Tag: Byron the Quokka

We’ve Hired a Life Coach! At Quokka U REPRINT

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Habits and Traits of Jumping Spiders

From December 5, 2020

Every university needs a life coach, and Quokka U. is no exception. And now we’ve got one!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and I’d like you to meet our new life coach for staff and students alike–Dr. Horatio Fantod!

As you’ve already guessed from the picture, Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He had already set up shop as Rotnest Island’s premier (and only) life coach, and although nobody knows where he earned his doctorate, all his clients think very highly of him. Besides which, he works cheap.

The good thing about him is, he always gives the same advice, the same for everybody, so there are never any difficult surprises. As he puts it, “No matter how you may have messed up your life, you can always make it better with a nice, tasty leaf-hopper! Or any other kind of insect you can catch.”

The bad thing is, he’s so small and consequently has a very small voice. So before he can advise you how to fix up your life by catching insects, he has to crawl up onto your ear and sort of shout into the hole. That’s a bad thing because it tickles! And you have to be careful not to laugh or jiggle your head because then he might fall into your ear and have to climb out–and that tickles even worse. It’s happened to me.

Dr. Fantod’s counseling sessions are free of charge, so we won’t have to raise the tuition to keep him around. As long as he can come out of the rain, he’s happy. And so are we!

 

Byron: Instant Lost & Found REPRINT

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From  November 20, 2019

G’day! Byron the Quokka here.

Lee was feeling a little low today, so I talked him into taking a break to go to the Y.

After a nice hot shower that he doesn’t have to clean up after, he came out to find some chap wandering around the locker room in a bit of a daze. “My clothes, my clothes! Someone has taken my clothes!” Well, he still had his bathing suit, but humans do get edgy when their clothes disappear. They wouldn’t, if they had proper fur. Besides, it was a little cold to be walking home in just a bathing suit.

Lee asked, “Have you looked in all the lockers? Here, let’s look some more.” He opened one locker, empty, another, empty, and then a third. “Here’s some clothes. Are they yours?”

They were. “Oh, I’m so happy! I haven’t been this happy in a long time!” Humans are so emotional, don’t you know.

“See, I told you to go to the Y, and look what happened–your good deed for the day,” I said. “Now maybe you can write something that people will want to read today. I don’t know what you were thinking, writing about that Frothee stuff. You worry me sometimes, mate.”

A New Science Is Born! REPRINT

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Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

From August 1, 2020

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, on what is sure to be forever remembered as an historic occasion!

Because on this day, a new science is born. Brand-new! In fact, if you want to earn a degree in it, the only place in the whole world where you can do that is right here at Quokka University! Because we have a monopoly on the new science of…

Cryptogeography!

Even as Cryptozoology is the study of animals that have to be found before they can be studied, because they may or may not exist, so is cryptogeography the study of places that may or may not exist. [Note to Board of Sages: we owe Phoebe S. an honorary doctorate in Cryptogeography, for coining the name.]

Did you ever try to go someplace and never get there–and you thought it was because you just got lost somehow? Well! Maybe the place was really there… and maybe it wasn’t. I mean, really, blimey, how do you get to Brigadoon, or Gondor, or the Seven Cities of Gold? Poor Coronado wandered all over the map and never found the place that he was looking for. How many times have you been told, “Just keep on going down Route Whatsit, and you can’t miss it”? And then you do miss it, because it isn’t there! But maybe, just maybe, it was there yesterday.

What makes lost cities lost? How do they get found again?

You can see the world’s been needing a science of Cryptogeography for quite a long time.

And as we say here at Q.U.–Ipso loquitur mannimota!

Byron and His Mom REPRINT

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From May 29, 2019

Lee is outside writing The Wind from Heaven, his new book, and he said I could post one more picture here–but just one, he doesn’t want the whole family album.

This is me and my mom. Her name is Francesca. That used to be Robbie the cat’s name, but she didn’t want it so my mom took it. I am supposed to be learning how to run this blog when Lee’s not here. My mom says she always wanted me to be a blogger. A lot of quokkas have blogs, but not many people know that. You’d be surprised how many famous blogs are really quokka blogs.

I guess I will take a break now and see if there are any french fries available.

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 5 REPRINT

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From February 5, 2022

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the best TV you’ll see all week! People are dyin’ to know where we get these shows! I wish I could tell you, but I don’t want to suddenly disappear… if y’know what I mean. Anyhoo, here’s a sample of this weekend’s revels:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   PRESIDENT FOR LIFE!–Drama

So you think it’s easy, being dictator? Gen. Buckethead (Edward Platt) needs a special march for his death squads (“Like the goose-step, only higher–much higher!”), while Mrs. Buckethead (Nancy Pelosi) can’t decide whose scalp to wear to the annual Diversity Ball. Who will be led out and shot this time? Suck-up News Anchor: Dan Rather.

