Whith theeze heer Brane Chips “yiu” whil Live Fourevver!!!
Wow! This gye naimed Mussk “in” jist Six (^!) Munths he whil has Brane Chips that yiu “can” putt “In” yore Hedd and live like Fourevver!!!! Haow grate is That?!?!!
That whil be cawlled Noora-Link or sombthing and wen yiu “get” themb In-Planted “in” yore Hedd it whil Cure awl yore “dizzeezes” and Not Ownly That,, it whil maik yiu Reel Smart tooo!!!!!!! Butt he kneeds six moar Munths to maik it so it doughnt Blow Up and bern yore Brane!!! He tryde It “on” Munkys and sombtymes thare Hedds thay fawl off or the Brane it jist “terns” Into Watter and “runs” Owut yore Eers!!!!!
Well he whil Get It Riyhght sooon and “then The” Chips thay whil maik yiu Immoral and awl yiu got “to Do” is keeep On eeting themb and Intro-Face yore Brane whith yore Cumputer and wen “the” Cumputer its No Good ennymoar yiu Jist Replaice It!!!!!! Thatz haow yiu “Live Fourevver” and awl yiu kneed Is regglur Up-Daits!!!
And that whaighy yiu Doughnt kneed no Relijjin becawze yiu Cant dye and yiu “Can Do” enny Thing yiu whant!!!! Jist lyke Johhn Lenin he sayed No Hevvin and No Hell!!!!!! He sayed That “in his” grate sawng Ammajjin!!!!!!! Funny! I thawt Pressadit Obamma he rote that!!!!!!!!
We hased a de-bait At “the” Stoodint Soviet about whoo “is” Smarter, us intrallecturals heer “at” Collidge or awl themb ordrinary dum peeple out thare.! Ouor syde we “wer” Winning wen sumb boddy thay shode Up “whith” sumb Wine fromb The Wine Chapeau!! “Chapeau” is spelt Funny be-cuase it is Frentch for “Shampoo.” Frentch peeple thay doughnt know Haow To Spel!!!!!!
Thay ownly brung One bottel so we cuddnt awl has a Shampoo!!! So we desided “That” whooever winned “the” debait thay wood has the Shampoo!!! We wun eezy becuse Atfer awl,, peple whoo doughnt “go To” Collidge thay doughnt know Enny Thing at awl!!!!!
Butt sea,, this heer “is The” reezin wye themb dum pezzents thay shoold “just” Shut Up and “let” us Intrallecturals do awl The thinking!!!!!!!!! It “is” “the” ownly whay we wil evver has Soschialismb!!!!!! Yoo’d think “they wood Be” Grateful but that are moastly Racists so of coarse they “Are” stopid!!!!
And I amb Not gointo has enny moar Shampoo becose “it” hertz my Moth Antenners!! i bumpt Into threee (#!) treees wen i tryed To “go” Hoam!!!!
Desperately trying to heal a blog which has suddenly lost 50% (!) of its viewership, I turn to a vintage essay by our idiot in residence, Joe Collidge.
We Has got A new Deen!!!
Yes, there’s nothing like Higher Education to make you stupid! Someday we will be looking up to chairs and fire hydrants as our intellectual betters.
Man, I jist heered fromb somb boddy he seen it “on” TV, “thare is” a Cereal Killer on “The” llooose!!!!!!!! He “is” going Araond to collidge kampusses and murdring stoodints and prefesters!!!
Whhat kynde “Of” Cereal is he yusing??? Whatt kynde “of” Cereal doo his Vicktumbs eet?? And we deefunddid the Poleece so The Stoodint Soviet thay whil has to ketch this heer Crimmnal!!!!!!
I aksed “whoose he kilt So Faar”?”? but this heer gye he toled me the TV “it” didnt Say!! He been in Kandziz, Oaklerhoama, Spane, and somb plaice cauled Tartarus–awl of themb “Are” plaices “ware thay” eet Cereal!!!! Thare mussed Be “a” conniption!!! But lyke Shorlock Homes he oncet sayed,, “Oncet yiu “has” extopiated the Impermeeable,, then the implodable it Mussed “be” true!”!”!!”
We are advyzed Not To eet enny Cereal at awl until thay Ketch the Killer!!! He wast lasst sceen hanging aout By “the” Lucky Charms!!!!
[Last week we had a cock-up on the college front and Joe Collidge failed to appear in his usual Friday slot. Amazingly, no one complained.]
Didd yiu heer the tearrable news??? I cant beleave “it!”!” And jist affter “we winned” the Elexion tooo!!!!!!!
Some stopid juj in Tecksis ((oar “was” it Indier? i get them twoo micksed up!!)) he sayed thare Cant “be” “no” Stoodint Lone Fourgiftness!!!!!
Sints wen did anny boddy maik himb Pressadint??? Heer “at” our Collidge, “the” Stoodint Soviet we instintlie sended Off “a” leter to Pressadint Jobiden to tel himb he shood awght “to” throe That Thare Juj in jale!!!! and maby feeed himb To “the” allygaters tooo!!!!!! HOW DAIR HE??? Whoo dose “he” Thinck he “is?”!” Wat kined Of dimmocrasee Is it “wen” sumb juj he woont “let the” Pressadint do stuph???
