Byron’s TV Listings, March 18

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through November 3rd, 1978

G’day, out there! Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Honest, someday we’ll offer courses in something! Meanwhile, here’s a sample of our weekend menu:

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 08  MATT BODICE, P.I.–Mystery/adventure

Bodice (Sen. Hiram Fong) infiltrates “the Church of Evolution,” where he finds the members evolving backwards into murderous primitive ape-men! Mr. Rogers: himself. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Murderous primitive ape-men: Themselves (don’t ask!).

Ch. 14   WORLD NEWS WITH ITCHING–News with a stupid gimmick

Have you ever wondered how news anchors and reporters could do their jobs if they were uncontrollably itchy and couldn’t stop scratching? This show lasted only two weeks on CNN, where it had the highest ratings of any other news show on the network. Host: Greta Thunberg. Sports: Rutherford B. Hayes (itchy beard).

8 P.M.   Ch. 66   BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL!–Reality TV

The contestants are all convicted felons who’d been given a choice: state prison, or back to high school. This is about the ones who chose high school… and never came back. Principal: Ragnar Hairy-Britches. NOTE: The ACLU has condemned this show as a cruel and unusual punishment as forbidden by the Constitution. Especially the episodes about dating.

Ch. 71  MOVIE–Historical Mish-mosh

Could a pair of American cowboys (Roy Rogers, Gene Autry) have prevented the Norman conquest of England in 1066? “Conquer This, Podnuh!” (Ethiopian, 1989) explores this fascinating might-have-been. King Harald’s bodyguard: The June Taylor Dancers. William the Conqueror: Tim Russert. Queen Matilda: Paris Hilton.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 41  THE FLOBSTERS–Totally tasteless sitcom

It’s the ritziest neighborhood in Boonton, New Jersey–or was, until the Flobsters moved in. This week: Moko’s efforts to clean his clothes subject the entire neighborhood to unendurably rancid odors. Meanwhile, Dayzee (Gloria Scott) is caught hiding in the mayor’s house again. Moko: Jerry Springer. Mayor Schwab: An unidentified cartoon character.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be watching these wonderful shows today!

50 Cute Puppy Pictures That You Need to See — Puppy Pictures ...

Bloody computer! Wouldn’t let me post pictures of anything but puppies. Byron the Quokka, signing off (I know when I’m not wanted!).

A Quokka’s Good Morning

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, having breakfast. I don’t know whether you’ve noticed this or not, but a lot of leaves taste even better after they’re all dried out and crinkly. That’s my cousin Fabio in the background: a very picky eater.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 11

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV July 31st through August 6th, 1982

G’day, me hearties! Swab the forecastle, raffle up the yardarm! Byron the Quokka, talkin’ sea-talk as you study our exclusive menu of weekend television. (All right, I don’t actually know who’s excluded from the menu!) Settle down with some nice chewy leaves and enjoy these shows.

7 P.M.   Ch. 07   GRANDPA TARZAN–Sitcom

Walter Brennan–his last role–played a Tarzan rendered stiff and crotchety by old age and barely able to swing across the living room, let alone from tree to tree. This week: Cheetah (Gregory Peck) signs Tarzan up for an insurance policy that he doesn’t need: especially since he currently thinks he’s old-time New York politician Roscoe Conklin. Jane: Sandy Duncan. Boy: Rod Steiger.

Ch. 12  DANCE, YOU SUCKER!–Game Show/Drama

Win a tryout with the June Taylor Dancers and a guest star’s role in their up-and-coming movie, Honey, I Busted My Coccyx. Competitions: Log-rolling, Doubletalk, Singing While Gargling, Getting Dressed Backwards. Host: Some guy who won a Pulitzer. Scorekeeper: Carmen Miranda.

7:15 P.M.   Ch. 03   MONSTER NEWS–News & commentary

Ever wonder what it’s like to watch a news program geared to werewolves, vampires, ambulent mummies, etc.? Anchorman Scoop Pooper wonders about it all the time, so the network created this news show especially for him! None of the stories is true, but Scoop doesn’t know that. Watch him get excited! Sports: Jaroslav Hasek. Weather: Dame Maggie Smith.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 24   HANG ‘EM HIGH, CHOU EN-LAI–Western

What if the Old West had been in Communist China? What if Premier Chou En-Lai had been a wandering ex-sheriff banished from his town for composing unbearably bad poetry. This is the show that has it all! Chairman Mao: Red Skelton. President Nixon: Linda Hunt. Mrs. McGillicuddy: Yi Wan-Shu. Song: “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle-Jangle-Jingle.”

