I reely hate To reed books Becose reeding “it” is Racist but i tryed to Reed “This” one becose a Musslum he rote it!! i dint espect It “to” be intresting becose it was abote “a” bird The Maltees Falkin thare was Some kind Of bird “on” the cuvver but I reddit becose the guy whoo rote It “he” is a Musslum named Dashel Mohamet.
Hear at Collidge we has now be Interllecturals so we dont Reely has got to reed no books but this “heer” book it didnt Make No sentse!!! I seen thru it rihght aweighy! It was all abote This guy Sam Spayed and i thinked thats a Funny “name” becose My father he keeeps sayin i shuld ouhght to get Spayed but this hear guy “he is” a Privet Eiye and that “is” two mutch like A Cop! so wye wuld i evver whant “to be” Spayed i dont like himb!!!
and I kepped whaiting to reed “some” Musslum stuph but thare Wasnt anny!!! Jist al this Racist stopid stufff abote some “bird” i think it had Maltees in it and i lyke Maltees as mutch “As Any” boddy expesally wen I amb whaching a Movie but I dont know “Why” any “boddy” wuld whant to Wrihght a hole book about Maltees in a burd!!!! it is a fragrent ixample of Wite Prifflidge!! and I assked my Self waht kind Of Musslum “is” Dashel Mohamet anny weighy???
so I diddnt whant to reed anny moar it was Making my Moth Antenners hurt somthing offal!!! it Maid me hongry too and i diddnt has no jim sox so I had to eet a Bo Tie insted! I dont think Ties thay wil evver replase jim sox!
A Social Justice Studies professor at Mordor State University has sued a fictional character for “making people think I’m him.”
Dr. Che Lastima says the well-known comic character, Mr. Bean, was purposely created by racists to be an identical duplicate of him, “so as to make my students laugh at me,” he told several random passers-by. “They even got him sitting on a chair on top of a car, because I do that.”
The lawsuit, filed at Porky’s Mini-Golf Park across the street from the campus, demands that Mr. Bean’s creators, if they can be found, pay the professor $895 million in damages. No one at Porky’s, which is closed until Memorial Day, was available for comment.
“I’ll show them they can’t do this to an intellectual!” said the professor.
I amb hear to tel yiu ordinary Dum peeple “abote” Artafishiul Intelerginse that meens Roebots! Thare is a guy he “Is” in Jappan he sais he is “Going” To has roebots and Cumputers run his hole Town and thare wont be No Moar stopid peeple “Trying To” do it!!
Hear at Collidge wee “are” wirking on Roebots thay wil do Evry Thing and us Interllecturals al we Wil has to do fromb now On is studdy moar Gender Studies and rite Cow Boy potery and play whith Play Doe!!! Exept our Prefessers thay dont Whant Roebots “to” do thare prefessering Becose then thay wuldnt has no jobbs!!
Wel the Thing abote Roebots “is” thay al gots Cumputers in thare branes so thay Are alyawys Smart and thay cant nevver make No misteaks!!! Becose Artafishiul Intelerginse it is Better “then” Reel Intelerginse in fact’d Thay are a Lot like “Mr. Spoque in” Star Treck and if Artafishiul Intelerginse it was Voting insted of stopid dum peple Hillery she wuld Be our Pressadint!!!
My prefesser he sayes Artafishiul Intellerginse it shuld jist “do” Evry Thing becose Work Blows! and no boddy thay shuld nevver has to Work no moar exept al them dum and stopid christins and oncet we got Artifishiul Intelerginsse Up and Runing then we Can “get rid” of Boarders and give Anmesty to al the Undoctaminted Immergrints in the whorld!!!! and aslo Free Stuff to Evry Boddy exept wite hetrosexial Mails!!
This hear It “is The” Waive Of The Futre!
Wuld yiu beleave it?? i acturelly Fourgot I was ellected to the Stodent Soviet “And” I misssed a buntch of Meetings!! so i maid Sure “I” shoed up Last Nihght “and it”” was a good Thing I “did” becose wee has voted To bann the Bibel fromb our campas!!!
Whe desided to “do” it becose the Collidge LGBTQIAMW Inclution Concil thay Asked “us” to done it becose thare “is” Alll that hat speach in the Bibel and lots of christin Prifflidge tooo! so nowe yiu cant Has no Bibel hear at Collidge and yiu “beter” Not becose iff we ketch yiu whith One we will Take It “away” and aslo put yiu in Sensertiffity Traning like fourevver!!!!
and than some Ijjit he sayed Wel waht abote “our Freedem to reed any Thing we wannt?? so” six of us wee jist Beet him “up” he is only A Racist annyweiy!! Freedem meens yiu shuld auhght to reed jist the Book’s “on The” List!!! The Books that thay Are “not” on the List yiu cannt reed becose thay got hat speeach in them!! And aslo tooo meny Big Wirds witch them wirds thay are Micro Agrecian!! and aslo Triger Wirds!
Wel i amb prowed of “waht” wee done Lasst Nihght and neckts time may be we Wil bann Moar Racist Book’s!!
Hear at Collidge our Stodent Soviet thay jist fowned “out” abote Dart-Mouth Collidge Liberry thay now “has” Got Femmanist Geogerphy (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10713) and “so” thay Has “voted” we Going “To” has it tooo!! That whey It “wil” Help us get ridd “of” Masculinnest Pracktuses!
I dont “think” we had no Geogarphy in “high” scool so at frist i dint “know” waht It “is” butt that is al Cleered up now!! The Siance of Geogarphy it is al abote stuff it is reel Hard to spel!!!! Butt one thing it Cann do is Helpe us “to” under stand that Men who eet meat thay are Racists and thay amb “up-hold Toxick Macsulinnaty!! Wimmins who eet meat thay are Good!
Wel we jist Cant weight to learn Al Abote Femmanist Theery and Methadolajee it will Make us evin Smarter! then we are Allreddy!! Some Racist he sayed Geogerphy it “is” abote ware things are and plaices and Contenints so we beet him up!!! My prefesser he sayed Geogorphy it is al abote Changing The “Whirld!!”
Sombtimes Collidge it is Hard becose yiu nevver runs Out “of” New stuff to larn and aslo al the Time yiu “hasto” fihght Aginst Wite Prifflidge and Racism and Climbit Change De Nile! Sombtimes yiu jist dont Got “the” Strenth to do nothing but “make” them Litle Snow Persons out “Of” Play-Doh i maid a litle Pressadint OBoma and we warshippped him!!!
When can you be absolutely sure a looniversity has way too much money?
When it starts handing out $10,000 grants to professors who employ “feminist ethics and methodologies” in their research, on topics like “Feminist Perspectives on Food Waste” and “Gendered and Racialized Epistemologies” (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10688). The looniversity here is U Cal Davis.
And they’re doing it with your money, suckers. Money that you worked for. They’ve got this Feminist Research Institute that forks over your money to the silliest damnfool projects they can find. Then they laugh at you.
And you send your sons and daughters to these looniversities because_______. Gee, I keep doing that and no one has yet made a serious attempt to fill in the blank.
Maybe there ought to be a contest, with a cash prize to anyone who can cogently explain what “feminist ethics and methodologies” might be. A win here could be the start of a great career in comedy.
Higher education, hot dog! Wasting your money by the truckload–and despising you while they do it.
Man thay has done a Grate thing in Cannader and gess wHat, we doing itt hear at Collidge!! too.
See thay got this Sumer Jobbs thing in Cannader for stodents, only Now yiu cant Get “one” Unlest yiu sine “this hear Staytmint that it says Yiu suport the Rihght to A Bortion! that whay none “Of” them no-good Rihght “to” Lyfers thay cant get no sumer jobbs!!!
So laset Nihghht our Stodent Soviet thay votted to not let any Boddy “eet” In the Campas Caffateeria unlest yiu sine a Staytmint it sayes Yiu suport A Bortion and aslo yiu has got “to” say yiu Suport Trans Gender Rihghts and aslo Gay Marridge and aslo Hillery she shud Be Pressadint!!!! Thenn yiu Get “a” spatial Card it says yiu O-K to eet in “The” caffateeria! yiu got to show The Card ohtherweyes you dont get nothing “to eet!! And thagt whay wee can Keep Out any Racist Biggits whoo thay are Not InClusieve!!!
Thiss hear Actshin by “the” Stodent Soviet it puts “our” Collidge rihght thare in The four-front of Progrestive Human Rihghts! and any Boddy thay dont Like it wel Thay “can” jist do whith-out No Foood!!!
In our Sexism and Opresion class “this Morning” we lernt abote this hear “book” it is caled The Grate Ghatsby and “it is” all full-up Whith hetronomratiffity and Wite Prifflidge and triger “Words” only It “was” Harrd for me “To” pay atension becose My Moth Antenners thay was itchin somthing feerce!!
Anyhow this guy Ghatsby he was a hindoo or somthing “and” he got reel Ritch selling Boots and things and he “had” this hear grate Big Huose on some Iland i think “it” was Sissaly or some “place” Like that and he was “in” Luv whith this hear Wimmim her “name” it was Dazy and she was like all reddy “maried” to some ritch ghye but Ghatsby he got to has Dazy only she run Over some Ohther guye or maybe it Was some ohther guys Whife,, i dont know i “Had” reely bad itchy then..mayby I misssed somthing! and then Ghatsby he got shott!!!
Now thiss Sexist Racist storey it Is importted becose “it” re-deuces all Wimmins to being Hand-mades thay is got to has Babys for christins and nevver is aloud to get a bortion! Oo that makes me Mad!! and that “is” whye this hear Book it got to be Band!!! so no boddy thay is aloud “to” reed it no moar!! so affter she lernt it to us and she toled us All “abote it” the prefesser she throwed the Book “on The” flore and jumpped Up and Downe on it wile wee alll Chantered Hillery, Hillery, Hillery!!!
And now i gess yiu can see howe Us Intrerllecturels we get “so” Smart “at” Collidge!!
Joe Collidge hadn’t yet fully developed his distinctive style when he wrote this, in 2015, to warn readers off my books: but certainly his heart was in it.
Important announcement: My book, The Glass Bridge, does not cost $1,993.62 in paperback. That is an error (to say the least!). The actual price is $18.
Don’t you get tired of this age? I sure do. Don’t you get tired of movies and books in which everybody stinks and nobody’s a hero?
We really do have to get out from under the spiritual yoke that self-proclaimed intellectuals have laid across our necks.