Category Archives: satire

Lady Margo’s Hand (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Introducing Chapter CCCXXIX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “Dear reader, I wish to introduce Chapter CCCXXIX by reminding you that years ago, in her youth, Lady Margo Cargo had her hand chewed off by a goat. Which hand, I don’t rightly remember. But do keep it in mind, for it’s bound to be important later.”

Frantic to raise money to put a new roof on Coldsore Hall and stave off his legion of creditors, thus saving his centuries-old family heritage, Lord Jeremy Coldsore grows increasingly desperate to conclude his marriage with Lady Margo, the richest widow in Scurveyshire. His latest scheme is to have the marriage performed in secret. “We can elope,” he explains to her, “and get married in an abandoned warehouse in the quaint rural village of Mucklethorp. No one will interrupt us there.”

“Isn’t that the warehouse where they found all those skeletons, years ago?” she asks.

“I am sure they have removed the skeletons by now, my sweet!”

“I don’t know about this,” Lady Margo muses. “I have heard the place is haunted. Who would perform the ceremony?”

“Geoffrey the Unemployed Shepherd has been ordained a minister of a mail-order church somewhere in India. Treat him to a bottle of Col. Gamba’s Special Blend, and he’ll marry anyone.”

Lady Margo is shocked. “Why, it was one of Geoffrey’s goats that chewed my hand off!” she cries. “I find it very hard to trust him!”

The chapter breaks here with a telephone call: the local cable TV station has offered Ms. Crepuscular a position as host of a new cooking show. She is too excited to continue writing.

“Just in time for me to share with the world my Toothpaste Yule Log recipe!” she exults. “With leftover crab meat, no less! I must hasten to the studio and see to setting up a kitchen!”

There is no truth to the rumor that the show will be called The Suicidal Gourmet.

 


Impeach… Me?

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The Kook’ll get you if you don’t watch out!

Uh-oh. It’s looking bad for me.

Everybody who reads this blog knows I voted for President Trump and support his re-election. It’s on record–nothing I can do about it. No one will believe me if I say, “Wait, hold on, I see the light! Hey! Evo Morales has been kicked out of his job as socialist dictator of Bolivia–he can be our president!” Too late for that.

But the decisive horrible promble is… today I got a couple of views from Ukraine. That is to say, I have been in contact, never mind how fleetingly, with certain persons in Ukraine. And you’re not allowed to do that unless you’re a Biden abidin’ with the gas company.

The word has already come down from the House of Ninnies: I must be impeached. The fact that I’m not president of anything is immaterial. They can always make me president of something and then kick me out. Oh, the shame of it.

 


Woke Meddasin!!

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Sumbtimes it is a drag hasing Moth Antenners whitch i got affter thay “shotted me” Up with Moth Hoarmoans to i can be a trans Wimmin but it Didnt Work and so i “got” theez hear Antenners and aslo i can eet jim sox “and” Hankerchifts!!

Wel whe had a grate Lexture to day “in” Nothing Studdies al abuot Woke Meddasin whitch wee kneed Becose “thare” isnt not enuohgh Wimmin Of Culler and Minorites being dockters “and” sturgeons and we has to got Mutch moar “of” themb for Divercity and Sustanabbilty!! And”the”” whay “yiu lern Meddasin and Sturgery” “is jist bye Doing It” thats whatt the lexturer she sayed!!! “So whoo whants to Vollinteer to trye somb Sturgery?” she askeded and Evry “boddy” thay razed thare Hands!!!

She picked out Fyve 5 of themb and hadded themb push a cupple desks Togetther,, “And nhow wee nead a Pashint!!” And wood yiu beleaveit??? She pickted Me!!! “Come Up “hear” and lay dhown on theez hear deskses and wee wil Do “somb” Sturgery on yiu!!”” Wel i waznt Shure i whanted no sturgery but thay al grabded me “and” holed me dhown “On” themb deskses!!! and then she Reetched into a Bag and taked out a Hatchit!!! “This it is yore luckky Day we Are goingto Ampatate themb stopid Antenners!!!!!”

Of corse i was a Litle bitt affrayed but she taked out a botle and she sayed this hear “it is a Anna Settick al yiu got to Do “is” Drink this And yiu woont feal a Thing!” butt wen she taiked the top off The Botle i gess I panicked becose that stuf it smelt jist Like cat Pee and i didnt whant to Drinkit butt she maid themb holed me “down” and grab my Nose to maik me Oppin my mouth so she Cood “pore” it into me!!! and thenn one of the stodents was sposed to taik “The” hatchit and Chop Off my Antenners!!!!!!!!!!

Yiu cant eevin Imajjin how re-leafed i was wen The Bell it ringed!!! and evry “boddy” thay hadded to “go to” thare neckst Classs!! and i runned aweiay!! That “was” “a” awfful Close Cawl!!!!! i amb like Totilly “in” fayver of Woke Meddasin but i jist whaznt reddy “four” this!!!


Become a Climate Scientist! Only $29.95

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[Editor’s Note: Our Chewy cat foot delivery has been uncharacteristically delayed. Chewy says the problem is with Fedex, and severe winter weather around Memphis, TN, all but shutting Fedex down. It is unknown whether the cause of this latest Climate Change/Global Warming episode is transphobia or racism.]

