From April 14, 2023
It’s getting so you can’t enjoy a nice roll on the couch without getting caught in something that some careless take-ya-for-granted human leaves lying around. And then they have the gall to laugh at you! Wait’ll the next time I have to pee, chuckles…
From November 13, 2019
All right, I finally broke down and watched this video. I had been avoiding it because I don’t approve of apex predators, like hammerhead sharks, as entertainment. I think the diver’s striped wet suit is to make the sharks think he’s some kind of sea snake.
But the rest of the clips are fun. The bear opening the car door, the raccoon performing a high wire act on the bird feeder, the cow nursing baby goats–just gotta love ’em. Unless it’s your car that the bear climbs into.
888
Invoking a little-known law enacted in the year 636 by the Saxon warlord Bobby the Nit, Lord Jeremy Coldsore has drafted Professor Saltinus Facehead’s Egyptian diggers to put a new roof on Coldsore Hall. So begins Chapter CCCXLVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.
Constable Chumley explains the law to Prof. Facehead.
“In yon fillid wi’ King Bobby,” he says, “we fraith the bowyers aw’ mickle groith.” The professor nods sagely, although the constable’s quaint rural dialect eludes his best efforts to understand what has been said. He replies in archaic Portuguese. It is the constable’s turn to nod sagely.
Although the diggers speak no English, and their Arabic is not that hot, either, they throw themselves enthusiastically into their work and in a mere two days, Coldsore Hall has a new roof. The entire population of Scurveyshire assembles to admire it.
“It’s a miracle!” gushes Lady Margo Cargo. “I wish they’d do my roof like that!”
But when a moderate breeze springs up, the new roof seems to take wing and fly off toward the sunset. It will take some doing to get it back.
Here Ms. Crepuscular breaks in to report on the status of her Pulitzer Prize nomination, filed by her excitable neighbor, Mr. Pitfall.
“I am afraid Mr. Pitfall made an error and submitted the nomination to something called the Patzer Prize Committee,” she writes. “This group hands out prizes for poorly-played chess games. I cannot explain why they have decided to award a special prize to my epic romance, Oy, Rodney.”
The prize awarded is a rusty wheelbarrow. “I’ll have to find space for it on my mantle, somehow,” Ms. Crepuscular says. “It’s going to change the whole look of my living room. Given Mr. Pitfall’s current state of excitement, I dare do nothing else.”
Here the chapter breaks off for want, she admits, of inspiration.
From May 25, 2018
When the hurly-burly’s done, When the battle’s lost and won/
Everyone around here knows It’s time for critter videos.
Thing is, you never know what animals are going to do next. Or what they’re doing just now, sometimes. Like the dog frantically trying to remove rocks from the brook. Or the cockatiels who won’t let the hapless human type on the keyboard. Go figure.
From March 21, 2020
Tuning up to sing our school song–once we decide what it is
G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest on Quokka University.
We’ve been so busy appointing deans and such, we almost forgot one of the most important things for any college–a school song! We’re going to vote on it, and here are the top three candidates so far:
“I’m an Old Cow-Hand from the Rio Grande”
“The Ants Go Marching One by One” (my favorite!)
“I’ve Got Sixpence”
Aunt Feezy is still holding out for “How Much Is That Emu in the Window?”, but she’s the only one. There’s also some support for this old Simon & Garfunkel song, “I am Iraq, I am an Ireland,” but that one doesn’t make much sense to me. There’s a group of tuataras over in New Zealand who sing it really well, but it’s just not a quokka song.
Besides, I think tuatara-singing is an acquired taste, and I have not acquired it yet.
Well, if any of you humans out there want to vote on our school song, please go right ahead. Maybe you can suggest a great song we haven’t thought of yet.
The school song will be sung at half-time during all our pick-up sticks matches.
[Editor’s Note: I was resolved not to allow Joe Collidge to appear today, but he snuck in while I wasn’t looking.]
Thancksgiven Daye it is to-marrow butt i amb not goingto cellarbrate it “becose” America “it” blows and anny how my fambly “thay” woont lett me “in” The house no moar!!
I whant to caul Atentchin to alll themb dum doaps that say Thare isnt no Climbit Chainge or Globble War Ming can yiu beleave How stopid thay “are”??? and thay aslo are sayying Godziller he “Is” not Reel!! Wel if he is “Not” Reel then how comb thares so Manny moovies abote himb?? Lets “see” themb Anser thatt!!!!!
Scyantits thay now know “that” it is Climbit Chainge what cawses all themb Monsters in Jappan!! It is ownly natcheral!!! Globble War Ming it whakes themb up “And” maiks themb crazy!!! and yiu Can axpect To see moar and moar Godziller atacks as the Climbit it chainges moar and moar!! This hear it is Donold Trumpt’s fawult!!!!!! Evry Boddy but himb and al thoze captillist Racists thay reelize we ownly has got tend (10) oar twelf (12) yeers leffted till The “end” “of” The Whorld unlest al the cristchins thay get putt In jale and thare isnt no moar facile fuols!!! Godziller atacks thay “are” jist the Tipp “of” the Iceburger!!!!
Now evry Interllectural in Evry Collidge thay know this but Trumpt he whants to maik the Whorld end and evry boddy dye jist so’s he “Can” Maik a Prophit!!!! That is wye he must got to Be “impeechted” befour he Can “do” it!!! And iff yiu stopid dum peple thinck I amb rawng whell yiu Can “jist” checke whith The U N and thay whil telll yiu evry Thing i sayed it is rihght!!!! Go a “head” and Ask themb i dayre yiu!!!!!!!!!!
Stopid Amarica yiu better “do” what us interllecturals say oar “the” neckst Monstar fromb Monstar Iland it whil be Comming “yore” whay!!!!!
From September 1, 2021
The Blue State Fund for Unity has announced a new plan to make America’s national elections more Democratic… er, I mean “democratic.”
“We got the idea from the way they used to vote for the baseball All-Star game years ago, before computers,” said BSFU Commissar Royce Squeegee: “Grab as many ballots as you can and stay up all night filling ’em out–a great way to get your favorite players onto the team! Even better than the way they voted this year, on line.”
So what is the new idea?
“Phone-in voting!” burbled Squeegee. “Even better than mail-in voting, because we won’t need drop boxes. Anybody with a cell phone can call in as many votes as he wants! What could be more democracy than that?”
California is in line, he said, to be the first state to demonstrate the ineffable desirability of phone-in voting. “Once we overwhelmingly vote Gavin Newsom back into the governor’s mansion, the whole country will follow. I tell ya, blue state governors are already licking their chops over this!
“And if you don’t have a cell phone,” he added, “the Democratic Party will give you one–free! Along with another COVID vaccination, just to sweeten the pot.”
Squeegee rejected the argument that this will lead to bogus elections with millions of more votes than voters. “There’s no such thing as too much voting!” he howled. “We ran a computer simulation that showed 700 million votes for President Biden.
“This is a fundamental transformation to top ’em all!”