Solid objects are inherently racist, and anyone who handles them, or even looks at them for long enough, will become a racist–according to the Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center.

In a new pamphlet issued by the Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center, People You’re Supposed to Hate Because They’re Not Us (25 pages, $55.99), Grand Pooh-bah Caspar Schmendrick says, “The systemic racism of America has tainted everything from coffee tables to those little metal frogs that click when you squeeze them in your fingers. And just about all the people in this country are tainted, too.”

Even worse, he adds in the last paragraph, “Most solid objects are homophobic, too.”

Since solid objects are so very hard to avoid seeing or touching, is there any way one can not be a racist?

In the section entitled But There’s Hope!, Schmendrick reveals the surprising and uplifting answer to that question.

“To not be a racist anymore,” he writes, “simply send all your money to the Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center, checks made payable to cash. We will deposit your money in our safe and secure Cayman Island bank account and use it to fight for Social Justice by paying the salaries and benefits of our idealistic staff.”

Schmendrick is also the author of Heterosexuality is a No-Good Christian Conspiracy and a frequent guest on the Antifa Goon Squad radio show. The Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center reportedly has at least $350 million squirreled away on Cayman Island.

I wonder whose poverty they’re talking about.