[Editor’s Note: I was resolved not to allow Joe Collidge to appear today, but he snuck in while I wasn’t looking.]
Thancksgiven Daye it is to-marrow butt i amb not goingto cellarbrate it “becose” America “it” blows and anny how my fambly “thay” woont lett me “in” The house no moar!!
I whant to caul Atentchin to alll themb dum doaps that say Thare isnt no Climbit Chainge or Globble War Ming can yiu beleave How stopid thay “are”??? and thay aslo are sayying Godziller he “Is” not Reel!! Wel if he is “Not” Reel then how comb thares so Manny moovies abote himb?? Lets “see” themb Anser thatt!!!!!
Scyantits thay now know “that” it is Climbit Chainge what cawses all themb Monsters in Jappan!! It is ownly natcheral!!! Globble War Ming it whakes themb up “And” maiks themb crazy!!! and yiu Can axpect To see moar and moar Godziller atacks as the Climbit it chainges moar and moar!! This hear it is Donold Trumpt’s fawult!!!!!! Evry Boddy but himb and al thoze captillist Racists thay reelize we ownly has got tend (10) oar twelf (12) yeers leffted till The “end” “of” The Whorld unlest al the cristchins thay get putt In jale and thare isnt no moar facile fuols!!! Godziller atacks thay “are” jist the Tipp “of” the Iceburger!!!!
Now evry Interllectural in Evry Collidge thay know this but Trumpt he whants to maik the Whorld end and evry boddy dye jist so’s he “Can” Maik a Prophit!!!! That is wye he must got to Be “impeechted” befour he Can “do” it!!! And iff yiu stopid dum peple thinck I amb rawng whell yiu Can “jist” checke whith The U N and thay whil telll yiu evry Thing i sayed it is rihght!!!! Go a “head” and Ask themb i dayre yiu!!!!!!!!!!
Stopid Amarica yiu better “do” what us interllecturals say oar “the” neckst Monstar fromb Monstar Iland it whil be Comming “yore” whay!!!!!
Yeasterday in Nothing Studies “the” prefesser she assined us To Wreite a Termb Payper on “”Whom is Yore Favret Super Heero?””! It “is” doo by the End of “the” Smester and It whil cownt fore Haff our Grayd!!! But That it is “no” promble Becose she is goingto Give us All A’s annyhow,, it wood Be “a” Micro Grecian iff she gived us anny thing but a A!! She sayed this hear payper it “is” a Extrasize in Crickle Thinkking!!!!
Wel i was reely Stuck! Haow do yiu pick yore Favret Super Heero wen thare “is” so Menny Of “themb” and yiu Lyke themb alll??? SupraMan and BahtMan and Aqwavellva Man to saye Nothing “of” Wolfereen and the Blak Pander and Speiderman!!
Butt finely i desiddid my Favret Super Heero of themb “all” it is Wouldy Wouldpecker!!!!!!
Crimbinols and Climbit Chainge Denyars and Haters thay alll gives up and cry wen “thay” here Wouldy Wouldpecker lauhght!!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Wen thay here that they know thay Are finnish!!
And gee wow!!! I jist reelyzed “that” i can jist hand “in” this hear Post and that “whil” be my Termb Payper and i woont has to doo anny moar Work “on” it!!!!!!!!!!
Man i amb reely Geting “the” Hang of Collidge!!!
Sumbtimes it is a drag hasing Moth Antenners whitch i got affter thay “shotted me” Up with Moth Hoarmoans to i can be a trans Wimmin but it Didnt Work and so i “got” theez hear Antenners and aslo i can eet jim sox “and” Hankerchifts!!
Wel whe had a grate Lexture to day “in” Nothing Studdies al abuot Woke Meddasin whitch wee kneed Becose “thare” isnt not enuohgh Wimmin Of Culler and Minorites being dockters “and” sturgeons and we has to got Mutch moar “of” themb for Divercity and Sustanabbilty!! And”the”” whay “yiu lern Meddasin and Sturgery” “is jist bye Doing It” thats whatt the lexturer she sayed!!! “So whoo whants to Vollinteer to trye somb Sturgery?” she askeded and Evry “boddy” thay razed thare Hands!!!
She picked out Fyve 5 of themb and hadded themb push a cupple desks Togetther,, “And nhow wee nead a Pashint!!” And wood yiu beleaveit??? She pickted Me!!! “Come Up “hear” and lay dhown on theez hear deskses and wee wil Do “somb” Sturgery on yiu!!”” Wel i waznt Shure i whanted no sturgery but thay al grabded me “and” holed me dhown “On” themb deskses!!! and then she Reetched into a Bag and taked out a Hatchit!!! “This it is yore luckky Day we Are goingto Ampatate themb stopid Antenners!!!!!”
Of corse i was a Litle bitt affrayed but she taked out a botle and she sayed this hear “it is a Anna Settick al yiu got to Do “is” Drink this And yiu woont feal a Thing!” butt wen she taiked the top off The Botle i gess I panicked becose that stuf it smelt jist Like cat Pee and i didnt whant to Drinkit butt she maid themb holed me “down” and grab my Nose to maik me Oppin my mouth so she Cood “pore” it into me!!! and thenn one of the stodents was sposed to taik “The” hatchit and Chop Off my Antenners!!!!!!!!!!
Yiu cant eevin Imajjin how re-leafed i was wen The Bell it ringed!!! and evry “boddy” thay hadded to “go to” thare neckst Classs!! and i runned aweiay!! That “was” “a” awfful Close Cawl!!!!! i amb like Totilly “in” fayver of Woke Meddasin but i jist whaznt reddy “four” this!!!
