Hear at Collidge us who is On “the” Stodent Soviet we has fowned Out “that” it is Aginst The Law “to” be Fat in Jepan and soon “the” Russhins thay wil aslo Make It “aginst The law” tooo! and our Cheef Commasar she slapt Her four-hed and sayed Now wye “dint we” Think “of” Thatt”!!!
I seen a Fat Parson oncet and “it” was trooly Discussting!! Fat Peeple thay taik up “moar than” thare fare shair of Spayce!!! it is becose of Captolism that “thay” are So Fat yiu dont harrdly nevver see no fat peeple in Veniceowhalea!! that is becose thay “are” Socilist!!!! witch prooves Socilism “it is” goood four yiu!!
So wee are “goingto” maik Rools aginst Being Fat and yiu whil has to Pay a “Fyne” of lots of dollers like maybe “6000 thousand $$” jist for Being Fat and a nother “thousind dollers$$” per Powned yiu “are” Over Wait! butt frist wee has got “to” maik a Chart to say hoaw mutch yiu “are aloud” to Way,, like if yiu “are” Sicks Foot Tall yiu has got to Way like mayby a huntred 100 powneds!! And aslo iff yiu are “Tooo Fat” then yiu cant has no Toylit Payper neether,, that “is ” a Nother good thing abote Socilism!!!
The peeple in Venzowayla thay are “all” Loosing Wait becose Socilism it “is so” helthy four yiu!! That “is” waht we whant to has On our Campiss!!!! And that is caulled Free Dum!!!!!!
Wel al of Us in the Stodent Soviet we “are” like Totully In Love whith Alexandor Octosomething Cortezz and her Greeen New Dele!!!! It “is” jist waht we been wating four!!! At laast!! The Fudnamintle Trans Fourmatoin of Amerrica!!
I spatially like “the” Part abuot thay taike aweigh al the Cars “and” Tare Down evry bilding In Amerrica and put Up “a” New One insted!!! i hasnt got no stopid Car and i live in my prefesser’s Tool Shedd so i hop The Govramint thay taiks All The Cars and pullls down “All The” Houses espatially christins and Repobblicans and wite Suepremassists houses and make themb all live In cradbored Boxxes or som Thing!!!
Aslo i like the Part abote we al get Free Monny but i dont whant no Job becose whork it blows so i think I willl “jist hide” wen thay strat Handing Out “the” jobs i dont whant to has to be a accountint or nucular Physic guy or nothing like that!!
Aslo i like that Part abuot no Moar Jett Plains and hi-speeed rale insted i hope all “the” Trane Rides thay whill be Free and i can take a Trane to Ingland and taik coarses at Oxfrod!!!!
Of coarse yiu has got “to be A” Interllectural to reely “apreshate” The Green Niew Dele,, themb ordrinary dum peple “thay” whill Not Under-Stanned it! Thay are two stopid to reeleyes that themb hasing houses And Cars it maiks Climbit Chainge and “the” Whorld it Will End in jist 12 yeers iff we dont do The Grean New Dele!!! Butt thay willl feal Bettor abote it wen thay Get Free Monney and “thare” is In Come Equailitty alll over!!! We wil alll Be Ritch becose the Govramint it whill giving us lots of Monney!!
Jist in caset Hillery she dont whant “to” Be Pressadint afftar all witch wuld Be “a” tradegy well now we “has” fowned somboddy amlost as goood!!!
Hank Johnson he “is the” Smartest guy in Congriss!! and “he” is The Ownly one whoo tells “the” Truth!!! thare is this iland caled Gwom or som thing “like” that,, it is “In” the Ocian and it “is” jist a Smawl Iland and the fashists and Donold Trumpt thay whant “to” Put like a millian Maurines thare so thay “can” attack The Peeples Repubic of Magnolia and Hank Johnson he Called Themb Out on it man he cawled themb out!!!!!! He is the ownly one in Congriss who sayed that iland it will Tip Over and Cap’s Eyes iff thay put “that menny” Maurines on it!!!
