We has just hadded a Reely Impotant meting of The stodent soviet “tooday” and we jist “voated” to Abbolitsh Columbo Day!!!
How discussting! to has a socaled Holladay for some “guy” come over in “a” Shipp and abstruck al “the” Indingentous Peple in Amarica and that racist Columbo watt kined “of” Heero whas he??? Jist loook “at” himb,, he “was” Seesick the hole tyme “he” was On the Bote!!!!! and al this racist biggit stuph abuot he discupboard America watt a joak!!! becose evry Boddy “thay” knows it was Wimmin of Choler thay discupboard Ameriica!!! and thay done “it” a hunerd 1,00 yeeres befour stopid old Columbo!!
We lernt at our Meting that Columbo come to Amerrica it “was the” Gratist Kallamatty evver and i sayed at the meting itt “was” Donold Trumpt’s fawlt watt hapened and the hole Stodent Soviet thay “jumpeded” up and Cheered,, and like that it nevver hapened To “me” befour and it maid “me” fiel jist lyke Pressadint Obammba!!!! In facked it maid me “think” mayby i auhght to go Into Pollaticks i bett i cood get Elecktid to Congrist jist like Alexandra Ocasional Corset!!!!!
Any whay thare isnt gointo Be no stinkin Columbo day hear at our Collidge “or” no Othher kined of racist biggit Day neether!!!!!!
i bett I cood get “a” Lot of peple to Voat for me!!
Thare is a roomer “that” Hillery she “is” goingto maik a Big Impotant Speach in somplaice called Backteria or somthing Like that and al “of” us in the Stodent Soviet wee whant “to” go and sea her!!! Ownly four me “thare” is a promble! becose Backteria it “is” Far Awhay and yiu need to fly on a plain To “get” thare!!! and i thinked we wassnt saposed to fligh on airplains no moar becose “it” “is” Bad For The Plannit!!! and Aslo i hasnt got no munny “foar” A plain tickkit!
Butt thenn som Guy he is reel Smart he sayed he knowed a whay i cood fligh for Free!!! Al i has got to “do” is “go” whith himb as his Emocianul Sapport Annamel!! “Its Eezy he said “yiu jist lett me putt a leesh On yiu and this heer Fake Tale and wenevver i give yiu A siggnel yiu jist maik “a” annamel noyse and then Say “Bob yiu “are” phantasstick! yiu are onederfull! becose That is How yiu sapport my Emocians!!”” and Then somboddy elsse thay sayed it wood nevver whirk,, no Boddy thay wood evver Think i was a annamel but my frend he sayed “”No Promble, i whill jist say he Is a Kanga Roo,, them Moth Antenners on his hed thay wood foool any Boddy!!” and then He “hitt” the Other guy whith a Botle to maik himb go Awaigh!!
So wee whent to the Air Poret and we toled the parson at the Cownter that i was my frends Emocianal Sapport Kanga Roo and he givved me the siggnel and I moo’ed jist lyke A Kanga Roo and sayed “Bob yiu arr The Smartest Stodent in our hole Collidge!!” and it wood of whirked axsept a long camed This big meen guy In some “kind” of cop soout and sayed wee has to Get Out of “thare” or elsse “he” wood arest us and Bob he jist runned away!!! I nevver thinked he wood do that he jist leffed me thare like sum “kindof” dum dope and neckest Thing i knoo thay throwed me “outof” the Air Poret so i diddnt get to fligh on the Plain and sea Hillery!!! and i hadded to wauk al the whay Back to Collidge tooo!!
and I amb so tyred i think i wil jist “eet” “Theeze” hear jim sox and go to spleep!!
Thare is jist “no” end to the Interllecturalniss we get hear at Collidge!! Tooday in Nothing Studdies thay teached us “how” “to” play whith Dolls!!!
Theese hear dolls thay “are” Gender Floowid! That meens thay “can” be mail Or feemail Or neether!!! All yiu got “to” “do” “to” chainge thare Gender is,, yiu put diffrint clothes on themb!!! and aslo do thare hare diffrint!! Its “that” eezy!!!!!
Thenn thay shoowd us “a” Moovie butt i allreddy seed “it” wen i was Majering in Gender Studdies it is caled How Floowed Is Floowed?? and Tomb Hancks he is “in” it!!! At leest i thinked its Tomb Hancks maby it “is” sum one Elss! Itis al aboat How yiu “can” be al sortce of diffrint Genders whith all sortce of Diffrint Pro-nowns and iff sum Biggit Hater he dont use the “rihght” Pro-nown that yiu whant,, yiu can “get” himb Arestid and throwed in Jale!!!! How grate “is” That???
Unfortchinitly thay dont “let” us “taik” the Gender Dolls back to the Dorms whith us becose thay cost tooo Expensif but i dont has a Dorm roomb becose I still spleep in my Prefesser”s Twool Shed so i thawt it “wood be” alrihght iff i taked my Doll back thare but thay woodnt “let” “me” “do” that ether!!
To-marrow our prefesser she is goingto teetch “us” “how” to maik a Ball out of Play-Doh and role it all arowned!! Thare is awlyays sum Thing “new” “to” lern!!!!!!
Yeasterday hear At Collidge we herd abuot this hear Grate Ideer fromb Union Thealoggicable Semetary wood yiu Beleave “it” thay “are” confesting thare Sins “To” plants!!! Us in the Stodent Soviet we voated “rite” aweiagh to “maik it” Mandertorry for evry Boddy “here”!!!
Al of Us we “are” Interllecturals soe we “know” “thare” “is” no God but thare “are” Plants! and Plants thay are Reel!! Yiu “can” “sea” themb rihght hear!!!
But then some Biggit Racist Hater he sayed “iff Its A sin to eeat meeat then isnt It a Sin “to” eeat Plants tooo and then wat “are” yiu aloud To eeat??”” , wel we wernt goingto lissen to That!!! And annyhow sints i bin taking Moth Hoarmoans i can eeat hankerchiffts and jim sox and iff evry Boddy thay dose it then thay “can” eeat hankerchiffts and jim sox tooo!!!!! So ate ((*8!)) of Us we beet himb up!!!
The ownly thing “it” was Confuzing abuot this,, i alreddy lernt thare is no sutch thing “as” a Sin but this chick whith tatwos she stratened me Out quick!! Wyte Privvalidge it is a Sin! Just being Wyte it is a Sin!! If yiu has Moar Munny then some Boddy elsse thats A Sin tooo!! (Wel i dont has to whorry abote that i hasnt got no Munny at alll!!!!) Inter-Sexianalitty that is aslo a Sin!! So natcherly we can Confest all Theeze hear Sins “to” Plants–,,–and the Plants thay “will” heer our Confestions and Then Thay will do Nothing!!!!!! Like how Grate is that???
Joe Collidge lives! He has pioneered spelling any word any old way you please, and making up grammar as he goes along–and now the data editor (whatever that is) of a major British newspaper agrees with him.
“Grammar snobs are patronizing, pretentious, and just plain wrong,” says this yo-yo at The Guardian. And “minorities” shouldn’t be expected to know grammar. (https://www.newsbusters.org/blogs/nb/melissa-mullins/2016/04/23/angry-brit-correcting-grammar-racist-classist-and-censorious)
So who, again, is “patronizing” and “pretentious”?
But let’s hear from Joe Collidge himself:
I has bin sayin This “all” “alonge” that gramer It “is” Racist!! and this hear jist gose “to” Proove it!!, “and” i kanow i aint not Rong “abote” it neether!!!
I wonder if Walter Williams or Thomas Sowell realizes he’s being a white supremacist by using proper grammar. Maybe they, as Minorities, shouldn’t be allowed to use it. After all, it’s a form of White Privilege, to be able to communicate clearly.
Or, as Constable Chumley would say, “Yair fithen me cransion, I forrit!”
It is so Hard to tern into a wimmin! Themb Moth Hormoans thay shot me “up” “whith” all thay done “was” give me “theese” hear Moth Antenners and maiked me look goofy!!!
But its a Good Thing i amb hear in Collidge becose “in” collidge “we” has got So Manny Interllecturals thay can alyaws “think Up” a noo whay to do jist abote Any Thing!!!
So now we got “a” noo Coarse it is jist “starting” Up this Simmester,, it is a Coarse in Bellie Dantsing!! and I sined Up “for”: it!! and now i whill be lerning How To Bellie Dantse and that wil “Hellp” me tern into a wimmin “at Last”!!!!! and If i Passe it then i wil Get Three (3!) Ackadimmick Creddits!!!!! i cuddnit Affourd the Oficile Bellie Dantsing Cosstomb thouogh so i whil has to Bellie Dantse in my Undies!!!
And wood yiu Beleave “it??? some biggit he sayed i am Growtesk!!! and that he got Nite Mares from jist “looking” at me doing Bellie Dantsing,, he got Dizzy fromb see-ing my Moth Antenners “spin” arownd and arownd wile i dantsed!!! It maiked me Cry!!! Butt that is OK becose Crying “it” “Is” alloud in this hear Class!!! and aslo I re-Portid him to the Collidge Buyas Responts Teem and nowh he Must go inter Sensertivvaty Traning!! and aslo i let the aire Out “of” his tyres wen he wazznt Looking!!
I amb aslo sined “up” fore Play-Doh Modling 202 it is “the” Advantsed Coarse and i whil lern How To yuze a pentsle to poak Holes in a bawl of Play-Doh “to” Maik ayes and a Nose,, witch maikes it into A Fayce!!!!! It is reel Skullpture!!!
Wow! Laber Day it is “ownly one” moar munth awaye and did yiu “see” waht thare Doing “at” Bingumtan Unavercity??? Oh we has just “got” “to” “do” it hear at Our Collidge! Thare hole Sosology Deportmint thay “are” giving Creddits for Actavism and aslo for Re-Interpretating Carl Marx!! (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=13645)
Hear it is a kwote! “Laber, femmanast, LGTBQ++, aunty-Colowniel, Rachel Jutstus, and aunty-knee-o-libbarel Moovmints thay Rezisst the Struckxtures of Power!!!!!” Did yiu ever hear Any “Thing” as interllectural as that???? I getted Smarter “jist” readin it!!!
Carl Marx he infentid Commbunism it is so grate!!! Ownly Commbunism it is abel to Save The Planet fromb Climbit Chainge!!! That is wye Captolists thay hat it so mutch!!! becose themb captolists thay ownly “whant” to get evry boddy Drownded so “thay” “can” Maike a prophit!!! Witch is waht “willl” hapen “if” we Dont has Commbunism sooon!!!!!
Me I culd reely Use themb Extrer Creddits for Actavism,, like Keeying some biggit’s Car or throing Rocks at thare House!!! And aslo i amb a wizz at Re-Interpetating stuph!!! Yiu naime it,, i wil Re-Interpretait “it”!!!!!
Our hole Nothing Studdies Deportmint wee are al fore “this”!! We whant “to” Sho themb Sosolology stodents that we is jist “As” Actavist as thay “are”!!! like my one prefesser ze sayes “We has “got” to bern Evry Thing down befour we “can” bild Yutopiah on the roons!”!”
Waht a fantatstick idear “thay” has at Standfurd it is spacial fizzicks “fore” Mynorite Stodents!!!! (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=13615)
Yiu see,, thay has got “to” do thiss becose Fizzicks it is Racist and tooo menny “whyte peple” thay “studdy” it and so “thare is” Not enuph Divercity!!! Themb Racists thay “are” verry Sneeky so thay has maked Fizzicks it is Too Hard “for” Mynorite Stodents whith al “this” Stuph in it lyke Gravvaty and Mass–blank-blanket, how didd “thay” sneek Mass into Fizzicks??? I bet it “was” themb Cathlicks who didded it!!! doughnt thay know “it is” Un-Consatucionol to putt Religgin into Scyance???
Hear at Our Collidge us in “the” Stodent Soviet we “are” goingto Go one Steppe farthor!! We are “goingto” putt “in” a Rool that says no whyte peple thay Cant “studdy” no Fizzicks annymoar!!!!!!!!!! Only thenn whil “we” has Troo Divercity!!! Fromb now “on” alll Fizzicks it whil “be” for Parsons of Collor ownly!!!
Oncet yiu has “got” “a” deegree in Fizzicks yiu will be abel to bild “a” Rockit Shipp and Fligh it To “otther” Plannits!!! Our Collidge it can has It’s Own Spayce Pogrom!!! We dought has one Now becose “of” Racism!!!!
I jist fowned out Today that the Collidge “it” “is” “on” Sumer Vacasion!! Wy didnt noboddy Tell me??? No wunder my Class Roombs thay “are” emty Halff “the” time!!
A lott of the Stodents in Superheroe Studdies thay are “stilll” on Campas and i amb kinda jellice becose wen Thay gradurate thay wil reely “Be” Super Herose!!!! In facked “thay” are awlreddy Practising fore it,, thay are tryying On thare Cosstombs and runing aruond “all over” the Campas beeing Super Herose! That”s one “of” thare Prefessers up thare in The pixture!!!
In Nothing Studdies witch is My majer we are ownly lerning “how To” be nothings! That “is” wy I amb jellice!! I wish weed get Cosstombs tooo,, i wood lyke a Nothing Cosstomb!!!!!
I wood lyke to be the kinda Super Heroe whoo flys and locks up Evry Boddy whoo thay is Not “a” Socile Jutstice Worrier;: i wood lock themb Up “in” “a” Jale at the bottum “of The” ocian!!! i wood ware a red Cape whith a pixture of Chay “on” it!!! Butt i gotta saye Nothing Studdies it is moar Fun then Superheroe Studdies,, we whach Cartoons and maike “things” Out “of” Play–Doh!!!! And i am goood “at” It!!!!!!