“And Our New President Is…!”

Nobody’s here yet today, so I thought I might as well have some fun.

Having established in our country that being a community organizer (translation: troublemaker) fits you to be president, I think we can safely say that by that standard, just about anybody can be president. Thousands of West Virginians recently voted for a felon doing time in prison, believing he’d be an improvement over what we’ve got.

So why don’t we save ourselves the expense and the aggravation of a presidential election, and from now on, select our president by means of a nationwide lottery? Which will lead to a scene like this:

“Ladies and gentlemen! The next President of the United States is… Mrs. Roz Scuttlebutt of Elmira, New York! [Trumpet fanfare, fireworks] We’ve got her on the line right now, so let’s go to Elmira… Congratulations, Mrs. Scuttlebutt–you are to become the 48th President of this great land of ours.”

“But I don’t want to be president!”

“Ah, but that’s a big point in your favor, Mrs. Scuttlebutt!”

“But I won’t know what to do!”

“Not to worry–not knowing what to do never bothered any of our previous presidents. Most of them never did figure out what to do.”

“You don’t understand! I’ve never been president of anything–not even of my garden club! And I like it here, I don’t want to go to Washington, I don’t want to have to meet all those creepy people–”

“Tut, tut, Mrs. Scuttlebutt! When duty calls, you have to answer. Besides, it’s only for four years, and the pay is great. And if you spend the whole four years just hiding in the White House and playing slap-jack, you’ll still have done better than a number of presidents that I could name. And think of the fantastic vacations you can go on–as often as you like!”

“Well, if you put it that way… all right. I accept!”

And there you have it, all settled–without any debates, without attack ads and annoying phone calls… And we won’t have done any worse than what we’ve done already.

8 comments on ““And Our New President Is…!”

    1. I’ll know I’ve stumbled onto something when I start seeing “Mrs. Scuttlebutt for President” bumper stickers.

  1. Sir! The Scuttlebutts are my cousins and nicer people you will never get to meet. Naturally, this fact should serve to exclude that family from high office. The Scumbags have a far better claim.

  2. Lee you’re in august company with this daring idea. In “The Republic,” Plato argued that anybody who actually wants the job of Head of State should be disqualified. Plato thought we’d get better government from people who viewed it as an actual job, as opposed to a privilege, or to an excuse to glory in all manner of abuse of power.

    1. Plato? Ulp! Actually, I’d like to see someone in the White House whom they had to catch first, and who is always trying to escape.

  3. Sad, sad, sad. That’s a word I seem to be saying to myself a lot these days. Somehow, I feel a great sense of fellowship with the weeping prophet of Scriptural reknown. Even the amusing dialogue re. “a new way to get a president” somehow wasn’t very uplifting. Have we totally lost our way? ayes, somehow I feel a real kinship with the prophets of the OLD testament. It’s no wonder they would just lie down under a cactus and ask to be taken out of this prickly environment. Ah, home, sweet home! And where I’m going it’s not “ever so humble”! However, knowing I’ll “have it made” one of these days just gave me the incentive to get up AND DO SOMETHING! Good night, Ailene!

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