When lavishly-paid football player Colin Whatsisname made world news by refusing to stand for America’s national anthem–because, you see, this is an oppressive country, a real racist hell-hole–he inspired a great philanthropic endeavor: the Fund for Oppressed Professional Zillionaires (FOPZ).
All over this evil land, millionaire celebrities are feeling oppressed. Even the president feels oppressed, no matter how many opulent taxpayer-financed vacations and getaways he takes.
Well, FOPZ is going to do something about it! We want our rich and pampered athletes, entertainers, and government big shots to feel happy and contented. It’s just not enough for them to be rich and powerful and famous. We want them to be happy, too.
So here’s the deal. The dollars that you contribute to FOPZ will be used to purchase some of those hateful ordinary working people for use as human sacrifices. Yes: those nasty little nobodys who pay Colin Whatsisname’s salary, and pay for the president’s vacations, each month one of them will be sacrificed upon an altar, the ashes to be put in plastic vials and sent to whatever celebrities are feeling oppressed lately.
Whether you’re a multimillion-dollar athlete, rock star, rap artiste, reality show star, or government official, FOPZ is dedicated to easing your feelings of oppression by catering to your sense of entitlement.
Hey! You’ll run out of money before we run out of little people to sacrifice.