Tag: general silliness

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 9

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A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade of Awesome

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s “Save Your Sanity” campaign–save it by watching these cool TV shows. Like for instance…

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 06  MacTavish of the Jungle–Adventure

A Scottish crossword puzzle expert (Jose Valdivielso), marooned in the jungle, has to live by his wits! This week: Chief O’Brien (Phil Rizzuto) hears a rumor that the cannibals are coming; it’s up to MacTavish to cool him off before he explodes. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers, “Song of the Coccyx.”

Ch. 18  NINNY NEWS WITH BILL BANIPAL–Assyrian Empire news

“Ninny” means “Nineveh,” the ancient capital of the Assyrian Empire. What would the news look like if that empire still existed? If it ruled the world? Anchor Bill Banipal, with some aunt of his, tackles questions that have troubled hardly anyone at all, ever. Sponsored by Turtle Wax and Fong’s Dental Floss!

7:12 P.M.  Ch. 88   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

Directed by Luther Rackley, who once played in the NBA, and starring Susan Sontag and Red Buttons, Oedipus Wrecks (363 minutes) updates the classical Greek tragedy to modern times and makes it about a small towing firm down on its luck. Written by monkeys! Queen Jocasta: Barbara Billingsley–with Jerry Mathers as the Sphinx. Voted “Most Appalling Film of 1958.”

8 P.M.  Ch. 29  COLLIDGE BOLE–Game show for doozies

Hogmouth University’s team of crash test dummies–they have yet to score a point, but keep winning their matches–takes on Yale’s “Straight A’s Brigade.” Last time they were here, Yale scored negative 32 by incorrectly finishing the sentence, “What goes up must come ____.” Moderator: Some guy from OPEC.

Well, now, how’s that for stellar television! My nest could be filling up with water and if I was watching Ninny News, I’d never notice till my potato chips got wet!

Quokkas Setonix brachyurus marsupials native to Rottnest ...

Me and Cousin Feezy checking out a seemingly abandoned bicycle.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 2

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend full of spectacular TV. And “gamblers junkets”–isn’t that disgusting? Stay home and watch TV instead!

7:01 P.M.  Ch. 16   BOXING IN WHICH NO ONE GETS HURT–Preposterous

No one gets hurt if there’s only one boxer in the ring! How do they avoid making it boring? The boxer is hypnotized to believe that vampires are closing in on him.  Don’t laugh: former heavyweight contender Gilbert Funzy split his pants and had to go into therapy for six years! Play-by-play: Deepak Chopra.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 22  JIMBO THE ELECTRIC EEL–(Don’t ask)

What happens when a full-grown electric eel takes up residence in a California swimming hole? Results can be shocking! Tonight: Jimbo the Eel (Claude Akens) tries to befriend Richard Simmons (himself)–but only succeeds in shocking him into a coma. Dr. Bango: A woman who sort of resembles Doris Day, but without the teeth.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 41  NEWS FOR COMPULSIVE LIARS

None of the reports is true–but that’s why people like ’em! Amaze your friends, if you can tell the difference between this and the regular nightly news! Heck, it took the networks four months to discover that this show’s “Dan Rather” was actually a dummy.  Tonight: Feel-good lies about our horrible economy. Commentary by the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Beto O’Rourke stars as “Pud Zanger” (New Zealand/Spanish, 1961: 12 minutes), the detective who is supported by donations from the city’s criminal class, who recognize him as the worst detective ever. Tonight: Pud is stumped by a case of jaywalking; meanwhile, a bloodthirsty monster (Ellen Whatsername) has devoured 250 citizens without getting caught. Song: “My Coccyx Lies Over the Ocean.”

How about that, boys ‘n’ girls? Have we got fantastic TV, or have we got fantastic TV?

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - Quokka, Animal, Herbivorous

Make sure you pick plenty of nice green leaves for tonight’s viewing.

Scurveyshire at Peace, Sort Of (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Somehow all of Scurveyshire’s most pressing problems went away while the author, Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, stayed in bed. June Taylor Dancers, rampaging rhinoceros, all that other stuff–now that we’re being pushed into Chapter DCLXXXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, it’s all given way to peace and quiet. “You can hear the millipedes sing,” writes Ms. Crepuscular. She’s out of bed now.

