Ms. Crepuscular Sues Her Readers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

It is a beautiful sunny day in Scurveyshire. A hydra glides down Tottenham High Street, looking for fresh victims. But at least we are no longer groping around 800,000 years in the future, dodging giant crabs. That plot line, the publisher assures us, has been shut down.

Introducing Chapter CDLXI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular announces a plan to sue every reader who signed a petition demanding that the book make some sort of sense. “They have violated my artistic freedom,” she pasteurizes. “Who ever heard of readers telling a novelist what to write? You 26 doofuses who went behind my back to the publisher–prepare to get your pants sued off!”

Meanwhile, Lady Margo Cargo must replace her wig, which caught fire a couple of chapters ago, and someone has to put the vicar back to bed: these latest conniptions really took it out of him. Aside from the jackalope eating up the garden, life in Scurveyshire is getting back to normal.

But then Constable Chumley, in the depths of Scurvey Forest, discovers what he can only describe as “forthin’ yair vibbles, ainy shy yer broykin.”

The suspense is downright grovitting.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 15

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of fantastic television, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a bit of the menu.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 03   JOHNNY POTATO-HEAD–Adventure

What if Mr. Potato Head were a secret government agent, a master of disguise, and all-around nebbish? Ricardo Montalban plays the classic toy with the huge brown head and goofy eyes that pop in and out. Sophia Loren is his comical sidekick, Mrs. Potato Head.

Ch. 11  THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN COCCYX–Detective Drama

John Cassavetes plays Victor Tailbone, the hard-boiled private eye with the golden coccyx that scares the living daylights out of the most hardened criminals. This week: Crime boss Sonje Henie (Mickey Mantle) tries to turn Victor’s pet axolotl (Lorne Greene) against him.

7:18 P.M.  Ch. 12  CELEBRITY SKY-DIVING–Totally stupid risk-taking

You’re a celebrity on your way out, career in ruins… But if you can parachute safely after flying over Perth Amboy, NJ, your comeback is assured. If not… “Well, we never said all our parachutes were in proper working order!” quips host Rip Taylor (who is very lucky not to be a contestant himself). Special guest sky-diver: Pee Wee Herman.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 28  VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF LAKE HOPATCONG–Drama

The crew of the USS Jerry Mathers won’t let Admiral LaFong (Richard Baseheart) take the sub all the way to the bottom–because of an underwater city inhabited by the June Taylor Dancers. Featured song: My Duodenum Isn’t Working. Guest star: Pinky Lee.

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 45  WHO’S GOT COOTIES?–Game Show

Join host Justin Trudeau as he peers into the depths of contestants’ knickers to see which ones have cooties! The celebrity panel–Abbot & Costello, Patty Duke, Chelsea Clinton, Howard Cosell–has 5 minutes in which to determine who has cooties and where. If they fail, they have to take Trudeau home with them.

968 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Well, that’s that! Let the weekend rattle on by while you enjoy nice crunchy leaves and TV programs whose like you’ve never seen before. Quality guaranteed!

The Whole Shebang Collapses (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

I knew this would happen. It was inevitable.

Violet Crepuscular has lost the thread of her story.

Last week we had Chapter CDLX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, dealing with a colossal match-fixing scandal in Scurveyshire’s Boxing Day Boxing Tournament, It looked like the entire shire was going to go backrupt. And there was still that business of the hydra and the jackalope.

And yet suddenly, inexplicably, we find ourselves at Chapter MMMMMCDLXIIXIX, somewhere around the year 800,000 A.D., with giant crabs dominating the landscape and humans forced to share cardboard boxes with their cats.

“Bet you never saw that coming!” Ms. Crepuscular cuckolds her readers.

This really is the limit. It’s not like Ms. Crepuscular’s is the most demanding audience in the world. Indeed, they are content with practically nothing. Just don’t let air out of their tires, and they’ll hail you as a literary giant.

Violet, you’d better get back on track or I’ll have no alternative but to shut you down, “Queen of Suspense” or not. The last thing I need is mobs of Oy, Rodney fans throwing stuff at my bedroom window.

Don’t you push this thing too far.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 8

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 3: 1977! Yeah, I know  that makes no sense… | Branded in the 80s

G’day, TV lovers! I hope you’ve got a good supply of crunchy leaves on hand–this weekend’s viewing will keep you glued to your seats. A few examples:

6:48 P.M.  Ch. 02   HEADLESS SIMON–Experimental

Simon’s head fell off one night, but you’d never know it! Kaz Garaz stars as private eye Simon Schnitzler, an intruder into high society: he really creeps you out until you get used to him. This week, Headless Simon teams up with Bodiless Jim (Clayton Moore) to solve a case of vandalism. Featured: A musical number by Gorilla Monsoon, “I’m in the Mood (Why Aren’t You?)”