Ch. 10   SAMMY THE GIANT JELLYFISH–Children’s Science Fiction

It takes a lot of jellyfish to make the high seas safe for multi-family housing; but Sammy (Sidney Toler) is a lot of jellyfish! This week: Mr. Bigsheets (Sal Hepatica) need’s Sammy’s help when his Floating Apartments keep sinking for no apparent reason. Sally the Giant Sea Cucumber: Julie Andrews

8:00 P.M.   Ch. 18  HOME RUN DERBY–Game Show

Can they still hit home runs if they’re 80 years old, up against a near-sighted pitcher who throws heat–and wearing an oversized derby instead of a batting helmet? Heck, the freakin’ thing keeps slipping down over their eyes just as the ball is released! Host: Noam Chomsky. Tonight’s contestants: Shotgun Shuba, Bob Allison, Elio Chacon. First one hit into the seats wins everybody else’s personal belongings.

Ch. 41  MOVIE–Historical Epic

In “Hercules vs. the Bugs of Babylon” (Finnish-Ethiopian, 1987), Sunu Huutuala, “the Steave Reaves of Helsinki,” stars as the legendary strongman who must save Babylon from an invasion of shield bugs. Evil mastermind: Arnold Stang. Loola the Slave Girl: Helen Hayes. Babylonian goon squad: the June Taylor Dancers.

8:08   Ch. 37  UNSOLVED PARANORMAL LOTTERY NUMBERS–Utter Ca-Ca

Emcee John Kerry (wooden puppet) unwinds the convoluted excuses of self-taught experts whose fool-proof systems… fail. This week: “Bigfoot changed my numbers”: 14 guests from all around the country tell their stories. Featuring Mr. Clean and his orchestra. (Yes, the real Mr. Clean from all those old commercials!)

Well, me hearties, cruise through the weekend on a sea of great TV! Blimey! Have I just made a metaphor? This job is getting to me!

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

The Quokka U. Film Project REPRINT

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From August 22, 2020

Quokkas Are So Cute People Can't Believe They're Real - UNILAD

Lights! Camera! Action!

Byron the Quokka here, with the latest from Quokka University! We’re not open yet, but we’re already dreaming up spectacular academic and cultural triumphs that’ll put us on the map before you can say “Abombalbap!” Actually, I’ve heard some people have a lot of trouble just saying that at all…

But hark! Introducing the Quokka University Film Project! Yes, we will create and release an extraordinary feature film, just as soon as we can raise the money for it. We know you’ll all want to contribute, once you hear what the movie’s going to be about. May we have a trumpet fanfare, please?

Introducing [da-tada-da!]… from Quokka U. Studios…

Oy, Rodney: The Catastrophe. Starring a lot of quokkas, koalas, and wallabies! Mel Gibson wanted to direct it, but we’re going for “the Outback Hitchcock,” who needs no introduction so I won’t give him one.

We wanted Rachel Ward to play Lady Margo Cargo, but she ran away. No problem–Rottnest Island’s full of quokkas who can act the hind leg off a donkey.

We realize we have a lot of big old established universities as our competition, and they’ll do just about anything to stay on top. Well, let ’em try! If we can’t do better than Stanford or some other place like that, we don’t deserve to have a university.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 27 REPRINT

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Pin by Dale Lund on TV in 1967 | Tv guide, Tv guide listings ...

From January 27, 2024

G’day, g’day–and rain, rain, go away! Byron the Quokka here, with TV delights guaranteed to get you through the bad weather without your brains falling out. Like these, for instance:

7 P.M.  Ch. 08  CAN PEOPLE GET HAIRBALLS?–Panel discussion

Join a panel of non-entity celebrities–Beto O’Rourke, Alyssa Milano, Colin Whatsisname, and some ninny who broke in here one night, looking for designer undies–as they continue to discuss this fascinating topic. They’ve been at it eight weeks now! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers and their new number, “Coccyx Busters.”

Ch. 18  THE NEWS GAME WITH JIMMY FRAUD–Penance

Can you pick out the only news item of the night that’s not a fake? If our special guests can’t, they get a shock where it’ll do the most good! Featuring Artificial People in the studio audience!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  MOVIE–Documentary

John Phillip Tossup stars as the legendary Barroom Head-Butting champion, Windy Weinstein in It Hurts You More Than It Hurts Me (Serbo-Honduran, 2014: 781 minutes). Was Windy’s head really indestructible? Glamorous CIA Agent Barbie Vavoom (Sandy Duncan, with voice-over by Luciano Pavarotti) needs to know! Song: “Ooh, Me Achin’ Head!”, sung by studio electricians.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  HAVE FLEAS, WILL TRAVEL–Adult Western

(Yes, everybody in this show is an adult!) Gunslinger Lightnin’ Morose (Mel Allen) can’t get rid of them dam’ itchy fleas no matter what he does! This week: A sinister shepherd (Rin Tin Tin) offers Lightnin’ a bath in his sheep dip… with results that’ll keep you freaked out for a week! Little Nell: Dame Judith Anderson. Bystander: Walter Lippman.

