Byron’s TV Listings, July 31

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here on behalf–where did that word come from?–of Quokka University, where we find the world’s best forgotten TV shows for your weekend viewing orgies.

I’m sorry, there seems to be something wrong with my choice of words today. Here are a few samples from this weekend’s menu.

2 P.M.   Ch. 00   ANDY PHNUGLUIH–Variety

The public has always wondered why Andy Phnugluih, with all his talent, never became a major star. A few episodes of this show might suggest an explanation. This week’s guests: Col. Wxha Bochgeshvili, Susan Mfoyay.

Ch. 07   SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN–Western

Travel the Wild West with the only magician in Oklahoma Territory who can make his enemies think they’re axolotls! This episode: When the Tumorville Bank is robbed by real axolotls, Sheriff Witless (Andrew Cuomo) turns to Schmendrick (Andy Devine)… as the fall guy! Ma Bell: Sophia Loren

2:16 P.M.  Ch. 12   PEOPLE NAMED AFTER CARTOON CHARACTERS–Morbid Nonsense

Join host Chiang Kai-shek as he journeys all over Cartoon County, Kansas, to interview unfortunate  persons actually named Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Sylvester Pussycat, Elmer Fudd, etc. This week’s question: What happens when a cop writes you a speeding ticket and asks your name? Featuring Artie the Hamster and his orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   HAWAIIAN EYEBALL–Mystery

Detective Oswin Prong (Andre the Giant) solves crimes by peering through keyholes! This week: When crime boss Wan Hung Lo (Danny Kaye) threatens to “hang a lulu on Honolulu,” Police Chief Jack Benny (Jack Benny) resigns and Prong has to take his place. This brings on a spell of horrendous weeping. Spectacularly special guest star: Wanda Hershberger.

Ch. 34   PUPPET HOME REPAIRS–Educational

In this new PBS series, the Bil Botch Marionettes demonstrate assorted home repairs: how to clean up bloodstains, how to avoid hanging a door upside-down, the ins and outs of outdoor plumbing, what to do when you’ve been electrocuted… The puppet crew features Footra the Ballarina, Binx the Irascible Centipede, and Bungo the Klutz. Special guests: the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, there you have it! Stock up on tasty leaves and settle in for entertainment like you never believed was possible.

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The Weding ‘Of’ The Centchurie!!!!

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Boy did i herd Grate Noose “this” moarning!!!!! I think “it” was on CNN or mayby sombplaice Elsse!!

Get this!!! HILLERY CLINTON AND JOBYDIN THAY are GETTTING MARRYED!!!!!!!!!!

Not ownly “that”!” Oncet thay are Marryed, thay boath “Will” be Pressadint!!!!! Haow grate is that??!!?

Somb Hater Biggit he sayed But “that caint Be,, becose thay” are “boath awlreddy Marryed to somb-one Elsse!!!!” So we got himb kicked Out “of” Collidge!!!!! It “is” Oh K for Hillery “and” Jo to get Marryed becose It Is Foar “The” Goood Of The Contry,, Stoopid!!! It is a Merjincy Marridge!!!!! So putt That! in yore Pupa and Smoak It!!!

I awlyaws Knowed that somb Day Hillery she wood “be” Pressadint!!!!!! Nhow that weave “Got” Co-Vid that stopid Racist Constatittusion it doughnt Mater enny moar!!!! Fromb nhoaw On we whill Do “watt-ever” it taiks to maik Socile Jutstus!!!!!!!!!! And enny boddy thay doughnt lyke it, whell thay Beter “get” reddy for “the” Goo Log!!!!!!!!

And we whil alll Get Freee Tooission!!!!!!!!!!!

((Mayby we “can” Get Pressadint Obomma back tooo!!! Hoap And Chains for evver!!!

 

‘Happy Dependence Day!’ (2018)

See the source image

I admit that with this satire, I sailed pretty close to the wind. I didn’t really mean to, at the time. Just three years ago–it seemed so far out, then. But not to everybody.

Happy Dependence Day!

