Do You Pump Up Your Dog?

You could do this with our cat, Buster–goad him into zooming up and down the stairs, etc.

Well, here’s a dog who can be pumped up. Once he gets going, he really goes. You just have to know what buttons to push.

Sick of Hanging Planters?

10 Best Hanging Planters for 2018 - Unique Hanging Baskets & Planters

I’m so sick of hanging planters, I could plotz! And here I am, using up valuable time that ought to be devoted to reporting the nooze, bellyaching about hanging planters. (See “Byron’s TV Listings,” today, for more about hanging planters that bore you to tears.)

Look at those planters in the photo! How can you help but be reminded of the way the ancient Celts made trophies of their enemies’ heads? It’ll ruin your supper.

Was it Ralph Kiner who said “I don’t want to talk about hanging planters”? But Solon said it first! He made a law against hanging planters, but as soon as his back was turned, the Athenians went hog-wild with the freakin’ things.

The Indus Valley people had really dull hanging planters–and where are they now?

H.P. Lovecraft was briefly driven mad by his mother’s hanging planters.

I’m too upset to cover any more nooze today. Blame it on those hanging planters.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 13

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day, g’day! Time for weekend TV from Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and oh! oh! oh, the shows we have lined up for you! Someday you’ll thank us (we take checks). Here’s a sample of our menu:

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  BACKWARDS NEWS–News game

Can you untangle the news–when you’ve only heard it backwards, and in a foreign language? Join hostess Bimbi Hoople as celebrity guests Chuck Connors and Erica Jong try to decipher this gibberish–and the studio audience can’t go home until they do it! Watch those tempers burn like fuses!

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  THE McGUFFIN GROUP–Current events

Some of the most ignorant people in Los Angeles, lured into the studio by promises of–well, we don’t want to get into that–debate key social and political issues which they never heard of until just now. “Best in Show” gets an anchor’s job at CNN! Host: Jimmy Fraud. Color Commentary: An old wind-up bank that wheezes “Heh-heh-hee, a penny saved is a penny earned!”

Ch. 15  SHOOT IF YOU MUST–Wartime drama/Science fiction

Sgt. Twinkle (Cat Stevens) and his Howling Commandos are secretly transported to the planet Winky to battle an out-of-control bartender (Red Buttons). Pvt. Sunshine: Jesse Ventura. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Featured song, “Thom McCann Has Enviable Shoes For Your Feet.”

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 33  HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER–Fishing

Never mind about baiting the hooks! Can Sunfish “Ed” Fong get all the June Taylor Dancers into his rowboat? And once he does, will they keep dancing? Meanwhile we’re supposed to be learning how to fish for compliments…

9 P.M.  Ch. 57  MOVIE–Greek mythology/Crime drama

Inspired by the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Hercules Goes to New York, “Dog My Cats” (Chilean, 1994; 6 hours) pits hard-boiled private eye Sammy Egg (Cesar Geronimo) against a syndicate of ancient Greek gods intent on taking over Hamble City, Iowa. Zeus: William Shatner. Hera: Phyllis Diller. Colony of Fire Ants: Themselves.

Well, you can’t beat that, can you! I saw that movie with the ants, once: they were the only ones who knew their lines.

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

(How did I ever get into this?) Byron the Quokka, signing off!


Warren: ‘If I Had a P****, I’d Be President’

For “hammer,” read “p****.”

Who let the nuts out?

Elizabeth Warren, who parleyed a fraudulent claim of Native American ancestry into a lucrative academic career, a seat in the U.S. Senate, face time galore, and even a run for president–well, let’s let her say it in her own words.

“Everyone [Everyone?] comes up to me and says, ‘I’d vote for you if you had a penis'” ( She has been so quoted in a forthcoming book.

Yup. Those Democrat voters refuse to vote for her because she hasn’t got a penis. Damn! She coulda gone all the way to the top… as a fake Indian.

How rife is mental illness in our ruling elites? You can’t even call this “lying,” because a liar generally has some expectation of being believed. What do you want to bet that not one person, not a single one, has ever said that to Elizabeth Warren?

Dems are scrambling around, looking for a 2024 replacement for SloJo (and Kamala won’t do, she’s brainless), trying to find a candidate who’s got 52 cards in xer deck, even if they’re all jokers.

Will this be Pocahontas Warren’s moment? Heck, one of those nuts out there is bound to land on the ballot.


Idiot ‘Journalist’ Goes Overboard for Biden

Visiting the Pantheon in Rome: Highlights, Tips & Tours ...