Well, that’s that! You’ve got some great TV this week–

The quokka is the happiest animal on Earth! : r/pics

–or my name isn’t Byron the Quokka! And that’s me, signing off.

Trouble in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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From June 9, 2019

I am happy to report that Byron the Quokka has returned. He was not able to squeeze Ms. Crepuscular through the bars of the holding cell, but he did succeed in rescuing the manuscript, along with a note from Violet to her readers. We quote:

“My dear readers, it’s really too silly for words, my being in jail like this for the sake of a few harmless toothpaste rolls which I eat all the time and have never gotten sick! True, Mr. Pitfall ate all two dozen of them–but it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t stop him. And it’s not like he’s died or anything! The doctors expect him to be back on his feet in just a year or two. My thanks to Byron the Whatchamacallit for saving my manuscript! The detective who read it said he would surely destroy it, as a service to world literature. Yours sincerely, Violet M. Crepuscular.” She will not tell us what the M stands for.

Moving on, we now have a Chapter CCCI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, which is somewhat below her usual artistic standard–or anyone else’s, for that matter. In this chapter, all of Scurveyshire, led by the few survivors of the Peasants Benevolent Assn., is in an uproar. They have assembled at Coldsore Hall to yell at Lord Jeremy.

“They’ll skedaddle, ol’ hoss, if you let me shoot a few of ’em,” offers the American adventurer, Willis Twombley. “Back home, them Elamites was always tryin’ to riot their way into my palace.” He thinks he is Sargon of Akkad. “But they always gave up when my archers started usin’ ’em for target practice.”

“I’m dashed if I can see my way to that, old boy,” expostulates (I just work here) Lord Jeremy. “If they’d just stay away from that deuced wading pool in the vicar’s back yard, they wouldn’t get sucked under it in droves.” He finally placates the mob by promising to get rid of Black Rodney, the medieval sorcerer responsible for all these objectionable happenings.

“How you gonna do that, Germy?” wonders Twombley. “Him bein’ a ghost and all, and havin’ just blown half the roof off’n your house, I mean.”

Jeremy smiles slyly. “But we now know what he’s afraid of, don’t we?” he replies. “Antimacassars! We’ll drape antimacassars over all the shire!”

Here the chapter breaks off. She had to stop writing, Byron reports, because the jailer was coming to take her for a walk. He had only time to gather up the manuscript and, as he put it, “vamoose!” The quokkas have been watching a lot of old Westerns lately.

More False Facts! (Quokka U. Fund-Raiser) REPRINT

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Quokka in bushes, close-up Stock Photo - Alamy

(I have to get back outside and write some more of my book–but first here’s Byron the Quokka with a special announcement.)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–that’s me inspecting the groundwork for what will one day be Quokka University’s auxiliary lecture hall. But we’ll need more money to finish the job, and that’s where this special edition of Acme False Facts comes in. For a mere $250 (you see they’ve lowered the price), you can get a set of False Facts Flash Cards which will enable you to dazzle your friends with your esoteric knowledge.

To whet your appetite, here are just a few samples.

*Cave men with guns killed off the dinosaurs. You could look it up.

*The first Club Med was established in Harbin, Manchuria, in 1952. It’s still the most popular Club Med in Manchuria.

*A 1969 poll by the Sons of Bacchus softball team revealed that hardly anyone likes cauliflower stewed in maple syrup.

*The first cell phone was invented in ancient Egypt in 1298 B.C. but was suppressed by Pharaoh Ramses II when he got one too many calls from Hittites selling time shares in a Syrian cave that turned out to be haunted.

*The Common English Pencil Bug can actually be used as a pencil. It even has an eraser!

So there you have it. Shoulders back, chest out, and head held high–deliver these guaranteed false facts with all the conviction you can muster, and enjoy your new career as a sage.

Quokka U., College Sports Colossus REPRINT

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From March 8, 2020

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, interviewing a famous college sports personality who may become the first coach of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. I have to protect her identity, this is a confidential interview, but the picture’s okay because she’s in disguise. If I told you who she really was, you’d just plain faint. Still, nothing will happen till we can agree on her salary. Quokka U. doesn’t have a lot of money yet. In fact, so far, we have no money at all. But we do have a cool Latin motto, Ipso loquitur mannimota, and that has to count for something.

Oh, there’s so much to do! Who knew that setting up a college would be so much trouble? Well, we’re committed to the pick-up sticks team, we need a bunch of buildings and a stadium, we have to hire professors and somebody to clean up, and someone has suggested we might want to have a jacks team, too. Personally, I’m holding out for a Clue team. Professor Plum in the Lounge with the Candlestick!

And now, on to the next interview. Ipso loquitur, everybody!