G’day, faithful readers! Byron the Quokka here–and Phoebe has convinced me to start another comment contest, and Lee wasn’t sure about it, so I said, “Leave it up to me! It shouldn’t be too hard to get this blog humming again.”
As of just now, we have 61,981 comments. We shall set the next target at 64,000, in memory of the famous $64,000 question. And the prize will be–
Sixty-four thousand dollars! [Blood-curdling scream offstage.] Poor chap, he just can’t take a joke. He won’t even offer a bicycle for a prize. So of course it’ll be an autographed copy of his new book, His Mercy Endureth Forever.
Now, how long will it take us to rack up some 2,000 more comments? Search me! But as long as we have fun doing it, who cares?
We have half a year left to achieve the blog’s first-ever 12,000-view month, which we’ve only just missed twice already.
I wonder if we could offer a scholarship to Quokka University. That’ll pack ’em in. But I’ll have to wait till he calms down a bit before I mention that.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, happy to report that the prizes for the last two comment contests have gotten to where they were going and it would be okay to start a new comment contest if it wasn’t still too soon to do it.
Y’know, we’re trying to start a world-class university here, aren’t we? They don’t just spring into existence out of nowhere, do they? Like Athena from the forehead of Sherlock Holmes. No, fellow mammals–it takes a lot of work, meticulous planning, and constant care. Otherwise these college types show up and turn it into Stupidville. That is not on the program for Quokka U.!
But what does Lee want me to do? Run more contests! Like I’ve got all this time on my paws! Can I help it if the blog’s month of July fell flat on its face coming out of the starting gate? Who do I look like–Walt Disney? (Actually we have a quokka who’s a dead ringer for Walt Disney: you couldn’t tell them apart.)
Yeah, I remember, we had the Bell Mountain Movie contest that everybody wanted to read about but only three readers ever entered. There was something wrong with that contest, but I don’t know what: it was before my time. Maybe if he had a quokka running it… But I am not going to volunteer to run a second movie contest!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to get Flora Fauna, the creator of The Smallpox Twins, to come here as a guest lecturer.
G’day, folks, Byron the Quokka here! The quokka in the picture is Handy, the captain of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. Somebody’s giving him a twig. Handy sometimes forgets just what kind of sticks you’re supposed to pick up in pick-up sticks. The picture below is a reminder, in case he’s reading this.
Now, a lot of us thought we ought to join the NCAA so we could contend for an international collegiate pick-up sticks championship. But first we find out they want, like, a zillion dollars’ membership fee, right up front; and then we find out they don’t even have a pick-up sticks conference!
College! They don’t have pick-up sticks, but they’ve got Beyonce studies. Well, we guess Quokka U. is just going to have to blaze a trail, aren’t we? Our motto isn’t Ipso loquitur mannimota for nothing! Meanwhile, would you believe it, a newborn baby Quokka has been named Ipso! Let’s see Hambone University top that–even if they’re in the NCAA and we aren’t.
We’ve got to find some pick-up sticks teams that we can play against. They have one in Canberra, but it’s just a bunch of clumsy humans who get silly after 15 minutes of it.
If your town or school or college has a pick-up sticks team that wants to come to Rottnest Island for a match, please contact the Quokka U. Athletic Dept., care of Mrs. Wanda Nichols, Kookaburra Heights Caravan Park, Hellzapoppin, W. Australia.
Just to let you know: Lee has sent out the comment contest prizes to “Watchman” and Ina. I don’t know what the holdup was, they’re only books. Meanwhile, behind me there’s another one of those bicycles that somebody left just standing there, obviously they don’t want it–what a swell prize that would make! I have also suggested that maybe the winner ought to win a boat, but he won’t listen.
P.S.–Some readers want to know why I’m called Byron the Quokka, when I live on Rottnest Island with all the other quokkas. It would be like calling some guy who lives in New York Alfie the Human.
Well, crikey–how would you like to have a middle name like “the”? I can’t answer the question and it would only exasperate me to try. Let some mysteries remain mysteries!
I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this yesterday. We’ve lined up two more fantastic celebrities as guest lecturers for the opening semester at Quokka University!
No, that’s not them up there in the pictures. It’s just me, Byron the Quokka, posing for the university yearbook.
Who are these fantastic celebrities, you ask? I hope you’re sitting down!
Celebrity No. 1 is none other than Bruno Pong, the Official World Champion of Underwater Chess! How we ever got him, I don’t know. Underwater chess is hard because the pieces keep floating up from the board, it takes an incredible amount of skill just to get a game started. And the fish are always trying to eat them. Plus you’ve got to hold your breath!
As for Celebrity No. 2, hang onto your hats! I don’t know a quokka who hasn’t read Mrs. Kate Rochemotel’s immortal novel of romance, drama, and corruption in the world of pick-up sticks–I mean, this is, like, the War and Peace of pick-up sticks! I guess that’s why its title is The War and Peace of Pick-up Sticks. I love the audiobook version read by that British actor who screams the whole thing at the top of his lungs. I’m sure Mrs. Rochemotel will have some cool stories about him!
We can hardly wait for the semester to get started. Ipso loquitur mannimota!
Oh, that guy! Sheesh! He forgot a birthday! And after I wrote down the list for him, too.
So we are two days late (!) for Michele M. Dumas’ birthday, which was two days ago and it’s all Lee’s fault we’re late, and this is Byron the Quokka on behalf of all the quokkas on Rottnest Island, sending merriest birthday greetings to Michele!
If you’re wonder what that “15 September” thingy is, don’t bother, it’s just a quokka thing.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here. I hate to get on Lee’s back, but I had to remind him that he’s got to send out the prizes won by Watchman and Ina in the last two comment contests. Those would be autographed copies of his latest book, His Mercy Endureth Forever–which took longer than expected to be published, and then it took him ages to lay his hands on a couple of mailers.
I mean, heck, I’d do it for him, but who ever expects to see a quokka in the post office? So he says he’ll do it as soon as he can, probably next week. I won’t let him forget! I’d really like to see this done before it’s time for the next comment contest.
G’day, Byron the Quokka here. And hooray, hooray for the month of June, Quokka U. will be open soon!
I can hardly believe our good fortune! Late yesterday we received a $12 (!) grant from one of our most beloved celebrities, the immortal Helen Schnitzelbonk of Pie-Eye Nebraska, USA–Helen Schnitzelbonk, who won the hearts of quokkas everywhere with her death-defying ascent–by pogo stick, mind you!–of Mt. Cornucopeia… while it was erupting. True, it was a rather small eruption; but Helen didn’t know that at the time.
Twelve dollars! Think what we can do with that. Of course, it’s twelve dollars in American money, I don’t know what that comes out to in real money, but it’s still more than we had in our whole treasury two days ago. My vote is, we buy a bicycle with it.
So now we are shooting for a September opening of our first semester and trying to beautify our campus here on Rottnest Island (kangaroos leave things lying around that no one should see). I think by then we’ll have two more woven grass dorms finished–and I hope we’ll have selected a mascot by then.
And for now, in the words of our university’s classic Latin motto, “Ipso loquitur mannimota!”