Tag: joe collidge

‘Put’ This Hear Juj in Jale!!!!! REPRINT

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From November 11, 2022

[Last week we had a cock-up on the college front and Joe Collidge failed to appear in his usual Friday slot. Amazingly, no one complained.]

Didd yiu heer the tearrable news??? I cant beleave “it!”!” And jist affter “we winned” the Elexion tooo!!!!!!!

Some stopid juj in Tecksis ((oar “was” it Indier? i get them twoo micksed up!!)) he sayed thare Cant “be” “no” Stoodint Lone Fourgiftness!!!!!

Sints wen did anny boddy maik himb Pressadint??? Heer “at” our Collidge, “the” Stoodint Soviet we instintlie sended Off “a” leter to Pressadint Jobiden to tel himb he shood awght “to” throe That Thare Juj in jale!!!! and maby feeed himb To “the” allygaters tooo!!!!!! HOW DAIR HE??? Whoo dose “he” Thinck he “is?”!” Wat kined Of dimmocrasee Is it “wen” sumb juj he woont “let the” Pressadint do stuph???

Of corse we has bin Saying awl “allong” that thare shood awght To Be Freee Collidge foar evvry one butt Cristchins!!!!! and a free bortion too!!! If we hadded Soshalism no-boddy wood has to pay foar “enny-Thing!!”” And Collidge it “is” a Nessessaty Of Lyfe!!!!!! I lernt that In Nothing Studies!!

Whithout All “the” “grate” eddicasion i get In Collidge, I wood Be a Boob!!!!

Waht i Whant foar Whinter Festivle!!!! REPRINT

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From December 24, 2021

(Joe is a bit early with this, but he’s very enthused by the power it will give him)

We has Out-lawred “that holladay” heer At Collidge and re-plaiced “it” whith a Inkloosift Hollday witch “we” caul Whinter Festivvle!!!!!! And this hear It “is” “the” Prezzint thatt i whant Obamma Klaws to bring me!!! Grate Garlloo!!!!!!

This heer is a Toy maid by Karl Marx!!!!!! Hoaow grate “is” that???

Layter that Day “we” whil “Awll” sea The Hand-Made’s Tail it “is” awol abuote haow Meen charischins Are!!!!! Thay fourst wimmin To “has” baybes!!!!!!!!!! You caint Get a Bortion enny moar!!!!! that is watt hapens wen yiu has Donold Trumpt beeing pressadint!!!

Yiu can uze Grate Garrlloo to nock daown Churtches!! He whil “Be” yore Slaive!!!!!

[And I, the Editor, had better get to work today! Let Joe wander off to distant regions of the campus. Maybe he’ll learn something.]

Our New Yeer’s rezzalutoins!! REPRINT

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From January 4, 2019

Whell, jist in Time,, i joyned our collidge’s Pro Choyce Cacas! and thay has gived Us “alll” a liszt of New Yeer’s Rezzalutoins!! The Pro Choyce Cacas thay maded al Our “choyces” fore us,; how grate is that??? Al wee has to do Is “obay” themb!!!

And hear thay are!

We Rezolfe to whare only “the” Cloathes the Cacas says we “has” got to whare Evry Day!!

We Rezolfes to reed “The” Handmade’s Tail over and ovar agin and keap Reeding it so we know “it bye” hart!!

We rezolfes to get Inta Canfrontaycions whith christins and conserfatiffs Evry Day and keap Doingit “untill” thay Minds thay are rihght!!!

We rezolfes to go to Bed evry Nihght wen the Cacas say we shuld!

We rezolfe only “to” use themb brandnew Pro Nouns that the Cacas thay has jist maded Up,: like Gzee and Gzaa and Gzuu and Lunnabunna and a “lot of” Others,, i has not yett Bin Abel to memberyze themb alll, “thay are” for al the New Genders that has got “to be” Re-speckted!!! Al themb Old Pro Nouns thay “are” Trans Foabbick!!

Aslo we has got to say “the” F Bomb at leest Oncet in evry sentints becose this hear it Willl aleavvyate globbal Povverte and Sex Ism!! I all reddy started Doingit but that stopid lee he is “goingto” deeleet al my F Balms!! [Editor’s note: You got that right, Joe.]