Leftids are wiping out our civilization, inch by inch, day by day. But that’s okay–their plans to replace it with Utopia can’t possibly fail. Just as soon as they finish shooting people…

A Romantic Interlude (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Crusty's Trombone Lessons ('Oy, Rodney') – Lee Duigon

Introducing Chapter CDXXXV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular chides her readers for demanding more romance.

“You’d think they’d be satisfied,” she writes, “with a cyclops rampaging about the countryside while the town awaits the delivery of sea monkeys–but no, that’s not good enough! They want this to be a kissing book–ugh! Well, if it’s kissing they want, it’s kissing they’ll get!”

Patching up a lover’s quarrel caused by a difference of opinion between their respective invertebrate pets, Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, embarks on a hot and heavy smooching session with Lady Margo Cargo, Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s financier. (Shouldn’t that be “fiancee”?) Now that she’s fitted herself with a new upholstered wooden leg, Lady Margo is hot to trot (“You have no idea how distasteful it is to me to have to write such tripe,” Violet interjects.) In the course of this athletic love-making, Lady Margo’s wig falls off, her glass eye pops out, and Twombley’s six-gun slips out of the holster and into Oswin the Crayfish’s aquarium.

“It’s not cheating,” explains Ms. Crepuscular, “because Lady Margo is convinced that Mr. Twombley and Lord Jeremy are the same person. All attempts to demonstrate otherwise have failed so far–but at least her conscience is clear.”

Here she terminates the chapter before things get out of hand.

As for the cyclops, “If nobody cares about him tossing people’s cottages around like basketballs,” Violet concludes, “well, isn’t that a sad commentary upon our time?”

She will spend the rest of the day consoling the neglected cyclops.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 24

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1966

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of spectacular television brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where these programs came from! It’s a state secret.

Here are a few examples. Happy viewing!

8 P.M.  Ch. 04  CELEBRITY PHILOSOPHY–Drivel

Join host Mickey Rivers as he grills celebrity guests on the great questions of life! If I’m not me, then why do I look like me? Do bookcases know they’re bookcases? Is free will compatible with high fashion? Panel: Phil Silvers, Paul Lynde, Charo, Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and his orchestra.

Ch. 08   HILLBILLY SKIN DIVERS–Drama/Geography

Grampa Hooty (Emmanuel Kant) continues his search for the Lost Appalachian Ocean, only to learn that those pesky Hatfields and McCoys have stolen his aqualung. Possum Hatfield: Jacques Cousteau. Grannie Bogoljubov: Vanna White. With stock footage from Col. John D. Craig.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 22   YAN CAN’T COOK–Exotic Cookery

Chef LeRoy “Frenchy” Yan tries his hand at Lake Victoria gnat pie, but all the gnats escape into his kitchen. The mossbunker cakes don’t turn out so well, either. Special Guest: the woman from the local board of health.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   CRIMINAL COPS–Police Drama

Lake Apocalypse Police Chief Bruce Loose (John Candy) encourages his officers to rob the 7-11 before the local criminals can get around to it. “Eventually they’ll go straight because everyplace has already been robbed,” the reasoning goes. Deputy LaFong: John Cassavetes. Joey the Clam: Richard Burton.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Science Fiction/Melodrama

In “I Cover the Beehives” (1958), rogue entomologist Jane Payne (Greta Garbo) tries to romance reclusive philanthropist Zane Grayne (Ray Milland) by cross-breeding killer bees with grizzly bears–with predictable results! Song: “I’ve Got Zits”

And there you have it, boys and girls! We have discovered that no less a personage than Frankie Poppadoppoulos tunes in here every weekend. Who would’ve thought it?

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‘The’ Tyme It Has Cumb Foar Freee Tooisshin!!!!!!

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Collidge it costs A Lott “of” Munny and that “is” Nott Fare!!!! Collidge Tooisshin it shood “be” Freee! becose evvry One thay has got “togo” to Collidge! It is a nassescity!!!!!!

