From The Bayshore Independent June 25, 1980
Summer vacation is almost here, but with the cost of gasoline dizzyingly high and sure to go even higher, many of us will have to get used to the idea of enjoying a vacation without going anywhere.
All is not lost, however. You don’t have to go anywhere to have a ripping good time in High Suburbia. Here are a few suggestions on how to have fun this summer without setting foot off your own property.
- Watch television Remember, standard TV fare gets a little worse each season, so summer’s the best time to watch it. Glut yourself on reruns before the new shows are aired in the fall. Find out what you’ve been missing all year. I once sat down to an evening of television. I sat through several hours of shows I had never seen before and have never seen since. I am a better person for it. TV watching can be a family activity, however much tastes may differ. Don’t argue. Each night, let a different member of the family choose all the programs. Everybody else is honor-bound to watch; no copping out allowed.
- Let the house go to seed. So many suburbanites, if they don’t go anywhere during the summer, feel obligated to spend all their leisure time fixing up the house. Why not save all that work for the fall, when it’s not so hot outside? Why sweat blood toiling over paint-scraping, shingle-sanding, and lawn mowing? Just for a change of pace, sit back and watch the place deteriorate. Let the weeds conquer the lawn. Let the paint peel. Let the kids’ toys lie where they fall. Let the neighbors complain. Indoors, do the same. Wash dishes only as needed; the others can wait patiently in the sink. Give the vacuum cleaner and the dust cloth a vacation. Don’t make the beds. Do your laundry only as a last resort. You can make a regular game of ignoring the laundry. The rules are simple: No washing clothes until all the clothes in the house are used up. You’ll be surprised at some of the things you’ll wind up wearing. So will your friends and in-laws, but to hell with them. Come autumn, the family can rally and clean the property from top to bottom. Meanwhile you’ve reasserted your rightful authority as owner of the home. Too many suburbanites allow their homes to own them. Property must be taught a lesson once in a while.
- Get drunk. Who said you had to spend your summer vacation sober? If you’re not going to be driving anywhere, what’s to stop you from getting smashed any time you please? I”m not talking about your genteel cocktail party drinking that goes on in suburbia all year; nor do I hold with furtive, private drinking. I’m talking about above-board, two-fisted overt debauchery. Order a keg of beer, set it up on your lawn, and have the neighbors over for a bash. Set it up like a frat party, with chugging contests and other inane stunts which these stockbrokers and insurance execs haven’t tried since their college days. Let all vestiges of middle-class decorum dissolve in a welter of Schlitz! If a fight breaks out, so much the better. Two unarmed drunks never seriously hurt each other. If the party’s a success, nobody will remember who was fighting. All they’ll remember is that you showed them a good time and they owe you one.
- Hold political coffee klatches. Traditionally, local election campaigns don’t heat up until September; but that doesn’t mean you can’t get the jump on everybody else. No politician can resist an invitation to a coffee, as long as you can guarantee a roomful of potential voters. But what if you’re not the least bit interested in local politics? What if you despise all the people who are? If you find politics unbearable, you can have even more fun with a coffee than people who are obsessed with politics. Simply invite a like-minded crowd and scheme to make it hot for the politicians. Admittedly, this is a low sort of recreation at the expense of others. So what? The purpose of a vacation is to relax, and there’s nothing more relaxing than to act out the aggression you’ve been suppressing all year.
- Eat. The money you save by not going on vacation can be squandered at the dinner table. Forget about your diet. When was the last time you sat down to a real feast and stuffed yourself until it hurt? You can always start jogging again in September, when the weather is cooler. Revel in steamed clams, corn on the cob, ice cream, barbecued ribs, hot dogs and hamburgers, cold soda and lemonade, watermelon and Italian food. Belch loudly. Have seconds of everything. If you eat a big enough dinner, you’ll be too sleepy to be bored afterward.
- Gamble. If you’ve got the bucks, but still want to be a good citizen and conserve gasoline, blow your wad at the poker table. If you’ve already bought your groceries for the week, and you’re saving money by not driving your car and not painting your house, nothing’s to prevent you from playing acey-deucey and matching the pot on a king-three split. To be sure, it’s agony when you lose; but it’s ecstasy when you win. It’s easy to have fun. All you have to do is drop a few inhibitions.
