Cat Hygiene (Sort Of)

I had a friend whose cat always used the toilet instead of a litter box. He was 90 years old and much appreciated the labor his cat spared him.

Here’s a cat who has almost figured out the use of toilet paper. You can see it’s a big “almost.”

The ‘State of the Eunuch’ Speech

PHOTO: President Joe Biden stumbles while walking up the steps of Air Force One at Joint Base Andrews, Md., March 19, 2021, for a trip to Georgia.

It’s always better to fall up the stairs than down.

Oh, boy! We have secretly obtained “notes” for SloJo Biden’s “State of the Eunuch” speech tonight. Our source says “The language has to be cleaned up a little before he goes on the air… For instance, we’re recommending that he call it the ‘State of the Union,’ as it’s always been. Still, it’s just about ready.”

Two points stand out. We quote:

“On my watch, more little boys have been castrated than in all our country’s history put together, up till now. This is how we’re fighting Climbit Change!”

And this:

“All that expensive military equipment that we left behind, skedaddling out of Afghanistan with our tails between our legs, will have to be replaced so that we can donate it to Ukraine’s war effort! This means, in a word of just three letters, JOBS! Our economy is booming!”

The president has also learned how to pretend to pull a finger off his hand. “He can hardly wait to perform it while he delivers the speech,” says our source. “He saw it at a party when he was five years old and has finally mastered it himself.”

We’ll probably get in trouble for showing this in advance, but we can’t resist. So here it is.

“Let’s see Putin do that!” the president reportedly declared.

Dogs ‘n’ Doorstops

Not since Andy Devine said “Plunk your magic twanger, Froggy!” has anything twangy been such a hit as those springy doorstops. Dogs and cats love ’em!

They had to ban them in Scurveyshire, though. People were taking it all much too seriously.

Dogs vs. Bushel o’ Crabs

Prices having shot into the stratosphere, it’s been years since we had a dozen blueclaw crabs for supper. One thing about crabs that hasn’t changed: they take no guff from anyone. These dogs don’t know what they’re in for, if a crab should grab one by the nose or ear.

Chapter DXXX–At Last! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

You think it’s easy, being this woman’s editor? Hah! All week long, she’s been sulking. A customer review on some Charlie High-school website called her “Violet Corpuscle” and she couldn’t deal with it.

Nevertheless, somehow Chapter DXXX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, has gotten written. Let Ms. Crepuscular (not Corpuscle) introduce it.

“I am proud to be introducing Chapter DXXX of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney,” she gestures hypnotically, like Mandrake the Magician. For her it doesn’t work.

We were expecting the Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire in this chapter, and for once we got just what we asked for. The Dragon comes out from under the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard and starts frothing all over the place. Lord Jeremy Coldsore and Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad, watch in stunned horror.

“Germy, we got to do somethin’ about this!” says Twombley, balancing his six-gun on a fingertip. This makes Lord Jeremy uneasy. He has already been shot in one foot and has no desire for the experience to be repeated. Meanwhile, Squire Oochy’s greenhouse is buried under dragon-froth.

“Who the devil’s Squire Oochy?” Jeremy wonders.

“Suspense!” exults Ms. Crepuscular. “Tune in next week to find out who the devil’s Squire Oochy!”


Risking Your All for Some Worms

The little brown anole lizard can’t resist the mealworms included in the snacks at the bird feeder. He’d better watch out or he’ll wind up as bird food, too. Notice how skillfully he disappears whenever the blue jays show up, to reappear just as smoothly after they leave.

I have included this video in today’s program to discourage high-risk behavior by lizards.

Kittens Stump Great Big Dog

All right, who’s the wise guy who put the kittens in the dog bed?

Videos like this make me really wish I could see the situation through the animals’ eyes. What do they think of this? What is going through their minds? We’ll never know.

