Mrs. Sondra Wrzjbrsky of Parts Unknown, Nebraska, has written to warn me off writing about centaurs. Actually, with this keyboard, it’s surprising I can write about anything.
“It will not be tolerated,” wrote Mrs. W. “Centaurs are not without influence in high places. If you want to find out how a loaf of bread feels when you run over it with a car, just keep right on doing what you’re doing, mister.”
Mrs. Wrzjbrsky also objects of the non-inclusion of centaurs in my novels. “You’ll be up on hate speech charges. Mark my words!”
Enough. Tomorrow I have to search for a data recovery shop in hopes of recovering the data from my failed computer. This is complicated by being unable to print out directions to the place. I won’t have time to worry about offending centaurs.
I got the quarterly sales figures for my books today. When I finished wailing and rending my garments, I comforted myself with the knowledge that at least they’re doing better than some other books, including these:
Hobart and Gzunt Go to the Foot Doctor. The oddly misshapen twins both think they have corns, but it turns out that nothing’s wrong.
The Homeless Person’s Guide to the Stock Market. They’re kidding, right?
Toward a Digital Future for the Teaching of Welsh Dialects in Tanzania’s Secondary Schools, with Japanese Subtitles. This one’ll set you back $549.99. No takers yet.
Joe Collidge’s Larn To tel Time! Boook.
This is the definitive manual for persons approaching their 35th birthdays and still in undergraduate studies, who have not yet mastered the skill of telling time by a clock or watch.
I’m sure there are others.
Now you, too, can be a superhero! With a costume, no less!
Simply send a $500 Target Gift Card to Super-Powers “R” Us in Foshkaloksha, Uzbekistan, and you will receive our Official Superhero Starter Kit.
This lavishly-illustrated 25-page pamphlet will tell you everything you need to know about designing your own superhero costume, developing whatever super-powers you want to have–invisibility, super-strength, X-ray vision, flying, mind-reading: you name it, it’s yours!–and how to go about fighting crime, rescuing people, and stopping natural disasters like floods and hurricanes.
This is the very same pamphlet that made Sean Facehead of Ollantallambocuxhi, Bolivia, into Wow Man, the Invincible Caped Flying Man of the Andes. Don’t take our word for it–ask him!
Make sure you have the Target Gift Card made out to “Bearer.”
We’ll send it right back to you if you aren’t a genuine superhero within 365 business days.
Patzer Products proudly announces a new line of hi-tech golf balls specially designed to raise and reinforce the golfer’s self-esteem.
Outwardly, Patzer’s Tru-Flite balls look just like any other golf balls. But thanks to a miniaturized digital proactive guidance system on the inside, Tru-Flite will give you a hole in one every time you hit the ball! All you have to do is hit it; the ball will do the rest. Right into the cup, every single time!
Imagine a PGA tournament which everybody wins! In which every golfer hits a hole in one, every time he swings the club! Imagine someone who really stinks at golf suddenly finishing every course 70 strokes under par!
Especially recommended for today’s college students, Tru-Flite balls really do cost a lot–but that’s okay, because The Rich are going to be forced to pay for them.
The management regrets to inform the readership that Joe Collidge has been rushed to the emergency room at Dizzy Dean Hospital following an attempt to spell the word “weltanschauung.” The word means “world view.” It is not known why Mr. Collidge did not simply write “world view.”
According to a confidential source, “The top of his head come off and there wasn’t nothing in it.”
A full recovery is expected, according to another source, we forget which one.
All right, so I don’t have a dog. I wouldn’t let my cats read it, either.
Oy, Rodney! by Violet Crepuscular is one of those awful romance novels, but with an added twist: the author has hired goons–formal job description, “literary consultants”–to go into bookstores and make thinly veiled threats. The plot ain’t nothin’ to write home about, either.
Can young Lord Jeremy Coldsore, 5th Viscount Atropine, win the love of the aging but still quite homely Dame Margo Cargo, the richest woman in Scurvyshire? Or will the mysterious stranger who looks like Ed Begley, but isn’t, get in first? What is the awful secret concealed under the Vicar’s plastic wading pool? And how come there’s no character in this book actually named Rodney?
I haven’t read the book, so I can’t answer those questions.
Police in Shoggoth Township, Michigan, have broken up a gang of ancient Egyptian mummies who were allegedly attempting to infiltrate the Heydude Trailer Park.
It is believed the police were tipped off by a cat.
“We believe the mummies’ original target was a deserted Victorian house on Hobart Street,” said Det. Sgt. Warren Peace, “but you know how easily mummies get confused.”
A spokesman for the trailer park said it was not park policy to allow mummies.
Like, there was this top-secret mission, see, and these Delta Force guys, they had to go into Siberia and the Russians, they didn’t know because it was secret, man, secret! And then the Delta Force guys, they seen these prehistoric woolly mammoths and shot this video, and then the video of this top-secret mission, it winds up on youtube…
But really–don’t I wish! Oh, I’d love to see a mammoth!
(Well, dude, you shoulda joined Delta Force, man…!)
This just in!
Bunion Township police were at first incredulous when a woman sobbed out a tale of “some kind of horse thing with a beard” snatched her purse and “galloped, I tell you” into the dense forest lining both sides of Popocatapetl Road. But when the construction of an Indenti-Kit picture yielded the image of a centaur, they had to take the story seriously.
It is not known what the centaur will do with the woman’s purse. Meanwhile, interviews with residents have confirmed that there is a half-man, half-horse thingy living in the area. “I come out one morning and he was using my trampoline,” a man reported.
At first skeptical of the reports, Mayor Alphonse Testacol has just announced a $15.00 reward to the first person who can provide video of the centaur.
“It could get tricky,” said Police Chief Warren Peece, “if the centaur disguises itself with makeup from the purse.”
How would you like to have the one and only Mona Lisa hanging in your living room? Well, Leonardi da Vinci’s legendary masterpiece will be yours–if you’re the lucky reader who posts Comment No. 15,000 on this blog. And there are under 200 left to go, so all aboard!
Dude, this painting is worth, like, hundreds of dollars! Some guy down the street, he said he can, like, get it for me from The Loove, which is, like, a museum in Paris (or is it Kansas City?).
If by some mischance this arrangement goes belly-up, the prize will be an autographed copy of one of my books.
All readers are eligible, and all you have to do is leave a comment. All comments are eligible, except for any that are abusive of anyone else on this site, or contain blasphemy, or profanity, or commercial messages thinly disguised as comments, or remarks that are just too inane to bother with.
I can hardly wait to see what the winning comment will be!