Category: satire

The Singing Millipedes (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Okay, The Queen of Suspense, Violet Crepuscular, is up and around again and ready to go back to finely crafting her interminable–sorry! Immortal! I meant immortal–historical romance, Oy, Rodney. 

When we last checked, most of Scurveyshire’s pressing problems simply evaporated while Ms. Crepuscular was in bed with the collywobbles. She says she felt better and got up when she heard the millipedes sing.

“What did they sing?” asked the editor who should have known better. He had a feeling the answer was going to be Anchors A-Weigh. 

But Violet is already off on another track.

“Last week, you will recall, I mentioned a guy from the collection agency who got run over by a truck,” she writes. “I case you were worried, I can tell you that he wasn’t badly injured, just a little problem with the coccyx. But I felt badly for him, so I decided to include him in my book. Here you will get to know him as Squire Gervais Pong, formerly of the Isle of Wight, former explorer of The Land of Great Big Salamanders, now settled in Scurveyshire as a beloved money-lender: the loan shark with the heart of gold!”

Popular demand will not allow her to distance herself from the millipedes.

“They’re singing The Curse of an Aching Heart–all right? You got a problem with that?” She is losing patience with her readers. “They really don’t deserve me!” she says.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 2

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend full of spectacular TV. And “gamblers junkets”–isn’t that disgusting? Stay home and watch TV instead!

7:01 P.M.  Ch. 16   BOXING IN WHICH NO ONE GETS HURT–Preposterous

No one gets hurt if there’s only one boxer in the ring! How do they avoid making it boring? The boxer is hypnotized to believe that vampires are closing in on him.  Don’t laugh: former heavyweight contender Gilbert Funzy split his pants and had to go into therapy for six years! Play-by-play: Deepak Chopra.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 22  JIMBO THE ELECTRIC EEL–(Don’t ask)

What happens when a full-grown electric eel takes up residence in a California swimming hole? Results can be shocking! Tonight: Jimbo the Eel (Claude Akens) tries to befriend Richard Simmons (himself)–but only succeeds in shocking him into a coma. Dr. Bango: A woman who sort of resembles Doris Day, but without the teeth.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 41  NEWS FOR COMPULSIVE LIARS

None of the reports is true–but that’s why people like ’em! Amaze your friends, if you can tell the difference between this and the regular nightly news! Heck, it took the networks four months to discover that this show’s “Dan Rather” was actually a dummy.  Tonight: Feel-good lies about our horrible economy. Commentary by the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Beto O’Rourke stars as “Pud Zanger” (New Zealand/Spanish, 1961: 12 minutes), the detective who is supported by donations from the city’s criminal class, who recognize him as the worst detective ever. Tonight: Pud is stumped by a case of jaywalking; meanwhile, a bloodthirsty monster (Ellen Whatsername) has devoured 250 citizens without getting caught. Song: “My Coccyx Lies Over the Ocean.”

How about that, boys ‘n’ girls? Have we got fantastic TV, or have we got fantastic TV?

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - Quokka, Animal, Herbivorous

Make sure you pick plenty of nice green leaves for tonight’s viewing.

Our Criptical Drag Kween Shortidge!!!

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100+ Classroom Pictures | Download Free Images on Unsplash

“Take” a goood loook at this hear em-tee Class Roomb!!! This is waht hapens wen yiu has Got “a” Drag Kween Stoary Hoar and no Drag Kween showes Up!!!!

And Wye, yiu deemanned, wasnt There “no” Drag Kween???

Becawse thare “issnt enuough” Drag Kweens to go araound!!!! Becawse thay’se all gawn To alimentary skools and loacle Liebaries!!!!! And “thare” aint enuough Lefft to has Drag Kween Stoary Hoar heer “at” Collidge!!!!!!

Our hole contry it has got “a” Drag Kween shoartidge!!! And I doant Cair “waht” yiu Say,, us stoodints heer At Collidge we “dezerv” our Drag Kween Storie Hower tooo!!!!! Iff we didd, that thare Class Roomb it wood “be” full!!

