A Reponse to That Stopid Archy Fish Viddio

Ha, that other guy he had to go out so I can get on his blog and protext that archy fish viddio he just posted.

Why aint there a law aginst him talking about God al the time? If he was a interllectural he wuld know ther aint no God. What a dope. Dont he know its Evilution that makes all thes difrent animals and fish? That archy fish is no expection. It Evolved!! into a archy fish and it use to be something else. I think it probly Evolved!! from apes like we did.

Anyway ther shuld be a law so he cant rite no religin, My prefesser he says it viarlates Sepration of Church and State! if you rite about relgion and the goverment shuldnt alow it anymore. We fogt our Revilution War to git rid of religin and now here it is agan.

That guy Lee needs ougt to go back to collidge and learn some eddication.

Ther probly aint even such thing as a archy fish, I bettya christins made it up.

An Interview With One of My Characters

I’ve seen other authors do this, so I thought I might try it myself. So I wangled this interview with Fnaa, a supporting actor in my Bell Mountain series. Fnaa is only ten years old when he first appears in The Fugitive Prince, so cut him some slack. (Note: I have never before interviewed a fictitious character, but I am told it’s a nice skill to have if you want to work for The New York Times.)

Q: Fnaa, mostly what you do is impersonate King Ryons. In fact, you’re a dead ringer for him–even I can hardly tell the two of you apart.

Fnaa: Well, you should learn how. We don’t want to get stuck because you forgot who’s who.

Q: What’s it like to have a whole city full of people thinking you’re the king–when you aren’t? [long pause] Do you want to stop fidgeting and answer my question?

Fnaa: The little girl who’s a prophet or something, she said I could do it. She said God wouldn’t mind.

Q: But all those people cheering you–isn’t it kind of overwhelming?

Fnaa: What’s ‘overwhelming’?

Q: It means ‘too much to take in all at once,’ overpowering, awesome–

Fnaa: [Rude noise] I know what it means! It’s fun to take the tax money and throw it back to the people on the street. They really go for that! And it’s fun to call those high-and-mighty big shots names like ‘Fatty’ and ‘Baldy.’ Yes, I love all that–but it’s not like I want to do it all the time. Let King Ryons be king for a while.

Q: Didn’t you feel a bit guilty, allowing that good man, Prester Jod, to go on thinking you were King Ryons?

Fnaa: I’ve got to go now.

Q: But we’ve only just started the interview–

[Fnaa ducks back into the book and disappears. He makes one last comment: “If people want to know about this stuff, they ought to read the books! Why don’t you sell them some of your books, dummy? And that was that for the interview. ]

Dirty Lies About Planned Parinthood

Ha, ha, that other guy he think so smart, but here I am doing his stopid blog and he dont know it.

My prefesser he says we got to defend Planned Parinthood from those dirty ingorent christins who alyaws attack it becose they dont want no wommen to have no repoductive rights. So now their out ther saying Planned Parinthood sells baby parts for lots of money, and how its aginst the law. My prefesser he says them videotapes theyr all fake and that anybody who is a interllectural like us can see right thru them. He even has figgered out how they is fake.

1) The cristians hired acters to pretent to be these head honchos in Planned Parinthood and say all this stuff about sellin parts of killed babys.

2) If they dint hire acters, they dubbed new words into the vidio and made like Planned Parinthood was sayin thes here things when they wernt.

Anyhow we know thes here vidios are fake because The New York Times!! AND NPR! they both say so!! Anyone who dont beleeve The New York Times!! you must be a homo-phob or somthing evin worst.

Well, now I got to go back to collidge and study for my Final EXam in Gender Liberation Studies 202 and I better ace it or it goin to take me another three or for years to get my batcheloors in Gender Studies. The *President* he says he wants to give free collidge to everbody, but I think he sholdnt give free collidge to Christins becuse they wuld not apprecate it. You just cant never make a interllectural out of a christin.

Fantasy Novels That Didn’t Quite Make It

Someone, I think it was Mickey Rooney, once said, “If I have seen farther than others, it’s because I’ve stood on the shoulders of giants.”

But sometimes you can do all right standing on the shoulders of midgets, too.

Here are a few old fantasy novels you’ve never read and never heard of,  but which have nevertheless inspired some very famous novels.

The Hamster, the Alchemist, and the Sock Drawer by G.M. Karz was almost certainly the inspiration for C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (starting with The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe); but in Karz’ case, the various elements of the story never quite came together. There’s something unconvincing about a hamster that inspires awe, and a whole public school class of 12-year-olds accidentally entering another world while putting Limburger cheese in the headmaster’s sock drawer.

