After 30 years of fruitlessly campaigning to have hop-scotch made an Olympic sport, Dr. Earwig Nitwit has found another great cause to which to dedicate himself.
We caught up to the unemployed professor of Gender Studies in front of a home in his neighborhood, where he has been protesting all day long.
“These people, they leave the light on till late at night, and they have three kids!” Nitwit said. “They eat meat, and the male adult smokes. They are guilty of Crimes Against the Planet! They are fomenting Climate Change! Wahhaaagh!” At this point we had to terminate the interview because Dr. Nitwit fell down and pink foam boiled out his mouth and ears.
“The president’s speech yesterday really inspired him,” said a neighbor. “Listen, I don’t suppose you could, well, sort of take him away from here? And leave him somewhere…”
Just then the guy from the U.N. Climate Change Panel came along with a stretcher crew, and they packed Nitwit off to his new post as Gender Specialist for Climate Change. His salary will be $666,000 a year.
“What we want,” said the U.N. guy, “is a climate that never, never, never changes! That’s what we’re shooting for.”
God help us.