Byron’s TV Listings, May 14

Michael J. Hayde's BETTER LIVING THROUGH TELEVISION: Unfortunate Timing for TV  Guide

Crikey! May is already half-over. Time really flies when you’re watching great TV.

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with another weekend’s worth of skintillating television brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. Here are a few samples from our menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 46  ANNUAL DINDLE AWARDS–Duh, awards show?

Who’s the biggest dindle on TV, this year? Who’s the actor they tried to burn at the stake (lucky for him it rained)? This year’s Dindle Awards extravaganza focuses on the career of Zeb Fingle, a famous celebrity we guarantee you never heard of. There were a lot of movies Zeb meant to make, but never got around to any of them. Emcee: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 51   THE TAWAGALAWAS–Ancient sitcom

Ever since the ancient Hittite comedy/drama serial was discovered on cuneiform tablets deep underneath a modern nail salon in Tuberville, Wales, scholars have been working to translate it into Japanese, English, and Esperanto… and now it’s ready!

Meet the Tawagalawas, a 12th-century B.C. Hittite family with a rambunctious teenaged son (Floyd Vivino), a daredevil daughter (Phyllis Diller), and a tyrannical Assyrian boss (Phil Silvers) who wants to enslave them. “Best Hittite sitcom ever!”–Rex Reed. “Makes those Babylonian sitcoms look like dog-meant”–Sir Kenneth Clark.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   PRIVATE EYES, PUBLIC LEGS–Crime drama

By night they’re 16 high-kicking dancers; by day, they’re solving crimes. The June Taylor Dancers star as a dance troupe bringing law and order to a city that has defunded the police and doesn’t know how to fund them back. This week: the Dancers have a close shave when they get stuck in a closet, all trying to see the same clue at once. Guest star: Pablo Casals, without his cello.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 18  NEWS THAT NOBODY WANTS–News (sort of)

Ever wonder about the news stories that no one bothered to cover? The stuff that was left on the cutting room floor–if it even got that far?

Anchor Jimmy Fraud and his crack team of homeless beggars canvass the major studios to buy unwanted footage. Tonight: A woman finds a yellowjacket in her mailbox; an interview with some idiot mumbling with his mouth full of oatmeal; some film shot with the lens cap still on.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM–Action/adventure/philosophy

Ricardo Montalban and Phil Rizzuto star in “So Long, Cannibals!” (Norwegian, 1997), as adventurers seeking a lost city in the Amazon rain forest, only to find it inhabited by cannibals who think they’re movie stars. Featuring Soupy Sales, Denis Menke, Maggie Smith, Jacqueline Bisset, and the hit song, “Adenoids on Fire,” by Christy Schmendrick.

Well, folks, if that doesn’t tempt you, I just give up!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off…

3 comments on “Byron’s TV Listings, May 14

  1. At last the June Taylor Dancers have a show of their own! But really, Lee, “a close shave”? Indeed, forsooth, what next (she asks, wringing her hands along with her laundry)?

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