“There’s nothing wrong with Planet Earth that a jolly good worming won’t cure!” declares Dr. Romulus Stunata, widely celebrated as the “Veterinarian to the Stars.” Which stars, we are not told.
“Look, it’s simple,” he explained. “Your dog gets worms. Your cat gets worms. And you can get worms, too, if you don’t watch out. Well, Mother Earth has worms! So she’s got to be wormed.”
A global effort, he continued, must be mounted to accumulate colossal quantities of veterinarian worming medicine “and then just pour it into the earth. If that hole they drilled for Project Mohole is still there, use that. Otherwise, pour it down caverns, mine shaft, oil drilling shafts, and any bottomless pits that might be handy.”
“And then,” he added, “stand back! Because there’s going to be an awful lot of worms come squirting up from the depths of the planet. So stand back from caves, wells, manholes, oil wells and drilling platforms, and all the rest. The planet is going to expel hundreds of thousands of tons of worms! And some of them will be bigger than you ever imagined was possible.”
Most of the earth’s worms, he said, will probably die as soon as they’re exposed to sunlight. “The rest will probably have to be shot or something.”
“It’s all them worms that are causing Climate Change, hurricanes, volcanoes, earthquakes, and pantophobia,” said Dr. Stunata. “But take it from me–if it works for your cat or dog, it’ll work for Momma Gaea.”