Can you really sleaze and lie and cheat your way into the Pantheon?

CNN is under new management, but CNN’s noozies are still serving up the same old crapola.

To celebrate the Democrats’ latest plan for America to spend her way out of inflation and debt (getting out of debt by incurring more debt), one of the brain trust at CNN placed SloJo Biden–who shakes hands with people who aren’t there–“in the pantheon of great presidents” (

Boy howdy! The pantheon?

The name means “all the gods.” The Pantheon was a temple in ancient Rome built to all the gods. It’s still in use, as a church, some 2,000 years after its construction.

So, this Ryan Lizza character (never heard of him) thinks Biden belongs in a pantheon. Him and them other gods. “Attention! Your president… has become a god! But don’t worry. He remains the same likeable old grifter that he’s always been, with not a single honest bone in his body.”

And then the noozies wonder in astonishment why people think they’re a lot of lying gasbags with no more sense than God gave an ashtray.

‘This Mummy… It’s Alive! (Hysterical Screaming)’ (2016) The Mummy Boris Karloff 1932 Photo Print (8 x 10): Posters &  Prints

You can ask any question of the Internet; and some of those questions make you wonder about their source.

For instance, this one: “How do mummies come back to life?”

This Mummy… It’s Alive! (Hysterical Screaming)

We have the costliest, most intrusive, and technology-heavy “education” system in world history–and this is what we get? People who ask how mummies come back to life?

One of the things the ancient Egyptians used to do, in preparing a mummy, was to insert a hooked probe up the nose and pull out the brain. Public education accomplishes this without a hook.

By Request, ‘Glorious Day (Living He Loved Me)’

We have a hymn request from Susan to start the day–Glorious Day, also titled Living He Loved Me, performed by Casting Crowns.

If you have a hymn you’d like to share on this blog, just let us know by leaving a comment anywhere on this site and we’ll do the rest.

A Tremendously Improbable Experience

1,033 Lost Credit Card Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Today I’ve had the most unlikely experience of my whole life.

This morning at the supermarket, I found someone’s lost credit card at the bottom of my shopping cart. I turned it in to the desk.

Just now, when I went downtown to pick up our Chinese food… I found another lost credit card lying on the sidewalk. Is that weird or what? Two lost cards in two different locations, miles apart–found by the same person? On the same day? No one in any of the nearby stores recognized the name on the card, so I thought I’d better take it home.

I once found a full-to-bulging money clip, but it proved pretty easy to find the owner and return it to him.

But two lost cards in one day? Really? Wish I knew what it meant!

Should I go back out and try for three?

Jumpin’ Cats!

Our cat Buster used to celebrate his accomplishments in the litter box by jumping as high as he could and bouncing himself off the wall. But why are the cats in this video doing it?

Joie de vivre, would be my guess. Unless they’re French cats. Then they don’t get credit for saying “joie de vivre.”

Freee Speach It Is Racist Speach Exept Wen We Do It!!!!!

Face Young Man Without Mouth Censorship Stock Photo 671586052 | Shutterstock

The Tyme it has cumb!!! to shut “down” freee speach!!! becose It “is” Racist!! wen peeple do “it” who Arint us!!!!!!

Us hear at “the” Stoodint Soviet we has Sended “a” litter to Jobydin telling himb We supoart himb rading evry boddy’s hoam who Is Not Behined The Pogramb!!!!! and we “are” Glad! he storted Whith Donold Trumpts haouse!!!!

Ferthurmoar,, the tyme it has cumb to preform a Mowth-Ektamy on evry boddy that Says rong Things that “arint” Woak enuoupght!! Freee Speach it Must “be” rezwerved for peple that say Rihght Things!!!! We has tryed lotsa Diffrint “whays” to sylints themb butt thay jist woont Shut Up!!

So “the” ownly allternatiff it is to Cut Thare Raicist Mowths Off!!! Lets sea waht thayv Got “to” Say wen thay hasnt Got “no” Mowths no moar!!!!!

Fynelee the guvvermin It “is” taiking Actoin!!!! Iff thay Do it rhihght,, then thare woont be no Racists voating “in the” Neckst Elecxion!!!! becose thay whil Awl Be In Jale!!!!!! and thay woont Be abul to heer no Repubican speaches becuase A) themb racists woont be aloud To Run foar Orffis and B)  thay Cant give speaches whith “thare” Mowths cut off!!!!!!!

Fynely the Fuddnamintal Trans-Foar-mayshin “Of” Amairicka!!!!!!!!!!