Category: Movie Reviews

Another Movie For You to Avoid REPRINT

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“Evolution strikes back”–is that what happened here? I don’t know what we ever did to Evolution to deserve this movie.

From July 14, 2014

I don’t ask a lot from a Saturday afternoon movie. All I want is to relax my brain. I mean, I’ll put up with actors in gorilla suits, special effects that wouldn’t mystify a toddler, and a storyline featuring characters who get killed off one by one because they don’t have the sense God gave an umbrella stand.

This past weekend we blundered into a movie that has all of the above: The Lost Tribe, made just a few years ago and starring nobody. The screenplay was a jumble of The Predator and a lot of Friday the 13th movies, with a dash of The DaVinci Code thrown in to make it really intolerable.

Let me set it up for you. There’s an archeological dig on an uninhabited island somewhere; and they find a fossil that turns out to be–you guessed it–The Missing Link. Says a scantily-clad girl scientist, “Uh-oh! Why, this proves that God did not create man! Wow, if the Church ever finds out about this, we’re dead!” But of course the Vatican already has an inside man on every little scientific expedition, just in case; and of course the Church sends in a team of sadistic hit men to murder all the scientists… and then a bunch of yuppies is shipwrecked on the island, and the Missing Links go after them…

Time out! Darwinists, is this the best that you can do? Or is this just Hollywood numbskulls taking yet another mindless, gratuitous slap at Christianity because they can? Maybe they think homosexuals or the government can give us eternal life, so who needs God? But trying to decipher the inner workings of reprobate minds is hardly a rewarding pastime.

The story is buttressed by a massive pile of inanities. Like, hey, something really nasty is stalking us, so let’s go wandering around the jungle all alone. Let’s not use our life raft to get off this lousy island. And after the monsters kill off everybody but the last surviving woman, who has already taken a worse beating than any Timex wristwatch, she… well, she just loses her cool and yells at the monsters, and they all run away: this after they’ve wiped out a whole Vatican death squad armed with automatic weapons.

It’s worth your while to avoid The Lost Tribe at all costs.

And if you want to thank me for this timely warning, just buy a whole bunch of my books.

Don’t Give These Videos as Gifts! REPRINT

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From December 22, 2019

 

Killer Quokkas!

Any time is a good time not to give the following videos as gifts!

Killer Quokkas, starring Chips Rafferty, Michael Caine, and Hedy LaMar. Quokkas are on the rampage, threatening to depopulate Australia. Only Hedy LaMar knows how to summon Godzilla from Monster Island–and she won’t tell, because she’s mad at Michael Caine.

(Byron the Quokka: “I resent this movie!”)

Only Slightly Better than Garbage: Join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, washed-up football flop Colin Whatsisname, and the entire cast of The View in listing all the ways America sucks, all the ways Venezuela is better, and all their excuses for not going to live in Venezuela and bother us no more.

Eat Like a Cat! Cult documentary filmmaker Dolph Magnoon teaches you how to save money on your groceries by eating cat food in very small quantities and being hungry all the time. Special guest star: dietary expert Chelsea Clinton.

My Shameful Secret, a Swedish movie made by carpenter ants, stars a Howard Cosell look-alike whose speech is so garbled that even dubbing and subtitles can’t make him understood. To protect his life and property, his name has been removed from the credits. As to what the shameful secret is–well, we never find out, do we? You will be so sorry you paid $2.98 for this video disc!

There, you’ve been warned.

 

The Best Made-for-TV Movie Ever REPRINT

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From June 21, 2013

It may be you’ve never heard of this gem: The Brotherhood of the Bell, starring Glenn Ford and Dean Jagger, with a blow-the-doors-off supporting performance from William Conrad. It was broadcast back in 1970, and my wife had to work hard to add it to our video collection. But now it’s available on youtube, and anyone with a computer can see it.

One of my readers informs me that the United States government, society, and economy is run entirely by the Skull & Bones fraternity, out of Yale–doubtless with a little help from the Trilateral Commission, the Bilderbergers, the Masons, Opus Dei, Mystic Knights of the Sea, and Lizard People. You all know what I think of conspiracy theories. How, then, do I give a rave review to a movie that’s all about a vast conspiracy?

Well, if you’re gonna go conspiracy, you might as well go in style. The Brotherhood of the Bell is the conspiracy; it doesn’t need any help from any of those others, who are all just amateurs by comparison.

So we have here a tight, suspenseful plot, a great script, and superb acting. Conrad as a talk-show host is just spectacular, Glenn Ford is totally believable as the protagonist whose worldview is shattered when he discovers he’s just been a patsy, all along, and Dean Jagger makes a splendid villain. I don’t think there are any actors anymore like Conrad and Jagger.

If you’ve got 96 minutes to spend on a really cool movie, don’t miss The Brotherhood of the Bell.

REPRINT A Muddled Movie About Something Rather Important

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 From November 10, 2012

Many years ago, I think in an Agatha Christie novel, I encountered an old conscience-teaser (I don’t know what else to call it) that went something like this:

You get your heart’s desire; but to pay for it, a Chinese mandarin must die.

There’s the temptation. If this person were to die in the normal course of events, you’d never even know it. He’s a perfect stranger on the other side of the world. His life would seem a small price to pay for fame, fortune, love, health, or whatever else might head your crave list.

But the catch is that you know that as soon as you get your wish, an innocent man will die because of it.

Which was the inspiration for The Box (2009) by Richard Kelly, starring Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, and Frank Langella. A married couple very badly needs a break, and Frank Langella shows up on their doorstep with a box. If they push the button on the box, they get a million dollars in cash… but someone they don’t know dies.

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A TV Show That Stands Tall for Christ REPRINT

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From December 10, 2013

Martin Shaw, one of our favorite actors, a few years ago produced and starred in a remarkable TV series which we’ve just viewed on youtube.

Apparitions tells of the struggles of a Catholic priest (Shaw) forced by circumstances to become an exorcist, again and again. This is not every Christian viewer’s cup of tea, but stay with it: there’s a payoff.

As played by Shaw, the priest stands tall for his faith, uncompromisingly committed to God. He delivers lines, one after another, that go off like depth charges, way down there where it counts, devastating the smug secular mindset. And at the same time, he projects gentleness and love.

Only Martin Shaw can play the role like that.

British TV, even more than American TV, has a habit of idly, routinely demeaning Christianity and Christians.Politically correct screenwriters, who would dive into quicksand before they even whispered a discouraging word about Islam or Wicca or whatnot, seem to feel obligated to spew venom at the Body of Christ. Some do it casually; others with a dark gusto.

I loved the way Shaw confronted this head-on. That took courage.

It’s sad that it takes courage, these days, to speak up for Christ in what was once a Christian country.

But I suspect God likes lean, courageous Christians better than flabby, silent, timid ones.

 

‘Jurassic Park’ or Laurel and Hardy? REPRINT

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From May 12, 2013

Which movie is a more telling metaphor for the secular humanist enterprise–Jurassic Park or Laurel and Hardy in The Music Box?

In Jurassic Park we see what happens when very smart people with unlimited money behind them think that if they spend enough money, and employ powerful technology, they can do anything, no matter how impossible it seems. Says the park’s owner, John Hammond (played by Richard Attenborough), “Creation is an act of will!”

Well, yeah–if you’re God. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of idiots playing God and getting into trouble. Hammond’s motto is, “We spared no expense.” As if you could buy omnipotence.

In The Music Box–released in 1932, and going on to win an Oscar–Laurel and Hardy have to transport a piano to a house located atop a very long and very steep flight of concrete steps. Actually, this could have been done fairly easily. But Stan and Ollie continually create their own problems, defeating themselves at every turn. It’s only 30 minutes long, and if you haven’t seen it, you’ve missed one of the funniest half-hours ever filmed.

But the lesson is that problems that could be solved don’t get solved–not when the people handling those problems are nitwits. With God all things are possible. With the current leaders of the Western world, no things are possible.  Laurel and Hardy’s piano-moving business has expanded to branch offices in Washington, Brussels, Peking, and every other world capital. What they did to Billy Gilbert‘s living room, their descendants in Congress are doing to our national economy.

Every so often, the wheels fall off the humanist go-kart, and we get a world war or a depression. Sorta like the dinosaurs getting loose in Jurassic Park and eating everybody. And what do we hear from our leaders? The same as we hear from John Hammond: “Next time it’ll be perfect!”

And if that doesn’t work, they can always fall back on, “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”

Lessons from ‘A Christmas Carol’ REPRINT

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From December 21, 2014

There are a few purists among God’s people–who are my brothers and sisters, so don’t think I’m trying to throw brickbats at them–who don’t like Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol or its many incarnations into film. But here we watch our favorite movie versions every Christmastide: and really, I can’t think of any piece of fiction that more faithfully teaches Bible truths concerning Christmas.

We should all watch these more attentively–in addition to always spending time in the Bible text itself. If you’re reading Scripture daily, then Christmas will come more than once a year.

Consider George C. Scott’s Scrooge: could anyone be more cold-heartedly obnoxious? Or Alistair Sim’s Scrooge in the immortal 1950 classic: he is more creatively, exuberantly nasty than the others. And don’t forget, from farther back, Reginald Owen. His Scrooge is just plain flat-out mean.

All are horrible individuals (even though they’re all meant to be the same person). Not only bad, but taking a perverse pride and pleasure in their badness. Anyone can watch these performances and feel superior. “At least I’m not that bad!”

A Christmas Carol is not about Santa Claus and shopping and presents. No, it gets to the heart of the matter, it shows us why the Son of God came down from Heaven, why the Word of God had to be made flesh. For the business at hand, then and now, was the business of Redemption.

God has made Jesus Christ to be for us, because we can attain to none of these ourselves, wisdom and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption (I Corinthians 1:30). And what Dickens and his movie-making successors are telling us is that, if God can redeem and regenerate such a rotten, heartless, sinful soul as Scrooge, He can redeem us, too. The Holy Spirit of God can cleanse the human heart. The Son of Man hath power on earth to forgive sins (Matthew 9:6).

Want to hear some good news? We are not stuck with who we are! Or rather, who we have become, indulging sin and folly in a fallen world. We are not stuck with that at all.

For the Lord hath spoken it.

And this little story of A Christmas Carol has put it into English.

 

A Gloriously Silly Movie REPRINT

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From July 14, 2013

Looking for something to take your mind off bad news? Not that you’re going to ignore it, but if you’re like me, you need a break sometimes. Well, here’s a classic film that just might do the trick.

For pure inane tomfoolery, you can’t beat Beat the Devil (1954). Starring Humphrey Bogart, with Jennifer Jones, Gina Lollobrigida, Peter Lorre, and Robert Morley, directed by John Huston, with a screenplay by Huston and Truman Capote, this film is living pr0of that it takes a lot of talent to create something truly ridiculous. Which, by the way, Huston and Capote were trying to do on purpose. Which is one reason (besides losing a lot of money on the deal) Bogart disliked the finished product and called it “phony.”

But it’s the army of goofy characters in the background, actors you never heard of, who turn this movie into a triumph. Whether it’s the enormously fat, self-important chauffeur, or the drunken, apoplectic sea-captain, or the bewildered bartender, these bit-players are riotously funny. As great as the regular cast is, the nobodies practically steal the show. They are most emphatically not phony.

A good laugh is medicine. And boy, if you don’t need a laugh these days, you’ll never need one. If it was Robert Morley and Peter Lorre trying to steal our country out from under us, we wouldn’t have so much to worry about.

I’m not going to bother with the plot of Beat the Devil because it’s really not important to your enjoyment of the movie. Just sit back and enjoy the daft thing. It’ll do you good.

The Rolls-Royce of Doctor Shows REPRINT

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From December 6, 2014

One of the great things about the Internet is that you can watch TV shows that you missed the first time around.

And so we find ourselves watching House, a series that ran for eight seasons (2004-2012) and 177 episodes, winning cartloads of awards and consistently posting high ratings.

Okay, it’s a doctor show. Like Dr. Kildare and Ben Casey, from my youth. But this one is different because it’s focused on the title character, Dr. Greg House, medical genius, master diagnostician, and total pain in the butt,  played by Hugh Laurie. You’d never guess he was an Englishman. If his face looks familiar, you probably saw him a while ago in some episodes of Blackadder.

Why focus on this character? Because he’s so weird. He won’t obey hospital rules, he doesn’t like anybody, he will freely insult anyone at any time, he’s addicted to pain pills, and he’s brilliant. The show’s creators patterned him on Sherlock Holmes: and if you see a similar quirkiness in Laurie’s Dr. House and Jeremy Brett’s Sherlock Holmes, it’s probably intentional.

Now my wife finds this show richly entertaining because she’s into medical stuff. I’m not. In fact, I don’t even like to think about hospitals and such. Sometimes it seems there are more diseases than there are people, each of ’em just itching to get a crack at you. And when House and his colleagues get to yakking about what’s wrong with the patient, my eyes kind of glaze over. They might as well be talking backwards. Meanwhile my wife is enthusiastically nominating all sorts of diseases that I never heard of as candidates for whatever’s threatening the patient with a quick demise. It’s not unlike watching a football game with an avid and very knowledgeable fan who keeps predicting what play will be called in the huddle and what the defense will try to do about it.

I can’t get into the disease part of the show. But the performances are top-of-the-line and the characters are compelling. Every now and then a patient’s loved one has more than he can take and punches House in the nose. I’m surprised his underlings have never tried to poison him, or at least drained the brake fluid from his car. It makes you wonder why no one ever belted Sherlock Holmes.

Meanwhile, amazon has most of my books for sale with serious discounts. Surprised you with that, didn’t I? Just the kind of nervy thing that House might do. But it’s true–big discounts on the paperbacks, just in time for Christmas.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just click “Books” and see covers, blurbs, and sample chapters. They’ll speak for themselves.

Before It Evolved into Twaddle…REPRINT

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From March 27, 2019

My wife and I like watching videos of prehistoric animals. Usually we can just tune out the Evolution just-so story that accompanies the video, if the visuals are cool enough.

So we settled down on Youtube to watch Morphed: Before They Were Bears.

Apart from the initial absurdity of declaring that life arose from non-living materials, purely by chance, it rained on de rocks and de rocks come alive, doo-dah, doo-dah, we were treated to unbearable nonsense about… bears. It seems that whenever prehistoric bears encountered some kind of environmental challenge, they wisely considered what they would need and then proceeded to evolve it.

Oh, boy! Whoever said there’s no quality control on Youtube wasn’t kidding!

So, ya see, the giant panda needed an opposable thumb so he could hold on to the bamboo while he was eating it, but the digits he already had were spoken for, so he just, like, went ahead and evolved one of his wrist bones into a kind of thumb… and what he was eating while waiting for his magical thumb to evolve, who knows? If it takes millions of years for revolutionary new body parts to evolve, how does the species last long enough to benefit by it? Or if it happens real fast, then how come no naturalist or farmer or zoo-keeper or pet owner has ever observed it?

This doesn’t even rise to the level of crapola. We couldn’t make it halfway through this video before we had to turn it off.

Darwinism wouldn’t last another ten days if there weren’t such a deep political investment in it by the Left.