So our Stoodint Soviet we hadded “a” meating tooday and voated foar Freee Tooisshin!!!!! Fromb nhow On yiu doughnt has to Pay “to” has a collidge eddicasion!!

Of coarse our Prefesters and evry boddy elst thay “has got To” be payed!!! so thay can Re-tire wen thare 40 (fourty) and has “Nice Pentions”!!” So we aslo voated that the collidge Albumin thay has to Pay!!! And then somb Hater Biggit she sayed “Butt thats not fare,, thay” “all-reddy payed wile thay was heer!!””!! So we beet her Up and putted her in Sensertivvaty Traning!!!

And becides witch, “The” Guvvermint thay can Pay!!!!!!! Like, awl thay has to Do “is” prindt Moar Munny and givv it “to” the Collidges!!! And aslo “thay” can has a spatial Tacks on Wite Peeple tooo!!!

And aslo we voated evvry boddy thay has “to” urn a Sirtiffikit of Divercity in odor to gradurate “and” Natcherly alll “of us” in the Soviet we ottomattockly gets ours up frundt!!!! I meen, lyke, if We “arnot” Divers, whoo is???

Sea Monkeys vs. Cyclops (‘Oy, Rodney’)

39 Romance novel cover parodies ideas | romance novel covers, romance, book  humor

(Hooray! We’ve got our book cover back! It seems they listened when Mr. Pitfall showed up with a shotgun.)

You may remember, from Chapter CDXXXIII of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, that there’s a cyclops on the loose in Scurveyshire. It’s the result of another one of those pesky curses laid on Scurveyshire by the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. This cyclops has already picked up a whole cottage and tossed it into a nearby pond.

Ah! But Johnno the Merry Minstrel has discovered that cyclopses (cyclopes? aw, who knows) are deathly afraid of sea monkeys. “All we have to do,” he explains in Chapter CDXXXIV, “is confront our cyclops with an army of sea monkeys.”

Amazing Sea Monkeys sea-monkey Mom, Dad,Sister, Brother Figures by : Doll  Hugs Shop | Ruby Lane

Ms. Crepuscular complains that the above picture is much too large for her book and wants it removed. Well, she brought up the whole subject of sea monkeys, didn’t she?

“I had sea monkeys when I was eight years old,” she says, “and they were just the cutest little brine shrimp! My favorite was a shrimp named Ernest Sturdivant–and he didn’t look anything like what they showed on the box.”

But there’s a problem in Scurveyshire–the pet shop’s out of sea monkeys. “We’ll have to send away for some,” exfoliates Johnno. “There’s a store in Paraguay that specializes in them. Allow 16 weeks for delivery!”

“That’s a lot of cottages uprooted and destroyed,” gripes Lord Jeremy Coldsore, justice of the peace.

The solution is to erect a gigantic billboard announcing the eventual arrival of more sea monkeys than you can shake a stick at. It is hoped the cyclops will read it and get out of Scurveyshire while the gettin’s good.

(“These fools are ruining my romance!” complains Ms. Crepuscular. But it’s all her fault.)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 17

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

It’s much too hot to go outside and play Squamish today! G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples guaranteed to whet your appetite!

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   NUDE FLY FISHING–Sports

Join our Nobel Prize-winning hostess, Rigoberta Menchu, for celebrity nude fly fishing! Guests: Honus Wagner, Debbie Reynolds, Chet Huntley. With the June Taylor Dancers. This week’s surprise–an alligator where they least expect it.

Ch. 11  TRASH TALK–Educational/Boring

Host Harry “Mr. Boredom” Grubstake and guest Charo discuss how archaeologists three thousand years from now might mistake our landfills for random heaps of junk. With Bertrand Russell and his kazoo orchestra.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 02   MR. GOGGLE–Children’s Show

[Note from Byron: You wouldn’t believe what we went through to get this one!]

