Another Movie For You to Avoid

“Evolution strikes back”–is that what happened here? I don’t know what we ever did to Evolution to deserve this movie.

I don’t ask a lot from a Saturday afternoon movie. All I want is to relax my brain. I mean, I’ll put up with actors in gorilla suits, special effects that wouldn’t mystify a toddler, and a storyline featuring characters who get killed off one by one because they don’t have the sense God gave an umbrella stand.

This past weekend we blundered into a movie that has all of the above: The Lost Tribe, made just a few years ago and starring nobody. The screenplay was a jumble of The Predator and a lot of Friday the 13th movies, with a dash of The DaVinci Code thrown in to make it really intolerable.

Let me set it up for you. There’s an archeological dig on an uninhabited island somewhere; and they find a fossil that turns out to be–you guessed it–The Missing Link. Says a scantily-clad girl scientists, “Uh-oh! Why, this proves that God did not create man! Wow, if the Church ever finds out about this, we’re dead!” But of course the Vatican already has an inside man on every little scientific expedition, just in case; and of course the Church sends in a team of sadistic hit men to murder all the scientists… and then a bunch of yuppies is shipwrecked on the island, and the Missing Links go after them…

Time out! Darwinists, is this the best that you can do? Or is this just Hollywood numbskulls taking yet another mindless, gratuitous slap at Christianity because they can? Maybe they think homosexuals or the government can give us eternal life, so who needs God? But trying to decipher the inner workings of reprobate minds is hardly a rewarding pastime.

The story is buttressed by a massive pile of inanities. Like, hey, something really nasty is stalking us, so let’s go wandering around the jungle all alone. Let’s not use our life raft to get off this lousy island. And after the monsters kill off everybody but the last surviving woman, who has already taken a worse beating than any Timex wristwatch, she… well, she just loses her cool and yells at the monsters, and they all run away: this after they’ve wiped out a whole Vatican death squad armed with automatic weapons.

It’s worth your while to avoid The Lost Tribe at all costs.

And if you want to thank me for this timely warning, just buy a whole bunch of my books.

13 comments on “Another Movie For You to Avoid

  1. Well that is a switch – I think I enjoyed your review better than I would have the movie. Maybe you can branch out into movie reviews? Some form of “if you have a brain don’t waste it on this” factor for each one? Its always good to hear your written voice – in this world and time where 60 char texts are trying to rule, and we all seek the most condensed sound and video bits – its beginning to be difficult to find someone who can say a few paragraphs that get to the point but don’t ramble or fill just for numbers. I think the many blogs which are trying to have original content by cloning and then rewording someones else’s original text are a bad trend. I saw several videos this last week about programs to help automate such plagiarism. Sad.

  2. Haven’t you seen the help-wanted ads? “Wanted, amoral serial killers to pose as archaeologists and infiltrate archaeological digs in order to suppress evidence of any missing links discovered. Flex time and full benefit package, including absolution for any mortal sins committed while on the job.” 🙂

  3. So yelling at monsters drives them off, hmm? I wonder whether banging pots and pans together would also work. How about saying, “Shame, shame, everyone knows your name” or “You’d better stop or I’ll tell Susie not to be your friend”?

    Did they get kindergarten kids to write the screenplay, or what?

    1. “Did they get kindergarten kids to write the screenplay, or what?”

      They asked some, but none were willing to sacrifice their dignity to that degree. 🙂

  4. Who is Evolution anyway? Let’s see; He’s really old, really intelligent, really weird, operates by chance & accident, but is not worthy to be self-consciously worshiped by His believers – or is He?

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