Category: Movie Reviews

Blessing ‘The Mummy’s Curse’ From 2015

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Unwinding from a more than usually stressful week, my wife and I resorted to one of our favorite movies–The Mummy’s Curse (1944).

You know what’s really cool about this movie? Virginia Christine‘s performance as “the Princess Ananka.” Try to forget that the screenplay makes no sense whatsoever.

Ms. Christine had a very long acting career in movies and TV. If you’re old enough, you probably know her best as “Mrs. Olsen” in a bunch of Folger’s Coffee commercials. The role of Princess Ananka came quite early in her career, and she just blew the doors off it. Hey, the whole movie’s only 61 minutes long. It’s worth seeing just to watch her first scene.

Yes, I know the storyline of the mummy movies sometimes lapses into incoherence. When we last see them, before this movie, the Mummy and his hapless reincarnated princess are getting sucked into a bog somewhere in New England. In The Mummy’s Curse, the two of them emerge from the mud in Louisiana. If you can explain how that happened, you need to apply for a job as a presidential press secretary.

Anyhow, it’s all in fun–and I don’t think you have to worry about this movie scaring you to death.

A Truly Beautiful Film Reprint from 2013

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One of the gems of our video collection is The Secret Garden (1993), directed by Agniezka Holland and based on the 1910 children’s literature classic by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

It’s a simple story. A little girl whom nobody wants takes over an abandoned garden that nobody wants, and shares it with a little boy whose widowed father is afraid to want him. Out of this comes love, and healing, and redemption.

Those are the things that God does. Throughout the Gospels, most of the actions performed by Jesus are acts of healing. In time, the Bible teaches us, God through Jesus Christ will heal this entire fallen world. We are privileged that, in many cases, God allows us to work with Him and for Him.

This film yesterday brought me to tears. The cinematography is gorgeous, the music score gentle and soul-stirring. Although there is no overt mention of Jesus Christ or Christianity, and even some bits of mumbo-jumbo or “magic” engaged in by the children, the message of the story could hardly be more Christian if it tried.

We are all in need of healing, many of us more than we know. All of Creation is in need of it–and will get it. God has so promised. Meanwhile, there are smaller healings and redemptions all around us. These are, as it were, small down-payments on the larger project: signs that God is nigh, that God is working in His world. He has not forgotten us. He never will.

It’s a rough ride, a lot of the time; but the day of regeneration is at hand and will not be delayed. God has already marked it on His calendar.

 

 

‘Ton Ey Curtus’s Hand!!’ (2017) Joe Collidge Reprint

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See? It is Ether “his” rihght Hand oar his Lefft Hand witch is mising, Alfrid Hich-coke Cut “it” offf whith a soard!!!!

Robbie the cat is lying on top of my notes and I haven’t got the heart to move her. This vintage “Joe Collidge” piece is the only title peeking out from under the cat.

Well, we can always use a good laugh. It’s a gift from God.

Ton ey Curtus’s Hand!!

And now the cat gets up and walks away!

Happy Sunday, everybody.

 

Another Movie For You to Avoid REPRINT

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“Evolution strikes back”–is that what happened here? I don’t know what we ever did to Evolution to deserve this movie.

From July 14, 2014

I don’t ask a lot from a Saturday afternoon movie. All I want is to relax my brain. I mean, I’ll put up with actors in gorilla suits, special effects that wouldn’t mystify a toddler, and a storyline featuring characters who get killed off one by one because they don’t have the sense God gave an umbrella stand.

This past weekend we blundered into a movie that has all of the above: The Lost Tribe, made just a few years ago and starring nobody. The screenplay was a jumble of The Predator and a lot of Friday the 13th movies, with a dash of The DaVinci Code thrown in to make it really intolerable.

Let me set it up for you. There’s an archeological dig on an uninhabited island somewhere; and they find a fossil that turns out to be–you guessed it–The Missing Link. Says a scantily-clad girl scientist, “Uh-oh! Why, this proves that God did not create man! Wow, if the Church ever finds out about this, we’re dead!” But of course the Vatican already has an inside man on every little scientific expedition, just in case; and of course the Church sends in a team of sadistic hit men to murder all the scientists… and then a bunch of yuppies is shipwrecked on the island, and the Missing Links go after them…

Time out! Darwinists, is this the best that you can do? Or is this just Hollywood numbskulls taking yet another mindless, gratuitous slap at Christianity because they can? Maybe they think homosexuals or the government can give us eternal life, so who needs God? But trying to decipher the inner workings of reprobate minds is hardly a rewarding pastime.

