Greetings, featherless bipeds! Welcome to Journalism Made Easy, the course that makes everyone xer own news organization!
Every reporter wants to scoop the others, and be the first to break the story. Today in our class, you’re going to learn how to do this every single time! And don’t worry about it breeding inequality among journalists–because everyone can do it!
I know, you’re gonna laugh when you find out what it is, you’re gonna cry out, “Now why didn’t I think of that!” You may even be kind of ticked off that you paid all that money for this course.
But here it is, the sure-fire method of getting the scoop on every story:
Report the news before it happens!
Gee, but how to you do that?
You just bleeping make it up, stupid! What do you think ABC Nightline does? You think they actually wait for something to happen before they report it? Sheesh! You won’t ever get a scoop, that way.
Best of all, if you do this many, many times, maybe thousands of times, sooner or later, one of those stories you made up is bound to turn out to be true! And you’ll have nothing left to do but accept the Pulitzer.
Which is exactly why I don’t watch TV news.
Truer words . . .
There was a journalist a few years ago who won a Pulitzer and then their story was discovered to have been made up.
To say nothing to Walter Duranty’s big fat Pulitzer for being Joe Stalin’s cheerleader and No. 1 fan.