There’s No You in ‘You’ REPRINT

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From December 5, 2019

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. To leftists, nothing matters about anyone except for what’s on the outside.

They may not even realize there can be anything on the inside. It may be that such things as character, ability, or personality are so irrelevant to liberals that they might not believe such things exist. For them there’s only your skin color, your “gender,” and whatever else is on the outside.

And above and beyond that, an insatiable lust for power over other people.

To teachers’ unions, human children are empty bags that can be filled with whatever they want to put in there. Everybody’s empty, so why not fill them? Stuff in as much progressive twaddle as you can. It’ll prime them for college.

This is all so weird, so hard to unpack. “Progressive” thought, if we may even call it “thought,” is a labyrinth from which no one can emerge with an intact mind. A lot of folks will never emerge at all. The questions it raises are unanswerable. Why, for instance, are “minorities”–supposedly wise and virtuous, just by being who they are–always shown as totally helpless and incompetent without self-hating white liberals to lead them? Figure that one out and win a Day-Glo orange traffic cone.

We are made in God’s image. It is Satan’s plan to mar that image and ultimately destroy it altogether. In destroying us, he unmakes God’s creation. This scheme he pitches to nincompoops, as he has always pitched it, as a path to becoming gods themselves. A path to citizenship in Hell.

We have spent several decades listening to these people and allowing them to kill our culture.

Now would be a very good time to stop.

A Truly Bizarre Nooze Story REPRINT

From April 20, 2022

This is one of the weirdest damned nooze stories I ever heard, and that’s why I’m giving Tucker Carlson 13 minutes to explain it to you.

Hey! What would parents think if they could actually see and hear some of the nutballs who are “teaching” their children in the public schools? Well, some unidentified woman collected video that the teachers themselves posted publicly on TikTok and elsewhere: she then posted the collection, dubbed “Libs of TikTok”–and the Far Left Crazy went ballistic.

This is “a campaign to intimidate” wacko leftid teachers–how dare she? Never mind that this was material that the “teachers” themselves posted (it comes across as bragging–“Look what we can get away with!”) because they wanted their friends and cohorts to see it.

There ensued a witch hunt for the creator of “Libs of TikTok.” (Have we mentioned that TikTok is an agency of the Chinese Communist Party?) The Washington Post, which was once, long ago, a newspaper, led the hunt. Finally some “hate speech tracker” discovered the woman’s identity so they could loose the dogs on her and her family.

Finding her was a major operation, funded by the “Prototype Fund.” Gee, who are they? Well, it’s an agency set up by… you won’t believe it… German intelligence! They funded an organized campaign to crush an American citizen in America. Were they supposed to be our allies or something?

The Washington Post then had some gonk named Taylor Lorenz mobilize leftids against the now-identified woman; but this produced an unexpected backlash against poor l’il Taylor. See her break down into tears over people doing to her exactly what she first did to others! You just gotta love it.

So it’s not bad enough we have the toweringly corrupt Biden administration trying to make our minds right. Now we’ve got foreign intelligence agencies joining in.

Well, it’s too bad! The cat’s out of the bag, the horse is stolen from the barn–millions of Americans now know, based on what you yourselves have said, where a lot of you “teachers” are coming from and where you want to take our children. You groomers can run, but now you can’t hide.

The woman who unmasked them deserves a medal and a statue.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 16 REPRINT

December 15-21, 1962 TV Guide

From August 16, 2025

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of enlightenment brought to you by Quokka University… the college too obscure to die.

Here are three samples for you.

Saturday

11:18 a.m.  Ch. 06   TV for simpletons–GRADY PISHPOCK–(“Talk the hind leg off a donkey”)

Join host GradyPishpock in conversations guaranteed to embarrass! This week: Grady takes on Congresswoman Jan Jiffy in a debate about what’s that on the floor of the studio, just by the door. Watch Grady tie her into knots!

Sunday

9:54 a.m.  Ch. 71  Drama (sort of)–When is a swarm of insect pests not a swarm of insect pests? When it’s  PEST PEEVES WITH LYDDIE COCANOWER. This week: Lyddie “fixes those pesky caterpillars” by feeding them to grouchy neighbors. Special guest: Sgt. Bud Perkins, local police (“Actually, Ms. Coconut, these aren’t half-bad! I believe I’ll have another handful.”

7:14 p.m.  Ch. 22  Stark melodrama–LAPSY, THE BAD-TEMPERED MONITOR LIZARD

This show gives Lassie a run for the money. He is fully capable of swallowing a collie dog. This week: Tommy (Nicky Hsiang) and Dippy (Debi Moostoosian) think they’ve lost Lapsy–until the whole staff at Boro Hall runs out in a panic onto the street, screaming maniacally. And they can’t wake Officer Plugg (a department store dummy).