A Game of Throneberry, by Imhotep B. McGonegal, tries to re-interpret the 1962 New York Mets’ baseball season as Shakespeare’s plays about the Wars of the Roses. The Mets in 1962, their first season, lost their first twelve ballgames. Then along came Marve Throneberry and they got it together to win 40 games while only losing 120. But I dunno: presenting Marvelous Marve as a kind of modern-day Richard III, drowning poor Elio Chacon in a great big barrel of wine hidden behind the set of Kiner’s Korner–really, I can’t imagine what Mr. McGonegal thought he was doing. Inspiring today’s Game of Thrones franchise?

In The Slobbit, Prof, B.Y.O. Boose created a fantasy world centered around extremely slovenly little people called Slobbits. A Slobbit named Bulbo accompanies a group of leprechauns on their way to slay a dragon. It’s difficult because Bulbo is always losing things. Scholars believe this little-known tale prompted J.R.R. Tolkien to write The Hobbit. Could be, could be…

Last but not least, we have The Wizard of Pfudd by Priscilla Chumply, an obscure 19th century fantasy that introduced the whole idea of an entire nation being duped by a fraudulent wizard–although poor Miss Chumply undermined her own work by writing all the dialogue in garbled Classical Greek. Many modern masters of fantasy have been inspired by Pfudd, but none have ever admitted to it.

I Invent a New Kind of Fantasy

That disgusting video by Rihanna (see yesterday’s post, “Abomination Video”) must have really gotten to me. I can set it aside while I’m awake; but while I’m asleep, it unsettles my dreaming mind.

With this amazing result: Last night I dreamed up an entirely new sub-genre of fantasy. I’m gonna make a fortune!

You’ve heard of “Grimdark,” right? The big new thing in fantasy: Grim + Dark. Everybody in the story is bad, and the baddest of the  bad guys wins. Along the way there’s lots of violence, crime, cruelty, loveless sex, etc. (As every true interllectural knows, whatever is good, beautiful, positive, morally upright, and edifying is bogus, nothing but cheap “sentiment”; but whatever is evil, ugly, useless, immoral, and corrupting is “realistic.”)

Well, move over, Grimdark–’cause here comes Glumdark!

In Glumdark fantasy, which I invented in my sleep last night, all the characters are sad and the saddest of the sad guys wins–I mean, loses. In my dream was a Glumdark story in which all the characters had terminal diseases, and their space program was a bust because the zillion-dollar rocket went about 30 feet up and then crashed in my back yard. One of the characters checked into a motel and found his bed was full of bugs. Everybody cried a lot.

I realize this has been pioneered in later productions of The Hallmark Hall of Fame, bravely-dying-glamous-celebrity subgenre, but it needs to be brought into fantasy before it can really stretch its wings. Make way for the Invinclble Female Warrior who gets mauled to death by a squirrel, the All-Wise Wizard who makes a fool of himself on Jeopardy, and the star-crossed lovers who wind up fat, frowzy, and hating each other. And so on.

Like Grimdark, Glumdark makes fantersy much more realistic and interrlecturally respectable.

I mean, why be happy? Eh?

University Scandal! Brain-Removal Operations

Our cracked investigative reporter George Steppanoplace has uncovered a major academic scandal.

At Happythought State University, part of the University of California system, Ph.D. candidates are required to undergo brain-removal surgery before they can be awarded a doctorate.

“Originally it was just for Ph.D.’s in Womens Studies, Queer Studies, Black Studies, Gender Studies, Social Justice Studies, Liberation Studies, and Environmental Justice Studies,” explained university president C. Babbington Gesundheit, Ph.D. “If you were going for a doctorate in Engineering or something like that, it was presumed you would need a brain, somewhere along the line.

“However, we have gotten rid of all those White Privilege degree programs, and now all of our students study only those liberating subjects what can learn them how to be interllecturals,” said Dr. Gesundheit.

George interviewed Dr. Medea Harmsworth, Ph. D. in Gender Studies, who has been without a brain for a full dozen years. “I never miss it,” she says. “In fact, I don’t even remember ever having had a brain.”

George also interviewed a graduate student, Tulip Pimplemeyer, who is working on his Ph.D. in Social Justice and says he’s looking forward to sporting a completely empty cranium. “I can, like, y’know, store stuff up there, once they take out my brain,” he said. “I am gonna ask them to cut off my whatsit while they’re at it, so I can transition into a woman.”

The U.S. Justice Dept., George discovered, has turned down “numerous” requests to intervene.

“There is no constitutional right to have a brain,” his report concludes. And, winking slyly at the camera, adds, “In fact, I had mine taken out years and years ago!”

