Just For Fun: Courtroom Clangers

KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by  court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:     I forget..

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do..

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.

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ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS:      He’s 20 , much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?

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ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?

WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?

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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death..

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

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ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:     Oral…

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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No..

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

About leeduigon

I have lived in Metuchen, NJ, all my life. I have been married to my wife Patricia since 1977. I am a former newspaper editor and reporter. I was also the owner-operator of my own small business for several years. I wrote various novels and short stories published during 1980s and 1990s. I am a long-time student of judo and Japanese swordsmanship (kenjutsu). I also play chess, basketball, and military and sports simulations. View all posts by leeduigon

18 responses to “Just For Fun: Courtroom Clangers

  • Erlene Talbott

    These things make you laugh…then, you stop and think; these are
    actual situations which occurred in real courtrooms. That is not a
    matter for humor when you think about it. We should try to take care
    to not find ourselves in situations requiring a courtroom appearance at
    the mercy of an attorney such as these examples.

  • lauraeandrews

    That last one was the best one 😀 Too funny. Where’d you find these?

  • lauraeandrews

    Erm, never mind. I just realized that it said where these quotes came from. 😛

  • Phoebe

    I actually have this book, and a couple of others like it. No matter how many times I pull the books out and reread them, I crack up all over again. (Which sounds messy, but it’s just a metaphor.) I especially love the ones about the autopsies.

  • Linda Sorci

    Hilarious! And to think I worked for attorneys – which means I can verify that some are really that stoopid lol.

    Reminds me of the hilarious misprints that sometimes wind up in church bulletins.

  • Evelyn

    Thanks Lee. I needed that!

  • Unknowable

    I love that last one.

  • marlene

    LMAO!!! Got me started:
    .
    But i’m only 42, replied the lawyer. St. Peter looked puzzled. That’s strange, he said. We figured you were at least 95 from the hours you billed.

    An elderly woman paid $100 to a lawyer for drawing up her will. After she left, the lawyer discovered she had actually given him two $100 bills stuck together. This raised the ethical question: should he tell his partner?

    Judge: Gentlemen, I have in my pocket two bribes – a draft from the plaintiff for $5,000 and a draft from defendant for $3,000. I propose to return $2,000 to the plaintiff and decide this case on its merits.

  • marlene

    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    How can you be so sure, doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

  • marlene

    A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a man along the road eating grass.

    Disturbed, he asked the man “Why are you eating grass”? Man replied “I don’t have any money for food. I have to eat grass.

    Lawyer: Well then, come with me to my house and i’ll feed you. “But sir, I have a wife and 2 children with me.”

    Lawyer: Bring them along. They all entered the car.

    The man said “Sir you are too kind.”

    Lawyer: You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

  • Joshua M. Swanson

    So funny! Laughable! 😂

  • inamcdougallhotmailcom

    Seem these before but I still lauged.

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