We Get Moar Woak Evry Day!!!!

Artificial respiration | Britannica

Heer “at” Collidge we alyaws “are” Try to get moar and maor Woak becose yiu Jist cant “get” Tooo Woak!!!! and So our Stoodint Soviet we has voated “to” Ban Artrafissile Repserration AND aslo CPR!!!!!

As yiu can sea fromb “The” pixture,, theez heer things they can maik yore Arms and Leggs fawl offf!!!!!!! but that isnt wye we band themb!!

No! Wee band Artrophycial Rasporassion becose It Is Kisssing!!!! It is Kisssing whith-oat Consent!!!!!!!!! Waht cood be moar Secksist???

And CPR it “is” jist “the” saim!!!! It is dooing somb thing To somb boddy whith-oaut thare Con-Sent!!!!! I mean comb on Man (pressadint Bydin he sayes That al “the” Tyme!!)!!! Lyke, watt “iff” thay doughnt Whant no CPR??? Watt iff “thay” doughnt whant no Icky Perdson who probbly has The Vyris kisssing themb???

Whell of coarse The Woak Thing “to do” is to jist leeve themb Aloan!!!!!!!!!!

We “Are” alll prowd Of our Woak=ness heer!!!

Somb Hater he sayed whell yiu “doughnt ask” a Baybe’s Con-Sennt befoar yiu has a Bortion, do yiu???? Butt we jist beet “himb” up!!!!!

One of the World’s Worst Novels, Revisited

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Byron the Quokka bet me some gummy bears against a pound of eucalyptus leaves that I couldn’t re-read St. Brigid’s Bones without the rest of my hair falling out and my toes getting fused together. I didn’t dare take him up on it.

Every now and then you run into a novel that’s unforgettably bad, truly awesome in its awfulness: you can scarce believe it’s the work of human beings. St. Brigid’s Bones, by Philip Freeman, is worse than that.

You’d think it’d be fascinating to visit Ireland a few years after St. Patrick died, and watch the early days of an Irish Church that would go on to evangelize all Northern Europe. But being bombarded with cliches for a couple hundred pages will beat that out of you.

The street-smart nun (and they don’t even have streets!). The stern old abbess whose best friend is the local druid. They hang out and gossip together. The evil villain abbot who gets the tar waled out of him by the street-smart nun. A mystery that turns into just another shaggy dog story. This book has everything but athlete’s foot.

It leaves me wondering not only how books like this get published, but how they even get written in the first place. It can’t be that the author is so out of touch with contemporary culture that he simply can’t recognize a soap opera or an action movie cliche when he sees one. If he were that far out, he never would’ve learned to write at all. The author of this monstrosity is a respected academic. Which tells us something about our ability to assess the worth of any academic.

How do books this bad get written? I mean, I’ve read so many of them! Where do they come from?

I open the floor for discussion.

‘Most Fantastic Education Reform Ever!’ (2017)

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Imagine a country in which every adult has a Ph. D.: in which every adult has to stay in college full-time until he gets one. Wow! 300 million Ph.D.’s, and then some!

Most Fantastic Education Reform Ever!

It might take you 25 years to earn your doctorate in Superhero Studies, but it’d be worth it! And think of the talent pool available for Mostly Peaceful Protests! Why, we’d achieve Pure Socialism in a matter of weeks!

We would all be “doctors.” That’s a plus!

A Cure? Hell, No, We Don’t Want a Cure!

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Tish-tosh! 203 over 114 is not high blood pressure! It’s just different–and something not to be cured, but celebrated!

If you had a disability that could be corrected, or at least made less onerous, would you rather have the cure–or a bunch of academic pinheads “celebrating” you as “differently abled”? Sheesh, it’s not even proper English.

I have received an email describing this nonsense; and my sister, a healthcare professional, says it’s a “movement” that’s been gathering speed over the past few years. I am not going to name the school mentioned in the email, nor use any of the real names cited. Idiots are idiots no matter what you call ’em.

So they’re having a conference at Fimbo State to consider whether they should just forget about “curing” anything and instead trying to convince the disabled person to “flourish” in his mere “difference.”

Wow! I guess I can just throw my blood pressure pills out the window now and “celebrate” the fact that my blood pressure is just plain “different” and isn’t that just hunky dory? Sure takes the heat off the medical profession, don’t it?

The university is truly awe-inspiring as a fountainhead of genuinely bad ideas.

We could do nothing better than to cut off the funding. Now. Today.

Locke Themb Alll Up!!!!

In jail just visiting space on a Monopoly Game Board Stock Photo - Alamy

Man did we has a Grate Lexture yeasterday!!! It “was” a guessed speeker from Gorge Sauros “and” she hased a trooly Reviloosionairy idear!!!!!

Locke up Evry Boddy witch dougnt Agreee whith us!!!!! Locke themb Up in Jale!!! and aslo doughnt lett themb evver “say” nothing Ever Agin!!!!!! Ownly “then” wil we has reel Jenuwine Damockracee!!!!!!!!

Somb ijjit he Asked “woodent That “be” Un-constatwosional??”” so we beet himb Up!!!! and aslo “the” lexturer she sayed “That thare Consatwosion it is Racist so we doughnt Want it no moar!”!”!”

She aslo poynted Out that lock-ing all themb dum stopid peeple In “jale” IT WOOD PUT 700 MILLIAN WIMMIN BACK “TO” WHORK!!!!!!!!!! And pressadint Bydin he “thinks” So tooo!! Thare wil “be” pullenty “of” Jobs jist tayping Duck Taype ohver thayre Mouwths!!!

And aslo all themb stopid ordrinery peeple “in” Jale thay whil has to Sine plejjes to beleeve Evry Thing that “the” Guvvermint it tells “themb” Fromb Nhow On!!!! We whil Caul “it” “The” Demockracee Plegj!!!!! and iff yiu doughnt Sine it yiu wil Not “be” aloud to eet enny Foood!!!!

Heer “at” Collidge we “Are” awlyaws maiking A Beter Fewtchure!!!!!!!!

Oxford U: No More Sheet Music! (It’s Racist)

The Oxford University Music Dept. is thinking about getting rid of sheet music… because it’s “too colonial” and tainted with “complicity in white supremacy” (https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3946344/posts).

(Sorry, had to get that out of my system.)

Yes, the ability to read music is obviously a product of white supremacy and must be done away with. Like classical music itself. No more Mozart, no more Beethoven–only rap matters.

Ah, well, they’ve already turned most of our popular music into garbage; and someday the only way you’ll ever hear Beethoven’s 9th Symphony again is if some old man is whistling it while he shaves and he’s left the bathroom window open.

And you thought our American colleges were the only ones this full of crap!

Why Not ‘Insertion Poetry’?

5 Funny Poets You Need to Read - Blog | Study Abroad | Higher Education  Magazine | Summer Program

Okay! We’ve got “erasure poetry,” in which some ninny blacks out or otherwise deletes words and phrases from a poem that somebody else wrote, to produce a new poem which looks very like gibberish. But if you can make new poems by taking stuff out of old ones, which not create new poems by putting something… in?

Voila! Insertion poetry! Like so:

Jack and Jill went [off to Brazil]/ to fetch a [poisonous tree frog]/ Jack [climbed a tree] and broke his [knee],/ and Jill came tumbling [onto a wart hog].

Gee, it’s sort of like Mad Libs without the blanks. It works with prose, too:

Fourscore and seven years ago, our [capitalist warmongers] brought forth a new [chicken coop], conceived in [J.P. Morgan’s private office] and dedicated to [cut-throat business practices] and [unrestrained drunkenness]…

This is bound to catch on at every university and college in America. Shall I compare thee to a [bowl of watery oatmeal]? Presto! Shakespeare’s poem is now your poem! It does wonders for the self-esteem.

Just goes to show ya: our intellectuals never run out of really dumb ideas.

Whare Is Jimb Crow???

