What’s that you say? You’ve run out of Acme False Facts? Well, then, you’ll be happy to know the new set is to be issued next week. In the meantime, here are a few samples for you to try out.
Acme False Facts help you to establish yourself as a wise and knowledgeable person without going to the trouble to learn anything. All it takes is a bold front! Deliver your Acme False Fact in an authoritative tone, and don’t be afraid to back it up with imaginary sources. Whatever you say, say it with conviction! That’s what makes college professors and TV news anchors so successful.
Here you go. Try these:
Harcourt W. Smirch was President of the United States for seven weeks in 1839, but no one noticed.
According to the latest Plummer Poll [there’s no such thing, but people will be afraid to challenge you on this], 16.3 percent of Americans with eight or more years of college go on to be superheroes.
The world’s oldest baseball cards were manufactured in Persia in 1782. Today a Faraz Azwad, shortstop, Ecbatana Willies card sells for $902 million.
The Greenland beaver went extinct in May of 1952, but is now making a comeback, according to a UNESCO report.
Remember, say ’em like you know them to be true and only a thorough ignoramus would doubt you. And if anyone does dare to question you, just look at him a certain way and ask, in as condescending a manner as you can, “Are you in the habit of denying established facts?” That usually shrivels ’em up pretty fast.
Okay class, here are the facts and you better listen closely: 1. Global warming is real and your CO2 footprint will end the world in 12 years unless you sign over all of your wealth, now and in the future, to pay us to save you. 2. aborting babies lives in necessary to preserve the ‘rights’ of all women. 3. America needs more illegal ‘immigrants’ to do the jobs Americans refuse to do. 4. Sharia law is a good law and if we embrace all muslims who practice it and share it with us, we will prosper under its protection. 5. Sexualization classes being taught to you in our schools is necessary for your proper growth because your body belongs to you. 6. Trump is the bad guy; we don’t know why, but TRUST US because we’re here to help. So here’s the list of the people you must vote for, now that we have generously given you the right to vote at age 7. Please review it and keep it with you at all times. Tell your friends. But remember to let us know if your parents disagree with your belief in your cause and challenge your trust in US in any way because we support you and your ideas are important to us. Lastly, remember to fill out this form and hand it in before you leave to let us know if your parents have guns, drugs, or lie to you. Class dismissed.
Aren’t we happy this is all just satire and would never, ever happen…
Are your sure? Washington DC, where fiction meets fact…
Oh, how I would like to have that Faraz Azwad card…