We disgussed it in the Stodent Soviet and now wee whant Hank Johnson four pressadint in case we cant has Hillery!! and aslo now we has got a Plan “how to” Saive the Contry from themb Red Staites ful “of” Knotsies!! Al we has to “Do” is get like a millian Socile Jutstus Wirers to go to a Red Staite rite thare in the Middel of it and Jump Up “and” down untill we make it tip Over and Cap’s Eyes!!! and that whill Be The “End” of that hole staite ful of Wite Stupramassists!!!! and than we jist go on To “another” Red Staite and make that one Tip Over and Cap’s Eyes tooo!!!!!! and whee keeep “doing” it untill thare is no moar Red Staites ownly Bluue Staites lefft!!!
I jist cant figgier “Out” how comb No Boddy thay thauhght of This soooner!!!
Wel lets See “the” Climbit Chainge Denilers get Out “of” thiss one!!!!!
This hear is a actural fotograft “of” a Wiled Sentor standding aruound doing Nothing! It whas takin behynd somone’s House in ether Mitchagin or Spane (i fourget witch one) or else som Other Staite!!
As we has lernt in Femmanast Zooolagy themb Sentors thay ownly “come Out” wen thare is Climbit Chainge and Globle Worming!! Som Hater he sayed Sentors thay “are” jist Mathollagy fromb wen thare was only Greeeks and no otther kineds of peple whoo Did Not Evolv yet but six of us we throed his Byke “in” the Pond so he Shut Up!!
Sentors are Danjeras becose thay “go” to Chick-Fill-Ay wen thare isnt no one looking and thenn “thay” come Out and do Racism! and aslo thay Stop peple fromb Recykling! and thay “are” Hard “to” see unlest yiu Smoak a lott of wheed otherwhys thay jist sort Of “blend in to” the Backround!!! its No Joak a Hand Made zhe was kilt bye a Sentor wile zhe whas Eating Luntch that hapened in Scott Land or somplaice!!!
“The” only whay to Stop Sentors is iff Evry One thay has to pay A Carbin Tacks and not has cars no moar and let the Govermint “racion” Toylet Paper!!! We has got To Stop Globble Worming!! and Climbit Chainge!!! and than “the” Sentors thay “whil” go “awway”!!!!!
I herd a lexture Last nihght it jist blode my Mind!!!
It was a gest prefesser i cant spel her “naime” but It was somthing like Abbey Babbly she is “a” famis Femmanast she finded a grate Ogrenizaytoin it is “callled” #Radicle Al Incloosave! and she sayed we Cant ware themb Vajiyna Hats no moar “becose” thare is lots of Wimmim thay hasnt got Vajynas thay has peepees insted!!!!! and fromb now On “we” has got to “be” Incloosave of Wimmins whith-out themb thare whatsits!!! Dammit i jist bauhght one too)!
“In facked^” she sayed “evin The Whurd “”Wimmin”” it is Extruding al themb wimmins that hasnt got Yiu Know Waht” and farthermoor “al Whurds thay “are” Bad becose eech Whurd it extrudes evry Thing whitch is Not That Whurd” And “that it is Not Incloosave!”” Like frinstints if yiu says Som thing it “is a” Thum Tack well then It extrudes evry thing “whitch is” not a Thum Tack!!!”” I nevver thinked of that befour!!! Butt of coarse That “is” wye we go to Collidge in the frist plaice,, to Lern New Stufff!!! and that “is” how yiu becomes a Interllectural!!!!! i do not Whant to Affend annyboddy that say thay are a Thum Tack!!!
Then she reely sayed a reely raddicle thing,, “she sayed gess Waht, thare isnt no sutch Thing “as” a Man or a Wimmin themb whurds thay was maid up by The Paytryarchie to keeep Wimmin down and so Fromb Now On the Whurd Wimmin it “has” got to In-cloode Evry-One!!!!!! So i becomed a Wimmin jist by hering that thare lexture!!!
