A Snippet of Imaginary History

Head of a Roman Patrician (article) | Khan Academy

It’s 160 B.C., and the Roman Republic is the dominant power in the Mediterranean, governed by the Roman Senate and the Roman People’s Assembly.

But there has been friction between Rome and a power far inland–the United Scythians of Asia. We join the Senate with the debate in progress. Marcus Cato, Cato the Elder, is speaking.

“Senators, the United Scythians are ruled by a doddering dotard who can’t always remember to put his trousers on; and his newest government minister is this fat guy who paints his face and insists he is a woman. Their government is the laughing-stock of the civilized world! How long would it take us to conquer them? Fifteen minutes? Twenty? Or a whole day, if the weather’s bad? The only reason I can think of to send an army there would be if we felt sorry enough for those people to replace their government for them. And it wouldn’t have to be a big army, either!”

Happily, we know that no government like that would ever come into existence in the real world…

Democrats in Search of a New Boogie Man

In Pictures: Troops, riot fencing and razor wire in Washington DC | Gallery  News | Al Jazeera

For four years-plus, it was Donald Trump: he was the boogie man, and Democrats used our Free & Independent Nooze Media Inc. to attack him every day, every night, non-stop.

But now he’s out of office and they need a new super-villain to scare the plebs. Looks like it’s going to be… “militia.”

People have been wondering why all those troops have been kept in Washington D.C. Some think it’s because Democrats can only govern us at gun-point. Maybe. But–!

Today is March 4; and today’s session of Congress has been canceled for fear that “militia” are going to swoop down on Washington and re-install Donald Trump as president, even if they have to wipe out Congress to do it. The… they call it “news coverage”… by the New York Times is remarkable for both hysteria and shabby pseudojournalism (https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/03/us/politics/capitol-riot-qanon-trump.html). It would be funny if it weren’t real.

The Times hyperventilates about “Trump loyalists and extremists,” led by a not very important group called QAnon,  that are supposedly going to route the troops and grab the government: “pro-Trump conspirators may be planning an attack.” Gee, I thought we were the ones who were into conspiracy theories. And of course the “militia group” that’s the focus of all this “intelligence” and panic is… you guessed it: “un-named.” Heck, it could be anybody!

As Mark Simone said, “If they’re that scared of a dozen hillbillies in a pickup truck, they should all resign and go home.”

And no NYT article would be complete without saying “Mr. Trump repeated his false claim” about the election being stolen. How do they know it’s a false claim? The courts have refused to hear the case. How do they know the evidence is false? They have refused to look at it. But this is what is called, in modern journalism, “The Narrative.” It used to be called “lying.”

So here we are on March 4, Congress off cowering somewhere, Capitol surrounded by razor wire and riot fences, and troops all over the place waiting for the hillbillies.

Fantastic. They subvert our whole electoral process, follow it up with a raft of executive orders for stuff that nobody wants–and they’re dumbfounded that a lot of people, an awful lot of Americans, are mad at them? Say it ain’t so!

It would never, never occur to them to stop doing all that commie stuff that makes us mad at them. I mean, what is the whole point of being big shots, if you’re going to be scared of the peasants?

Dems Want President to ‘Share’ Authority to Launch Nuclear Missiles

Joe Biden: ex-defense secretary's wife says viral photo used 'misleadingly'  | Joe Biden | The Guardian

If you can’t trust this guy with the nuclear missiles… hey, game over.

If Democrats haven’t made you physically ill yet, maybe this’ll do it.

Citing preposterous and totally fictional concerns that President Donald Trump might have gone crazy and started dropping nuclear bombs around the place, 31 Democrat weenies in the House of Representatives have released a letter calling for the president to “share” the authority to launch nuclear missiles (https://www.voanews.com/usa/us-politics/democrats-want-biden-relinquish-sole-authority-nuclear-launches).

Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a compulsive liar, sez she contacted the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on Jan. 6–when there was a very small riot at the Capitol Building–to ask about “preventing an unstable president” from going nuclear. The noozies take it as a given that nobody on the Left had anything whatsoever to do with organizing the riot–we are to take their word for it that the whole thing was 100% Donald Trump’s fault.

When did they outlaw intellectual honesty among “journalists”?

Anyway, according to this letter from the House, unspecified “past presidents” have “exhibited behavior that causes other officials to express concerns about the presidents’ judgment.”

