Our Stoodint Soviet we has figgured Out “haow” To has Toettle Socile Jutstus!!!!
Why “is” thare no Reel E-Quallaty??? Simpol!! Its becawze of Diffrintses!!!! Diffrint naimes, diffrint Faices–butt Get Rid “of” awl theeze,, and Waht has yiu Got???
So we voated To Get Rid “of” all Diffrintses!!!!
Fromb nhow On evry boddy thay “whil” has The Saime Naime and awl taik “the Saime” corses and awl Get “the” Saime Graides and the Saime Dipplomers!!!!! Every boddy’s Naime will be jist “Yiu”!”! Thare Faices whil awl Be “the” Saime becose We whil ware Sheets!!! (Jist lyke Goests!!!) and we whil awl Eet “the Saime” thing at Evry Meel!!!!!! The U.N. sez we shood awl Eet Bugs!!!! and aslo spatial Veggan Meels!!! And yiu whil has To “ware” the Sheet Awl The Tyme eevin if yiu “are” takin a Shaowwer or Going Swiming!!!! no one willl Evver Sea anny boddy Elsa’s Faice “nevver” Agin!!!!!!
This it whil aslo Keep “us” fromb evver geting Jermbs fromb anny boddy Elst!!!!!
Somb “of” “the” Prefessers thay doughnt Wanht to ware “The” Sheets,, so we burnt up thare Cars!!!!!
Fromb nhow On evvry boddy who duz Anny Thing Diffrint thay wil Be Expelt fromb Collidge!!!!!
And aslo fromb nhow On thare whil Be “No Tawking” untill we Figgure Out “haow” to maik Evvry Boddy say The Saime Thing!!!!!!!
It Snode heer on Kampis lasst Ni”gh”t!!! And woodent “yiu” Know it???! Inntwo the Stoodint Lownj busts a Kampis Patrole sh”ou”tin and Screemin “”I seen himb, I seen himb, he’s fleying “Aruound” up thare, fleying on his Broomb.””
We hased to pracktickly drownd himb to clam himb Down!!!! And we kep axking himb “Whoo didded yiu See up thare, whoo Was it???”” And he fineley telled us–
“Hary Potler, that’s whoo It was!!!!! Hary Potler and his broomb!!”
Well that was Harred “to” beleave!!! “Are yiu Shure it warent somb boddy Elsse on a broomb??” but he sayed “”I” know Hary Potler wen I sea himb, i’se seed Awl The Moovies; and if yiu doughnt Beleave Me, goh Out-Syde and see himb for yore selfs!!!!!”
So we awl runned Out-Syde and thare he “was,,” fleying ruound and ruoung the whether vain. “Hary waht yiu Dooing up thare”?”? “I wahnt to Goto Collidege!!!” he bibbled “Ownly thay woont let me becase Jakay Rowling she is Aunti-Trans!!”
Lucky we hadded somb one fromb The Stoodint Soviet rihght “thare!”! “Yiu can goto Collidge rihght hear and nhaow,,” shee sayed, “awl yiu Has “to” Do is chainge Yore naimb!!!!!!” Well that maid himb so hapy, he zooomed strate Up “into” “The” air and done a Power Dyve ownly he “mustof” over-did It becauwse he went Splat!! rihght into The Frog Pond (watt a mess!)!) But he Sure taut Jakay Rowling a lessen!!!!!!!!!!
Trotsky Hall, after we made some miss-steaks “whith” the In-door Fire-Whorks. It woont hapen aggen!
Woo, hoo, to-moroh It “is” Noo Yeerd’s Eave!!! It is goingto “be” the Yeerd 2020!!!!
Sumbtimes It “is” so coaled on Noo Yeerd’s,, it “Is” jist too coaled to Stand Out-Side so that is wye we has Indor Fire-Works. We did bern down Trotsky Hall too yeards agoa, but that was Toe-Tal an axxddint!!!!! We has lernt Not “To” ame the skyrockits At “the” ceeling and aslo themb rockits “That” bownced Off “the” whindoes!!!! I liked aming The Rockits at the sealing, Yiu coodnit Miss!!!
Sumb Hayter he sayed Yiu “Are Stopid, Joe!!! Doughnt yiu know it’s 2022? “Yiu” Are going “backwords”!!”He is jist a Biggit and “the” Divercity Skwadd they beet himb up!!
And jist to maik shure No One Elss saz Hatful things, we hased a mergency meating of the Stoodint Soviet and we voated to make the New Yeard 2020!!!! Awl themb numbers thay “are” ownly Soassiule Construcks anyhow!!”!
And Enny Boddy who gose A Roaund saying its 2022, thay “are” goingto has a Sirius Promble!!!!!!!!
