Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 15

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of fantastic television, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a bit of the menu.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 03   JOHNNY POTATO-HEAD–Adventure

What if Mr. Potato Head were a secret government agent, a master of disguise, and all-around nebbish? Ricardo Montalban plays the classic toy with the huge brown head and goofy eyes that pop in and out. Sophia Loren is his comical sidekick, Mrs. Potato Head.

Ch. 11  THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN COCCYX–Detective Drama

John Cassavetes plays Victor Tailbone, the hard-boiled private eye with the golden coccyx that scares the living daylights out of the most hardened criminals. This week: Crime boss Sonje Henie (Mickey Mantle) tries to turn Victor’s pet axolotl (Lorne Greene) against him.

7:18 P.M.  Ch. 12  CELEBRITY SKY-DIVING–Totally stupid risk-taking

You’re a celebrity on your way out, career in ruins… But if you can parachute safely after flying over Perth Amboy, NJ, your comeback is assured. If not… “Well, we never said all our parachutes were in proper working order!” quips host Rip Taylor (who is very lucky not to be a contestant himself). Special guest sky-diver: Pee Wee Herman.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 28  VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF LAKE HOPATCONG–Drama

The crew of the USS Jerry Mathers won’t let Admiral LaFong (Richard Baseheart) take the sub all the way to the bottom–because of an underwater city inhabited by the June Taylor Dancers. Featured song: My Duodenum Isn’t Working. Guest star: Pinky Lee.

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 45  WHO’S GOT COOTIES?–Game Show

Join host Justin Trudeau as he peers into the depths of contestants’ knickers to see which ones have cooties! The celebrity panel–Abbot & Costello, Patty Duke, Chelsea Clinton, Howard Cosell–has 5 minutes in which to determine who has cooties and where. If they fail, they have to take Trudeau home with them.

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Well, that’s that! Let the weekend rattle on by while you enjoy nice crunchy leaves and TV programs whose like you’ve never seen before. Quality guaranteed!

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

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Things get so confusing around here! Joshua’s birthday almost came and went–good thing we had someone up in the crows’ next.

Can we get Joshua to sing for his birthday?

Nope, can’t do it. So we have an instrumental with brother Jeremy, To God Be the Glory

Well, Joshua is 21 years old today, and we thank him and Jeremy for all the wonderful hymns they play for us throughout the year. Happy birthday, Joshua!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 8

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 3: 1977! Yeah, I know  that makes no sense… | Branded in the 80s

G’day, TV lovers! I hope you’ve got a good supply of crunchy leaves on hand–this weekend’s viewing will keep you glued to your seats. A few examples:

6:48 P.M.  Ch. 02   HEADLESS SIMON–Experimental

Simon’s head fell off one night, but you’d never know it! Kaz Garaz stars as private eye Simon Schnitzler, an intruder into high society: he really creeps you out until you get used to him. This week, Headless Simon teams up with Bodiless Jim (Clayton Moore) to solve a case of vandalism. Featured: A musical number by Gorilla Monsoon, “I’m in the Mood (Why Aren’t You?)”

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   ASK MR. STUPID!–Educational

“This clown doesn’t know anything!” exclaims guest hostess Queen Elizabeth II, live from Shambly Palace (that’s the castle that they don’t like to use). Join eager contestants as they try to find a question, any question, that Mr. Stupid can answer correctly. The real Mr. Stupid’s identity is a closely-guarded secret–guarded, in fact, by the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 14   THE PUDDLESONS–Sitcom

Mike and Minnie Puddleson (Steve Reeves, Linda Hunt) live in a mud puddle just barely deep enough to sit in. Their tadpoles, Jeffy and Lulu, have to attend school in a jar. This week, a crisis! A leg pops out of Jeffy’s left side. “It’s not even a human leg!” Mike laments.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   MOVIE–Exotic Western

In “Head-Hunting Crazies of Kibble City, Wyoming” (1981), the head-hunting Pombo Tribe, chased out of the Andes by the Peruvian government, establishes itself in Kibble City. Tourist Chick Chamby (Bob Denver) is horrified to discover that the Souvenir Shrunken Head he purchased is the real thing! But who’s going to investigate a cityful of accountants? Special guest stars: Peruvian Special Forces Glee Club.

Ch. 46  CELEBRITY PAYBACK–Viewers’ Revenge

Host Dr. Fu Manchu (himself) subjects captured celebrities to various torments. Favorite Line: “So you think just by being on TV, people should pay attention to you when you babble? But we have ways of correcting such presumption!”

Will international police catch and stop the Doctor before he can corral the Kardashians? Stay tuned!

Well, there you have it–best we could do around here, with Lee still kind of horse de combat. Lost the whole New Year’s weekend… *Sigh*  Might as well check out The Puddlesons.

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Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 5

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV May 1st through 7th, 1971

G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here with last weekend’s TV listings. My humans are sick and there’s no one to help me but this girl quokka named Bluecy who has a crush on Don Knotts and, well, you know how that goes…

So here’s a sample of awe-inspiring TV, courtesy of Quokka University:

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 06   AT HOME WITH THE BLOB–Sitcom/Drama

What if The Blob had married Barbara Billingsley and settled down in a nice suburban neighborhood, and had a lot of little Blobs, and only occasionally succumbed to the desire to engulf the postman? Steve McQueen must’ve been crazy, to turn down this role! Voice of the Blob: Jack Benny. Terrified neighbor: Dick Butkus.

