The ‘State of the Eunuch’ Speech

PHOTO: President Joe Biden stumbles while walking up the steps of Air Force One at Joint Base Andrews, Md., March 19, 2021, for a trip to Georgia.

It’s always better to fall up the stairs than down.

Oh, boy! We have secretly obtained “notes” for SloJo Biden’s “State of the Eunuch” speech tonight. Our source says “The language has to be cleaned up a little before he goes on the air… For instance, we’re recommending that he call it the ‘State of the Union,’ as it’s always been. Still, it’s just about ready.”

Two points stand out. We quote:

“On my watch, more little boys have been castrated than in all our country’s history put together, up till now. This is how we’re fighting Climbit Change!”

And this:

“All that expensive military equipment that we left behind, skedaddling out of Afghanistan with our tails between our legs, will have to be replaced so that we can donate it to Ukraine’s war effort! This means, in a word of just three letters, JOBS! Our economy is booming!”

The president has also learned how to pretend to pull a finger off his hand. “He can hardly wait to perform it while he delivers the speech,” says our source. “He saw it at a party when he was five years old and has finally mastered it himself.”

We’ll probably get in trouble for showing this in advance, but we can’t resist. So here it is.

“Let’s see Putin do that!” the president reportedly declared.

‘Forcing You to Go to College???’ (2018)

Why I send college students to prison: Column

The bars are just there in case they try to escape before their college time is up.

New Mexico had this great scheme a couple of years ago: require (how they love that word!) everyone to apply to at least one freakin’ college as a condition of graduating from high school.

Forcing You to Go to College???

Now obviously I don’t know how this turned out. I strongly suspect it simply sank out of sight. For for them even to contemplate such nonsense calls their sanity into question. Merciful heavens! We are governed by chowderheads who think like this?

There are already way, way, way too many kids in college! And way too many colleges.

Oh, No! A Preposition Shortage!

Commonly Confused Prepositions—In/Into, On/Onto, Between/Among Trinka

The Biden administration is taking firm steps to prevent Western Europe’s damaging preposition shortage from spilling over into the United States.

The preposition shortage is caused by Transphobia, scientists say. Note the illustration above, in which “expect” is offered to us as a preposition in place of “except.” The confusion is increasing!

“We are not going to let this happen here,” said Dr. Imshi Bowwow, recently appointed preposition czar. “If we have to, we’ll make up new prepositions to fill the void left by the others. For instance, if you can’t say ‘Ze is in that room’ because ‘in’ has suddenly dropped out of the language, you can still say ‘Ze zum that room.’

“And if that doesn’t work, we may have to sacrifice a noun or an adverb–whatever it takes! Like, man, we’re already in deep trouble with our pronouns! But it’s not without a silver lining. If people can’t talk, they can’t say bad things!”

And there’s always pantomiming as a last resort, they added. Note the “they.”

So far, Finland has been the country hardest hit. In, at, of, and with are rapidly disappearing from the language. “But at least they’ve got a transgender figure skater!” Dr. Bowwow said. “Maybe the trade-off is worth it.”

(P.S.–They’ve also spelled “across” as “accross.”)

My Newswithviews Column, Jan. 26 (‘Governed by Idiots’)

It's time to bring the helicopter propeller hat back! - The Something Awful  Forums

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ve already encountered the inanities described in this week’s Newswithviews column. A stunned incredulity moves me to revisit them.

Governed by Idiots

Letting criminals run wild. Spending millions of dollars to find out whether house paint is racist. (Why not? Everything else is.) Spending millions more to reprint government documents with a different type face, because someone, somewhere, can’t read the ones we have.

How long can we keep on doing stupid stuff like this before our civilization capsizes?

Davos Doomster: ‘Stop Eating Meat’

2,539 Group Of Baboons Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Couldn’t find quite the right picture of the crowd at Davos, but this is the next closest thing. With apologies to the baboons.

The Davos Doom-Fest continues. A few days ago the chairman of Siemens–I thought it was a furniture outlet in New York, but it’s actually one of those huge amorphous corporate blobs–said a billion people have to stop eating meat. “If a billion people stop eating meat…” it’ll all be hunky-dory (https://londondaily.com/siemens-ag-chairman-calls-on-one-billion-people-to-stop-eating-meat-to-combat-climate-change-at-klaus-schwab-s-world).

This doofus said he stopped eating meat when his 24-year-old daughter chided him for not doing enough to erase his Carbon Footprint. (I capitalize these things because liberals think they’re So Important.) So he stopped eating meat. Meanwhile, he has a private jet take him round the block for donuts.

Wise Globalists, he promised, will compensate you for the meat they took away: they’ll create artificial foods in the laboratory and it’ll be ever so much nicer than the real thing!

I’m still boggling over John Kerry’s description of himself and his ancient playmates as “a select group of human beings… talking about saving The Planet.” Whoever made that selection needs to go back to kindergarten. Kerry added, “It’s almost extraterrestrial.” Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

These are the idiots who want to rule over every aspect of our lives.

Our Stupid State Dept.

71,119 Fancy Letters Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Sheesh, look at all them freakin’ serifs! You could go blind…

Europe’s on fire with war, Red China wants to invade Taiwan, Brazil’s been taken over by a communist… but our State Dept. has its priorities in order!

They’ve just announced they’re going to change the type font on all official State Dept. documents (https://www.entrepreneur.com/business-news/the-us-state-department-is-canceling-times-new-roman-font/443211). No more “Times New Roman”! It’s got serifs in it. Fooey! It ain’t “accessible” to persons with certain disabilities.

