Tag: Byron the Quokka

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 2

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend full of spectacular TV. And “gamblers junkets”–isn’t that disgusting? Stay home and watch TV instead!

7:01 P.M.  Ch. 16   BOXING IN WHICH NO ONE GETS HURT–Preposterous

No one gets hurt if there’s only one boxer in the ring! How do they avoid making it boring? The boxer is hypnotized to believe that vampires are closing in on him.  Don’t laugh: former heavyweight contender Gilbert Funzy split his pants and had to go into therapy for six years! Play-by-play: Deepak Chopra.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 22  JIMBO THE ELECTRIC EEL–(Don’t ask)

What happens when a full-grown electric eel takes up residence in a California swimming hole? Results can be shocking! Tonight: Jimbo the Eel (Claude Akens) tries to befriend Richard Simmons (himself)–but only succeeds in shocking him into a coma. Dr. Bango: A woman who sort of resembles Doris Day, but without the teeth.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 41  NEWS FOR COMPULSIVE LIARS

None of the reports is true–but that’s why people like ’em! Amaze your friends, if you can tell the difference between this and the regular nightly news! Heck, it took the networks four months to discover that this show’s “Dan Rather” was actually a dummy.  Tonight: Feel-good lies about our horrible economy. Commentary by the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Beto O’Rourke stars as “Pud Zanger” (New Zealand/Spanish, 1961: 12 minutes), the detective who is supported by donations from the city’s criminal class, who recognize him as the worst detective ever. Tonight: Pud is stumped by a case of jaywalking; meanwhile, a bloodthirsty monster (Ellen Whatsername) has devoured 250 citizens without getting caught. Song: “My Coccyx Lies Over the Ocean.”

How about that, boys ‘n’ girls? Have we got fantastic TV, or have we got fantastic TV?

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - Quokka, Animal, Herbivorous

Make sure you pick plenty of nice green leaves for tonight’s viewing.

‘It’s Not Saturday’ (2020)

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Uncle Shinbone, the last time he got lost

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with what’s left of Lee and Pat’s sanity. I think I’ve got most of it mopped up here–computer prombles, as usual.

It takes me back to a similar episode in “Getting Your Brain Fried By Technology”:

It’s Not Saturday

Anyhow, we’ve got the blinkin’ machines working properly again, and we’re only two hours behind schedule.

Think about this the next time some bedbug suggests slipping computer chips into our brains. Or into your car.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 18

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ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels | eBay

(“You will never catch a quokka wearing a rug like that!”)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s awesome TV menu served up to you steaming hot by Quokka University! Here are just a few of these gems:

6:02 P.M.  Ch. 07  THEY CALL IT ‘HAIR’–Celebrity chit-chat

Who’s got the most unconvincing rug in Hollywood? Yeesh, look at that thing Howard Cosell wore in 1988. And they’re worried about women not making it as sportscasters? Try it as a quokka sometime!

6:15 P.M.   Ch. 12  SECRETS OF MY DNA–Science reality TV

How would you like to find out you have horseshoe crab DNA in your body? Join host Polly “the Squid” Amory as she exposes guests as not quite human. Whoever has the wildest DNA wins a part in the new werewolf movie, Lookin’ North and Walkin’ South. 

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 24  NEWS WITH CHILLBLAINS–Experimental

Would TV news be more convincing if the newsies were freezing to death as they reported it? How badly must a reporter’s teeth chatter before he can be credited with inventing a new language? How deep a shade of blue can you get before they have to let you back indoors? Studio located on Solitude Island, Russia… so you know it’s cold up there! Anchor: One of those famous people who sort of disappeared.

7  P.M.   Ch. 46  AT HOME WITH THE SHRIKES–Indefensible sitcom

Reincarnated as human after several lifetimes as savage little birds of prey, Doc and Flimsey Shrike (Walter Brennan, Donna Reed) continue their predatory ways after moving to LaFong Corners, New Jersey. Tonight: Flimsey impulsively devours a Cub Scout leader, necessitating another visit to Jimbo the Lawyer (Gabby Hayes). Special featured attraction: the June Taylor Dancers dance to “Where’s My Coccyx, Sweetheart?”

