Enhance your Columbus Day gifting experience by not giving anyone any of the following books.
Mike Phosphate, International Man of Action by Rob Darrida. “Pretty wretched,” says Book Beat. “Made me want to give up reading,” says The New York Biscuit Guide. Mike Phosphate is a secret agent working to foil the world domination schemes of Banksters Inc. He also has to deal with Reptiloids, seductive robots sent out by the Trilateral Commission, and a bouncing paycheck. The dialogue is unendurable. “Hi, Mike. Do you think I’m sexy?” “Back off, Barby Bismuth! I know Col. Bogoff programmed you to say seductive things…”
Honest, This Time We Really Will Keep Our Promises, Please Trust Us One More Time by Sen. John McCrock. The former GOP presidential candidate pleads with the American people to give the Republican Party one more chance to actually do something besides imitate Democrats. Foreword by outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner, with a form you can send in to get an autographed crying towel.
Heaven is All About You! by Rev. Priestess Suzy Kazooty. “Do you want to know what Heaven is like?” says the author, on the cover blurb. “I’ll tell you! It’s part theme park, part casino, part country fair, and all about Y-O-U! God set it all up just for you. And it’s already waiting for you–the fun can’t start until you get there! And best of all, it’s yours whether you believe or disbelieve, it’s yours no matter what you’ve done on earth! Because Jesus loves you just the way you are!”
Don’t Slip and Fall into Hell! by Rev. Priestess Suzy Kazooty. From the author’s cover blurb: “What could be sadder than trying all your life to do enough good works to earn your way into Heaven, and then not making it because you’re one work short? Something to think about while you’re suffering eternal torment! But you don’t have to be caught short. Here’s a fool-proof way to find out in advance exactly how many good works you have to do to get to Heaven…”
The Rune-Quest of Paazishaazi by Herb Gardner. Follow the adventures of 9-year-old Hilary DeBlasio as she kung-fus her invincible way through hosts of villainous Orcs and Trolls and Bad Guys, outfoxing the evil T-Party every step of the way, seeking for the Magic Rune which, if recited correctly, will free her whole world from all the evil forces that ravage it; but, if recited incorrectly, will accomplish nothing at all.
Here are books that will well reward the reader who avoids them. Be sure not to read them today! Or any other day, come to think of it.