Of corse we has bin Saying awl “allong” that thare shood awght To Be Freee Collidge foar evvry one butt Cristchins!!!!! and a free bortion too!!! If we hadded Soshalism no-boddy wood has to pay foar “enny-Thing!!”” And Collidge it “is” a Nessessaty Of Lyfe!!!!!! I lernt that In Nothing Studies!!
Whithout All “the” “grate” eddicasion i get In Collidge, I wood Be a Boob!!!!
Soawry I wassnt heer Yeasterday ware “I” amb souposed “to-Be”!”!” It was a Merjintsy!!!
We was hasing A de-bait abuot tying yore Shoos it “maiks” yiu A Racist! and this Biggit Hater he sayed “to” me “Yiu Are “a” toettle Doofus,, yiu cuddnt Fyned yore A-*-* whith Boath hands!!!”! And i sayed “I” “can tooo!” and he sayed “Proove it!”
And that “is” ware I was awl Day, prooving it.
Imadjin “my” horrar wen I turnt Aruound reel fasst and stil cuddnt See My Hynie!!!! Frist i looked “alll oaver The” roomb but it Wassnt Thare and thenn I looked Out-Syde and it wassnt thare neether and I stukk my Hands “in” the Goal-Fish Pond and fellt awl aruound “the” bottum but no luck!!! And aslo the Fish thay bitt me!!
Well I looked awl oaver “The” Kampas and i cuddnt fyned My A*-*- no-ware!!!!! Nhow i was Gettting whurried!! Maby Elecsion De-Nyers thay Took It!!! Oar Fobo-phobes!!! Probbly Wyte Strupremeists!!!!!!
I looked awl Day and awl Nite and i got Tyred and so I whent “to” Sit Daown and sumb boddy thay puled “The” Chare oaut fromb Undder “me” and i falled daown and it Reely “huerted”–And soddenly i Knowed ware “it was!!”” Becawse I yellled Oaut “Oh my A-S-S!””! And thare it Whas!!!! Ware i cudd Rubb “it” whith boath hands!!!! Watt a re-leaf!!!!!!
The management regrets having failed to provide a Joe Collidge post today. The management’s wife has just called attention to this omission.
Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.
Ya-know, Jobydin he mussed “be” a Intrallectural,, he “is” So Smart!!!
Oncet agin “he” shoes us The whey!!! He is sooh Rihght!!! The airlynes thay Are maiking Peple “pay moar” for biger Seets but The Pressadint he seed riht Throough that!!! Yes, he seen waht “thay was” Upto!!
It was Racism!!!!!!!! This heer it “is” Wye hoamliss peeple thay doughnt fly in the aiyr. It “is” becose The Ayr Lynes thay Are Racist!!!!!
And sumb boddy thay sayed Yeahbut, yeahbut, “thay “Are” ownlie Tawlking abuot jist Threee (#3@( moar Intches!!! Its fitin oavur 3 (Threee) Intches!” Waht a Hater! So we beeted himb Up and toartched his Car!!
We has lurnt In Collidge that thare isnt Nothing tooo smawl or Too stopid or tooo insignifferkint for The Guvvermint “to” Do!!!!! I mean, for The Guvvermint to maik The Peple do!!! This heer Is haow we has Progrisst!!!! The Peple got “to” Get uset To obayin The Guvverment.
Neckst in Nothing Studdies: Wye Big Teck and the Guvvermint and the FBI and Evryboddy elset shood awght To smash yiu wenevver “yiu” Say sombthing thats Wraowng!!!
Yiu got To congranulate themb peeple “in” Eurip, thay Are reely Smart!!! Thay figgured Out how to get Socile Chainge!!!! Jist by glooing them selfs To stuff!!!!!
So gess waht, we done It tooo!! A hole buntch of us fromb “The” Stoodint Soviet we glooed our selfs to stuph too,, jist Like “thay” done!!!! And we toled The Arthorites we woodnt Un-gloo our selphs Ownly wen that Focile Fuwl “it” is Abbollisht!!!!
I glooed My “hand” to the “dor” of the John but then I got jellice wen my frend Hopalong he glooded his selph “to the” Toylit!!!! Haow did he evver think “Of” that??? Well, he awlyaws was Smarter than me!! Gnot menny peeple Are!! i got a A in Nothing Studdies lassed wheek jist for putting my Clothes On backwyrds!!! i didnt do It “on” porpose neether but the prefesser she “still gived me” a A!!!!!!
Well I amb sari to Say So butt we got stuck thare Awl Nite Long!!! and Hopalong his hynie it hurt lyke krazy and my Hand it all Puffed Up and we cuddnt get nothing To “eet” and in the moarning “the Kampus Cops” thay had To “come in” and Get us Out of Thare!!!! “That” hert tooo!
And yiu know waht???? Thay stil didnt Get Ridd Of themb Focile Fuwls!!! Yiu cudd of nocked “me” Over “whith” a Fetther!!!! And pooor Hopalong he sayed he cant Sit Daown ennyware!!!!!
But it whil whork neckst Tyme!!!!!