Tag Archives: general silliness

‘Oy, Rodney’ Gets Rather Odd

Image result for images of silly romance novels

Violet Crepuscular leads off Chapter CXVI of Oy, Rodney with the admission that she has borrowed much of the story from a not-quite rational neighbor. Then she remembers that she has left Queen Victoria waiting in the church for the wedding that hasn’t come off, and quickly returns her to Buckingham Palace.

Meanwhile, Lady Margo Cargo’s crusty old butler, Crusty, tries to convince her that she can’t marry Willis Twombley, who she thinks is also Lord Jeremy Coldsore of Coldsore Hall, because she is already married to another man–the mysterious stranger who stood up to object to the latest wedding but was interrupted by events beyond his control.

“Really, Crusty, I am sure I’ve never seen that man before,” she says, as he reattaches her wooden leg.

“He married you by proxy, Ma’am. He was in India at the time, so he sent a proxy.”

“I thought that man’s name was Mr. Proxy. And no one ever told me it was a wedding. I thought it was a game of blind man’s buff, without the blindfold.”

The scene shifts to Scurveyshire’s favorite pub, the Lying Tart, where Lord Jeremy  and Twombley are concealing the body of Lord Jeremy’s chief creditor, Mr. Softy, shot by Twombley as he tried to take possession of Coldsore Hall. They are breaking into the pub because everyone else has run off to take part in the strange events around the vicar’s backyard wading pool.

“I’m not so sure we ought to be doing this, Sargon, old boy,” says Lord Jeremy: Twombley still thinks he is Sargon of Akkad.

“Well, Germy, you don’t want to git hanged, do you? Let’s put him somewhere down the cellar. No one’ll look there.”

Lord Jeremy is upset. “Are you mad?” he cries. “They keep all the pub’s supplies down there! Of course they’ll find the body.”

“Not if we stick it behind some barrels. Trust me, ol’ hoss. I’ve done this several times before.”

This task accomplished, Lord Jeremy is suddenly stunned and shocked by a message scrawled in the dust on the floor.

It is a single word. Rodney.,


How to Talk Smart: False Facts

See the source image

If it’s really very important to you to have other people think you’re smart, but you simply don’t have it in you, well, you can still talk smart!

What makes people think you’re smart? Knowing something they don’t know!

That’s where Acme False Facts come in. Armed with these, and confidence–you do have to project confidence, so practice in front of a mirror–you can wow your neighbors and your co-workers with your vast store of esoteric knowledge.

Here are a few samples to get you started.

*In 24 hours, a healthy human body naturally manufactures enough palumbitol to fill a football helmet. (If anyone asks you what “palumbitol” is, respond with a pitying look and a slow shake of the head.)

*James Madison was educated in a Muslim school in Algeria.

*In Ancient Britain before the Roman conquest, same-sex marriage was the rule rather than the exception, and it produced a society completely free of inequality.

*Prior to 1938, there were no “Psalms” in the Bible. (You have to deliver that line with a great deal of confidence. Practice! If you can put this one over, there’s no limit to how far you can go–maybe even to a successful career in politics.) The Psalms were only added afterward, by a committee.

*Hillary Clinton’s IQ has been officially measured at 202, but she has always been very modest about it, purposely imitating a nincompoop so as not to intimidate the public.

*The first motion picture, The Graduate starring Dustin Hoffman, was made in 1970.

 


Win a Free Collidge Eddication!

See the source image

Washme Hall, Fimbo State College

College tuition got you down? Don’t you wish you could get a college education without the dreadful cost?

Well, now you can!

In partnership with Fimbo Krunchy Cereals, and located within mere blocks of beautiful downtown Detroit, Fimbo State College is offering tuition-free five-year degree programs to the first hundred students to collect and submit one thousand (1,000) boxtops of either Fimbo Frostee Insects or Fimbo Squishy Flakes–and what’s more, each qualified student is guaranteed to graduate!

Best of all, there’s hardly any work involved! All students will automatically major in Social Justice Studies, and will enjoy free room and board in whichever dorm happens not to have a flooded basement at the time. There are no exams, no term papers, and free Fimbo Krunchy Cereals served for every meal–plus no restrictions at all, when it comes to foraging. If you can catch it or pull it out of the ground, you’re free to eat it–and strike a blow against white supremacy every time you chow down on a handful of nutritious leaves!

Plus, all our professors have served time in other institutions, and there’s nothing like experience.

But hurry! They’re only giving out one hundred of these Fimbo Skolarships! Be the first on your block to have a college degree without the student debt!

Happy Krunching, everyone!


An Exciting Chapter of ‘Oy, Rodney’

See the source image

Moving right along to Chapter CXII of Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, we find the Queen sitting alone in St. Pablum’s Church. The vicar has been carted off with conniptions, and everyone else has followed Jasper the Village Idiot out to the vicar’s back yard, where Constable Chumley has disappeared under the wading pool. Lady Margo Cargo, who was to have been married that day to Lord Jeremy Coldsore and the American adventurer Willis Twombley, has been taken back home because her wooden leg fell off again.