Well, that’s enough to get you started! Imagine finding out you’ve got spider DNA… and not knowing what kind of spider it is.

 

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! I don’t want to miss ‘The Shrikes’!”

Byron the Quokka signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 4

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Tonight's Anglia and Channel 4… in 1988 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with your post-Halloween weekend television, brought to you by Quokka University where Pick-Up Stix is king! Here are a few samples of what’s in store for you.

7 P.M.  Ch. 14  I AM A HAMSTER–Schlockumentary

Join host Marty Prolapse, who identifies as a hamster, in his search for people who are even more screwed-up than he is. Tonight: Has Marty met his match? This woman identifies as “an alligator with a grudge.” Sponsored by some kind of liver pill.

Ch. 34  SPECIAL REPORT: REVOLT OF THE SKELETONS–News, of a sort

Kizzuwatna Township, Pennsylvania–is it the victim of an ancient Hittite curse that summons animated skeletons to attack the shopping malls? Anchor Dan Lather reports, “We are under siege by skeletons and the State Police don’t believe us!” Special guest stars: The June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

In The President’s Brain is Missing (1988: 17 minutes), President Smiley (Pee Wee Herman) raises suspicions when he orders a nuclear attack on Fowlerville, Michigan. It turns out his brain is missing! Can Special Agent Imble Zanagazza (John Smith) find it before his own coccyx gives out? Song: “I Am Too Debbie Reyolds.”

8:12 P.M.  Ch. 63  MY LITTLE SMOOGIE–Sitcom 

The most totally weird kid in the whole student body, Smoogie Gefilte (AI-created robot), is named principal of Meterbeater High–and the ousted principal (David Niven look-alike) wants revenge! Meanwhile, Smoogie is in the cafeteria, eating straws. This show was canceled when it was only halfway through production, so you know it must be special.

Well, how about those shows, me hearties? Me, I love those 17-minute movies. I’ll bet they could make ’em even shorter, if they tried.

3,078 Quokka Images, Stock Photos, 3D objects, & Vectors | Shutterstock

Be sure to grab a lot of yummy green leaves to sweeten your TV time!

‘We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!’ (2020)

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Quokka - Album on Imgur

Quokka University made some notable progress in 2020–most notably of all, the hiring of international cleftonics icon Dr. Helmut Shimble as a professor of something or other.

We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!

Of course, it ain’t cheap hiring these superstars, they don’t work for nothing. We done found some of the money by taking it out of the English grammar budget. Like, we don’t need no grammar!

There’s also the very real prospect that no one who signs up for his course will ever learn anything–but that’s not the point, is it? This is Higher Education!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 28

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TV Guide Magazine: The Cover Archive 1953 - today! | 1988 | March 12, 1988

{I couldn’t resist this TV Guide cover. This was the question that drove the Sphinx to jump off the cliff.)

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with your TV menu for the weekend. Best shows that were ever on the air! Like these–

7 P.M.   Ch. 33  BLANDED!–Dyslexic Western

Kevin Gupta stars as Jason Mason, drummed out of the U.S. Cavalry for mixing up his R’s and L’s. You can’t say “It was a gland palade” and get away with it. This week: “Plobrems with the Erection.” Genelar Glant: Petel Fark.