Say hey, can you go for these? I’m a Grady Pishpock fan, myself; but I’m undergoing treatment for it.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

(Me and my agent, Olaf Spiggit)

Savior Like a Shepherd Lead Us

In My Infinite Wisdom

As I have been saying for a while now, I feel keenly the lack of exercise.

The other day I was reading about how grip strength is a marker of health, so I took Lee’s exercise squeeze ball, which they gave him in the hospital, and proceeded to use it for a while.

Well, I evidently squeezed for too long and for far too hard.

Bottom line–I gave myself  a nice case of tendonitis in my right hand.  The right hand, of course–the good old dominant hand.

Now (and probably for the next 2 weeks or so) I have to pick up my coffee cup with both hands, cannot grip a pen normally, have pain  getting my arm into my coat and have rendered myself quite useless.  Nice going, Pat.  What’s your next trick? Falling down the stairs, maybe?

Last night, when I made chili for supper, I had a great time opening the can of tomatoes and the can of beans.  It was really excruciatingly painful to turn that can opener.

So the next time I attempt some form of self improvement, I have to remember – moderation is the key.  Life is always teaching us lessons–sometimes quite painfully.

Pray for our troops.

God bless everybody.

Patty

 

 

 

Doun Whith captallist Vilince!!! REPRINT

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From April27, 2018

I amb has a hardd “time” Writing this becose “that” stopid cat Robby she is lee the Fashists cat she keeps “on” bumpping my Hand!! i know he put her up “to” It! but i wil rite this annyhow!!

I jist heered abote this Grate lexture by a Prefesser she sayed we “has got” to Under Stand Rachel Captillism and the Open Seecrit of Rachel Captillist Vilince!! Wel we Are Introllecturals so of coarse we all-ready knows evvry Thing it is Racist! The reely Grate thing This hear prefesser she sayed is Indervidural Rites thay Fuuel Captillist Vilince expeshally “”Free Speach” and “Proptery Rites!!” yiu go girl!!!! (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10817)

Dam that cat she maid me Spel a wird wrong!!! wye dont she stop doing That???

Aslo she sayed thare shuld be no Pollice—no it wassnt the dum cat who sayed That! Wear was I? Oh yeh and aslo Socilism It “works” reely good becose Then Evvry Boddy thay is All Equil!!

So wee shuld auhght to Get “rid of”” al them Socalld Rites, only Us Interllecutrals we Are Smart Enuhgh to has “them” rites ordrinary dum peple thay Are Tooo Dum to has rites!!! Thay wil jist Whind Up “saying” hat speach and Racist stuph!!! Unlest yiu Are a Intrelecktural yiu “Mite As” wel be jist a Baby that Is “wye” we got to do All yore “Thinking” four yiu!!! and yiu stopid dum peeple yiu dont evvin apreceate It!!!

Wye dont This cat jist gett out “Of” hear??? She maid me make a airer!!

Owch she bited My moth Antenners!!! Yow! now she—

[The editors regret that Joe Collidge is unable to continue his essay.]

7 Minutes of Funny Bunnies REPRINT

From November 16, 2017

You may have noticed I tag these animal videos “Sanity Medicine.” Why? Well, driving home from the Keyport Fishery (best seafood in New Jersey) today, I almost went off the road when I heard Hillary Clinton, on the radio, deplore “the politicization of the Justice Dept.” Can you be that utterly without self-awareness and not be as mad as a hatter?

Anyhow, bunnies, cats, dogs, hamsters, turtles–they’re all good for leading us back to sanity.

Rescue Cat’s Stunning Transformation

Shmoo, Who Was Scheduled for Euthanasia

Serious Mainstream Bilgewater REPRINT

From April 20, 2013

I know someone who doesn’t like my books because they aren’t in a class with those of J.D. Salinger, Tom Wolfe, Ernest Hemingway, and Stephen King–and other giants of Serious Mainstream Literature. (Stephen King??? Well, he said it, not me.)

I would be seriously demoralized if anybody thought I wrote like any of those babblers. I have a neighbor, you see, who is obsessed with doing laundry. He likes to do it twice a day. His stepson has picked up the habit from him, and also does it twice a day. They both do laundry three or four items at a time. Three baseball caps. Two shirts and a pair of undies.

I think that’s what you do if you’re not writing Serious Mainstream Literature in which nothing bloody happens, nothing is revealed or resolved–the kind of books that make you run screaming back to Edgar Rice Burroughs. At least, if you’re obsessed with laundry, you get clean clothes.

Hemingway was a self-important ponce. Salinger was a dremmler. Stephen King hasn’t written anything worth a damn since the 1970s–and even that, when I revisit it, isn’t as good as it seemed at the time. If it weren’t for academic pinheads providing these writers with captive audiences of college students, no one would read them.

But what do you think, folks? Should I try to write more like J.D. Salinger? Does Helki the Rod need to spend more time worrying about teleological awareness? Or should he just go do some laundry?