Mr. Goggle is the monster whose bloodshot right eye is three times the size of his squinty left eye; and when he peers into bedroom windows, children wake up screaming. Banned from 50 different networks when it debuted in 1957! Condemned by act of Congress! Watch at your own risk.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 44   UNSUNG OPERAS–Educational/Musical

Just because they never made it to any opera house doesn’t mean that these were shoddy operas! This week, from Mongo High School in New Jersey: Il Provalone, by Chuck Worst–sung by the cast of Gilligan’s Island, conducted by the high school janitor because the real conductor never showed up. Don’t miss Bob Denver’s aria, Vado al Teatro, Fettuccine!

8 P.M.  Ch. 16   MR. DOOFUS–Sitcom/Tragedy

When every single one of his students fails the math section of the SATs, Mr. Doofus (Brian Blessed) gets a trophy from his teachers’ union. Meanwhile Ms. Scatterby (Heather Locklear) takes a course on “How to Infuriate People.” Mr. Screwtape: Andy Griffith. A Giant Squid: a giant squid.

Well! That should get you cranking! This is Byron, signing off.

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Themb Dam Catts!!!!!

Raging cat pulls down man's trousers and attacks his dog after they got too  close to her kittens

The catts thay Tryed “to” pull my Pance down tooo!!!!

I hadded a horrabull Time “this” moaning, a hole buntch “of” Catts thay chaised me “al Over the” kampas;, i think It “was” becose of my Moth Antenners thay thawt I was “a” bigg Moth and whanted “to” eet me!!!! Sombtimes it “is” Nott So Goood to be shot up full “of” Moth Hoarmoans,, it was saposed to Trans-foam me into a Wimmin but awl it done “was” maik me groh Moth Antenners!!!

I gotted awhay fromb “the” Catts jist In Tyme to heer too-day”s Lexture in Nothing Studdies it was awl abuot Math and how Math it is Racist!!!! Like frinstints yiu “Are” saposed to say 2+2 it maikes 4 ownly That Is Racist!!!! BECOSE 2 AND 2 IT DOUGHNT MAIK 4 FOR PEEPLE OF CULLER!!!!!!!!!! For themb “it” maiks 3!!!!!!

Math it is Racist becose themb ryte ansers thay “Are Not” ryte afftar awl,,, that are “Ownly” Yuro Sentrick!!!

And then somb Biggit Hater she sayed “Whell then waht abuot themb Hindoo-Arrabick nombers witch We “use” tooo?? Doughnt that meen Math it is “the” saimb for themb as it Is foar Us???”” So we beet her Up and the prefesster she sayed Wyte Peeple THAY STOLE THEMB HINDOO-ARRABICK NOMBERS fromb the Hindoo-Arrabick Peeple in Porchagul or somb-plaice,, IT IS ‘CULCHURUL Appropation!!!!!!!!!!!!”!” And whe shood Give themb Nombers backk to thare ryteful Oners!!!

“The Bottumb Line she sayed is that 2+2 it” is a Culchural Con-Struck and it doughnt meen “nothing at awl” and 2+2 maikes Whattevver yore Culchure seys it maikes!!!! “Iff I wuz yore Math Prefester and yiu gived me One “of” thoze Ryte Ansers I wood mark it Rong and Fale yiu and yiu wood wyned Up “in” Anty-Racist Trayning””!!!””

For Sale, Cheap! Hunter Biden Art Knockoffs

stick-figure noun - Definition, pictures, pronunciation and usage notes |  Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary at OxfordLearnersDictionaries.com

We know you can’t afford a genuine Hunter Biden masterpiece to hang in your living room. Like, who has half a million dollars? Well, the enthusiastic buyers do, but we haven’t been told their names.

But all is not lost! Snorty Artistic Enterprises Inc. has a whole collection of genuine imitation Hunter Biden art works, including his immortal “Stick Man/Stick Woman.”

Imagine being able to pick up one of these for a mere $25! We are sorry that The Big Guy won’t get his $2.50, but that’s Snorty’s problem, not ours. (Be careful answering your door, guys!) And best of all, each painting features an incoherent scrawl that you can say is Hunter Biden’s signature!

Show your love for Big Brother by spending money on the closest you’ll ever come to Big Brother’s famous nephew.

And remember–the Justice Dept. is watching you!