Now, nowhere in the letter do they mention alleged “President Joe Biden,” or his leg hairs, or his deathless quote, “You know… uh, uh… the thing!” So what “presidents” are they “concerned” about? We ain’t got but one–and he’s defective. Everybody knows it.

The president has sole authority to launch nuclear missiles. At the same time, American military officers have a duty to disobey unlawful orders. And a lunatic president can be removed from office, per the 25th Amendment. Were they really, truly afraid Donald Trump was tempted to nuke D.C.? Or were they more worried that Doddering Joe might press the button because he thought he was having a rumble with Corn Pop down by the swimming pool?

Some Dems have suggested that it might be well if the president had to share that authority with, say, the vice president and whatever wad of protoplasm occupies the Speaker’s chair. Yeah, swell idea. Round ’em up and chew the fat for a couple hours while the bad guys are gleefully peppering America with their missiles. And there’s always the possibility that they might not be able to reach an agreement in time to fight the nuclear war at all. So the reason the president has that sole authority is because time is of the essence.

Readers’ Quiz For The Day: Who are more dishonest–Democrats or “journalists”?

‘Oops! 100% Tax Rate’ (2017)

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A band of jolly senators, circa 1879

One of the fondest dreams of leftids the world over is a 100% tax rate–and maybe even higher.

For a brief moment in history, thanks to a pack of fumbling, bumbling senators, we almost had a 100% tax rate in America.

Oops! 100% Tax Rate

My wife is trying to do our taxes this week. It takes all day, day after day, going over hundreds of pages, until it’s finally done.

When things get this complicated, a fair amount of stupidity is bound to work its way in. And with that much complication, things don’t stay honest, either.

The CDC: They’re Kidding–We Hope

Image result for images of robber with stocking mask

This just in. I don’t want it to be true.

It seems the Center for Disease Control, confronting evidence that making everybody wear face masks hasn’t and will not do a lick of good, are pondering whether they should recommend we all wear–undies! panty hose!–across our faces, on top of two or three masks (https://en-volve.com/2021/02/12/not-satire-cdc-now-recommending-we-wear-pantyhose-on-our-faces-along-with-facemasks/).

They’ve done “experiments on mannequins in a lab”–no testing on humans yet–and admit, grudgingly, that “double masking might impede breathing or obstruct peripheral vision.” Ya think? And so, they say, we might try “placing a sleeve made of sheer nylon hosing material around the neck and pulling it up over either cloth or medical procedure mask”… with “knots and tuckings” to make it tight.

I’m sure I’ve heard of bank robbers doing this.

They’ve gone completely loopy.

Folks, we need a new government–stat!


When the Phone Rings at Midnight… and It’s an Idiot

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So it’s midnight last night; we’ve turned the lights out, topped off the cat food, and are about to go upstairs to bed… when the phone rings.

Now, what does it mean when the phone rings at midnight? Someone in your family has died! Or been grossly injured in an accident. Nothing good, that’s for sure. So I pick up the phone.

And it’s our town’s mayor, to tell us that it’s gonna snow tomorrow. This spawn of Cthulhu called us up at twelve o’clock at night to tell us that.

Just what you don’t need–a shot of adrenalin at bedtime.

Yeah, all right–it’s snowing right now. Coming down pretty good. But to send out a robo-call at midnight–you didn’t think the nimrod was sitting at the phone himself, did you?–is just not decent.

We are governed by idiots, and we don’t know how to get rid of them.

SF Schools: Acronyms Are Racist!

Image result for images of babbling gibberish

Do you ever get the impression that America from north to south, from east to west, is governed by idiots and lunatics?

The San Francisco–that’s that city where they poo on the sidewalk–Unified School District, having just decided to rename 44 of its schools Because Racism, is now proposing to get rid of acronyms… because acronyms are racist, too! (https://www.sfgate.com/local/article/school-renaming-SFUSD-acronyms-racist-15919053.php)

These little flutters, by the way, will cost millions of dollars of public money. And the flippin’ schools aren’t even open! Because COVID.

And so, for instance, VAPA–“Visual and Performing Arts”–has been replaced by SFUSD Art Dept. Honk if you have noticed that “SFUSD” is an acronym, too.

What does this accomplish? Oh, please–what a question! Acronyms, we are told, are hard to understand for people who don’t speak English. That makes ’em racist.

Can we secede from San Francisco? In case whatever they have is catching.

