5 Compelling Reasons for USA to Go to War in Syria

I’m so tired of hearing that “companies” and “corporations” and “bankers” are slyly maneuvering the USA to war with Syria “so they can make money.” Please! That’s so 1960s. So Bob Dylan. Besides, there are other reasons every bit as compelling as that stale old conspiracy theory. Here are five of them.

5. It’s all just a movie. None of it’s really happening. We’ve just been made to think it’s real. I admit it’s unlikely; but if you wake up in a straitjacket and there’s no such place as Syria, you’ll remember that I told you so.

4. Global Warming. It causes everything else, so it’s probably pushing us into a war with Syria, too.

3. Homophobia works in very subtle ways. It makes your cigar burn unevenly, for instance. If only everyone would embrace and celebrate sodomy, we’d have world peace.

2. We want the good bloodthirsty savages to rule Syria, not the bad ones. How do you tell them apart? Search me. But it’s important that the right set of homicidal maniacs comes out on top.

1. Idiocy. Plain idiocy is always underrated; but as a motive force in human history, it’ second only to sin. Look at how our machinations in Egypt have turned out. If that’s not clear evidence of idiocy at work, I don’t know what is.

The next time someone goes all Buffy Ste. Marie on you, just trot out one of these.

10 comments on “5 Compelling Reasons for USA to Go to War in Syria

  1. For whatever it is worth, I sent emails to my senators and representative this morning. Seems like everyone is jumping on this way too fast, it is scary. I asked them to vote no but I don’t know if it will make a difference. Better to speak and not make a difference than to hold your objection I think There is whole lot of oil and natural gas money flows that I dont fully understand that if we took the time to study I am sure it will be made more clear. My son was injured in Afghanistan, and I am very proud of him. But no one can give me a good reason why they are there. As soon as his unit came back the National Guard surrendered the territory back to the villages and taliban. The first Sargent in my son’s unit was blown to pieces but IEDs. My son knows how to retrieve body parts. For what reason? For what reason?

    1. I believe it is the policy of the Obama regime to establish an unbroken belt of jihad states from the Atlantic to India. At least that’s what it looks like.

    2. Again, this would be a lot more funny if it weren’t actually happening eh? And it looks more and more as if it is happening. There’s a historical precedent for the “cancellation” of an election in which a Muslim political group wins. The first post-colonial Algerian election was won by a Muslim party who ran on a platform of “canceling democratic elections” right after they won. It seems fair then to me that when they won, their own victory was immediately canceled.

      The stakes are too high. Non-democratic Muslim parties are the worst of many, or any evils in the current global political scene.

      As Dave Colonel was mentioning, it’s not good if the winning party starts persecuting the Coptic Church in Syria. It’s not good if the winning party persecutes non-Muslim religions. It’s not god if the winning party cancels democracy right after they win.

    3. And of course the people who were wining and dining Assad just a few years ago–remember that picture of Pelosi in the head scarf?–are now the ones crying for his scalp.

  2. As far as I can understand, the real homicidal maniacs are the ones who have their sights set on the long standing Syrian Coptic Christian community. The present regime supports the Christians, following generations and centuries of such behaviour. The Muslim brotherhood and other radicals have their own plans.


    1. Dave, you seem to be one of the few people aware of that fact. According to The Voice of the Martyrs–and why should they lie about it?–the Assad regime has long been notable for its reluctance to persecute Christians. But our nation’s glorious leaders always seem very cozy with regimes that persecute the Church.

  3. “But it’s important that the right set of homicidal maniacs comes out on top”

    Ahahah I can’t stop laughing, excellent satirical writing there. Thing is, what you say is true.

    Warm regards,
    Jessica Fischer

    1. Meanwhile the “rebels” whom our glorious leaders like so much recently stopped a bus and beheaded all 24 of the passengers, including a mother with her baby.

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