This Just In (Some Very Hot News Flashes)

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Secretary of State John Kerry has been rushed to a hospital in Abu Dhabi for the emergency removal of the last shred of his integrity. “It was making him very sick, even though it was almost too tiny to detect,” said the attending surgeon. “Now that he has no integrity at all, he will be able to appease Iran with a clear conscience.”

Schmendrick Pictures will spend at least $190 million remaking the classic movie, Gigli, according to a confidential source within the studio. Universally considered to be one of the world’s worst movies ever, the new Gigli will add a startling twist: all the male roles will be played by women, and all the female roles by men. Stars Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck will be back, but with their roles reversed. “We’ll make back all the money we lost on the original, and then some!” said executive producer Edsel Volt.

There is now no polar ice cap at all, says Global Warming guru Al Gore. “The aerial photos that show a polar ice cap have been faked by Climate Change deniers,” said the–harrumph!–Nobel Prize winner. “We know who they are, and it’s only a matter of time before they’re arrested and tortured. Wait’ll you see what they confess to!” When asked about eyewitness reports of an ice cap, Gore parried, “Shut up!

Japanese scientists have invented a robot that does absolutely nothing except to demand free goods and services and threaten to riot if it doesn’t receive them.

Finally, hikers in the Canadian Outback have spotted a whole group of migrating centaurs, and photographed them. Unfortunately, the photos have been confiscated by Scholastic Books. So have the hikers.

And that’s today’s news–April 1, 2016.