The story is buttressed by a massive pile of inanities. Like, hey, something really nasty is stalking us, so let’s go wandering around the jungle all alone. Let’s not use our life raft to get off this lousy island. And after the monsters kill off everybody but the last surviving woman, who has already taken a worse beating than any Timex wristwatch, she… well, she just loses her cool and yells at the monsters, and they all run away: this after they’ve wiped out a whole Vatican death squad armed with automatic weapons.

It’s worth your while to avoid The Lost Tribe at all costs.

And if you want to thank me for this timely warning, just buy a whole bunch of my books.

Don’t Give These Videos as Gifts! REPRINT

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From December 22, 2019

 

Killer Quokkas!

Any time is a good time not to give the following videos as gifts!

Killer Quokkas, starring Chips Rafferty, Michael Caine, and Hedy LaMar. Quokkas are on the rampage, threatening to depopulate Australia. Only Hedy LaMar knows how to summon Godzilla from Monster Island–and she won’t tell, because she’s mad at Michael Caine.

(Byron the Quokka: “I resent this movie!”)

Only Slightly Better than Garbage: Join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, washed-up football flop Colin Whatsisname, and the entire cast of The View in listing all the ways America sucks, all the ways Venezuela is better, and all their excuses for not going to live in Venezuela and bother us no more.

Eat Like a Cat! Cult documentary filmmaker Dolph Magnoon teaches you how to save money on your groceries by eating cat food in very small quantities and being hungry all the time. Special guest star: dietary expert Chelsea Clinton.

My Shameful Secret, a Swedish movie made by carpenter ants, stars a Howard Cosell look-alike whose speech is so garbled that even dubbing and subtitles can’t make him understood. To protect his life and property, his name has been removed from the credits. As to what the shameful secret is–well, we never find out, do we? You will be so sorry you paid $2.98 for this video disc!

There, you’ve been warned.

 

The Best Made-for-TV Movie Ever REPRINT

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From June 21, 2013

It may be you’ve never heard of this gem: The Brotherhood of the Bell, starring Glenn Ford and Dean Jagger, with a blow-the-doors-off supporting performance from William Conrad. It was broadcast back in 1970, and my wife had to work hard to add it to our video collection. But now it’s available on youtube, and anyone with a computer can see it.

One of my readers informs me that the United States government, society, and economy is run entirely by the Skull & Bones fraternity, out of Yale–doubtless with a little help from the Trilateral Commission, the Bilderbergers, the Masons, Opus Dei, Mystic Knights of the Sea, and Lizard People. You all know what I think of conspiracy theories. How, then, do I give a rave review to a movie that’s all about a vast conspiracy?

Well, if you’re gonna go conspiracy, you might as well go in style. The Brotherhood of the Bell is the conspiracy; it doesn’t need any help from any of those others, who are all just amateurs by comparison.

So we have here a tight, suspenseful plot, a great script, and superb acting. Conrad as a talk-show host is just spectacular, Glenn Ford is totally believable as the protagonist whose worldview is shattered when he discovers he’s just been a patsy, all along, and Dean Jagger makes a splendid villain. I don’t think there are any actors anymore like Conrad and Jagger.

If you’ve got 96 minutes to spend on a really cool movie, don’t miss The Brotherhood of the Bell.

REPRINT A Muddled Movie About Something Rather Important

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 From November 10, 2012

Many years ago, I think in an Agatha Christie novel, I encountered an old conscience-teaser (I don’t know what else to call it) that went something like this:

You get your heart’s desire; but to pay for it, a Chinese mandarin must die.

There’s the temptation. If this person were to die in the normal course of events, you’d never even know it. He’s a perfect stranger on the other side of the world. His life would seem a small price to pay for fame, fortune, love, health, or whatever else might head your crave list.

But the catch is that you know that as soon as you get your wish, an innocent man will die because of it.

Which was the inspiration for The Box (2009) by Richard Kelly, starring Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, and Frank Langella. A married couple very badly needs a break, and Frank Langella shows up on their doorstep with a box. If they push the button on the box, they get a million dollars in cash… but someone they don’t know dies.

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A TV Show That Stands Tall for Christ REPRINT

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From December 10, 2013

Martin Shaw, one of our favorite actors, a few years ago produced and starred in a remarkable TV series which we’ve just viewed on youtube.

Apparitions tells of the struggles of a Catholic priest (Shaw) forced by circumstances to become an exorcist, again and again. This is not every Christian viewer’s cup of tea, but stay with it: there’s a payoff.