“I am sure many of you have noticed,” she writes, “that if you can duck certain problems long enough, they evaporate. Just poof, they’re gone! Like that lout from the collection agency who was bugging me so much. They said he got run over by a truck.”

This sets the stage, she explains, for the resumption of preparations for the wedding of Lady Margo Cargo and Lord Jeremy Coldsore.

Uh… How does some guy from the collection agency getting hit by a truck set the stage for a wedding in Scurveyshire?

“This is what I deal with all the time!” expostulates The Queen of Suspense. “People are determined not to understand what you mean! But I will not write down to their level! Pulitzer Prize committee be damned!”

Readers’ Letters to The Queen of Suspense (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, is sorry she threw open the door to readers’ suggestions for Chapter DCLXXXVI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Here are a few samples smuggled out of the house before she could delete them. (“I am buying an alligator to guard my home at night!” she warns the public. “Break in at your own risk.”)

From Poona, Ohio: “Why don’t you write about that nice couple on the book cover? Six hundred chapters, and you ain’t giving them a wink!”

Yurm, England: “D’il a-crawly wip al yon leggety scramps!” This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Chakmalmez, Honduras: “There isn’t much romance in your romance! How about some scenes of torrid lovemaking?” (Violet replied to this one, “How about you go skydiving without a parachute?”)

Ongs Hat, New Jersey: “Keep it up, Violet! And while you’re at it, give us a couple of juicy murders, a genius sleuth to solve them, UFOs and aliens, and those things that look like pumpkins!”

Kizzuwatna, Asia Minor: “Go soak your head.”

Violet Crepuscular today is unavailable for comment. It was all we could do to get her to bed last night. Usually she stays up to watch wrestling; but after all those nasty notes and emails, it took a fair among of wrestling to calm her down. We are going to untie her this morning so she can write a little.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 18

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ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels | eBay

(“You will never catch a quokka wearing a rug like that!”)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s awesome TV menu served up to you steaming hot by Quokka University! Here are just a few of these gems:

6:02 P.M.  Ch. 07  THEY CALL IT ‘HAIR’–Celebrity chit-chat

Who’s got the most unconvincing rug in Hollywood? Yeesh, look at that thing Howard Cosell wore in 1988. And they’re worried about women not making it as sportscasters? Try it as a quokka sometime!

6:15 P.M.   Ch. 12  SECRETS OF MY DNA–Science reality TV

How would you like to find out you have horseshoe crab DNA in your body? Join host Polly “the Squid” Amory as she exposes guests as not quite human. Whoever has the wildest DNA wins a part in the new werewolf movie, Lookin’ North and Walkin’ South. 

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 24  NEWS WITH CHILLBLAINS–Experimental

Would TV news be more convincing if the newsies were freezing to death as they reported it? How badly must a reporter’s teeth chatter before he can be credited with inventing a new language? How deep a shade of blue can you get before they have to let you back indoors? Studio located on Solitude Island, Russia… so you know it’s cold up there! Anchor: One of those famous people who sort of disappeared.

7  P.M.   Ch. 46  AT HOME WITH THE SHRIKES–Indefensible sitcom

Reincarnated as human after several lifetimes as savage little birds of prey, Doc and Flimsey Shrike (Walter Brennan, Donna Reed) continue their predatory ways after moving to LaFong Corners, New Jersey. Tonight: Flimsey impulsively devours a Cub Scout leader, necessitating another visit to Jimbo the Lawyer (Gabby Hayes). Special featured attraction: the June Taylor Dancers dance to “Where’s My Coccyx, Sweetheart?”

Well, that’s enough to get you started! Imagine finding out you’ve got spider DNA… and not knowing what kind of spider it is.

 

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! I don’t want to miss ‘The Shrikes’!”

Byron the Quokka signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 11

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tv guide sears portrait studio 1987

Hiyo, out there, it’s 11-11! And I’m Byron the Quokka, bringing you the best in television from Quokka University, home of the 1989 West Australia Pick-Up Stix champions. Here’s the merest sample of the sublime greatness we have in store for you!

