Byron’s TV Listings

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University Broadcasting. By popular demand, here are some of today’s TV listings. Don’t ask me where we got those channels and all those shows. We have a Fifth Amendment here on Rottnest Island, and it’s got my name on it!

3:39 P.M.

04. Jan Can’t Cook. Your recipes are bound to turn out better than hers. Guest: Rachel Ray (tied to chair and gagged).

05. Toiling Away in Misery (Soap Opera). Danny and Sarah are exasperated when their little girl gets arrested for barratry. Danny: Vladimir Putin. Sarah: Una O’Connor.

07. “Itching for Trouble” (Movie, 1956). The Bowery Boys travel to London to perform a Shakespeare play. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, John Gielgud, Sophie Tucker.

3:56 P.M.

11. Beat the Zoning! (Game Show) See who can get past the town’s zoning board with the most objectionable building project. Contestants are all well-known shady developers. Host: Billy Sleaze.

04. Jan Still Can’t Cook! On the menu: Termite Puffs, Weed Salad, Unidentified Soup. Jan’s Therapist: Kim Jong Un.

12. College Bawl (Quiz). Teams from Harvard and Ohio State still deadlocked over last week’s question, “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” Host: Zacherley.

Well, that’s all for now! I’ve got to get far away from here before somebody gets arrested. I’ll be back with more next week, if we’re still on the air.