Church of England’s “Dwindling Congregation”

The Not-the-Church-of-England version

People are booking it out of the Church of England–but not to worry, the Church has got a plan! Simply bring in “gender-neutral” terms for God, and they’ll come pouring back in (https://nypost.com/2023/02/08/church-of-england-might-give-god-gender-neutral-pronouns/). ‘Cause obviously they’re leaving because of all that “Our Father” stuff.

Do I hear Simon and Garfunkel singing The Dwindling Congregation?

“It’s an empty, hollow building, not a celebrant in sight,

And the cobwebs on the windows block out a lot of light.

And there’s no one at the service,

There’s nobody in the pews,

And the preacher stands there, lonely,

He has heard distressing news.

And the dwindling congregation, you can’t hear them say “Amen,”

And they won’t come back again…

 

The ‘State of the Eunuch’ Speech

PHOTO: President Joe Biden stumbles while walking up the steps of Air Force One at Joint Base Andrews, Md., March 19, 2021, for a trip to Georgia.

It’s always better to fall up the stairs than down.

Oh, boy! We have secretly obtained “notes” for SloJo Biden’s “State of the Eunuch” speech tonight. Our source says “The language has to be cleaned up a little before he goes on the air… For instance, we’re recommending that he call it the ‘State of the Union,’ as it’s always been. Still, it’s just about ready.”

Two points stand out. We quote:

“On my watch, more little boys have been castrated than in all our country’s history put together, up till now. This is how we’re fighting Climbit Change!”

And this:

“All that expensive military equipment that we left behind, skedaddling out of Afghanistan with our tails between our legs, will have to be replaced so that we can donate it to Ukraine’s war effort! This means, in a word of just three letters, JOBS! Our economy is booming!”

The president has also learned how to pretend to pull a finger off his hand. “He can hardly wait to perform it while he delivers the speech,” says our source. “He saw it at a party when he was five years old and has finally mastered it himself.”

We’ll probably get in trouble for showing this in advance, but we can’t resist. So here it is.

“Let’s see Putin do that!” the president reportedly declared.

Chapter DXXX–At Last! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

You think it’s easy, being this woman’s editor? Hah! All week long, she’s been sulking. A customer review on some Charlie High-school website called her “Violet Corpuscle” and she couldn’t deal with it.

Nevertheless, somehow Chapter DXXX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, has gotten written. Let Ms. Crepuscular (not Corpuscle) introduce it.

“I am proud to be introducing Chapter DXXX of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney,” she gestures hypnotically, like Mandrake the Magician. For her it doesn’t work.

We were expecting the Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire in this chapter, and for once we got just what we asked for. The Dragon comes out from under the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard and starts frothing all over the place. Lord Jeremy Coldsore and Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad, watch in stunned horror.

“Germy, we got to do somethin’ about this!” says Twombley, balancing his six-gun on a fingertip. This makes Lord Jeremy uneasy. He has already been shot in one foot and has no desire for the experience to be repeated. Meanwhile, Squire Oochy’s greenhouse is buried under dragon-froth.

“Who the devil’s Squire Oochy?” Jeremy wonders.

“Suspense!” exults Ms. Crepuscular. “Tune in next week to find out who the devil’s Squire Oochy!”

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 4

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day out there! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of sustainable TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE TOTALLY PLASTERED 6 O’CLOCK NEWS–News and slosh

Anchorman Poopsie Whippersnapper slurs and mumbles his way through the day’s news as inebriated staffers collide with studio furniture and absent-mindedly start fires. Canadian Mist canceled its sponsorship of this show, but it was quickly picked up by the lesser-known distillery, Old Souse. Sports: Some guy face-down on the floor, we can’t see who it is.

Ch. 51   NEWS FOR SPIDERS–News and commentary

What does the daily news look like to a spider? Anchors Don Fapp and Wendy Bendy, plus all the reporters in the field, wear realistic spider costumes, to reassure real spiders that they have friends in big-time journalism. All news written “with a spidery slant.” Tonight: “Tasty bugs you can catch in the Governor’s Mansion.” Featured: the June Taylor Dancers… with eight legs.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   MISS VIOLET’S KITCHEN–Cooking show

Best-selling romance writer Violet Crepuscular’s real love is gourmet cooking! Tonight she’ll show you “Six Fantastically Creative Uses of Toothpaste”–in cabbage rolls, hors d’ouevres [Search me if I spelled that right!], clam chowder, and three more unexpected dishes. Guest taster: Retired wrestler George “The Animal” Steele.

