Byron’s TV Listings, May 15

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

Yippee-Yay! Quokka University

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Quokka University has added two big names to its teaching faculty!

Steven Patrick Herodotus Michael David Crockett Flanagan–his parents couldn’t decide what to name him, so they just used all the names they liked–has signed on to teach a course in Cowboy Poetry Written By Scottish Fishermen. He’s agreed to work for free, so that’s a big savings right there! Mr. Flanagan has read some of this poetry to persons who visited Kruck’s Department Store to see a vacuum cleaner demonstration, and he says that two of the shoppers really liked it.

But wait, there’s more!

We have also hired Dr. Ruth Fandango, the world’s leading expert on handy things to do with lint, as an associate professor (that means we can fire her) of Intersectional Zoology. We don’t know what that is, but it sounds very collegy! You’ve probably already seen her as a guest on the Olaf Smidgin Show–so that’s another celebrity pickup for us!

As for when Quokka U. will actually open–well, I’m Byron the Quokka, I’m supposed to teach Political Science… and I don’t know!

1,500 Left to Go

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Shhh! Don’t wake Byron the Quokka. He’s worked hard, trying to gin up comments for the comment contest, and now he needs his beauty sleep. He usually dreams of bicycles.

On our way to 75,000 comments, we now have 73,500. Not too many months ago, before the Oligarchy decided my site’s traffic needs to be suppressed, we’d’ve knocked off another 1,500 comments in a week or two. Now, I don’t know.

The prize for posting Comment No. 75,000 will be either an autographed copy of my new book, The Wind from Heaven (it’s just about ready for publication), or else one of those cool T-shirts that says “If they have to kill us, they’ve lost. –Lee Duigon”–your choice.

We had the gold mask of Tutankhamen for a while, but the quokkas didn’t like it and anyway the Cairo Museum wanted it back…


Byron Conks Out

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Well, he tried. Tried for 50 comments. But he has run out of gas before the party’s over.

Byron the Quokka is pooped. There’s no other word for it. There’s only so much a quokka can do.

We shall leave him to a hard-earned rest.

So Where’s the Comments?

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You’d think a birthday party would be a great place to collect comments, even if it is only an imaginary birthday party. And don’t give me imaginary comments!

G’day, Byron the Quokka here at the Leester’s birthday party; and I never get a day off from being in charge of comment contests. This party’s off to a slow start, and we have only four comments so far. I told him we should’ve made the prize a bicycle, but did he listen? Not him!

Instead, you can win an autographed book or this cool T-shirt:


Yeah, I know that picture is just awful. What it says on the shirt is, “If they have to kill us, they’ve lost  –Lee Duigon”. You can count on it to start a conversation anywhere.

But first things first! Nobody wins anything until we get to 75,000 comments! We have passed 73,000, so we have less than 2,000 left to go. Will some of you please stop playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey and post some comments? Anyone would think I couldn’t do this job!


Byron’s TV Listings, May 8

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.


You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.


Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.


While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Setting Up My Birthday Party

Birthday Cake by Grandma Moses on artnet

“Birthday Cake” by Grandma Moses

Just because it’s an imaginary birthday party doesn’t mean you don’t have to do the work. Those of you who’ve already shown up, you can help me set up for tomorrow. And we’ve got a keg of root beer that requires our attention.

Here in real life, it’s cold and grey and rainy. We will have perfect weather for the party: plenty of lawn chairs around the big catalpa tree for sing-alongs, tall tales, and Mad Libs. By all means, Mad Libs. Have you noticed the tree is occupied by cardinals and bluebirds?

Our celebrity guests will be Byron the Quokka and Norbert. Quokkas are already setting up the Monopoly table.

Remember, you’re all invited, we’re going to have a wonderful (albeit imaginary) time… and there will be no nooze. It’s my birthday, and I’ll bar the doors to the nooze if I want to, so there.


Quokka Home Movies

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with some of my family’s home movies. I wanted to post footage of us playing Clue, but everybody else wanted to show the juggling. We love watching humans juggle! It’s sort of a quokka thing–maybe because we are so no good at juggling, ourselves.

Meanwhile, the Comment Contest…

Meet the Quokka: The Happiest Animal in the World - My Animals

What the dickens is this? We’ve got a comment contest running, on our way to 75,000 comments–and we’ve got one today? One? At that rate, the contest won’t be over until sometime in 2025.

G’day–or not. Byron the Quokka here, trying to rally the troops because obviously Lee has no idea what he’s doing. Really, several of us quokkas have been trying to train him, but he hasn’t been up to speed since 1971.

Meanwhile, the Bad Guys out there have got us shadow-banned and we need extraordinary efforts now to accomplish ordinary things! (Did that come out right?)

You folks who’ve never commented before–we need you! We need everybody. Let’s have some comments already! Show the bad guys that they can’t keep us down. Witty, insightful, sagacious, and sometimes funny or even indignant comments–and you’re all welcome to join in.

Let’s hear it!

Byron’s TV Listings (May 1)

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

Wow! Here on Rottnest Island, it’s almost time for Deputy Dawg! But first a word about this week’s TV listings, brought to you by Quokka U. If we can raise enough money, we can buy one of those air-boats like they had in “Everglades.” Now all we need is a swamp!

Byron the Quokka here, and here’s a sample of this weekend’s fabulous television.


The pirates swoop down on a wagon train in the middle of the prairie and suddenly discover they’ve lost their ship! Cap’n Cod: Lorne Green  Clambrain: John Kerry   Marvin the Talking Ox: Howard Cosell


Who says the news anchor has to be human? As Steve runs faster and faster in his hamster wheel, news stories fly out from the bottom and Ed McMahon digs them out of the cedar shavings and reads them for the camera.

6:36 P.M.  Ch. 46   SHERPA TO THE STARS–Travel

Hollywood superstars love to climb the Himalayas! And Sherpa Gutzu Lhotsa Sope is the man who guides them to the summits. Even if he doesn’t always come down with the same celebrities with which he went up. With Andrew Cuomo and his orchestra.

7 P.M.  Ch. 10  HOPALONG HAGGIS–Scottish Western

Hopalong Haggis really does have to propel himself by hopping along on alternate feet, but that doesn’t stop him from solving crimes for the Phnom Penh C.I.D. in Cambodia, with whom he communicates telepathically. This week: someone’s left the water running. Hopalong: Harry Wong   Sgt. MacPherson: Sid Fernandez   Mrs MacGavin: Linzy Kagemusha


Shakespeare’s gory mess makes for hilarious cartoons! Host: Suitcase Simpson.

Ch. 17  MOVIE–Tragicomedy

“Lost in the Outback” (1958) features the Bowery Boys being picked off one by one by rogue kangaroos and vengeful wandering minstrels. Filmed in Brooklyn but made to look just like the Australian wilderness, give or take a few cars and sidewalks. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall.  Rogue kangaroo trainer: Loretta Young. Suspicious-looking Rock: Tommy Lee Jones.

Well, there you have it! I can’t wait to see “Lost in the Outback.” A lot of ninnies get lost in the Outback. Some of them get lost looking for it. They think it’s somewhere “out back.”

I hope our university opens soon.

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