We are offered a rare glimpse into the creative mind at work, thanks to a notebook carelessly left on a windowsill by Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense.
With the June Taylor Dancers, from the 1950s, lurking in the woods around Scurveyshire in the 1850s, what role will Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s 20-pound accordion play in saving the town? And don’t forget Mr. Pudding and his newts! A reader in Pastiche Grove, Michigan, forgot… and a giant spider got her.
The notebook, written in Cretan Linear A, provides tantalizing sketches of the June Taylor Dancers warding off the attacking newts while a bearded man with strange anatomical features (two left hands, for instance) plays a large accordion.
“Over the past 70 years,” she writes, reverting to English for the nonce, “I have found Cretan Linear B superior to the Indus Valley Script when it comes to keeping notes. And either one will drive would-be plagiarists crazy! Go ahead, sucker–plagiarize this!”
“I like the Indus Valley Script for day-to-day reminders involving goldfish food, etc.; but as you can see by this example, Linear A has it beat.”
Obviously not suitable for serious literary porpoises!
Ipso loquitur mannimota, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest news about the creation of Quokka University.
We’ve got our Latin motto, we’ve hired a coach for our pick-up sticks team–she insists on remaining incognito, wherever that is–and we’ve appointed half a dozen deans. For that we did “one potato, two potato.” We make a lot of important decisions that way.
This week we wrestled with the question of whether or not we need to set up a cafeteria. We quokkas eat a lot of leaves and bark, grass, fruit and berries, all of which, well, grow here on Rotnest Island so there’s always something to eat, we don’t have to go looking for it. So a faction led by Aunt Feezy said we didn’t need a cafeteria, but every college I ever heard of has one, so we decided we’d better have one, too. Just in case. Two quokkas named Arnie and Asshurbanipal found this nice big cardboard box that we can use. Just bring some food inside and eat it there. It’ll do for starters.
As for degree programs and courses and things like that, we’re still trying to figure out how many humans we can admit as students and what kind of courses they would like. We want to offer stuff they can’t get in human colleges–and how much should we charge them for it? We don’t use money, so how would they pay for their higher education? Who knew it was so much work to set up a college?
We’re also thinking maybe we won’t have courses. Uncle Ripcord says that would be “real cutting-edge, it’ll probably start a trend.” We shall see!
Meanwhile, we want you all to know we’re putting a good twenty minutes a week into this enterprise and that’s why it’s taking shape so fast.
From July 10, 2020
I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!
Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!
We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!
Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.
At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!
The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!
We’ve been waiting two weeks for Chapter DCCXLIV of Violet Crepuscular’s immortal romance novel, Oy, Rodney. Is she all right?
“She went out trick-or-treatin’ last night,” says her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, “and never come back. She wears the same costume every year–a milkmaid with sort of a stuffed possum on her shoulder.” Last night was Oct. 5. “She likes to get out there before anybody else,” explains Mr. Pitfall. “Once or twice she came out in August. Nobody ever gives her any candy. I give her some chewin’ tobacco once.”
To recapitulate: The June Taylor Dancers, transported into the Victorian Age, are hiding in the woods around Scurveyshire. Lord Jeremy Coldsore is hunting for them with his 20-pound accordion. And Mr. Pudding is preparing his newts for war. There’s also something about Lady Margo Cargo discovering the source of the Nile, but Ms. Crepuscular has been strangely silent about that.
She does have a message for her readers. If you can’t find a copy of The Scurveyshire Times, here’s the substance of it.
“Dear readers, I have not stopped writing! I am only building up the suspense. That is why they call me The Queen of Suspense. That is why they call my most devoted readers ‘Idiots.’ Next week, honest, I’ll have that chapter for you!”
[Editor’s Note: Mr. Pitfall goes to bed at 6 p.m. every night. If Violet had come home at 6:15, he would have missed her.]
G’day from Quokka University! Byron here: and, as chairquokka of our Political Science Dept., I wish to announce the hiring of an associate professor! Hired by me, in fact. Trumpets, please! May I introduce our first associate professor of political science…here he is…
Norbert the therapy dog!
I hired him because you can hardly believe how sharply he can change direction, even while running at full speed. This is an invaluable skill in politics! Human politicians take pride in their ability to zig-zag, but Norbert puts them all to shame.
I have assigned him to teach Sharp Turns 101 and Being For It, Then Against It 202.
Did I mention he works cheap? Well, he only weighs three pounds, it’s not like you have to feed him a lot. No need to raise the tuition just to feed Professor Norbert.
As for the burning question, “What is the tuition?”, well, don’t look at me, I’m the Poli Sci Dept.! See if you can find the registrar, Aunt Feezy the Quokka, and ask her. I think I saw her going into the mangrove swamp.
I doughnt Know wye “that thare” hedline is up thare, making Peple “think” I amb Droping Out of Collidge!!! Sumbboddy thay are Trying “to” maik me look stupid!!!!!
What reely hapened was, I fell Off these here big bawls we “were bounsing Araound to raze munny foar Kamalala to git E-lektid Pressadint! It’s Not “as” eezy as it looks!! So I was “bountsing” aroaund wen I thawt I seen Jobydin! bowncing on a big red bawl and it maid me fawl off!!!! And wen I looked agin,, he waznt thare!!!!!!
This prooves that he has Magickle Powers!!!!
We has sended Off “a” leter to Kamalala aksing Her to c”ome” to our Campis and bounse whith us!!!!! Thar wil “kill off” the roomers that she “is” a Which!!!!!! Gotta do “that” befoar its Halloween!!!!
