Some Books for You to Avoid

Enhance your Columbus Day gifting experience by not giving anyone any of the following books.

Mike Phosphate, International Man of Action by Rob Darrida. “Pretty wretched,” says Book Beat. “Made me want to give up reading,” says The New York Biscuit Guide. Mike Phosphate is a secret agent working to foil the world domination schemes of Banksters Inc. He also has to deal with Reptiloids, seductive robots sent out by the Trilateral Commission, and a bouncing paycheck. The dialogue is unendurable. “Hi, Mike. Do you think I’m sexy?” “Back off, Barby Bismuth! I know Col. Bogoff programmed you to say seductive things…”

Honest, This Time We Really Will Keep Our Promises, Please Trust Us One More Time by Sen. John McCrock. The former GOP presidential candidate pleads with the American people to give the Republican Party one more chance to actually do something besides imitate Democrats. Foreword by outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner, with a form you can send in to get an autographed crying towel.

Heaven is All About You! by Rev. Priestess Suzy Kazooty. “Do you want to know what Heaven is like?” says the author, on the cover blurb. “I’ll tell you! It’s part theme park, part casino, part country fair, and all about Y-O-U! God set it all up just for you. And it’s already waiting for you–the fun can’t start until you get there! And best of all, it’s yours whether you believe or disbelieve, it’s yours no matter what you’ve done on earth! Because Jesus loves you just the way you are!”

Don’t Slip and Fall into Hell! by Rev. Priestess Suzy Kazooty. From the author’s cover blurb: “What could be sadder than trying all your life to do enough good works to earn your way into Heaven, and then not making it because you’re one work short? Something to think about while you’re suffering eternal torment! But you don’t have to be caught short. Here’s a fool-proof way to find out in advance exactly how many good works you have to do to get to Heaven…”

The Rune-Quest of Paazishaazi by Herb Gardner. Follow the adventures of 9-year-old Hilary DeBlasio as she kung-fus her invincible way through hosts of villainous Orcs and Trolls and Bad Guys, outfoxing the evil T-Party every step of the way, seeking for the Magic Rune which, if recited correctly, will free her whole world from all the evil forces that ravage it; but, if recited incorrectly, will accomplish nothing at all.

Here are books that will well reward the reader who avoids them. Be sure not to read them today! Or any other day, come to think of it.

Why ‘Trump is Winning’ is No Mystery

Isn’t it cozy, how President *Batteries Not Included and Speaker John Boehner can play golf together while our country turns into mush?

Watching the pinata game that is the Republican presidential nominating process, I find it amazing that the GOP bigwigs do not begin to understand how mad we are at them.

So they resort to pigs’ entrails and Tarot cards to try to explain “the Trump phenomenon.”  Let me see if I can make it simple for them–so simple, even a Republican big shot can understand it.

Guys, last November you told us you would stop Obama if we voted for you, so we did–handed you both houses of Congress. And then you turned around and spat in our faces. So we still have Obamacare and a ruptured southern border, and in addition to those, now we have homosexual pseudomarriage as “the law of the land” (without any law being passed) and an insane policy of helping Iran acquire nuclear weapons.

We do know that Donald Trump is not a “movement conservative,” whatever the dickens that is. What we do not know is what, if anything, “real conservatives” have been conserving lately.

Well, guys, we’ve had it. We’re not going to let you wipe your shoes on our faces anymore. We’re fed up with John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, the whole Bush gang, John McCain, and all the rest of them.

So we’re going to put Donald Trump in the White House, just to show you we can do it. He can’t possibly be anything but an improvement over what we’ve got now. But here’s what you Republican big shots must understand:

We support him because he’s not you.

We do not like what our leaders have allowed to be done to our country over the past seven years. We want it un-done. We want it scrapped and thrown away.

We reject you because you have been Obama’s accomplices.

It’s up to you to convince us that any of you should ever again be entrusted with a public office. I don’t know how you’re gonna do that, but you’d better think of something.