Ch. 61  61 MINUTES: THIS IS NEWS–No, it’s not

Co-anchors Popeye Schmidt and Fanny Vavoom lead a news team whose every member has had to be rescued from getting lost in small suburban parks. Sports anchor Wes Shambler got lost in his own living room! Tonight: Interview with presidential hopeful Ozzie Schlubb.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   HOLD YOUR BREATH–Game show

How long can these contestants stay under water? Host Doc Swivvle asks the questions that must be answered correctly before you’re allowed a breath of air. (“What is the sound of one hand clapping?” gets ’em every time.) Special guest: This really cool guy we met somewhere.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  THE DANCING DETECTIVES–Musical crime drama

The June Taylor Dancers star as the Detective Division of the Pinchy Corners, NJ, Police Dept.–and dance their way to the solution of the crime! This week: The old Batman villains scheme to throw the Dancers out of rhythm and trick them into dancing into a particularly nasty mud puddle. See if you can guess which villain is being played by Mary Stupid!

There–if that doesn’t rake in the viewers, I don’t know what will.

Playful Quokka Jumping

Here’s me trying out for the June Taylor Dancers!

P.S., to Those Who Have Advised Me to Relax: That’s just what I’m gonna do right now, for the rest of the day.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 21

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Tonight's US television… in 1972 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day–and only ten of ’em left till Halloween! Byron the Quokka here, with a weekend’s worth of dazzling TV guaranteed to make you grow another three inches. Here are a few samples.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 09  MUCH ALIEN GROWTH ON YOUR BODY PARTS–Health and wellness

Chinese government TV produced this series in the 1960s, for reasons that have been lost in the archives. It was canceled when the host, Ren-ren Chiang, hired as a Chairman Mao look-alike, complained on the air about unsightly warts around his navel. He, too, has been lost in the archives.

Ch. 51  CLEON THE PEON–Situation tragedy

How does a former tyrant and money man adjust to being a slave in a houseful of zombies? Marco Schnitzel co-stars with The Near-sighted Mr. Magoo (voice of Jim Backus) in Croatia’s first TV show that combines live action with cartoons. Only six episodes were made before copyright infringement laws kicked in.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 16  WORD SALAD NEWS–Defies description

News is much more digestible when you have no idea what they’re talking about! Giggling Gloria Gotz anchors a team of inarticulate cackling “reporters” who can’t make themselves understood. Tonight: Babbling Bertha Bnix interviews Vice President Whatsername.

7 P.M.   Ch. 25  DR. FANABLA–Miracle cures

“I fell down the steps and now my coccyx is pointing the wrong way! It looks like a tail! Everyone makes fun of me!” This is the problem facing Dr. Fanabla tonight: Can his Alpine yodeling correct the condition? Featured: the Borax 20-Mule Team Band, conducted by a pair of armadillos.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Musical with sinister overtones

What happens if you put Mecha-Godzilla up against the June Taylor Dancers? Tune in to Robot Monster vs. Tokyo (Japanese-Hittite, 1971: 2,419 minutes) and find out! See if you can catch Alfred Hitchcock’s cameo as one of the Dancers. A life-altering achievement! Roy Rogers: Himself.

Well, I can’t say that’ll get you all the way to Halloween, but it should at least get you to next weekend.

Cruzy Suzy - Sweet as pumpkin pie 🍂🍁🎃 #quokka #quokkas ...

Who says we can’t get pumpkins on Rottnest Island?

 

 

The Next Comment Contest

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Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - Quokka, Animal, Herbivorous

Don’t get so carried away with eating tasty leaves that you forget to enter the comment contest.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with exciting news about our next comment contest. So first examine this picture.

Egypt: Hidden corridor in Great Pyramid of Giza seen for ...

That’s the Great Pyramid, of course–one of the Seven Wonders of the World. See that white stuff on the tip? Yes, we’re working on making that the prize for the next comment contest, for reasons which will soon become obvious. If we play our cards right, the contest winner will be awarded with a luxury apartment way up there!

Currently we’re just short of 99,000 comments; and when we finally hit 100,000, well, that’s a big deal! And whoever posts No. 100,000 deserves a fabulous prize. A luxury apartment atop the Great Pyramid! Your friends will go absolutely mad with envy.