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 4

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day out there! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of sustainable TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE TOTALLY PLASTERED 6 O’CLOCK NEWS–News and slosh

Anchorman Poopsie Whippersnapper slurs and mumbles his way through the day’s news as inebriated staffers collide with studio furniture and absent-mindedly start fires. Canadian Mist canceled its sponsorship of this show, but it was quickly picked up by the lesser-known distillery, Old Souse. Sports: Some guy face-down on the floor, we can’t see who it is.

Ch. 51   NEWS FOR SPIDERS–News and commentary

What does the daily news look like to a spider? Anchors Don Fapp and Wendy Bendy, plus all the reporters in the field, wear realistic spider costumes, to reassure real spiders that they have friends in big-time journalism. All news written “with a spidery slant.” Tonight: “Tasty bugs you can catch in the Governor’s Mansion.” Featured: the June Taylor Dancers… with eight legs.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   MISS VIOLET’S KITCHEN–Cooking show

Best-selling romance writer Violet Crepuscular’s real love is gourmet cooking! Tonight she’ll show you “Six Fantastically Creative Uses of Toothpaste”–in cabbage rolls, hors d’ouevres [Search me if I spelled that right!], clam chowder, and three more unexpected dishes. Guest taster: Retired wrestler George “The Animal” Steele.

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   MOVIE OF THE MONTH–Adventure, herpetology

Irving Kallikak stars as actor Burt Lancaster, and Lancaster stars as Irving Kallikak, in Don’t Look Now, But Here Come the Giant Tree Frogs (Indian-Estonian, 2008). A laboratory clean-up goes wrong, and gigantic tree frogs escape to wreak havoc among trees and buildings that can’t support their ponderous weight. General Fizzle: Martin Balsam. Miss Mississippi: Marla Maples. Doc: Joe Pyne. Sneezy: Simon Oakland.

7:30 P.M.  Ch.14   THE SCARLET COCCYX–Historical sitcom

Who is “The Scarlet Coccyx”? The mad bishop (Joey Bishop), the brawling woman with a headache (Patty Duke), the goofy teenage werewolf (Michael Landon)–it could be anybody! This week: Detective Inspector Yogi Shubushu (Matt Damon) thinks he has a clue to The Scarlet Coccyx’s real identity, but nobody cares.

And those shows, boys ‘n’ girls, are just the tip of the iceberg! We’ve been collecting stuff like this from dumpsters all over Rottnext Island.

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island ...

Byron the Quokka–inspecting wheels and signing off!

Are These Birds Quite Sane?

The parrots in this video go out of their way to pester cats. Why? Do they have a death wish? Or do the birds and the cats have an understanding that’s way out of human reach? Go figure.

Syince It Is Jist Moar Wite Strupemmasy!!!

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Nhaow the Trooth it comes Out!!! Syints it “is” Wyte Strupremmasy in Disskies!+!! And that is “The” reezin I fluncted Kemmistry!!!!!!

Yiu doughnt beleave me??? Well, jist loook “at” that Pixture!!!! That there, it is a Wite gye!!!!!!! It Is a Wyte gye dooing kemmastry!! and thay aslo doo Fizzix tooo!!!!Evry ware yiu look is Wyte Superpremmasy!!!!

Heer “at” “the” Stoodint Soviet,, we has de-sided to Do Sumbthing abuout It!!! We voated to get ridd “of awl” the Syints at This here Yoonavarsitty untill we can has Queer Black Femmanist Syints and “no” Other kyned!!!

And aslo we Are goingto ficks that thare Peeriotic Tabel so it woont “has”no moar Wyte Ellamints!!! Jist Black ones lyke Carbin and that stuph thay put In Penssals!!!!!! This it “Is” Very Good becose it maiks tha Tabel mutch shoarter!!!!! (We Can aslo has Chalklit becose It is a nother Braown Ellamint!)

Fromb naow On we whil Not alouw The Collidge to teetch Any Thing Wyte!!!!!! And we Are aslo whirking On “getting Ridd” of Wyte Payper tooo!!!