Tag Archives: general silliness

I Has had a Dreem

I ate me a peace of a swetter last nihgt and it “must of had” like Carpet Cleener on it or somthing becose it Gived me a wiled Dream!

I drempt Pressidint Obamma he come “back” and made A Revilution and got rid “of” Donold trump and al them biggits and Haters witch suported “him” and than Obamma he turnt “into” a god! and he made Hillery the Pressidint insted of Trump and so she Lived “in the” Wite House And gess waht? I was her Boy Freind!!! and Bil Clintin he dint Mind becose he “had” a lott of Girl Freinds!

Yes! Wow!! i was Hillery’s Boy Freind now and i got To sleap “on” the Flore rihght by her Bed! and than She sayed “Mothy” (That was Her pet “naime” for Me( come “on Up hear a Minnet” and I thinked O Man this It Is goin to be Grate! and yiu know Waht she done then??? She gived Me a Indain Burn!!! Oboy that hurt!!!

And i sayed “how Come yiu” gived Me a Indain Burn and she sayed Becose I Can!! “I wil give This hole stinkin countrie a big fat Indain Burn and yiu wil here Them howell!! And then she strated Lauhghing and she Lauhghed so Loud it waked me up and thare i was freezing and my Moth Antenners thay Had Ice in them Rihght thare in My prefesser’s Tool shed! my Teeths thay wore Chatterin “so” bad i culdnt hardly “talk” but he Wuldnt give me No more blankits becose he sayed Its Globbal Warming “and whye” shuld he waist anether Blankit?

Wel i sayed Gee but I am awffle Cold! and he “sayed” Yiu be carful Waht yiu say or I “wil have yiu up on” charges of Climbit Change Denile and yiu dont “want” evry One to think yuo are a Racist do yiu??” Wel I gess that reely Shut me up!!!

I tell yiu this eddication It is reely Hard some times!!!

 


Humans Imitating Cats

This video leaves out some of the more questionable cat behaviors, so don’t worry about getting grossed out if you watch it.


William the Conqueror’s Favorite Movie

Image result for images of william the conqueror

Y2K wasn’t all end-of-the-world alarmism. I do remember assorted sages urging people to sell everything they had, convert it all to cash, and head for the nearest and deepest abandoned lead mine: although what good cash was going to do you, with all of civilization in ruins, I never quite understood.

Some of Y2K was, well, goofy. Like the effort to decide what was the best movie of the past thousand years, the Movie of the Millenium. Like, after he invaded and conquered England in 1066, William the Conqueror took Queen Matilda to the nabe so they could watch A Bug’s Life.

This leads us down a path of fascinatingly useless conjecture. Think of major historical figures down through the centuries, from 1001 to 2000, and try to figure out what their favorite movies would have been. Wouldn’t you just love to know ? Take Peter the Hermit: how do you think he’d have liked Forbidden Planet? Or the Bronte sisters, grooving on Singin’ in the Rain. What sort of flick would have most appealed to Jim Bowie? Wow, you could stay up all night, racking your brain over this.

Doesn’t it sound like it has the potential to become a whole new degree program at a lot of colleges? I am sure it would catch on quickly.

(Great Scott, what have I done?)


The Cardiff Giant’s Confession

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Hi, everybody–it’s me, the Cardiff Giant.

Y’know, they like to say I was one of the great hoaxes of the 19th century. I sort of resent that. I mean, who likes to be called a hoax?

I’m so tired of being called a hoax, I’ve decided it’s finally time to tell the truth!

Forget everything you ever heard about me. It’s all bunk.

The amazing truth is, the Russians dug me up and then secretly planted me in New York State for someone else to dig up and say I was a petrified human being from way back before the Flood. You want to know where the Russians dug me up? Well, they never told me. You’d have to ask some guy named Putin.

Why did they plant me in New York State, on somebody’s farm? I’ll tell you: for no other reason than to–oh, doggone it! Would you believe it? I forgot! That’s what happens when you just lie around doing nothing for years and years at a stretch: your brain goes kind of funny.

