Tag: foolish intellectuals

Our New Yeer’s rezzalutoins!! REPRINT

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From January 4, 2019

Whell, jist in Time,, i joyned our collidge’s Pro Choyce Cacas! and thay has gived Us “alll” a liszt of New Yeer’s Rezzalutoins!! The Pro Choyce Cacas thay maded al Our “choyces” fore us,; how grate is that??? Al wee has to do Is “obay” themb!!!

And hear thay are!

We Rezolfe to whare only “the” Cloathes the Cacas says we “has” got to whare Evry Day!!

We Rezolfes to reed “The” Handmade’s Tail over and ovar agin and keap Reeding it so we know “it bye” hart!!

We rezolfes to get Inta Canfrontaycions whith christins and conserfatiffs Evry Day and keap Doingit “untill” thay Minds thay are rihght!!!

We rezolfes to go to Bed evry Nihght wen the Cacas say we shuld!

We rezolfe only “to” use themb brandnew Pro Nouns that the Cacas thay has jist maded Up,: like Gzee and Gzaa and Gzuu and Lunnabunna and a “lot of” Others,, i has not yett Bin Abel to memberyze themb alll, “thay are” for al the New Genders that has got “to be” Re-speckted!!! Al themb Old Pro Nouns thay “are” Trans Foabbick!!

Aslo we has got to say “the” F Bomb at leest Oncet in evry sentints becose this hear it Willl aleavvyate globbal Povverte and Sex Ism!! I all reddy started Doingit but that stopid lee he is “goingto” deeleet al my F Balms!! [Editor’s note: You got that right, Joe.]

And aslo tooo we Rezolfe to Hate all the hatters and biggits That are “arond” hear on the Campas and to Hate themb “until” thay jist Drop Dedd!!!!!

So thoze thay are all “The” Rezzalutoins that The Pro Choyce Cacas thay has choze for us!!

Trumpt’s name Reely Is Hat Speech! REPRINT

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From March 3, 2017

I has sumthing elsse To “tell” yiu abote today But first i has been aksed to waygh in “on” weather Donold Trumpt’s his Name it “is” hat speech!

Wel of corset is!! Hear at my Collidge nobody istnt aloud To “say” his name And iff yiu do yiu got To “get” Sensertivitty Training! Yiu onely aloud to Say “Pressadint Obamma or” Pressadint Hillery becose them Rushans Thay hacked The elecktoin and made Donold trumpt Pressadint and “it” wassnt fare!!! and iff yiu Dont say “Pressadint Obamma” that meens yiu Are A Racist and iff yiu Dont say Pressadint Hillery that meens yiu hat Wimmins and yiu Are “a” Secksist! i am Gladd yiu aksed me “to” explane This!

This mourning in Gender Studies 202 we lernt abote This hear Grate Book and it was aslo A Movie it was caled “The” Harrad Exspearmint and It “was” abote Harrad Collidge whare They done this Exspearmint al abote teeching Stodents to do sexule things That “Sociaty” disprooves of so that Thay wil “laern” to dispise the tredicional Consept “of” Moonagimmy by Having Lots of Pre-Martyral Sex!! Wow was that Grate!! and The prefesser he sayed this hear book And “then” the Movie it reely got the Sexule Reverlution offf The growned!!

And somboddy he Aksed The prefesser How “come” we dont Doo that hear at Our Collidge and he sayed “Wee has moved” on From that and now Wee got to get al the stodents to do Gender Fluaditty and aslo Gay Marridge! becose that was whatt Naterly comes neckst! And he aslo sayed that if we does enuhgh Secks that Donold Trumpt he wil Be drived out Of offfice! and Pressadint Obamma he will be Pressadint agian even thogh he Still is and he Wil fixx evrything and then He Wil go play Golph and it Wil “be” Hillerys tern to be Pressidint!!  How abote that!!!

I hoope yiu ordrinary dum peple apareciates The haigh-class Thinking “us” Interllecturals we are Doing for Yiu hear “at” collidge!

Conservative Cowards REPRINT

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From March 22, 2013

Not content with abandoning his place in our defenses, Jonah Goldberg in his townhall.com column today tries to lure his readers to the Dark Side, arguing that we can join him in endorsing same-sex mockmarriage and still oppose abortion.

That’s very comforting, isn’t it?

Up and down the line, the “leaders” of what is still called the conservative movement are throwing down their shields and running away from the battle, leaving us nobodies to soldier on without them. Their position is that we can freely debase and devalue marriage and the family however we please, and our civilization will never be the worse for it.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this before the Goldbergs and the Portmans and the Coulters will be able to understand it, but here goes:

If you won’t conserve marriage and the family as the basic building-blocks of human society, you won’t be able to conserve anything of value at all. “Sexual liberty” will gobble up all our other liberties. If you think free speech or freedom of religion can survive the redefinition of marriage, you’re bigger fools than I take you for.

Marriage is a serious matter. Holy matrimony between a man and a woman is a type of Christ’s relationship with His Church. Have none of these fools read the Book of Revelation?

God ordained marriage, God defines marriage, and it is not in the power of a bunch of black-robed sinners, in love with their own sophomoric cleverness, to redefine it. I don’t care what any court says. I don’t care what any mob of politicians, academics, jive conservative commentators, or teachers union says to the contrary–and you shouldn’t, either.

I am awfully tired of my country being run by immoralists, liars, thieves, orcs, and morons. Aren’t you?

I Has eated Brane Chips!!! REPRINT

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From  March 8, 2019

I was so exited Wen i herd abuot “a” Sceyentits” he is Inventting Brane Chips thay willl maike yiu Smart!!! and i was even moar exited wen i mett “this” gye hear at Collidge he “is” maiking Brane Chips tooo!!! and then he telled me he “was” looking fore Somboddy “to” trye themb out!!!!

“Wel i wuld be hapy to try it i sayed”! But he sayed i wuld has to Pay for it Lotts of mony,, yiu “got to Pay” “One Hunderd $1 dollers!” Of corse becose of Captilism i hasnt got no Hunderd Dollers so he sayed wel “alrihght, jist give me” “alll yore mony then!” so i gived himb the Two Dollers $$ “that it is Not reely enuohgh he sayed “yiu got to give me Somthing “else” and he sayed i culd taik a cupple Tests “four” himb becose he didnt Feel “lyke” taiking them his self and then he gived me A “bole” of Brane Chips!!! Thay tasted jist “lyke” Coarn Flaikes! and aslo thay looked lyke Coarn Flaikes tooo and i sayed “Are yiu Shure theese are Reel Brane Chips and not jist Coarn Flaikes??”” and “wen Do i stort getting Smarter'”?? and he sayed See “yiu” are geting Smarter all reddy!!”

Wel woodnt yiu Know “it”! i taiked themb Tests thay was jeeograffy or Som thing and aslo Introseckshanul Lego Studdys,,, i didnt Know nothing abote themb sujbecks And yeti Ased themb annyweiy!!!!! that was reely Som thing becose thay are “alll” Egstra Smart Stodints in themb classses and Al Of themb Thay al got Ays!!! That jeeogriffey Test itt was reely Hard expeshelly that One Queschin “”Ware is North Amarica in reelashin to Sowth Amarica???–and i didnt even Know i knowed that!!! i dont rembember waht i ansered but It must of bin Rihght!!

As sune as i “can” Get moar Mony i whil by Annether Bole of Brane Chips and maby i can past my neckst Gender Studdys Test!!!!

I love Nothing Studdies!! REPRINT

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[Editor’s Note: Now I can’t post a picture. I could post a picture ten minutes ago. Now I can’t. If you don’t hear from me any more, it means my head has exploded.]

From April 5, 2019

I amb so hapy i swiched my majer “to” Nothing Studdies it is grate!! and one of the Profesters he sayed the cool “thing abote Nothing Studdies is yiu woont nevver get no job so yiu Wil has to stay in Collidge four the “Rest” Of yore life”!! Wel that Is grate becose Work it blows and whoo whants Some stopid job anyhow?? it is mutch moare Impotant to maike Socile Jutstus than Work!!

To day in “class” frist we played whith Play Doe and then we roled “on” The flore and then we seen “a” Car Toon and then we hadded a De-bait whoo wood win In “a” fyhght beatwean Spyder Man and Acqua Man and we lernt Nothing at all!

I know wat al yiu Racist Biggits out thare yiu “aregoingto” say,, that “Joe Collidge he is a toetle waist of Spaice”! Wel you willl al be Laffing out “the” Other Syde of yore Faice when all us Interllecturals we come “out” and voat for Beato or Alexander Whatsername or (I hoap!!!!!) HILLARY!! and thay get to Be Pressadint,, yiu whil not think “That” is So Funny!!! Ha-Ha-Ha on yiu!

