An Exciting Chapter of ‘Oy, Rodney’

Moving right along to Chapter CXII of Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, we find the Queen sitting alone in St. Pablum’s Church. The vicar has been carted off with conniptions, and everyone else has followed Jasper the Village Idiot out to the vicar’s back yard, where Constable Chumley has disappeared under the wading pool. Lady Margo Cargo, who was to have been married that day to Lord Jeremy Coldsore and the American adventurer Willis Twombley, has been taken back home because her wooden leg fell off again.

As the Queen grumbles, the Japanese ambassador makes an unexpected entrance. He has an urgent message for her, but has forgotten it. Something about jumbo shrimp. He apologizes humbly and departs.

Lagging well behind the others, and trying to find some way to save the wedding, Lord Jeremy and Twombley are met by Jeremy’s chief creditor, Mr. Softy. “I am here to take ownership of Coldsore Hall,” he says, twirling his mustache. Twombley shoots him.

“I say!” cries Lord Jeremy. “You really can’t do that, don’t you know!”

“Well, I jist did,” says Twombley. “Help me hide the body somewheres.”

Meanwhile, Jasper urges the crowd to greater speed. “It may not be too late to save the constable, if only we hurry!” he declares. “Oh, make haste, my friends, make haste!”

But when they arrive at the pool, they find Constable Chumley standing a safe twenty yards away from it, idly bobbling his nightstick. He wants to know what all the fuss is about.

The mayor frowns. “Jasper, you idiot!” he says. “Sorry!” mutters Jasper. “But wait! It may be that this individual is not Constable Chumley, but an insidious double who has appropriated his uniform. I prithee, examine him!”

“Prithee?”

“‘Tis a forn misstal we be corkin’, Mayor,” says the constable. The crowd decides to examine Jasper instead, and hustles him off to the local house of pain.

Here the narrative is interrupted by Ms. Crepuscular offering to sell the book’s movie rights to any studio that’s interested.