Reader Basil Dimwittie emailed me last night to ask, “Are centaurs real? I think I seen one in my back yard while it was snowing.”
Well, Basil, the answer is “Yes.” According to the federal government’s Institute of Useless Studies, who spent $400 million of our tax dollars to prove it, the centaur is an extremely rare horse-and-human hybrid caused by a combination of Global Warming and Homophobia. Those few centaurs who survive their difficult childhoods–the horse half grows much faster than the human half–are housed in a secret facility operated by the Administration for Sustained Silliness.
Researchers find that adult male centaurs are almost uncontrollably aggressive, with a penchant for bad puns and a thirst for alcohol. Adult females are almost as bad, but smaller.
Centaurs are not to be confused with senators. If you have trouble telling them apart, just remember that a centaur has a functioning, sort-of human brain, and a U.S. Senator doesn’t.
In ancient times, centaurs lived in environmentally responsible groups, far from human towns and villages. They have become rare because most people refuse to believe in them, and that makes them down-hearted.
Nowadays it is almost unheard-of for a centaur to escape from the A.S.S. Centaur House. Confidential sources report that the government is currently trying to breed centaurs with pug dogs in order to spend more money on inane and pointless projects.
If you do see a centaur, the safest response is to offer it a bottle of Jack Daniels and hope it goes away. Do not attempt to contact the authorities. They won’t take kindly to your having seen a centaur.