Constable Chumley Quells a Riot (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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At the close of Chapter CDXIV of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Lady Margo Cargo’s upholstered wooden leg, accidentally thrown onto the roller derby rink, has turned the skating match into pure chaos as the visiting Ulan Bator Lake Smelts, with several of their star players critically injured by the errant wooden leg, and with Lady Margo herself trying to crawl across the rink to retrieve it, storm the rails to take vengeance on all of Scurveyshire.

“And they say I can’t write a coherent sentence!” interjects Ms. Crepuscular.

Powerless to stop the violence, Lord Jeremy Crepuscular pleads with Constable Chumley. “Do something, man! Do something before they destroy the whole town!”

“Frith my linkle vostry, m’lord,” calmly replies the constable. To Lord Jeremy’s appalled amazement, the constable takes a red yo-yo from his pocket and begins to play with it. “Ye gods, the man is mad!” cries Lord Jeremy.

But the results fully justify the constable’s prompt, decisive action.

“At this point in world history”–she’s interjecting again: I don’t know how to stop her–“the yo-yo was unknown in Mongolia. Marco Polo presented one to Kubla Khan, but the khan’s successors lost it in a poker game with a traveling Manchu card sharp, and by now there is no one in Ulan Bator who has ever seen or even imagined one.”

The Lake Smelts instantly lose the impulse to riot, and they gather around Constable Chumley in frozen fascination. The effect is supernumary! Lady Margo is even able to recover her upholstered wooden leg while all the skaters, entranced in pure wonder, watch the yo-yo bob up and down.

“‘Tis all yon frothering with a wee braystick,” he explains. The Lake Smelts tamely follow him to the railway station and embark on the next train, with team Captain Draja Chukutaiev now the proud owner of a bright red yo-yo.

The chapter ends with the entire population of Scurveyshire trying to buy yo-yos.


Can You Count the Kittens?

Are there four, five, or six of these hyper kittens? You’ll have to wait till they all conk out. Their mother is auditioning for a role as a symbol of stoicism.

Counting kittens is hard. You can practice by counting the guppies in the aquarium at the pet store. Take care not to burn out your brain.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17)

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Cats Want Air Time, Too!

The people in these videos might have saved themselves some trouble if they’d only made up their minds to let the cats hold center stage. Admit it–you’d rather watch the cats anyhow.

Pop-Aye he wuz Reel!!!

The Polish Roots of Popeye | Article |

Collidge it is So grate!!! Tooday we hased a lexture “In” Nothing Studdies and i lernt somb Thing i diddnt know “be”foar!!!

Pop-Aye the Saler,, thay cawled himb That “be”cawse salers thay “Are” alyaws saying Aye-Aye,, he wuz “a” Reel Perdson!!!!!! Ownly it wuzznt True abuot himb eeting Spinnitch “to get” Strawng, no it wuzznt Spinnitch it was Pot!!! Maryywanna! Wen Pop-Aye he kneeded Sooper Stringth,,, he smoaked Pot!!!!! and it maid himb “as” strawng as Stuper Man!!!!!! In facked, the prefesser sayed, “Yiu cood nevver” say “whoo wood Win “in” a Fite betweeen Pop-Aye “and” Stuper Man!!”!”

He didded moast “Of” his salering in Kanzziz or Bacteria ((i ferget witch One), he billt this heer Grate Big Schip the SS Olav Oil witch he naimed “foar” “his” gril frend and get this!!! She wuz a Trans Wimmin!!!!! that is wye she looked Like that. He saled his schip Alll Ohver The Oshin untill Global Warming it maid the oshin dry Up and bloe Awhey!!!! He tryed to “dig” A “new” oshin but Gorge W Bussh that rat! he Stopped himb!!!

Layter onn “in” Lyfe Pop-Aye he becommed a Socile Juststus Wirer and chaced al the Snaiks out of Eyerland!!

I caint hardly Wate foar “the” neckst Lexture!!!!!!!!!!



A Tail of Two Kitties

Sorry about the headline, but I simply couldn’t bear to let it go to waste. Maybe one of you can use it as the title of a story.

I now feel like a bad guy because I didn’t give my kittens balls of yarn. Patty likes to knit, so we usually have yarn; it just never occurred to me to share it with cats. Ours had to settle for pipe cleaners, cardboard boxes, and jingly balls. Oh, well…

Emergency False Facts!

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star

G’day! Are you noozed out–just can’t stand any more? Byron the Quokka here, with relief–yes, I said relief!

Brought to you by Quokka University and Acme False Facts Inc., we present a new set of guaranteed false facts that will not only take your mind off the nooze, but will also help you to astound your friends with all the stuff you know but they don’t. Just remember to recite your false fact with absolute confidence! And practice a withering glance of pity that’ll make anyone who questions you feel ignorant.

Without further ado, here are some samples from our newest set.

*In 1880 a man who claimed to have visited the Moon was given a ticker-tape parade by the town of Bent Spoon, Indiana. At the conclusion of the parade, they hanged him.

*A recent poll shows that 41% of the people descended from Osric Witling never heard of him. And neither has anybody else.

*When the musical We’ve Got Chiggers opened on Broadway on March 12, 1951, half the audience went home with real chiggers they’d unknowingly picked up in the theater, resulting in a massive lawsuit that closed the show after only one performance.

*With the seats in the stadium now occupied by cardboard cutouts of fans, Major League Baseball plans to populate the playing field and the dugouts with cardboard cutouts of the players.

*The discovery of the source of the River Nile was delayed for many years by rumors that Queen Victoria had already been there on her honeymoon. But current DNA analyses suggest she didn’t like any of the hotels in the neighborhood.

Well, that should be enough to get you started! Each and every card in the Emergency False Facts Set is guaranteed to be totally devoid of truth–and it can all be yours for a mere $1.28 (US), plus $640 shipping.

You Wanted More Norbert?

Well, okay, here’s a Norbert video I hadn’t posted yet. I hope his growing fame doesn’t make him haughty (and how many times have you seen that word used, lately?). This amazing little dog is loved all over the world.

Hands off, Hollywood!

Chickens’ Welcome Wagon

I have no excuse for posting this, except I really do love to watch chickens run. And if they’re going to run to meet you when they see you coming–well, what more could anybody ask?

Little Dog, Little Cat, Big Chuckle

The little white dog wants to play. Apparently the cat does not. How do you get the cat cranked up to play. (Hint: You don’t. Cats don’t do what they don’t want to do.)

No silly animals were hurt in the making of this video. (The cat was afraid of looking silly, but the dog simply didn’t care.)