Ch. 11  JEFFY THE GIANT–Gritty Urban Drama

When he discovers he can’t go scuba-diving in the tiny little frog pond in his neighborhood without his butt sticking up above the water, private investigator Jeffy Honker (Simon Oakland) suddenly realizes he and his neighbors, their houses and cars, and everything else–except for this pond–has been mysteriously blown up to titanic size. Can he track down the man who holds the key to the mystery–the man with the backward coccyx? Special guest star: Jimmy Durante.

7:44 P.M.   Ch. 76  ANT FARM NEWS–News for insects

Join host Ed McMahon as he pitches the day’s news to ant farm and terrarium residents all over the country–anything with six legs or more! This was the project Ed was working on when they came to take him away.

8 P.M.  Ch. 14   QUICKSAND!–Game Show

Right in front of you, so close that you can almost touch them, are glittering prizes beyond the dreams of avarice; but between them and you lies… quicksand! Will any of the contestants make it across without getting sucked down? Says Emcee Alan Hale Jr., “If you can grab it, you can keep it!” Featuring the June Taylor Dancers and the Los Angeles County Pathology Dept.

Ch. 38  MOVIE–Historical Melodrama with Pinatas

In “Count Smorga the Ghoul” (Korean/Dutch, 1971), Danny Kaye stars as The Other Count Smorga, persistent boyfriend of the Queen of Sweden (Spring Byington), frustrated by everybody’s taking him for that evil Count Smorga who hides himself in a forest of pinatas. This marked the film debut of pro wrestler Gorilla Monsoon, who also directed. Dancing master: BoBo Brazil.

Well, folks, there you have it! It’s been cold and dark and rainy all week here, and we need nice TV to tide us over. Enjoy!

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Sorry–Can’t Stay Up

13 photos that prove quokkas are the happiest animals in the entire world

I was all set to help Byron the Quokka write up his TV listings today; but as you can see, first he fell asleep, then me.

I just can’t stay awake today. Maybe it’s because I hadn’t had any decent sleep since before New Year’s.

Move over, Byron! A quiet nap in the sun–Yes, I want that!

Only Two Days Left!

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Don’t blame me for this picture. None of the really good ones worked.

Hey, listen–hark! Byron the Quokka here, reminding you that you only have left today and tomorrow to enter our annual Christmas Carol Contest. Just two days!

Yesterday a reader finally made a request that netted 21 views and a new leader in the contest. The winner will be whoever requests the hymn that gets the most views on the day it was requested. The prize is either an autographed copy of one of Lee’s books or this cool T-shirt that says “If they have to kill us, they’ve lost.” Your choice of prizes. If it was up to me, the prize would be a bicycle. Or maybe a staff of servants. But who listens to me? I just work here.

Did I hear somebody say a bag of plastic army men?

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Byron’s TV Listings, Christmas Day 2021

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: September 28, 1963

G’day and Merry Christmas, from all of us on Rottnest Island, to all of you out there!

If you’re like a lot of humans, by 2 or 3 o’clock this afternoon, you’re going to be wiped out, beat, exhausted, etc. That’s where we come in! Just park yourself in front of your TV screen with a nice lapful of crunchy leaves, and we’ll do the rest.

2:06 P.M.  Ch. 04   TO BE ANNOUNCED–(Unknown)

Here’s the show that’s different every day! Even the folks who write the TV listings don’t know what it’s gonna be. Last week it was Comrade Nikita’s Puppet Show from the People’s Glorious Theater in Vladivostok. This week–who knows? Host: To be announced.

2:15 P.M.   Ch. 06   EMERGENCY CRISIS ALERT!–Overheated News

Join anchorman Gary “That Disgusting Caterpillar” Svipdag, who really does look like a gigantic caterpillar sitting at the news anchor’s desk. In fact, it’s terribly distracting! I mean, you keep asking yourself, “What if he ever gets loose, and turns up in my garden?” This could give you nightmares! We are sorry we listed it.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 116   FRANKIE SCHEVERNADZE ON CHESS–Educational

Learn how to play chess just like Frankie Schevernadze, who was once forced to quit the Soviet Union chess team because he never won a game, let alone a match. His English is almost as bad as his chess! Guest players chosen at random from among the studio audience usually wipe up the floor with Frankie–in fact, that was the original name of the show, Wipe Up the Floor with Frankie. They lost the sponsorship of Ace Janitorial Supplies when the sponsor found out the show was about chess, not mopping floors.

Ch. 117    MOVIE–Science Fiction/Art

In Wrestling Women and the Aztec Mummy vs. the Thing from Somewhere (1954), Duke Snider shows why he decided to stick with baseball. Famously, Duke plays the Aztec Mummy (Leo Durocher never let him forget it). Musical numbers and dance tunes by a rather large hamster and his orchestra.