We has Out-lawred “that holladay” heer At Collidge and re-plaiced “it” whith a Inkloosift Hollday witch “we” caul Whinter Festivvle!!!!!! And this hear It “is” “the” Prezzint thatt i whant Obamma Klaws to bring me!!! Grate Garlloo!!!!!!
This heer is a Toy maid by Karl Marx!!!!!! Hoaow grate “is” that???
Layter that Day “we” whil “Awll” sea The Hand-Made’s Tail it “is” awol abuote haow Meen charischins Are!!!!! Thay fourst wimmin To “has” baybes!!!!!!!!!! You caint Get a Bortion enny moar!!!!! that is watt hapens wen yiu has Donold Trumpt beeing pressadint!!!
Yiu can uze Grate Garrlloo to nock daown Churtches!! He whil “Be” yore Slaive!!!!!
[And I, the Editor, had better get to work today! Let Joe wander off to distant regions of the campus. Maybe he’ll learn something.]
I jist heered the Gratest news i Ever herd “in” My lyfe!!!
Hillery she “Is” Goingto Be Pressadint!!!!!!!!!!
Jist a fiuw daze Aggo she gived her Innaugarasion Speach!! It terns owt she is Goingto mary Jobydin and “then” he will goe On vaycaysion to Chyner ware his son whorks and Hillery she “Wil” Taik Over! and be Pressadint!!!!
And aslo all Repubbicans thay wil has To “go to” Jale!!!
I know It “is” troo becose sumb boddy thay red “it” “to” me on The Intranett!!!!! and i whas So hapy i didn Know waht “to Do” whith My Self so i fowned a Nice Pare of Jim Sox and ated themb!!!!!! It terned owt that “was” somb gye’s sox he was jist abuot To “put” themb on so he Was “kyned of” Madd “at” me and do yiu Know waht he didded??? HE PINTCHED OFF ONE OF MY MOTH ANTENNERS!!!!!! Butt it whil gro back!!! it hurted a Lott “but” i was tooo hapy to cair!!!!
We herd “the” Congreasial Progestive Carcas thay “are” Tryying To maik a 4-D’ay Work Weak insted “Of” 5 and this heer It “Is” “A” Stepp In The Rihght Durecsion!!!! So we caled a Merjintsy Meting of our Stoodint Soviet to send themb A Leter!!!!!
We wroted “Deer Progrestive Corcus we “are” Thralled by the Hole Idear of geting Ridd of Work becuaose lets Faise it,, Work It Blows!!!! Wye shood enny boddy has to Work?? Axept Crischins who are no-good Haters!!! “We” whant yiu To Go Ahed and get ridd “Of” awll 5 dayze!!!””!” That weay Evry Boddy “thay” can awl be In Collidge lyke us (axept Crischins, thay are Racists!)! If yiu maik Free Tooission then evry boddy thay “can” Go and fromb nhaow on “do” nothing Butt Studdy!!!!!” And aslo play Lots of Grate Viddio games!!!!!!! A”nd Cumpyouters and aslo Racists thay can D”o” Alll the work!!!”” In facked,, Evry Boddy thay “Can” staye In Collidge foar thare Hole Lifes!!!!! How grate is that?????
Jist think!! No maor Work, evver!!! The Hole Countree it can jist be “one” gient Collidge!!!!!!! Evry Thing it whil “bea” pade foar By “The” Guvvermint!!!!!!!!!! No Boddy wil eeven has “To” get Owt of Bedd in “the” moaning!!! Axep themb crischins!!
We whant yiu to Know “that” alll us Intrallecturals we “Are” whidth yiu All The Whay on this!@!!!!!!!!!
Oman, watt a lexture we hadded In Nothing Studies “this” moaning!!!! This tyme we Reely lernt “somb-Thing!”!”
Our prefesser she teeched us That A Mairaca it cant “Be” trooly Inkloosieve unlest “we” stop hasing Naimes!!!!! Becuase Naimes thay “Are” nott Inkloosieve at all in facked thay are Ex-Kloosieve!!!! and the ownlie Thing to doo “abuote” It is foar Evry Boddy to get ridd “of” thare Naimes!!!!!! and fromb naow On No Boddy whill has Naimes it whill awl “be” jist “Hay Yiu” oar somb-Thing lyke “that!!””
This heer it is Somb-thing foar “The” Guvvermin to gett “to whork” On rite aweaigh!!! So we sended a leter To the Pressadint Jobydin!!! Deer Pressadint yore Hynist Jobydin,, “we wood lyke “yiu” to maik A Man Date to get ridd of Evry Boddy’s name (Axcept yores and Hillery’s of coarse!!!!) so that A Mairica it whillbe trooly “Inkloosieve”!”!”! And we awl sined it!!!!
Axcept then we reelized “that” we jist putt awl Our “Naimes” on a patishin to a-bollix awl Naimes!!!! So we hadded “to” cross owt Alll themb Naimes and just put Xes thare insted!!!!!
Now we “are” wating for himb “to doo” a Man Date,, i hoap “He” is nott tooo bizzy!!!!
Thancks-Giving it shood “Not” be aloud no moar!!!!!
Heer “at” the Stoodint Soviet we has cumpozed a Ee-male and sended It to awl “the” famblies arowned The Collidge to oardur themb “to” Dee-Collinize thare stopid Thancks-Giving dinnor!!! Becose Thancks-Giving it “is” No-Good stinkin holladay that’s awl abuote Shooting Peeple Of Culler!!!!!
Wen the Pillgrimbs thay kame heer fromb Itally or sombplaice thay shooted awl the Indains who come heer Fromb Indier!!!!!! Then thay starrtid Capatolizm!!!! and aslo brung in Religgin!!!! Thay rooned evry-Thing!!!!!!!!!!
So we sayed In our Ee-male “”Haow dair yiu cellarbrate this Badness!?!? Yiu are jist No-Good durty Capatolist Collownolists!!””! We “are” Glaad we done it becose we fouwned Out that awl the skools in Warshingtin DeC thay done “it” too! And thay has got a Equitty Teemb to teech famblies how To Be Mizrable on Thancks-Giving insted “of” hapy!!!!! We shood has “one Of” thoase too!!!
And we thanck Jobydin the Pressadint for maiking this stopid holladay Cost “so” mutch!!! We woont be hapy “un-till” al themb famblies Thay “are” Un-Hapy!!!!!
I jist soddenly fownded ouat “That” tamorro it “Is” Thancks-Giving!! it is a Very Bad Day infented “by” Wyte Struprembacysts!!!!!!!!!! and it shood not be aloud!!
So we hadded a Merjintsy Meting of “the” Stoodent Soviet to Ban Thancks-Giving heer at Collidge!!!! and the voat was 17-1 but we kicked that one Voat owt of the Soviet and then we Beet himb Up!!!!!!
Enny boddy whoo Gets cawt eeting Terky tamorro thay wil get a F! and has to go “To” Censortivity Traning!!!!! and iff thay are Wyte then thay has to go Twicet “and” thay cant be Wyte enny moar!!! Our gole is a 110 Persent% Non-Wyte Kampiss!!!!!!
Insted of Thancks-Giving tamorrow we “are” goingto Cellarbrate a noo hollerday it is cawled “T”hancks Foar Nothing!”!” Day!! and evry boddy heer thay has to Cellarbrate “oar Elss!””” Yiu cant has Dyvercity unlest evry boddy thay al do and Thinck and Say “the” saim Thing “At” tHe Saim Tymbe!!!!
p.s..–I jist heered “that” Jobydin he is comming heer tamorrow to maik a Speach abuot Hapy Eester!!!! He is The Smartist “Man” In The Whorld!!!!!!!!
We fowneded Out “that” Harvord U. thay hased a spatial Play that “ownly” yiu werr aloud “To” see Iff yiu Idennafyed as Black whith “a” capatol B!!!! It is a Excloosiff Safe Spaice For not beeing wyte!!!!!
Well we “can” “do” that Tooo!!!!!!!! The Play thay shode “At” Harvord it is cauled McBeth it is abuot a sails man who dyes!!!!! I forgett whoo wroted it! Soopy Sails I “thinck”!! This sails man he dyes from Sistembick Racism!!!!! and his Livver it fawls on the Flooor!!
Yiu can ownly “sea” this heer Play iff yiu Idennafye as Black!!!! And we maid “It” better then Harvord,, peeple who Idennafye as Wyte thay has to pay “yore” “whaiy” “In”!”!
Then Somb boddy thay sayed C”an’t Enny Boddy jist SAY thay” Idennafye “as Black and gett owt of “paying” foar The tickit?”?”? Can”t” Somb boddy whoo Is wyte jist SAY thay “are” Black?”?” Affter we beet himb up we Hadded to thinck “abote” that Foar a wile!!!!!
We hadded a Brillyint Idear!!!!! that is becose Collidge it “maiks” yiu Smart!! We desided thare wood “be” a Seacrit Pass Wurd and no One Butt “Blax” wood be allowed to know “whatt” it Was!!!! It took howers to thinck “Of” one but we finely desided the Pass Wuird it wood be Jimby Crack Corn and ownly Blacks wood Know “it”.!