And aslo tooo we Rezolfe to Hate all the hatters and biggits That are “arond” hear on the Campas and to Hate themb “until” thay jist Drop Dedd!!!!!

So thoze thay are all “The” Rezzalutoins that The Pro Choyce Cacas thay has choze for us!!

I Whant ‘to’ Joyne ‘The’ Forrin Lesion!!! REPRINT

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From December 15, 2023

Dam! I fawled Asleep “last’ Nite and mist this!!! Butt I heared abuout It layter!!!!

Did yiu know yiu cood joyne The Frentch Forrin Lesion?!? It terns Oaut thare “was” A” Recrooter heer “at” our collidge lassed Nite and he was geting stodints to sine up foar The Forrin Lesion and you get this Neet Hat and go to Frants and has spatial fyne Frentch foode and thay givv yiu this heer Red thing that yiu ware “On” yore shurt!!!! Frants is beter thann Amaricka ennyhaow,, thay “got” Socile Jutstus thare!!!!! Awl yiu has got To “do” is sine up and thay givv yiu this here “grate” Big Gun!!

I know my Hisstry!!! Gorge Burns and Edy Kantor thay was bowth “in the” Forrin Lesion and thay got To be Moovie Stars!!!!!! And yiu doughnt has to Do “ennything” reel harrd be-cawse Frants loses awl Its Wars ennyhaow!!! Mostly thay has grate Partys and go swiming On “the” Rivera!!!!

And I thinck “the”cool Hat whil fitt “oaver” my moth antenners!!!

Climbit Change Causes Monsters! REPRINT

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From February 23, 2020

This was going to be an emergency bulletin from Joe Collidge, but he is currently prostrated with fear and unable to write coherently. Also some gym socks he ate for breakfast have disagreed with him.

It seems there’s a growing rumor of giant crabs depopulating islands and dragging whole coastal villages into the deep, all because of Climate Change and Greta Thunberg. Back in 1957, this was cleverly disguised as a science fiction movie. But in 2020, it’s a grim reality.

Or so we’re told. By college professors. So you know it’s got to be true.

Only world government, open borders, and real high taxes can stop the giant crabs.

Honest!

Trumpt’s name Reely Is Hat Speech! REPRINT

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From March 3, 2017

I has sumthing elsse To “tell” yiu abote today But first i has been aksed to waygh in “on” weather Donold Trumpt’s his Name it “is” hat speech!

Wel of corset is!! Hear at my Collidge nobody istnt aloud To “say” his name And iff yiu do yiu got To “get” Sensertivitty Training! Yiu onely aloud to Say “Pressadint Obamma or” Pressadint Hillery becose them Rushans Thay hacked The elecktoin and made Donold trumpt Pressadint and “it” wassnt fare!!! and iff yiu Dont say “Pressadint Obamma” that meens yiu Are A Racist and iff yiu Dont say Pressadint Hillery that meens yiu hat Wimmins and yiu Are “a” Secksist! i am Gladd yiu aksed me “to” explane This!

This mourning in Gender Studies 202 we lernt abote This hear Grate Book and it was aslo A Movie it was caled “The” Harrad Exspearmint and It “was” abote Harrad Collidge whare They done this Exspearmint al abote teeching Stodents to do sexule things That “Sociaty” disprooves of so that Thay wil “laern” to dispise the tredicional Consept “of” Moonagimmy by Having Lots of Pre-Martyral Sex!! Wow was that Grate!! and The prefesser he sayed this hear book And “then” the Movie it reely got the Sexule Reverlution offf The growned!!

And somboddy he Aksed The prefesser How “come” we dont Doo that hear at Our Collidge and he sayed “Wee has moved” on From that and now Wee got to get al the stodents to do Gender Fluaditty and aslo Gay Marridge! becose that was whatt Naterly comes neckst! And he aslo sayed that if we does enuhgh Secks that Donold Trumpt he wil Be drived out Of offfice! and Pressadint Obamma he will be Pressadint agian even thogh he Still is and he Wil fixx evrything and then He Wil go play Golph and it Wil “be” Hillerys tern to be Pressidint!!  How abote that!!!

