Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Welcome to another weekend of Quokka University TV, live from Rottnest Island. I’m your host, Byron the Quokka. We always show a TV Guide page to get you cranked up for our offerings. I do wish I could watch Make That Spare, from the Paramus NJ Bowling Center–and Prehistoric Women! Uncle Shinbone thinks it might be the best movie ever made.

Well, here are some of our listings. Sit back with a handful of nice chewy leaves, and enjoy it!

8:14 P.M.   08, 09  HOWLER MONKEYS (Nature). A glorious 28 minutes of Costa Rican howler monkeys screeching at the cameraman, the late Ivan Pitfall.

8:15  11  Barney Dottle, Police Defective (Crime Drama) Barney thinks he’s hot on the trail of a desperate gang of armed robbers, but his continual misinterpretation of clues leads him to arrest the attendees of a PTA meeting. Barney: Jack Palance. Mrs. Dogless: The Lennon Sisters.

12  Movie–Classic Tragedy

The Naked and the Clothed” (1957) The Bowery Boys are caught napping when Nikita Khrushchev, posing as just another neighborhood character, tricks them into revealing America’s funniest military secrets. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Khrushchev: Himself. Timon of Athens: Tim McCarver.

13  Battle of the Brains–Public Affairs

Pinky Lee hosts a debate between former U.S. Senator Biff Boff and Rep. Rosie Hejaz on the topic, “Should prayer be allowed in churches?” With Willie Sutton and his orchestra, and the June Taylor Dancers.

8:32 P.M.   03  Bowling For Dear Life–Sports/Drama

If you really need that medicine, you’d better bowl a strike! Up for grabs tonight: life-saving medicine, parole from Chateau D’If Prison, ownership of a home, graduation from law school, and other goodies. Join host Willis Twombley  as he reminds the contestants, “No pressure!”

840 QUOKKAS ideas in 2021 | quokka, happy animals, cute animals

Some readers have complained that they can’t trust these TV listings unless my picture is published with them. So that’s me, right up there–and it’s TV time!

Byron’s TV Listings

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on Rottnest Island. I hear a lot of you Yanks have been snowed in, can’t get out and have fun. Well, it looks like I’m here with more TV listings just in time! We don’t want you going mad with cabin fever, do we?

So here are the Quokka University Broadcast System’s (see? we’ve got a name for it now) offerings for this weekend. Happy viewing, everybody!

8 p.m.   03  MY MOTHER THE NEWT (Sitcom) Harry and Debbie get kicked off their middle school band when Mr. Roomba discovers their mother is a giant newt. Can Uncle Beefy, a rather large frog, save the day? Mr. Roomba: Ricardo Montalban. Uncle Beefy: Dick Cavett.

05  NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES  (News and Weather)  The same news you got on all the other channels, but this time with crude and impolite noises in the background. Anchorman’s identity still unknown.

8:10 P.M.  05  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM  “I Hear Earwigs Singing” (1971)  The Bowery Boys take on a mad grocer (Colin Clive) who has been flouting London’s health codes–in Yuma, Arizona. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Chou En-lai. Special guest appearance by Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine.

8:39 P.M.  04  TRAGEDY PLAYHOUSE  (Drama) “When You Lose That Beat” combines Oedipus Rex with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom for a totally incomprehensible waste of 93 minutes. Guaranteed to impress your friends and family, if you say you watched the whole thing. Oedipus: Rory Calhoun. Marlon Perkins: himself. Music by Bobby Fischer and his Orchestra.

8:45 P.M.  07, 11, 13  SLUGGO POTASH, GUNSLINGER!  (Western, as if you didn’t know)  In “Duel at the Lost City of the Poptecs,” Sluggo (Darren McGavin) must shoot it out with his arch-enemy, Mitch McConnell, who has made himself dictator of a lost city inhabited by people no one ever heard of. King Axolotl: Jon Hall. Princess Chipotle: Joey Heatherton. High Priest: Soupy Sales.

Well, that’s enough for now! I still don’t know how we got our hands–I mean our paws–on all these shows, and I’m sure I don’t want to.

Birthday Greetings: Jeremy

Yes, yes, I know we’re late, this should’ve been done on Saturday, when it actually was Jeremy’s  birthday–so we’re two days late. I, Byron the Quokka, disclaim all responsibility for this error: it was entirely Lee’s fault, 100% he’s to blame, not me, etc., etc.

And so we bring you Jeremy and his brother, Joshua, with an instrumental of How Great Thou Art. Let the truth be known: we love these guys, these Swanson brothers.

I made this list, see, with all the birthdays on it–crikey, why didn’t he check the list?

Happy birthday, Jeremy! Keep the music coming.

We’ve Invented a New Word Game for You!

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G’day again! Not to hog the blog, and after all, Quokka University isn’t open yet–but this can’t wait!

In partnership with Violet Crepuscular, author of the epic romance, Oy, Rodney, our Quokka U. Dept. of Recreation Science has invented a new word game that anyone can play. All you need is a pencil and a piece of paper–or a jolly good memory.

The game is called Letter Rip. You start out with a word, or a two-word phrase, and one bonus letter that isn’t used in the target word or phrase. You then try to see how many four or five-letter words you can make from the letters in the target phrase–words that must begin with the bonus letter.


Target Phrase: Broken Vaporizer    Bonus Letter: C

And some of the 5-letter words we’ve made: crone, craze, caper, cobra, cover, carob, coven, crane… and so on.

There! Wasn’t that fun? Who says college isn’t good for anything!

