Tiny Dog, Tiny Tantrum

I’ve never owned one of those tiny little mini-dogs. I don’t think our cats would allow it.

This dog’s maneuvers suggest that he might have studied with Norbert. We don’t know what the tantrum was about. I reject the theory that he didn’t like his jammies.

Laugh Break: Trombone Mishap

This video is only 19 seconds long, so you’ll have to listen carefully to catch the “oops!” moment when a musician sneezes into his trombone. Blap!

In that instant of time, both the trombone player and the conductor saw their whole lives pass before their eyes.

Assorted Baby Animals

Quite an assortment here! Even a baby gecko. I am sorry to report that every baby gecko I have ever met trotted out a threat display and wanted to bite me. I wonder if they grow out of that. I mean, what do we do to annoy a gecko?

The Greatest-Ever Cat & Dog Video

Yes, I know I’ve posted this before, but gimme a break. I’m tired, running late, and I think this might be my all-time favorite video.

Try to figure out what the participants are thinking as they stage this spectacle. Come on, it’s almost as cool as Ben Hur’s chariot race…

Undercover Cats

Cats playing under the bedsheets–Hobart Smedly said it was a passport to another dimension. But he said a lot of things like that.

You can get a cat to go pretty crazy under a sheet. Watch out you don’t get bitten.

Kitten Makes the World Safe for Democracy

Many things have to be done to make the world safe for Democracy. Stopping dogs from wagging their tails is one of them.

Boldly the kitten shoulders this mission! This is no job for the faint-hearted!

Historical False Fact: The ancient Persian general Henry Goslin used to stay home whenever his dog wagged its tail.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 31

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here on behalf–where did that word come from?–of Quokka University, where we find the world’s best forgotten TV shows for your weekend viewing orgies.

I’m sorry, there seems to be something wrong with my choice of words today. Here are a few samples from this weekend’s menu.

2 P.M.   Ch. 00   ANDY PHNUGLUIH–Variety

The public has always wondered why Andy Phnugluih, with all his talent, never became a major star. A few episodes of this show might suggest an explanation. This week’s guests: Col. Wxha Bochgeshvili, Susan Mfoyay.

Ch. 07   SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN–Western

Travel the Wild West with the only magician in Oklahoma Territory who can make his enemies think they’re axolotls! This episode: When the Tumorville Bank is robbed by real axolotls, Sheriff Witless (Andrew Cuomo) turns to Schmendrick (Andy Devine)… as the fall guy! Ma Bell: Sophia Loren

2:16 P.M.  Ch. 12   PEOPLE NAMED AFTER CARTOON CHARACTERS–Morbid Nonsense

Join host Chiang Kai-shek as he journeys all over Cartoon County, Kansas, to interview unfortunate  persons actually named Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Sylvester Pussycat, Elmer Fudd, etc. This week’s question: What happens when a cop writes you a speeding ticket and asks your name? Featuring Artie the Hamster and his orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   HAWAIIAN EYEBALL–Mystery

Detective Oswin Prong (Andre the Giant) solves crimes by peering through keyholes! This week: When crime boss Wan Hung Lo (Danny Kaye) threatens to “hang a lulu on Honolulu,” Police Chief Jack Benny (Jack Benny) resigns and Prong has to take his place. This brings on a spell of horrendous weeping. Spectacularly special guest star: Wanda Hershberger.

Ch. 34   PUPPET HOME REPAIRS–Educational

In this new PBS series, the Bil Botch Marionettes demonstrate assorted home repairs: how to clean up bloodstains, how to avoid hanging a door upside-down, the ins and outs of outdoor plumbing, what to do when you’ve been electrocuted… The puppet crew features Footra the Ballarina, Binx the Irascible Centipede, and Bungo the Klutz. Special guests: the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, there you have it! Stock up on tasty leaves and settle in for entertainment like you never believed was possible.

50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

Cats ‘n’ Puppies

We have to face facts. Cats are not always as happy-go-lucky as puppies. But you just can’t get any puppy to believe it.

That reminds me of a hilarious story of Genghis Khan’s boyhood; but I’d better save that for when a real crisis comes along.

How to Hold a Cat’s Attention

So many people say their cats ignore them. It’s true. You can recite the Gettysburg Address to your cat and it’s like your not even in the room. Even William Jennings Bryan’s “Cross of Gold” speech won’t budge them.

What you need is a popcorn maker. This humble appliance succeeds where history’s greatest orators fail. We could’ve gotten Barry Goldwater elected president, if only we’d known.

Special! Guest Quokka Leaf Video!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here with a special treat sent to us by Phoebe–top-secret video of a bunch of us quokkas snacking on leaves. We call them “ponga leaves” so that humans won’t come along and take ’em all.

We can never understand why humans don’t like leaves. You don’t know what you’re missing! And they’re good for you, too. A woman named Smith ate leaves and lived to be 120 years old. You could look it up!

We hope you appreciate this wee glimpse through a keyhole into the lovely motel room of quokka cuisine. I am working hard on my metaphors!