Now you, too, can be an Offishal Climate Scientist, just like Jane Fonda! With the Jane Fonda “I ‘R’ A Climate Scientist” Fun Kit, you can be up and running in just two hours!

Each kit includes:

*A list of hit Hollywood movies you can say you were in

*A “12 Years to the End of the World” calendar

*Angry bumper stickers you can paste onto people’s cars at night

*3 bottles of genuine Artificial Sweat

*A Michael Mann Hockey Stick T-Shirt

*15 Real Computer Models that you can study instead of wasting time studying nature

*A WWII surplus hand-cranked Air Raid Siren to drown out Climate Change Diniers

And, for just an extra $39.95: A pair of Offishal Go-Go Boots just like Jane Fonda’s!

Order now! And who knows? You might wind up on TV!


‘Give “The Obama Book of Days”‘ (2016)

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Sickening, wasn’t it?

Let’s not forget what we had to suck up for eight years. We don’t want anything like that again, do we?

https://leeduigon.com/2016/10/27/give-the-obama-book-of-days/

Perhaps the most sickening feature of the Obama years was the unrestrained adulation poured on him by our free and independent nooze media and Hollywood. It was every bit as insane as the rage they feel against our current president.

Now watch–it’ll turn out that there really is an “Obama Book of Days,” and millions of liberals own one.


Constable Chumley Speaks English (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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We’ve been trying to discover why a policeman with an angry parent in tow knocked on Ms. Violet Crepuscular’s door last week–something to do with handing out toothpaste cookies for Trick or Treat, we suspect. But she has been uncharacteristically mum about it, saying only that “No sacrifice is too great, or too small, to make for good dental hygiene.”

In Chapter CCCXXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, we learn that Constable Chumley has been busy rounding up everyone in Scurveyshire who looks like an emoji, in case one of them turns out to be Sir Dorphin Magma, the ace cricketeer who disappeared 20 years ago and may be descended from the evil medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. Here are some of the suspects.  Image result for images of emojis The jail–er, gaol–is getting a bit crowded.

“Can’t you find a roomier gaol in which to put them?” demands Lord Jeremy Coldsore. “They have a nice one in Plaguesby, maybe they’ll let us use it.”

The constable looks him in the eye and replies, as clear as a bell, “To climb the tree is enough, though the bough makes me cough.”

Lord Jeremy is astonished. “You finally speak a sentence in some comprehensible form of English,” he cries, “and this is it?”

“Feraeth, m’lord, whae bonnith yar grith,” the constable replies, reverting to his quaint rural dialect. It appears his supply of plain English has been exhausted.

Lord Jeremy is growing more and more desperate to marry Lady Margo Cargo, the richest widow in Scurveyshire, to confound his creditors and save Coldsore Hall, which still needs a new roof. Lady Margo is currently in bed with a bad cold, contracted by wandering around in the rain all night clad only in her undies–a sight which, regrettably, has caused a relapse of the vicar’s conniptions. Worse, a violent sneeze has sent her glass eye flying off to some unexplored region of her bedroom. “I can’t marry anyone until I get my eye back,” she declares. Lord Jeremy has searched all around the room for it but hasn’t found it yet.

“And here,” writes Ms. Crepuscular, “I will break off the chapter in order to heighten the suspense. Really, one can hardly expect Lady Margo to appear for her wedding with an eye missing and the vicar spouting panicked gibberish.”

 


Still More Great False Facts

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(No, that’s not me!)

If you’re stuck for a gift for yourself, once again it’s Acme False Facts to the rescue!

If you want people to think you’re really smart, because you know a lot of things that they don’t know, or never even imagined, just stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out, look ’em in the eye, and trot out one of these certified genuine False Facts.

Here are a couple of tantalizing examples from False Facts 5.0:

*Elizabeth Warren’s proposed 70% tax rate will still leave you with 85% of your money, according to scientific economists at Fimbo State University.

*Frog DNA added to your toothpaste, when consumed in sufficient quantity, will cause your gender to change spontaneously.

*The ancient Egyptians had cell phones. You could look it up.

*The first functioning time machine was built in 1625 by an Irish bishop, who used it to journey into the future. He has not yet returned.

*There is no such place as Hungary.

Remember, it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it! Every politician, climate scientist, and used car salesman knows that.


It ‘Is’ grate To be Use-Less!!

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Dont “get” me rong, i dont whant No job becose Work it blows! But i has lernt a Fantasstick thing “to day” “in” Nothing Studies!! No i wont has a Job,, butt insted “I amb” goingto has a Carear Pathe!!!

I amb goingto “be” a Influintzer!!!! all i has got “to” Do is get me a Blogg or somthing on Socile Meadia and tell peple watt Thay shood “think” and watt thay Shood “Do”!! and thay whill all Lissen “to” me becose i amb in Collidge and i amb a Interllectural so i amb whey Smarter then themb!!

In Nothing Studies we has lernt that the Gratest thing yiu “can” “Be” is toetilly Use-less!!! That is watt maiks yiu “a” Pure Intrallectural!!!!

