KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20 , much like your IQ.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
These things make you laugh…then, you stop and think; these are
actual situations which occurred in real courtrooms. That is not a
matter for humor when you think about it. We should try to take care
to not find ourselves in situations requiring a courtroom appearance at
the mercy of an attorney such as these examples.
In a situation such as these, sometimes you have to laugh–or else you’ll cry.
That last one was the best one 😀 Too funny. Where’d you find these?
These were sent courtesy of Erlene Talbott, a frequent visitor to this site.
Erm, never mind. I just realized that it said where these quotes came from. 😛
De nada!
Great stuff.
I actually have this book, and a couple of others like it. No matter how many times I pull the books out and reread them, I crack up all over again. (Which sounds messy, but it’s just a metaphor.) I especially love the ones about the autopsies.
Hilarious! And to think I worked for attorneys – which means I can verify that some are really that stoopid lol.
Reminds me of the hilarious misprints that sometimes wind up in church bulletins.
Thanks Lee. I needed that!
I love that last one.
LMAO!!! Got me started:
.
But i’m only 42, replied the lawyer. St. Peter looked puzzled. That’s strange, he said. We figured you were at least 95 from the hours you billed.
An elderly woman paid $100 to a lawyer for drawing up her will. After she left, the lawyer discovered she had actually given him two $100 bills stuck together. This raised the ethical question: should he tell his partner?
Judge: Gentlemen, I have in my pocket two bribes – a draft from the plaintiff for $5,000 and a draft from defendant for $3,000. I propose to return $2,000 to the plaintiff and decide this case on its merits.
These are great!
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
OOPS!! Delete this.
A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a man along the road eating grass.
Disturbed, he asked the man “Why are you eating grass”? Man replied “I don’t have any money for food. I have to eat grass.
Lawyer: Well then, come with me to my house and i’ll feed you. “But sir, I have a wife and 2 children with me.”
Lawyer: Bring them along. They all entered the car.
The man said “Sir you are too kind.”
Lawyer: You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.
So funny! Laughable! 😂
Seem these before but I still lauged.