Thay ‘Are’ Triying To Poysin Us!!!!

Kretschmer Original Toasted Wheat Germ ‑ Shop Oatmeal & Hot Cereal at H‑E‑B

We has maiked a trooly Frytining Diskcovary!!!!!

Wood yiu “beleave” “it”?”?? Thay has bin Puting Wheet Germs in our foood “in” “the” Caffateerier!!!!! and we hased Awl eated somb “of” It!!!!! Probbly we “are” goingto Get Sick and Dye!!!!!!!!!!

We has gott to fynde Out whoo done this!!! Probbly chrischin Wyte Souprembasists!!! Thay are awl Biggits “and” Hayters and whant To taik Ovar “the” Collidge and Stop anny Eddicasion fromb going-on!!!! and i bett we “Are” In This trubble becose we Nevver did maik a Hyumin Sackerfyce to Pressadint Obomma!!!!!!

I amb allreddy stratting To Feeel Sick!! I wunder waht kinda Germs thay putted In “the” Wheet!!!!! Bettcha it was CO-vid and Meezles and Hygrofobbier!!!!! Germs thay cawze Dazeez!!!!!!

So nhow wee Are awl ON “the” LookOut foar Simptimbs!!!! I herded abuot one gye he eated Wheet Germs “and” his Hedd it fawlled offf!!!!!!! and he coodnt Pute “it” back On,, neether!! Aslo thare whas annether gye he hased Wheet Germs and nhow he Can ownly Tawlk Backwerds!!!! We shooda jist keeped Eeting our Play-Doh!!!!!!!!!!

Welll, we “Are” whating foar Simptimbs so we Can “fynde Out” jist waht kinda Dazeez weer goingto Get and aslo we Mussed has a Infestagasion so we wil know whoo doned it,, and we will Get themb but Good “befoar” the Poysin it kills us!!!!!

A Snippet of Imaginary History

Head of a Roman Patrician (article) | Khan Academy

It’s 160 B.C., and the Roman Republic is the dominant power in the Mediterranean, governed by the Roman Senate and the Roman People’s Assembly.

But there has been friction between Rome and a power far inland–the United Scythians of Asia. We join the Senate with the debate in progress. Marcus Cato, Cato the Elder, is speaking.

“Senators, the United Scythians are ruled by a doddering dotard who can’t always remember to put his trousers on; and his newest government minister is this fat guy who paints his face and insists he is a woman. Their government is the laughing-stock of the civilized world! How long would it take us to conquer them? Fifteen minutes? Twenty? Or a whole day, if the weather’s bad? The only reason I can think of to send an army there would be if we felt sorry enough for those people to replace their government for them. And it wouldn’t have to be a big army, either!”

Happily, we know that no government like that would ever come into existence in the real world…

Another Curse on Scurveyshire! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Introducing Chapter CDVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “Nothing happened in the preceding three chapters, so I have left them out. If you want them, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope and a check for $340.99.”

And so, in Chapter CDVIII, with Lady Margo Cargo still under the impression that the plate of ancient runes she found with her metal detector is a prehistoric recipe for Store Brand Corn Flakes, and trying to make them in her lavishly-appointed kitchen, we have an entirely different translation by Johnno the Merry Minstrel–one which reveals that a terrible curse will fall on all of Scurveyshire if anyone digs up the plate and removes it from the ground.

The very day that Lady Margo brought the plate home, a man named Scupper twisted his ankle trying to roller-skate down the sloping roof of his cottage.

“It begins!” says Johnno.

Meanwhile the corn flakes are not going at all well, which is only to be expected, given that Lady Margo’s translation is 100 percent wrong.

“Some of these ingredients seem altogether ridiculous,” she complains to her crusty old butler, Crusty. “Earth from the grave of of a shogun, for instance–they don’t have it in the store! I don’t think we’ve ever had a shogun in Scurveyshire.”

“When I was a boy,” says Crusty, “we had a neighbor who said he was a shogun. He could never find a job.”

