Tag: Byron the Quokka

A Minor Hiccup at Quokka U. REPRINT

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From May 23, 2020

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and that’s the great Alvin Kasavubu’s blue bike in the background. I am jumping for joy because I found it!

Mr. Kasavubu very kindly agreed to be our first celebrity lecturer here at Quokka University. He is one of the world’s foremost experts on how to keep frogs from jumping off your head once you put them up there, and we were all very excited to have him.

Well, he showed up on his bicycle; and imagine our dismay when his bike went missing! I hope nobody thinks any of us quokkas tried to steal it. After all, our feet can’t reach the pedals. Anyway, poor Mr. Kasavubu, when he’d finished his lecture and wanted to go home, couldn’t find his bike. Was he ever upset! And we all had to go looking for it.

Happily, it wasn’t stolen, after all: somebody just moved it. We suspect wombats. They can’t resist a bit of joy-riding. If we ever find out who actually moved the bike, we’ll have to put them on academic probation. If we can figure out how to do that.

But at least we had the lecture, and a very interesting lecture it was!

We are well on our way to creating one of the world’s great universities.

Wanted: A School Song for Quokka U. REPRINT

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Image result for images of quokkas singing

From March 21, 2020

Tuning up to sing our school song–once we decide what it is

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest on Quokka University.

We’ve been so busy appointing deans and such, we almost forgot one of the most important things for any college–a school song! We’re going to vote on it, and here are the top three candidates so far:

“I’m an Old Cow-Hand from the Rio Grande”

“The Ants Go Marching One by One” (my favorite!)

“I’ve Got Sixpence”

Aunt Feezy is still holding out for “How Much Is That Emu in the Window?”, but she’s the only one. There’s also some support for this old Simon & Garfunkel song, “I am Iraq, I am an Ireland,” but that one doesn’t make much sense to me. There’s a group of tuataras over in New Zealand who sing it really well, but it’s just not a quokka song.

Image result for Images of singing tuatara

Besides, I think tuatara-singing is an acquired taste, and I have not acquired it yet.

Well, if any of you humans out there want to vote on our school song, please go right ahead. Maybe you can suggest a great song we haven’t thought of yet.

The school song will be sung at half-time during all our pick-up sticks matches.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 25 REPRINT

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From September 25, 2021

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

Blimey! The next time I do this, it’ll be October!

G’day, this is Byron the Quokka with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. If there’s not a game of Clue going in your neighborhood, these shows are the next best thing.

5:45 P.M.  Ch. 41   TALK LIKE ELMER FUDD!–Educational

John Gielgud’s family and friends seriously considered having him put away while he was doing this series for Josip P. Broz’s People’s Public Television. Once he got started talking like Elmer Fudd, he couldn’t stop! For a good while there, it endangered his career. Featured guests: Anthony Quinn, Irene Ryan.

6 P.M.  Ch. 08   UNCONTROLLED RAVING ABOUT SPORTS–Sports

Caspar Hoojah does himself an injury as he overreacts to this week’s news in sports! Last week he jumped out his studio’s second-floor window because the Yankees got yanked. This week, who knows? The walls of his studio have since been padded: we’ll see if that keeps him out of the hospital. With R.D. Laing and his orchestra.

Ch. 16  MOVIE–Steamy Jungle Romance

In “Steaming Jungle Passion” (1996), Prof. Gargle (Leonard Bernstein) leads an expedition into the Amazon rain forest in search of Batboy (Frank Buttocks)–only to discover a long-lost city of maniacs ruled by fantastically beautiful women, all of whom want the professor and will do anything to get him! Boobah: Ellen Burstyn. Crowd of lunatics: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “Itchy Jungle Disease”

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 12  CTHULHU & CO.–Cartoons

Inspired by the horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, these cartoons are guaranteed to freak you out! Many viewers require long-term psychiatric therapy after just one or two exposures. Others, we regret to say, join disreputable cults. Host: Uncle Jack Torrance. Puppets: Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren.

Ch. 52  “YOUR MOVE, STUPID!”–Game Show

Can you play Monopoly, poker, checkers, and Candy Land at the same time? Our celebrity contestants will try to do just that, rushing from table to table as the overhead Monster Clock ticks away… Raul Castro this week puts his title on the line against The Dixie Chicks, Dan Rather, and Barney Rubble. Host: a disembodied head floating in a jar, we don’t know whose.

Well, mates, there you go! Maybe you should record some of these, in case Q.U. ever has to open its doors and start teaching courses. But for the time being, it’s party time!

World's happiest animal', the quokka, becomes the most popular tourist attraction at Australia's Rottnest Island

Quokkas’ Home Movies REPRINT

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From July 13, 2019

I’m beginning to fear that maybe this quokka stuff is getting out of hand; but then I’m getting killed with allergies today, so what do I know?

See if you can spot Byron in the crowd of neighbors, friends, and relatives. Some of them will be getting together to play Bell Mountain Trivia later tonight.

I have to go to bed. I feel awful.

Byron’s TV Listings (May 29) REPRINT

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David C. Tucker, Author: When TV Was Simpler

From May 29, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s spectacular TV broadcasts brought to you by the crew at Quokka University–just in time for Lee’s porch party! Without further ado:

2:30 P.M.  Ch 09  GENGHIS MY FOOT!–Drama

Brought back to life by a mad scientist (former California Gov. Jerry Brown), Genghis Khan (Mickey Rooney) is elected mayor of Hangem High, CT, and immediately sets out to conquer all of North America–after he recruits a Mongol horde. Mrs. McFlop: Eve Arden. Ghost: Fernando Lamas

Ch 12  GROW IT & SHOW IT–Gardening

Guest Luther Furbag has bred brown flowers “that look like they’re already dead.” Host: Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers. With Carl Sagan and his orchestra.

2:47 P.M. Ch 21  PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE–Politics

Top candidates for the presidency of the Bilgewater Fishing Club, Francis X. Fimbo and Don Diego Shaughnessy, square off on foreign policy, Climate Change, economic recovery, and blind dates. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

3:00 P.M.  Ch 03   THE ARACHNIDS–Sitcom/Suspense

Can a family of gigantic spiders live the good life in a human suburb? Only if they can learn to fit in! Episode 1: The Arachnids get off on the wrong foot with their neighbors when Muffy (Chelsea Clinton) eats Mr. Prigg’s dog. Directed by Jack Webb (who else?). Mr. Prigg: Edward Platt. Daddy Spider: James Arness. Grandma Spider: A real spider blown up to colossal size.

Ch. 15 PC POLICE SQUAD–Grime Drama

Hair-raising tales of misgendering, microaggression, and cultural appropriation, with only Lt. Kaydence Jugular (Jane Fonda) and her Bias Response Team standing between the human race and offensive language. Filmed inside a cement mixer! Sock puppets by Ralph Lauren and Carl LaFong.

There you have it! What’s a porch party without great stuff on TV?

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 9 REPRINT

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TV Guide November 17, 1977 C. Ohio 6 a.m.-3 p.m. (thanks to ...

From August 9, 2025

 

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, filling in for the big guy, who is still hors de combat. (Who says Australian marsupials can’t speak French? Hah!) Anyway, here are three shows I scraped up from the pavement for you. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Saturday

7:07 p.m.   Ch. 57   CHAINSAW CHARLIE–Do It Yourself

Lonesome Charlie Gromm comes to you live from the woodworking shop at Clydesdale Prison, where he’s serving a 75-year-sentence for Not Being a Liberal–but the show must go on! This week: Charlie turns his chainsaw skills to soap carving. Really, it’s amazing, what Warden Pong lets him get up to!

8:16 p.m.   Ch. 14  THE SCHMENDRICKS–Award-winning sitcom

Dennis and his family like to live dangerously! This week: Mrs. S (some idiot who has blackmailed the producer) takes up breaking and entering as a pastime. Can hubby Carlo make her stop before she lands the whole family in the hoosegow? Allie Schmendrick: Ellen Mellon.

Sunday

12:45 p.m.   Ch. 26   MAJOR LEAGUE SCRUNCHING–Extreme low-brow sports

The Hackensack Pinch-Bug Larvae take on the Enraged Feminists, live from the Paramus Landfill in New Jersey. (Rosters unavailable at this time.) Hackensack left cobbler Perry Mingler last week set a new world’s record for ogling. EF star Punchy Gross has vowed to “take it out of his male chauvinist hide.”

All right, that’s that, I’m out of steam.

1,200+ Cute Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 16 REPRINT

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December 15-21, 1962 TV Guide

From August 16, 2025

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of enlightenment brought to you by Quokka University… the college too obscure to die.

Here are three samples for you.

Saturday

11:18 a.m.  Ch. 06   TV for simpletons–GRADY PISHPOCK–(“Talk the hind leg off a donkey”)

Join host GradyPishpock in conversations guaranteed to embarrass! This week: Grady takes on Congresswoman Jan Jiffy in a debate about what’s that on the floor of the studio, just by the door. Watch Grady tie her into knots!

Sunday

9:54 a.m.  Ch. 71  Drama (sort of)–When is a swarm of insect pests not a swarm of insect pests? When it’s  PEST PEEVES WITH LYDDIE COCANOWER. This week: Lyddie “fixes those pesky caterpillars” by feeding them to grouchy neighbors. Special guest: Sgt. Bud Perkins, local police (“Actually, Ms. Coconut, these aren’t half-bad! I believe I’ll have another handful.”