6:45 P.M.   Ch. 03  YOUR LAST COMMERCIAL–Dark melodrama

Hey! “Dark melodrama” is a tautology! “Melo” means “dark.” (I’m glad we’ve got that out of the way, it was a stone in my shoe. So to speak. No, I have not forgotten that quokkas don’t wear shoes. It was a figure of speech.) Bounty hunter Chad Przwalski (Charles Bronson) hunts down actors, directors, and writers who make TV commercials. Then they make no more.

Ch. 07

‘YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL!’ NEWS–(Just what it sounds like)

Don’t bother telling anchorman Bombley Twombly “Don’t talk with your mouth full of cereal!”–This is the show for people who want to say they watch the news, but don’t really want to watch it at all. Sports: Babblin’ Bob Burnoose. Weather: Sally McNally. You’ll be lucky if you understand six words of the entire broadcast!

7 P.M.  Ch. 42  LEAVE IT TO MAGO–Sitcom

What happens when a freak solar storm whisks a family of ancient Carthaginians to the suburban township of Cthulhu Corners, New Jersey? Not to worry! Twelve-year-old Mago, boy genius, gets them through one crisis after another! This week: The police want to know about that idol of Moloch in the “Smith” back yard–and the disappearances among neighborhood children. Sgt. Muldoon: Andre the Giant.

Ch. 55  SHAKESPEARE FINGER PUPPETS: ‘AS YOU LIKE IT’–Words fail us

Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage,” and surely was thinking about finger puppets when he said it. Tonight, the Famous Finger-Folk perform the Bard’s classic comedy inside a shoebox! You’ll need to sit real close to the TV set to see and hear it–but do you really have anything better to do?

Well, folks, that’s about that! I love those finger puppets–you should’ve seen them do “Julius Caesar.”

Stuttgart, Germany. 19th July, 2023. A quokka from Australia sits in its indoor enclosure upon arrival at Wilhelma in Stuttgart. Several quokkas move into the new Australian world Terra Australis at Wilhema,

Make sure you’ve got leafy treats handy! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 4

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Tonight's Anglia and Channel 4… in 1988 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with your post-Halloween weekend television, brought to you by Quokka University where Pick-Up Stix is king! Here are a few samples of what’s in store for you.

7 P.M.  Ch. 14  I AM A HAMSTER–Schlockumentary

Join host Marty Prolapse, who identifies as a hamster, in his search for people who are even more screwed-up than he is. Tonight: Has Marty met his match? This woman identifies as “an alligator with a grudge.” Sponsored by some kind of liver pill.

Ch. 34  SPECIAL REPORT: REVOLT OF THE SKELETONS–News, of a sort

Kizzuwatna Township, Pennsylvania–is it the victim of an ancient Hittite curse that summons animated skeletons to attack the shopping malls? Anchor Dan Lather reports, “We are under siege by skeletons and the State Police don’t believe us!” Special guest stars: The June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

In The President’s Brain is Missing (1988: 17 minutes), President Smiley (Pee Wee Herman) raises suspicions when he orders a nuclear attack on Fowlerville, Michigan. It turns out his brain is missing! Can Special Agent Imble Zanagazza (John Smith) find it before his own coccyx gives out? Song: “I Am Too Debbie Reyolds.”

8:12 P.M.  Ch. 63  MY LITTLE SMOOGIE–Sitcom 

The most totally weird kid in the whole student body, Smoogie Gefilte (AI-created robot), is named principal of Meterbeater High–and the ousted principal (David Niven look-alike) wants revenge! Meanwhile, Smoogie is in the cafeteria, eating straws. This show was canceled when it was only halfway through production, so you know it must be special.

Well, how about those shows, me hearties? Me, I love those 17-minute movies. I’ll bet they could make ’em even shorter, if they tried.

3,078 Quokka Images, Stock Photos, 3D objects, & Vectors | Shutterstock

Be sure to grab a lot of yummy green leaves to sweeten your TV time!

The Executioner Makes House Calls (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

[If that ain’t the best headline I ever wrote, I’ll eat my hat.]