8 P.M.  Ch. 67  MOVIE–Pretentious twaddle but otherwise great

In Who Gots What You Gots? (Australian-Latvian, 1998: 256 minutes), a clone of Jerry Mathers stars as a corrupt film-noir prosecutor who falls in love with Babbly Bertha (Joan Collins), a poetess whose personal stamp collection is worth a good $15 of anybody’s money. Can Orville Redenbacher (himself) protect her? Thief With a Heart of Gold: Jim Backus.

There! If you can find TV anywhere in the world that’s half as good as this, you’re welcome to it!

Quokka | San Diego Zoo Animals & Plants

Byron the Quokka, signing off–and these leaves are just right.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 4

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

Jambo, boys and girls! Byron the Quokka here. Are you ready to rock? Are you ready to roll? Or would you rather just stretch out on the couch and watch the fabulous TV shows that we’ve lined up for you? Like these, for instance:

7 P.M.  Ch. 41  LADDIE THE GATOR–Drama (of a sort)

This show was an attempt to one-up Lassie–if a collie can do it, surely an alligator can! This week: Laddie has to figure out the combination of the lock before Grandpa Jeb (Jose Cuervo) suffocates inside the airtight steamer trunk. And the June Taylor Dancers (themselves) keep distracting him! Grandma: Cheryl Ladd. Fritz the Alpaca: Himself.

Ch. 54  NEWS FOR NUDES–News & commentary

Everyone seen in this broadcast is stark naked! (You’ll be amazed by how en-erotic that can be!) Tonight: Anchorman Ted Koppel gets stuck to his chair, Sen. Mitch McConnell delivers a speech from his shower, and Buffalo City Councilwoman Mandy Pumps freezes to death, leading a protest march.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  TOM DUNG, PRIVATE EYE–Crime drama

The world’s most accident-prone private detective (Yuan Shih-Kai) finds his life in danger after he falls into an open man-hole. Can Junior (Roy Rogers) pull him out? Or will Junior fall in, too? Criminal Who Gets Away: H.P. Lovecraft. Song: “I’m in the Mood for a Blubber Sandwich.”

7:38 P.M.  Ch. 09  MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

In “I Wake Up in High School” (Latvian, 1967: 364 minutes)), Moe Howard stars as noted physicist Hector Lopez (with the real Hector Lopez playing the real Moe Howard), grappling with tainted orange juice supplied by the KGB. Mrs. Malloy: Susan Anton. Russian Chess Master: Joe Besser. Larry and Curly: Themselves. Is this how time travel was invented?

8 P.M.  Ch. 22   LASSO THIS!–Western drama

Trail boss Ingemar Thorlaksson (Willie Mosconi) can’t figure out why his herd of longhorns keeps disappearing on the way to Peking. Could it be because he keeps driving them into the Pacific Ocean, mistaking it for Butler’s Creek in Kansas? Chief drover Rowdy Patel (Rod Stewart) tries to convince him to drive the herd to Dodge City instead. Mrs. Abernathy: a member of the studio audience. Gerald: He’s outside on the sidewalk.

Well! I’ll betcha anything you’ll want to see every show we’ve got! I think I saw Mrs. Abernathy in a movie once. It was one of those samurai movies, with Shakespeare.

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

Hurry up with those snacks! You don’t want to miss anything! Byron the Quokka signing off.

‘Camp Bah-Lo-Nee’ (2020)

Quokka on Rottnest Island - Journey Beyond

(“There’s gotta be one my size, somewhere here!”)

(Good Lord! This was three years ago? No wonder I’m getting old!)

There are those who want to talk and listen to politics all the time. They can’t tear themselves from the screen. They know the names of all the politicians’ lawyers.

Now they can pursue their hobby to their hearts’ content without disturbing anybody.

Camp Bah-Lo-Nee

Surely you’ve suddenly found yourself in conversations like this: “How about that Buster Kahunavich, eh? Was that on the money or was that on the money, what Joy Behar’s cousin’s lawyer said about him? Looks like Sherry Quaggleheimer won’t be shining Doc Fanabla’s silver this time!” Etc., etc.

Just direct the speaker to Camp Bah-Lo-Nee.

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 25

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1976

G’day, fellow TV connoisseurs (however you spell it)! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of gloriously edifying TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. Honest, any day now, we’ll start offering courses. Meanwhile, here’s a sample of red-hot television:

3 P.M.  Ch. 09  DEADLY DANCERS–Crime Drama

The June Taylor Dancers star as high-kickin’ women who are also the Mob’s favorite hit men! Tonight: A rival mob boss (Hugh Downs) trains fierce armadillos to attack the Dancers. Joey Colooch: B.D. Wong. Thutmosis III: Unknown Egyptian actor who came in out of nowhere. Song: “Afflicted by Chiggers.”

Ch. 12  STICKS & STONES–Game show

Celebrity guests are pelted with sticks and stones by the studio audience! (It’s OK, they’re well-paid.) Last celeb standing wins a 5-film contract. Tonight: Chuck Connors, Cher, and Elizabeth Warren. Host: Wayne Newton (until he gets plunked, too).

3:30 P.M.  Ch. 18  TENTACLES!–Sitcom (we think)

See Alvin the Octopus in his breakthrough role as Mr. Squidgy, the air-breathing, short-tempered giant octopus who teaches English Grammar at Jim Bob Booker High School. Don’t say “ain’t got no” in Mr. Squidgy’s class! This week: Mr. Squidgy helps honor student Mary Sue (Heather Locklear) rob a bank. Principal: Sophia Loren.

4 P.M.  Ch. 03  HERE AND NOW–News and commentary

Exclusive fairy news! Gnomes and goblins, too! Anchored by Anderson Cooper handcuffed to his desk! Tonight: “Do Those Big Gigantic People We Keep Seeing Really Exist?” Mibbly Buttercup’s award-winning series on the existence of “human beings”. Tonight: A gnome on a beetle hunt insists he saw a human mowing his lawn.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Paranormal, with just plain silly

Former U.S. Sen. Hiram Fong stars as a frustrated camel salesman in “Humps, You Sucker!” (Canadian, 1986). No one on Staten Island wants to buy a camel! In desperation, salesman Oleg Gesundheit (Fong) finds evidence that aliens from Orion are involved! Mrs. Portnoy: Nancy Culp. Hermann Hesse, famous German author of books that were trendy in the 70s: Mickey Rivers.

Sheesh! I don’t know which of these I want to watch first! I think I’ve seen all Alvin the Octopus’s movies…

Rottnest Island Quokka Pictures | POPSUGAR Smart Living

And look at this–I’ve got a date! Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 18

TV Guide – Saturday, March 24, 1979 – Retro Hound

G’day, folks! Byron the Quokka here–and I missed the Super Bowl because I thought it was the Stupor Bowl and couldn’t find it… Anyway, here’s a sample of this weekend’s stupendous colossal television brought to you by Quokka University.

4:30 P.M. Ch. 08  FLASHING WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON–Reality (?) Show

Can you get in trouble by flashing with your clothes on? Will people shriek and drop packages before they realize that you aren’t showing anything they shouldn’t see? Join host U Thant as the Flasher Crew shakes up a crowded Wal-Mart… and creates a dilemma for police. Special Guest: Thor Heyerdahl.

Ch. 15  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News for simpletons

Anchor Dan Rather doesn’t know he’s on the air, so he sits there making goofy faces and morally questionable gestures. In fact, none of them know they’re on the air, and their natural witlessness takes over. No news value–but wait’ll you see Sam Donaldson get all tangled up in his underwear, trying to dress himself.


Violet Crepuscular doesn’t only write suspense: she lives it! Watch the fun as convicts from the State Prison volunteer to taste her latest creations. This week: Asparagus & Toothpaste with Sausages. Special Guest Star: some old guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.

5 P.M.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–N.Y. Yankee Baseball/Horror

In “The Vampire of the Right Field Bleacher Seats” (Cuban-Dutch, 2013), Yankees’ star Dave Winfield spoils his own acting debut by playing two characters at once, and neither one of them the role he was cast for. Plot (as we call it): A right field seat in Yankee Stadium becomes a death sentence until Detective Lieutenant Jim Nast (Betty White) can collar the Rogue Vender (Froggy the Gremlin). Song: “I Miss My Coccyx!”

Ch. 55   THE HAIRBALL KID–Sitcom

12-year-old Herbert S. Klein (Abe Vigoda) is a super-hero with a problem: being part cat, every time he gets excited, he tosses up a hairball. Super-villain Ace King (some guy from Baltimore) thinks he can use that in his scheme to take over the world–Can Herbert stop him? Mrs. Nazgul: Paula Prentiss. Chief Swinburne: Bill Harzia. Egyptian Mummy: Not Yet Identified.

I don’t know about you, but boy, howdy, I can’t wait to watch these! I thought I heard them singing “I Miss My Coccyx” in pick-up sticks practice.

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

Byron the Quokka, signing off.


Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 4

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day out there! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of sustainable TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE TOTALLY PLASTERED 6 O’CLOCK NEWS–News and slosh

Anchorman Poopsie Whippersnapper slurs and mumbles his way through the day’s news as inebriated staffers collide with studio furniture and absent-mindedly start fires. Canadian Mist canceled its sponsorship of this show, but it was quickly picked up by the lesser-known distillery, Old Souse. Sports: Some guy face-down on the floor, we can’t see who it is.

Ch. 51   NEWS FOR SPIDERS–News and commentary

What does the daily news look like to a spider? Anchors Don Fapp and Wendy Bendy, plus all the reporters in the field, wear realistic spider costumes, to reassure real spiders that they have friends in big-time journalism. All news written “with a spidery slant.” Tonight: “Tasty bugs you can catch in the Governor’s Mansion.” Featured: the June Taylor Dancers… with eight legs.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   MISS VIOLET’S KITCHEN–Cooking show

Best-selling romance writer Violet Crepuscular’s real love is gourmet cooking! Tonight she’ll show you “Six Fantastically Creative Uses of Toothpaste”–in cabbage rolls, hors d’ouevres [Search me if I spelled that right!], clam chowder, and three more unexpected dishes. Guest taster: Retired wrestler George “The Animal” Steele.

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   MOVIE OF THE MONTH–Adventure, herpetology

Irving Kallikak stars as actor Burt Lancaster, and Lancaster stars as Irving Kallikak, in Don’t Look Now, But Here Come the Giant Tree Frogs (Indian-Estonian, 2008). A laboratory clean-up goes wrong, and gigantic tree frogs escape to wreak havoc among trees and buildings that can’t support their ponderous weight. General Fizzle: Martin Balsam. Miss Mississippi: Marla Maples. Doc: Joe Pyne. Sneezy: Simon Oakland.

7:30 P.M.  Ch.14   THE SCARLET COCCYX–Historical sitcom

Who is “The Scarlet Coccyx”? The mad bishop (Joey Bishop), the brawling woman with a headache (Patty Duke), the goofy teenage werewolf (Michael Landon)–it could be anybody! This week: Detective Inspector Yogi Shubushu (Matt Damon) thinks he has a clue to The Scarlet Coccyx’s real identity, but nobody cares.

And those shows, boys ‘n’ girls, are just the tip of the iceberg! We’ve been collecting stuff like this from dumpsters all over Rottnext Island.

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island ...

Byron the Quokka–inspecting wheels and signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 28

The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part 9: 1985! | Branded in the 80s

G’day, everybody–Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of life-altering TV programs brought to you by Quokka University. Would you believe these great shows have been left just lying around? Here’s a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 02  CHUCKLEHEAD NEWS–(Self-explanatory)

They’re not the least bit embarrassed by the label “Chucklehead”! This crack news team, assembled by anchor Jimmy Fraud, has a motto: “We’re honest about our dishonesty! We tell the truth about our lies!” Uh, wait a minute… Isn’t that two mottos?