My Poetical Slip is Showing

[One of my hopeless competitors–T.S. Eliot]

I must admit to a poetical streak in my nature. I can hold it back no longer. As if struck by lightning, the following two poems occurred to me.

After decades of national trauma,

Brought on by two terms of Obama,

America rose

On the tips of her toes,

And canceled the liberal Drama.

Pretty cool, eh? Eat your heart out, T.S. Eliot. And then there’s this:

Progressives found some dynamite,

Couldn’t understand it quite.

Unbridled hubris never pays:

It rained libs for seven days.

Now if that doesn’t get you, what will? All I gotta do now is wait for that call from the Pulitzer Prize Committee.

Dont Read That Guy’s Books!!

I wasnt going to come and do this blog today, becuse I had to do work for my Gender Studies degree and it was those Self-Esteem Crosword Puzles that all filled in already, not like them Sexist crossword puzles with the empty boxxes. But my prefesser he said I have to come and tell peple not to read that guys books. Well I hasnt read them I said, but he told me to come here anyhow, and also he tole me everthing I need to know about the books.

So I am telling you dont read Bell Mountan, it is suposed to be fantersy but there isnt nothing in it but Heteronormatifity and Climate Change Denail and most of all a whol lot of religin stuff. Ther ouht to be a law aginst readin books like that, and also aginst the law to rite them. I hope Hillery is presdent soon so she can make it aginst the law.

And also the books that come after that Bell Mountan they arnt any good ether. I am glad I hasnt read them, and yuo better beleve we got no books like that here in collidge. I warn yuo, if you reed any of thes books you will nevver becom a interllectural.

So if you read any of thos books by that guy, yuo are a Racist and a Homo-phob, and yuo hate woman and want to reck the Planet but we wont let you. Also yuo are stopid and Anti-Sceince and aslo you are a Religis Fanatick who beleves in God wich prooves yiu are not a interllectural.

Well thats all for now, I has to go bye some Amerikkkan flags to burn becose tomorow’s the forth of July and we doing a big Protest for extra credit.

Politrical Correctness is Good for You

That other guy isnt here right now and I come to do his blog because he was in collidge so long ago, he has forgot how to be a interllectural. And my prefesser he says you stopid uneducatted peple out there better stop complaning about politrical correctness becuse it is good for you and yuo are too dumm to aprechate it.

Like take the Confrederet Flag for instants. Everbody who wants to see it is a racist bigot sexist homo-phob who hates imniggrents. It was the Germen’s flag in the War of 1812 when the Black Panters abollished slavry and the nazis they tride to suceed from the Union. I learnt all that in hi school.

You dumm peple who arnet in collidge, you dont understan what politrical correctness does and why we got to have it or else there be Global Warming! My prefesser he explanes it perfickly clear. If we dont let nobody say anything bad, then nothing bad will hapen. So we are tryin to take all the bad out of the world, and these here conserfitiffs they want to stop us becase they are for all the bad things and a lot of them are ingnorent Christins.

So if you cant see the Confrederet Flag, then you cant think any Confrederet thoughts. See how simple that is?? I dont see why you dumm peple dont just shut up and let us interllecturals do whats best for you. My prefesser he says this wont never end until everybody and every one is Gay, and all of us here at the collidge we cant wait to see that hapen, so there!!!

International Manhunt: Reddy Kilowatt

For more than half a century he was the world-wide ambassador for consumer electricity.

Now he’s a man on the run.

Police in 77 countries are after Reddy Kilowatt, 89, who mysteriously escaped recently from a secret Interpol prison in the Alps. He is wanted on a plethora of charges, including Climate Change Denial, Heteronormativity, and Being a Capitalist Running Dog.

“He ought to be pretty easy to spot,” said Interpol Commissioner Hans Upp. “On his own, I doubt he can pose much of a threat. Our gravest concern is that he might seek to join forces with another fugitive.”

According to confidential sources, Interpol fears Reddy will team up with Speedy Alka-Seltzer, a known Enemy of the People, to say and do things that the UN doesn’t like.

Last year a UN hit squad tracked down Bucky Beaver and killed him in a shootout. “That was satisfying,” said Upp, “but only to those few of us who remember Bucky Beaver.”

Citizens of the world are urged to contact Interpol, or their local police force, if they spot Reddy Kilowatt.

“Do not approach him yourself,” Upp advised. “He could give you a shock.”

If Reddy and Speedy combine their forces, he warned, “They could release a dangerous amount of gas into the atmosphere.”

A reward is offered for any information leading to the arrest of Mr. Kilowatt. The nature of the reward has not been disclosed, “but it will be in keeping with the best international traditions,” said the commissioner.