7:14 p.m.  Ch. 22  Stark melodrama–LAPSY, THE BAD-TEMPERED MONITOR LIZARD

This show gives Lassie a run for the money. He is fully capable of swallowing a collie dog. This week: Tommy (Nicky Hsiang) and Dippy (Debi Moostoosian) think they’ve lost Lapsy–until the whole staff at Boro Hall runs out in a panic onto the street, screaming maniacally. And they can’t wake Officer Plugg (a department store dummy).

Say hey, can you go for these? I’m a Grady Pishpock fan, myself; but I’m undergoing treatment for it.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

(Me and my agent, Olaf Spiggit)

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15 REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

From May 15, 2021

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

Byron’s TV Listings (May 1) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

Wow! Here on Rottnest Island, it’s almost time for Deputy Dawg! But first a word about this week’s TV listings, brought to you by Quokka U. If we can raise enough money, we can buy one of those air-boats like they had in “Everglades.” Now all we need is a swamp!

Byron the Quokka here, and here’s a sample of this weekend’s fabulous television.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 03   THE BLOODY PIRATES OF SKELETON ISLAND–Adventure

The pirates swoop down on a wagon train in the middle of the prairie and suddenly discover they’ve lost their ship! Cap’n Cod: Lorne Green  Clambrain: John Kerry   Marvin the Talking Ox: Howard Cosell

Ch. 05   NEWS WITH STEVE THE HAMSTER–News

Who says the news anchor has to be human? As Steve runs faster and faster in his hamster wheel, news stories fly out from the bottom and Ed McMahon digs them out of the cedar shavings and reads them for the camera.

6:36 P.M.  Ch. 46   SHERPA TO THE STARS–Travel

Hollywood superstars love to climb the Himalayas! And Sherpa Gutzu Lhotsa Sope is the man who guides them to the summits. Even if he doesn’t always come down with the same celebrities with which he went up. With Andrew Cuomo and his orchestra.

7 P.M.  Ch. 10  HOPALONG HAGGIS–Scottish Western

Hopalong Haggis really does have to propel himself by hopping along on alternate feet, but that doesn’t stop him from solving crimes for the Phnom Penh C.I.D. in Cambodia, with whom he communicates telepathically. This week: someone’s left the water running. Hopalong: Harry Wong   Sgt. MacPherson: Sid Fernandez   Mrs MacGavin: Linzy Kagemusha

Ch. 12  TITUS ANDRONICUS–Cartoons

Shakespeare’s gory mess makes for hilarious cartoons! Host: Suitcase Simpson.

Ch. 17  MOVIE–Tragicomedy

“Lost in the Outback” (1958) features the Bowery Boys being picked off one by one by rogue kangaroos and vengeful wandering minstrels. Filmed in Brooklyn but made to look just like the Australian wilderness, give or take a few cars and sidewalks. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall.  Rogue kangaroo trainer: Loretta Young. Suspicious-looking Rock: Tommy Lee Jones.

Well, there you have it! I can’t wait to see “Lost in the Outback.” A lot of ninnies get lost in the Outback. Some of them get lost looking for it. They think it’s somewhere “out back.”

I hope our university opens soon.

DMD Disease Treatment - Quokka Cure | Particle

At Home with the Quokkas REPRINT

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See the source image

From July 21, 2019

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–just for a chat.

A lot of people think we quokkas live in burrows, but we don’t: grass and shrubbery, that’s what we like. We live in nice houses made of grass. We used to keep the King of the Quokkas’ furniture upstairs, but then the heaviest item fell through the ceiling and smashed our toaster oven. Quokkas who live in grass houses shouldn’t store thrones.

Some of you have wondered what we do at night. Well, we’re homebodies, we love our family time together… so we watch Machiste movies. They’re mostly in Italian, but it’s Italian with an Australian accent, so we can understand it. Happily, there are dozens of Machiste movies, even if a lot of them got remarketed as Hercules movies. My favorite is Machiste Meets the Vacuum Cleaner Man–very scary!

We’re also very fond of board games, like Clue, Stratego, Carcassone, Settlers of Catan, and Who Knoo the Kangaroo?, which I am told is very popular in New Jersey.

When we go to bed we like to read a bit before turning the light out. We all read the Bell Mountain books. They’re my favorites. My mum is a huge fan of those detective stories by Violet Crepuscular about this detective who always gives up before he comes anywhere near solving the crime. I don’t understand what she sees in them, myself.

It’s a quiet life, but we like it!