As the Queen grumbles, the Japanese ambassador makes an unexpected entrance. He has an urgent message for her, but has forgotten it. Something about jumbo shrimp. He apologizes humbly and departs.

Lagging well behind the others, and trying to find some way to save the wedding, Lord Jeremy and Twombley are met by Jeremy’s chief creditor, Mr. Softy. “I am here to take ownership of Coldsore Hall,” he says, twirling his mustache. Twombley shoots him.

“I say!” cries Lord Jeremy. “You really can’t do that, don’t you know!”

“Well, I jist did,” says Twombley. “Help me hide the body somewheres.”

Meanwhile, Jasper urges the crowd to greater speed. “It may not be too late to save the constable, if only we hurry!” he declares. “Oh, make haste, my friends, make haste!”

But when they arrive at the pool, they find Constable Chumley standing a safe twenty yards away from it, idly bobbling his nightstick. He wants to know what all the fuss is about.

The mayor frowns. “Jasper, you idiot!” he says. “Sorry!” mutters Jasper. “But wait! It may be that this individual is not Constable Chumley, but an insidious double who has appropriated his uniform. I prithee, examine him!”

“Prithee?”

“‘Tis a forn misstal we be corkin’, Mayor,” says the constable. The crowd decides to examine Jasper instead, and hustles him off to the local house of pain.

Here the narrative is interrupted by Ms. Crepuscular offering to sell the book’s movie rights to any studio that’s interested.

 


‘Oy, Rodney’: The Wedding (Well, Almost)

See the source image

In Chapter CX of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, the author takes a break from storytelling to wax petulant to her readers, denouncing “certain brusque persons who keep demanding to know when the title character, Rodney, is going to appear in the story. Clearly these are persons who know nothing of the craft of the novelist. One must work up to these things gradually!” Well, gee, she’s already spent some 400 pages working up to it, and still no Rodney.

Chapter CXI finds us in St. Pablum’s Church for the wedding of Lady Margo Cargo and Lord Jeremy Coldsore, whom she thinks is the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad. Twombley, in fact, is serving as best man. He has assured Lady Margo that he and Lord Jeremy are one and the same man, made to appear as two different individuals simultaneously by his secret Akkadian power of illusion. In fact, Lady Margo has fallen asleep on her feet and is swaying gently back and forth. Lord Jeremy is worried. If this wedding doesn’t come off, the creditors grab Coldsore Hall. And there is Queen Victoria herself sitting in the front pew and whispering harshly to the vicar, “Get on with it, man!”

The vicar grins and says, “If there is anyone here who knows of any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.”

Up from a middle pew rises a tall man with doom in his face. He has been eating something not so good for him.

But before he can speak, in through the door bursts the village idiot, Jasper. The prose does not leave us with any certainty that the door was open at the time.

“Stop! Stop!” he cries. All eyes turn to him. “It is I, Jasper, the village idiot!” Everybody knows that already. “Oh, lamentable tragedy! Come, come, quickly–it may not be too late to save him!”

“Oh, now what?” mutters Queen Victoria.

“I notice that no one here has said, ‘Save who?'” continues Jasper. “Indeed, it is none other than our esteemed public servant, Constable Chumley. With my own eyes I saw him dragged under the vicar’s backyard wading pool, leaving nothing behind but his helmet–ah, that was a sight to daunt the soul! I implore you, good people–”

But he gets no farther, because at this point the vicar relapses into the most awful conniptions, and it is quite a spectacle. The Queen is not amused, and lets out a loud, impatient sigh.

The chapter ends with some brief reminisces of Violet’s days as a Girl Guide in Greenland.


‘Oy, Rodney’ Nominated for Major Award

See the source image

Oy, Rodney, the epic romance by Violet Crepuscular, has been nominated for a Dumpster Fire Award for Really Stinky Literature.

The notice was slipped under my door this evening by two men in black who made sure I didn’t see their faces. I’m a little nervous about this, because a Dumpster Fire Award generally comes with a good thrashing. I mean, why should I be blamed for this?

I don’t have Ms. Crepuscular’s forwarding address, and her publisher seems to have gone out of business.


Bonus ‘Oy, Rodney’ Episode

See the source image

In Chapter CVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Lord Jeremy Coldsore requests an audience with the Queen so he can invite her to stay the night at Coldsore Hall. Currently the Queen and her entourage have taken rooms at Scurveyshire’s most popular inn, The Lying Tart.

The most Lord Jeremy can get from the Queen is a bored “We’ll see,” and he is too nervous to invite Her Majesty to his wedding, and his friend Willis Twombley’s, to Lady Margo Cargo. On his way out of the inn, the discouraged young baron, or whatever he is, is buttonholed by the vicar.

“Lord Jeremy! A word, sir, a word!” He looks like he is about to relapse into conniptions, so Jeremy must hear him out.

“That woman, sir–that, my lord, is not the Queen of England! She is an imposter!”

“Not Queen Victoria?” Jeremy wonders. He looked it up yesterday: Victoria is presently Queen of England. Not Suzie, as he’d thought. “Go to, Reverend! She is the spitting image of the Queen. Why would you say different?”

