Byron’s TV Listings, July 31

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here on behalf–where did that word come from?–of Quokka University, where we find the world’s best forgotten TV shows for your weekend viewing orgies.

I’m sorry, there seems to be something wrong with my choice of words today. Here are a few samples from this weekend’s menu.

2 P.M.   Ch. 00   ANDY PHNUGLUIH–Variety

The public has always wondered why Andy Phnugluih, with all his talent, never became a major star. A few episodes of this show might suggest an explanation. This week’s guests: Col. Wxha Bochgeshvili, Susan Mfoyay.

Ch. 07   SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN–Western

Travel the Wild West with the only magician in Oklahoma Territory who can make his enemies think they’re axolotls! This episode: When the Tumorville Bank is robbed by real axolotls, Sheriff Witless (Andrew Cuomo) turns to Schmendrick (Andy Devine)… as the fall guy! Ma Bell: Sophia Loren

2:16 P.M.  Ch. 12   PEOPLE NAMED AFTER CARTOON CHARACTERS–Morbid Nonsense

Join host Chiang Kai-shek as he journeys all over Cartoon County, Kansas, to interview unfortunate  persons actually named Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Sylvester Pussycat, Elmer Fudd, etc. This week’s question: What happens when a cop writes you a speeding ticket and asks your name? Featuring Artie the Hamster and his orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   HAWAIIAN EYEBALL–Mystery

Detective Oswin Prong (Andre the Giant) solves crimes by peering through keyholes! This week: When crime boss Wan Hung Lo (Danny Kaye) threatens to “hang a lulu on Honolulu,” Police Chief Jack Benny (Jack Benny) resigns and Prong has to take his place. This brings on a spell of horrendous weeping. Spectacularly special guest star: Wanda Hershberger.

Ch. 34   PUPPET HOME REPAIRS–Educational

In this new PBS series, the Bil Botch Marionettes demonstrate assorted home repairs: how to clean up bloodstains, how to avoid hanging a door upside-down, the ins and outs of outdoor plumbing, what to do when you’ve been electrocuted… The puppet crew features Footra the Ballarina, Binx the Irascible Centipede, and Bungo the Klutz. Special guests: the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, there you have it! Stock up on tasty leaves and settle in for entertainment like you never believed was possible.

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Special! Guest Quokka Leaf Video!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here with a special treat sent to us by Phoebe–top-secret video of a bunch of us quokkas snacking on leaves. We call them “ponga leaves” so that humans won’t come along and take ’em all.

We can never understand why humans don’t like leaves. You don’t know what you’re missing! And they’re good for you, too. A woman named Smith ate leaves and lived to be 120 years old. You could look it up!

We hope you appreciate this wee glimpse through a keyhole into the lovely motel room of quokka cuisine. I am working hard on my metaphors!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 24

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1966

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of spectacular television brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where these programs came from! It’s a state secret.

Here are a few examples. Happy viewing!

8 P.M.  Ch. 04  CELEBRITY PHILOSOPHY–Drivel

Join host Mickey Rivers as he grills celebrity guests on the great questions of life! If I’m not me, then why do I look like me? Do bookcases know they’re bookcases? Is free will compatible with high fashion? Panel: Phil Silvers, Paul Lynde, Charo, Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and his orchestra.

Ch. 08   HILLBILLY SKIN DIVERS–Drama/Geography

Grampa Hooty (Emmanuel Kant) continues his search for the Lost Appalachian Ocean, only to learn that those pesky Hatfields and McCoys have stolen his aqualung. Possum Hatfield: Jacques Cousteau. Grannie Bogoljubov: Vanna White. With stock footage from Col. John D. Craig.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 22   YAN CAN’T COOK–Exotic Cookery

Chef LeRoy “Frenchy” Yan tries his hand at Lake Victoria gnat pie, but all the gnats escape into his kitchen. The mossbunker cakes don’t turn out so well, either. Special Guest: the woman from the local board of health.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   CRIMINAL COPS–Police Drama

Lake Apocalypse Police Chief Bruce Loose (John Candy) encourages his officers to rob the 7-11 before the local criminals can get around to it. “Eventually they’ll go straight because everyplace has already been robbed,” the reasoning goes. Deputy LaFong: John Cassavetes. Joey the Clam: Richard Burton.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Science Fiction/Melodrama

In “I Cover the Beehives” (1958), rogue entomologist Jane Payne (Greta Garbo) tries to romance reclusive philanthropist Zane Grayne (Ray Milland) by cross-breeding killer bees with grizzly bears–with predictable results! Song: “I’ve Got Zits”

And there you have it, boys and girls! We have discovered that no less a personage than Frankie Poppadoppoulos tunes in here every weekend. Who would’ve thought it?

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Win a Classic Tank!

Soviet tank t-34-85 of the world war ii. Soviet medium tank t-34-85 of the  world war ii. biggest war campaign of 20th century | CanStock

G’day! Byron the Quokka here with big, big, mega-big news!