And now i has got to Go Studdy so i whil be Reddy for the Prestilential Electoin in Octoeber or wenevver it Is.

[Great–it lets me post that stupid picture of the eyes…]

 

Thare’s no Sutch Plaice As Frantz!! REPRINT

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From October 13, 2017

Back in hi skool i useter be reel good “at” joggraffy so yiu Can gess how i feeled “to-day” when A gesst lecksurer she tolled us “evrything” I lernt It Was “all” wrongg!!!

Take frinstants the contry “of” Frantz, the Frentch frys thay come from thare and as yiu “Can” sea form the mapp it is a eyland or somthing and It “is” boarderd by Tonga, Packastan, and Myopia! And than i lernt to-day that thare is No Sutch plaice as Frantz it is alll A big fat hokes!!!! and thare never “Was” no contry caled Frantz neether and it “is” al fake and the Rushins thay done it!!!

Yiu sea It was “a” Conspearassy thay made us beleave In Frantz so thay culd cheet Hillary “Out Of” being pressadint and aslo make al That Incomb Innaqualitty!! and aslo it tterns out Thare Are lotts of othor plaices thay isnt reel neether,, like Spane and Porchagul and Asia and Grease and aslo Izreel thay Are all fake Fake FAKE!!! Jist like that thare Moon landing!! it was Donold Trumpt and the Russhins and “the Bangkers” thay done it!!! So thay culd Cover Up Globble Warming and aslo Trans Phobier!!

Wel thay wil al Be laffing out The other “side of thare mouths wen the Socile Jutstus Wirers and Auntyfa thay come And get themm!! O wil thay “be”” sari then!!

Godziller He Is Reel!!! REPRINT

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[Editor’s Note: I was resolved not to allow Joe Collidge to appear today, but he snuck in while I wasn’t looking.]

Thancksgiven Daye it is to-marrow butt i amb not goingto cellarbrate it “becose” America “it” blows and anny how my fambly “thay” woont lett me “in” The house no moar!!

I whant to caul Atentchin to alll themb dum doaps that say Thare isnt no Climbit Chainge or Globble War Ming can yiu beleave How stopid thay “are”??? and thay aslo are sayying Godziller he “Is” not Reel!! Wel if he is “Not” Reel then how comb thares so Manny moovies abote himb?? Lets “see” themb Anser thatt!!!!!

Scyantits thay now know “that” it is Climbit Chainge what cawses all themb Monsters in Jappan!! It is ownly natcheral!!! Globble War Ming it whakes themb up “And” maiks themb crazy!!! and yiu Can axpect To see moar and moar Godziller atacks as the Climbit it chainges moar and moar!! This hear it is Donold Trumpt’s fawult!!!!!! Evry Boddy but himb and al thoze captillist Racists thay reelize we ownly has got tend (10) oar twelf (12) yeers leffted till The “end” “of” The Whorld unlest al the cristchins thay get putt In jale and thare isnt no moar facile fuols!!! Godziller atacks thay “are” jist the Tipp “of” the Iceburger!!!!

Now evry Interllectural in Evry Collidge thay know this but Trumpt he whants to maik the Whorld end and evry boddy dye jist so’s he “Can” Maik a Prophit!!!! That is wye he must got to Be “impeechted” befour he Can “do” it!!! And iff yiu stopid dum peple thinck I amb rawng whell yiu Can “jist” checke whith The U N and thay whil telll yiu evry Thing i sayed it is rihght!!!! Go a “head” and Ask themb i dayre yiu!!!!!!!!!!

Stopid Amarica yiu better “do” what us interllecturals say oar “the” neckst Monstar fromb Monstar Iland it whil be Comming “yore” whay!!!!!

 

I Has red Hillery’s Book! REPRINT

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From December 1, 2017

I has jist finnished reeding Hillery’s book its caled Waht Hapened and its “al abote” how she “got” cheeted Out “of” being Pressadint by al them Rushins thay was workin For Donold Trumpt and aslo al them De-Plorrables thay are Haters and thay dint want no Wimmim Pressadint,

Wel i tel yiu that boook It is Dynomight! it is so grate i jist had have to writ her a Letter and “hear” it is!!

