Category Archives: satire

Now She’s Descended from Gandhi

Image result for images of elizabeth warren as indian

In her continuing quest for verifiable minority status, Democrat presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren says “You all misunderstood me! I didn’t mean I was descended from Native Americans. I meant those other Indians–the ones in India. I am a direct descendant of Whatsisname Gandhi!”

As proof of her claim, Sen. Warren says “I always had this thing for Nehru jackets, and I really like curry. So if you elect me president, you won’t have to worry about me exercising any of that White Privilege!”

If you couldn’t help believing this for a moment there–well, what does that say about this woman’s politics?

 


Genuine Certified 100% Fake News

See the source image

I don’t feel like covering any of the nooze that seeped out of Mordor this morning. I know they want me to cover it, because they want everyone to hear about it–in hopes that some will believe them. But I ain’t bitin’ on that hook.

Instead, I offer these few items of totally made-up nooze. As the person who made them up, I certify there isn’t a word of truth to them.

*No one can find any of the Democrat candidates for president. As of 6 a.m. this morning they were all reported as missing. No one seems to mind.

*A freak snowstorm this weekend buried a Climate Change march in Stockholm, Sweden.

*A new sex robot designed by Okashiio Baka Industries, in Japan, doubles as a toaster-oven when not being used for the more obvious purpose.

*Another Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to former President *Batteries Not Included “on general principles.” The entire Nobel committee was reportedly drunk at the time.

*The new Michael Moore movie opened to completely empty theaters all around the country, earning absolutely no money. Moore has offered a prize to anyone who can prove he or she saw it.

Gee, this is a lot easier than actual reporting. No wonder the nooze media like it so much.


A Poetic Interlude (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Image result for images of silly romance novels

There’s more to Ms. Violet Crepuscular than just Oy, Rodney and bas-cuisine. Earlier this week she acquired a new pet, a freshwater clam named Farfel. She was kind enough to send us a video of him in action.

We are not told what the clam is eating. Maybe a few crumbs of Violet’s toothpaste sandwich cookies.

And now, on to Chapter CCCXVII of Violet’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

Terribly disappointed in the advice he’s been getting from the Wise Woman of the Woods, Lord Jeremy Coldsore turns to Johnno the Merry Minstrel. “With a little practice, old man, you, too, could be an oracle. We need someone much more reliable than that silly old trout in the woods. You could do it standing on your head!”

This is precisely what Johnno tries to do. It requires several attempts before he is able to remain standing on his head long enough to act as an oracle. The position achieved, he then makes his first oracular utterance.

“If you would lift Black Rodney’s curse,

And hopefully not make it worse,

Forget those foolish morris dancers:

They’re not the ones who have the answers!

“Instead, resort to axolotls

Confined in one-quart whiskey bottles–”

This is as far as he can get without falling down. But Lord Jeremy is impressed. “Keep it up, man, keep it up!” he cries. “What do we do with the axolotls after we confine them in the bottles?”

“My lord,” gasps Johnno, “I don’t know! And my head hurts something dreadful! Why don’t we get the axolotls first, and then I’ll try again?”

“Oh, very well!” grumbles Lord Jeremy. “It can’t be all that hard to obtain a few axolotls–provided they’re in season, this time of the year.”

Here the chapter ends. “This is how I heighten the suspense and keep the reader reading,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers. “Besides which, I think Farfel might be ready to learn a trick or two.”


Work It Bloes!!!!!

See the source image

We hadded a lexture This morninge “in” Nothing Studdies it was grate!! It was al abote how we “are” goingto has Socilism hear in Americka,, al we has got”to” “do” is eeleckt Any Demmocart and fromb nhow On the guvvermint it “willl” Take “care of yiu” al the tyme and “evry” thing it wil be Freee!!! and no boddy thay wont has to Work no moar evver Agin!!!!

Free houses, Free helth cair, Free foood, Free viddio Game, and Free Collidge Tution for evry boddy (exsept christoins thay shuddnt get Nothing!),, and aslo No moar Work!! No boddy wont has to Work “becose” Rowbots thay whil “do” Alll The work!!!

It whil be Parradice!!!!!!!!!! Thare woont be nothing “to” “do” but eet and Go to Class and whatch moovies and play Viddio Games and aslo play whith Play-Doh!!! And aslo lots and lots of Secks!!!! How grate Is that?? Espatially no moar Work!!!

The Prefesser she sayed Work it bloes!! and no boddy “butt” christins and Haters thay whil be “the” ownly wones whoo “has got” to Work!!! She Sayed “Watt do yiu whant to Do “whith” yore Lyfe,, jist work And Work “and” Work???” And somb Racist he sayed How dose al “This Free Stuph” get payed fore??? What a iddiate!!!!! Jist lyke Alaxander Ocasional Cortex she sayes,, “the” guvvermint thay jist keeep Printin moar Mony,, tons and tons of Mony,, and “it” will Pay “fore” evry Thing!!! Whith enuohgh leffed Over to give Evry Boddy a Hundrid $1 Hundrid Dolors for thare Own!!!