Wood yiu Beleave it??? Ordrinery dum peple thay “Look Up” to Influintzers and Do watt thayr Toled!!!! Our prefesster she says it Is “besst” if a Influintzer he dont know Nothing at alll and “that” is How the Influintzer ze is Pure!! i amb so exited this hear it “is” “a” Reel Carear Pathe!! The prefesster she says I amb jist prefictly “Cut Out” for it!!! Ze shoed us “some” viddio from Brittten or somplaice,, this hear gye he sayed the skools thay shoodnt be teechin nobody “About” Whorld War Too it is too Intentse four themb!!! And he got on TV!!!!!!!!!! thay gived him His oan Realty TV Show!!! How cool “is” That??? Man i cant whait till i get my oan TV show!!! I whil go this hear gye One Bettter and say the skools thay shoodnt teech Any Thing at all!!!! Butt yiu stil got to Go!! Lets sea himb beet that!

Wel nhow i amb goingto Go Out and pracktiss Influintzing peple! P.S,@ i dont know How mutch Monny $$ yiu get for being a Influintzer butt “i” think its Probbly a lot!!!!!


Portrait of a Sorcerer (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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In a digression leading, somehow, into Chapter CCCXXVI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular describes her Halloween. “Let me first digress on the subject of Halloween night in my neighborhood, dear readers,” she writes. “The children in this part of town all have bad teeth. This is why I hand out toothpaste sandwiches to all the trick-or-treaters. I think this is also why they festooned my trees and shrubbery with toilet paper. It seems no one here is devoted to good dental health.”

But to return to the story–

As slovenly Scurveyshire workmen haphazardly labor to replace the roof of Coldsore Hall, two of them tear away the wallpaper in the attic, revealing, to their terrified amazement, a portrait of Black Rodney, the medieval sorcerer whose curse haunts the hall today. “We are able to reproduce this picture, which was painted during the lifetime of its subject,” Ms Crepuscular writes, “and here it is.” See the source image

Summoned to the attic to see it, Lord Jeremy Coldsore is taken aback by the portrait’s astonishing resemblance to the legendary cricketeer, Sir Dorphin Magma, whose bat is enshrined in the Scurveyshire Museum of Cricket Bats. “It was always easy to pick him out of a crowd,” Jeremy confides in the workmen. “And to think he was my boyhood hero!” He turns to his friend, the American adventurer Willis Twombley. “Send for the constable!” he says. “I want Sir Dorphin arrested immediately!” Only then does he discover that the immortal batsman emigrated to Central Asia some twenty years ago and hasn’t been heard from since.

Constable Chumley elucidates, if that’s the word for it: “Yen sorthy mannikin mote a sweeth back when, I’ll frithit.” Jeremy sighs. “That does leave us in a bind,” he admits.

“I think he must of come back, ol’ hoss, in secret-like, and is hidin’ out somewheres in this here vicinity,” says Twombley. “All we gotta do is find him and shoot him. How’s about I round up a posse?”

“With that sallow complexion of his, he shouldn’t be hard to find,” says Jeremy. “We’ll get to the bottom of this mystery yet!”

Here the chapter ends with a police officer knocking on Ms. Crepuscular’s door, accompanied by an angry parent.

 

 

 

 


We Has got A new Deen!!!

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Thare is this hear Girl “in” Town she “is” 13 yeers Old and she leaded a Yuth Climbit Strike lasst munth and Now she “is” highred To Be the new Deen of Deens rihght hear “at” our Collidge!!! We hadded a spacial meting Of “the” Stodent Soviet to dee-mannd it! And aslo her naime it is Patunia!!!

Fromb now on Patunia she whil Be “the” Deen of Deens witch meens she wil Tel alll the Other deens and al the Stodents and aslo alll “the” Prefessers Whatt To Do “and” Whatt To Say!!!! How grate is that???

We has al got Grate Expecktorations of her!!! All-reddy she maked a Rool that says Evry boddy got to be Climbit Chainge Acktavists or else yiu get putt in Sensertivvaty Traning and aslo Expeled!!!!!! and she maked Buyus Responts Teems to go aruond smashing ennyboddy whoo sayes anny hat speach!!! Fromb now On thare “woont” “be” anny Hate at our Collidge oar Elsse!!!!

This it is jist “so” grate!!!!! I “love!” to sea al them deens and provoasts and addminerators and PH-Dees and janniters bowing down “To” her wen thay sea her on The Campis!! The rool it is yiu has to Bow wenevver yiu sea her!!! And aslo evry time she tawks to yiu,, yiu has to say “Yes Mom yiu are so rihght!!! Yiu are Awsum!!!”” Fromb nhow on yiu has to Say “evry” thing she says yiu has to say and aslo Think “evry” Thing she says yiu has to think and iff yiu “dont” well yiu Beter Whach Out!!! Jist this moarning she toled a Collidge Vise Pressadint to go sit “in” A mudd puddle and he hadded to Do It!!!

Thare was somthing “abuot” anny boddy whoo dont like it thay gets “sended” out to a Corn Feeled somwear and cant “evver” come Back but i hasnt got al the detales on That yet!


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