Johnno warns Lord Jeremy Coldsore that everyone in Scurveyshire is now at risk. Lord Jeremy feels somewhat put-upon. “What am I supposed to do about it?” he cries. Johnno’s eloquent shrug is worth a thousand words (“None of them printable!” Violet adds).

Here we break the chapter because of exciting news.

“Roller derby is coming to Scurveyshire!” Ms Crepuscular exults. What with television not having been invented yet, it’s truly a red-letter day.


Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Welcome to another weekend of Quokka University TV, live from Rottnest Island. I’m your host, Byron the Quokka. We always show a TV Guide page to get you cranked up for our offerings. I do wish I could watch Make That Spare, from the Paramus NJ Bowling Center–and Prehistoric Women! Uncle Shinbone thinks it might be the best movie ever made.

Well, here are some of our listings. Sit back with a handful of nice chewy leaves, and enjoy it!

8:14 P.M.   08, 09  HOWLER MONKEYS (Nature). A glorious 28 minutes of Costa Rican howler monkeys screeching at the cameraman, the late Ivan Pitfall.

8:15  11  Barney Dottle, Police Defective (Crime Drama) Barney thinks he’s hot on the trail of a desperate gang of armed robbers, but his continual misinterpretation of clues leads him to arrest the attendees of a PTA meeting. Barney: Jack Palance. Mrs. Dogless: The Lennon Sisters.

12  Movie–Classic Tragedy

The Naked and the Clothed” (1957) The Bowery Boys are caught napping when Nikita Khrushchev, posing as just another neighborhood character, tricks them into revealing America’s funniest military secrets. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Khrushchev: Himself. Timon of Athens: Tim McCarver.

13  Battle of the Brains–Public Affairs

Pinky Lee hosts a debate between former U.S. Senator Biff Boff and Rep. Rosie Hejaz on the topic, “Should prayer be allowed in churches?” With Willie Sutton and his orchestra, and the June Taylor Dancers.

8:32 P.M.   03  Bowling For Dear Life–Sports/Drama

If you really need that medicine, you’d better bowl a strike! Up for grabs tonight: life-saving medicine, parole from Chateau D’If Prison, ownership of a home, graduation from law school, and other goodies. Join host Willis Twombley  as he reminds the contestants, “No pressure!”

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Some readers have complained that they can’t trust these TV listings unless my picture is published with them. So that’s me, right up there–and it’s TV time!

Does Things Dis-apeer wen Yiu ‘are’ Not Looking at themb?

One More Thing: Making Need Disappear

[Inspired by this extremely funny hoax by The Onion,

Somb tymes “in” Nothing Studdies we get inter theeze heer Deeep Fillasoffacule Qweschins! Like frinstints, “”Are Things still thare “wen” yiu are Not looking At themb”?” Man i nevver thawted of That befoar!!!!!

So I has wunderd, lyke, what abuot Ejipped?? Is Ejipped reely thare?? (that’s that plaice in Etheopier,, whare thay has Pirramids and stuph!!) I has ownly saw It in pichtures!! Is it still thare Wen yiu doughnt see a Pichture??

I amb knot shure “how” “to” Spel it,, “but” its caulled somb thing like Basick Odjeck Perminint Skils!!!” Thing is, yiu reely Cant! tel sombthing it “Is” “Thare” or Not unlest yiu “are” loooking At It!!!!! ware Do things Go wen yiu Doughnt See themb??

Well,, “this” wood Axplane whye thare isnt No Sutch Thing as Realty and thare is ownly Construcks!!!!!! So iff yiu Thinck yiu See it,, then Its Reel!!! Soddenly I Under-stanned!!!!! Woohoo!!!!!! This is Whye yiu are enny Gender that yiu Say yiyu Are!!Becose waht yiu See “is” thare and waht yiu doughnt See,, It “is” “Not” thare!!!!!! This heer Thinking it Gives “me” a Tree-mendiss cents of Libberasion!!!!!!!

