I’m so tired of hearing that “companies” and “corporations” and “bankers” are slyly maneuvering the USA to war with Syria “so they can make money.” Please! That’s so 1960s. So Bob Dylan. Besides, there are other reasons every bit as compelling as that stale old conspiracy theory. Here are five of them.
5. It’s all just a movie. None of it’s really happening. We’ve just been made to think it’s real. I admit it’s unlikely; but if you wake up in a straitjacket and there’s no such place as Syria, you’ll remember that I told you so.
4. Global Warming. It causes everything else, so it’s probably pushing us into a war with Syria, too.
3. Homophobia works in very subtle ways. It makes your cigar burn unevenly, for instance. If only everyone would embrace and celebrate sodomy, we’d have world peace.
2. We want the good bloodthirsty savages to rule Syria, not the bad ones. How do you tell them apart? Search me. But it’s important that the right set of homicidal maniacs comes out on top.
1. Idiocy. Plain idiocy is always underrated; but as a motive force in human history, it’ second only to sin. Look at how our machinations in Egypt have turned out. If that’s not clear evidence of idiocy at work, I don’t know what is.
The next time someone goes all Buffy Ste. Marie on you, just trot out one of these.