Cartoon Crow High Resolution Stock Photography and Images - Alamy

Sumbtimes a Collidge eddicasion it jist “blohs” yore Mynd!!!! and yiu think “”Haow come i nevver” “knowed this befour”??”

Yeasterday in Nothing Studdies we “lernt” awl aboat this heer Jimb Crow guy whoo “Is” aginst Pressadint Bydin and tryying “to” tern Amarica Intwo a Capptallist Countrie whith Chrischins in “it”!!!!!!!! It terns owt that “he” Has “been” dooing This foar Menny Yeers!!!

I immeedjitlee Ask’ed “Whell then haow Come” “he isnt been A-restid and putt in Jale???”?” I meen, man, yiu Caint Do Things Lyke That!!!!!!!!

The prefesser she ansurred “Its becose No Boddy knoaws whare he “is”!! And aslo too he is disguyzed As “a” Crow and yiu has sceen crows,, haow Can yiu possablie Tel one fromb Anether??”?”

Impotent poynt:: Thare “is” eevin Evvadints that Jimb Crow and Donold Trumpt thay “Are” “the” saim Purson!!!!! Whel that wood axplane a Lot “of” things!!

And then comming Back fromb “the” lexture i sceen a hole Buntch of Crows thay wher rihght thare on Our Kampis and thare Whasnt one of themb Waring A Faice Mask!!!!! Oh the Horrar of It!!!!!!!! Then I knowtised nun of The Pidgins was Waring Masks Neether!!!!!!!! Waht cood i doo butt Run Awaiy?? it whas Tearrafying!!!!!! i gess the Crows has teached the Pidgins to be Anty-Scyince!!!!

We has got to doo sumb-thing to keeep “all” themb Burds offf “our” Kampis!!!!!

 

Feminist Crapola on Steroids

University of Hell Press

See? That’s the publisher’s logo. I’m not kidding. University of Hell.

But if they do publish books in Hell, they’ll publish this one–Erase the Patriarchy: an anthology of erasure poetry. No, I will not mention the author by name. I suspect she may be not all there.

But wait, there’s more! What is “erasure poetry,” anyway? Well, according to an erasure poetry website, it’s “a form of found poetry [someone else has already written it] wherein a poet [or a nitwit] takes an existing text and erases, blacks out, or otherwise obscures a large portion of the text, creating a wholly new work from what remains.” It can also serve as “a means of confrontation,” in case you feel the urge to confront a poem. At least a poem can’t grab your nose and twist it because it’s tired of hearing your babble.

This has gotta be college junk. No way this horse-schiff survives outside the looniversity.

What ever made the perky publicist think I’d want to review a road-apple called Erase the Patriarchy? I wouldn’t mind erasing academic feminists. Well, not really erasing them. Just sending them off to live on a planet with no men on it for them to harass. And if they wind up cutting each other’s throats–well, who knew that would happen?

Jack   went up    a pail   of    Jill    crown    after…

Wow. Erasure poetry. Eat your heart out, Dante.

This is what you get when your deluded society decides everyone just has to go to college, everyone, no more reserving it to scholars; and you flatten it out and dumb it down so even the most paltry intellects can harvest a degree. You get crapola. You get crapola on steroids.

Contest! Find one, just one, constructive use of erasure poetry, or one contribution, no matter how infinitesimally small, it could possibly make to the world… and win a tin foil dunce cap.

And hey out there! No turning my posts into Erasure Posts!

 

‘Can Fools Create Wise Computers?’ (2014)

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I like to re-run this piece now and then, because so many people seem to think computers will lead them to the promised land or something.  They seem to forget that these are inanimate objects–things created by human hands.

Can Fools Create Wise Computers?

Does it stand to reason nincompoops and sinners can create perfection? Paradise? That we don’t need God… because we’ve got Neil DeGrasse Tyson?

Yeahbut, yeahbut! They’ve got chess computers that are way better than chess masters! *Sigh* It’s only a simulation, dude. The super chess computers “know” only what human chess experts have programmed them to know. But in terms of consciousness, they don’t knoiw anything at all.