A Bone to Pick with the Mummy

Not that this is a burning issue; but then I’d rather not get involved with burning issues on the Lord’s Day.

No–this concerns mummy movies. Not the newfangled ones with computer-generated cheesy effects, body builders, and whatnot. I love the old mummy movies, in black and white, from the 1940s. The original, starring Boris Karloff as The Mummy, from 1932, is a classic work of cinematic art. The sequels are, well, mummy movies. I make no apology for liking them. The ones with Lon Chaney Jr.,  The Mummy’s Hand, The Mummy’s Tomb, The Mummy’s Ghost (even though there’s no ghost in it)–a wonderful addition to our culture.

Nevertheless, there is one thing about all these mummy movies (except the first one) that kind of bugs me.

How do people ever manage to get themselves caught by the Mummy?

I mean, the Mummy’s not exactly Carl Lewis, is he? He shuffles, wobbles a bit, and is so, so sloooooow. If you sent him to the corner store for groceries, you’d starve before he ever got back.

In addition to being slow, he is also clumsy and awkward. He never has full use of his left arm, so he shuffles toward you with his right arm extended so as to strangle you with one hand. And no one ever gets away! You’d think someone would eventually get the idea to take a sword or something and chop off the one arm the Mummy can use. What could an armless mummy do to you?

But no–a mummy victim never has a chance. Most of the victims just raise their hands, even though the Mummy has not said “Stick ’em up,” and back up into the wall, or fall down, and just get strangled. Like, why not, uh, run away? Even Chris Christie could ran away from the Mummy. The few victims who do try to run away, always make a beeline for the nearest blind alley, from which there is no escape.

Again, it’s not a burning issue. It’s just a little thing that bothers me, as Columbo would say.

Ah! For the day when I can settle back and watch Columbo vs. the Mummy


Leave a Reply