Distraught, the vicar lapses into dialect. “Why, firmy man, yen jingly fleem be all ye throcken simbly–!” Lord Jeremy has to slap him. The vicar responds with a kick to the shin. In between agonized hops on one foot while holding his shin, Jeremy demands the vicar explain his allegation.

“Sir, I know the Queen like she were my own sister! We are lifelong friends–why, it was I who introduced her to Prince Albert, and got him to come out of the can!” Lord Jeremy stares. “I guess I ought to know her when I see her, sir–and that woman is not the Queen of England! There is devilry afoot, sir–devilry and danger, no doubt to the entire realm!”

The remaining paragraphs of the chapter are devoted to a description of Ms. Crepuscular’s hamster, Nestor.


‘Are Centaurs Real?’ (2014)

In case you missed it, one of my all-time most popular posts…

https://leeduigon.com/2014/02/04/are-centaurs-real/

They are certainly as real as Social Justice.


By Popular Demand: The Queen’s Not There Yet

See the source image

All right, everybody, you asked for it: another installment of Oy, Rodney by Violet Crepuscular: Chapter CIV.

As Lady Margo tries to find out who is Queen of England at this time, Princess Didi visits Scurveyshire incognito to get the lay of the land. When she approaches the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard, Constable Chumley promptly arrests her. “Ye come alang wi’ me, lass,” he says, “ye’ll not be wilmin’ by yon brawnnick gulsen.”

“You fool, take your hands off the daughter of the Queen!” Her protests are to no avail, and she is deposited in the local lockup.

Meanwhile Lord Jeremy Coldsore, awaiting his marriage to Lady Margo, fobs off his creditors with a promise that the Queen herself will pay his bills. “Her Majesty is to be an honored guest at my wedding, and will spend the night in the Royal Suite of Coldsore Hall.” He does not mention that no one has spent the night in the Royal Suite of Coldsore Hall since 1603, when the Duke of Dobley went in one night and never came out.

Having convinced Lady Margo that he and the American adventurer Willis Twombley are one and the same and that it therefore doesn’t matter which one of them appears at the wedding as the groom, Lord Jeremy’s peace of mind is rattled by Twombley’s off-hand question: “Say, Germy, was you really jist a foundling left on the steps of this here hall? Margo says so.”

This is the first Lord Jeremy has ever heard of it. “I am sure the lady has me confused with someone else,” he replies.

“Someone else besides me?”

“Please, Sargon!” Twombley believes he is Sargon of Akkad. “Please concentrate on the arrangements for the wedding! I’m growing rather concerned about the vicar. Ever since recovering from his conniptions, he skips everywhere instead of walking, and makes cryptic remarks about some writhing tentacles he thinks he saw under the pool. I fear his mind may be unsettled.”

“Oh, he’ll be all right for the wedding,” Twombley says. “Anyhow, it’s your turn to go to Margo’s tonight for supper. Try to be cheerful, ol’ hoss! Soon as the Queen gets here, we’re goin’ to get hitched and all your troubles will be over.”

Given the prodigious length of the rest of the book, we are at liberty to doubt the accuracy of that prediction.

And we still don’t know who the dickens “Rodney” is.


Self-Esteem Board Games for Collidge Types

See the source image

Winter Festival games for the collidge student in your family!

The bad thing about games is that somebody wins. That’s so racist. Imagine snowflakes trying to play Monopoly. No, it just won’t do. Give gifts commensurate with a modern collidge eddication! Games that pump up their self-esteem. Like these.

Everybody Wins! In this board game, there’s only one square and players sit on it forever with nowhere else to go. With every turn, each player gets a $500 bill and a “You’re Fantastic!” card. Each card comes with an uplifting message–“You’re a winner,” “You’re so smart,” “Good job,” “You’ve aced your Graphic Novels 101 exam,” etc.

Take a Knee is a simulated football game in which players kneel and make rude noises whenever the National Anthem is played. You don’t have to know anything about football, because the football game in Take a Knee never actually starts. Any show of disdain for America earns all players, all at once, 50 Social Justice Points. That way, everyone finishes with exactly the same score.

You’re always a winner when you play Self-Identify, the game of defining reality to suit yourself. Just throw the dice and declare “I am now a woman,” “I am the president of my college,” “I am the Sultan of Swat,” or whatever else pops into your head, and the other players joyfully affirm your declaration.

Antifa Roulette casts players as Social Justice Warriors. Spin the Wheel of Combating Fascism and move your piece to whatever square is indicated by the arrow–Savings Bank, Dollar Store, Auditorium, and others–and announce a Protest. All the other players immediately move to that square, at which point the building is burned down and it’s the next player’s turn. Great fun to play while wearing ski masks! The game ends, and everybody wins, when the entire Town Board lies in ruins.

Once these catch on, there will surely be more to come. Watch your favorite student’s eyes light up when ze finds one of these with xer name on it waiting under the Gender Tree!

 


%d bloggers like this: