Saving Violet Crepuscular for Posterity

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here. I’ve been elected Big Cheese of the Violet Crepuscular Society. I want you to know I did not seek this office. Some of us have greatness thrust upon them. And some of us have stupid stuff thrust upon them.

Well, Violet’s ratings are in the tank. She’s still popular here on Rottnest Island, but the rest of the world is just not reading her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. I heard a wombat say “I could write better stories than this, and I’m illiterate!” (Yeah, yeah! Let’s see you crank out almost 500 chapters, sport!)

We’re afraid Violet might have had one too many Southern Comfort/toothpaste floats and will soon float away herself–just short of 500 chapters! Oh, to get so close!

As President of the Violet Crepuscular Society, I call upon all good souls to come to the aid of our favorite romance writer. No, don’t send any money, she’ll only fritter it away (you know what those Americans are like). Just read her book! When she sees the numbers going up again, she’ll soon be back to her old self. I’m curious to see what that would be like.

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island Stock Photo -  Alamy

Maybe if we offered her a bicycle…

 

Byron’s TV Listings, June 25

A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade of Awesome

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and would you believe it? Next time I’m here, it won’t be June anymore. But in the meantime, Quokka University still brings you shows like these:

7:01 P.M.  Ch. 18   OCD EXPRESS–Crime drama/Game show

The cops at the 55th Precinct all suffer from OCD–so they need the help of you, the viewers, to get out from behind their desks and solve some crimes! The world’s first interactive cop show, you name the crime and you decide whodunnit! Inspector Farrakhan: Dom DeLuise. Sgt. Flabb: Unidentifiable. Officer Perky: Irish McCalla. Lt. Fillibuster: A potted rubber plant.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 05  WHIMPERING SMITH–Western

Sam Waterston stars as Sheriff Jake Smith, the whiniest lawman in the West. It’s all Deputy Snivel (Yogi Bear) can do to stop him from “annoying people to death!” This week: A psychotic rotifer rustler (Alain Delon) tries to shoot himself rather than listen to any more of Jake’s whining.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 27  NEWS WITH GNUS–News & commentary

Highest ratings ever for a major news show! A team of wildebeests, backed up by great ventriloquists just out of sight, covers all the news while munching grass, mating, head-butting, and running away from lions. Of course, that’s it for Sports that night, if the lions catch the gnu who happens to be covering it…

Ch. 41  RUIN YOUR HEALTH!–Health & fitness

Uzguck Swaley has been called “the Anti-Jack LaLanne,” but there’s a method to his madness! Unfortunately no one knows what it is. This week Uzguck introduces a new exercise “that hurts like hell and doesn’t accomplish anything at all.” Special guest: the cast of “The View.”

8 P.M.  Ch. 71  MOVIE–Ancient Egyptian fertility tragedy

(Give us a break: we don’t make ’em, we only show ’em!) In My Mommy the Mummy (Norman/Saxon, 1966), the June Taylor Dancers star as oppressed but dismayingly cheerful peasants whom the evil Pharaoh (Reggie Jackson) just can’t control… but maybe Vincent Price (himself) can! Columbo: Peter Falk. Peter Pan: Mary Martin.

Well, folks, have we aroused your appetite for gourmet TV? Sorry, we had a live cooking show planned, but everybody’s laid up with food poisoning. I told them about those mayonnaise!

Quokka (Setonix brachyurus) eating a banana peel that it has stolen from  the bin in accommodation hut, Rottnest Island, Western Stock Photo - Alamy

Byron the Quokka, signing off. Banana peel, anyone?

Joe Collidge: ‘I”ll Beet That Qwokker!”!’

Young Quokka Crossing A Road Rottnest Island Australia Stock Photo -  Download Image Now - iStock

Iff it”s Wor he whants,, it”s Wor he wil Gett!!!!!

That thare stopid Biron “the” Qwokker he thingks he Can gett moar Reeders than Me, Joe Collidge!!!! We hased a Bet “on” it butt he cheeted! by aksing Reeders to rede himb!!!