Jist thinck of It!!! Nothing to do, nothing evver agan that yiu “has” got “To” Do!!!! Becose the guvvermint It whil “do” evry Thing “fore” yiu!!!Yiu wooont evin has to Get “out” of Bed iff yiu dont wanto!!!

I thinck i whill “go out” and Voat rihght now!!!!!!


Lawsuit-Happy Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Image result for images of silly romance novels

Nothing much happens for several chapters, so let us move on to Chapter CCCXVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. This chapter is notable in that it is not able to provide us with any new crepuscularities. Oops…

The Marquess of Groan is suing Lord Jeremy Coldsore because he fell ill when the roof was blown off Coldsore Hall, Johnno the Merry Minstrel is suing the Wise Woman of the Woods for being wrong all the time, and the proprietor of The Lying Tart is suing the vicar for not getting rid of his backyard wading pool, under which quite a few of the pub’s most reliable customers have disappeared. It’s bad for business.

“Maybe I just ought to shoot all these dummies who want to sue everybody,” suggests the American adventurer, Willis Twombley. “We had a whole slew of lawsuits in Babylon once, so we put all the plaintiffs to death and that made the lawsuits go away.” Twombley believes himself to be Sargon of Akkad.

“You can’t shoot the Marquess because the Queen wouldn’t like it,” replies Lord Jeremy, “and you certainly can’t shoot Johnno because we need him to sniff out Black Rodney’s cuss-bags. He found another one just this morning–right under my bed, by Jove! Besides, we still don’t know what the Wise Woman of the Woods meant by warning us of ‘the clam before the storm.'”

“My six-gun’s gettin’ rusty, ol’ hoss,” Twombley complains. He suspects Lord Jeremy, his bosom friend, still harbors some resentment against him for accidentally shooting him in the foot, which is why he now has two left feet. He remains unable to dance properly.

Ms. Crepuscular suddenly shifts gears, subjecting the reader to her recipe for toothpaste icing for chocolate grass cake. “Mr. Pitfall will soon be released from the hospital,” she adds, “and I want to surprise him with it.”


Play It Smart with False Facts

Did you know that the sound we call a “raspberry” was once a popular nickname in the ancient language of Arzawa? It translates as “Shorty.”

By popular demand we present a few samples of False Facts IV, published six months ahead of schedule because the world is going to end in 12 years unless we make government powerful enough to stop Climate Change–

And that’s just one of the False Facts you’ll get in this set! Here are a couple of the others.

In the Forest of Dean, in England, there are more gorillas per square mile than in the entire Congo rain forest.

There are still cavemen living in Sayreville, NJ.

President James K. Polk originally spelled his name “Poke” but changed it after he was mistaken for the James K. Poke who taught belly-dancing in Oofty Township, Tennessee.

Extraterrestrial pottery has been found in China.

Want people to think you’re smart? Shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and recite a False Fact in a tone of unshakeable conviction–’cause now you know things that nobody else knows! Be the center of any family gathering!

False Facts IV–now on sale for only $679.99 at Foolburg’s Farmacies.


I Amb still Trying To be A wimmin!!

See the source image

It is so Hard to tern into a wimmin! Themb Moth Hormoans thay shot me “up” “whith” all thay done “was” give me “theese” hear Moth Antenners and maiked me look goofy!!!

But its a Good Thing i amb hear in Collidge becose “in” collidge “we” has got So Manny Interllecturals thay can alyaws “think Up” a noo whay to do jist abote Any Thing!!!

So now we got “a” noo Coarse it is jist “starting” Up this Simmester,, it is a Coarse in Bellie Dantsing!! and I sined Up “for”: it!! and now i whill be lerning How To Bellie Dantse and that wil “Hellp” me tern into a wimmin “at Last”!!!!! and If i Passe it then i wil Get Three (3!) Ackadimmick Creddits!!!!! i cuddnit Affourd the Oficile Bellie Dantsing Cosstomb thouogh so i whil has to Bellie Dantse in my Undies!!!

And wood yiu Beleave “it??? some biggit he sayed i am Growtesk!!! and that he got Nite Mares from jist “looking” at me doing Bellie Dantsing,, he got Dizzy fromb see-ing my Moth Antenners “spin” arownd and arownd wile i dantsed!!! It maiked me Cry!!! Butt that is OK becose Crying “it” “Is” alloud in this hear Class!!! and aslo I re-Portid him to the Collidge Buyas Responts Teem and nowh he Must go inter Sensertivvaty Traning!! and aslo i let the aire Out “of” his tyres wen he wazznt Looking!!

I amb aslo sined “up” fore Play-Doh Modling 202 it is “the” Advantsed Coarse and i whil lern How To yuze a pentsle to poak Holes in a bawl of Play-Doh “to” Maik ayes and a Nose,, witch maikes it into A Fayce!!!!! It is reel Skullpture!!!


