‘The’ Tyme It Has Cumb Foar Freee Tooisshin!!!!!!

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Collidge it costs A Lott “of” Munny and that “is” Nott Fare!!!! Collidge Tooisshin it shood “be” Freee! becose evvry One thay has got “togo” to Collidge! It is a nassescity!!!!!!

So our Stoodint Soviet we hadded “a” meating tooday and voated foar Freee Tooisshin!!!!! Fromb nhow On yiu doughnt has to Pay “to” has a collidge eddicasion!!

Of coarse our Prefesters and evry boddy elst thay “has got To” be payed!!! so thay can Re-tire wen thare 40 (fourty) and has “Nice Pentions”!!” So we aslo voated that the collidge Albumin thay has to Pay!!! And then somb Hater Biggit she sayed “Butt thats not fare,, thay” “all-reddy payed wile thay was heer!!””!! So we beet her Up and putted her in Sensertivvaty Traning!!!

And becides witch, “The” Guvvermint thay can Pay!!!!!!! Like, awl thay has to Do “is” prindt Moar Munny and givv it “to” the Collidges!!! And aslo “thay” can has a spatial Tacks on Wite Peeple tooo!!!

And aslo we voated evvry boddy thay has “to” urn a Sirtiffikit of Divercity in odor to gradurate “and” Natcherly alll “of us” in the Soviet we ottomattockly gets ours up frundt!!!! I meen, lyke, if We “arnot” Divers, whoo is???

Themb Dam Catts!!!!!

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The catts thay Tryed “to” pull my Pance down tooo!!!!

I hadded a horrabull Time “this” moaning, a hole buntch “of” Catts thay chaised me “al Over the” kampas;, i think It “was” becose of my Moth Antenners thay thawt I was “a” bigg Moth and whanted “to” eet me!!!! Sombtimes it “is” Nott So Goood to be shot up full “of” Moth Hoarmoans,, it was saposed to Trans-foam me into a Wimmin but awl it done “was” maik me groh Moth Antenners!!!

I gotted awhay fromb “the” Catts jist In Tyme to heer too-day”s Lexture in Nothing Studdies it was awl abuot Math and how Math it is Racist!!!! Like frinstints yiu “Are” saposed to say 2+2 it maikes 4 ownly That Is Racist!!!! BECOSE 2 AND 2 IT DOUGHNT MAIK 4 FOR PEEPLE OF CULLER!!!!!!!!!! For themb “it” maiks 3!!!!!!

Math it is Racist becose themb ryte ansers thay “Are Not” ryte afftar awl,,, that are “Ownly” Yuro Sentrick!!!

And then somb Biggit Hater she sayed “Whell then waht abuot themb Hindoo-Arrabick nombers witch We “use” tooo?? Doughnt that meen Math it is “the” saimb for themb as it Is foar Us???”” So we beet her Up and the prefesster she sayed Wyte Peeple THAY STOLE THEMB HINDOO-ARRABICK NOMBERS fromb the Hindoo-Arrabick Peeple in Porchagul or somb-plaice,, IT IS ‘CULCHURUL Appropation!!!!!!!!!!!!”!” And whe shood Give themb Nombers backk to thare ryteful Oners!!!

“The Bottumb Line she sayed is that 2+2 it” is a Culchural Con-Struck and it doughnt meen “nothing at awl” and 2+2 maikes Whattevver yore Culchure seys it maikes!!!! “Iff I wuz yore Math Prefester and yiu gived me One “of” thoze Ryte Ansers I wood mark it Rong and Fale yiu and yiu wood wyned Up “in” Anty-Racist Trayning””!!!””

We Has Got to Bann White Foood!!!

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Yknow whats So Grate abuot Collidge?? Yiu “lern” stuph yiu nevvir wood of Lernt enny ware Elss!!!!!

This moaning we hadded a meting “Of” our Stoodint Soviet and a Prefesser she toled us “Eeting White food, it “is” Part of Acting White” and thats Wye we has got to Bollish it!!!!! We nevvor thinked Of “that” befour!!!

Now we know we has got “to” ban Awl White Foood!! Becose wen yiu eet it yiu Are Acting White!!!!!! Frentch foood, Ittalyin foood, and Chineeze foood “thay” “are” “awl” Whyte Foood and thay maik peeple Act White and fromb nhow On no-boddy thay Cant Be Aloud to eet it enny moar!!!!!!!! No more Wite Food in our Caffatyrier!!!! Ownly Peeple Of Culler POC Food wil Be aloud!!!!!!

(It dont effrect me becuase i moastly eet Jim Sox and hankerchifts!! that “is becose” of Moth Hoarmoans!!)

The prefesser she axplaned that Frentch Foood and Chineeze Food and aslo Ittalyin Food it “”reanfoursses Witeniss as “a” doormint rachel Idintitty!!!! That is anether Thing “we” lernt too-day!!! We “are” awl Getting Smarter evry Dhay!!!!!!

Then somb Hater Biggit he asked “then waht “are” we gunna Eet,, waht are we gunna Has in the caffatyrier??” so we beet himb up Foar Triggring us!!!!

Well we Can awlyaws Surve Bugs,, cant we, jist lyke the U-N says we shood!!! If yiu are eeting Bugs like Crickits and Wurmbs and Flys then thare is No whay “yiu Are” Acting Wite!!!!! and I think Prefesser Renfield he sayed that Furst!!!

We Has ‘A’ Heet Waive!!!!

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“It” is reel Hot heer at Collidge and it aint Fare “and” aslo it “Is” Darnold Trumpt’s fawlt!!!

Dam!! It shoodnt nevvar be so Hot at Collidge becose awl “Of” us we “are” awl Woak!!!! and “that” meens the Plannit it shood give us A Brake!!!!!! It “was” so hott yeasterday,, my Moth Antenners thay got al Drooopy we was goingto has A Riot but knobody thay showed Up “becose” it was like a zillyin deegrees out!!!!!!!

But I heered it on NPR or somb-plaice that Ritch Wite Foaks “thay” are stearing the Heet awhay fromb thare Own plaices to maik “it go” after The Poor and aslo Mynorites and wimmbin!!! Trumpt he is a milyin-air “and” he nose Haow “to” maik the Bad Wether go ware he wants!!!!!!! WHY IZZNT HE IN JALE???? it cannole Be becuouse Biggits and Racists “thay Are” cuvvring Up foar himb!!!!

It jist natcherly Cant be so Hott heer!!!!! Somb of us we hadded to Sit in “the” Fisch Pond,, we was so Hot, but we coodnt Staiy thare “becawse” somb boddy thay fowned Out that somb of the fisch “that was” saposed To Be Goaled Fisch that wer Parhanas insted! so we hadded to Get Out “of” thare befoar we got Eated!!!!!!!!!!

And the wurst Thing abote it Is, The Plannit it is maikin A Big Miss-steak!!! We “are” All Woak!!!!! so whe shoodnit get no Heet!!!

Waytll Pressadint Bydin he fineds Out!!!!!

Hat Speach Abuot ‘The’ Mummmy!!!

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We seen “a” moovie The othir Nite it reely Skaired us!!!! It was A Docktomenterry awl abuot This “heer” Mummmy it was goin aruound Strangalling peeple!!!!! i forgett ware this “hapened”.”

Our prefesser she axplaned that We was al Wrawng,, “it” was The Mummmy witch was the Heero and that hole moovie it “was jist” Hat Speach aginst Mummmys!!! Racist hat speach!!!! Then we awl seen “the Lite” and o-boy we werr Mad!!!!!!! Like, themb racist Wite Souprembercysts thay “are” Going afftar yiu eevin Iff yiu “are ownly” jist a Mummmy!!!!! That is wye The Mummmy he stringled al themb peeple,, becose Racist Micro-Grecians “thay” Triggered himb!!!!!!

This heer it “is” waht hapens wen yiu alouw Racist Biggits to “say” And “do” things!!!! Heer at Collidge we are Trying to Not let themb “say” “or” “do” any things At Alll!!!

So al themb no-good peeple “That” The Mummmy he strunglled thay al De-zervd it becose “thay” werr ownly no-good Wite peeple!!! YOU WHIL KNOTICE that nun “of” themb was Peeple Of Culler!!!!!!! That prooves The Mummmy he whas NOT a Racist!! In facked “he” was Al Abote Socile Jutstus!!!!!!!!!!

So we hadded a Eamerjintzy meating “Of” our Stoodint Soviet to de-clair the Hole Campis a “Saife Zoane” for Mummmys!!!!! but none has shone Upp yet!!

