G’day! Byron the Quokka here; and it’s my pleasure today to open our Second Annual Christmas Carol Contest! The winner gets an autographed book (instead of a bicycle!).
Now, how do we do this? Don’t worry, the hard part will be the scorekeeping, and if Mr. Lee thinks I’m going to do that, he’s daft! I’m just the head honcho, I don’t keep score.
Anyone can request as many Christmas carols as he or she likes: you could do it every day, if you want.
The winner will be whoever requests the carol that gets the most views on the day it was requested. Which means the lead can change hands every day, and that’s the part I plan to leave alone: let the guy with the beard do it! And again, you can enter every day, no restrictions.
Well, there is one restriction–none of those “Santa Baby” carols, stuff like that. Christmas is fun, but it’s also a serious religious festival. So “Up on the Housetop” or “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” won’t be entered in the contest. You know what I mean, he said optimistically.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and that’s one of my baby pictures with Mom and a nice, tasty leaf. I thought it’d make a nice change from the nooze.
As you know–well, you’d know if you were paying attention!–Quokka University is now without a Philosophy Dept. How do we fill the void?
Well, our Quokka U. Pick-Up Sticks team has stepped into the breach! Really, you can’t go wrong with pick-up sticks–especially once you’ve quickly whipped up a course on Philosophy and Pick-Up Sticks 101!
Believe it or not, there’s all sorts of life lessons you can learn from pick-up sticks. Like, when to grab for something and when to leave it alone. Isn’t it just awful when you try to grab something that you ought to have left alone, and leave something alone that you ought to have grabbed? As one of our great poets once said, “Learn the tricks of pick-up sticks!” T.S. Eliot, I think.
So lay off the nooze for the rest of the day! Have a bloomin’ Klondike Bar. Watch Attack of the Crab Monsters (we’re going to have a course in that movie, once we get going). Jump around a bit. Dig nice holes in the ground. You can always go back to the nooze tomorrow. It’ll still be there.
Take it from a quokka–pick-up sticks keeps you from burning out. This is why there are no crazy quokkas.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with distressing news from Quokka University.
Before we could open our doors to our first class, we’ve had to fire the chairman of our Philosophy Dept., who was also going to teach all the philosophy courses.
We began to have doubts about him a few weeks ago when he started confronting quokkas and asking questions that we couldn’t answer. Like these.
“What did Thutmosis III say when he ran out of potato chips?”
“What is the difference between here and there?” (That one always made him laugh maniacally.)
“How do you tell which ants in the anti-hill are racists?”
So that’s that for Professor Humphrey Dumfries. He has since sent us this post card.
You are probably thinking he has been committed to a hospital. In fact, he was almost instantly hired by Rutgers University in America, to head their Philosophy Dept. They only make him wear the straitjacket so he won’t harm anybody during his lectures.
As for us, we suddenly find ourselves without a Philosophy Dept. There is a cuscus who might agree to chair it, if she can overcome her shyness.
G’day from Quokka University! Byron here: and, as chairquokka of our Political Science Dept., I wish to announce the hiring of an associate professor! Hired by me, in fact. Trumpets, please! May I introduce our first associate professor of political science…here he is…
Norbert the therapy dog!
I hired him because you can hardly believe how sharply he can change direction, even while running at full speed. This is an invaluable skill in politics! Human politicians take pride in their ability to zig-zag, but Norbert puts them all to shame.
I have assigned him to teach Sharp Turns 101 and Being For It, Then Against It 202.
Did I mention he works cheap? Well, he only weighs three pounds, it’s not like you have to feed him a lot. No need to raise the tuition just to feed Professor Norbert.
As for the burning question, “What is the tuition?”, well, don’t look at me, I’m the Poli Sci Dept.! See if you can find the registrar, Aunt Feezy the Quokka, and ask her. I think I saw her going into the mangrove swamp.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here–patting myself on the back because Quokka University is almost ready to open and I have been instrumental in hiring an academic superstar to jazz up our faculty.
Eat your heart out, Oxford! Cry me a river, Harvard! There’s only one Professor Helmut Shimble, and we’ve got him!
But it wasn’t easy: we can’t afford the kind of salary Prof. Shimble’s used to, so we had to make it up to him in perks. That made for delicate negotiations! To name just a few of those perks:
*The cafeteria has to serve him anything he wants, whenever he wants it.
*He doesn’t have to share his canvas shelter with anyone.
*Everyone will have to read his book, Advanced Principles of Subaqueous Cleftonics, and say they liked it.
*The university will not be informed of the content of his classes.
*No one is allowed in his classroom while he’s teaching. That includes students. He finds students a distraction.
Talk about prestige! This is one of the top ten most famous university professors in the world–almost as famous as that other guy somewhere, I forget his name, he’s on Youtube or something. But the mere presence of Professor Helmut Shimble on campus has instantly elevated Quokka U. to the highest rank of higher education. Three cheers for us!
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest exciting progress report from Quokka University.
We’re going to have a School of Architecture!
Y’know, everyone thinks he can design and build a building–and look at the mess they make of it. By contrast, here I am having dinner in Quokka U’s all-new Leon G. Fuzzymuzzle Cafeteria. What a difference raw architectural know-how makes!
Once we get around to actually having students, we expect our architectural graduates to revolutionize building design all over Rottnest Island–and maybe the world. I mean, have you seen that monstrosity they call the London City Hall? Looks like a giant pimple!
Well, you can bet your last leaf that we won’t be building anything like that. Even those jimbos in London could’ve done better, if they’d used grass and sticks and twigs. And because we use all natural building materials, our city hall would’ve cost practically nothing.
We can hardly wait to open Quokka U to everyone who loves learning (and can pay the tuition!).
While Lee goes off to bang his head against the wall after a morning of studying the nooze, we’re creating a new department for Quokka University!
Byron the Quokka here, mates–and that’s Loueezee the Quokka looking back over her shoulder at the first little stirrings of our university’s Dept. of Made-Up Languages. We’ve been advised by the Global University Accreditation Board (GUAB–easy to remember! “Have you got your GUAB?”) that every accredited university or college must include in its curriculum a certain percentage of “studies” that are demonstrably useless. Otherwise, no GUAB certificate!
So we’re gonna offer a whole degree program in Made-Up Languages, most of them made up right there in the classroom. We are shooting for something even more useless than Superhero Studies. It’s gonna cost extra tuition, too!
Classes will be held in the bum-bum bushes immediately behind that old dead tree where Art Depreciation meets. There aren’t going to be any professors. It seems no one wants to be a professor of Made-Up Languages. You can usually talk Albert the Wallaby into anything, but even he didn’t want this. “Yer ammy befrond!” he said. He was either quoting Constable Chumley or saying something rude in a language that he just made up.
We have to create a few more departments before we can open for business; but I think we’ll have a pretty easy time getting our GUAB.
G’day–or not so good! Byron the Quokka here, and I dassn’t tell you where “here” is because there’s a bloke runnin’ all over Rottnest Island trying to slap a lawsuit on me. I knew these new dorms had to be good for something. They look just like tufts of grass, don’t they?
I can hardly believe there’s someone suing us–suing Quokka University, by jove!–for teaching things that aren’t true. Good grief! Do you think you can get a college accredited by teaching truth? Pull the other one! The whole academic world would come after us with shotguns if we ever taught anything that’s true.
We are in trouble because we plainly labeled our false facts “False Facts.” Guaranteed not to be true! You have our word on it! Crikey, they’re not our false facts at all, we’re just usin’ ’em for fund-raising: it’s Acme False Facts Inc. that they ought to be suing.
Well, now we’re going to have to go to the bother of luring the crocodile in from the salt marshes and luring the lawsuit wallah into the pond with the crocodile. We are told that this is what universities do with anyone who gets in their way. Well, we do want our accreditation, don’t we? When in Rome, etc.
(I have to get back outside and write some more of my book–but first here’s Byron the Quokka with a special announcement.)
G’day! Byron the Quokka here–that’s me inspecting the groundwork for what will one day be Quokka University’s auxiliary lecture hall. But we’ll need more money to finish the job, and that’s where this special edition of Acme False Facts comes in. For a mere $250 (you see they’ve lowered the price), you can get a set of False Facts Flash Cards which will enable you to dazzle your friends with your esoteric knowledge.
To whet your appetite, here are just a few samples.
*Cave men with guns killed off the dinosaurs. You could look it up.
*The first Club Med was established in Harbin, Manchuria, in 1952. It’s still the most popular Club Med in Manchuria.
*A 1969 poll by the Sons of Bacchus softball team revealed that hardly anyone likes cauliflower stewed in maple syrup.
*The first cell phone was invented in ancient Egypt in 1298 B.C. but was suppressed by Pharaoh Ramses II when he got one too many calls from Hittites selling time shares in a Syrian cave that turned out to be haunted.
*The Common English Pencil Bug can actually be used as a pencil. It even has an eraser!
So there you have it. Shoulders back, chest out, and head held high–deliver these guaranteed false facts with all the conviction you can muster, and enjoy your new career as a sage.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here with Uncle Shinbone, and that’s the Quokka University Political Science Dept. offices in the background. It needs a little more work.
Having been unable to get us 300 or more views for three days in a row, Uncle Shinbone now says it’s not his fault, the wind wasn’t blowing properly, and what the heck, he’s going fishing. “Let one of those smart-aleck wombats try,” he says.
I don’t know what it is with him and fishing, he never catches anything. Well, all right, he once caught a picture of a fish. Not many humans can say they’ve done that. I guess I’ll just have to figure out some other way to get the views back up to speed. Meanwhile, “I’m going for marlin,” Uncle Shinbone says. We all have our dreams, don’t we?