And then she toled us “Men” only thare isnt no sutch thing, “Men” thay can Get Pregganent too jist like Wimmon used to! I wished she wood of toled us How yiu Get Pregganent so i can maik sure “it” dont hapen To Me!!! then i wuld has to get a Bortion and it wuld Be a Hassle!!
Whell i got to taik Som Time offf to rap My Mind aruond “al” this New Stuff I lernted,, it makes My Moth Antenners hurt!
Boy is Collidge hard some times!! it is “using” Up “all” my Brane Powwer!
I sined up for a coarse In Femmanist Jograffy becose i am “taking” al themb Moth Hoarmoans to make me Into A Wimmin and than i Whill Be a reel Femmanist but it is sooo “hard” becose now thay are Moving “all the plaices” aruond to Other Plaices!!!
Like Jepan for instants! Jepan it is in Ohio butt now i has to lern it is Somware Elsse!!! In Femmanist Jograffy now Jepan it is in Arrazona and Arrazona thay moved It to Affricka!! This hear it is dun becose of Femmanist Apissta-Mollajy and yiu has to be Inter-Sexional to unnerstand Waht “that” “meens”!!! My hedd it is pownding!!
The Prefesser she tolled us yiu has “got to” go Beeyond Gender and i gess i Whas Rong becose i dint Know “thare” was a Beeyond Gender ennything!!
Evin Wurst! That thare coarse in Femmanist Jograffy it “costs” a Extra $Thowsend Dolars pur Samester and yiu “know” i hasnt got that kyned of Muney!!!!! so i has got to Pay by “beeing” “the prefesser’s Serphent!! i has to Go to her Appartamint and whash disshes and vacume and duo her lawndry and ohboy i dont “Know How” to fix lawndry and her cloths thay Came Out all torn and derty whith Goofy Colores i dont know “watt” she is goingto Say wen she fines Out!!! So i had had to Hyde themb clothes Under the Bedd and hoap she dont See “themb”!! and aslo i kep getting The “whashing masheen mixed” up whith the Stoave and then there whas a reely bad Fyre!!! lucky four me she wasnt hoam!!! Wauter wauter evryware,, bye the Time i “put” it out!! Butt usully she is Hihgh on somthing so she dont “knotice” a Lot of things!!!
Anyboddy whoo thinks “being” a Interllectural it is Eazy, thay are krazy!!!!!!
Whell, jist in Time,, i joyned our collidge’s Pro Choyce Cacas! and thay has gived Us “alll” a liszt of New Yeer’s Rezzalutoins!! The Pro Choyce Cacas thay maded al Our “choyces” fore us,; how grate is that??? Al wee has to do Is “obay” themb!!!
And hear thay are!
We Rezolfe to whare only “the” Cloathes the Cacas says we “has” got to whare Evry Day!!
We Rezolfes to reed “The” Handmade’s Tail over and ovar agin and keap Reeding it so we know “it bye” hart!!
We rezolfes to get Inta Canfrontaycions whith christins and conserfatiffs Evry Day and keap Doingit “untill” thay Minds thay are rihght!!!
We rezolfes to go to Bed evry Nihght wen the Cacas say we shuld!
We rezolfe only “to” use themb brandnew Pro Nouns that the Cacas thay has jist maded Up,: like Gzee and Gzaa and Gzuu and Lunnabunna and a “lot of” Others,, i has not yett Bin Abel to memberyze themb alll, “thay are” for al the New Genders that has got “to be” Re-speckted!!! Al themb Old Pro Nouns thay “are” Trans Foabbick!!
Aslo we has got to say “the” F Bomb at leest Oncet in evry sentints becose this hear it Willl aleavvyate globbal Povverte and Sex Ism!! I all reddy started Doingit but that stopid lee he is “goingto” deeleet al my F Balms!! [Editor’s note: You got that right, Joe.]