3 P.M.   Ch. 24   NUCLEAR PHYSICS FOR HOME AND OFFICE–Science

Let the June Taylor Dancers show you how to make your own nuclear reactor in your cellar! With a little Uranium, which you can enrich yourself, you’re in business. This week’s celebrity guest, Liberace, shows the Dancers how to turn the reactor into a bomb. Sponsored by Duck ‘n’ Cover Umbrellas Inc.

Well, that’s only a sample of the truly mindless TV we’ve got lined up for you today! I love those Aztec Mummy movies! Didja ever see the one that was pattered on Hamlet? Sort of Ed Wood meets Shakespeare.

This is Byron the Quokka signing off, wishing you a Merry Christmas Day!

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A Reminder from Byron the Quokka

Daxon the Quokka on Twitter: "MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL YOUR QUOKKA LOVERS!!  ❤🐻😘 we have a special video gift tomorrow for you 🎁 Be excited! Photo by  @daxon #quokka https://t.co/LLLzZQqxWw" / Twitter

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I hope you’ve got a lot of nice crunchy leaves handy, something to much on as you listen to all the lovely Christmas carols we’ve posted here–most of them, I’m happy to say, requested by you, the readers.

But look, I’m stuck with all these prizes I’m supposed to hand out to contest winners, starting with whoever wins our annual Christmas Carol Contest. To refresh you on the rules, the winner is whoever requests the carol that gets the most views on the day it was requested. So far the leading carol has only 19 views.

The winner gets either an autographed copy of one of Lee’s books or this cool MAGA-red T-shirt that says “If they have to kill us, they’ve lost.” You will notice I’m NOT complaining about some cheapskate not offering a bicycle for a prize. Nice Byron! We don’t do that anymore, do we?

Most of you have never requested a hymn or a carol. Well, now’s as good a time as any! Stir the place up! Let’s see a Christmas carol with over 20 views! 30, even. Let’s make a joyful noise for Christmas! Christ the Savior is born!

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 18

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: September 21, 1974

Wow! Next week, it’ll be Christmas.

Well, for the time being, chill out with edifying television brought to you by Quokka University. Meanwhile, this is Byron the Quokka, makin’ a list and checkin’ it twice!

8 P.M.  Ch. 02   THE ROCKFORD FLIES–Drama

This wildly unpopular spinoff of The Rockford Files features Professor Gecko’s Trained Flies as private investigators who get into places where a human P.I. would only attract undue attention to himself. And you’ve heard the expression, “If I could be a fly on the wall…!” This week: Buzzy (voice of Marcel Marceau) bugs a major crime figure (Don Knotts)–and gets swatted!

Ch. 06  CANDID COMPUTER–Comedy

Alan Gzunt and his crew sneak into a house and fiddle with the computer to do all sorts of irrational and frustrating things, and a hidden camera captures the user going totally mad. The show was canceled when it was discovered that computers don’t need to be fiddled with to drive you crazy. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 11   THE TRIBE–Sitcom

What happens when a whole kooky suburban neighborhood tries to pass its people off as Native Americans so they can become college profs and U.S. Senators? C. Waddington Whitworth III: Jimmy Durante. Mrs. Tumbelina Hoskinson: Donna Douglas. Dr. H. Harrison Hormad: Roscoe Lee Brown.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 41  DOC TARRY–Medical Adventure

Adolphe Menjou stars as the idealistic young doctor who thinks you can cure most diseases by conking the patient with a mallet–and is determined to prove it! This week: That pesky guy from the AMA (Peter Graves and Lou Piniella play the same character) is back with more questions. My Little Margie: Sophia Loren.

Ch. 62   MOVIE–Science Fiction/Romance

In Scary Aliens from the Planet Zothar (Irish-Japanese, 1998), an incredibly beautiful young woman (Moms Mabley) dying from an indescribably rare disease (Ross Martin) has to seek a cure among the Scary Aliens Who Eat Earth People (Talia Shire, Dan Rather). Featuring Vladimir Putin’s Orchestra and their trademark song, I’ll ‘Comrade’ You, Comrade!

And that, of course, is only a wee sample of this weekend’s magnificent TV… comrades! You’re gonna love those Rockford Flies, unless you’re really put off by insects. And wait’ll you see what this poor guy does when his computer keeps on hitting him with that completely incomprehensible “Unhandled Exception” notice!

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Our Christmas Carol Contest (Help!)

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Is this computer broken? Where are all the Christmas carols? Don’t you know we’ve got a contest going here?

Lee says it’s political science: In any large group of people, 99% of the work will be done by 1% of the members. A few of you submit entries every day, which is totally allowed. Enter as often as you like! But most readers… just don’t. It’s like anything else. Stinkin’ political science! We won’t allow it at Quokka University.

And somehow I, Byron the Quokka, get stuck running all the contests on this blog–and when nobody asks for any hymns, and nobody submits any comments, the other quokkas cast pitying looks at me and I really hate that!

(I told him–you know I told him!–how many times I told him: you’ll never get anywhere unless you offer more bodacious prizes, like a bike or a boat or a bowling alley–and who listens to me? *Sigh!*)