All right, I’ll be back when I remember what it is that I was going to tell you. And don’t forget to drop in and say hello whenever you pass through wherever I’m on display, these days. I’ve quite lost track of my location…


Scientist Says Cussing Means You’re Smart

Image result for people cursing

Oh, where would we be without our scientists?

Or, to put it in a way that’s supposed to make me sound even smarter, where would we ****ing be without our ****ing scientists?

Yes, a credentialed scientist has actually claimed that using curse words, especially the f-bomb, is a sign of superior intelligence ( http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2016/11/17/is-cursing-bad-or-good-for-you/ ). In fact, “[T]he ones who swear the most have the biggest vocabulary overall,” said a professor of Cognitive Science at UC San Diego.

Question: If cussers have such a great vocabulary, why don’t they (bleep) use it?

Some of those trolls on the Internet must be blankety-blank geniuses.

No, this is not a satire. I have not made it up just to make fun of scientists. Check the link above.

They don’t need me to satirize them. They do such a (censored) good job of it themselves.


This Just In: UN Warns Global Warming Makes Statues Come to Life

See what happens when we don’t pay carbon tax?

The United Nations Special Panel of Smart People has brought forth evidence that Climate Change is causing statues all over the world to come to life and scare people.

“This here is a genuine consequence of Global Warming,” said Special Secretary Smart Guy Harry Hairball, “and it sure ain’t going to stop unless all them folks is throwed into jail for Climate Change Denial. Now do you believe us when we say you got to pay new taxes? Or would you rather some big old statue come busting down your door?”

Hairball said “We got lots of video proving that statues they are coming to life all over the place, and it’s all on account of Global Warming and anybody who don’t say so, they better watch out because Loretta Lynch has got her eye on them.”

Hairball added that no journalists will be allowed to view the video unless they swear an oath to preach Man-Made Global Warming.

Very nearly all journalists have already done so.


Pinocchio Murdered Jiminy Cricket: the Cover-up

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In 1883 Carlo Collodi published The Adventures of Pinocchio, the tell-all book sensation which, in Chapter Four, described Pinocchio’s murder of his well-intentioned mentor, the “Talking-cricket”–better known by the name Disney gave him: Jiminy Cricket.

Eyewitless News has tracked down the real Pinocchio, Mr. Vincenzo Anthony Pinocchio of The Bronx, NY. Did this man, who still occasionally reverts to being a wooden puppet, murder a beloved cultural icon?

As Collodi told it, Pinocchio, unable to tolerate any more of the cricket’s good advice, snatched up a wooden hammer and threw it, striking his victim in the head and killing him, “and then he remained dried up and flattened against the wall.”

“Collodi put that in and Disney took it out, because it wasn’t true,” Mr. Pinocchio told crack investigator Harry Hootch. “I never hurt Jiminy Cricket. He died of old age in 1908.”

The Eyewitless News team went to the village in Italy where Carlo Collodi first heard the story of Pinocchio. And there the official records tell another story.

A cricket, not named, was found dead in the home of Pinocchio and the old wood-carver, Gepetto, in 1879. Police judged the death suspicious, and brought the body to the morgue. There something unexpected happened.

As summarized in the official report, the coroner “then threw a tantrum, he started banging his fist all over, and yelling, ‘I will not do no autopsy on no _______ing insect!’ The body of the victim lay untouched in the morgue for two days and nights, and then disappeared. Asked to explain this disappearance, the coroner would only say, ‘Talk to the _____ing janitor.'”

According to our trusted sources, Walt Disney personally intervened to cover up the murder of Jiminy Cricket by Pinocchio. And for going on 70 years, that cover-up has been successful.

UP NEXT: Hillary Clinton is innocent!


This Mummy… It’s Alive! (Hysterical Screaming)

Well, maybe this is how it happens…

The Internet is great for getting all your questions answered–and I do mean “all.”