As played by Shaw, the priest stands tall for his faith, uncompromisingly committed to God. He delivers lines, one after another, that go off like depth charges, way down there where it counts, devastating the smug secular mindset. And at the same time, he projects gentleness and love.

Only Martin Shaw can play the role like that.

British TV, even more than American TV, has a habit of idly, routinely demeaning Christianity and Christians.Politically correct screenwriters, who would dive into quicksand before they even whispered a discouraging word about Islam or Wicca or whatnot, seem to feel obligated to spew venom at the Body of Christ. Some do it casually; others with a dark gusto.

I loved the way Shaw confronted this head-on. That took courage.

It’s sad that it takes courage, these days, to speak up for Christ in what was once a Christian country.

But I suspect God likes lean, courageous Christians better than flabby, silent, timid ones.

 

‘Jurassic Park’ or Laurel and Hardy? REPRINT

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From May 12, 2013

Which movie is a more telling metaphor for the secular humanist enterprise–Jurassic Park or Laurel and Hardy in The Music Box?

In Jurassic Park we see what happens when very smart people with unlimited money behind them think that if they spend enough money, and employ powerful technology, they can do anything, no matter how impossible it seems. Says the park’s owner, John Hammond (played by Richard Attenborough), “Creation is an act of will!”

Well, yeah–if you’re God. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of idiots playing God and getting into trouble. Hammond’s motto is, “We spared no expense.” As if you could buy omnipotence.

In The Music Box–released in 1932, and going on to win an Oscar–Laurel and Hardy have to transport a piano to a house located atop a very long and very steep flight of concrete steps. Actually, this could have been done fairly easily. But Stan and Ollie continually create their own problems, defeating themselves at every turn. It’s only 30 minutes long, and if you haven’t seen it, you’ve missed one of the funniest half-hours ever filmed.

But the lesson is that problems that could be solved don’t get solved–not when the people handling those problems are nitwits. With God all things are possible. With the current leaders of the Western world, no things are possible.  Laurel and Hardy’s piano-moving business has expanded to branch offices in Washington, Brussels, Peking, and every other world capital. What they did to Billy Gilbert‘s living room, their descendants in Congress are doing to our national economy.

Every so often, the wheels fall off the humanist go-kart, and we get a world war or a depression. Sorta like the dinosaurs getting loose in Jurassic Park and eating everybody. And what do we hear from our leaders? The same as we hear from John Hammond: “Next time it’ll be perfect!”

And if that doesn’t work, they can always fall back on, “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”

Lessons from ‘A Christmas Carol’ REPRINT

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From December 21, 2014

There are a few purists among God’s people–who are my brothers and sisters, so don’t think I’m trying to throw brickbats at them–who don’t like Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol or its many incarnations into film. But here we watch our favorite movie versions every Christmastide: and really, I can’t think of any piece of fiction that more faithfully teaches Bible truths concerning Christmas.

We should all watch these more attentively–in addition to always spending time in the Bible text itself. If you’re reading Scripture daily, then Christmas will come more than once a year.

Consider George C. Scott’s Scrooge: could anyone be more cold-heartedly obnoxious? Or Alistair Sim’s Scrooge in the immortal 1950 classic: he is more creatively, exuberantly nasty than the others. And don’t forget, from farther back, Reginald Owen. His Scrooge is just plain flat-out mean.

All are horrible individuals (even though they’re all meant to be the same person). Not only bad, but taking a perverse pride and pleasure in their badness. Anyone can watch these performances and feel superior. “At least I’m not that bad!”

A Christmas Carol is not about Santa Claus and shopping and presents. No, it gets to the heart of the matter, it shows us why the Son of God came down from Heaven, why the Word of God had to be made flesh. For the business at hand, then and now, was the business of Redemption.

God has made Jesus Christ to be for us, because we can attain to none of these ourselves, wisdom and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption (I Corinthians 1:30). And what Dickens and his movie-making successors are telling us is that, if God can redeem and regenerate such a rotten, heartless, sinful soul as Scrooge, He can redeem us, too. The Holy Spirit of God can cleanse the human heart. The Son of Man hath power on earth to forgive sins (Matthew 9:6).

Want to hear some good news? We are not stuck with who we are! Or rather, who we have become, indulging sin and folly in a fallen world. We are not stuck with that at all.

For the Lord hath spoken it.

And this little story of A Christmas Carol has put it into English.