We Kneed Harder Dyvercity Traning!!!!

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Wood yiu beleave it??? We stil has peeple heer “at” Collidge thay “Thinck” Bad Thawts!!!! Thay doughnt think Rite Things “at awl” and In Facked thay think Wroong Things!!! And thay say “Wroohng Things tooo!!”! Haow “are” yiu sapoased To Has trooue Dyvercity wen peeple thay doughnt think “the” Rite Whay???

So heer “at the” Stoodint Soviet we has voated “to” maik Dyvercity Traning way harrder!!! And unlest yiu Say evry Thing yiu are sposed “to” say,, and nevvir Say “wroangh things” well too Bad foar yiu,, yiu cant Get “no” Daploamer!!!!! Yiu whil Nevvir Gradurayte!!!!!!!!!!

And wee whil Keeep “yiu heer” until Yore Mined Is Rite!!!!!!

Thare aslo whil be Punnitchmints foar “thinking” bad thawts!!! O’fenders thay whil be put in-syde a Swett Bocks on reel Hot daze and wen it “is” Coled thay whil has to sleap Out-syde whith-Out “a” Blankit!!!!!

And it is awl jist “like” Chare-Man Maow he onct sayed,, “we” are “doingthis” to Bad Peeple to Maik themb Gooud!!!!!!!!!!

And doughnt evvin think “Of” Traying “to” Excape!!!!! We whil has whach Tawers and meen Dawgs to Stopp yiu!!!

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Soddenly Our Collidge thay has desided “it” gots tobe moar Riggerice (wattevver That meens!!) and we shood “alll” has “to” rite Termb Paypers!!! Even in Nothing Studdies!!! It is crool,, butt thay say somb Haters in the Stayte Lejaslaychur thay are “goingto” taik A-whay A Lott “Of” our funnding unlest thare “is” moar Eddicaytshun hapening!!!!! That it is wye we has to rite Termb Paypers!!!! To proove the Collidge is knot jist waysting Munny!!!!!!

Wel i nevver rote no Term Payper the hole tyme i Been “in” collidge!! The prefesster she sayed “Jist reite yore Idear”^^ that aynt No helpp!! Idear? I hasnt hadded no Idear sints, like, Evver!!!!!!!!!!

Forchinittly my frend Fottzy, he hadded A Grate Idear and he sayed “Wye doughnt yiu jist rite watt i rite?? Weere all “goingto” rite “The saimb” Thing!!!”! That shoor taiked a lode Offf my “Mined”!” Aslo it is a whay “to” cellerbrayt Dyvercity!!!!

So our Toppick it is “Jo Bydin He Is “The” Re-Carnation of Pressadint Obomma and Pressadint Obomma He “Is” Naow A god!!!!!!!!!!” It is a grate toppick and we whill Awl “get” a A+++!!!

Somb Hater he sayed Jobydin he “is” Oalder thann Pressadint Obomma so he caint possablee be himb and anywhay Pressadint Obomma he “is” still Hear so he caint Be Re-in-carnaytid At All!!!!””!  So we al beet himb Up!!!!

Boy it “Is” Harrd to rite a Termb Payper, thay “are” maikin us rite A Hundrid 100 Werds and itt is Taikin me al Dhay!!!!!!!!

Haow ‘To” Fined A Seecrit Racist!!!

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Boy has we got hi teck naow!!!!! If yiu “are” “a” Racist, we are goingto Get yiu!!!

This heer it “is” a Hi-Teck Racist Deteckter!! Yiu spin “the” aroew and wen “it” Stopps Spining it whil “Be” poynting At A Racist!!!!!!!!! It is trooly The Laitist fromb our Collidge Syince Depotmint!!!!

I amb nott shur waht themb Numb’ers “are”,, i “Think” thay telll yiu Haow Big a Racist somb one Is!!

Racists thay Cannot “hyde” no moar,; we whil awlyaws Fyined themb!!! Awl yiu Racists oaut thare yiu “mite” “as whell” torn yorselfs in And take “yore” Punitshmint!!!!!!! The Hi-Teck Racist Deteckter it whil fyned yiu!!

This it jist “gose” to “sho” yiu haow Grate Siyince “is!”!” We has tryed this “heer” Deevyce umpteen Tymes “all-reddy” and it have Nevver “wunts” fayled to fynde the Racist in “the” Roomb!!!!!!!!!! and if yiu doughnt Know “yiu” “are” A Racist,, this Is haow yiu whil Fynde Oaut!!! Thare “are” a Lott of yiu whoo dosnt Know yiu “are” Racists AND That “IS” NO AXCUSSE!!!!!!

And somb Hater he sayed Waht “whil yiu Idjjits do wen the spinnner It saze “yiu Are All Racists”??” So wee beet himb up.

Eet Bugs ‘To’ Saive The Planit!!!

PacSci Podcast: Eating Bugs! Yum!

We hased “a” spacial Lexture tooday fromb somb laydy fromb The U-N. whoo toled us “we shood” awt to Eet Bugs to Saive The Plannit!!!!! I was a Litle Nurvus “at” frist becose i amb “the ownly” One Heer whoo has Moth Antenners groing “out” Of my hedd and i was Affrayed somb boddy thay mite try To “taik” a byte Out Of me!!!!! Butt she brung pulenty of Meelwerms and Crikkits and grubbs and Beatles so thare was lotts And “lotts” of Reel buggs for Evry boddy!!!

I whas Un-lukky tho;; I tryed to eet this heer Big Black Beatle and it turnned Out “tobe” A Pintch Bug!! He got me “in” the Lip and boy didd that Hurt!!!!! and layter i hased somb Meelwerms but thay taystid jist Awffle!!! i nevver wood of eeted themb iff It diddnt Saive The Plannit!! (I wunder iff yiu “are” saposed to coock themb furst!)

So i wented Out-Side to warsh my mowth Out in the goaldfish pond and thare i seen that U-N. laydy tawking “on” her sellphoan and lauffin-and-laffin like krazy and i “heered” her too and she was saying Man “yiu shood of seen em eeting Awl “thoase” buggs, what “a” buntch of idjits ha-ha-Ha!!”!”  I wunder watt she ment bye That!!!

Whel no boddy thay evver sayed “it” Whas Eazy To Saive The Plannit and beleave you me this whasnt Eazy!!! Yuk! i can still taiste themb lowzy Meelwerms and i keeep “Thinking” i can feeel themb cralling Arownd In-Side my stummick!!!!

‘The Calecktid Wizdumb of Joe Collidge’

Home Cleaning Tips for Cleaning Crayon Off Walls

(When I was in first grade–or was it kindergarten?–I got in huge trouble for drawing with crayons on the tiled wall of the vestibule, where the teacher had confined me for some minuscule transgression. I drew a picture of a bank robber carrying a bag of money out of a bank. I thought it was rather good, but the teacher called the janitor to wipe it off.)

Great News! Fumble House Pulbishers plan to publish The Calecktid Wizdumb of Joe College, if they can find someone to transcribe it after Joe scrawled it in crayon on the wall of the Trotsky Dorm’s second-floor shower room. But let’s let Joe speak for himself.

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Hi its me Joe Collidge and i “amb” a Awther!!!! i has writed a Book “to Hellp” awl yiu dum and stoopid ordrinery peeple be Smart-er,, “allmost” as Smart as yiu wood “be” iff yiu wented To Collidge!!!

Wen yiu “are dun” reeding This yiu wil Under-stand that Souper Heeroes thay “are” reel and Trans-ginder it is The Fewtcher and Captiallism it is Bad and Yiu Are Awl no-good stinkin Racists!!!!!! And yiu whil “notbe” Abul To Sleeep “with” “out” a pixture of HILLARY tayped to yore Bedd!!!!!!!!! And other good stuph tooo!

Somb Hater Biggit thay “asskt” me haow cumb i “writed” “it” on the Bath Rhoomb wawl whith “Crayyons” in sted “of” Payper butt “he” jist runned A-whay wen I stratted Skreeming Racist at himb and ye,lling “foar” the Campas Dyvercity Squawd!!!! Thay cumb and give me Play-Doh “to” clam me daown!!!!!

I amb sapozed “to” Get somb Big Munny foar “this” hear Boock butt frist I has to pay themb A Thowzind Dolors butt thats OK thay tolled me “awl” awthers and wrighters thay awlyaws has To “do” That!!!!!!