Wye dint “the” Guvvermint provyde Moar Drag Kweens?? (Sumb Boddy sed thay shiped a lott “Of” themb to Youkrane butt i doughnt beleave It!) Haow cood This “shortidge” Ockur??? O shur,, the dee-mand it “is” Very Hi!@! Butt iff we caint fyned enuough Drag Kweens to mete “The” dee-mand,, waht dose That “say” abuout Amairicka?? Eh???

We nead The Guvvermint “to” sine Up moar Drag Kweens!!! Prinnt sumb moar Munny and pay themb to go to awl The collidges!!!!!!

‘Dare to Be Nuts’ (2020)

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jitka on Twitter: "this picture proves that the straight jacket napoleon hat combo archetype is not something I imagined. it's real… "

Three years have gone by, and there are still positions in the government open to certifiable lunatics. And idiots, too!

Dare to Be Nuts

You think it can’t be done? Ha! Ask around Congress: you’ll think you’re lost in space! Some of these people would put their pants on backwards if you let them. And then there’s the administration itself!

Make sure you’ve got the papers to prove you’re crazy–and then get busy. These days there’s always room for another nut in government.

Scurveyshire at Peace, Sort Of (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigonPosted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Somehow all of Scurveyshire’s most pressing problems went away while the author, Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, stayed in bed. June Taylor Dancers, rampaging rhinoceros, all that other stuff–now that we’re being pushed into Chapter DCLXXXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, it’s all given way to peace and quiet. “You can hear the millipedes sing,” writes Ms. Crepuscular. She’s out of bed now.

“I am sure many of you have noticed,” she writes, “that if you can duck certain problems long enough, they evaporate. Just poof, they’re gone! Like that lout from the collection agency who was bugging me so much. They said he got run over by a truck.”

This sets the stage, she explains, for the resumption of preparations for the wedding of Lady Margo Cargo and Lord Jeremy Coldsore.

Uh… How does some guy from the collection agency getting hit by a truck set the stage for a wedding in Scurveyshire?

“This is what I deal with all the time!” expostulates The Queen of Suspense. “People are determined not to understand what you mean! But I will not write down to their level! Pulitzer Prize committee be damned!”

We ‘Give’ Thancks to Pressadint Obomma!!!

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1,720 Pumpkin Statue Images, Stock Photos, 3D objects, & Vectors | Shutterstock

We hadded a toatilly Un-Nessasairy contrav (I doughnt know haow “to” spel the Rest) hear at Collidge becose sumb Hater thay spyed “On” our Stodint Soviet Thancks-givving!!!

We awl “got” togither to Givv thancks and prey to Pressadint Obomma,, we hoalded Hands “and” dantsed Aruoung his Stachoo!. Mayby yiu ree-memmber a wile Ago the Hedd it fell Off “the” stachoo and we cuddnt gloo It “back” On so we putted A Punkin thare in-stedd, like yiu Can “sea” in the Pixture!!

Awlso we want to has a stachoo of Pressadint Jobydin “so” we can warship himb Too butt we are Out “Of” punkins but mayby we can Use “a” Graipfroot for his Hedd. Sumb boddy thay whil has to “draw a Faice” on itt!!!!!

Dowsing for Dinosaurs!

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Dowsing: The Pseudoscience of Water Witching | Live Science

You can dowse for water, oil, or buried treasure. So why not dowse for dinosaurs?

2,012 Digging Dinosaur Bones Images, Stock Photos, 3D objects, & Vectors | Shutterstock

See all the nice dinosaur fossils down there in the ground? But how would you know where to dig without a dowser? You can’t just start digging in any old place and hope you find a fossil. Believe me, I’ve tried that. It didn’t work when I was seven years old and it won’t work now.

Dowsing has been sneered at as “pseudo-science,” but it’s every bit as credible, reliable, and respectable as “climate science” and “gender studies.” In fact, probably much more so. And cheaper, too.

But of course They have never given dowsers a chance to dig up dinosaurs. I wonder if they’d give transgender dowsers a try. It would be “hate” if they didn’t.

 

The Funniest ‘Joe Collidge’ Ever

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I Wanted to Be Superman. I Failed. | Psychology Today Ireland

I happened to encounter this post yesterday. Was that the one with all the funny comments? Yes, it was–“Souper Man He Is Woke!!!” And not to blow my own horn, but it gave me a laugh and I think it’ll do the same for you.

Souper Man he Is Woke!!!!

Really, I’m so tired of superheroes! And movies based on comic books. It tires me out just to know there are people “studying” this **** in college, and paying wheelbarrows full of money for the privilege.

Readers’ Letters to The Queen of Suspense (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigonPosted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, is sorry she threw open the door to readers’ suggestions for Chapter DCLXXXVI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Here are a few samples smuggled out of the house before she could delete them. (“I am buying an alligator to guard my home at night!” she warns the public. “Break in at your own risk.”)

From Poona, Ohio: “Why don’t you write about that nice couple on the book cover? Six hundred chapters, and you ain’t giving them a wink!”

Yurm, England: “D’il a-crawly wip al yon leggety scramps!” This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Chakmalmez, Honduras: “There isn’t much romance in your romance! How about some scenes of torrid lovemaking?” (Violet replied to this one, “How about you go skydiving without a parachute?”)

Ongs Hat, New Jersey: “Keep it up, Violet! And while you’re at it, give us a couple of juicy murders, a genius sleuth to solve them, UFOs and aliens, and those things that look like pumpkins!”

Kizzuwatna, Asia Minor: “Go soak your head.”

Violet Crepuscular today is unavailable for comment. It was all we could do to get her to bed last night. Usually she stays up to watch wrestling; but after all those nasty notes and emails, it took a fair among of wrestling to calm her down. We are going to untie her this morning so she can write a little.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 18

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ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels | eBay

(“You will never catch a quokka wearing a rug like that!”)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s awesome TV menu served up to you steaming hot by Quokka University! Here are just a few of these gems:

6:02 P.M.  Ch. 07  THEY CALL IT ‘HAIR’–Celebrity chit-chat

Who’s got the most unconvincing rug in Hollywood? Yeesh, look at that thing Howard Cosell wore in 1988. And they’re worried about women not making it as sportscasters? Try it as a quokka sometime!

6:15 P.M.   Ch. 12  SECRETS OF MY DNA–Science reality TV

How would you like to find out you have horseshoe crab DNA in your body? Join host Polly “the Squid” Amory as she exposes guests as not quite human. Whoever has the wildest DNA wins a part in the new werewolf movie, Lookin’ North and Walkin’ South. 

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 24  NEWS WITH CHILLBLAINS–Experimental

Would TV news be more convincing if the newsies were freezing to death as they reported it? How badly must a reporter’s teeth chatter before he can be credited with inventing a new language? How deep a shade of blue can you get before they have to let you back indoors? Studio located on Solitude Island, Russia… so you know it’s cold up there! Anchor: One of those famous people who sort of disappeared.

7  P.M.   Ch. 46  AT HOME WITH THE SHRIKES–Indefensible sitcom

Reincarnated as human after several lifetimes as savage little birds of prey, Doc and Flimsey Shrike (Walter Brennan, Donna Reed) continue their predatory ways after moving to LaFong Corners, New Jersey. Tonight: Flimsey impulsively devours a Cub Scout leader, necessitating another visit to Jimbo the Lawyer (Gabby Hayes). Special featured attraction: the June Taylor Dancers dance to “Where’s My Coccyx, Sweetheart?”

Well, that’s enough to get you started! Imagine finding out you’ve got spider DNA… and not knowing what kind of spider it is.

 

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! I don’t want to miss ‘The Shrikes’!”

Byron the Quokka signing off.