Nobody’s here yet today, so I thought I might as well have some fun.
Having established in our country that being a community organizer (translation: troublemaker) fits you to be president, I think we can safely say that by that standard, just about anybody can be president. Thousands of West Virginians recently voted for a felon doing time in prison, believing he’d be an improvement over what we’ve got.
So why don’t we save ourselves the expense and the aggravation of a presidential election, and from now on, select our president by means of a nationwide lottery? Which will lead to a scene like this:
“Ladies and gentlemen! The next President of the United States is… Mrs. Roz Scuttlebutt of Elmira, New York! [Trumpet fanfare, fireworks] We’ve got her on the line right now, so let’s go to Elmira… Congratulations, Mrs. Scuttlebutt–you are to become the 48th President of this great land of ours.”
“But I don’t want to be president!”
“Ah, but that’s a big point in your favor, Mrs. Scuttlebutt!”
“But I won’t know what to do!”
“Not to worry–not knowing what to do never bothered any of our previous presidents. Most of them never did figure out what to do.”
“You don’t understand! I’ve never been president of anything–not even of my garden club! And I like it here, I don’t want to go to Washington, I don’t want to have to meet all those creepy people–”
“Tut, tut, Mrs. Scuttlebutt! When duty calls, you have to answer. Besides, it’s only for four years, and the pay is great. And if you spend the whole four years just hiding in the White House and playing slap-jack, you’ll still have done better than a number of presidents that I could name. And think of the fantastic vacations you can go on–as often as you like!”
“Well, if you put it that way… all right. I accept!”
And there you have it, all settled–without any debates, without attack ads and annoying phone calls… And we won’t have done any worse than what we’ve done already.