Football for Tulips

The Great Community Organizer has weighed in on the subject of football, saying it’s much too butch and ought to be changed (radically transformed?), and that if he had a son, he’d “have to think long and hard” before he allowed the lad to play football. We will not even speculate, here, as to what this person would actually allow a son to do. Some of those images are not pleasant to contemplate.

Personally, I used to be a football fan but I’m not one anymore. In fact, I hate football. But not being a liberal, I would never try to take football away from the millions of people who like it, nor would I try to ruin it for them. But liberals run the country nowadays, and they’re getting more and more het up to “do something about football.”

My secret agents have obtained copies of a Congressional Democrat Caucus bill to make football “safe.” These are the same people who insist that schools teach first-graders about “safe sex.”

The proposed legislation will replace Pop Warner, high school, college and pro football with something called “Flower Football.” Teams will be named for various flowers–the Tuscaloosa Tulips, Dallas Daffodils, Chicago Daisies, etc. Players will suit up in leotards, teams will line up opposite each other as in a scrimmage, and will then recite Maya Angelou’s poetry. The appropriate flower will be attached to every player’s helmet, and as soon as a flower becomes detached and falls off, the game is declared over with both teams winning and each and every player being given a little gold cup for self-esteem.

Admission to the games will be free. Flower Football will be entirely funded by a tax increase.

Leave a Reply