G’day! Byron the Quokka here, by special request: Phoebe has ordered out Team Quokka to try to cheer everybody up. Lee is looking at his viewer numbers and it’s distressing him.
Well, how many times have I told him, “You’ve got to start giving away bicycles”? Look, here’s another bike somebody just left sitting here, obviously doesn’t want it anymore. Yes, I know the owner just stepped into the ice cream parlor for a cone. Of course he’d be cheesed off if he came back out and found some quokkas had spirited away his bicycle. But what if he decided to stay inside the ice cream parlor?
Yes, I know it’s been a bad year. I don’t bother with the nooze anymore. We don’t have CNN on Rottnest Island. But we do have a lot of bikes standing around unused!
G’day! Byron the Quokka here. And the girl in the picture is named Proserpina (Annie for short): she was Miss Rottnest in 2017, and she’s here to tell you about Quokka University’s latest fund-raiser–False Facts Galore!
G’day, everybody, I’m chaaaahmed to be here! Hey, you can really go to town with False Facts Galore–more whoppers, more pure misinformation, than ever before! Your friends will be simply amazed by all these things you know, that they never heard of.
Without further ado, here are a few of my favorites. Don’t worry–there’s a whole box of brand-new False Facts cards! You won’t run out of ’em in a hurry!
Just clear your throat and let ‘er rip!
*Annie the Quokka invented shoe polish in 2014. (That’s my No. 1 fave!)
*The source of the Congo River is at Schenectady, New York.
*More people with functional third eyes live in Indianapolis than anywhere else in the world.
*The Krnitzle Potato Bug of South Israel is able to respond to verbal commands given by any human being that can imitate its mating call. But really, it’s not worth doing.
*Mail-in voting is perfectly safe from fraud.
*The ancient Romans had no vowels in their language until a man named Alvin forced them to add some.
Of course I could’ve spent all day sharing these wonderful False Facts, guaranteed to be 100% Truth-Free… but then you might not want to shell out twenty bucks to buy a set. All the money will go to fund Quokka U.’s guest speaker program. Honest.
I really hoped we’d have a comment contest winner yesterday, but it didn’t happen. And today, so far, we have zero comments!
Did I mention the winner, the reader who posts Comment No. 65,000, gets an autographed paddle ball? Like this:
And of course this gigantic picture comes up when I was shooting for just a little-bitty one. Looks like it’s going to be that kind of day.
Or you can win an autographed copy of Lee’s new book, His Mercy Endureth Forever.
If nobody comments, then no one will win either of these fantastic spiffy prizes. I told him the prize ought to be a bicycle: he’d be combin’ comments out of his hair this morning. I told him, but does he listen? Crikey! At the rate he’s going, this blog’ll disappear altogether by Saturday. And there’ll be no one left to help us open Quokka University.
Good morning and g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with my kid cousin, Faizy, getting ready to announce the winner of our current comment contest–because there are only 47 left to go to reach 65,000, and I’d like to see it done today!
The winner who posts No. 65,000 will get either an autographed copy of Lee’s new book, His Mercy Endureth Forever, or an autographed paddle ball toy complete with rubber band, whichever prize you want. The book has giant hyenas in it. The fli-back doesn’t.
And now I’d better scarper out of here because I just erased the video he had loaded up for this morning.
I hope to be back later today to announce the winner!
I don’t know who wrote that “hot flashes” headline! It should have been “hot news flashes! It should also have been three hot news flashes.
First, there are only 146 comments to go, to reach 65,000 and have a winner in our current comment contest. And this time the grand prize (there he goes again–there’s only one prize) will either be an autographed copy of His Mercy Endureth Forever (first edition, collectors’ item, etc.) or an autographed fli-back paddle ball toy.
Second, I don’t know how, but suddenly that annoying “301 error” message has disappeared from our Facebook posts on Patty’s Facebook page. We’re glad to see it go.
Third–now what was it?–oh, yeah! Quokka University will offer a course on how to read this blog. This is because we’re afraid people are missing special features like Joe Collidge and Oy, Rodney by not backing up a day or two and reading them. You don’t have to read them on the same day they were posted. We’ll also go into the wonderful treasure-trove of the blog archives, going all the way back to late 2011. Do you realize there are literally thousands of blog posts you could read? I’d never do it myself, but it’s all there if you want it.
To attend Quokka University, all you have to do is come to Rottnest Island. There is a rumor that if you close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and bellow out our Latin motto, “Ipso loquitur mannimota,” you will be instantly transported to our campus. I can’t test that because I’m already here. If you can make it work, please let us know! Make sure you tell us where you get transported to.