So they’re gonna go with Calibri instead, which has no serifs. Those blasted serifs–

Wait! Stop! News Flash! This Just In: 

“The biggest disability of them all is illiteracy,” says former mental patient Sandy Palooka, now a deputy Secretary of State. “So from now on, no official State Dept. documents at all will be printed! There’s an old saying at the FBI, ‘If you don’t write it down, they don’t got a case.’ Well, that’s a very wise saying and we’re taking it to heart–nothing in writing! Hey, whatever font you use, it don’t matter if somebody they can’t read at all. And if there’s just one person who can’t read, that’s one too many!”

 

Dems: Lower Voting Age to 4!

Voting for the Future Generation - New Darlings

If only the cacti could vote!

“I’ve learned my lesson!” says former Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We lost that bill to lower the voting age to 16 simply because it didn’t go far enough. I see that now! So we’re coming back with a new bill to lower the voting age to four.”

Pelosi chose not to comment on rumors that party leaders had to quash a movement to expand the voting franchises to include plants and animals. “Of course we would have liked to see cacti voting Democrat in Arizona,” she said. “But before we can do that, we really must see about granting voting rights to citizens of other countries than ours. After all, we’re all on the same planet!”

Special poll watchers will help the 4-year-olds vote, leading them by the hand to the voting machines and showing them which buttons to press. A successful vote will earn the gift of a lollipop.

To make it easier for very young children, the new voting machines will have only Democrat buttons.

“This is the kind of thing that makes America unique!” Pelosi said.

Fantastic Idea! Race-Based ‘Hate Speech’ Laws

Things that scare the living bejeezus out of me.

This is your government. Nice threads. (Oops! Federal offense!)

Red state Texas, hot dog. They keep electing Far Left wacko Sheila Jackson Lee–has she been in the House of Representatives forever, or does it only seem that way?

Anyhow, she’s got this swell idea to widen “hate speech” laws so they can be applied to almost anything you might possibly say: but more specifically, to make it a federal offense for a white person to express criticism or disapproval “directed against any non-White person or group” (https://www.foxnews.com/politics/sheila-jackson-lee-introduces-bill-criminalizing-hate-speech).

It got shot down in the House; but the next time Democrats cheat enough to take back the House, they’ll try again.

So let’s say you write a comment on a Facebook page, “I’m sick and tired of Black Lives Matter’s Marxist hypocrisy.” Uh-oh! It’s off to Leavenworth for you! Anything you say that can possibly be seen as an expression of “white supremacy” would brand you guilty of “hate.” (Don’t be confused. It’s not hate when Democrats do it. Ms. Lee can hate you 24/7. But if you say she’s a racist, you could face federal hate crime charges!)

Sometimes I’m surprised America makes it to the end of the week, given the multitude of villains, ninnies, bog-hoppers, schmendricks, jidrools, and wastes of space whom we allow to “govern” us.

And someday it’ll be against the law for me to say that… if “Progressives” have their way.

The Far Left Idiot Quote of the Year

Lost Children Archive' Is A Meditation On Family, And Children Detained At  The Border – Houston Public Media

Here are some teens who’ve already been captured (the barbed wire is a tell).

It’s only January, but former Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi already has it sewn up for the year. And don’t be too surprised if a teeny bit of truth slips out of a corner of her mouth.

House Democrats recently offered legislation to lower the voting age (in federal elections) to 16. It didn’t pass. And here’s what Pelosi said.

“I think it’s really important to capture kids when they’re in high school…”

“Capture”? You’ve already got ’em captured in the public schools, getting brainwashed by Far Left teachers’ unions. You’d think they’d try to tunnel out… but I guess it doesn’t take that long to make their minds right. Then they’re ready for college.

And ready to vote, too! Can’t get married at 16, can’t sign a binding business contract, but boy howdy, you can help decide the fate of our country! And you’re almost certain to vote Far Left because even if you eventually grow out of it, it’ll be years too late.

Oh, you’ve captured them, all right. That’s what public schools are for and that’s what they do.

The one and only purpose here is to keep Democrats in power. Forever.

We’re Not Gonna Grab Your Gas Stoves’: Lie

Hochul: Storm will 'go down in history as the most devastating' in Buffalo  | The Hill

Oh, who needs restaurants? Not you plebs, that’s for sure!

I challenge anyone to name even one crackpot scheme that Democrats ever gave up on. Hey! Remember the Green New Deal, that they had to pretend to disown, once they saw how passionately the country hated it? Well, it’s baaaaaaaaack!

New York Democrat Gov. Kathy Hochul–how do these characters ever get elected?–plans to abolish gas stoves by 2030 (https://nypost.com/2023/01/11/hochuls-plan-to-ban-sale-of-gas-stoves-fuels-outrage/), even as the rest of the Biden gang denies they ever had any such plans. “All new construction,” says this jidrool who never built anything and never ran a business in her life, will be “zero emission” starting in 2025.

Now, remember, this is the political party that cries “Down with fossil fuels!” So how are we to cook food, after they take away our gas stoves? Well, forsooth–They’re gonna make us use electric stoves, of course! What that’ll do to ordinary normal people’s electric bills is a folly. And where do they think the electricity to run the stoves is gonna come from? Mars? Nope–it has to be generated… with fossil fuels!

Meanwhile, mandatory electric stoves would almost certainly be the destruction of New York’s restaurant industry. In addition to the electric stoves being simply inadequate for various kinds of cooking, they’d also cost a fortune. I can’t imagine how New York City could survive without its restaurants.

Once they’ve got a damnfool idea in their heads, Democrats NEVER get rid of it. They’ll change its name twenty dozen times, they’ll try to slip it into legislation that’s totally unrelated to it, they’ll hold more popular programs hostage (“If you want this, you have to give us that!”), or just pass it on a late Friday of a three-day weekend. We will never see the end of it.

They want your stoves, people. Oh–and your cars, too. Etc.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t vote Republican?