Deer Hillery i am a Interllectural hear at Collidge and al us intrallecturals we Wanted Yiu “to” be pressadint and we jist abote dyed wehn it turned Out yiu got cheeted out of It! yiu are a godess! and i red yore book and itis so Grate grate grate!!! Thare was a lot Of werds in it I didnt under Stand them al and i thinked you spelt a few of them Rong but at this poynt Wat dose it Matter?? anyway i amb riting To “tel” yiu Dont be Sad we stil wants Yiu to be Pressadint and we wil Not “stop” untill you Are pressadint and al them hatful peple thay stink who dint Vote “four” yiu thay al in Jale “whith” al the Climbit Chainge De-Nyers tooo!! i has Moth Antenners in Case yiu are intersted in that and aslo i has got Yore “pitchure” taped up in my Gender Studies prefessers toool shed that Is “ware” i sleeep at nite! i amb seure Yiu wil Feeel “beter” wen yiu know al Us Interllecturals we Are be-Hind you 100000 Persent!!! Yore frend Joe Collidge!!! PS do yiu like Hankerchifs i amb saving A “nice one” jist fore Yiu!!!

Now al I has to do is figre Out ware to “get” a Stamp so i can male it!!

Deplorable People Have Too Many Babies! REPRINT

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From September 24, 2016

Do you have to be moral, to be a “moral philosophy professor”? Nah.

One of these intellectual ginks at Johns Hopkins University has written a book in which he declares we gotta fight Climate Change by having way fewer babies ( http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-09-23/want-to-slow-climate-change-stop-having-babies-bioethicist-travis-rieder-says ). Yup: too many people on the Plaaaanet, poor ol’ Gaia, blah-blah-blah.

Government–and interllecturals–he reluctantly concludes, will find it necessary “to pressure families” to stop making babies: because modern people just will not “give up their toys” and scale themselves back to an 11th-century lifestyle. By “toys” he means things like refrigerators and air conditioning.

Yo, sunshine! Which of those toys have you given up?

He does not deal with the colossal amount of evidence that “climate scientists” and government agencies are lying, lying, lying about all this. Instead, he brands his critics, and anyone else who won’t agree with him, as “the far-right hate machine.”

The wisdom of God speaks truly: “All they that hate me love death” (Proverbs 8:36).

P.S.–Yes, I know I complain all the time about the noise and crowding in this part of New Jersey. But not being a liberal, I do not demand that my emotional reactions to my particular circumstances be made the basis of public policy affecting everyone.

Doun Whith captallist Vilince!!! REPRINT

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From April27, 2018

I amb has a hardd “time” Writing this becose “that” stopid cat Robby she is lee the Fashists cat she keeps “on” bumpping my Hand!! i know he put her up “to” It! but i wil rite this annyhow!!

I jist heered abote this Grate lexture by a Prefesser she sayed we “has got” to Under Stand Rachel Captillism and the Open Seecrit of Rachel Captillist Vilince!! Wel we Are Introllecturals so of coarse we all-ready knows evvry Thing it is Racist! The reely Grate thing This hear prefesser she sayed is Indervidural Rites thay Fuuel Captillist Vilince expeshally “”Free Speach” and “Proptery Rites!!” yiu go girl!!!! (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10817)

Dam that cat she maid me Spel a wird wrong!!! wye dont she stop doing That???

Aslo she sayed thare shuld be no Pollice—no it wassnt the dum cat who sayed That! Wear was I? Oh yeh and aslo Socilism It “works” reely good becose Then Evvry Boddy thay is All Equil!!

So wee shuld auhght to Get “rid of”” al them Socalld Rites, only Us Interllecutrals we Are Smart Enuhgh to has “them” rites ordrinary dum peple thay Are Tooo Dum to has rites!!! Thay wil jist Whind Up “saying” hat speach and Racist stuph!!! Unlest yiu Are a Intrelecktural yiu “Mite As” wel be jist a Baby that Is “wye” we got to do All yore “Thinking” four yiu!!! and yiu stopid dum peeple yiu dont evvin apreceate It!!!

Wye dont This cat jist gett out “Of” hear??? She maid me make a airer!!

Owch she bited My moth Antenners!!! Yow! now she—

[The editors regret that Joe Collidge is unable to continue his essay.]