Byron’s TV Listings

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings to spice up your weekend–if you call watching TV spicy. The Quokka University TV Network makes these shows available–I don’t know how, and I don’t ask. If anybody asks, I haven’t been here today.

7 p.m.  03  HITTITE NEWS  Anchor: Shuri-Teshub son of Ishmak

04  THE FACEHEADS (Comedy). Randy gets some peculiar ideas after watching a movie about “Killer Kats.” Randy: Denzel Washington. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Special guest appearance by Sabu as Chief Dawson.

07  BEAT THE CROCK (Game Show) New! Ordinary schlubs team up with celebrity schlubs to see who can swim across The Pool of Death without getting pulled under. Emcee: Orville Redenbacher.

7:17 p.m. 11  MOVIE–TRAGEDY

“That Darned Hamster!” (1961)  The Bowery Boys tangle with an ancient Ethiopian sorceress brought back to life by fish flakes, and only Duncan the Hamster can save the day–if they can find him! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Madame Fong: Dame Judith Anderson. Song: “Oh, Those Cedar Shavings!” Perry Mason and his orchestra.


Don’t waste time with words when simple grunts will do! Tonight: Professor Spigot reduces Moby Dick to a mere 20 seconds, using grunts, eye-rolling, and hand gestures.


Judge Hobart Hornswoggle tries re-enacted criminal and civil cases involving kitchen grease and various kinds of slop–in front of a jury of stuffed plush animals.

Well, that’s all I have time for now–I have to hurry on to the next post. See you in a bit.


Only 13 Comments Left to Go!

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Blimey! What do I have to do, to get 13 more comments?

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to whip up enthusiasm for what’s left of our comment contest! You’d think hitting 70,000 comments would be a source of wild excitement, a fabulous festive occasion–but no, here I am, trying and trying.

If you win, you get an autographed copy of Bell Mountain No. 12, His Mercy Endureth Forever. It’s got giant hyenas in it! And I’m sorry, it turns out we could get in trouble if we take any of those colossal stone heads for Someplace-or-Other, in Turkey. So you’ll have to settle for the book because Lee’s too cheap to spring for a bicycle.

Two months ago, I’d’ve gotten 13 more comments just while I was typing this… [Deep, heartfelt sigh]

Can We Wrap Up the Comment Contest?

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All of us quokkas here on Rottnest Island are puzzled! In fact, we’re so puzzled, they put us in a puzzle!

We’re shooting for Comment No. 70,000, a major milestone, with only 32 left to go–that’s right, just 32!

And today we have eight comments. You’d think all you snowed-in humans would be here commenting. Don’t tell me you’re all just sitting there watching Super Bowl pre-game blather. (We’ve already seen the blinkin’ game. Well, we thought it was the Super Bowl. It might’ve been a commercial for Geritol.)

Look, the winner gets an autographed copy of Lee’s book, His Mercy Endureth Forever, or else one of those giant stone heads from somewhere in Turkey, they make ideal lawn ornaments, so much more impressive than that little jockey with the lantern. But there’ve got to be 32 more comments posted for someone to win!

So just buckle down and give us a knuckle-biting race to the finish line.

Comment Contest: Let’s Make It Exciting

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I can’t believe it! Closing in on 70,000 comments, and it’s just a big ho-hum! Crikey–where is everybody?

G’day–I hope! Byron the Quokka here, with a mere 73 comments to go to reach that big milestone. Back in December, we could’ve done that in a single day. But now? Who let the air out of our tires?

We really ought to have at least 100 views by now, but uh-uh. I’m supposed to write up TV listings today. You’d think that’d pull ’em in.

The winner, the reader who posts Comment No. 70,000, gets one of those gigantic enormous stone heads from Mount Whatsit in Turkey–ideal for your front lawn. And if you already have one, you’ll win an autographed copy of His Mercy Endureth Forever.

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Seventy-three comments! Ahoy, you out there in… Mauritius! Monaco! Iceland! Brazil! Let’s hear it, eh? Let’s make this an exciting comment contest, a comment contest to remember!

If You’ve Already Got One…

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It has been brought to our attention that some of you already have one or more of these colossal stone heads on your lawn and would rather not find room for another. In that case, we certainly won’t try to force one on you.

If you win the comment contest by posting Comment No. 70,000, you do not have to accept a huge enormous stone head as your prize. You can have an autographed copy of Bell Mountain No.12, His Mercy Endureth Forever. Or you can hold out for an autographed copy of No. 13, The Wind from Heaven, which hasn’t been published yet, but shouldn’t be much longer.

Byron the Quokka thought the allure of these magnificent stone heads would revitalize this blog’s readership. And I listened to him. Just call us Wizards of Marketing.

Comment Contest: You Could Win A New Head!

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and we have almost, nearly, just-about reached that historic milestone of 70,000 comments on this blog. So close! To wit, as of a minute ago, only 134 comments to go! Once upon a time you readers could rack that up in one good day!

And as if that weren’t excitement enough, get a load of this prize–

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How about that for a conversation piece? Your neighbors will just plotz with envy when they see this huge stone head on your front lawn. There’s this place in Turkey where they’ve got all these heads just lying around, having fallen off some ancient statues. They’ll never miss just one! I mean, it’s not like they’re doing anything with ’em…

Or you can settle for an autographed copy of Lee’s book, His Mercy Endureth Forever, or even hold out for the next book, The Wind from Heaven, which hasn’t been published yet but should be, soon.

Right! Well, now I’ve got to get out of the way of that tsunami of comments that’s bound to come flooding in, now that I’ve revealed the prizes.