And so we come at last to Chapter CCXC of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Nothing happened in the preceding two chapters except for the installation of Babylonian antimacassars, imported by the London firm of Dombey & Son, on all the furniture in Coldsore Hall. “I am sorry that took up two whole chapters,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers, “but there’s a lot of furniture in Coldsore Hall and I just couldn’t help it.”
Assured that the antimacassars will keep him safe from the malign spirit of Black Rodney, the medieval sorcerer who has been persecuting him from beyond the garve (who can resist such a typo?), Lord Jeremy has plunged into rescheduling his wedding to Lady Margo Cargo. He hopes his Aunt Petunia and her husband, Lord Gromleigh, Marquess of Grone, will give him a vast amount of money as a wedding present.
“You really must stay for the wedding, Aunt!” he urges her. “You and the marquess will be the guests of honor.”
“But Jeremy, my dear–I don’t know where my husband is!”
This is a difficulty. Lord Gromleigh has a habit of hiding in unusual places so he can jump out at people and scare them.
“Oh, he’s just hiding somewhere, Aunt. He’s sure to turn up.”
“But he’s been gone two days!”
With the help of Johnno the Merry Minstrel, Jeremy’s close friend, the American adventurer Willis Twombley starts a room-to-room search for the missing lord. “I tell ya, Germy ol’ hoss, I don’t like this!” whispers Twombley. “The old coot might of hidden in some place that he can’t get out of. This is a big house with a ton of hiding-places in it. What if he laid hisself down in a cedar chest and then couldn’t get it open? Or maybe he ain’t here at all! He might of run away. You never know what one of them peers o’ the realm might do.”
“I don’t see how we can have the wedding with the Marquess of Grone having misplaced himself somewhere in my house!”
“I remember when this happened at the king of Ugarit’s palace: his brother-in-law, the high something-or-other of Phoenicia, got lost in the palace and they never could find him, not even with fifty or sixty servants lookin’ up and down for him.” Twombley sighs. Believing himself to be Sargon of Akkad, he finds these memories of ancient times to be rather bittersweet. “We’ll keep lookin’, but don’t get your hopes up.”
Here the chapter abruptly breaks off with a barely coherent recipe for toothpaste rolls.
Have they checked under the vicar’s wading pool?
There’s only so much that can be done in one chapter.
Hence the need to fortify oneself with toothpaste rolls. 🙂