If you’re like millions of Americans these days, you probably need a job. Here are the five cushiest jobs you could ever hope to get. I have not listed “TV News Anchor” because, although it’s a ridiculously easy job–the stories you report don’t have to be true–you can’t get it if you’re fat or funny-looking. So here are the top five.
1. U.S. Senator. Absolutely, positively the easiest job on earth. It pays well, and the opportunities to pick up extra money by selling your vote are limitless. Best of all, the job carries with it not a shred of responsibility. Just vote “present” if you can’t make up your mind.
2. President of the United States. Now that it’s been established as an entry-level job which anybody, and I do mean anybody, can hold–hey, what are you waiting for? Vacations galore, all paid for by the taxpayer, unlimited free golf, and countless opportunities to make speeches that don’t have to make any sense. You just can’t do it worse than it’s being done now.
3. Oil Sheik. Once you’re in (that’s the tricky part, I must admit), all you have to do is funnel those petrodollars into your secret Swiss bank account and spent all your time lounging around the best hotels in Europe. It’s best not to spend much time in your sheikdom, though, in case there’s a revolution.
4. Professor of Women’s Studies at any University. You can stand up in front of your class and speak in tongues every day, and it won’t be any less valuable than the actual curriculum. If you’ve got tenure, you’re set for life. You can even perform Feminist Music to your class every day, and not get fired.
5. Diversity Consultant. Does anybody know what this job actually entails? Does anybody care? This is another one of those jobs which it’s literally impossible to do badly. Or to do well, for that matter. It’s no harder than being a mummy, and it pays better.
Feel free to add to this list, dear readers–in case I’ve missed a good one.