I’m Running for President!

9

Move over, purple penguins! Now that some of the real lightweights have dropped out, it’s time for me to join the Democrat presidential nomination sweepstakes.

And here’s my first campaign promise, right up front. If I’m elected president, I guarantee that there will be no sharks swimming around in our department stores! No other candidate has made that promise because no other candidate can. With me in the White House, it will be perfectly safe to use the escalator in Barnes & Noble.

I also promise that the very least I would do, if you elect me president, would be… well, nothing. C’mon, now, people, which would be better? Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders or Kamala Harris–or a president who does, like, nothing? Fumbling, stupid, crazy policies, or no policies? Imagine a president with the good sense to leave the country alone. That would be me!

Now, you know they won’t let me take part in any of those “debates” they have. You saw how they all piled onto Marianne Williamson for coming out of political nowhere and still looking better than the rest of them. “I didn’t know they could be so mean!” she’s saying now. Hey, sister, I coulda toldja. “I didn’t know they lied so much!” Coulda toldja that, too.

So, then, help me build up my campaign war chest by buying my books. Books? What books? You have books? You’re darn tootin’ I do. Just go to this blog’s home page and click “Books,” and find out all about it. You can even order them from there.

Vote for me, Lee Duigon, in all your Democrat primaries!

Because doing nothing is better than doing evil.


Confronting the Wise Woman of the Woods (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Image result for Silly Romance Novels

As we take up Chapter CCCXIV of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, we find Lord Jeremy Coldsore very angry that the Wise Woman of the Woods’ prescription for lifting Black Rodney’s curse on the vicar’s backyard wading pool proved completely ineffective, resulting in the loss of three seventh sons of seventh sons who were also expert morris dancers.

“She’ll pay a grim price for that!” he vows, and orders Constable Chumley to arrest her.

The constable demurs. “Naith o’ flurrin’ with yar blymin’ och, m’lord,” he says in his quaint rural dialect. Unmoved, Lord Jeremy orders him to accompany him to the Wise Woman of the Woods’ quaint little cottage in the woods. Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who think he’s Sargon of Akkad, brings up the rear.

At first the Wise Woman of the Woods can’t believe the ritual didn’t work. But upon being told the details of the shameful episode, she shakes her head sadly and remarks, “It’s all your fault, my lord. I never told you to use three seventh sons of seventh sons. That was all wrong! And I fear that this is just the clam before the storm.” No one knows quite what she means by that.

“Enough of this superstitious twaddle!” declares Lord Jeremy. “Constable, arrest that woman!”

“No, my lord–you don’t have time for that!” she cries. “What you need now is a wombat’s womb. It’s the only way to save the shire.”

Lord Jeremy stares at her. “And how am I supposed to lay my hands on one of those? Where is a wombat womb at?”

Ms. Crepuscular writes triumphantly, “Aha! Yet another crepuscularity! Dear reader, we are making literary history!”

[Editor’s Note: If you think I’m kidding, visit http://www.chessgames.com, click on “Chessforums,” then click on my “Playground Player” forum (the one with the little green dinosaur), and scroll down to yesterday’s posts. You will find a host of new crepuscularities devised by some of my enthusiastic chess colleagues. This could become the 21st-century equivalent of the Droodle.]

We are not told how Lord Jeremy is to obtain the womb of a wombat. Ms. Crepuscular is saving that for a subsequent chapter.


Famous Vet Says: ‘Worm the Planet!’

See the source image

“There’s nothing wrong with Planet Earth that a jolly good worming won’t cure!” declares Dr. Romulus Stunata, widely celebrated as the “Veterinarian to the Stars.” Which stars, we are not told.

“Look, it’s simple,” he explained. “Your dog gets worms. Your cat gets worms. And you can get worms, too, if you don’t watch out. Well, Mother Earth has worms! So she’s got to be wormed.”

A global effort, he continued, must be mounted to accumulate colossal quantities of veterinarian worming medicine “and then just pour it into the earth. If that hole they drilled for Project Mohole is still there, use that. Otherwise, pour it down caverns, mine shaft, oil drilling shafts, and any bottomless pits that might be handy.”

“And then,” he added, “stand back! Because there’s going to be an awful lot of worms come squirting up from the depths of the planet. So stand back from caves, wells, manholes, oil wells and drilling platforms, and all the rest. The planet is going to expel hundreds of thousands of tons of worms! And some of them will be bigger than you ever imagined was possible.”

Most of the earth’s worms, he said, will probably die as soon as they’re exposed to sunlight. “The rest will probably have to be shot or something.”

“It’s all them worms that are causing Climate Change, hurricanes, volcanoes, earthquakes, and pantophobia,” said Dr. Stunata. “But take it from me–if it works for your cat or dog, it’ll work for Momma Gaea.”


%d bloggers like this: