Tag Archives: joe collidge

Thincking Herts Yore Brane!!!

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Heer at Collidge we has Discuppered “that” Thincking “is” jist anether fourm “of” Racism,, and eevin Werse, it herts Yore Brane!!! So us at the Stodent Soviet we has past a roole that fromb Nhow on thare woont be No moar Thincking hear at collidge!!!!

And besydes,, us Interllecturals we dosnt has to Thinck at alll!! So we nevver do it!!! All we has got to Do is wattevver The Centrul Camitty thay says we got to Do!! This hear it “is” Reel Jenuwine Smartness becose “the” Party it is nevver Rong!!!!!

Our Stodent Soviet Party Bosss she toled us “how elss do yiu spose Trans Gender it got Inventid?? If peple was Thincking, it “nevver” woodve got Inventid!!! And that gose for Evvry Thing that “is”  “in” Socile Jutstus!! And” she sayed aslo “al that evver Got dun bye Thincking is jist ownly Opresstion and the Paytree Arky!!”

So we “are” goingto Ograniyze Antie Thincking Squawds to go al round “the” Campas to checke on peeple and Sea iff thay “are” Thincking and iff thay Are,, whel—whatch Out!!!!!! thay whill be sari!!

Reely this heer it Is Not teereny,, it “is” foar thare Own Good!!! Becose Settled Scyance it prooves that it dont taik That Mutch Thincking to putt Hoales in yore Brane!!! And then watt”s Lefted over it whil Fall Out!!! The good nooze is iff it All falls Out then yiu woont be Doing “no” Moar Thincking. Thiss is watt hapened to Addem Shift oncet and “he” been All Rihght evver Sincet!!!


A Horrabull Hait crime!!!

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Our hole Collidge “it” is in a Uprore to-day and whayt till i tel yiu Why,, yiu woont “beleave” It!!!

We has got a Statchoo of Pressadint Obamma on our campas and evry Boddy thay are sappozed to Bow down “to” it and sumtime Lasst Nihght some Biggit Hater thay putt one “of” Those MAGA hats on It!!!!!

Whell that persin thay has got “To” be burnted At “the” steak butt we didnt Know whoo didded it!! So we rote down the naimes “of” alll the Conserfatiffs and chrischins at the collidge and we has got a Girl she “looks” like Gretta Thunberg to ware a Blined Foled and pick “Out” the naime of the gillty Party and yiu can jist Immajin how axeyted we “wer” whenn we finded “out” “The” naime,, It was “Julia Child”!!!!!!

Now we doughnt know Whoo that “is” so to-nihght we “are” all goingto brake in to the Reggie-strar’s orfice and opin “up” The Fyles so we can Fined out whoo this it is and punnish her butt Good!!!

Som iddjit he sayed our Statchoo it is a Idle and a abombination butt he Stoped “saying” “that” wen we beet himb “Up” and maked himb go in to Sensertiffity Traning!!! and then we al bowded Down “to” the Statchoo and preyed!!!!

And that Julia Chiled she better run aweigh and not never Comb Back!!!


I has Seed ‘The’ Fewture!!!

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I amb so “sick” Of al this hear Chrismiss meusick it “Is” Racist!!and yiu jist cant “get” Aweigh fromb it!!!! even hear At collidge!! So i done a Pro Test,, i puntched A snoman!!! and sum boddy he Seen me and assked watts “The” mater so i Toleded him and he sayed “”Wat yiu neeed “is” to vizzit the Fewture,” becose “in” “The” “Fewture thare woont be no Chrismiss and no relijjin ether!” Whell how wil i doo “that”? i assked and he sayed Comb on, “Isle show yiu!!”

He haved this hear grate Big cradbored Bocks whith lotsa diels on it and he sayed “this hear it “is” my Time Masheen it can taik yiu intwo The Fewture and i amb lookin four sumboddy to tesst It!!” Al yiu has to do is get in-side and then he “willl” tern it On and yiu wil comb out In The Fewture!! So i got in-side and he “cloased” it and sayed “”Hear Gose!!!!!”

Affter a wile he oapinned it Agen and sayed “Now comb out,, Yiu are In the Fewture!!”

Whel i caime out and evry Thing it loocked the saime butt he sayed nevver mined that,, “My Masheen it reely works!!! Lookit my whatch! My Masheen it brung yiu fyve 5 minnits intwo The Fewture!!”” Butt that was tuff four me becose i cutt that coarse on how to tel Time on a whatch and the diels on the masheen they warnt no good ether and i sayed “Dint yiu just drawed themb On the bocks whith a Crayon or sumthing?!?” butt he sayed yiu has to draw themb ottherwhys thay whil jist “Fall Off” wile yiu are Travellling “thoruoghh” Time!!! “that is whye nun of themb otther Time Masheens thay nevver combed back!!””

I whanted to know can “this” Masheen taik me yeers and yeers intwo The Fewture whith Yewtopier and no moar Relijin and he sayed Of “corse it Can, yiu jist got to stay Inside “it” fore yeers and yeers” and i assked butt woont I “get” oaled??? Bhut “that” it is “one of” The Riskes of Time Travvle!!!!

I thinck i beter thinck this ohver fore a Wile!!!

 


Its Grate!! “My Bad’ Theollajy!!!

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So I goed to “a” Sirman tooday!! We was goingto showt and Protets and throe stufff at this Guy, some Revrind Somebody,, but he disstracked us “whith” a Puppet and he like maid the Puppit givve the Sirman and neckst thing yiu “Knew,, we was al lissining!!! And yiu know watt? It was grate!!

Things has chainged up thare in Hevven the Puppit he sayed!! Big huge chainges!!! And al becose a Lot of Collidge Prefessers thay has dyed and goed to Hevven and thay has teetched God a lot Of “new” things!! And nhow he knows he was Rong abote evry thing and he is sari for al themb Misstaiks he maid!!!

This hear it is caled My Bad Theollajy becose nhow God he is saying “My Bad!! i was rong! Nhow i has bin edducated and evry Thing “it” is goingto be Diffrint!!”” and aslo yiu mite as whel get ridd Of “the” Byble becose it is Rong tooo!!!!!!

So nhow thare woont be no moar Chrischins aloud To go to Hevven and al those things “the” Byble toled yiu was Rong, nhow thay are rihght and al themb things it toled yiu was Rihght, nhow thay are Rong!!!!! And al becose thare is so menny Interllecturals in Hevven nhow and “thay” “are” goingto Straiten Hevven Out jist like thay wil Straiten Out the hole Whorld as sooon as ordrinary dum peple thay “reelyze” how dum thay “are” and Start doing watt “us” Interrlecturals we tel themb “To” do!!!!!!

The Puppit he sayed “this hear it is watt We caul being On “the” Rihght Syde of Histry!!!!”! “and nhow God he unnerstans It tooo!!!

And then sumboddy he sayed “Whel watt abuot thare is being No Sutch Person as God?”” but the Puppit he sayed Dontchu wherry abote that,, becose nhow Hevven it is fulll of a lott of Goddisses that wasnt thare befour and aslo a lot of Prefessers and Union Bosses and Demacrats whoo becomed gods too as sooon “as” thay got Thare!!! “Whoo knows?? mayby some Of yiu, yiu wil aslo be gods!!!”

And that it is watt I “caul” Reel Relijin!!!


The Evillusion tree!!

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Well ha ha ha at all themb dum doaps cellarbrating Chrissmus, we has setted “Up” a Evillusion Tree rihght “hear” At Collidge!!! and anny boddy whoo Dont warship it thay are Gillty of Micro Grecian and has got to be putt Intwo Sensirtivvaty Traning!!! and aslo thay ottmatickly Flunk Byollagy evin iff thare not Taiking it!!!!!

Evry Boddy whoo Is “not” Dum & Stopid thay knows the Bybble it is rong and thare “is” “not” no god thare is ownly Evillusion!!! And aslo Mary Chrissmus it is hat speach!!! anny boddy whoo saiys “that”,, thay whil Not be aloud to has No Fun anny moar!!

Hear at the Stodent Soviet wee has de-claired fromb nhow On chrissmus It is “reely” Evillusion Day and evvry boddy on the Campis thay has got to Say So or elllse!!! We “arnot” “goingto”Stopp untill evvry boddy thay saiys It becose “That” “is” Dyvercity and Inclootion!!!!!!!!!!

Some Hater and Biggit he sayed if thare isnt No god then howw did Life start “In” The frist plaice??? Wel evry boddy thay knows that!!! Holey Space Brotthers thay brung it hear “fromb”” Owter Spaice on Star Schips jist like in Star Dreck!! “and” then thay Used Syince to maik stuff be Alyive!!Then we beeted him Up! He gots to be in Dyvercity Traning nhow!!!

Evry boddy thay knows that Life was jist Ameebers and thay Evolvved “Intwo’ Dynasores and Mungkys and then Peple and Super Heros!!! Sumbday “we Whil Alll be Super Heros axept foar al themb Stinkards whoo didnt Voat foar Hillery!!!!


Honest, I Was Kidding

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Joe Collidge at rest

I’m a little daunted by the inexplicable success of Friday’s “Joe Collidge” post, “Trumpt he Is Finnished.” It had only seven views the day it came out: “Laid an egg with that one,” I thought. But Saturday it had 27–unheard-of! And this morning, ten more.

Just for the record, President Trump is not “Finnished” by any means, although we can surely hope the freakin’ Democrats are. Here in New Jersey, one of our Democrat Congressman is so disgusted with the dum-dum on Capitol Hill, he has announced his intention to turn Republican.

One of the perils of writing satire is that someone might take it seriously. I try to stay outside the bounds of credibility when I write satire, but the boundaries of real-world silliness are expanding all the time. What’s satire today may well be news tomorrow.

The “Joe Collidge” pieces are written with satirical intent, as a commentary on the blustering, blithering twaddle that calls itself “higher education.” If Joe ever says anything that turns out to be true, it’s pure accident. He certainly wouldn’t do it on purpose.

So don’t be afraid of anything he says. But be afraid of an “education” system that cranks out liberals. Be very afraid of that.


Trumpt he Is Finnished!!!

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Oman whatt grate news!! Thay has impeetched Donold Trump, he “is” gone and “he” Is Dunn For!!! and iff he “Stil” woont go awhay thay will Impeetch him Twyce!! And thenn Hillery she will “Be” Pressadint,, and that whil Give “us” time so that Pressadint Obomma he “can” “be” Pressadint aggen!!!!!! Oar we cood jist has Two 2 Pressadints himn And Hillery!!!

Hear at Collidge wee “are” Alll so Hapy we are Jumppin Upanddown it is so Grate!!!! and thiss Time we “can” chainge the Law so the rihght perssin thay whin The Elecksion evry Time and thare no Moar bad precidints like Trumpt!! And Hillery it is Her Tern so “she” auhght to “be” Precidant foar Fitfy 50 Yeers and Precidunt Obomma he “can” “be” Pressadont four Evver!!!

My Prefesser he sayed nhow Donoldt Trump he “wil” has to go To Jale and probbly shood auhght to be Extacuttid for Abstraction of Congrass!!!! and affter that he shood be shott! Like fromb nhow On evry Boddy whoo dont voat Forr a Progestive thay shood be shooted tooo!!!! Thatt is How “we” can “insure” Demmocratsy!!!!!

Me I cannt weit foar Hillerey to Take Over and make the hole Countrie Trans Ginder!!!! And aslo thare whil be a hole Lott “of” Free Stuff!!!!


We Deamanned eezy Corses!!!

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Tooday we hadded “a” meating of The Stodent Soviet to de-manned fromb nowh “on” thare be Nothing butt Reel Eezy Corses hear at Collidge so evry One thay can Gradurate!!!

Al the collidge it has to Do “is” drop al themb Hard Corses! I knowed a gye he “was” taking Allergebra and it was jist Awffle!!! It was tooo hard! Thare shoodnt be “no” Math in collidge becose Math it “is” ownly For no good stinkin wyte Peple!! And yiu know watts wrong whith “it???” Yiu woont beleave it!!! Thay keep sayin thare is A Rihght Ansir to evry Promble! And al the Otther Ansirs thay “are” Wrong!!! This is Racist!!!

Butt wee aslo deamanneded thay get Ridd “of” Histary becose its Old! and get ridd of Englisch becose its jist wyte Privlidge! Al themb Ackadimmick corses thay are ownly “in” thare to maik stodents feeel Bad!!! Themb proffs thay jist caint whayt to Flunk yiu!!!!

Constaquintly becose of al themb Hard Corses thare “are” Stodents who cant gradurate “And” thay dont get no Deegree or nothing!!! Lasst yeer we jist fowneded Out that our Graduration Rayt “it was” ownly Nineteeen 19 Parsent!!!! That is unconsional!!! The Rayte it shood Be One hunderd 100 parsent!!!

I amb luccky i amb majering In Nothing Studdies and noboddy thay nevver Flunks Nothing Studdies!!!! Acksipt for this one gye he Flunkeded the Fynal becose he eated The Test and thenn got Sick alll Over “the” prefesser’s Desque!!!!!! Butt evry Boddy elst we al getted Strait As!!! Al we got “to Do” is keep paiying “the” Tution and in Fyve 5 oar Sicks 6 Yeers we gets our Deegree!!!

And yiu sea that oncet Evry Boddy thay all gets Strait As,, then Evry Boddy thay “are” Eaquol!!! Eaquolitty it “is” Goood!!!!!!!!!!


Godziller He Is Reel!!!

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[Editor’s Note: I was resolved not to allow Joe Collidge to appear today, but he snuck in while I wasn’t looking.]

Thancksgiven Daye it is to-marrow butt i amb not goingto cellarbrate it “becose” America “it” blows and anny how my fambly “thay” woont lett me “in” The house no moar!!

I whant to caul Atentchin to alll themb dum doaps that say Thare isnt no Climbit Chainge or Globble War Ming can yiu beleave How stopid thay “are”??? and thay aslo are sayying Godziller he “Is” not Reel!! Wel if he is “Not” Reel then how comb thares so Manny moovies abote himb?? Lets “see” themb Anser thatt!!!!!

Scyantits thay now know “that” it is Climbit Chainge what cawses all themb Monsters in Jappan!! It is ownly natcheral!!! Globble War Ming it whakes themb up “And” maiks themb crazy!!! and yiu Can axpect To see moar and moar Godziller atacks as the Climbit it chainges moar and moar!! This hear it is Donold Trumpt’s fawult!!!!!! Evry Boddy but himb and al thoze captillist Racists thay reelize we ownly has got tend (10) oar twelf (12) yeers leffted till The “end” “of” The Whorld unlest al the cristchins thay get putt In jale and thare isnt no moar facile fuols!!! Godziller atacks thay “are” jist the Tipp “of” the Iceburger!!!!

Now evry Interllectural in Evry Collidge thay know this but Trumpt he whants to maik the Whorld end and evry boddy dye jist so’s he “Can” Maik a Prophit!!!! That is wye he must got to Be “impeechted” befour he Can “do” it!!! And iff yiu stopid dum peple thinck I amb rawng whell yiu Can “jist” checke whith The U N and thay whil telll yiu evry Thing i sayed it is rihght!!!! Go a “head” and Ask themb i dayre yiu!!!!!!!!!!

Stopid Amarica yiu better “do” what us interllecturals say oar “the” neckst Monstar fromb Monstar Iland it whil be Comming “yore” whay!!!!!

 


My Favret Super Heero!!!

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Yeasterday in Nothing Studies “the” prefesser she assined us To Wreite a Termb Payper on “”Whom is Yore Favret Super Heero?””! It “is” doo by the End of “the” Smester and It whil cownt fore Haff our Grayd!!! But That it is “no” promble Becose she is goingto Give us All A’s annyhow,, it wood Be “a” Micro Grecian iff she gived us anny thing but a A!! She sayed this hear payper it “is” a Extrasize in Crickle Thinkking!!!!

Wel i was reely Stuck! Haow do yiu pick yore Favret Super Heero wen thare “is” so Menny Of “themb” and yiu Lyke themb alll??? SupraMan and BahtMan and Aqwavellva Man to saye Nothing “of” Wolfereen and the Blak Pander and Speiderman!!

Butt finely i desiddid my Favret Super Heero of themb “all” it is Wouldy Wouldpecker!!!!!!

Crimbinols and Climbit Chainge Denyars and Haters thay alll gives up and cry wen “thay” here Wouldy Wouldpecker lauhght!!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Wen thay here that they know thay Are finnish!!

And gee wow!!! I jist reelyzed “that” i can jist hand “in” this hear Post and that “whil” be my Termb Payper and i woont has to doo anny moar Work “on” it!!!!!!!!!!

Man i amb reely Geting “the” Hang of Collidge!!!


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