For those of you out there who are widows–you know all of this. For those who are not, let me tell you how it has affected me. It is different for everyone.
First I would not wish widowhood on my worst enemy. (I hope I do not have any enemies, let alone a worst one).
If you have had a really happy, wonderful , long-term marriage it is the most devastating thing that could possibly happen. You truly have lost your other half.
Your wonderful conversations come to a complete stop. Period. That’s it–end of discussion. You will find yourself thinking-oh wait till l tell him this. Then you realize that you won’t be able to do that. Ever again.
You feel suddenly very alone and very vulnerable. The thought of anything that could cause you physical pain (like a doctor visit) becomes completely intolerable. I had to work up courage and was shaking like a leaf when I had my eye exam. This was something I could not control. It may sound ridiculous, but that’s the way it was.
You become fearful (and sort of phobic). You find excuses for not going out of the house. Your motivation becomes non-existent.
You have to do everything alone.
Everything becomes very, very hard to do.
I can only compare it to what F. Scott Fitzgerald once said about writing “It is like swimming underwater and holding your breath.” That is exactly the way it feels.
Of course, there is the Resurrection–but you want him here and now.
I am blessed in having good neighbors. I was surprised how many people came to my door, gave me their phone numbers, and offered help if I needed it.
Then there are the possessions. There is much to give away, dispose of, sell, or find a good home for. More that you realize.
I am also lucky that in the archives there are a couple of interviews where I can hear the sound of his voice, describing his writing techniques and other topics. That is very comforting to have.
The bottom line is–it is not easy, it takes a lot of time and you must accept that your life is changed forever.
It does get easier.
But it takes a lot of time.
Don’t rush yourself or set unrealistic goals.
God will help you, so don’t forget to ask Him.
