The Cause of… Well, Everything

They gave a Global Warming–or Climate Change, or whatever–rally in Washington, D.C., earlier this month, and nobody came. “Nobody” is not a figure of speech: nobody came.

But they didn’t pitch it right. They’re drifting off-message.

Why don’t they tell you that Global Warming causes bad dating experiences? Not to mention racism, homophobia, and phobia about homophobia. Global Warming is why major-league baseball never made it to Mongolia. Global Warming is why movie remakes are never as good as the originals. Do you wonder why Anthony Wiener can’t be trusted with a camera? Global Warming.

Global Warming caused the Kardashians. Global Warming is why you never won the powerball. Global Warming is why your next-door neighbor puts up that ghastly green plastic leprechaun–the one with the face like Nancy Pelosi–on her lawn every St. Patrick’s Day and then forgets to take it down.

But here’s the good news: it can all be fixed by higher taxes!

I’ll bet you feel better already.

4 comments on “The Cause of… Well, Everything

  1. It seems that perhaps people have at least a smidgen of sense left? Oh, wait, I forgot that Obama got re-elected. Never mind. But I think it’s hilarious that no one came to the rally. Climate change stuff is BORING. Really, who wants to sit around and hear people giving pep talks about recycling soda cans, driving Smart Cars, and not using hairspray (I assume it would have been along those lines)? We’re bombarded with that propaganda all the time in the form of commercials, advertisements, etc.
    They need to start appealing to people by making every thing really sci-fi and advertising their rally as a way to ‘heroically close the tears in the ozone layer’ and ‘make the air breathable again’. Oh, sorry, did you doze off? I can’t think of anything that would make the subject of global warming or cooling appealing to people. First of all, they’re Western which means that any attempt to make them give up comforts or conveniences in the name of saving the world is not going to appeal to them; secondly, a lot of them realize that it’s all a bunch of hypocrisy because the same people telling them to give up all the ‘harmful stuff’ are using the harmful stuff themselves; thirdly, there are a lot more exciting things to do, like go to a rap concert. Hey, they could hold a ‘Climate Change Rap Rally’, where famous rappers sing custom-written songs on global warming and sign autographs for the attendees. Free refreshments could follow. Oh, dear, if I’ve thought of it, then they must have already…

    1. Sorry, Laura, but I don’t have time to answer you! I’ve got to lock up my 75-room mansion, get in my private jet and fly to Davos, and catch a limo to the exclusive Gotbucks Hotel, where I’m going to be on a panel with Oprah and Al and Michelle, discussing sacrifices that miserable little people must make to save the planet…

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