For those of you out there who are widows–you know all of this. For those who are not, let me tell you how it has affected me. It is different for everyone.
First I would not wish widowhood on my worst enemy. (I hope I do not have any enemies, let alone a worst one).
If you have had a really happy, wonderful , long-term marriage it is the most devastating thing that could possibly happen. You truly have lost your other half.
Your wonderful conversations come to a complete stop. Period. That’s it–end of discussion. You will find yourself thinking-oh wait till l tell him this. Then you realize that you won’t be able to do that. Ever again.
You feel suddenly very alone and very vulnerable. The thought of anything that could cause you physical pain (like a doctor visit) becomes completely intolerable. I had to work up courage and was shaking like a leaf when I had my eye exam. This was something I could not control. It may sound ridiculous, but that’s the way it was.
You become fearful (and sort of phobic). You find excuses for not going out of the house. Your motivation becomes non-existent.
You have to do everything alone.
Everything becomes very, very hard to do.
I can only compare it to what F. Scott Fitzgerald once said about writing “It is like swimming underwater and holding your breath.” That is exactly the way it feels.
Of course, there is the Resurrection–but you want him here and now.
I am blessed in having good neighbors. I was surprised how many people came to my door, gave me their phone numbers, and offered help if I needed it.
Then there are the possessions. There is much to give away, dispose of, sell, or find a good home for. More that you realize.
I am also lucky that in the archives there are a couple of interviews where I can hear the sound of his voice, describing his writing techniques and other topics. That is very comforting to have.
The bottom line is–it is not easy, it takes a lot of time and you must accept that your life is changed forever.
It does get easier.
But it takes a lot of time.
Don’t rush yourself or set unrealistic goals.
God will help you, so don’t forget to ask Him.
I have not yet experienced this. Thank you for writing about it. Now I can begin to understand it. ❤
Thanks Michele It is unique to each person, but certain things are shared by all. God does help.
I haven’t experienced losing a beloved spouse to death, but I was divorced from someone I loved more than I can express in words. It’s like a massive hole in your life and all sorts of shared experience that is no longer accessible. In my case, I threw myself into my work, but when my job evaporated without warning, I went through many of the same things you mention. Some days, merely opening one piece of mail was about as much as I could accomplish.
We are emotionally driven creatures. Even when we are behaving rationally, we still rely on emotion to impel us through even the most mundane of of tasks. Here’s the problem, all of us recharge our emotional batteries in two ways. One way is solitude. At times we need to be away from others and have some time to ourselves. But even relatively introverted people still require social interaction to recharge our emotional batteries. I know that this has certainly proven true with me.
Interestingly, in our day of mapping brain activity, they have found that even casual interaction with relative strangers “lights up” the same places in our brain as interaction with loved one. It isn’t as intense, but even a pleasant exchange with a relative stranger at least gives us a little emotional boost, and that helps. It also adds up quickly. A number of small exchanges really do recharge the batteries.
My job, involved interacting with people who were having specific problems related to our network. It was rarely face to face, and frequently on another continent, but it was still interaction, and I came away feeling that I had helped someone. When I lost that, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and the beginning of a dark experience. I recall one day when I was so isolated, I drove nearly 50 miles just to visit a shopping mall and be in the company of someone; anyone.
I’ve turned it around by some simple steps. I started by having a routine of going out for breakfast, one day per week. Same restaurant, same waitress, same meal, but it’s a routine. A familiar face and the sense of being recognized is the important thing. I also have several other routines, such as grocery shopping, where I keep it consistent as to time and place. I try to exercise daily, and the weather here usually cooperates. All of these are things I look forward to.
I’ve sought out connections with former coworkers, etc. Just today, I met friends for lunch at a restaurant, up in the city. It helps; every little bit of it. As I understand it, loneliness can be helped greatly by the feeling that you have a place where you belong. The blog helps, but even if it’s as simple as dropping into a coffee shop at a regular time, it will help.
Time will help too, and keep in mind that whatever we experience now pales in comparison to the blessings to come. “Do not marvel at this, for an hour is coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his voice and come out, those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil to the resurrection of judgment.” John 5:28-29 ESV
I don’t claim to be the judge, but everything I knew about Lee would suggest that Lee was a man who had “done good” with his life and that he would certainly not face negative judgment. He encouraged me, when it came to spiritual things. I came here after reading a News With Views column, but I stayed because of the community of good people who followed Lee’s writings, his columns and his blog.
You’ll be ok. You truly will.