G’day! Byron here, with an important announcement.
There are only 300 comments to go before we hit 65,000! And whoever posts that milestone comment wins a prize. Either an autographed copy of Lee’s new book, His Mercy Endureth Forever…
Or, if you prefer, an autographed fli-back, paddle ball toy for those of you who are as daft as he is.
He’ll autograph that, too, so no one will think you went out to the Five & Ten and bought it yourself just so you could say you won it. I know a certain wallaby who does that… I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling anymore.
And all you have to do to win either of these fantastic prizes is to post a comment! (Not just any comment. It has to be Comment No. 65,000. Thought I’d better clear that up.)
Actually, all the courses at Quokka University are new because we haven’t opened yet. But let me turn the program over to Byron the Quokka–
G’day! We’re experimenting with a course on Leaf Cuisine; but before I tell you about any more of the courses we’ll be offering, I’m supposed to remind you that we’ve got a comment contest going–just 704 more comments and we reach No. 65,000 and someone, it could be you, is a lucky winner!
A very famous celebrity named Brad Something-or-other is going to teach a course called How to Write Good, we’ll have one on Stinky Movies, a lecture series on How to Avoid the News, and a mini-course about French painters that you never heard of. I haven’t, that’s for sure. Bob Matisse? Ginger Renoir? I think I’ll take this course! Felix the Platypus is going to teach it.
Munchable, crunchable leaves will be served with every class meeting!
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, reminding you that we have a comment contest going and there are prizes to be won. We’re shooting for Comment No. 65,000, with just under a thousand left to go. And the winner gets–
Or you can have an autographed copy of Lee’s book, His Mercy Endureth Forever. (It has giant hyenas in it!) Don’t bother asking for a bicycle. Believe me, I’ve tried.
All comments are eligible, with just these few exceptions: comments that are abusive to anybody on this site; comments that drop the f-bomb; commercials disguised as comments; and inane Far Left Crazy stuff . Other than that, anything goes.
And need I add that if we can get the viewership back up to where it was all year until July and now August came along, we’ll be saving my job?
Byron the Quokka here, with the latest from Quokka University! We’re not open yet, but we’re already dreaming up spectacular academic and cultural triumphs that’ll put us on the map before you can say “Abombalbap!” Actually, I’ve heard some people have a lot of trouble just saying that at all…
But hark! Introducing the Quokka University Film Project! Yes, we will create and release an extraordinary feature film, just as soon as we can raise the money for it. We know you’ll all want to contribute, once you hear what the movie’s going to be about. May we have a trumpet fanfare, please?
Introducing [da-tada-da!]… from Quokka U. Studios…
Oy, Rodney: The Catastrophe. Starring a lot of quokkas, koalas, and wallabies! Mel Gibson wanted to direct it, but we’re going for “the Outback Hitchcock,” who needs no introduction so I won’t give him one.
We wanted Rachel Ward to play Lady Margo Cargo, but she ran away. No problem–Rottnest Island’s full of quokkas who can act the hind leg off a donkey.
We realize we have a lot of big old established universities as our competition, and they’ll do just about anything to stay on top. Well, let ’em try! If we can’t do better than Stanford or some other place like that, we don’t deserve to have a university.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, raising funds for Quokka University. And what better way to rake in the bucks than to offer an all-new set of Acme False Facts? (We thank Acme’s former chief financial officer for signing their agreement with our university. It’s not our fault he didn’t read it first.)
I’ve gone through the set, and I can tell you that our Quokka U. edition is as false as they come! Puts us right up there with the other colleges. Just to give you a taste of it, here are a few of my favorite examples.
*In 1948 astronomer Reginald Swabb discovered three new planets which he named Moe, Larry, and Curly. All three can be seen with the naked eye, but not with a telescope.
*Movies and TV shows featuring actor Kevin Costner cannot be shown legally in Fester County, India.
*The U.S. Supreme Court once had two chief justices named W. Anthony Busterson, neither of whom could speak or write.
*The highly poisonous Jamaican Dust-mop Spider is the most popular pet among the elusive Basketball People of central Italy, whom no one in the provincial government has been able to find lately.
*The custom of reading the minutes of the last public meeting at the current public meeting once resulted in the ossification of four members of the Bazookistan Township Committee; but no one noticed until three meetings farther on.
Remember, if you want people to think you’re incredibly well-informed when you’re not, just puff out your chest, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and transfix ’em with a False Fact. That ought to do it.