Tag: Byron the Quokka

False Facts, Series VI REPRINT FROM 12/31/2019

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Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with Series VI of Acme False Facts. Aunt Feezy gave me a set for Christmas–I’m afraid she thought the facts were real: us quokkas are trusting souls–and I can hardly wait to impress all the other quokkas with my new-found bogus knowledge!

Without further ado, here are my favorite False Facts, so far.

*Benjamin Franklin invented the cell phone in 1771, but lost interest in it when there was no one to call.

*In 1951 President Mickey Vernon attempted to appoint his horse, Shorty, to the United States Supreme Court. This led to the discovery that he wasn’t really the president, but the Senate confirmed the appointment anyway.

*Kansas City was originally in Japan, but relocated in 1869.

*Ancient astronauts discovered Play-Doh on Mars and brought it to earth in 502 B.C.

*A centipede named Nobody’s Fool won the Kentucky Derby in 1963, but his victory was disallowed because he used too many legs.

I could do this all day, but I won’t–I’ve got a Christmas carol contest to administer.

Remember! Stand up straight, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and speak with unshakeable confidence! And you’ll have a future in politics.

By Request: Byron’s Baby Picture REPRINT

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From May 29, 2019

While I grow older and vegetate in the doctor’s waiting room this morning, we have a request from “Unknowable” for Byron the Quokka’s baby picture. Always happy to oblige, so here it is.

There is, of course, a whole family album to trot out; but Byron eschews celebrity status. I am not sure he knows what “eschews” means. The last time I used that word, he said “Gesundheit.”

Byron the Quokka vs. Joe Collidge: It’s War REPRINT

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G’day! Why did the quokka cross the road?

To try to get some views!

Byron the Quokka here, mates; and it looks like our little bet with Joe Collidge, over who can get the most views, is getting out of hand. Joe has his whole Student Soviet compulsively clicking onto his last post. Good thing they forgot you have to turn the computer on first. Like, if you don’t see anything on the screen, there’s nothing there.

Here at Quokka University, we don’t cheat but we’ve only got the one computer and everybody here has already seen my last TV listings. So we are relying on humans who do not live on Rottnest Island to help us hold our own against those wackos at the college. We do not want to lose the bet and have to give that simpleton an honorary degree from Quokka University–and be laughed at by wombats for the rest of our lives.

Give us a leg up, eh?

Byron’s TV Listings, July 26 REPRINT

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TV Guide July 20, 1981 Los Angeles 5 a.m.-8 p.m.

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious, glamorous, gargantuan TV! Brought to you by Quokka University, where illusions go to die. (All right, I don’t know what I meant! It just sounded cool.)

Saturday

2:42 p.m.   Ch. 45  COCCYX MAN–Superhero drama

What if your coccyx was more than just a coccyx? What if it made you a superhero? That’s exactly what happened to Marcus Farkus (Willis McGeek) when he was trying to clean up the laboratory at night and slipped and fell into a vat of heaven knows what. Prof Knopf: Leo McKern. Woozie Suzie: Hsiang K’e-bang.

Sunday

4:17 p.m.  Ch. 16   SAN FRAN SHRUBS vs. CHARLESTON PAPERWEIGHTS–Sports (after a fashion)

Join celebrity broadcasters Herschel Worthless and Annie Victanny as the two big-league teams go at it! Object of the game: To remain perfectly still the longest! Move too early and you’re out! Sponsored by Ugly Bald Man Weiners.

6:11 p.m.  Ch. 44   LAPSY THE WONDER DOG–Indescribable suspense

No one will believe Lapsy when she tries to warn Farmer YoHo (George “Sparky” Blotz) and his family of talking axolotls. Lapsy must act! Will it do any good to chew up a lot of coarse grass and get terribly ill? We’ll see! Mrs. Bobble: Anne Francis.

So there you have it, folks–this week’s highlights. I can’t wait to see who’s best at remaining perfectly still for hours at a time!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Gee, I wonder if that bike is up for grabs…

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

An important reminder

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For some reason, WordPress is not sending emails to notify readers of any of the blog reprints.  There is some awfully good stuff there, and I’m concerned it is getting missed.  All the regular repeat items that many readers enjoyed are sometimes getting zero views.  So I am letting you know to check the actual blog, rather than relying only on the email notices.

Going to the blog, you will see everything.

All of Lee’s articles, Joe College, Byron the quokka, and Oy Rodney are reprints, as are reprints of Chalcedon articles, so you won’t get emails about them.

Just to let you know.

I am going to contact Jill at Chalcedon to see if there is any workaround for this problem.

I’ll keep you posted.

Patty

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 3 REPRINT

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TV Guide November 23, 1986 N. Alabama afternoon-evening

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, thanks to a mixed-up schedule. Violet Crepuscular has already sworn to get me with her pea-shooter. But like the feller said, “What, me worry?” and “Better late than never.”

Here are a few selections from this weekend’s potpourri of nooze (are you amazed that I could spell that? I am!).

Sunday (too late for Saturday)

11:22 a.m.   Ch. 64   MR. ICONIC–Pure culture rot, if you ask me

Follow Mr. Iconic down the road of Pure Cliche, just off the Meaningless Drivel Highway! This week: Learn how to say “they” and “them” when you’re talking about just one person. It drives people who care about English crazy!

3 p.m.  Ch. 06   BAG THE SCORPION!–Sports

It’s the national sport of Kaboodlestan, now being played all across Europe. Today: Spatrazzini Primos vs. Yorkshire Spads, winner take the whole bag of angry scorpions! Announcer: Yi Fang Chao. Ceremonial Chant: Charlie “Mulekicker” McCroy.