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   MOVIE OF THE MONTH–Adventure, herpetology

Irving Kallikak stars as actor Burt Lancaster, and Lancaster stars as Irving Kallikak, in Don’t Look Now, But Here Come the Giant Tree Frogs (Indian-Estonian, 2008). A laboratory clean-up goes wrong, and gigantic tree frogs escape to wreak havoc among trees and buildings that can’t support their ponderous weight. General Fizzle: Martin Balsam. Miss Mississippi: Marla Maples. Doc: Joe Pyne. Sneezy: Simon Oakland.

7:30 P.M.  Ch.14   THE SCARLET COCCYX–Historical sitcom

Who is “The Scarlet Coccyx”? The mad bishop (Joey Bishop), the brawling woman with a headache (Patty Duke), the goofy teenage werewolf (Michael Landon)–it could be anybody! This week: Detective Inspector Yogi Shubushu (Matt Damon) thinks he has a clue to The Scarlet Coccyx’s real identity, but nobody cares.

And those shows, boys ‘n’ girls, are just the tip of the iceberg! We’ve been collecting stuff like this from dumpsters all over Rottnext Island.

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island ...

Byron the Quokka–inspecting wheels and signing off!

Syince It Is Jist Moar Wite Strupemmasy!!!

1,019 Mad Science Lab Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Nhaow the Trooth it comes Out!!! Syints it “is” Wyte Strupremmasy in Disskies!+!! And that is “The” reezin I fluncted Kemmistry!!!!!!

Yiu doughnt beleave me??? Well, jist loook “at” that Pixture!!!! That there, it is a Wite gye!!!!!!! It Is a Wyte gye dooing kemmastry!! and thay aslo doo Fizzix tooo!!!!Evry ware yiu look is Wyte Superpremmasy!!!!

Heer “at” “the” Stoodint Soviet,, we has de-sided to Do Sumbthing abuout It!!! We voated to get ridd “of awl” the Syints at This here Yoonavarsitty untill we can has Queer Black Femmanist Syints and “no” Other kyned!!!

And aslo we Are goingto ficks that thare Peeriotic Tabel so it woont “has”no moar Wyte Ellamints!!! Jist Black ones lyke Carbin and that stuph thay put In Penssals!!!!!! This it “Is” Very Good becose it maiks tha Tabel mutch shoarter!!!!! (We Can aslo has Chalklit becose It is a nother Braown Ellamint!)

Fromb naow On we whil Not alouw The Collidge to teetch Any Thing Wyte!!!!!! And we Are aslo whirking On “getting Ridd” of Wyte Payper tooo!!!

Oh, No! A Preposition Shortage!

Commonly Confused Prepositions—In/Into, On/Onto, Between/Among Trinka

The Biden administration is taking firm steps to prevent Western Europe’s damaging preposition shortage from spilling over into the United States.

The preposition shortage is caused by Transphobia, scientists say. Note the illustration above, in which “expect” is offered to us as a preposition in place of “except.” The confusion is increasing!

“We are not going to let this happen here,” said Dr. Imshi Bowwow, recently appointed preposition czar. “If we have to, we’ll make up new prepositions to fill the void left by the others. For instance, if you can’t say ‘Ze is in that room’ because ‘in’ has suddenly dropped out of the language, you can still say ‘Ze zum that room.’

“And if that doesn’t work, we may have to sacrifice a noun or an adverb–whatever it takes! Like, man, we’re already in deep trouble with our pronouns! But it’s not without a silver lining. If people can’t talk, they can’t say bad things!”

And there’s always pantomiming as a last resort, they added. Note the “they.”

So far, Finland has been the country hardest hit. In, at, of, and with are rapidly disappearing from the language. “But at least they’ve got a transgender figure skater!” Dr. Bowwow said. “Maybe the trade-off is worth it.”

(P.S.–They’ve also spelled “across” as “accross.”)

Laying Down the Law (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

This is your editor speaking. For too long we have allowed Violet Crepuscular to abuse our trust. We keep waiting for her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, to break into a plot.

Just look at this mess! A rhino hibernating in back of a chicken coop. A cold snap that freezes everything but the vicar’s backyard wading pool. And Mr. Pitfall face-down on Violet’s living room floor, the victim of a swoon. He was just starting to read Chapter DXXX, she says. Well, we haven’t read it yet!

She addresses the defenseless reader: “The thing is, when you’re writing an epic romance of 500 or more chapters, you can’t just leave Mr. Pitfall lying on the floor. How could I have finished writing Chapter DXXX, when I had to call the UN to come and get Mr. Pitfall? I mean, have you ever tried to telephone those people?!? Ye gods!”

[Editor: Not so fast there, twinkletoes! What about that Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire, that you hinted at last week? Eh? Eh?]

“As for the Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire–” [We’ve got her on the run!]–“I simply have to hold it back for one more chapter. Meanwhile, consult the Ibid Chronicles for the year 457, the year the dragon first frothed. Then you’ll understand!”