Ch. 08  MOVIE–Apocalyptic vision 

In “The Attack of the Co-ed Dinosaurs” (French-Tasmanian, 1958), they went overboard in the cutting room and tossed out all but 20 minutes of this film–but it’s a great 20 minutes! Eddie Albert stars as a man in a rubber tyrannosaur suit who terrorizes a small town dominated by Rosemary Clooney and her songs. Directed by the United Nations.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  GENGHIS!–Sitcom

Genghis Khan (William Shatner) retires as a world conqueror and moves to Speedwell, New Jersey, to raise guinea pigs. This week: Mrs. Genghis (Jane Austen) and her mother-in-law (Willa Cather) get arrested for practicing alchemy and not getting any better at it. Will the Khan bail them out? Chief Mogan: Liberace. Speedwell Police Force: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 33  SURVIVE IF YOU CAN!–Game show

Follow the fun with emcee Sandy Duncan as contestants are stranded on tiny islands populated by army ants, poisonous snakes, hideous tropical diseases, and ferocious tribes of cannibals–and the one who lives the longest wins a Fogo Industries Prefab Tool Shed!

7 P.M.  Ch. 61  PARANORMAL PETE–Explorations of the unknown

A ghost haunts a stapler; a Good Humor man can’t remember his past life as Brad Pitt; did extraterrestrials build the Macy’s department store in Grogboro, Iowa, that no one else remembers building? Pete Runnels explores these and other unexplained mysteries that no one can figure out! Guest: Susan Duckweed.

Well, there you are! Whoever called TV a vast wasteland obviously never saw any of these shows!

10+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

(I love that bicycle!) Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 21

multiple image galleries

G’day! Herman the Giant Millipede here, filling in for Byron the Quokka, who’s–oh, never mind, here he comes!

Thank you, Herman. Sorry I’m late, folks. Without any more ado, here are samples of Quokka University’s weekend television treasures.

7 P.M.  Ch. 03   WINNING AT CHESS BY MAKING GROTESQUE FACES–(It is what it sounds like)

He may not be a grand master or even a mediocre chess player… but he can turn his face practically inside-out. Yes, it’s Joey Tkachvaevsky, who has literally made some of his opponents faint when they see his antics. Warning: not the show for children, they’ll have nightmares for a week!


Remember Project Mohole, way back when? You used to read about it in “My Weekly Reader.” And then they shut it down because it just didn’t seem like a good way to spend money anymore. But Angelo “Bud” MacChesney, armed with pick and shovel, now digs where Mohole left off–and he’s on his way down, all the way down to the Moho Discontinuity, where things happen that can’t be explained here. Song: “I’m in the Mood for Contortions.”

7:18 P.M.   Ch. 22   NEWS WITH PETER THE HERMIT–Supernatural

He’s not into leading children’s crusades anymore! Now, through professional medium Donna Glutenbauer, Peter the Hermit delivers “News from the Other Side.” Find out what some of history’s most famous dead people have been doing in the last thousand years or so. Critical response runs the gamut from “A shameful fraud” to “Someone needs to go to jail for this!”

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 09   N.Y. METS VS. STELTON CADAVERS–Bladderball

The new game that’s taking professional sports by storm! Rubber bladders filled with sticky diet soda–how far can a baserunner get before somebody breaks a “bladder” over his head? Play-by-play: Jane Austen. Color commentary: Richard “I swear I’ll kill my agent!” Burton. With Maury Povitch and his orchestra.

8 P.M.  Ch. 56   MOVIE–Shakespearean science-fiction with marbles

In “Who Done Do My Tragedy” (Taiwanese, 1998), King Lear (Charles Bronson) is taken aboard a Klingon starship and taught how to “Zmumzowee.” Will it be enough to put things right? Master Gukakk: Roddy McDowell. Capt. Yashyash: Sandy Duncan. Cordelia: Barbara Stanwyck. Duke Snider: Scatman Crothers. Special appearance, having absolutely nothing to do with the plot, by the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, how do you like those apples? I mean, you can chew up your whole weekend just watching these fabulous TV shows! I’ll bet I will

6 Surprising Facts About Quokkas

Baby picture, Mom & me… quite some years ago! Byron the Quokka, signing off.