Tag Archives: general silliness

Special Treat: Live Mammoth Baloney

Like, there was this top-secret mission, see, and these Delta Force guys, they had to go into Siberia and the Russians, they didn’t know because it was secret, man, secret! And then the Delta Force guys, they seen these prehistoric woolly mammoths and shot this video, and then the video of this top-secret mission, it winds up on youtube…

But really–don’t I wish! Oh, I’d love to see a mammoth!

(Well, dude, you shoulda joined Delta Force, man…!)


Centaur Sighting: Bunion, NJ

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This just in!

Bunion Township police were at first incredulous when a woman sobbed out a tale of “some kind of horse thing with a beard” snatched her purse and “galloped, I tell you” into the dense forest lining both sides of Popocatapetl Road. But when the construction of an Indenti-Kit picture yielded the image of a centaur, they had to take the story seriously.

It is not known what the centaur will do with the woman’s purse. Meanwhile, interviews with residents have confirmed that there is a half-man, half-horse thingy living in the area. “I come out one morning and he was using my trampoline,” a man reported.

At first skeptical of the reports, Mayor Alphonse Testacol has just announced a $15.00 reward to the first person who can provide video of the centaur.

“It could get tricky,” said Police Chief Warren Peece, “if the centaur disguises itself with makeup from the purse.”


Win This Famous Work of Art!

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How would you like to have the one and only Mona Lisa hanging in your living room? Well, Leonardi da Vinci’s legendary masterpiece will be yours–if you’re the lucky reader who posts Comment No. 15,000 on this blog. And there are under 200 left to go, so all aboard!

Dude, this painting is worth, like, hundreds of dollars! Some guy down the street, he said he can, like, get it for me from The Loove, which is, like, a museum in Paris (or is it Kansas City?).

If by some mischance this arrangement goes belly-up, the prize will be an autographed copy of one of my books.

All readers are eligible, and all you have to do is leave a comment. All comments are eligible, except for any that are abusive of anyone else on this site, or contain blasphemy, or profanity, or commercial messages thinly disguised as comments, or remarks that are just too inane to bother with.

I can hardly wait to see what the winning comment will be!


More Amazing False Facts

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If we ever do go fully postmodern, and we want to get along, we must master the art of non-factuality. If nothing is true, we must rely on statements that sound true when spoken with a calm conviction. We also wish to convey non-information that will impress our hearers.

So here are a few that you can practice on. See if you can wow people you meet on the supermarket checkout line!

*The Welsh people originally came from China in the 1940s. Prior to that, Wales was inhabited by movie stars.

*The game of polo was invented by Thomas Edison–not by Tesla, as is erroneously believed. In Tesla’s game, players rode on hogs, not horses.

*The fad of indoor fireworks was responsible for the Great Chicago Fire of 1506.

*The original, classical Greek alphabet had only five letters in it, all of them vowels. Consonants were only added after the Romans complained.

*The earliest living things on Planet Earth were rocks, although they didn’t look it.

There you have it, just what you need to get started. Remember, Saving The Planet depends on making twaddle sound like wisdom.


Centaur Skeleton Escapes

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The coverup is over! Centaurs are real, and the government cannot control them.

A centaur skeleton has escaped from a secret facility operated by the U.S. Secret Facilities Agency, according to reports by Clickbait. The skeleton escaped by pretending to be a skeleton. While custodians were counting the flesh-and-blood centaurs, the skeleton slipped out via the fire escape.

There is no cause for alarm, stated William “Boffo” Paczynski, mayor of Pleurisy City, Kentucky. His comment led to speculation that the secret facility is located in or near his town.

Persons catching sight of the fleeing centaur skeleton are advised to shut up about it.


Transgender Centaur Sighting!

A reader who wishes his identity protected at all costs arranged for this video to be smuggled out of a university’s gender research facility. “If they know it was me who gave you this, I’m toast,” he says. Well, Dr. Gesundheit, your secret’s safe with us!

The video, it is claimed–by who? search me–is proof positive that centaurs, like humans, are sometimes transgendered. “You’ll see that for yourself if you watch carefully,” said Name Withheld. “This is a blockbuster discovery–on a par with discovering a Blockbuster Video store still open. It just blows away everything we thought we knew about centaurs.”


I Has had a Dreem

I ate me a peace of a swetter last nihgt and it “must of had” like Carpet Cleener on it or somthing becose it Gived me a wiled Dream!

I drempt Pressidint Obamma he come “back” and made A Revilution and got rid “of” Donold trump and al them biggits and Haters witch suported “him” and than Obamma he turnt “into” a god! and he made Hillery the Pressidint insted of Trump and so she Lived “in the” Wite House And gess waht? I was her Boy Freind!!! and Bil Clintin he dint Mind becose he “had” a lott of Girl Freinds!

Yes! Wow!! i was Hillery’s Boy Freind now and i got To sleap “on” the Flore rihght by her Bed! and than She sayed “Mothy” (That was Her pet “naime” for Me( come “on Up hear a Minnet” and I thinked O Man this It Is goin to be Grate! and yiu know Waht she done then??? She gived Me a Indain Burn!!! Oboy that hurt!!!

And i sayed “how Come yiu” gived Me a Indain Burn and she sayed Becose I Can!! “I wil give This hole stinkin countrie a big fat Indain Burn and yiu wil here Them howell!! And then she strated Lauhghing and she Lauhghed so Loud it waked me up and thare i was freezing and my Moth Antenners thay Had Ice in them Rihght thare in My prefesser’s Tool shed! my Teeths thay wore Chatterin “so” bad i culdnt hardly “talk” but he Wuldnt give me No more blankits becose he sayed Its Globbal Warming “and whye” shuld he waist anether Blankit?

Wel i sayed Gee but I am awffle Cold! and he “sayed” Yiu be carful Waht yiu say or I “wil have yiu up on” charges of Climbit Change Denile and yiu dont “want” evry One to think yuo are a Racist do yiu??” Wel I gess that reely Shut me up!!!

I tell yiu this eddication It is reely Hard some times!!!

 


Humans Imitating Cats

This video leaves out some of the more questionable cat behaviors, so don’t worry about getting grossed out if you watch it.


William the Conqueror’s Favorite Movie

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Y2K wasn’t all end-of-the-world alarmism. I do remember assorted sages urging people to sell everything they had, convert it all to cash, and head for the nearest and deepest abandoned lead mine: although what good cash was going to do you, with all of civilization in ruins, I never quite understood.

Some of Y2K was, well, goofy. Like the effort to decide what was the best movie of the past thousand years, the Movie of the Millenium. Like, after he invaded and conquered England in 1066, William the Conqueror took Queen Matilda to the nabe so they could watch A Bug’s Life.

This leads us down a path of fascinatingly useless conjecture. Think of major historical figures down through the centuries, from 1001 to 2000, and try to figure out what their favorite movies would have been. Wouldn’t you just love to know ? Take Peter the Hermit: how do you think he’d have liked Forbidden Planet? Or the Bronte sisters, grooving on Singin’ in the Rain. What sort of flick would have most appealed to Jim Bowie? Wow, you could stay up all night, racking your brain over this.

Doesn’t it sound like it has the potential to become a whole new degree program at a lot of colleges? I am sure it would catch on quickly.

(Great Scott, what have I done?)


The Cardiff Giant’s Confession

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Hi, everybody–it’s me, the Cardiff Giant.

Y’know, they like to say I was one of the great hoaxes of the 19th century. I sort of resent that. I mean, who likes to be called a hoax?

I’m so tired of being called a hoax, I’ve decided it’s finally time to tell the truth!

Forget everything you ever heard about me. It’s all bunk.

The amazing truth is, the Russians dug me up and then secretly planted me in New York State for someone else to dig up and say I was a petrified human being from way back before the Flood. You want to know where the Russians dug me up? Well, they never told me. You’d have to ask some guy named Putin.

Why did they plant me in New York State, on somebody’s farm? I’ll tell you: for no other reason than to–oh, doggone it! Would you believe it? I forgot! That’s what happens when you just lie around doing nothing for years and years at a stretch: your brain goes kind of funny.

All right, I’ll be back when I remember what it is that I was going to tell you. And don’t forget to drop in and say hello whenever you pass through wherever I’m on display, these days. I’ve quite lost track of my location…


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