Tag: foolish intellectuals

Godziller He Is Reel!!! REPRINT

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[Editor’s Note: I was resolved not to allow Joe Collidge to appear today, but he snuck in while I wasn’t looking.]

Thancksgiven Daye it is to-marrow butt i amb not goingto cellarbrate it “becose” America “it” blows and anny how my fambly “thay” woont lett me “in” The house no moar!!

I whant to caul Atentchin to alll themb dum doaps that say Thare isnt no Climbit Chainge or Globble War Ming can yiu beleave How stopid thay “are”??? and thay aslo are sayying Godziller he “Is” not Reel!! Wel if he is “Not” Reel then how comb thares so Manny moovies abote himb?? Lets “see” themb Anser thatt!!!!!

Scyantits thay now know “that” it is Climbit Chainge what cawses all themb Monsters in Jappan!! It is ownly natcheral!!! Globble War Ming it whakes themb up “And” maiks themb crazy!!! and yiu Can axpect To see moar and moar Godziller atacks as the Climbit it chainges moar and moar!! This hear it is Donold Trumpt’s fawult!!!!!! Evry Boddy but himb and al thoze captillist Racists thay reelize we ownly has got tend (10) oar twelf (12) yeers leffted till The “end” “of” The Whorld unlest al the cristchins thay get putt In jale and thare isnt no moar facile fuols!!! Godziller atacks thay “are” jist the Tipp “of” the Iceburger!!!!

Now evry Interllectural in Evry Collidge thay know this but Trumpt he whants to maik the Whorld end and evry boddy dye jist so’s he “Can” Maik a Prophit!!!! That is wye he must got to Be “impeechted” befour he Can “do” it!!! And iff yiu stopid dum peple thinck I amb rawng whell yiu Can “jist” checke whith The U N and thay whil telll yiu evry Thing i sayed it is rihght!!!! Go a “head” and Ask themb i dayre yiu!!!!!!!!!!

Stopid Amarica yiu better “do” what us interllecturals say oar “the” neckst Monstar fromb Monstar Iland it whil be Comming “yore” whay!!!!!

 

I Has red Hillery’s Book! REPRINT

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From December 1, 2017

I has jist finnished reeding Hillery’s book its caled Waht Hapened and its “al abote” how she “got” cheeted Out “of” being Pressadint by al them Rushins thay was workin For Donold Trumpt and aslo al them De-Plorrables thay are Haters and thay dint want no Wimmim Pressadint,

Wel i tel yiu that boook It is Dynomight! it is so grate i jist had have to writ her a Letter and “hear” it is!!

Deer Hillery i am a Interllectural hear at Collidge and al us intrallecturals we Wanted Yiu “to” be pressadint and we jist abote dyed wehn it turned Out yiu got cheeted out of It! yiu are a godess! and i red yore book and itis so Grate grate grate!!! Thare was a lot Of werds in it I didnt under Stand them al and i thinked you spelt a few of them Rong but at this poynt Wat dose it Matter?? anyway i amb riting To “tel” yiu Dont be Sad we stil wants Yiu to be Pressadint and we wil Not “stop” untill you Are pressadint and al them hatful peple thay stink who dint Vote “four” yiu thay al in Jale “whith” al the Climbit Chainge De-Nyers tooo!! i has Moth Antenners in Case yiu are intersted in that and aslo i has got Yore “pitchure” taped up in my Gender Studies prefessers toool shed that Is “ware” i sleeep at nite! i amb seure Yiu wil Feeel “beter” wen yiu know al Us Interllecturals we Are be-Hind you 100000 Persent!!! Yore frend Joe Collidge!!! PS do yiu like Hankerchifs i amb saving A “nice one” jist fore Yiu!!!

Now al I has to do is figre Out ware to “get” a Stamp so i can male it!!

Deplorable People Have Too Many Babies! REPRINT

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From September 24, 2016

Do you have to be moral, to be a “moral philosophy professor”? Nah.

One of these intellectual ginks at Johns Hopkins University has written a book in which he declares we gotta fight Climate Change by having way fewer babies ( http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-09-23/want-to-slow-climate-change-stop-having-babies-bioethicist-travis-rieder-says ). Yup: too many people on the Plaaaanet, poor ol’ Gaia, blah-blah-blah.

Government–and interllecturals–he reluctantly concludes, will find it necessary “to pressure families” to stop making babies: because modern people just will not “give up their toys” and scale themselves back to an 11th-century lifestyle. By “toys” he means things like refrigerators and air conditioning.

Yo, sunshine! Which of those toys have you given up?

He does not deal with the colossal amount of evidence that “climate scientists” and government agencies are lying, lying, lying about all this. Instead, he brands his critics, and anyone else who won’t agree with him, as “the far-right hate machine.”

The wisdom of God speaks truly: “All they that hate me love death” (Proverbs 8:36).

P.S.–Yes, I know I complain all the time about the noise and crowding in this part of New Jersey. But not being a liberal, I do not demand that my emotional reactions to my particular circumstances be made the basis of public policy affecting everyone.

Doun Whith captallist Vilince!!! REPRINT

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From April27, 2018

I amb has a hardd “time” Writing this becose “that” stopid cat Robby she is lee the Fashists cat she keeps “on” bumpping my Hand!! i know he put her up “to” It! but i wil rite this annyhow!!

I jist heered abote this Grate lexture by a Prefesser she sayed we “has got” to Under Stand Rachel Captillism and the Open Seecrit of Rachel Captillist Vilince!! Wel we Are Introllecturals so of coarse we all-ready knows evvry Thing it is Racist! The reely Grate thing This hear prefesser she sayed is Indervidural Rites thay Fuuel Captillist Vilince expeshally “”Free Speach” and “Proptery Rites!!” yiu go girl!!!! (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10817)

Dam that cat she maid me Spel a wird wrong!!! wye dont she stop doing That???

Aslo she sayed thare shuld be no Pollice—no it wassnt the dum cat who sayed That! Wear was I? Oh yeh and aslo Socilism It “works” reely good becose Then Evvry Boddy thay is All Equil!!

So wee shuld auhght to Get “rid of”” al them Socalld Rites, only Us Interllecutrals we Are Smart Enuhgh to has “them” rites ordrinary dum peple thay Are Tooo Dum to has rites!!! Thay wil jist Whind Up “saying” hat speach and Racist stuph!!! Unlest yiu Are a Intrelecktural yiu “Mite As” wel be jist a Baby that Is “wye” we got to do All yore “Thinking” four yiu!!! and yiu stopid dum peeple yiu dont evvin apreceate It!!!

Wye dont This cat jist gett out “Of” hear??? She maid me make a airer!!

Owch she bited My moth Antenners!!! Yow! now she—

[The editors regret that Joe Collidge is unable to continue his essay.]

Joe Collidge’s Term Paper REPRINT

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What to Do If Your High Schooler Has Failing GradesFrom June 11, 2021

Soddenly Our Collidge thay has desided “it” gots tobe moar Riggerice (wattevver That meens!!) and we shood “alll” has “to” rite Termb Paypers!!! Even in Nothing Studdies!!! It is crool,, butt thay say somb Haters in the Stayte Lejaslaychur thay are “goingto” taik A-whay A Lott “Of” our funnding unlest thare “is” moar Eddicaytshun hapening!!!!! That it is wye we has to rite Termb Paypers!!!! To proove the Collidge is knot jist waysting Munny!!!!!!

Wel i nevver rote no Term Payper the hole tyme i Been “in” collidge!! The prefesster she sayed “Jist reite yore Idear”^^ that aynt No helpp!! Idear? I hasnt hadded no Idear sints, like, Evver!!!!!!!!!!

Forchinittly my frend Fottzy, he hadded A Grate Idear and he sayed “Wye doughnt yiu jist rite watt i rite?? Weere all “goingto” rite “The saimb” Thing!!!”! That shoor taiked a lode Offf my “Mined”!” Aslo it is a whay “to” cellerbrayt Dyvercity!!!!

So our Toppick it is “Jo Bydin He Is “The” Re-Carnation of Pressadint Obomma and Pressadint Obomma He “Is” Naow A god!!!!!!!!!!” It is a grate toppick and we whill Awl “get” a A+++!!!

Somb Hater he sayed Jobydin he “is” Oalder thann Pressadint Obomma so he caint possablee be himb and anywhay Pressadint Obomma he “is” still Hear so he caint Be Re-in-carnaytid At All!!!!””!  So we al beet himb Up!!!!

Boy it “Is” Harrd to rite a Termb Payper, thay “are” maikin us rite A Hundrid 100 Werds and itt is Taikin me al Dhay!!!!!!!!

We take Downe wite men’s Pitchures! REPRINT

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[Editor’s note: And then there were none… except for Uncle Joe.]

From June 15, 2018

Hear at Collidge we has got a “grate idear” to Hellp Minorites by taken downe “alll” pitchures of wite mens!!! and this it whil make Minorites feeel beter abote Them Selfs!!

We got this hear big Collidge Haul it is “full of” pitchures and thay all pitchures of wite men and That Is Racist!!!! We dont cair eny more that theeze guys thay fownded The collidge and invented stufff and Discuvered stufff and aslo rote stuff and doughnated “lots of” dollers to the collidge It dont mater eny more thay are wite so evry Thing thay done It Dosnt Count!!!!

Fromb now “on” only Pitchures of Minorites and Wimmin wil be aloud in Collidge Haul and some Deen he sayed it wasnt rihght so we slashed his car tyres for Socile Jutstus!!! that whil teech himb to “keeep” his mowth shut!! and we aslo mooved the Statchue of pressadint Obamma into the midle “of” The Haul and evry boddy thay has to bough downe to it wenevver thay see “it” or else thay gett Put “intoo” Sensertivitty Traning untill thare Minds are rihght!!! We was gointo throwe them In the oven but it is “not” big ennuohgh! and it is two bad we culdnt becose “thAt” woud reely Hellp Minorites a lott!!

Aslo it makes yiu feeel reel Good abote yore Self wen yiu hellps Minorites and Wimmin!!!

Science: Grown-Up Libs Still Have Imaginary Friends REPRINT

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From April 27, 2019

Incredibly rigorous research by Settled Science “R” Us has found that liberals–especially politicians and college professors–have imaginary friends all throughout their adult lives.

“The science is settled, so shut up already!” said Dr. X, who wishes to remain anonymous. “A lot of people have imaginary friends while they’re little kids, but big libs have ’em all their lives.”

Why do grown-up liberals have imaginary friends?

“First, what other kind can they get?” said Dr. X. “But second, and more importantly, who else but an imaginary person is going to provide the liberal with the constant reassurance he needs that he’s really, really smart, infinitely more virtuous than all those people he hates, and much, much nicer than everybody else? No real person is ever going to do that!

“You can’t help feeling kind of sorry for them. They think they’re so terribly smart, but they’re mostly rather stupid. They think they’re good and kind–well, that’s a lie! They think they do everything from the purist motives. That’s a laugh. Really, if they didn’t do so much freakin’ damage to the country, you could almost take up a collection for them. They haven’t got the ghost of a suspicion of how obnoxious they are. And they are appalled and mystified that ordinary people don’t bow down to them and acknowledge their greatness. Ah, me! Being the smartest persons in the world–it’s a thankless job!”

Liberals who do not yet have an imaginary friend, he added, can always get one just by watching CNN or MSNBC. “You’d be surprised how many of them have adopted one of the noozies they see on TV every night,” said Dr. X. “They love getting interviewed on an imaginary Sunday talk show by one of their imaginary friends–and they get a real charge out of it when Rachel Maddow or somebody praises them on international TV. That none of it’s real is something they lose track of rather quickly.”

Is this study saying, then, that the average adult liberal is… crazy?

“As a bedbug,” said Dr. X.

 

Our Universities: Waste, Waste, Waste REPRINT

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Cynical Theories - Audiobook

From November 3, 2020

This was an unusual book review for me to do because the content of Critical/Cynical Theories is about as close as you can come to pure gibberish while still using the alphabet. It’s not the authors’ fault, but that’s what you get when you quote the Far Left Crazy.

https://chalcedon.edu/blog/critical-cynical-theories-a-book-review

The authors, a couple of liberals, fear that the Far Left will go too far and drive everybody else into the arms of the Far Right. Can’t happen soon enough, sez I.

As you plod through the verbal swamps of Far Left babble, you can’t avoid being appalled by the colossal waste that is “higher education”–waste of money, time, effort, and anything else that they can think of wasting. The billions of dollars spent every year to generate this garbage and drill it into the empty heads of gullible students constitutes a sin: the sin of incontinence. The money would be better spent on amusement parks.

The American people need to wake up and realize that they’re being scammed, if not outright robbed. For all the money they spend on higher education, they’re only getting garbage for it. As for the alumni who support these idiot factories with lavish gifts of money, shame on them: they have to stop doing it.

This is the result of insisting that everyone, no matter how intellectually undistinguished, must go to college.

Read a few chapters of this book and see if your head doesn’t start pounding.

 

REPRINT A Interllectural He Says Whatt to Doo Abuot Our Nattinal Parks Being Racist

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From May 21, 2016

I am hear by poplar deemand today to tel yiu whatt Us interllecturals say whe got to do abuot Our nachonal parks being Racist. Acturely i dont thinke that stopid dop lee he had a bad ideer abot sayin Our innard cittys ouhgjt to be caled Natonal parks that wuld be grate But we got to doo somthing abuot them parkes we alreddy has so that Minorites wil feeel wellcom in them. And aslo get ridd of too much wite peple. So Okay hear’s waht we do.

One, blow up all them wite mail racist heads on Mont Rush More and thay shuld aslo chang the nayme becose thare shuldnt be no monttin naymed after that Big fat Racist Rushh Limbo, thay mustt get rid of al them Wite heads and replase them with Black heads Our Beloved Presdint O’Bomma and His wyfe The First Laddy and aslo Opera Windfree and May be Beyondsay becose Her musick its so grate.

Too, Go inta al the other Parks “and” hang up Speekers on al the Trees and them speekers thay wil Play Rap Musick reel loud! Play it 25-7!

Threee, evry Park it shuld got to have Stores ware the peple can by Lottry tickits and aslo Thay “can” loot the stores anytime thay Want.

And fore, git rid “of” al them Park Rangers becose thay way tooo much like The Polise and nachrally Minorites thay skared the Rangers thay wil shooot them.

Yiu kno waht? them Minorites thay are Luckky that us Interllecturals we are arond to think Up al theese things for them that is becose Whe are alyas the “Friends of” the Opresed and whe are Socail Justiss Worriers whoo fihgjt for there rihghts and we “Make Sure” their is plente of Divversigty and any boddy who is Not diversst thay shuld be shot!!

‘The Calecktid Wizdumb of Joe Collidge’ REPRINT

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From May 21, 2021

Home Cleaning Tips for Cleaning Crayon Off Walls

(When I was in first grade–or was it kindergarten?–I got in huge trouble for drawing with crayons on the tiled wall of the vestibule, where the teacher had confined me for some minuscule transgression. I drew a picture of a bank robber carrying a bag of money out of a bank. I thought it was rather good, but the teacher called the janitor to wipe it off.)

Great News! Fumble House Pulbishers plan to publish The Calecktid Wizdumb of Joe College, if they can find someone to transcribe it after Joe scrawled it in crayon on the wall of the Trotsky Dorm’s second-floor shower room. But let’s let Joe speak for himself.

***

Hi its me Joe Collidge and i “amb” a Awther!!!! i has writed a Book “to Hellp” awl yiu dum and stoopid ordrinery peeple be Smart-er,, “allmost” as Smart as yiu wood “be” iff yiu wented To Collidge!!!

Wen yiu “are dun” reeding This yiu wil Under-stand that Souper Heeroes thay “are” reel and Trans-ginder it is The Fewtcher and Captiallism it is Bad and Yiu Are Awl no-good stinkin Racists!!!!!! And yiu whil “notbe” Abul To Sleeep “with” “out” a pixture of HILLARY tayped to yore Bedd!!!!!!!!! And other good stuph tooo!

Somb Hater Biggit thay “asskt” me haow cumb i “writed” “it” on the Bath Rhoomb wawl whith “Crayyons” in sted “of” Payper butt “he” jist runned A-whay wen I stratted Skreeming Racist at himb and ye,lling “foar” the Campas Dyvercity Squawd!!!! Thay cumb and give me Play-Doh “to” clam me daown!!!!!

I amb sapozed “to” Get somb Big Munny foar “this” hear Boock butt frist I has to pay themb A Thowzind Dolors butt thats OK thay tolled me “awl” awthers and wrighters thay awlyaws has To “do” That!!!!!!