Now I Really Have Seen Everything!

The world is entering a new Dark Age. The fabric of Western Civilization is unraveling before our eyes. The global economy is headed for the glue factory…

And along comes the Kohler Co. with the answer! Don’t worry, be happy… As the one thing we’ve all been needing, as the solution to life’s problems, Kohler proudly presents (drum roll, please)… The Computerized Toilet!

At a mere $6,500, this baby is a steal. Ideal for installing outside your glass-walled penthouse: see the ad at

It opens, it closes, all by itself. It plays music. It plays radio stations. It remembers your favorite water temperature.

It’s full of microchips and wires and all sorts of technological whiz-bang… and you’d better not be sitting on it during a thunderstorm. One unlucky lightning strike, and you’re musical john just might turn into Old Sparky.

I heard the guy who invented this used to be a fantasy writer, but his ideas were considered too wild to be published.

11 comments on “Now I Really Have Seen Everything!

  1. It will be a wonderful invention and add loads of pleasure to an everyday task .. make sure it’s earthed of course!

    1. Of course, when it goes on the fritz, you won’t be able to fix it yourself with $2.00 worth of parts from the hardware store…

  2. Regulates the temperature of the water? Why? Is it like the toilets in Japan that shoot your anus with water when you are finished? Maybe it can check your blood pressure and heart rate while is calculates your cholesterol.

  3. I kind of like the foot warmer. And the bidet wand with built-in dryer is nice, too. But no robot hand to do the, er, wiping? Pshaw, I’ll wait for the more advanced model.

    1. I use “fie” quite a bit. Also “alas.” And seriously, I often find myself saying (although not writing) “I cry you mercy,” instead of “pardon me” or “oops.”

  4. I also write phut and grrr, but phshaw was my grandmother’s favorite. She claimed it was a Danish word- that is where she came from. I wouldn’t know about that.

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