Driphdrash Fever! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Big Brother and also Big Sister and Big Father | Book humor ...

It isn’t every day you learn there’s a lost city hidden somewhere in your county. But according to Violet Crepuscular, the lost city of Driphdrash, ages old, is hidden in the heart of Scurveyshire. Or is it the liver?

“Legend has it,” she confides in the readers of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “that in addition to whole rooms filled with gold and jewels and collectible figurines, the ruins of Driphdrash contain fantastic secrets the possession of which will give their discoverer the power to rule the world. And everyone in Scurveyshire wants to rule the world.”

Virtually the entire community has dropped whatever they were doing and gone on the hunt for Driphdrash. No one talks about anything but what they’ll do, once they rule the world. “I’ll make everyone do calisthenics!” “I’ll ban ginger beer! I never liked it, anyway.” “I’ll order everyone to get married to everyone else!” And so on.

Rumor of the frenzied search for the lost city has reached the Queen’s ears. She sends the Earl of Peedlebury to investigate. He promptly disappears under the vicar’s backyard wading pool. But the Queen has already forgotten that she sent him. Reminded by her Equerry, Lord Dromedary, Her Majesty denies ever having known the Earl of Peedlebury. This is generally the wisest course to follow.

After two full days of frantic labor, every square foot of Scurveyshire has been thoroughly searched, to no avail.

“It ain’t that big a shire, that’s the problem with it,” opines the American adventurer, Willis Twombley. He has vowed to re-establish the Akkadian Empire if he’s the one to find Driphdrash. “Half the square feet I’ve search have already by searched by someone else. I reckon the only place we haven’t looked is… right under Coldsore Hall!”

That thump you just heard was Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s jaw hitting the floor.

“Dear reader,” Ms. Crepuscular writes, “I have to conclude this chapter because, for the life of me, I can’t imagine what happens next. I think I’ll refresh my mind by watching that movie about the giant tarantula.”

We await further developments. I was going to say “breathlessly,” but that would be pushing it too far.

5 comments on “Driphdrash Fever! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

  1. Ms. Crepuscular has been watching too many trailers from the Microsoft Games App store. 🙂 But I suppose she can’t help it, if she wants to play the new solitaire in Windows 10.

    Speaking of which … Lee, have you gotten used to Windows 10 yet? Those ads for games in the new version of solitaire are driving me nuts, but apparently the only way to get rid of them is to pay for playing solitaire. Other than that, though, I actually like Windows 10.

  2. “everyone in Scurveyshire wants to rule the world.”

    Wasn’t there a song about this, back in the ‘80s? They had to leave out the words “in Scurveyshire” to preserve the meter and they changed “everyone” to “everybody”, but this is obviously what they were getting at. 🙂

    1. For reasons of meter, they had to change it to Boogie Fever, back in the Disco era, but it’s obvious that they meant Driphdrash Fever. 🙂

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