Doughnt he know “That” i amb A Collidge Stodint and tharfour mutch Smarter than himb??? Doughnt he know “that” thare “are” billyins of collidge stodints witch rede My colyumbs?? Waht a foool!!!!!! And wen i Winn “the” bett he has got “To” giv me a onarraiy deegree fromb that thare Stopid Qwokker Unadversity witch he duzznt has!! I thingk i whil deemanned a Deegree in Nuculer Fizzicks soa I can teech It “at” “a” skool!!!!

Himb and his stopid TV lisztings! He havint gott a Chancet!!!!!!!!!! Look “at” himb running Aweigh!!! He knows his gueese it is coooked!!! Evry reel Soso Jutstus Wirer in the worrled thay “Are” “On” my syde!!! And evry Interllectural tooo!!

I fourget waht i’m saposed To give himb if he winns,,, witch he woont!!! Hay, Biron, this heer Is “waht” yiu get wen yiu Go Up aginst Joe Collidge!! A bole of Equitty Soup!!!!!! Ha Ha!! Yiu thingk i’m in Nothing Studdies for nothing????

And we whil aslo Keey his Car tooo!!!

Byron the Quokka to the Rescue! (With TV Listings)

Vintage Johnstown: More TV Guide - 1967 | Tv guide, Tv guide listings,  Vintage tv

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to save this blog. At Quokka University we have made an extra-special effort to point you to the very best in weekend television. You wouldn’t believe what we had to go through, to get these shows!

Here’s just a sample of them.

8 P.M.   Ch. 06   ADVENTURES OF IZOD LACOSTE–Are they kidding?

The famous fashion designer discovers a lost city inhabited by maniacs! Major Fapp: Orrin Hatch.  Cannibalistic milk-maid: Heather Locklear. Featuring a special appearance by Tommy the Corgi as a German shepherd.

Ch. 10  SPECIAL AGENT 717–Spy thriller

As the World Economic Forum heats up, Col. Babycakes (Junior Sample) tries to thwart a scheme to kidnap the June Taylor Dancers. Can Agent 717 (Arnold Stang) save the world from a fleeting bout of incredulous dismay? Cameo appearance by Alvin the Octopus taking Alfred Hitchcock for a walk.

8:08 P.M.  Ch. 13  NEWS FOR NUDISTS WHO TALK BACKWARDS–Niche programming

Would you believe this was 2017’s top-rated news show? The ratings have slipped since anchorwoman Leslie Oop started to wear clothes and speak normally, but the rest of the studio crew and the reporters in the field are still barely comprehensible. (That’s a joke, my friends!)

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 34  MOVIE–Classical Tragedy for really smart people

In “Tarzan’s Vegas Gig” (Spanish-Canadian, 1987), the ape-man plays the Vegas nightclubs as a stand-up philosopher while a vampire (Haystacks Calhoun) stalks the city. What happens when the two of them try to buy the same flower shop? Featured song, It Must Be the Diuretics!

Ch. 61  JIMMY FRAUD PRESENTS–Game show

At last, a game show for people who literally have nothing better to do! Ideal for heavily sedated patients in a hospital. “In fact, they might not even need sedation anymore!” says Jimmy. Each contestant gets 50 tries to guess what’s in Jimmy’s cardboard box–and if you grovel, you get another 50 tries! In-House Poet: Some guy Jimmy went to high school with, but can’t remember his name.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

There! If these shows don’t stirrup interest, I’m riding out of here! That’s a pun, son. It’s making the rounds on Rottnest Island and we’re all laughing ourselves silly over it.

Byron the Quokka vs. Joe Collidge: It’s War

Young Quokka Crossing A Road Rottnest Island Australia Stock Photo -  Download Image Now - iStock

G’day! Why did the quokka cross the road?

To try to get some views!

Byron the Quokka here, mates; and it looks like our little bet with Joe Collidge, over who can get the most views, is getting out of hand. Joe has his whole Student Soviet compulsively clicking onto his last post. Good thing they forgot you have to turn the computer on first. Like, if you don’t see anything on the screen, there’s nothing there.