6:06 p.m.  Ch. 71   SELASSIE–Unnaturally smart dog (yawn!)

Selassie, great-great-grandpup of the original Lassie, has taught herself to be Lord High Mountebank of Ethiopia–and the Big Bopper (Jock Mahoney) doesn’t like it! All of these episodes were discovered in an old strongbox tucked away in a spooky corner of an old barn where the mountebanks used to play I Doubt It. This week: Selassie finds a caterpillar in her dog chow.

Well, folks, that’s a little taste of what’s in store for you today! I hope I can get home in time not to watch Mr. Iconic!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Maybe I can borrow that bike over yonder.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Two Hot Flashes from Byron the Quokka! REPRINT

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The comment contest is no longer active, but I had to post this lovely picture of Byron.   PD

From September 12, 2020

I don’t know who wrote that “hot flashes” headline! It should have been “hot news flashes! It should also have been three hot news flashes.

First, there are only 146 comments to go, to reach 65,000 and have a winner in our current comment contest. And this time the grand prize (there he goes again–there’s only one prize) will either be an autographed copy of His Mercy Endureth Forever (first edition, collectors’ item, etc.) or an autographed fli-back paddle ball toy.

Second, I don’t know how, but suddenly that annoying “301 error” message has disappeared from our Facebook posts on Patty’s Facebook page. We’re glad to see it go.

Third–now what was it?–oh, yeah! Quokka University will offer a course on how to read this blog. This is because we’re afraid people are missing special features like Joe Collidge and Oy, Rodney by not backing up a day or two and reading them. You don’t have to read them on the same day they were posted. We’ll also go into the wonderful treasure-trove of the blog archives, going all the way back to late 2011. Do you realize there are literally thousands of blog posts you could read? I’d never do it myself, but it’s all there if you want it.

To attend Quokka University, all you have to do is come to Rottnest Island. There is a rumor that if you close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and bellow out our Latin motto, “Ipso loquitur mannimota,” you will be instantly transported to our campus. I can’t test that because I’m already here. If you can make it work, please let us know! Make sure you tell us where you get transported to.

Byron the Quokka: News Flash! REPRINT

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From January 18, 2023Shakespeare with computer. William Shakespeare in period clothing sitting in school desk with laptop computer shrugging at viewer. shakespeare funny stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

Wow! Byron the Quokka here, with fabulous news! Quokka University has just acquired the exclusive rights to an exclusive TV series, Shakespeare For Persons Who Can’t Hardly Talk.

What’s wrong with Shakespeare? Half the time you don’t know what the heck he’s talking about; and the rest of the time, the plays are too blamed long!

Well, they’ve fixed that. For example, this new improved version of the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet. 

Romeo: Yo!

Juliet: Hey.

Romeo: Hey.

Juliet: That you?

Romeo: See ya. [Exit Romeo and Juliet]

See how much time and space that saves? Heck, when they do Macbeth, it’s only twenty minutes!

Catch ya later, dude!

Quokka Posing And Smiling At Camera Portrait Of A Funny Quokka On Rottnest Island Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

We’ve Hired a Life Coach! At Quokka U REPRINT

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Habits and Traits of Jumping Spiders

From December 5, 2020

Every university needs a life coach, and Quokka U. is no exception. And now we’ve got one!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and I’d like you to meet our new life coach for staff and students alike–Dr. Horatio Fantod!

As you’ve already guessed from the picture, Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He had already set up shop as Rotnest Island’s premier (and only) life coach, and although nobody knows where he earned his doctorate, all his clients think very highly of him. Besides which, he works cheap.

The good thing about him is, he always gives the same advice, the same for everybody, so there are never any difficult surprises. As he puts it, “No matter how you may have messed up your life, you can always make it better with a nice, tasty leaf-hopper! Or any other kind of insect you can catch.”

The bad thing is, he’s so small and consequently has a very small voice. So before he can advise you how to fix up your life by catching insects, he has to crawl up onto your ear and sort of shout into the hole. That’s a bad thing because it tickles! And you have to be careful not to laugh or jiggle your head because then he might fall into your ear and have to climb out–and that tickles even worse. It’s happened to me.

Dr. Fantod’s counseling sessions are free of charge, so we won’t have to raise the tuition to keep him around. As long as he can come out of the rain, he’s happy. And so are we!

 

Byron: Instant Lost & Found REPRINT

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From  November 20, 2019

G’day! Byron the Quokka here.

Lee was feeling a little low today, so I talked him into taking a break to go to the Y.

After a nice hot shower that he doesn’t have to clean up after, he came out to find some chap wandering around the locker room in a bit of a daze. “My clothes, my clothes! Someone has taken my clothes!” Well, he still had his bathing suit, but humans do get edgy when their clothes disappear. They wouldn’t, if they had proper fur. Besides, it was a little cold to be walking home in just a bathing suit.

Lee asked, “Have you looked in all the lockers? Here, let’s look some more.” He opened one locker, empty, another, empty, and then a third. “Here’s some clothes. Are they yours?”

They were. “Oh, I’m so happy! I haven’t been this happy in a long time!” Humans are so emotional, don’t you know.

“See, I told you to go to the Y, and look what happened–your good deed for the day,” I said. “Now maybe you can write something that people will want to read today. I don’t know what you were thinking, writing about that Frothee stuff. You worry me sometimes, mate.”