All right, so he fell in love with a coconut. Is that so terrible? And he got music by Mozart to go with it. I can admit that as a single man in my early twenties, I would’ve been better off dating coconuts.
You should be able to guess what will happen, once a cat or a dog starts playing with balloons. Many years ago some scientists in Michigan did some experiments on cats and dogs and balloons, but the results have always been kept secret.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s weekend TV listings. Lee is off getting interviewed somewhere, so I’m on my own. I don’t mind if you don’t!
Here are a few samples from our weekend menu.
2 P.M. Ch. 11 DANCE TO THE MUZAK–Game show
Our hidden camera watches contestants dance to the Muzak that’s pumped into the elevator car while regular passengers watch, confused and maybe just a little bit scared! The grand prize goes to the contestant who can annoy and unsettle the most riders without getting punched in the nose. Host: Sales vice president Jack “Happy” Pew at Metro Studebaker, Ponca City.
2:15 P.M. Ch. 08 JIMMY FRAUD’S DELUSIONS–News
He’s only just discovered that he’s psychic, and can report the news before it actually happens. None of his predictions has come true, so far, but “that’s only natural, I’ve got to get warmed up,” he explains. Co-anchor: Dan Rather. With T’an Pu T’ing and his pots and pans orchestra.
You name it, someone in the audience has it! Join host Jacob Marley as he tries to find a disease that no one in the studio has or has had. It’s been three years since he thought he’d found one–only to have a man with just one buttock claim the prize. Color commentary by Joyce Carol Oates. Special guest: Alvin the Octopus.
3 P.m. Ch. 36 MOVIE–Horror
“The Man Who Feared Hamsters” (Bolivian-Silurian, 1996) is Shabby Jones (bodybuilder Tom Platz), marked for death by the KBG (no, not the KGB!), must elude the killer hamsters that they’ve programed to hunt him down and eat him. Film critic Prabhu Patnabhirish called it “Absolutely the worst movie ever made.” Spymaster: Ben Gunn. Femme Fatale: June Allyson. Assassins: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “I Busted My Coccyx on the See-Saw.”
Ch. 48 DUST BUNNIES–Western adventure, with soliloquies
Who are the Dust Bunnies? The most feared gunfighters who ever hid under a bed! Marshal Pete Cottontail (Richard Simmons) recruits only the toughest, meanest, deadliest hombres. This week: The Bunnies take on savage Sea Monkeys for control of Drybones Air Force Base, just two miles out of Tucson. Hoppy: Zoe Caldwell. Floppy: John Inman. Col. Tubbs: Some guy from New Jersey.
Well, folks, I hope these have whetted your appetite for another weekend of glorious, edifying, hair-raising television!
(Rushing to get to my TV before I miss anything! Byron the Quokka, signing off)