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   ASK MR. STUPID!–Educational

“This clown doesn’t know anything!” exclaims guest hostess Queen Elizabeth II, live from Shambly Palace (that’s the castle that they don’t like to use). Join eager contestants as they try to find a question, any question, that Mr. Stupid can answer correctly. The real Mr. Stupid’s identity is a closely-guarded secret–guarded, in fact, by the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 14   THE PUDDLESONS–Sitcom

Mike and Minnie Puddleson (Steve Reeves, Linda Hunt) live in a mud puddle just barely deep enough to sit in. Their tadpoles, Jeffy and Lulu, have to attend school in a jar. This week, a crisis! A leg pops out of Jeffy’s left side. “It’s not even a human leg!” Mike laments.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   MOVIE–Exotic Western

In “Head-Hunting Crazies of Kibble City, Wyoming” (1981), the head-hunting Pombo Tribe, chased out of the Andes by the Peruvian government, establishes itself in Kibble City. Tourist Chick Chamby (Bob Denver) is horrified to discover that the Souvenir Shrunken Head he purchased is the real thing! But who’s going to investigate a cityful of accountants? Special guest stars: Peruvian Special Forces Glee Club.

Ch. 46  CELEBRITY PAYBACK–Viewers’ Revenge

Host Dr. Fu Manchu (himself) subjects captured celebrities to various torments. Favorite Line: “So you think just by being on TV, people should pay attention to you when you babble? But we have ways of correcting such presumption!”

Will international police catch and stop the Doctor before he can corral the Kardashians? Stay tuned!

Well, there you have it–best we could do around here, with Lee still kind of horse de combat. Lost the whole New Year’s weekend… *Sigh*  Might as well check out The Puddlesons.

71 QUOKKAS!!!!!! ideas | quokka, happy animals, cute animals

Hary Potler He Musst Chainge His Naime!!!!!

Pin by Grateful Crafter on Anim 104 Proj 4 | Flying broomstick, Harry  potter, Harry

It Snode heer on Kampis lasst Ni”gh”t!!! And woodent “yiu” Know it???! Inntwo the Stoodint Lownj busts a Kampis Patrole sh”ou”tin and Screemin “”I seen himb, I seen himb, he’s fleying “Aruound” up thare, fleying on his Broomb.””

We hased to pracktickly drownd himb to clam himb Down!!!! And we kep axking himb “Whoo didded yiu See up thare, whoo Was it???”” And he fineley telled us–

“Hary Potler, that’s whoo It was!!!!! Hary Potler and his broomb!!”

Well that was Harred “to” beleave!!! “Are yiu Shure it warent somb boddy Elsse on a broomb??” but he sayed “”I” know Hary Potler wen I sea himb, i’se seed Awl The Moovies; and if yiu doughnt Beleave Me, goh Out-Syde and see himb for yore selfs!!!!!”

So we awl runned Out-Syde and thare he “was,,” fleying ruound and ruoung the whether vain. “Hary waht yiu Dooing up thare”?”? “I wahnt to Goto Collidege!!!” he bibbled “Ownly thay woont let me becase Jakay Rowling she is Aunti-Trans!!”

Lucky we hadded somb one fromb The Stoodint Soviet rihght “thare!”! “Yiu can goto Collidge rihght hear and nhaow,,” shee sayed, “awl yiu Has “to” Do is chainge Yore naimb!!!!!!” Well that maid himb so hapy, he zooomed strate Up “into” “The” air and done a Power Dyve ownly he “mustof” over-did It becauwse he went Splat!! rihght into The Frog Pond (watt a mess!)!) But he Sure taut Jakay Rowling a lessen!!!!!!!!!!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 5

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV May 1st through 7th, 1971

G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here with last weekend’s TV listings. My humans are sick and there’s no one to help me but this girl quokka named Bluecy who has a crush on Don Knotts and, well, you know how that goes…

So here’s a sample of awe-inspiring TV, courtesy of Quokka University:

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 06   AT HOME WITH THE BLOB–Sitcom/Drama

What if The Blob had married Barbara Billingsley and settled down in a nice suburban neighborhood, and had a lot of little Blobs, and only occasionally succumbed to the desire to engulf the postman? Steve McQueen must’ve been crazy, to turn down this role! Voice of the Blob: Jack Benny. Terrified neighbor: Dick Butkus.

Ch. 11  JEFFY THE GIANT–Gritty Urban Drama

When he discovers he can’t go scuba-diving in the tiny little frog pond in his neighborhood without his butt sticking up above the water, private investigator Jeffy Honker (Simon Oakland) suddenly realizes he and his neighbors, their houses and cars, and everything else–except for this pond–has been mysteriously blown up to titanic size. Can he track down the man who holds the key to the mystery–the man with the backward coccyx? Special guest star: Jimmy Durante.

7:44 P.M.   Ch. 76  ANT FARM NEWS–News for insects

Join host Ed McMahon as he pitches the day’s news to ant farm and terrarium residents all over the country–anything with six legs or more! This was the project Ed was working on when they came to take him away.

8 P.M.  Ch. 14   QUICKSAND!–Game Show

Right in front of you, so close that you can almost touch them, are glittering prizes beyond the dreams of avarice; but between them and you lies… quicksand! Will any of the contestants make it across without getting sucked down? Says Emcee Alan Hale Jr., “If you can grab it, you can keep it!” Featuring the June Taylor Dancers and the Los Angeles County Pathology Dept.

Ch. 38  MOVIE–Historical Melodrama with Pinatas

In “Count Smorga the Ghoul” (Korean/Dutch, 1971), Danny Kaye stars as The Other Count Smorga, persistent boyfriend of the Queen of Sweden (Spring Byington), frustrated by everybody’s taking him for that evil Count Smorga who hides himself in a forest of pinatas. This marked the film debut of pro wrestler Gorilla Monsoon, who also directed. Dancing master: BoBo Brazil.

Well, folks, there you have it! It’s been cold and dark and rainy all week here, and we need nice TV to tide us over. Enjoy!

962 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

The Great Boxing Day Scandal (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

Ah, the sunny clime of Scurveyshire! What a relief to get back to it.

In Chapter CDLX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, “the Queen of Suspense” (oh, forsooth, I’m getting tired of having to plug that in!), takes us to the village common of Scurveyshire for the annual Boxing Day Boxing Tournament for Boxers. Ever since the 13th century, every man, woman, and child in Scurveyshire is required to box, with the winner given the ability to see the future. It’s good old-fashioned bare-knuckle boxing, and no one is exempt. Matchups are all drawn out of a hat. Whose hat, we are not told.

Some of the matches are, of course, unfair: Hercules Machiste, the brawny village blacksmith, against 98-year-old Widow Westley, for instance. Helped out of her wheelchair by two of her great-grandchildren, the widow flabbergasts all Scurveyshire by landing what seems barely to qualify as a love-tap and knocking out the tower of muscle men know as Machiste.

With the odds against the widow listed as 20,000 to 1, Bob the Bookie is ruined. But who was it who actually bet five pounds sterling on the Widow Westley?

“Dear reader,” Ms. Crepuscular juxtaposes, “I have not forgotten the hydra lurking in the middle of the village, nor the fearful jackalope! But surely you can imagine the stink of fight-fixing arising from this seeming triumph of a little old lady against a veritable mountain of a man! Machiste once knocked out a statue!”

Instantaneously arises a demand to investigate the controversial bout. It falls to Lord Jeremy to carry out the investigation. Before he can do so, Machiste sits up and wonders, “What hit me?”

Jeremy turns to Constable Chumley. “Constable, arrest that man!” But Chumley demurs: “La, m’lord, ane vivvle yinter stock wi’ only borret yon beeve!” Jeremy does not know how to answer that objection.

High Noon in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

It’s Boxing Day in Scurveyshire! Everything grinds to a halt.

Back in 1206, Lord Watnot, 4th Earl of Coldsore, decreed that Boxing Day should be devoted to boxing matches. Originally everyone in Scurveyshire had to box. That custom was changed in 1452 when Lord Pingo was knocked silly and left unable to participate in the Wars of the Roses.

Introducing Chapter CDLIX (pronounced “coodlicks”) of her epic romance, Oy Rodney, Violet Crepuscular apologizes for tabling the agonizingly suspenseful confrontation between Willis Twombley and a marauding jackalope. “The reader will appreciate,” she bowdlerizes, “that we simply don’t do confrontations on Boxing Day in Scurveyshire. I didn’t get where I am today, doing confrontations on Boxing Day in Scurveyshire.”

The Jackalope - Danger Ranger Bear

A jackalope. Beware!

Whatever comes hopping out of the vicar’s kitchen garden–is it Jack the Jackalope, or something worse?–finds no trace of Willis Twombley waiting for a showdown. No one’s around at all. Unbreakable custom has driven them all to the village common for a whole day’s worth of bare-knuckle boxing bouts. The winner gets the ability to see into the future, but without anyone ever believing a single thing he says about it. Last year’s winner, Mrs. Marilyn “Popeye” Sloan, came out of a trance with a warning about Enron stocks. No one listened.

“Now,” writes Violet, “the stage is set for a new champion, a new glimpse into the distant future. And don’t forget, there’s still a hydra on the loose! I don’t know about you, deer reader, but the suspense is killing me!”

It isn’t exactly doing wonders for us, Violet.

Byron’s TV Listings, Christmas Day 2021

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: September 28, 1963

G’day and Merry Christmas, from all of us on Rottnest Island, to all of you out there!

If you’re like a lot of humans, by 2 or 3 o’clock this afternoon, you’re going to be wiped out, beat, exhausted, etc. That’s where we come in! Just park yourself in front of your TV screen with a nice lapful of crunchy leaves, and we’ll do the rest.

2:06 P.M.  Ch. 04   TO BE ANNOUNCED–(Unknown)

Here’s the show that’s different every day! Even the folks who write the TV listings don’t know what it’s gonna be. Last week it was Comrade Nikita’s Puppet Show from the People’s Glorious Theater in Vladivostok. This week–who knows? Host: To be announced.

2:15 P.M.   Ch. 06   EMERGENCY CRISIS ALERT!–Overheated News

Join anchorman Gary “That Disgusting Caterpillar” Svipdag, who really does look like a gigantic caterpillar sitting at the news anchor’s desk. In fact, it’s terribly distracting! I mean, you keep asking yourself, “What if he ever gets loose, and turns up in my garden?” This could give you nightmares! We are sorry we listed it.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 116   FRANKIE SCHEVERNADZE ON CHESS–Educational

Learn how to play chess just like Frankie Schevernadze, who was once forced to quit the Soviet Union chess team because he never won a game, let alone a match. His English is almost as bad as his chess! Guest players chosen at random from among the studio audience usually wipe up the floor with Frankie–in fact, that was the original name of the show, Wipe Up the Floor with Frankie. They lost the sponsorship of Ace Janitorial Supplies when the sponsor found out the show was about chess, not mopping floors.

Ch. 117    MOVIE–Science Fiction/Art

In Wrestling Women and the Aztec Mummy vs. the Thing from Somewhere (1954), Duke Snider shows why he decided to stick with baseball. Famously, Duke plays the Aztec Mummy (Leo Durocher never let him forget it). Musical numbers and dance tunes by a rather large hamster and his orchestra.

3 P.M.   Ch. 24   NUCLEAR PHYSICS FOR HOME AND OFFICE–Science

Let the June Taylor Dancers show you how to make your own nuclear reactor in your cellar! With a little Uranium, which you can enrich yourself, you’re in business. This week’s celebrity guest, Liberace, shows the Dancers how to turn the reactor into a bomb. Sponsored by Duck ‘n’ Cover Umbrellas Inc.

Well, that’s only a sample of the truly mindless TV we’ve got lined up for you today! I love those Aztec Mummy movies! Didja ever see the one that was pattered on Hamlet? Sort of Ed Wood meets Shakespeare.

This is Byron the Quokka signing off, wishing you a Merry Christmas Day!

Quokka Christmas - Rottnest Island" Art Board Print by Lunaqwa | Redbubble

Jackalope’s Rampage (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

When we concluded Chapter CDLVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, monsters were ravaging Scurveyshire and Lady Margo Cargo’s wig was on fire. No wonder they call Violet the Queen of Suspense.

Then along comes Chapter CDLVII, which was all about some dopy cousin of hers who used to sit in mud puddles. Ah! But Chapter CDLVIII looks promising! It opens with the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, strapping on his six-guns. I’m sorry, but I don’t think he looks like this:

Sargon of Akkad - World History Encyclopedia

Johnno the Merry Minstrel, who is horse de combat because of the hydra (bit one of his arms off, actually), waylays Willis in the hall. “Twombley!” he pristulates. “Where are you going, man?”

“I’m a-goin’ to plug me that jackalope,” he explains. “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Can’t let the critter eat everybody’s vegetables.” He cannot be persuaded to tackle the hydra instead. He may be crazy, but he’s not stupid.

It has been discovered that the name of the jackalope is Jack. Twombley will bear that in mind as he moves toward the fateful confrontation. Ennio Moriconne music plays in the background. It’s almost impossible to dance to Ennio Moriconne music, as Lady Margo and Lord Jeremy soon discover. Lady Margo removes her wig, now a blacked handful of ash.

“Jack!” Twombley’s voice rings out. “I’m callin’ you out, Jack!”

And out from the vicar’s kitchen garden hops–oh, the suspense! How the dickens can she leave it hanging there? A reader’s gonna get you for that, one of these days…