Movies That Never Made It

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Jackie Chan as Edvard Grieg?

Here are a few films which, for one reason or another, never made it to market.

Song of Norway remake starring Jackie Chan. An attempt to tell the life story of Norwegian composer Edvard Grief as a kung-fu movie. It is rumored Mr. Chan refused the gig.

50 Shades of Puce. A movie about seasickness. You can imagine.

Skin Man! A new superhero who, for all practical purposes, is nothing more than an empty human skin–which allows him to travel folded up inside a suitcase. His sidekick, the faithful Fongo, goes up on the rooftops and drops him on top of the bad guys, and Skin Man does the rest. Too gross.

Oppressed Millionaire Athletes Who Deserve More of Your Money. Abandoned in mid-production when market research indicated that absolutely no one would ever want to see this film.

Feel My Feelers. A sensitive college student volunteers to be injected with moth hormones in a fruitless effort to transition himself into a woman. Done interview-style with gender-neutral pronouns and lots of Play-Doh. The only print of this low-budget masterpiece was accidentally thrown out with the trash.

 

3 comments on “Movies That Never Made It

  1. Seems to me “Oppressed Millionaire Athletes” was produced after all. It’s being shown nonstop on every channel and blog everywhere. 🙁

  2. “Childhood of an Heiress” – about the prophetic birth of Hillary Rodham, and her miracle path to greatness. The 100% assured funding for it by Saudi Arabia fell through at the last moment.

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