Cats… and Human Kittens

I’ve seen enough Cat & Baby videos to believe that many cats understand babies as human kittens, and respond accordingly. Many, but not all.

Some fall in love with the baby, right off the bat. Others are very, very cautious. You’ll see one cat run all the way upstairs because the baby made a movement that unnerved him.

You haven’t ever done that, have you?

Do Cats Have Rubber Bones?

Cats like to hide. They like to hide in tight places. If they don’t have flexible rubber bones, how do they manage to pour themselves into jars? It takes some real contortionist’s tricks to get into some of those hiding places.

I’m sure some of you like to hide sometimes. But humans will never catch up to cats in that field of art.

Curing the Vicar’s Conniptions (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Lady Margo Cargo – Lee Duigon

Introducing Chapter CDXLIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular tackles the problem of the Vicar of Scurveyshire’s recurring conniptions.

“I am frequently asked to describe the vicar’s conniptions,” she writes, “but I have always held back from doing so because they’re such tacky conniptions! Dr. Fanabla has thrown up his hands in despair–and now he can’t bring them down again. People who see him on the street assume a robbery is in progress and throw up their hands, too. And now he finds it virtually impossible to put on his socks and tie his shoes.”

Constable Chumley interrupts his door-to-door search for legless amphibians to answer repeated summonses to stop a robbery on the High Street. The fact that there is no robbery never daunts him. “Fray nobbin to nobbin,” he explains, “sithen yon manny grue brach!” Many find his words reassuring. Some don’t.”

Meanwhile, the vicar’s new conniptions take on a form which will forever haunt all those who witness them. In desperation, Lady Margo Cargo suggests a folk remedy: tie a burlap bag over his head and sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” “It sometimes worked when our head house parlor maid had her conniptions,” she reverberates.

“We’ll have to wait for the next chapter to find out whether it works,” writes Ms. Crepuscular. “That’s how I heighten the suspense!”

I fear that means she doesn’t know.

P.S.: Reader Doris Magnoon of Inchworm Township, Kuwait, objects to the use of Roman numbers as chapter heads. “We have been cheated out of the magical numeral, 444, which has massive therapeutic properties!” she complains. It is Ms. Crepuscular’s plan to ignore her.

Memory Lane: Favorite Board Games

The Value of Board Games – WOW! Children's Museum

We didn’t have hi-tech fancy electronic videos back in the Bronze Age, but we did have board games. And with summer waning, my friends and I knew it was time to dust off our favorite games. (I’m not counting Monopoly or chess, because we played those all year round.)

My cousins had Clue. “Col. Mustard in the Kitchen with the Candlestick!” I think the first game we learned to play was Chutes and Ladders. Look at the picture–there’s Stratego. You love it when they blow themselves up on the hidden mines, trying to capture your flag.

Candy Land. Sorry. Pachesi. Mille Bournes (oh, yeah!). Settlers of Catan (for adults). Go to the Head of the Class (did any of you ever play that?).

I’d love to hear what your favorite board games were–or are. They come in mighty handy when the weather’s not cooperating.

But I suspect that to enjoy them properly, you have to not have a cell phone.

Blessed Are the Peacemakers (Even If They’re Dogs)

Isn’t this fantastic? The cat’s working himself up to get into a dust-up with another cat–when along comes the dog and removes kitty from the battlefield. Thanks to this golden retriever, no cats were injured in the making of this video.

Mark my words, there’s a story in this somewhere…

Giant Spider Steals Dog’s Ball

Gee, that headline sounds like one of those glorious 1950s horror movies…

I don’t believe it’s possible that the dog genuinely doesn’t realize this enormous spider is not a living thing. I think the dog is playing along with the gag and having fun. Animals are a lot smarter than they get credit for (although my iguana did sometimes try to eat pictures of fruit painted on his plate–but he simply couldn’t resist anything red, like tomato or watermelon).

Fish Catches Fisherman

Fap! We should be on vacation now; we should be out there fishing. Somehow we always managed to avoid the mishaps shown in this video.

