Transphobia, the Silent Killer

Guest columnist Dr. Sheldon Puce chairs the Dean Jagger School of Baldness at Fimbo University, where he is also Big Professor of Gender Studies. I have no idea why I have permitted him to do this.

I call transphobia “that there silent killer” because here at Fimbo University we don’t allow any transphobic remarks. Our Attitude Adjustment Program, centered on beatings and electric shocks, does a pretty good job of silencing transphobia.

But transphobia is also a civilization-killer, in that wherever it exists, it prevents the best and smartest people from taking charge of things. No civilization can flourish without multitudes of transgendered persons! My research has turned up the fact–predicted by my theory, of course–that throughout the history of the world, almost all great, important, really cool individuals were–you guessed it!–transgender.

Ramesses II, for instance, the greatest pharaoh Ancient Egypt ever had, was born Shirley Muldoon. Gender reassignment therapy quickly corrected that mistake! Queen Hatshepsut, on the other hand, was born a man, an error for which her parents were executed. Again, gender reassignment to the rescue!

Imagine history without Julius Caesar, Queen Victoria, Thomas Edison, Hyman Kaplan–all transgendered, every one of them! Imagine civilization without the great contributions made solely by transgendered persons–writing, building, the wheel, agriculture, and those things you throw in your laundry to make it smell nice.

Well, I have to go now, I’m chairing a meeting of Academics ‘R’ Us. Remember what I said–and get your gender changed today.