Dear King George:
Today we celebrate our forefathers’ Declaration of Independence from you and Great Britain. We are sorry to hear that your spirit is uneasy on this day.
We apologize to you for declaring independence, shooting up your army, depriving you of your American colonies and their revenue, and making you look weak and incompetent in the eyes of the world. Heck, all you wanted was a stamp tax and a tea tax.
We apologize for doing you all those injuries, when today we lie down on our backs for insults and injuries to which you never would have dared subject us, for fear of God’s wrath and the contempt of civilized people everywhere–insults and injuries done us by our own elected officials. Remember how we demanded our own representation? You must be laughing yourself silly, to see how that turned out!
We stood in arms against you when Britain was the greatest military power in the world. Now we tamely submit to indignities that it never, ever would have occurred to you to subject us to. We grovel before homosexuals, feminists, illegal aliens, welfare queens, community organizers, and other low forms of life. Maybe if you’d sent over a regiment of poofs and pansies instead of the Hessians and the Royal Navy, you might have won the war in a matter of days.
But be comforted, old boy–as much as we wronged you, we wrong ourselves the more.