A Dog and a Horse and Fun

I never thought of a horse as a playful animal. But I don’t know much about horses. So when I see a horse and a dog romping together, I can’t help wondering, “Who put them up to this?” And you can’t get either of ’em to play poker.

Corgi Want a Cracker?

You had a cracker in your mouth, you silly dog, and then you spat it out so you could perform this weird ritual around it. Then you spat it out again before finally eating it and getting crumbs all over the rug. What was that about?

Cats & Bubbles

I never thought of doing this with any of my cats (who, confronted by the unusual, mostly ran under the bed). It must be tantalizing for them: the bubble disappears as soon as you capture it.

Laying Down the Law (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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This is your editor speaking. For too long we have allowed Violet Crepuscular to abuse our trust. We keep waiting for her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, to break into a plot.

Just look at this mess! A rhino hibernating in back of a chicken coop. A cold snap that freezes everything but the vicar’s backyard wading pool. And Mr. Pitfall face-down on Violet’s living room floor, the victim of a swoon. He was just starting to read Chapter DXXX, she says. Well, we haven’t read it yet!

She addresses the defenseless reader: “The thing is, when you’re writing an epic romance of 500 or more chapters, you can’t just leave Mr. Pitfall lying on the floor. How could I have finished writing Chapter DXXX, when I had to call the UN to come and get Mr. Pitfall? I mean, have you ever tried to telephone those people?!? Ye gods!”

[Editor: Not so fast there, twinkletoes! What about that Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire, that you hinted at last week? Eh? Eh?]

“As for the Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire–” [We’ve got her on the run!]–“I simply have to hold it back for one more chapter. Meanwhile, consult the Ibid Chronicles for the year 457, the year the dragon first frothed. Then you’ll understand!”

[Editor plunges into a fruitless search for the Ibid Chronicles…]

Doggy Phobias

Dogs have some funny fears. Orange peels. Climbing the stairs. Shadows. I’m especially intrigued by the dog who has to climb the stairs backwards. Why does he feel he has to do that? And what’s with the orange peel?

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 28

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G’day, everybody–Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of life-altering TV programs brought to you by Quokka University. Would you believe these great shows have been left just lying around? Here’s a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 02  CHUCKLEHEAD NEWS–(Self-explanatory)

They’re not the least bit embarrassed by the label “Chucklehead”! This crack news team, assembled by anchor Jimmy Fraud, has a motto: “We’re honest about our dishonesty! We tell the truth about our lies!” Uh, wait a minute… Isn’t that two mottos?

Ch. 08  MOVIE–Apocalyptic vision 

In “The Attack of the Co-ed Dinosaurs” (French-Tasmanian, 1958), they went overboard in the cutting room and tossed out all but 20 minutes of this film–but it’s a great 20 minutes! Eddie Albert stars as a man in a rubber tyrannosaur suit who terrorizes a small town dominated by Rosemary Clooney and her songs. Directed by the United Nations.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  GENGHIS!–Sitcom

Genghis Khan (William Shatner) retires as a world conqueror and moves to Speedwell, New Jersey, to raise guinea pigs. This week: Mrs. Genghis (Jane Austen) and her mother-in-law (Willa Cather) get arrested for practicing alchemy and not getting any better at it. Will the Khan bail them out? Chief Mogan: Liberace. Speedwell Police Force: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 33  SURVIVE IF YOU CAN!–Game show

Follow the fun with emcee Sandy Duncan as contestants are stranded on tiny islands populated by army ants, poisonous snakes, hideous tropical diseases, and ferocious tribes of cannibals–and the one who lives the longest wins a Fogo Industries Prefab Tool Shed!

7 P.M.  Ch. 61  PARANORMAL PETE–Explorations of the unknown

A ghost haunts a stapler; a Good Humor man can’t remember his past life as Brad Pitt; did extraterrestrials build the Macy’s department store in Grogboro, Iowa, that no one else remembers building? Pete Runnels explores these and other unexplained mysteries that no one can figure out! Guest: Susan Duckweed.

Well, there you are! Whoever called TV a vast wasteland obviously never saw any of these shows!

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(I love that bicycle!) Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Priceless! Baby and Bloodhound Duet

Neither of them can sing, but this is a duo made in Heaven. Have you ever seen a cuter baby? Back and forth they go, the baby and the dog. I wonder which one of them will give up first.

A Pleasant Little Game for You

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I invented this yesterday, a pleasant little game you can play solitaire or with others, and you won’t need any equipment.

By simply changing, adding, or subtracting one letter in the title of a movie or a book, you can radically change the whole thing. Here are a few examples.

*Change The Godfather into “The Codfather,” and suddenly Don Corleone’s got a commercial fishing fleet.

*Change The Last of the Mohicans into “The Least of the Mohicans,” and, well… somebody has to be “least.”

*Change The Bridge on the River Kwai into “The Fridge on the River Kwai,” and you have quite a challenge for a crew of movers: how to get that great big fridge across the river.

You might find this a little harder than you expect, but that’s part of the fun–like doing expert crossword puzzles. I hope some of you will hop aboard and provide us with some more twisted titles.

I was going to call this game “Wilusabarnapishta,” after the Hittite who discovered America and then lost it… but maybe I should go with “Twisted Titles.” I’m open to suggestions from the public, though.

It’s More Than Just ‘Meow’

Birds (and humans) elicit some odd vocalizations from cats. I wonder what they mean.

I’ve heard there’s a cat that can do Minnie Minoso imitations, but I don’t believe it. Then again, who would ever tell such a hopeless lie?

A Rather Rude Dog

Rumor has it that dachshunds have been genetically modified to pull your pants off. You know the kinds of stuff the Pentagon gets up to.

So far it works best against babies. If our country ever has to fight an army of babies, we’ll be ready.