‘The Progressives’ Guide to Talking to Regular Americans’

Edited by Dr. Floyd Rubbish, Professor of Gender Studies and Social Justice at Effing University (see above)

(Leaked to this blog by someone who dassn’t give his name)

The following are excerpts from a pamphlet that will be distributed at the upcoming Democrat retreat in West Virginia, The Progressives’ Guide to Talking to Regular Americans.

*We are perplexed that “regular Americans,” who do not live in large urban centers, rejected our party and our candidate in the 2016 national elections. This aberration must be corrected!

For some unfathomable reason, yelling at these people, calling them names, making fun of them, and running down everything that they hold sacred just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. Well, it’s like yelling at a bunch of bowling pins, isn’t it? So we must modify our approach, and here are a few suggestions for doing so…

*Patiently and kindly explain to these stupid people just how stupid they are. They haven’t grasped that yet.

*In a friendly and winsome manner, explain to them just how lucky they are to have wise intellectuals like us to guide them, and what a calamity it would be for them to make important decisions without our guidance.

*Patiently teach them to understand just how wrong, stupid, outdated, wicked, and absurd their values are, especially their religious notions, and how wise they would be to abandon their values and accept our values in their place.

*We recommend no further action on a proposal to rename Washington, D.C., “Obamagrad.” Our focus groups didn’t think much of it.

*Use star power! Convince them that they, too, can be beautiful and cool like Beyonce and Lady Gaga if only they believe and vote as Beyonce and Lady Gaga do. Success is virtually guaranteed! Even 65-year-old academics with grey ponytails want to be beautiful and cool like Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

*Finally, if all else fails, simply pretend to agree with these fools, tell them what they want to hear, and, once you’re back in office, the hell with ’em! This has always worked for Republicans, and it’s a cinch to work for us, too!

Provided as a public service.