Somb Hater he sayed This heer “it is Ownly jist Crayzy so wee Beet Himb up!!!!! Reely it shood Be “Aginst” “the” Law to say That!!!!!

‘Save the Planet by Laundering Your Toilet Paper’ (2016)

See the source image

Use it again and again!

Now that we’re going to be put under house arrest every time a germ pops up in the environment, we’re going to be strapped for things to do. But as always, government has the answer!

Save the Planet by Laundering Your Toilet Paper

Go ahead, tell me it’s just not possible that even the most off-the-wall Democrat regime would ever afflict the American people with a crazy thing like this.

Nothing is off the table, with this crowd.

The Invention of Breakfast Cereal (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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When we last saw Lady Margo Cargo, in Chapter CDIV of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, she was dowsing perilously close to the vicar’s fatal wading pool. Her crusty old butler, Crusty, is obstreporating every time he has to stop to dig a hole. But in Chapter CDV, they turn up a prehistoric treasure!

Just three bone-breaking feet below the surface, they find a metal plate inscribed with mystic runes. It looks sort of like this:

Image result for images of plate with mystic runes

“Oh, Crusty!” Lady Margo evaporates. I am not at all sure about her use of that word, but she’s the author. “This is a runic inscription produced by a shaman of the ancient Celtic tribe, the Iguanodon People, unless I am very much mistaken!” (“You probably are, you daft old bint,” grumbles Crusty.) “It must have been buried here sometime around 537 B.C.”

“It’s junk,” opines Crusty.

“Nonsense!” quips Lady Margo. “Can’t you read it? Didn’t they teach you anything in school?”

Easily translating the mystic runes, Lady Margo discovers that the inscription is a recipe for what we would now, in the 21st century, call Store Brand Corn Flakes. “All we have to do,” she says, “is build a factory and start producing these. They’ll sell like hot cakes! The most feverish imagination will hardly suffice to calculate the profits!”

But this is how they get out of venturing close enough to the wading pool to get sucked under. They rush back to Cargo Hall to clean the plate and summon Lady Margo’s solicitor, a man who was once a trapeze artist but had to quit because he kept falling off the trapeze.

“Little do they know,” Ms. Crepuscular writes, “that Lady Margo has mis-translated what is actually a dreadful curse on anyone who removes this object from its burial place. The Iguanodon People are not extinct for nothing!

“And now I shall break for breakfast! It so happens I have a box of corn flakes, along with plenty of mint-flavored toothpaste with which to sweeten them. An experienced romance writer,” she adds, “is always on the lookout for real-life details to plug into her story!”

That’s just what makes her book so wonderful.

Byron’s TV Listings

Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on Rottnest Island. I hear a lot of you Yanks have been snowed in, can’t get out and have fun. Well, it looks like I’m here with more TV listings just in time! We don’t want you going mad with cabin fever, do we?

So here are the Quokka University Broadcast System’s (see? we’ve got a name for it now) offerings for this weekend. Happy viewing, everybody!

8 p.m.   03  MY MOTHER THE NEWT (Sitcom) Harry and Debbie get kicked off their middle school band when Mr. Roomba discovers their mother is a giant newt. Can Uncle Beefy, a rather large frog, save the day? Mr. Roomba: Ricardo Montalban. Uncle Beefy: Dick Cavett.

05  NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES  (News and Weather)  The same news you got on all the other channels, but this time with crude and impolite noises in the background. Anchorman’s identity still unknown.

8:10 P.M.  05  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM  “I Hear Earwigs Singing” (1971)  The Bowery Boys take on a mad grocer (Colin Clive) who has been flouting London’s health codes–in Yuma, Arizona. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Chou En-lai. Special guest appearance by Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine.

8:39 P.M.  04  TRAGEDY PLAYHOUSE  (Drama) “When You Lose That Beat” combines Oedipus Rex with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom for a totally incomprehensible waste of 93 minutes. Guaranteed to impress your friends and family, if you say you watched the whole thing. Oedipus: Rory Calhoun. Marlon Perkins: himself. Music by Bobby Fischer and his Orchestra.

