Are Centaurs Real?

Reader Basil Dimwittie emailed me last night to ask, “Are centaurs real? I think I seen one in my back yard while it was snowing.”

Well, Basil, the answer is “Yes.” According to the federal government’s Institute of Useless Studies, who spent $400 million of our tax dollars to prove it, the centaur is an extremely rare horse-and-human hybrid caused by a combination of Global Warming and Homophobia. Those few centaurs who survive their difficult childhoods–the horse half grows much faster than the human half–are housed in a secret facility operated by the Administration for Sustained Silliness.

Researchers find that adult male centaurs are almost uncontrollably aggressive, with a penchant for bad puns and a thirst for alcohol. Adult females are almost as bad, but smaller.

Centaurs are not to be confused with senators. If you have trouble telling them apart, just remember that a centaur has a functioning, sort-of human brain, and a U.S. Senator doesn’t.

In ancient times, centaurs lived in environmentally responsible groups, far from human towns and villages. They have become rare because most people refuse to believe in them, and that makes them down-hearted.

Nowadays it is almost unheard-of for a centaur to escape from the A.S.S. Centaur House. Confidential sources report that the government is currently trying to breed centaurs with pug dogs in order to spend more money on inane and pointless projects.

If you do see a centaur, the safest response is to offer it a bottle of Jack Daniels and hope it goes away. Do not attempt to contact the authorities. They won’t take kindly to your having seen a centaur.

19 comments on “Are Centaurs Real?

  1. i have seen a cencuare when i was 5 years old it looked half donkey and half male human it climb from outside into
    our window at night about 3 am
    went strait to our kitchen my father was also awake that night of which i did’t know but from what i remember
    my father must have seen it too he stand up from his bed and went after the centuar in the kitchen a name i did’t know for it at the time a fight broke between them and aftewards i saw it runs away and jump out the same window it has enter (it happen in the 1970’s today i’m 47 years old )

    1. Now that’s what I call an interesting story! Where did this happen? What did your father say about it afterward? Had any of your neighbors seen anything like it? Please tell us more.

  2. There’s another way for the hybrid to turn out. It looks completely human, but after dealing with it you realize that you’ve been dealing with the backside of a horse. 🙂

  3. Hilarious! But everyone else has coopted the jokes I wanted to make about horses’ rear ends and Senators (a redundancy). Boo hoo. I must go find a safe space.

  4. In Narnia the centaurs are wise and noble and very loyal to King Aslan.
    As far as the fed gov’t creating them, we must be careful in talking about them in our current PC culture because centaurs will be classified as transgenders according to Identity Politics – so sacrosanct.

    1. More like transspecies, no? (I never know whether to double the “s” in that word.) 😉

    2. Well, they double the s in “transsexual”–although, since there’s no such thing, how we spell it hardly matters.

      Stand up for reality! There is no “transgender”!

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