Happy [Censored]

[This is the piece I would have posted, had I had a computer on the Fourth of July.]

From now on Christmas won’t be the only holiday we’re not allowed to mention by name.

The newest nameless “Happy Holiday” is the Fourth of July There are compelling reasons why no one should be allowed to say “Happy Fourth of July,” according to the spokeschair of the International Wimmin’s  Workers Collective for Social and Environmental Justice, Watta Dunts.

“First, celebrating the number four of anything is hateful and insensitive to Chinese people,” Ms. Dunts said. “In their language, ‘four’ and ‘death’ are practically the same word.

“But this celebration is also hateful and un-inclusive to everyone in the world who isn’t an American. And that’s almost everybody! How do you think some poor person from Chad or Costa Rica feels when some fat capitalist American says ‘Happy Fourth of July,’ and this poor schmo knows that wish for happiness is not meant for her?

“Also, the word ‘happy’ is hateful and insensitive to many groups of people–Native Americans, African-Americans, women, gays, transsgendered persons, Hispanics, the visually challenged, and the British Parliament and royal family. That holiday is no happy occasion for them! Saying ‘happy’ only reminds them how miserable they are.”

But even just saying “Happy Holiday” without naming the holiday is going too far, Ms. Dunts said. “It’s hateful and insensitive to persons who may have unhappiness factors in their lives. The word ‘holiday’ may be painful to them for reasons we can’t even guess!”

So what are we to be allowed to say? Watta Dunts has the answer.

“Just put your hand tightly over your mouth and make noises without making any potentially offensive words,” she said. “Something like ‘Mmmph Glummph’ can be equally celebrated by everybody!”