Coach Suspended… for Winning

Too much success! Forbidden!

If you ever thought there could be anything too trivial, too unimportant, for government to stick its nose into, think again.

A high school football coach in New York has been suspended after his Plainedge team defeated South Side H.S., 61-13 (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/02/nyregion/football-coach-suspended-sportsmanship.html). Both teams had been undefeated, going into the game; so a blowout would hardly be expected, but that’s what happened.

Aha! But Nassau County has a rule against lopsided high school football victories–and a special “panel” to deal with that very thing. Winning by more than 42 points is not allowed. Bad coach! Bad football players! You scored too many points! Don’t you know that that’s a very naughty thing to do?

So what are you supposed to do, if you’re the coach and your team is 42 points ahead with half the game yet to go? You could pull your starters and play your scrubinis–but what if they get inspired, and score a touchdown? Bad on you!

Or you could order your team to employ the “See No Evil” Defense, in which the defending players stand perfectly still with their hands over their eyes, singing “I am a Rock, I am an Island” while the other team runs plays.

Or the stupid county could just plug in a simple rule: the moment one team gets 42 points ahead, the game is automatically over, the leading team wins.

I used to like football. Now I look at it with the same mix of puzzlement and horror that one feels for certain long-expired relationships–the kind that have you muttering to yourself, “What in the world did I ever see in So-and-So?”