“Dear reader,” says Violet Crepuscular, introducing Chapter DCLXXXIII (No, we do not know what happened to Chapter DCLXXXII) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “you may have heard that confession is good for the soul. But Willis Twombley could tell you that sometimes it’s not too good for the rest of you!” [You have no idea how hard it was to restrain her from stretching this sentence out to the fringes of the solar system. You want to be an editor!? I could’ve been a tire salesman…]

It turns out that Parliament has just passed a law forbidding anyone to feed cat food to a Church of England vicar. That is exactly what Willis Twombley has done, and word of it has spread like yogurt. (Don’t ask!) The new law carries a death penalty, although in this case the victim can receive the treatment at home.

“Hadn’t you better move on, old chap, before the traveling executioner gets here?” asks Lord Jeremy Coldsore.

“What–and miss the wedding?” Both men are to be married to Lady Margo Cargo, who believes them to be one and the same person. “Anyhow, there ain’t nothin’ easier than bribin’ an executioner to say he did the job when he didn’t.”

But what if this executioner doesn’t take a bribe?

“Tune in next week to find out!” writes The Queen of Suspense. “The day you can’t bribe a traveling executioner with a box of toothpaste sandwiches… well, it’s the day the music dies!”

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 28

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TV Guide Magazine: The Cover Archive 1953 - today! | 1988 | March 12, 1988

{I couldn’t resist this TV Guide cover. This was the question that drove the Sphinx to jump off the cliff.)

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with your TV menu for the weekend. Best shows that were ever on the air! Like these–

7 P.M.   Ch. 33  BLANDED!–Dyslexic Western

Kevin Gupta stars as Jason Mason, drummed out of the U.S. Cavalry for mixing up his R’s and L’s. You can’t say “It was a gland palade” and get away with it. This week: “Plobrems with the Erection.” Genelar Glant: Petel Fark.

Ch. 61  61 MINUTES: THIS IS NEWS–No, it’s not

Co-anchors Popeye Schmidt and Fanny Vavoom lead a news team whose every member has had to be rescued from getting lost in small suburban parks. Sports anchor Wes Shambler got lost in his own living room! Tonight: Interview with presidential hopeful Ozzie Schlubb.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   HOLD YOUR BREATH–Game show

How long can these contestants stay under water? Host Doc Swivvle asks the questions that must be answered correctly before you’re allowed a breath of air. (“What is the sound of one hand clapping?” gets ’em every time.) Special guest: This really cool guy we met somewhere.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  THE DANCING DETECTIVES–Musical crime drama

The June Taylor Dancers star as the Detective Division of the Pinchy Corners, NJ, Police Dept.–and dance their way to the solution of the crime! This week: The old Batman villains scheme to throw the Dancers out of rhythm and trick them into dancing into a particularly nasty mud puddle. See if you can guess which villain is being played by Mary Stupid!

There–if that doesn’t rake in the viewers, I don’t know what will.

Playful Quokka Jumping

Here’s me trying out for the June Taylor Dancers!

P.S., to Those Who Have Advised Me to Relax: That’s just what I’m gonna do right now, for the rest of the day.

Confessions of Willis Twombley (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” addresses her legions and multitudes of readers: “Legions over there, multitudes, there. Please stand at attention.

“If you have been following my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, as assiduously as you should, you will surely be expecting, any chapter now, the long-delayed wedding of Lord Jeremy Coldsore–either as himself or as Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad–and Lady Margo Cargo.

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a little longer. Something’s come up!”

Thus she introduces Chapter DCLXXXI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. 

Lady Margo believes Lord Jeremy and Mr. Twombley are the same person. This is why the vicar went mad: he was going to have to officiate at the wedding.

But now, suddenly, Twombley has a change of heart, an awakening: some secrets can only be kept for so long. “Then they blow up!” asserts Ms. Crepuscular. In this case, it was Twombley’s neighbor’s hen house that blew up.

“There’s some things I gotta confess to you and Lady Margo, Germy, old boy! First, I’m not really Sargon of Akkad. That’s just a disguise to scare off the Babylonians. Second, I’ve already wed three wives. Third, if I try to say that last sentence really fast, I get tongue-tied. Fourth, I’ve shot some people that maybe I shouldn’t have. And fifth, I been feedin’ the vicar cat food on the sly, and it’s my fault he now thinks he’s a cat!”

The rest of the list, we are warned, doesn’t bear repeating.

I think I’ll go lie down.