‘Washington State: White Students “Must Defer to Minorities”‘ (2015)

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This nooze is five years old; but college has been rotting on the vine longer than that.

Here’s another instance of university presumption, arrogance, and cowardice.

Washington State: White Students ‘Must Defer to Minorities’

Because the “educators” in question were too asinine for words, I turned them over to Joe Collidge, the only one around here who could appreciate them. (Good grief! Have I been writing Joe Collidge for five years?)

The more they yammer about “diversity,” the less diversity they tolerate.

We pay them to educate our sons and daughters. We must be as crazy as they are.

We Luve Femmanist Miusik!!!!!

Lasst nihght At collidge we hadded “a” Consort to raze Bale munny fore Mosely Pieceful Potessters who “got” a restid by no-good Racist Copps!!!! And i was so exited “becose” I hered John Lenin he “was” goingto Be “thare”!!! JOHN LENIN,, man!!! Whow!! Butt at “The” lasst Minnit he coodnt maik It so we hadded to has Femmanist Miusik insted like in The Viddio!!!! Jist ignoar that Racist Biggit who keeps tawking!! He is ownly Trying “to” maik Fun “of” the gratest miusik evver!!!!!!!!

At frist thay woodnt Let “me” “in” becose i didnt has no Munny and that maid me Cry so thenn thay let me in foar Freee!!!!

Waht beuttafull miusik it whas!!!! And they done it agan and agan “fore” threee hole Ours until sumb Hater comed in whith “A” Preest to do a Exersissum and we “got” Scaired and runned aweigh wee coodnt help “it”!?!

I thinck Evry Boddy it shood “be” Cumpolsarrie to lissen “to” Femmanist Miusik Evry “day”!!!! I amb goingto Popoze “it” to The Stoodint Soviet neckst tymb we Meat!!!!!! it is watt John Lenin hisself he wood’of whanted!!!

And thenn we All “got in” Trubble foar Not Waring spacial Faice Maksks untill “the” Deen she sayed Nevvir Mined,,, the Vyris it wood nevvir Infest peeple whoo was lissening “To” Femmanist Miusik!!!!

Keeep Themb Parints out Of The skools!!!

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Can yiu beleeve it?!? Bizzyboddy Deploaribble Parints thay “are” Trying “to” fined Out watt thair kidds thay “are” Lurning in Skool!!!!! and it isnt nun Of “thair” Bizniss!!!

Hear at Collidge us Interllecturals “in” “the” Stoodint Soviet we has fowned Out aboat theeze heer Parints in Tennissea or sombplaice thay doughnt Whant “to” Sine a Waver prombissing “That” thay woont lissin In “on” vertchule Class Roombs to heer wat The Teechers thay are Teeching thair kidds!!!! Thay has somb Nurve!!!!!!!

And yiu know its Ownly becose thay whant “To” nott lett thair kids lurn Abuot Trans Gender and Sistamick Racism and beeing Ghay and watt a No-good stinkin Racist Contry Americka it is!!!!! thay “jist” whant themb to Lurn stoopid stuph lyke “Histry” and “Matth” and “Inglish” and haow To “tell Tyme” exedra!!!!!!

Somb of the stoodints heer At Collidge thay has “vertchule class Roombs” tooo whith Compyouters “and” thay ken has Classes wile thay “are” At Hoam!! And we doughnt whant themb “Intrafeard” whith Bye thair stoopid Famblies!!!!! and we has figgred Out a “whay” To Stopp Itt!!!!

Fromb naow On the “kon-tent” of the lessins thay whil Be Kept Seacrit even fromb the Stoodints!!!! That whay iff Parints thay lissin in thay woont Here Nothing!!!!!

Us Interllecturals we awlyaws Out Smartt themb stoopid Famblies!!!!

We has Banneded Wite Peeple!!!

The Insanity of Self-Censorship: Climate Change, Politics, and ...

Heer at the Stoodint Soviet we has “bin” wundering lyke Crazy “wat” To Ban necksed!!! One gye he “whanted” “to” ban Vowelcaynose butt we hasnt got one “Of” thoze! Somb boddy Elss thay whanted to Ban meeat and maik evry boddy “be” Veggians but It have all reddy bin done lots “Of” tymes “and” wee whanted somb Thing noo!!!!! And then finelee our cheaf commassarr ze sayed we shood Ban Wite Peeple!!!!!