Thare is this hear Girl “in” Town she “is” 13 yeers Old and she leaded a Yuth Climbit Strike lasst munth and Now she “is” highred To Be the new Deen of Deens rihght hear “at” our Collidge!!! We hadded a spacial meting Of “the” Stodent Soviet to dee-mannd it! And aslo her naime it is Patunia!!!
Fromb now on Patunia she whil Be “the” Deen of Deens witch meens she wil Tel alll the Other deens and al the Stodents and aslo alll “the” Prefessers Whatt To Do “and” Whatt To Say!!!! How grate is that???
We has al got Grate Expecktorations of her!!! All-reddy she maked a Rool that says Evry boddy got to be Climbit Chainge Acktavists or else yiu get putt in Sensertivvaty Traning and aslo Expeled!!!!!! and she maked Buyus Responts Teems to go aruond smashing ennyboddy whoo sayes anny hat speach!!! Fromb now On thare “woont” “be” anny Hate at our Collidge oar Elsse!!!!
This it is jist “so” grate!!!!! I “love!” to sea al them deens and provoasts and addminerators and PH-Dees and janniters bowing down “To” her wen thay sea her on The Campis!! The rool it is yiu has to Bow wenevver yiu sea her!!! And aslo evry time she tawks to yiu,, yiu has to say “Yes Mom yiu are so rihght!!! Yiu are Awsum!!!”” Fromb nhow on yiu has to Say “evry” thing she says yiu has to say and aslo Think “evry” Thing she says yiu has to think and iff yiu “dont” well yiu Beter Whach Out!!! Jist this moarning she toled a Collidge Vise Pressadint to go sit “in” A mudd puddle and he hadded to Do It!!!
Thare was somthing “abuot” anny boddy whoo dont like it thay gets “sended” out to a Corn Feeled somwear and cant “evver” come Back but i hasnt got al the detales on That yet!
Some guy he “is” Not in Collidge so he dont know anny thing,, he hased changlled me to explane “The” evilusion Of The humbing Bird Moth and i amb a eggspurt on “this” becose i has been shooted Up “whith” alll themb Moth horemoans in facked I has moth Antenners on my fourhead!! Fore a litle wile thare i was wherried i mite wind up “like” Vintsint Price in The Fligh only i gess That “is” “not” goingto hapen!!
It “is” Ovvius to anny one whoo Is a Interllectural that ether the humbing Bird Moth it Evolved “in to” The Humbing Bird oar elss the Humbing Bird it Evolved In To the Humbing bird Moth!!!!Ether way that “is” watt hapens and it taiked a billyin yeers give “or” taik a fiew!!!!
Haow dose It hapen?? Wel thats eezy!! it “is” a cumbinnasion of Natchrul Sellecksion and Muteacions cuased “by” Kozmick Ray,, one of themb rays it Gets “Looose” and hits some aminal’s jeans and cuases theeze hear “litle Tiny” Chainges and affter a cupple milyin of those yiu has a Campleatlie Diffrint Creeture!!!!!!
Watt “is” “Not” “so” eezy to figgur Out is witch come Firsst the Humbing bird Moth oar “the” humbing Bird!! To fined oaut this yiu has got “to” wholed a Sayonce!! Butt it “is” eevin moar Affishant jist to keep chaingin the Settlled Scyience back And forth fromb One To The otther that whay yiu whill awlyaws Be rihght at leest haff The Timeb!!!!!! and nhow i gess that gye he “is” sari he taiked me “on”!!!!!!!!!!
A “professor of moral philosophy” (LOL) at some college says so, so it must be true.
Then they wonder why kids are depressed, after being force-fed all this gloom and doom–force-fed by The Highest Authorities In The Land. The kings and queens of crapola.
And they never, ever, set even the slightest example of the austerity that they demand from us.
There’s only one answer they deserve, and here it is.
We has just hadded a Reely Impotant meting of The stodent soviet “tooday” and we jist “voated” to Abbolitsh Columbo Day!!!
How discussting! to has a socaled Holladay for some “guy” come over in “a” Shipp and abstruck al “the” Indingentous Peple in Amarica and that racist Columbo watt kined “of” Heero whas he??? Jist loook “at” himb,, he “was” Seesick the hole tyme “he” was On the Bote!!!!! and al this racist biggit stuph abuot he discupboard America watt a joak!!! becose evry Boddy “thay” knows it was Wimmin of Choler thay discupboard Ameriica!!! and thay done “it” a hunerd 1,00 yeeres befour stopid old Columbo!!
We lernt at our Meting that Columbo come to Amerrica it “was the” Gratist Kallamatty evver and i sayed at the meting itt “was” Donold Trumpt’s fawlt watt hapened and the hole Stodent Soviet thay “jumpeded” up and Cheered,, and like that it nevver hapened To “me” befour and it maid “me” fiel jist lyke Pressadint Obammba!!!! In facked it maid me “think” mayby i auhght to go Into Pollaticks i bett i cood get Elecktid to Congrist jist like Alexandra Ocasional Corset!!!!!
Any whay thare isnt gointo Be no stinkin Columbo day hear at our Collidge “or” no Othher kined of racist biggit Day neether!!!!!!
i bett I cood get “a” Lot of peple to Voat for me!!
Don’t you wish this was just totally made-up satire, it couldn’t possibly come true? I do!
I mean, really–what is left of the human brain, after college gets through with it? And why are we still throwing public money at the colleges? Can’t we see what we’re getting for that money?
This was “feminist political ecology” from three years ago. In the heaping up of vast quantities of stupidity, three years is like thirty.
Save America. Defund the colleges now.