Move over, purple penguins! Now that some of the real lightweights have dropped out, it’s time for me to join the Democrat presidential nomination sweepstakes.

And here’s my first campaign promise, right up front. If I’m elected president, I guarantee that there will be no sharks swimming around in our department stores! No other candidate has made that promise because no other candidate can. With me in the White House, it will be perfectly safe to use the escalator in Barnes & Noble.

I also promise that the very least I would do, if you elect me president, would be… well, nothing. C’mon, now, people, which would be better? Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders or Kamala Harris–or a president who does, like, nothing? Fumbling, stupid, crazy policies, or no policies? Imagine a president with the good sense to leave the country alone. That would be me!

Now, you know they won’t let me take part in any of those “debates” they have. You saw how they all piled onto Marianne Williamson for coming out of political nowhere and still looking better than the rest of them. “I didn’t know they could be so mean!” she’s saying now. Hey, sister, I coulda toldja. “I didn’t know they lied so much!” Coulda toldja that, too.

So, then, help me build up my campaign war chest by buying my books. Books? What books? You have books? You’re darn tootin’ I do. Just go to this blog’s home page and click “Books,” and find out all about it. You can even order them from there.

Vote for me, Lee Duigon, in all your Democrat primaries!

Because doing nothing is better than doing evil.