First we thinked It “was” “a” Grate Idear but thenn sumb Boddy thay sayed but “moast Of us wee Are wite” “and haow Are we sapozed to Ban Our Selfs??”?” Wel as yiu Can eezally amajin it reely Puzzzled us foar Quyte A Wile!!!! Butt that “was” ownlie untill sumb Boddy elss thay sayed we cood “jist” “Ban” the lettor W!!!!! Jist not say it Or rite It anny moar!!!!!!!!! So iff we whanted “to” say frinstints “Awl wite peeple They “are” Racists then” we wood has to say “Awl Ite peeple thay “Are” Racists!!!””! And wurds like With and Wash and Wommbat thay wood be Ith and Ash and Ommbat!!! Watt cood “be” Simmpuller??? OOps!! I shood of sayed Att cood be Simmpuller! This heer it “is” “nott” as Eezy as it Loooks!!!

Of coarse it “is” diffakult to think Of “al that” menny Ords (sea, i got it that tyme!!) Itch has a W in themb!!! i cood onlee think of Nyne oar Ten my self!!!! And then sumb Boddy thay sayed “Itts hot in heer, open a Winn Doe”” and he shoor gotted a Saprize wen–oh dam! He got beet up and then i got beet up for not saying En!!! My moth antenners thay all-most gotted puled Out “bye” The rooots!!!!!

If thiss it Orks out then E Ill Ban anether Lettor neckst Eeek!!!!!!

 

My Newswithviews Column, Aug. 6 (‘When “Smart” Is Stupid’)

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See? It rained on these rocks and now they’ve got moss growin’ on ’em! It’s a Scientific Fact!

Don’t you just love it when pseudo-intellectuals cook up a new word to wrap around the same old bullschiff? Like, for instance, “abiogenesis.”

When ‘Smart’ is Stupid

Well, damn, “spontaneous generation,” nobody believes that anymore! But they might believe it if we call it something else and let on that it’s a Scientific Fact. You have to believe Scientific Facts!

“Oh, it rain on de rocks an’ de rocks come alive, doo-dah, doo-dah…”

‘Fooling the Experts: A Great Shakespeare Hoax’ (2017)

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We shut down the whole economy because the Experts told us it was necessary.

In 1796 the Experts also swore Vortigern and Rowena was a 100% genuine William Shakespeare play. Turned out they were wrong.

Fooling the Experts: A Great Shakespeare Hoax

Even after it was exposed as a hoax, even after the 19-year-old perpetrator confessed and told exactly how he did it, some of the Experts still insisted it was the real thing. It didn’t fool the actors in the play, but it fooled all the Experts.

How do you get to be an Expert, anyway?

We Has Ficksed our Pressadint Obomma Statchoo!!

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Heer “at” our Collidge we has bin tearrably Up-Set evir Sints “we” axadently puled down “our” Statchoo of Pressadint Obomma and then his Hed it fell offf!!!!!!! And evry tyme we tryed “to” gloo it back On it falled offf Agan!!! And then fynly it falled off and Broak in peeces!!!!!!

We werr Saposed “to” maik a Hyumin Sackrafeice to Pressadint Obomma “so” he woodnt “Get” mad and putt a Cursse “on” us butt No One volinteered and evry one we Picked thay runned Away!!! We kepped Trying To sackryce somb boddy,, anny boddy,, butt In The Meen Time a memmber Of “our” Stoodint Soviet xe hased a Brilllyint Idear!!!!!!!!!!

Wye doughnt “we maik a niew Hed “out” Of Play-Doh and putt “that” On “the” Statchoo???”? Xe is a jeaniass!!! So wee Got our “bessed” Art Stoodint and he maid A “moddle” witch yiu can Sea “in” The pitchture Up top!!! Alll we kneaded “to” “do” was get A Hole Buntch of Play-Doh and role It “into” a big Bawll and thenn puit Eyes & Mowth & Knose on it jist lyke In the pitchture!!! And we Maid It mutch Bigger then the Orginul so Pressadint Obomma wood reely lyke It and thend We Jist Stuck It On the Statchoo and it “was” purfict!!!!!!