Here at Quokka University, we don’t cheat but we’ve only got the one computer and everybody here has already seen my last TV listings. So we are relying on humans who do not live on Rottnest Island to help us hold our own against those wackos at the college. We do not want to lose the bet and have to give that simpleton an honorary degree from Quokka University–and be laughed at by wombats for the rest of our lives.

Give us a leg up, eh?

Byron’s TV Listings, June 4

1,012 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on this stupid crummy computer that won’t let me post a TV guide page… and all the letters come out light-grey, almost impossible to read. This is why certain people hate technology. It was all we could do to post this picture of moi.

Well, we have another weekend of scintillating TV for you. Grab a crunchy leaf, settle down, and tune in. Here’s a sample from our menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 56  FUMFER!–Sitcom, with hydrological overtones

Sid Fumfer (Slim Pickens) thinks there’s an intruder hiding in his house who looks exactly like him, wears exactly the same clothes, and does exactly the same things at the same time. Ma Fumfer: Joey Heatherton. Mirror repairman: Charles Atlas. Featured song: “I Look Like Dali Drew Me.”

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 19  ‘ALWAYS POSITIVE’ NEWS & WEATHER–(You’re asking?)

It doesn’t have to be true, as long as it makes you feel good! Join anchors PeeWee Herman and Chelsea Clinton as they serve up one happy news item after another! The weather’s always going to be nice, too! Meteorologist: Woody Woodpecker (the real one, not the cartoon).

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 05  MOVIE OF THE WEAK–Feeble Bergman imitation

In “Wild Boysenberries” (Swedish/Franciscan, 1994), a college professor (H.P. Lovecraft) falls in love with a young girl’s paper hat while his wife learns yoga from a puckish Scotsman (Howard DaSilva). Unforgettable cameo appearance by Dan Rather on a pogo stick.

Ch. 16  BLAZING GUNS OF YASHMAK CITY–Experimental Western

The June Taylor Dancers have their work cut out for them when they’re elected sheriff of Yashmak City, the town where a 22% murder rate is the least of their problems. For one thing, it’s almost impossible to fit all 16 of the Dancers into the pokey little sheriff’s office already crowded with the mummified remains of previous sheriffs. And then there’s Fong Hsueh-Ting (Simon Oakland), the meanest man west of the Pillars of Hercules…

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 64  BOWLING FOR YOUR LIFE–Game show

What if your life depended on making that spare? What if some maniacal announcer (computer-generated: no one’s that crazy) kept distracting you? What if the bowling ball stopped rolling, halfway down the lane? What if you couldn’t pull your fingers out of the little holes? How much can you take before you just plain snap? It’s a laugh a minute, produced by the World Health Organization.

Well, that does it. You have to watch at least one of these shows because I have a bet on with Joe Collidge that my posts get more views than his. If he wins, he gets an honorary degree from Quokka University and that’s that for our credibility! If I win, he has to soak his head. It might do him some good.

P.S.–Now the letters are normal again. I’m confused!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 28

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

Note to readers: I have no idea why this ^%$#$ machine refuses to publish the TV guide page. This blog is behaving as if there were a curse on it.   LD

Look at this! The month of May is almost all used up.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV shows that’ll pump you up and calm you down! Here are a few examples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   KANSAS CITY KONFIDENTIAL–Krime Drama

In “The Last Person to See Him Dead,” Lt. Fezziwig (Don Wilson) has discovered a diabolical plan to re-start the Roman Empire; and Deputy Chief Sheena (Irish McCalla) is investigated for barratry. Commissioner Chumley: Wallace Beery. Music by the McGuffin Middle School Band, directed by a ghost.

8 P.M. Ch. 07  YOUR SWEET REVENGE–Game show with Classical overtones

Originally the plan was to act out in real life some of the more gruesome acts of revenge taken by characters in Shakespeare’s plays. As it turned out, that was mostly against the law. Now contestants pelt each other with pies and the June Taylor Dancers… well, dance in the background. Host: Yuan Shih-kai.

8:08 P.M.  Ch. 14  NEWS WITH NEWTS–(You have to ask?)

Dan Rather’s back, and News with Newts has got him! In fact, he’s still trying to get George W. Bush kicked out of the White House. You’ll be amazed how he twists every news story we cover into an anti-Bush rant! Now all we have to do is somehow lure the newts back to the show. With Joey Heatherton and her orchestra.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 51  MARSHAL MEDEA–Western with ridiculous overtones

What would’ve happened if Medea (Sandy Duncan) left those Greek tragedies behind and went Out West to become a U.S. marshal in Popsy, Maryland–“the town too dead to die”? This question has vexed no one, ever. This week, Marshal Medea confronts the question of Maryland’s geographical location. Prof. Ringworm: Soupy Sales. Jolly sidekick: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 66   MOVIE–Suburban Adventure

In “Tarzan Makes a House Call” (French-Canadian-Etruscan, 1997), the Ape-Man (Spencer Tracy) is pressed into service as a pill-bearing doctor to a lot of neurotic women in a posh suburb of an even posher suburb. Jane: Angela Merkel. Suzie: Theda Bara. Saxon Warrior: Lon Chaney Jr. Note: Cardboard cutouts were used in place of real gorillas.

Well, now, that’s that! A whole weekend’s worth of glorious TV–who could ask for anything more? Well, okay, you could… but who would listen?

265 Quokka Smiling Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

You’ll never make it through “Marshal Medea” without a leafy snack! This is Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

False Facts for the Summer!

Elmer Fudd Cardboard Cutout / Standee / Standup. Buy Looney Tunes Cardboard  Cutouts at Starstills.com

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, announcing the latest release from Acme False Facts Inc.–the Deluxe False Facts Summer Set for 2022! If you order now, before the first day of summer, you’ll get $85 taken off your shipping and handling. And you’ll also have time to memorize some of your favorite false facts, to be trotted out on the beach to an awed and admiring crowd.

Here’s a wee selection of items on the menu, just to turn you on. All facts guaranteed 100% false!

*Elmer Fudd was a real person; in fact, he was a U.S. Senator named Frank Feezle, best known for saying, “Mistah Vice Pwesident, thea’s something vewy scwewy going on awound hea!”

*Cave paintings found near Shoatsburgh, Pennsylvania, radiocarbon-dated to 2000 B.C. depict all the major characters from the “Archie” comic strip. Scientists admit they’re puzzled.

*The largest goldfish ever caught on rod and reel (by Mrs. Bertha Fandango, 1911) was really only 7 inches long; but it looked much bigger from certain angles. The entry in the record book has been slightly modified.

*World Chess Champion Boris Slitely used to practice by pushing chessmen off a shelf and watching them bounce on the floor. Then he would jump off his chair and bat the fallen chessmen around the floor until they disappeared under the furniture.

*In 1584 Sultan Abdel-el-Kukri Rogers ordered all Turkish Navy personnel to call each other by pet names. He was overthrown by Osman “Fido” McQuillan, who much later on in life became a TV talk show host.

Remember–stand tall, throw out your chest, look ’em in the eye, and recite a false fact. You’ll be amazed how it moves people to stand in awe of you. You might even have a future in politics!

Just $779.95 for the whole set.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 21

multiple image galleries

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s weekend TV listings. Lee is off getting interviewed somewhere, so I’m on my own. I don’t mind if you don’t!

Here are a few samples from our weekend menu.

2 P.M.  Ch. 11   DANCE TO THE MUZAK–Game show

Our hidden camera watches contestants dance to the Muzak that’s pumped into the elevator car while regular passengers watch, confused and maybe just a little bit scared! The grand prize goes to the contestant who can annoy and unsettle the most riders without getting punched in the nose. Host: Sales vice president Jack “Happy” Pew at Metro Studebaker, Ponca City.

2:15 P.M.  Ch. 08  JIMMY FRAUD’S DELUSIONS–News

He’s only just discovered that he’s psychic, and can report the news before it actually happens. None of his predictions has come true, so far, but “that’s only natural, I’ve got to get warmed up,” he explains. Co-anchor: Dan Rather. With T’an Pu T’ing and his pots and pans orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22  HYPOCHONDRIAC HEAVEN–Variety/medical

You name it, someone in the audience has it! Join host Jacob Marley as he tries to find a disease that no one in the studio has or has had. It’s been three years since he thought he’d found one–only to have a man with just one buttock claim the prize. Color commentary by Joyce Carol Oates. Special guest: Alvin the Octopus.

