Category Archives: satire

The Fat-Head’s Tool Kit: Stupid Stats

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In mustering false facts to wow your audience and make them think you’re smart, don’t neglect statistics. Who isn’t impressed by statistics? It’s best you make them up yourself, because that way people can’t check up on what you say; but you do have to make them sound convincing. Stand tall, look ’em in the eye, and lie like a rug.

Here are some examples to get you started.

*98.3% of persons who practice astral projection believe in Man-Made Climate Change.

*43.4% of American Protestants got rather bad marks in college.

*At least 12.5% of women who have had abortions have gone on to become television news reporters and elected officials.

*Scientists at the Greenland Institute of Higher Education have found a one-to-one correlation between homeschooling and social dysfunction.

*Throughout ancient history, persons living in matriarchal societies enjoyed a Happiness Index 36 points higher than those living in other kinds of societies.

*The average atheist is 2.75 centimeters taller than the average Christian.

Yes, there will be silly people who attempt to argue with you. But all you have to do is smile tolerantly, shrug your shoulders, and say “Figures don’t lie.”

There’s no limit to how far you can go with this. I wish I had a statistic for how many future U.S. senators are reading this.

 


We got to Has Femmanest Masquilinty!!

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Well “the” stodent Soviat it voted yeasterday “to” Reqyer Alll mail stodents from Now “on” thay has got to be Femmanest Masqulinity or elce thay wil “be” flunked Out of Collidge and put in Re-Eddication and aslo Sensotifity Traning and “it” Is abote Time!!!

This hear it is Nessirsary becose Evry singal promble In “the” whorld it Is coused by Wite Hetro-Normbativve Maskalinnaty so evry Thing abote Men It “has got To” be turnned a-round backwords!! And aslo al Men thay has Got to be Gay fromb now “on” and that whay thay willnt harasss wimmin no more!! If thay is Wite now thay got to be Peple of Coller.

Like we lernt in Gender Studies alll Men thay are Vilint and agresssiv thay awlyays thinking Thay got to “Win” and thay hasnt got no Emotoins neether exept thay Get Mad a lot! And aslo thay are Only intristed in foot ball and Cars and beeer and Secks!!!! and al that it have got to be turnt aruond 360 digreees!! In shoret al the mails thay Got to be jist like wimmins fromb Now On and then thare wont Be “no moar” Wars and no moar Hate becose wimmin thay dont has those bad things!!

It dont appleye to me becose I got Moth Antenners witch is from shooting “up” whith Moth Hormoans becose it saposed to Turn me “intwo” a wimmim but it hassnt hapened Yet!

Yiu wil see oncet thare “Is” only Fembinast Mescalinity and al the men thay Is jist like Wimmin evry Thing it wil “be So” goood yiu wont beleave it!!!


‘Oy, Rodney’ Gets Rather Odd

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Violet Crepuscular leads off Chapter CXVI of Oy, Rodney with the admission that she has borrowed much of the story from a not-quite rational neighbor. Then she remembers that she has left Queen Victoria waiting in the church for the wedding that hasn’t come off, and quickly returns her to Buckingham Palace.

Meanwhile, Lady Margo Cargo’s crusty old butler, Crusty, tries to convince her that she can’t marry Willis Twombley, who she thinks is also Lord Jeremy Coldsore of Coldsore Hall, because she is already married to another man–the mysterious stranger who stood up to object to the latest wedding but was interrupted by events beyond his control.

“Really, Crusty, I am sure I’ve never seen that man before,” she says, as he reattaches her wooden leg.

“He married you by proxy, Ma’am. He was in India at the time, so he sent a proxy.”

“I thought that man’s name was Mr. Proxy. And no one ever told me it was a wedding. I thought it was a game of blind man’s buff, without the blindfold.”

The scene shifts to Scurveyshire’s favorite pub, the Lying Tart, where Lord Jeremy  and Twombley are concealing the body of Lord Jeremy’s chief creditor, Mr. Softy, shot by Twombley as he tried to take possession of Coldsore Hall. They are breaking into the pub because everyone else has run off to take part in the strange events around the vicar’s backyard wading pool.

“I’m not so sure we ought to be doing this, Sargon, old boy,” says Lord Jeremy: Twombley still thinks he is Sargon of Akkad.

“Well, Germy, you don’t want to git hanged, do you? Let’s put him somewhere down the cellar. No one’ll look there.”

Lord Jeremy is upset. “Are you mad?” he cries. “They keep all the pub’s supplies down there! Of course they’ll find the body.”

“Not if we stick it behind some barrels. Trust me, ol’ hoss. I’ve done this several times before.”

This task accomplished, Lord Jeremy is suddenly stunned and shocked by a message scrawled in the dust on the floor.

It is a single word. Rodney.,


How to Talk Smart: False Facts

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If it’s really very important to you to have other people think you’re smart, but you simply don’t have it in you, well, you can still talk smart!

What makes people think you’re smart? Knowing something they don’t know!

That’s where Acme False Facts come in. Armed with these, and confidence–you do have to project confidence, so practice in front of a mirror–you can wow your neighbors and your co-workers with your vast store of esoteric knowledge.

Here are a few samples to get you started.

*In 24 hours, a healthy human body naturally manufactures enough palumbitol to fill a football helmet. (If anyone asks you what “palumbitol” is, respond with a pitying look and a slow shake of the head.)

*James Madison was educated in a Muslim school in Algeria.

*In Ancient Britain before the Roman conquest, same-sex marriage was the rule rather than the exception, and it produced a society completely free of inequality.

*Prior to 1938, there were no “Psalms” in the Bible. (You have to deliver that line with a great deal of confidence. Practice! If you can put this one over, there’s no limit to how far you can go–maybe even to a successful career in politics.) The Psalms were only added afterward, by a committee.

*Hillary Clinton’s IQ has been officially measured at 202, but she has always been very modest about it, purposely imitating a nincompoop so as not to intimidate the public.

*The first motion picture, The Graduate starring Dustin Hoffman, was made in 1970.

 


Thay shuld Give yiu yore Monney back For Dead chrismis Trees!!

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I whish Calaffornye wuld Get Biggger so our Collidge “culd” be “in” it!! Becose thay doo things Rihght in Calaffornye!!

Thare was this lady she buyed A chrismis Tree at Cost Co and then It dyed so she taked “it back” to The stoar and sayed thay shuld Give her her Monney back becose the chrismis Tree it dyed! (http://www.sfgate.com/technology/article/Woman-returns-Christmas-tree-to-Costco-because-12491223.php) And yiu know Wat thay done?? thay gaved her her Monney!That “is” how thay dose it “In” Callaffornye!!

i think ore Collidge is in Illanoise or maybbe Onterryo i forget witch! Wye cant Thay make Callofornyer bigger so Our college it “culd” be in thare???

Like whoo did them Dirty Captilists think thay was to be seling That lady “this” no good Tree that dyed affter she “put” it up for chrismis?? But thay are Not the ownly ones!! Hear at Collidge thay put “a” chrismis tree in one of “the” Dormes and it was lovly i seen it; for Ornimints thay had Con-doms and Izlambic stuff whith a buitifull Hillery Angle on top of “it” and that tree it turnt All “brown” becose it Dyed tooo and it Evin catched on Fire when thay tryed to Deckarate it whith a Joint of Marawana!!! Thay was “Luckie” the hole Dorme it didnt Burn Down!!!!

It jist gose to Show yiu captilism it is Bad and yiu cant Truss no captilisks becose thay awlyays treying to Cheet yiu!! That is wye Us “who is” Socile Jutstus Wirers wee cant nevvir take no Day Off!!


‘Lawsuit Seeks to Abolish Bible-Reading in Church’ (2015)

See? I can still write exaggerated satire that can never, ever possibly come true…

https://leeduigon.com/2015/08/18/lawsuit-seeks-to-abolish-bible-reading-in-church/


Your Blather Bingo Card

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Well, Marge, you asked for a Blather Bingo card, and I’ll try to provide one. It’d be nicer if I knew how to do this with computer graphics, but I don’t. So you’ll have to print out the blank card and then fill in the spaces with the words provided below.

Row 1: Racist, Cissexism, Affirming, Inclusive, Settled Science

Row 2: Heteronormative, Xenophobia, Patriarchy, Ablist, Women of Color

Row 3: Accepting, Income Inequality, (Free Spot), Gender, Sustainable

Row 4: Homophobia, Bigot, Welcoming, Microaggression, White Privilege

Row 5: Global, Social Justice, Minorities, Misogyny, Toxic Masculinity

There are, of course, other, equally chowder-headed, words and terms you can plug in. I just used the first 24 that sprang to mind. And you don’t have to install them in those particular rows–unless you want to play Self-Esteem Affirming Blather Bingo, in which everyone has exactly the same card and everyone wins.