They do remind me, though, of a friend of ours who could never climb into a boat without falling out of it.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 18

Ep. 1 TV Guide 1969

Hullo, hullo, hullo! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s glorious weekend television (Were we supposed to offer classes, somewhere along the line?), just what you need to stave off boredom and stage a hearty revel. Here’s a little peek at the menu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   GET A HEAD!–Drama/Comedy

Charlie Pennzoil (Chuck Connors) is one of only a very few persons to survive a beheading. But watch what happens when he tries to get his old job back as a Walmart greeter! Mrs. Pushmapullya: Debbie Reynolds. Dr. Fauci: A Marionette. Music by Herb Alpert’s old trombone teacher.

Ch. 05   ‘GOOD JOB!’–Game Show

Join host Marcel Marceau as teams of college students compete recklessly to see who can do really simple tasks without breaking down and having to retreat to the crying booth. Tonight’s challenges: telling time, making Tang, reading a building directory, and opening a box of animal crackers without spilling it. And all contestants win those encouraging words, “Good job!”

7 P.M.  Ch. 16   TALES OF THE WITHERED LEAF–Melodrama

Visit the saddest old tavern in Merrie Olde England, where everyone suffers from easily avoidable troubles of their own making. This Week: Snugg the Carpenter laments drilling a hole through the top of his foot while inebriated–while Mrs. Snugg embarks on an affair with the town lecher. All parts played by hand puppets! With the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 21   RESTORING THE MING DYNASTY–Unclassifiable

Dr. Fong Hsueh-ting travels all over America seeking survivors of the Ming Dynasty, which ended in 1644. If he finds any, he will let us know. “I can’t imagine where they all went,” he admits. “I don’t know how many times I’ve asked Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries to help me. Go jump in a lake, they say.”

7:17 P.M.   Ch. 46  MOVIE–Unwatchable Rubbish

Critics are still wondering why Jack Nicholson and Ginger Rogers ever allowed themselves to appear in “Zombie Pogo Sticks” (1998), the first and last movie directed by U.S. Senator Bob Dole. Invasion of zombies who get around by means of pogo sticks: theater owners complained the film was setting off bouts of motion sickness among the audience.

Well! If that doesn’t plant you in front of your TV set this weekend, I don’t know what will! Honest, that movie isn’t as bad as it looks…

Animals Proudly Showing Their Contagious Smiles (Photos) | Cool pets, Happy  animals, Cute animals

This Kitten Means Business

My wife was so shocked when we were told that our sweet, friendly, peaceful little Peep turned rogue when she was at the vet’s. She couldn’t believe her ears. It was like hearing that Norbert preys on sheep.

So here’s a kitten who already growls at uncooperative humans. What’s he gonna be like when he grows up–a scourge of man and beast?

Get Ridd ‘Of” ‘The” Constertuition!!!!!

133 Words or Less: You're Shredding the Constitution | Michael Maharrey

Tooday we hadded “a” meating Of “the” Stoodint Soviet and we done Somb-thing it whil maik Hisstery!!!!! We voated “to” abollix that no-good US Consittusion!!!!!!!!!!

That thare dum thing it was wrote “in” like “the” 13th Sentry and it “Is” jist not good for Nothing heer in this heer 20th Sentry!!!!! It “is” like toatilly Out-of Daite!!!

And wood yiu Beleave it???? Nott one singul Trans-ginder Non-bynairy Person hadded any Thing todo whith It!!!!! Thay was Oxcloodid!!!! Aslo this stinkin Countree of Ours it never-never-nevver gotted that thare Consperussion APPROOVED “by” The UN!!!!! Can yiu beet that?????

We kneed “a” brandnoow Constiracion that is only wrote by Peeple Of Culler!!!! And aslo by Peeple in Oather Countrees too!!! Wye diddnt noboddy in Indea or Soodan or Boilivier evver get to wrote anyy “of” “The” Consatushin??? Whas that fare???

We kneed “a” hole niew Cunskaration that whil throe wyte peeple In Jale for hasing Wyte Privlidge and Racist thawts!!!!! If it whas Up “to” Me i wood lock Up Evry-boddy axsept Mynahrities and aslo peple who Are “at” Collidge!!!! And aslo I wood maik it “a” law that Dunkin Donuts thay has to be Free fromb nhow on!!!!!!

So wee “Are” goingto Send a Leter “to” Jobydin assking himb to get ridd Of “the” Conscetrusion so we Can has Femminists in Sawdy Araybier “write” a New one foar us!!!!!!