Well!!! that it is A Lode offf our meynds!!!! We got It ficksted beefour the Korny Vyris it cood wype us Out!!! Nhow we “can” Go “back” to fillossafie and stuph!!!!

Wor ‘On” Witeniss!!!

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If hes so Smart how come he got no clotheses on?

We hased a meating of the Stoodint Soviet and we “are” goingto Wor!!!!! Wor on Witeniss! We are goingto “maik” Rooles aginst all themb things “that” “are” part of beeing Wite!!!

So fromb nhow “on” heer at Collidge,, we are goingto Get Ridd “of” Rashinull Thawt and Harred Whork and Intacked Famblies watever thay “are!!!”! Becose themb are al prat of beeing Wite and that maikes “themb” Racist!!!!

It “is” goingto to-be Harred to brake freee of Rashinull Thawt but somb “of” us thay are all-reddy thare!!!!! We are goingto Re-Plaice it with Un-Rashinull Thawt and anny boddy whoo is still Rashinull thay wil get beet Up and then has to go for Sensertivy Traning!!!

We all-reddy gotted Rid Of harred whork wen we brawt in Nothing Studdies!!!

As as four Famblies, fromb nhow On yiu cant has a Fambly and iff yiu say yiu do that meens Yiu Are A Racist!!!

We are stil Trying “to” ficks Pressadint Obommba’s Statchoo that we axadently pullled Down “and” broak “the” hedd offf it!!!

July’s a Disaster

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G’day–or not. Byron the Quokka here, and it’s official: here at this blog, July’s a disaster.

Daily viewership is down by 120 views a day. Ouch! But that’s only the blog. If you think we’re having a picnic at Quokka University, think again!

We have lost our most celebrated special guest lecturer before the semester even starts. Professor Aristotle Bottle, “the one-man philosophy course,” the Living Legend of Smartness, world-renowned author of Wet Wood Burns the Best–holy cow, we’re not gonna have him! He has been hospitalized after attempting to prove that an open manhole cover does not necessarily imply the existence of a manhole. Broke his coccyx going down.

Well, I’m glad we haven’t charged any money for his lectures, and I’m glad we didn’t pay him up front. But how do you replace a superstar like that?

We’re open to suggestions!

‘Are’ yiu Hungary For Sporets??

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Things thay “are” geting kindof harred hear At collidge becose we Are “Runing” Out “of” food!! i doughnt know whye,, thare jist Isnt no Foood combing in! it stoped groing Or sombthing!!

We aslo hasnt Got “no” sporets becose Of “the” Corny Vyris evvrything it “Is” alll shut Down. Whell!!! The Base Ball teem thay “are” “not” playing any Base Ball and so no boddy thay are Using the ballls and every boddy thay are saying “wee “Are” Hungary fore Base Ball we whant Base Ball!!!

Neckst thing We “knowed,” this hear Laydy Mrs. Skinnard she combed up “whith” Food!! She muts be “a” Jeaniuss!!!! Yiu know whatt she didded??? She maided Steuw out “of” themb Base Balls, she maided Base Ball Steuw!!! and she Evin has got “a” Slowgin,, “”Are Yiu Hungary fore Base Ball?? Trye Mrs. Skinnard’s Innards”!!” Becose it “is” The Innards of themb Base Balls that “Are” In “the” steuw fore yiu To eet!!!!!!! It is kindof Stringie becose thay are Lotts of String in a Base Ball butt iff yiu puts lotts “Of” Sault in it then It doughnt tayst So Bad!!!! She sayed she tryed to “use” “the” Base Ball Covers tooo but “thay” whir tooo Harred to choo and Swallow!!!!

Then wee tryed to ficks the Statchoo “of” Pressadint Obomma it broak wen we puled “it” daown that Was “a” Mis-Steak and then his Hed it fell offf and we coodnt Gloo “it” back so we maided a new Hed out “of” A “punkin” and that is probbly Wye “our Foood” it stoped groing!!!!! Wel, at leest nhow we “got” Mrs. Skinnard’s Innards we can eet!!!!