I hoope yiu ordrinary dum peple apareciates The haigh-class Thinking “us” Interllecturals we are Doing for Yiu hear “at” collidge!

Honest, I Was Kidding REPRINT

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From December 15, 2019

Joe Collidge at rest

I’m a little daunted by the inexplicable success of Friday’s “Joe Collidge” post, “Trumpt he Is Finnished.” It had only seven views the day it came out: “Laid an egg with that one,” I thought. But Saturday it had 27–unheard-of! And this morning, ten more.

Just for the record, President Trump is not “Finnished” by any means, although we can surely hope the freakin’ Democrats are. Here in New Jersey, one of our Democrat Congressman is so disgusted with the dum-dum on Capitol Hill, he has announced his intention to turn Republican.

One of the perils of writing satire is that someone might take it seriously. I try to stay outside the bounds of credibility when I write satire, but the boundaries of real-world silliness are expanding all the time. What’s satire today may well be news tomorrow.

The “Joe Collidge” pieces are written with satirical intent, as a commentary on the blustering, blithering twaddle that calls itself “higher education.” If Joe ever says anything that turns out to be true, it’s pure accident. He certainly wouldn’t do it on purpose.

So don’t be afraid of anything he says. But be afraid of an “education” system that cranks out liberals. Be very afraid of that.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology REPRINT

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From July 10, 2020

I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!

Joe Collidge Is… Pregnant? REPRINT

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From  August 18, 2023

 

(And you thought it was a beer belly!)

O waht grate news!! Wahoo!!! The AM.A thay has figgred Out “haow to” get Trans Wimmins who Used “to” Be Men, haow to Get us Pregganint!!!!!!!!!!

It whil ownly Cost 300$Thowzind each,, “and” thay whil Trans Plannt a Yuteriss into yore gutz and Thare yiu go,,, yiu Can “be” Pregganint jist lyke a regglur wimmin ((OOps! i dint meen it!! Thare “Is” NO SUTCH THING as a Regglur Wimmin, we “Are” awl wahttevver )we Identrify As!!!!!

Iff yiu “get one(1)” Of themb yutarisses Trans Plant, heer it Is “The” Besst Thing abuot It—Yiu duzznt has “to” pay! The Guvvermint thay wil pay!!! Awl the munny it whil com fromb Tackses, witch “is” the “saim” as getting It For Free!!!!! How grate Is that?!?!?

Re-memmber, Sciyints It “is” awlyaws Rite and thare is lotza Sciyintists in the AM,A and sumb Of themb thay been to Meddackle Skool!!!!!

[Editor’s Note: You could look it up.]

We Has ‘Got’ To Ban Coughffee!!! REPRINT

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From January 20, 2023

Coffee Cup Convection | A Moment of Science - Indiana Public Media

Oh, “man”!”! We has jist fowned Out “that” coughffee “it” cawzes Climbit Chainge!!!! So we cauled a Merjintsy Meting “of The” Stoodint Soviet to de-mannd thay Ban Coughffee heer “At” collidge!!!!

We whur goingto voat “To” Ban Evvrything!!! but desiddid Not To Doo That becoze thenn Pot it wood “get bannned” and wee has Nutthing Left “to” Live Foar!!!!!! Suure glad we duckked That Bullit!!! So insted we jist bannned Coughffee!!

I knowed coughffee it Is Racist,, but i diddn Know “it is aslo” maiking the Climbit Chainge!! So fromb nhow On, ownly Spacial Heumin Beans lyke Johhn Kery shood be aloud “to”” Drinck It!!!!! We diddn Know That till this heer gye At Daavos he sayed so!!!!!! He aslo sayed We shood Eat Bugs and i tryed “It” oncet butt it hadd awl themb Legs kickkin and scrachin At Oncet and it got reely icky wen i chooed It!!!!!! Mayby a centerpeed it “whas” the rong kyned Of Bug!!!!

We voated yumannamus to Ban Coughffee and enny boddy whoo trys “to Drinck It” nhow,, thay whil Be Sari!!!!!