8:45 P.M.  07, 11, 13  SLUGGO POTASH, GUNSLINGER!  (Western, as if you didn’t know)  In “Duel at the Lost City of the Poptecs,” Sluggo (Darren McGavin) must shoot it out with his arch-enemy, Mitch McConnell, who has made himself dictator of a lost city inhabited by people no one ever heard of. King Axolotl: Jon Hall. Princess Chipotle: Joey Heatherton. High Priest: Soupy Sales.

Well, that’s enough for now! I still don’t know how we got our hands–I mean our paws–on all these shows, and I’m sure I don’t want to.

We hased Infented A Gaime!!!

Image result for images of chutes and ladders

Becose “of” Climbit Chainge thare “is” lot of Sno and Iyce all over the kampis and we Are “getting” boared jist Stayying “in” Our doarms heer At Collidge and aslo we Are “runing” shoart Of Play Doh!!!! So we kneed to fined A Gaime we “can” Play!!!!! Ownly its Not so Eezy!!

Like, I tryed “to Play” Shoots & Laders oncet and it jist abuot kilt me!!! Man!!! You got to “be” A Pee-H.D. to play that!!!! I aslo plaid Ticktack-Tow butt i doughnt cee how ennyboddy thay cood evver Win “that” Gaime!!

Butt somb of Our Commassars in Our Stoodint Soviet thay “are” reel, reel Smart and ghess waht??!! Thay has infented A branned Niew Gaime for us too Plaiy!!! It is caled “”I Amb Gillty!”!” and boy is It evver Phun!!!!! and the Byuuty “of It” is Evvry Boddy wins AND Evvry Boddy loozes!!!! I amb nott maiking “this Up”!”

In this heer Gaimb eech of us,, One At “a” Tiyme, yiu Stand Up and yel I Am”b” Gillty of Racism”!” and evvry boddy booos and yellls at yiu “and” aslo cals yiu Naimbs and Then yiu “say:: but “I Amb Not A Racist Ennymoar,, long liv Socile Jutstus!”!” and evvryboddy thay Cheers And yells hurray!!!!!!! and then it “is” somb boddy elsa’s Turrn and thay has to say “I” “Amb Gillty of Hetro Sexerallaty!”!” and evvry boddy thay yell Boo and maik discusting Noyzes until that thare Purson thay say “But “I Amb Not a Hetro Sexurel anny moar!”! and Evvryboddy thay Cheers!!! Bye nhow i amb shure “yiu” “get” The Idear!!!!!!

This heer it “is” jist A Un-beleavvible amownt Of “fun!!!”” Last nihght we plaid All nihght!!! and that Is wye we Feel “so” goood abuot Our Selfs To-day!!!!!

Newest Mandate! Clown Shoes

Image result for images of clown shoes

[From an original witticism by “Watchman”]

It was bound to happen.

The newly-elected governor of Democratistan, Wanda Byyaduk, has handed down a brand-new mandate requiring everyone in her state to wear clown shoes. “The science is settled!” she proclaimed. “We must all wear clown shoes because COVID! It’s the only way to protect ourselves from stepping on a spot of virus on the sidewalk.”

State officials, she added, will be exempt from the mandate: “We don’t want to look silly,” she said. “But it’s vital that everybody else wear these. Failure to do so will be punished severely!”

She would neither confirm nor deny that soon another mandate will call for bright red plastic noses to be worn over face masks. “Don’t cheese me off!” she warned reporters. “There’s another mandate in the hopper that will require you plebs to walk sideways.”

Blue state governors nationwide hailed Ms. Byyaduk’s mandate as “The new thing–it’ll really show ’em who’s boss!” “We’ll be scurrying to catch up and pass her,” said California Gov. Gavin Noisome. “Like, we’ll see your clown shoes and raise you a pointy hat!”