We Have to Do Better Than This

8,347 Snow Plow Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Well, the forecast is still for beaucoup snow, and we’ve decided we’d better bring in more groceries today rather than wait till tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

As I learned from my experiences as a reporter, snow removal is often a contentious issue in small towns. Generally they’ve already spent their snow removal budget on other things months before the first snowflake falls. Then it snows and they have a crisis, and the residents are fit to be tied because their streets aren’t getting plowed.

I am reminded of a colossal snowstorm here, many years ago, in which the town councilman in charge of activating the Public Works Dept. for plows, etc., was nowhere to be found. It was a quirk of government that only this guy had the authority to put the plows to work: they couldn’t move until he gave the word.

It turned out he was spending the night with his girlfriend and didn’t realize it was snowing like crazy. The next day, of course, he discovered that we’d had two feet of snow, so he finally told the plows to go ahead. They would’ve had a much easier job of it if they’d gotten to work 12 hours sooner.

Pressed for an explanation of why he hadn’t been available when they needed him, the best the councilman could do was, “Well, it ain’t snowin’ now!” Made it stop, then, did you? Attaboy.

I’ve attended more than a few town council meetings that melted down into ire and rancor over snow removal: no one likes getting blamed for it not happening. I’m reminded of one night when the Public Works foreman practically frog-marched a vocal critic into a DPW truck for a tour of the township so he could see the lads were hard at work everywhere–not just lazing around the township garage drinking beer and watching TV, as the critic had slyly suggested. He had no choice but to go on the tour–and the whole crowd insisted on waiting till he was brought back, so they could enjoy his humiliation.

And you want to give government more power?

Biden: ‘I Don’t Know What I’m Signing’

WATCH: Hot Mic Catches Sleepy Joe Saying “I Don’t Know What I’m Signing” Before Being FORCED To Sign Executive Order By Kamala Anyway

Well, what did you expect?

There are reports that Joe Biden died in 2017 and that the current “Biden” that we see is either a robot or a zombie, or a mixture of both. So of course he doesn’t know what he’s signing.

Watch the video embedded in the news story and decide whether that’s actually what he said. I found it a bit hard to make out. But it’s very easy to believe he said it. No one knows what’s going to pop out of his mouth, moment by moment.

There’s hardly any point to reporting the nooze just now. We all know what the nooze is. Our country has been stolen by a crime syndicate with ties to the Chinese Communist Party. And we don’t know what to do about it. All we have left is our prayers. I pray for vengeance.

So that’s all the nooze I’m gonna do today, unless somebody out there asks for something in particular.

Waht i Amb goingto Doo whith My Lyfe!!

Hairy Legs High Res Stock Images | Shutterstock

I hased a Brane Strom!!! Nhow i Know jist waht I amb Goingto doo whith My Lyfe!!!! i soddenly reelyzed I has got “the” Saim Naim “as” Pressadint Joe Bydin and “So” i amb Goingto maik My selph Jist eggzackly lyke himb!!!!!!!!!! That whay thare “wilbe” Two! Of! himb so in Caise “one of” Us hasto go in fore Repears thare wil “Still” “be” one leffed Out Syde!!

So I amb whirking on “geting” Hary Leggs jist “lyke” Jo Bydin’s Hary Legs and it woont “be” eezy becose i has got Hardlee “enny” hare on “My” leggs!!!!! butt i doo has Moth Antenners “on” my Hedd and i Can Cohm themb so thay loook jist lyke Joh Bydin’s Hedd Hare!!!!!

Nhow somb boddy thay toleded me i “has” got To Lurn how to Plaguejurize becose that “is” waht Jo Bydin he duz al “The” Tymbe!!!!!!!!!! i has nevvir Plaguejurized nothing befour butt I amb toled that jist aboot Annyboddy thay can “Lurn” “how!”!” Jist taik stuff that somb boddy Elss thay sayed “and” say i sayed itt!!!

Jo Bydin and me tho we whil has “tobe” Cair Full nott “tobe” seeen Two-gethur att “the” Saim Tyme becose thenn somb Biggit Haters thay whil say that “one Of” us he “is” Faik!!!!!! butt as sooon as Jo he gets ridd “Of” the Furst Emendmint thenn That it willbe “No Promble” becose no boddy thay whil “notbe” Aloud to say nothing lyke “that”!”!”

Well i caint harredlee Whait tilll i groh mats and matts of Legg Hares and al the Littel Chilldrin thay wil whant “to” Play whith themb In “the” Swimmbing Poool!!!!!!!!!!