Now you can win a genuine Soviet tank from World War II, the famous T-35/85. Well-armored, fast, durable, its 85-mm gun packs a real wallop! The turret swings a full 360 degrees–so the next joker who tailgates you and honks his horn is gonna get a real big surprise.

“Gee, Byron, what do I have to do to win the tank?”

Shhh! Actually, we’re not supposed to have this tank. There’s a quokka named Fooch who collects classic tanks and hides ’em in the bushes. And he’s got a T-34 to spare–perfect for attracting more contestants.

Right–well, I admit we still need to come up with a new contest in the first place. If somebody’s gonna wind up proudly driving his T-34 around the block, he’ll have to win a contest first.

Let me take some time to think!

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If this picture was a little bigger, you could just make out one of Fooch’s tanks parked amid the bushes.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 17

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

It’s much too hot to go outside and play Squamish today! G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples guaranteed to whet your appetite!

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   NUDE FLY FISHING–Sports

Join our Nobel Prize-winning hostess, Rigoberta Menchu, for celebrity nude fly fishing! Guests: Honus Wagner, Debbie Reynolds, Chet Huntley. With the June Taylor Dancers. This week’s surprise–an alligator where they least expect it.

Ch. 11  TRASH TALK–Educational/Boring

Host Harry “Mr. Boredom” Grubstake and guest Charo discuss how archaeologists three thousand years from now might mistake our landfills for random heaps of junk. With Bertrand Russell and his kazoo orchestra.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 02   MR. GOGGLE–Children’s Show

[Note from Byron: You wouldn’t believe what we went through to get this one!]

Mr. Goggle is the monster whose bloodshot right eye is three times the size of his squinty left eye; and when he peers into bedroom windows, children wake up screaming. Banned from 50 different networks when it debuted in 1957! Condemned by act of Congress! Watch at your own risk.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 44   UNSUNG OPERAS–Educational/Musical

Just because they never made it to any opera house doesn’t mean that these were shoddy operas! This week, from Mongo High School in New Jersey: Il Provalone, by Chuck Worst–sung by the cast of Gilligan’s Island, conducted by the high school janitor because the real conductor never showed up. Don’t miss Bob Denver’s aria, Vado al Teatro, Fettuccine!

8 P.M.  Ch. 16   MR. DOOFUS–Sitcom/Tragedy

When every single one of his students fails the math section of the SATs, Mr. Doofus (Brian Blessed) gets a trophy from his teachers’ union. Meanwhile Ms. Scatterby (Heather Locklear) takes a course on “How to Infuriate People.” Mr. Screwtape: Andy Griffith. A Giant Squid: a giant squid.

Well! That should get you cranking! This is Byron, signing off.

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What Do We Have to Do to Grab You?

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island Stock Photo -  Alamy

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, sizing up a bicycle. This one would need some modifications before I could use it, but for a human it’d be just right!

I am trying to pump up the view numbers for this blog; but you know Lee, he’s too cheap to give out bicycles.

Well, I’m convinced we have to offer much fancier prizes in all our contests. Like this, for instance:

Pharoah's Chariots

Yes! A genuine ancient Egyptian war chariot, built out of genuine spare parts, ideal for making your neighbors physically sick with envy! Or for starting a war.

Don’t mind the illustration, I already know it’s hokey. Crikey–how are you supposed to drive the chariot and shoot arrows at the same time? Even on Rottnest Island we know an ancient Egyptian war chariot had two blokes in it, one to fight and one to drive.

The chariot we want to offer as a comment contest prize has room enough for two quokkas. And did I mention it comes with the horses? That’s right, we provide the horses, too. None of this “horses not included” scam!

I don’t know where so many readers have scurried off to, these last few days, but I do know this: You can’t outrun a chariot!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 10

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

G’day, culture fans! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s windfall of wild, wacky, wonderful TV! (I expected that alliteration to work better. Oh, well…)

So break out the eucalyptus leaves and settle in for some great TV viewing. Here are just a few samples.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 03   THE PRICE IS WRONG!–Game Show

Contestants have to estimate the prices of various items which it would be shameful or even unbearable to own–and whoever’s guess is farthest from the actual price… has to buy it! This week’s celebrity contestants: Chiang Kai-Shek, Pee Wee Herman, Peggy Cass, and Archie from the comic strip. With Chuck Schumer and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02   THE HOWARD, HOWARD, & FINE REPORT–News/Discussion

You know them best as the Three Stooges, but they also analyze the news! Join Moe, Larry, and Curly as they apply their special insights to the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Kennedy-Nixon debates, the sad state of the Euro vis-a-vis assorted East Asian currencies, and the survival of the Occitan dialect. Complete with pies and seltzer bottles!

