G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on this stupid crummy computer that won’t let me post a TV guide page… and all the letters come out light-grey, almost impossible to read. This is why certain people hate technology. It was all we could do to post this picture of moi.
Well, we have another weekend of scintillating TV for you. Grab a crunchy leaf, settle down, and tune in. Here’s a sample from our menu.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 56 FUMFER!–Sitcom, with hydrological overtones
Sid Fumfer (Slim Pickens) thinks there’s an intruder hiding in his house who looks exactly like him, wears exactly the same clothes, and does exactly the same things at the same time. Ma Fumfer: Joey Heatherton. Mirror repairman: Charles Atlas. Featured song: “I Look Like Dali Drew Me.”
7:45 P.M. Ch. 19 ‘ALWAYS POSITIVE’ NEWS & WEATHER–(You’re asking?)
It doesn’t have to be true, as long as it makes you feel good! Join anchors PeeWee Herman and Chelsea Clinton as they serve up one happy news item after another! The weather’s always going to be nice, too! Meteorologist: Woody Woodpecker (the real one, not the cartoon).
8:00 P.M. Ch. 05 MOVIE OF THE WEAK–Feeble Bergman imitation
In “Wild Boysenberries” (Swedish/Franciscan, 1994), a college professor (H.P. Lovecraft) falls in love with a young girl’s paper hat while his wife learns yoga from a puckish Scotsman (Howard DaSilva). Unforgettable cameo appearance by Dan Rather on a pogo stick.
Ch. 16 BLAZING GUNS OF YASHMAK CITY–Experimental Western
The June Taylor Dancers have their work cut out for them when they’re elected sheriff of Yashmak City, the town where a 22% murder rate is the least of their problems. For one thing, it’s almost impossible to fit all 16 of the Dancers into the pokey little sheriff’s office already crowded with the mummified remains of previous sheriffs. And then there’s Fong Hsueh-Ting (Simon Oakland), the meanest man west of the Pillars of Hercules…
8:30 P.M. Ch. 64 BOWLING FOR YOUR LIFE–Game show
What if your life depended on making that spare? What if some maniacal announcer (computer-generated: no one’s that crazy) kept distracting you? What if the bowling ball stopped rolling, halfway down the lane? What if you couldn’t pull your fingers out of the little holes? How much can you take before you just plain snap? It’s a laugh a minute, produced by the World Health Organization.
Well, that does it. You have to watch at least one of these shows because I have a bet on with Joe Collidge that my posts get more views than his. If he wins, he gets an honorary degree from Quokka University and that’s that for our credibility! If I win, he has to soak his head. It might do him some good.
P.S.–Now the letters are normal again. I’m confused!