Tag Archives: humor

Bedtime for Kitty

Cats love to sleep, and as you can see from this video, a lot of them are really good at it. Note the many cats who love to knead their bedding material as they drift off to dreamland. You, although human, can learn to do the same. My cats assure me it really helps you get to sleep faster.


A Celebration Spoiled (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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We skip over two chapters dealing with scrubbing all the mud off Lady Margo and putting her to bed, and notifying Lord Jeremy Coldsore that his fiancee has returned from wherever she was. She has not told anyone that she was in the Plaguesby jail. Those two chapters were very badly written.

In Chapter CCLXXVII of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Lord Jeremy has proclaimed a holiday to celebrate Lady Margo’s return. This time he first consults the Wise Woman of the Woods before proceeding with his plan.

“Go right ahead, my lord,” says the Wise Woman of the Woods. “This time absolutely nothing will go wrong. Your troubles are over!”

And so all of Scurveyshire gathers on the village green to play swallow-the-pebble, to drink copious quantities of ale, and rejoice for Lady Margo and her upcoming wedding to Lord Jeremy and his friend, Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad. Lady Margo believes them to be the same person and gets flustered when she sees them both together.

The merriment is interrupted by the sudden arrival of an ominously tall figure clad in an unimaginable (I wish she would stop using that word!) black cloak, out of which peers a dreadful papier-mache skull.

“Hear me, Scurveyshire!” bellows the stranger. “It is me–I mean I–Black Rodney! Woe to all of you! From now on, no happiness will ever be allowed again in Scurveyshire! You are hereby cursed, all of you!”

For Lord Jeremy, this is just too trying for words. “This is just too trying for words!” he exclaims, “and it’s time we put a stop to it.

“We have an ancient law in Scurveyshire, you villain, dating back to a time before the Romans came and made a hash of things. A native king named Porky decreed a law that anyone who brings bad news should be immediately put to death–a law which I, as justice of the peace, do now invoke. Black Rodney, I sentence you to death!”

“It’s about time!” mutters Twombley. He draws his Colt revolver and shoots the black-clad stranger where he stands. As the figure collapses on the sward (“I am so happy I finally got to use that word!” remarks Ms. Crepuscular, in an intimate aside), no one hears Jeremy mutter, “It really ought to have been a hanging, old boy.”

But wait! As all gather round the fallen sorcerer, it is soon discovered that the black cloak and the dreadful mask are… empty! Empty!

“I break the chapter here,” explains Ms. Crepuscular, “to heighten the suspense.”


Time for a Laugh: Bob & Ray, and ‘The World’s Largest Living Lizard’

A good laugh is a gift of God, and I don’t know about you this morning, but I need one!

So here are Bob & Ray with a bizarre comedy routine they first performed in 1970. What happens when an expert in an obscure field of knowledge is interviewed by a total idiot? Listen, and find out.

If you’re too young to remember Bob & Ray, give them a chance. This is dry, quietly crazy humor at its very best.

I’ve never been interviewed by anyone who can’t remember what I said from one minute to the next. Maybe if I’m lucky, I never will be.


Cats & Candles

And then there was the gavone whose house burned down because he wanted to film his car snuffing out a candle and the cat smacked it off the table and into the curtains…

True, most cats can deftly put out a candle. But a few aren’t really all that good at it, and we are all better off not leaving candles untended with cats on the premises. But some people will do anything to get on Youtube.


Nude Bus Driver Wins Powerball

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You know that old saying, “Never trust a nude bus driver”? I mean, gee, look what shape his bus is in! Maybe he can fix it up, now that he’s won $459 billion in the New Jersey Powerball. Like, he now owns the place… the whole state…

Sorry for the click bait, but I’ll do just about anything to try to boost my readership. Ever since they started Daylight Saving this year, my numbers are way down. And anyway, if you don’t think a prodigy like the one described above can happen, then you don’t know New Jersey.

P.S.–Remember, all the post you missed are waiting for you in the blog archives.


Cats and Turtles

Cats don’t know quite what to make of turtles. Our cat Henry used to sit contemplating our painted turtle, who would swim around and around in hopes that Henry would feed him, because he was always fed by hand. Henry never came across with any snacks.

The turtles in this video have absolutely no fear of cats. They have given up hoping for snacks from that source.


Flash! Joe Collidge Survives the Censor!

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Those of you who are fans of Joe Collidge–I do hope I’m talking about more than four or five people here–will be delighted to know that this week Joe has survived the Facebook censors and can thus reach another half a dozen readers.

I still don’t know why Facebook chose to stifle him last week. After all, he’s on their side. Joe Collidge is, I dare say, the authentic voice of the Left, whose insights are indispensable to anyone who wishes to understand progressive thinking.

I hear Nancy Pelosi wants to lower the voting age to 16. Don’t you think 14 would be better? Or 12? Joe was going to weigh in on this issue today, but I guess it slipped his mind.


This Helmet Will Give You 3 Wishes!

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I saw this guy walking around in Keyport today. He leaned over the bulkhead and fell into the bay, but I was able to retrieve his helmet. As he climbed out of the water, shaking himself vigorously, he offered me $20 to give him back the helmet. I was going to give it back anyway. When I held it out to him, he snatched it away.

Only then did I remember where I’d seen that helmet before! It was in a Kolchak: The Night Stalker episode. If you wore it, it gave you three wishes–and then turned you into a monster.

“I’ve still got one wish left!” he snarled at me. “But as long as I’ve got the helmet and haven’t made the third wish, I won’t get turned into a monster.”

“What were your first two wishes?” I couldn’t help asking.

“First I wished to be handsome,” he said, “and then I wished to be smart. That’s two wishes!”

“Any idea when they’ll be granted?”

Well, that riled him. “What a rotten thing to say!” he cried. “I wish you’d just leave me alone!”

Uh-oh.

I suddenly found myself at home, leaving this man alone. Obviously his final wish was granted.

Poor devil!


Kitten Oratory

What are these fuzzy little characters trying so hard to tell us?

I don’t know. My cat, Robbie, knows at least 50 different ways to say “Give me something to eat.” She and her sister, Peep, also excel at pulling wistful little faces. They’ve practiced this a lot over the years and have gotten really good at it.


If Your Bunny’s Mommy Is a Cat…

Cats are really good at being mothers, and pretty generous about it, too. If kittens, or a human baby, aren’t available, well–bunnies will do. Even a baby chick will do. Anything, as long as it’s nice and fuzzy and needs a mommy. One of these cats has her own kittens and still adopts–and nurses–a bunny. And somehow a dog nursing a kitten got in here, too. Plenty of love to go around.


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