And aslo tooo we Rezolfe to Hate all the hatters and biggits That are “arond” hear on the Campas and to Hate themb “until” thay jist Drop Dedd!!!!!
So thoze thay are all “The” Rezzalutoins that The Pro Choyce Cacas thay has choze for us!!
Back in the 70s I knew someone who had Mao’s little red book, kept it with her at all times, and began every other sentence with “Chairman Mao says…” A prime product of our glorious universities, even back then.
This is an early Joe Collidge essay, but his ideas haven’t changed in three years. His position has hardened as his brain has softened. But that’s what college does to you.
I’m thinking of offering a prize to anyone who can state the difference between Joe Collidge and the Democrat National Committee, apart from the spelling.
Oh man did yiu “see” that??? Hillery she is Pressadint!!!!!
That stopid Donold Trumpt he whent on “some” Trip “somewear” and wile he “was” Gone Hillery she whent Back inta “the” Whity House and now It “is” hers like It shuld of Bin al allong only Trumpt he collided Whith the Russhins and cheeted Her out Of “it”!! We.ll Ha Ha Ha Trumpt! Gess the Joak it is “on” yiu! Turn yore back and Hillery she has took waht “is” rihghtfolly hers!!! She even brung Bill back inta the Whyt House whith her!
And i know “it” is True becose i seen it on the Inter Net!!!! She sended Out Chrismiss Gretings fromb The Wyhite House and thare “was” The Pixture and pixtures thay dont lye!!!
So hear at Collidge we holded “a” Big Celebbratchin and somboddy she “is” a Satinist she sayed “It “is” a Mearacal done by Satin!!! Hale satin!!”
Welll we lyke satinists butt reely sombtiymes Yiu “has” got to “carreck” themb and So The Commassar of our Stodent Soviet she ansurd this Satinist,, she “sayed” “We admyre Satin but come On “now” whoo neads Satin wehn yiu Got Hillery and Pressadint Obamma??” We “has al bin” preying to Pressadint Obamma to maik Hillery she be the Pressadint and gess waht,-, he Came Thruogh”!!!!!
Now thay has to ketch Trumpt and extracute himb and “his” fambly befour thay Can “maik” enny more Trubble!!
We has got to Stop “this” Chrissmiss becose it “is” Religgin and Religgion it “Is” Unconstatuchinul!! So this moaning we Had a Big Demminstratchin and Protest aginst that Chrissmiss song Baby “It” is “Cold Out Side!”!
This stopid song it is religgius and it Is hat speach and now thay “are” not aloud to Sing it hear at Collidge! and hear is Wyh it is so Hatefil!!!
Frist it cant Be “Cold” outside yiu stopid Haters becose of Globble Warming!! This song it is Hatey becose it is Sciance De Nile!! How many “Times” we got to say this???? Chrisschians thay De Nye Sciance becose thay “ownly” whant To De-stroy The Whirld!!!!
Seckind it Is Aginst #MeTwo to cal a wimmin a baby!! and Babys thay are Unconsatuchinal tooo! thare shuldnt be no moar Babys!! thay ownly get Born to keep Wimmin down!!!
Thrid this hear “song” it is so full of Trans Fobea it “makes” “me” Sick!!! Do yiu reelyze thay got Only Two Genders in this Hatefil “song”??? Thay gone and Exclooded al the “rest”!” How “can” we Make eny Progrest wen thay alow “songs” “Like” this that has got nun of al the Other Genders in it???
So we has maked “it” aginst The Rules four this hear “song” for enny One to sing “it” arowned hear,, If yiu doo yiu whill Get Expellt!!! Fromb nowh On yiu “can” only “sing” Songs abote Pressadint Obamma and Hillery and howh grate Thay are!! and that it Is The only “kined” of Chirsmiss that wil Be aloud!!!!!
