Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 10

[I have to soak my head, after that last post. Over to you, Byron!–LD]

G’day! Byron the Quokka here for Quokka University, bringing you weekend TV that will make you think you died and went to Paramus, NJ! Here’s a mere sample of it.

5:46 P.M.  Ch. 74  100% FAKE NEWS!–Just what it says: fake

Here’s the gimmick: Anchorman Dan Rather is the only person involved who doesn’t know the whole thing’s fake! Like, we tried to tell him, but after a while you just give up, know what I mean? Tonight: How Donald Trump started the Trojan War. Special guest: A very large earthworm.

6 P.M.  Ch. 04  SEANCE WITH THE STARS–Incredibly poor taste

Join Sophie Tucker, Nestor Chylak, Susan Sontag, and Jackie Chan, with medium Madame LaBonza, as they try to make contact with celebrities who have passed over. Tonight they’ll be seeking sure-fire stock market tips from Pharaoh Ramses II, who has had a very long time to study the market and develop his own theories. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 10  ROLLER BASKETBALL, MIAMI BEACH vs. KYZYL–Sports

What happens when you combine roller derby with basketball? Chaos! Mayhem! Fabulous injuries you never saw before! The Kyzyl Wahoos defend their Central Asian championship against the Miami Beach Vestment Lice. Miami Beach is not in Central Asia, but never mind. Play-by-Play: Jimmy Durante, Anne Klein.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  BEAT THE CROC–Game show

Who can swim to the other end of the pool first–our celebrity contestants, or a hungry crocodile named Jimbo? Host Patrick MacNee whips up the crowd as the croc closes in! This week’s frantic swimmers: Susan George, Walter Cronkite, Bette Midler. With Jay Nehru and his orchestra.

Ch. 42   MOVIE–Defies description (call it a ‘Western’)

“Bats Over Broadway” (Canadian, 2004) combines the talents of Steven Spielberg, Reggie Jackson, Julia Child, and Bela Lugosi in a 4 1/2-hour spectacle that former President Jimmy Carter called “knuckle-crackin’ good!” But that’s only because he was in it, too, as The Pitiful Beggar Who Has Nothing Wrong With Him. Chief Kalfastoban: Roddy McDowell. Themistocles: a boyfriend of Sharon Stone.

Well! How d’ya like  that selection? Makes me want to curl up in the dry grass and munch on shiny green leaves!

Byron the Quokka, signing off!