And instead of X-ing out the words as they come up, you could cover them with little pieces of re-useable, sustainable Play-Doh…

Happy blathering, everybody!


Let’s Play Blather Bingo!

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[Disclaimer: This idea is not original with me. I heard it many years ago on a Christian radio show, to which I’d give full credit if I could remember its name. Back then, they were calling it “Drivel Bingo,” and applying it to language mostly used in business meetings.]

*Sigh* Not much happening here today, viewership-wise: so let’s play Blather Bingo.

All you need is a Blather Bingo card, which you can make yourself, and a tedious speaker or writer who is spouting liberal blather.

Fill the spaces on your card with words like Inclusive, Microaggression, Diversity, Tolerance, Accepting, Affirming, Gender, Self-Identify, etc.–all that meaningless blather which Intellectuals and other leftids employ to make people think they know what they’re talking about and are just too smart to be understood by any normal person. Then sit back and listen, and whenever you hear one of those words, draw an X over it. As in regular Bingo, when you get a straight line of X’s, horizontal, vertical, or diagonal, you’ve won! Jump up and yell “Blather Bingo!”

This will help you get through whatever liberal pap you’re trying to endure, and will at least make the time pass less slowly. Play it while you’re watching nooze on CNN, MSNBC, or any other outlet set up by the blather industry.


First, No ‘Best Friends’ Allowed; Next…

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It started in Europe, but hoity-toity private schools in America are now picking up on the newfangled education theory of not allowing children to have best friends (https://newswithviews.com/what-do-they-want-in-the-end/). Why not? “So that no one feels left out or excluded.” Or so they say.

Blithering Pinhead Academy, one of the first American schools to adopt a no-best-friends policy, has resolved to carry that principle a few steps farther.

“There will never be any freedom until educators and other experts control every aspect of every human life, no matter how trivial,” says BPA headmonster Iza Dorque. “Here at Blithering, we’re always ahead of the curve.

“That’s why we have just adopted a brand-new policy of not allowing any of our students to have a favorite food. From now on, they’ll have to like all foods equally! Failure to do this will be corrected by torture. Repeated failure will land an offender in Sensitivity Training.”

Ms. Dorque explained, “It’s so evil and un-inclusive to have a best friend. It means there are one or two people whom you like better than anyone else! We will not tolerate such intolerance. It suggests that individual persons have unique qualities. Well, how the blazes are you going to have Diversity unless everyone is exactly the same!

“It’s the same with food. If one child likes tofu best, and another child likes quinoa, the one who likes tofu is discriminating against quinoa, and, by extension, against the child who likes quinoa. It is a microaggression!”

In answer to criticisms that Pinhead Academy’s policies are unnatural, anti-human, oppressive, stupid, and cruel, Iza Dorque called for Security and had the critics forcibly removed.


Win a Free Collidge Eddication!

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Washme Hall, Fimbo State College

College tuition got you down? Don’t you wish you could get a college education without the dreadful cost?

Well, now you can!

In partnership with Fimbo Krunchy Cereals, and located within mere blocks of beautiful downtown Detroit, Fimbo State College is offering tuition-free five-year degree programs to the first hundred students to collect and submit one thousand (1,000) boxtops of either Fimbo Frostee Insects or Fimbo Squishy Flakes–and what’s more, each qualified student is guaranteed to graduate!

Best of all, there’s hardly any work involved! All students will automatically major in Social Justice Studies, and will enjoy free room and board in whichever dorm happens not to have a flooded basement at the time. There are no exams, no term papers, and free Fimbo Krunchy Cereals served for every meal–plus no restrictions at all, when it comes to foraging. If you can catch it or pull it out of the ground, you’re free to eat it–and strike a blow against white supremacy every time you chow down on a handful of nutritious leaves!

Plus, all our professors have served time in other institutions, and there’s nothing like experience.

But hurry! They’re only giving out one hundred of these Fimbo Skolarships! Be the first on your block to have a college degree without the student debt!

Happy Krunching, everyone!


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