Ch. 16   FEAR NO MAN–Marital Arts

[Hey! Can we please fix that typo?] Martial Arts [Thank you! Sheesh, people are going to wonder about us!]

Sensei Bernie Foolscap demonstrates sure-fire ways to disable an attacker three or four times your size. Also, “How to grin down a grizzly gear” by Master Jim “Stumpy” Watkins. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 42  MOVIE–Tragedy/Science Fiction

“Them There Big Bugs” (1959) features Chuck Connors as a Trappist monk trying to warn of impending catastrophe without breaking his vows of silence–and now he wishes he’d never taken that vow never to write anything, either. As the big bugs get closer and closer to the unsuspecting town, what will he decide? Abbott Bud: Dean Jagger. Sister Blabbermouth: Gracie Allen. Newspaper Editor: a rather large barrel cactus.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 21   WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?–Medical

[Never mind, we’re not going to run this–much too controversial!]

Ch. 21  MOVIE–Musical/Nature Documentary

In “Hee-Haw Yo’ Momma” (2018), the cast of a 1967 Hee Haw broadcast is scientifically transported to the future–just in time to help test a new scientific submarine that dives too deep for Artificial Intelligence to bear. Junior: Junior Samples. Buck: A man who looks like Buck Owens. Dr. Facehead: Hao Kum Mee.

Well, that should get you started! It’s supposed to rain a lot this weekend, so good thing we’ve got all this TV lined up, eh? I mean, otherwise we’d have to talk or play games or something.

Anyone for Clue?

 

Coming Up… Hymn Contest

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Lee says if we get ten more yes votes, we’ll hold the hymn contest. There are quokkas standing by to help!

It’ll be along the same lines as our annual Christmas carol contest. Whoever requests the hymn that gets the most views on the day it was requested will win the contest.

I am trying to arrange for the prize to be a bicycle. Maybe we can sneak it past him this time.

Let us hear from you! Vote for the hymn contest. Even better–participate in it. Can’t possibly go wrong by posting hymns!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 3

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G’day–and happy Fourth of July to all you Americans! And just in case it rains, us fun-makers here at Quokka University are all set to provide you with inutterably fantastic television! I’m Byron the Quokka, and you have my word on it!

Let’s take a quick peek at some of the offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 14  GOOD COP, BAD COP–Police Drama

Tuberville, Alabama, can only afford a one-man police department, but Sheriff Pat Gesundheit is up to the job! He’s the only sheriff in America who’s able to do that “good cop/bad cop” routine all by himself–and does it ever scare the suspects! This week Gesundheit grills a suspected mummy-stealer (Gavin Newsom) who may have looted the town’s Museum of Horrible Curiosities. Curator: Linda Hunt. Security Guard: Haystacks Calhoun.

Ch. 15  CELEBRITY TANNING–Game Show

What–did you think this was about sun-tans? Perish the thought! Join host Vlad the Impaler as he compels celebrity guests to try to tan fresh nauga-hides. Contestants: Buddy Hackett, Elizabeth Warren, Cleopatra, Wayne Dyer. With Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:11 P.M.  Ch. 26  WORLD NEWS WITH HAMSTERS–News

Instead of watching some stupid anchorman or info-babe, you can watch hamsters on their wheelies as Misterrogers reads you the news very soothingly no matter how bad it is. But if it doesn’t worry the hamsters, why should it worry you?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   SOUTH BELUGASTAN STICK PAINTING–Educational

Master Fhtugn Czynnaa demonstrates the delicate art of using sticks and twigs picked up from the ground to create delicate paintings of shameful scenes involving the South Belugastan Stock Exchange. Guest celebrity: Fum Chee Fum, a giant.

Ch. 31  CITY OF GIANT BUGS–Sitcom/Tragedy

The Fop family (Joe Besser, Rosemary DeCamp, Hunter Biden) move into their new house only to discover that their whole neighborhood has been overrun by various insects as big as Volkswagens. It’s very hard to mow the grass with a giant mantis stalking you! Neighbors: Dame Judith Anderson, Sir Derek Jacobi. Good Humor Man: Sir Michael Redgrave.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that ought to hold you for another weekend! Just remember, though–if anybody starts asking awkward questions, you haven’t seen me and you don’t know what they’re talking about!

Win a Ziggurat!

The Great Ziggurat of Ur | Ancient Origins

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. You know I’m always telling Lee, “You’ve got to learn to think big!” And of course he doesn’t listen.

So we’re going ahead without him, and offering a prize that no one else would dare to offer–your own personal ziggurat! Yeah, just like the ones they had in ancient Mesopotamia. And talk about big! You’ll need plenty of room for this baby.

This fantastic prize will go to whoever posts the first comment after the 500th view of this day; and we’ve got about, oh, 450 to go, so giddee-up!

You can’t even imagine how jealous your neighbors will be as your ziggurat takes shape and begins to loom over them like a mountain of doom!

Note: Some assembly required.