Like, for instance, this one: “How do mummies come back to life?” ( http://www.answers.com/Q/How_do_mummies_come_back_to_life?#slide=2)

The answer site concludes that mummies, in fact, do not come back to life. Well I never!

When the Egyptians made a mummy, they soaked the body in brine for a long time, then pulled the brains out through the nose with a hook. So right there you’ve got a major problem for any mummy coming back to life and wanting to do anything more demanding than sitting in a collidge classroom learning Gender Studies. They removed the rest of the internal organs, too–another difficulty.

See, the thing is, after they did all this stuff to it, they were pretty sure the body was dead. That’s why they put it in a tomb.

We must wonder who is asking such a question, “How do mummies come back to life?” What does that tell us about our education system? Okay, not everybody knows how a mummy is prepared. But they do know–don’t they?–that any mummy dug out of the sands of Egypt has been there for a long, long time.

But I am making assumptions.


A Few Products That Didn’t Quite Make It

Image result for images of ant farm

I know it’s too early to be talking Christmas shopping. But there are always birthdays, anniversaries, and other occasions for buying presents for your loved ones.

Here are a few gift ideas that never really caught on.

The Fire Ant Farm. This was just like a regular ant farm, only with ferocious and painfully-stinging fire ants. It was supposed to make the owner look cool. They had to take it off the market because the ants kept getting out and raising hell.

A Special Beer Stein for Weight-Lifters had a 20-pound weight fixed to the bottom so that every time you took a swig of beer, you got your exercise. I’m not sure how this product came to fail. I think it was because sometimes bad things happened if you chanced to drop it.

Toothpaste Sandwich Cookies. If you were afraid that Oreos, for instance, would cause you to develop cavities, replacing the vanilla cream filling with a popular brand of toothpaste was supposed to allow you to enjoy your snack while at the same time passively brushing your teeth. Alas, the taste and the digestion became issues.

Sticky-Soled Shoes. The idea behind these was to let you pick up and remove dirt, dust, and pet hairs from your carpet without having to vacuum. Just walk around as usual, and at the end of the day, simply remove the detritus from the bottoms of your shoes. I am sorry to say they made these shoes way, way, way too sticky, with unfortunate results (including injury to the wearer when he tried to take a step but the shoe wouldn’t budge). Sort of like the classic practical joke of gluing someone’s flip-flops to the floor. Worse, some ill-advised customers attempted to use Sticky Shoes as a way to climb up walls, again resulting in injury.

So there you have it. These products aren’t on the market anymore, but there are probably others just as bad. Let the buyer beware.

 


Read It if You Dare

Image result for images of angry reader throwing book

Wow, what a plot! I mean, is this a book or is this a book? And what kind of question is that?

In The Evolving Door by Melinda James Schlubb,  Gunto and Petunia are transgendered partners who, in the course of investigating their past lives in which they were frogs, fish, and millipedes, accidentally discover the secrets of Evolution, providing total and irrevocable proof that no one would ever dare to question.

But it’s not so safe to discover the secret of Evolution! Immediately after their discovery, an Amish hit squad begins to hunt them down. Haters and biggits torture them by using the wrong pronouns: these are harrowing scenes of hurt feelings and microaggression, surely not for the faint-hearted.

Will Gunto and Petunia succeed in arriving at the Safe Space, that is, the nearest college campus? Having changed their respective genders once already, can they find the courage to do it again–and yet again? Or will the Mennonite assassins finally catch up to them?

One of the great things about this book is how author M.J. Schlubb boldly breaks free of all those tired old conventions of grammar, spelling, punctuation, sentence structure and vocabulary: there is, indeed, a 28-page chapter that is all one sentence. She or he puts quotation marks wherever she or he feels like it, and paragraphs are always up for grabs. Oh, it’s sooo postmodern! Or can you say illiterate?

Published by Bankrupt Press, The Evolving Door sells for $344.99, hardcover, and is available from your local drug dealer.


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