So far today we have no comments, so the field is wide open. You may be the lucky winner!

Let’s see if we can wrap this up by Thanksgiving, when our annual Christmas Carol Contest kicks in.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 14

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 5: 1982! | Branded in the 80s

G’day out there! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV that’ll make you think you died and went… [pause] … well, never mind! Just enjoy it. Here are a few samples.

4:06 P.M.  Ch. 08  EMERGENCY BROADCAST–Missing celebrities

The June Taylor Dancers have gone missing! What, all of them? That’s right, the hole kit ‘n’ kaboodle. Join host Bao Dai (remember him? Gold star if you do!) as he fields hot tips phoned in by the seven audience members. Theme song: “Hold My Coccyx”

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  NUDE BASKETBALL–(Don’t worry, all the naughty stuff is blurred out)

The Addis Ababba Redshirts–they don’t wear any shirts, of course–take on the Union City Mandrills at Pong Arena, Greenland. Losers have to go outside! Play-by-play: That woman from Wal-Mart. Color: Senor Wences.

Ch. 51   JIMMY FRAUD’S VARIETY HOUR

This week’s outing has it all! William the Trained Lobster! A very angry Cyclops! A mailman who can sing 1960s protest songs backward! And of course Jimmy himself, trying to escape. Brought to you by Snuffy’s Crunchy Critters (don’t ask).

5 P.M.  Ch. 88   THE MAN CALLED XYXSTER–Western, probably

E.M. Forster stars as Nick Xyxster, who wanders the Old West looking for the man who gave him a hot foot 20 years ago. Tonight: Death  (Mickey Rooney) challenges Nick to a game of chess. At stake: the legendary Lost Gold Mine of Odd Ogg (himself).

That should hold you for the weekend! Here on Rottnest Island, we’re all wondering where the June Taylor Dancers will turn up next.

Mother And Baby Quokka Eating Green Twigs Cute Quokkas On Rottnest Island Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now

Aunt Feezy and Cousin Lindy chow down before watching their favorite shows.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 7

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 12th through 18th, 1977

Crikey, Halloween is comin’ atcha fast! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s wealth of television entertainment which may or may not get you pumped for Halloween. Here’s a sample:

6:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  HAMSTER NEWS–Just what it sounds like

This is the replacement for “Guinea Pig News.” It features hamsters running around squeaking. And it’s creeping up on the mainstream news shows in the ratings. Archie the Anchor doesn’t speak a word of any human language… but who cares?

7 P.M.  Ch.14  A CLASSFUL OF IDIOTS–Grim and terrible sitcom

High school English teacher Floyd Grendel (William Conrad) has more than he can handle with this roomful of happy-go-lucky violent psychopaths. Tonight: Too late to stop the human sacrifice in study hall, Floyd agrees to a blind date… but is she human? Annie: Debi Gesundheit.

Ch. 61  YOU BET YOUR VITAL ORGANS–Game show

Join host Jimmy “Bug Boy” Fraud for a game that’s literally life and death! Contestants who desperately need organ transplants take on a panel of Shaolin monks in a studio stickball game (really, we don’t know what we’re saying half the time).

7:39 P.M.  Movie–Lots of jidrools in dinosaur suits

Jackie Chan stars as a washed-up Shakespearean actor who sics Barney the Dinosaur on his critics (“If you think I was bad in King Lear, wait’ll you see this!”) The is the only film put out by Beezer Productions, filmed on location in Bumpus City, Croatia. 887 minutes. The Oaktag Kid: Liu Chia Hui  My Little Margie: Sarah Heartburn. 18th Parachute Regiment: The June Taylor Dancers.

That should be enough to get you started! Trivial Fun Fact: Some of the June Taylor Dancers actually cried when they were pushed out of the plane. Makes you think, eh?

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island ...

Waiting for the show to start, I’ll check out this bicycle. Maybe we can make it a comment contest prize. Byron the Quokka, signing off.