G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!
Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.
So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.
8:17 a.m. Ch. 03 BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion
Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.
8:30 a.m. Ch. 16 CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming
Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.
Ch. 21 MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama
Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.
Ch. 42 MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming
A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel. Capablanca: Benny Hill. Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.
9 a.m. Ch. 08 MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi
“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun. The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.
Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.