[Editor plunges into a fruitless search for the Ibid Chronicles…]

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 28

The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part 9: 1985! | Branded in the 80s

G’day, everybody–Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of life-altering TV programs brought to you by Quokka University. Would you believe these great shows have been left just lying around? Here’s a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 02  CHUCKLEHEAD NEWS–(Self-explanatory)

They’re not the least bit embarrassed by the label “Chucklehead”! This crack news team, assembled by anchor Jimmy Fraud, has a motto: “We’re honest about our dishonesty! We tell the truth about our lies!” Uh, wait a minute… Isn’t that two mottos?

Ch. 08  MOVIE–Apocalyptic vision 

In “The Attack of the Co-ed Dinosaurs” (French-Tasmanian, 1958), they went overboard in the cutting room and tossed out all but 20 minutes of this film–but it’s a great 20 minutes! Eddie Albert stars as a man in a rubber tyrannosaur suit who terrorizes a small town dominated by Rosemary Clooney and her songs. Directed by the United Nations.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  GENGHIS!–Sitcom

Genghis Khan (William Shatner) retires as a world conqueror and moves to Speedwell, New Jersey, to raise guinea pigs. This week: Mrs. Genghis (Jane Austen) and her mother-in-law (Willa Cather) get arrested for practicing alchemy and not getting any better at it. Will the Khan bail them out? Chief Mogan: Liberace. Speedwell Police Force: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 33  SURVIVE IF YOU CAN!–Game show

Follow the fun with emcee Sandy Duncan as contestants are stranded on tiny islands populated by army ants, poisonous snakes, hideous tropical diseases, and ferocious tribes of cannibals–and the one who lives the longest wins a Fogo Industries Prefab Tool Shed!

7 P.M.  Ch. 61  PARANORMAL PETE–Explorations of the unknown

A ghost haunts a stapler; a Good Humor man can’t remember his past life as Brad Pitt; did extraterrestrials build the Macy’s department store in Grogboro, Iowa, that no one else remembers building? Pete Runnels explores these and other unexplained mysteries that no one can figure out! Guest: Susan Duckweed.

Well, there you are! Whoever called TV a vast wasteland obviously never saw any of these shows!

10+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

(I love that bicycle!) Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Awl Secks Is Rihght Secks!!!

Man tied to chair Black and White Stock Photos & Images - Alamy

[If you’re playing “Twisted Titles,” you can change Joe Collidge to Joe Coolidge and maybe come up with a future president.]

Heer at The Stoodint Soviet we has “sallootid” Harverd Med Skool!!! Thay “Are” goingto teech “afurming cair” to “Ethicle Non Monoggamy”!”! Its abuot Tyme sumb boddy thay thinked “of” This!!!!

Wen it combs to Secks, yiu naim it, itts Good!! Even BDSM,, witch meens “”Bondige, Domanation, and Saydo Massakissm”!”!”!! Haow grate is That!?? Yiu naim it, thay whil Afurm It!!!

We hoap this heer it whil leed To “a” Secks Eddacation Expolosion!!!!! The Tyme it has coome foar a Noo Secksile Revvalusion!!!! Awl Secks awl “the” tyme Foar Evvry One!! Thare whil be No Sutch Thing “as” Rong Secks ennymoar!!!! This it has got my Moth Antenners spinnning Whith Ecksytmint!!!! And aslo Eckstacy!!

We “Are” goingto Voat foar “a” New Rool that says yiu Cant Graddurate unlest yiu Has don at leest Fyve (5%&) kyneds Of Secks!!!! Awl diffrint kyneds!! This heer It whil grately maik sirius Progrest in acheeving Socile Jutstus!!!!!!!!

Our Stupid State Dept.

71,119 Fancy Letters Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Sheesh, look at all them freakin’ serifs! You could go blind…

Europe’s on fire with war, Red China wants to invade Taiwan, Brazil’s been taken over by a communist… but our State Dept. has its priorities in order!

They’ve just announced they’re going to change the type font on all official State Dept. documents (https://www.entrepreneur.com/business-news/the-us-state-department-is-canceling-times-new-roman-font/443211). No more “Times New Roman”! It’s got serifs in it. Fooey! It ain’t “accessible” to persons with certain disabilities.

So they’re gonna go with Calibri instead, which has no serifs. Those blasted serifs–

Wait! Stop! News Flash! This Just In: 

“The biggest disability of them all is illiteracy,” says former mental patient Sandy Palooka, now a deputy Secretary of State. “So from now on, no official State Dept. documents at all will be printed! There’s an old saying at the FBI, ‘If you don’t write it down, they don’t got a case.’ Well, that’s a very wise saying and we’re taking it to heart–nothing in writing! Hey, whatever font you use, it don’t matter if somebody they can’t read at all. And if there’s just one person who can’t read, that’s one too many!”