3 P.m.  Ch. 36  MOVIE–Horror

“The Man Who Feared Hamsters” (Bolivian-Silurian, 1996) is Shabby Jones (bodybuilder Tom Platz), marked for death by the KBG (no, not the KGB!), must elude the killer hamsters that they’ve programed to hunt him down and eat him. Film critic Prabhu Patnabhirish called it “Absolutely the worst movie ever made.” Spymaster: Ben Gunn. Femme Fatale: June Allyson. Assassins: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “I Busted My Coccyx on the See-Saw.”

Ch. 48  DUST BUNNIES–Western adventure, with soliloquies

Who are the Dust Bunnies? The most feared gunfighters who ever hid under a bed! Marshal Pete Cottontail (Richard Simmons) recruits only the toughest, meanest, deadliest hombres. This week: The Bunnies take on savage Sea Monkeys for control of Drybones Air Force Base, just two miles out of Tucson. Hoppy: Zoe Caldwell. Floppy: John Inman. Col. Tubbs: Some guy from New Jersey.

Well, folks, I hope these have whetted your appetite for another weekend of glorious, edifying, hair-raising television!

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

(Rushing to get to my TV before I miss anything! Byron the Quokka, signing off)

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 14

Michael J. Hayde's BETTER LIVING THROUGH TELEVISION: Unfortunate Timing for TV  Guide

Crikey! May is already half-over. Time really flies when you’re watching great TV.

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with another weekend’s worth of skintillating television brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. Here are a few samples from our menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 46  ANNUAL DINDLE AWARDS–Duh, awards show?

Who’s the biggest dindle on TV, this year? Who’s the actor they tried to burn at the stake (lucky for him it rained)? This year’s Dindle Awards extravaganza focuses on the career of Zeb Fingle, a famous celebrity we guarantee you never heard of. There were a lot of movies Zeb meant to make, but never got around to any of them. Emcee: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 51   THE TAWAGALAWAS–Ancient sitcom

Ever since the ancient Hittite comedy/drama serial was discovered on cuneiform tablets deep underneath a modern nail salon in Tuberville, Wales, scholars have been working to translate it into Japanese, English, and Esperanto… and now it’s ready!

Meet the Tawagalawas, a 12th-century B.C. Hittite family with a rambunctious teenaged son (Floyd Vivino), a daredevil daughter (Phyllis Diller), and a tyrannical Assyrian boss (Phil Silvers) who wants to enslave them. “Best Hittite sitcom ever!”–Rex Reed. “Makes those Babylonian sitcoms look like dog-meant”–Sir Kenneth Clark.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   PRIVATE EYES, PUBLIC LEGS–Crime drama

By night they’re 16 high-kicking dancers; by day, they’re solving crimes. The June Taylor Dancers star as a dance troupe bringing law and order to a city that has defunded the police and doesn’t know how to fund them back. This week: the Dancers have a close shave when they get stuck in a closet, all trying to see the same clue at once. Guest star: Pablo Casals, without his cello.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 18  NEWS THAT NOBODY WANTS–News (sort of)

Ever wonder about the news stories that no one bothered to cover? The stuff that was left on the cutting room floor–if it even got that far?

Anchor Jimmy Fraud and his crack team of homeless beggars canvass the major studios to buy unwanted footage. Tonight: A woman finds a yellowjacket in her mailbox; an interview with some idiot mumbling with his mouth full of oatmeal; some film shot with the lens cap still on.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM–Action/adventure/philosophy

Ricardo Montalban and Phil Rizzuto star in “So Long, Cannibals!” (Norwegian, 1997), as adventurers seeking a lost city in the Amazon rain forest, only to find it inhabited by cannibals who think they’re movie stars. Featuring Soupy Sales, Denis Menke, Maggie Smith, Jacqueline Bisset, and the hit song, “Adenoids on Fire,” by Christy Schmendrick.

Well, folks, if that doesn’t tempt you, I just give up!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off…