Category Archives: satire

Tare down Them Moniumints!

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Prefesser Ginder in the Gay Studdies Deptt she give A fantatstic Speach yeasterday and she “got us”al worked Up!! It was al abote How Gay peple and Trans peple and Muslins and peple From mexxico thay was fownding Americka but them Rushins thay hacked “it” and it Started “the” Sivvle War! I thinked i knowed al abote “the Civvle War” it was the War that “had” M*A*S*H** in it butt i didnt know it was How Wite peple it is OK to hat them thay tuck over And “that is” how Americka it got turned in-to the Evil roten cuontry that it “is” now!!! and she sayed we got to make Socile Jutstis by taring Down all them Canfedret moniumints that Wite peple thay putt “up” to keeep Slavry! and she sayed we got To “be” carfull becose the Town aruond the Collidge it is ful of Knotsies!!! there is, like,yknow, ten Thowsend Knostsies in it!!!

And than i amb sorry “to” say somme of Us we got “in” trubble becose we runned out to reck them Canfedret moniumints rihght hear On Campas and the pressadint of the Collidge he got so mad at us!! And he piked up “a ” Bull Horn and he yelled At us “Yiu stopid idjits yiu puled down The ” wrong Statchues! Wel we made a missteak and we did pulll down the Wrong ones, “yiu damfools, thoze was the Statchues of Lennon and Casstro and Marks and Magrat Sannger!!! Like “we” was So imbarasssed!!! and now we got “to” Putt them up agin! and the Collidge pressadint he yeled At Us some more becose it turns out thare Isnt no Canfedret Statchues hear On Campas!

So now we got To put Up some Canfedret Statchue jist so we Can tare it Down agin! We didnt know Who to Make it a Statchue of, like, witch Canfedret it auhght To Be but Finely we “setled” on a Statchue of some guy his name was Ritcherd Simmons or somthing Like that! and the Monny it has got to come Out Of the Stodent Playdoh Fund!

I Buyed A Time Mashine!

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Wel i has reely did it now!!! I amb going “to” Change The Whorld!!

To day this hear guy he mayjers in Physick and he “says to”” me do i Want to “buy” a Time Mashine! and i say “butt it is jist a Card Bord Box!” and he say “no It only Looks “like a” Card Bord Box acterly it is a Time Mashine and yiu can Travel In Time, i wil Selll it to yiu for jist $5 dollars and than yiu “can” Travel Inta the Futchure!! wel i didnt Have no $5 dollars whitch is becose of Inequallity and i think reel hard and i says Butt “how do i know It werks??” and he sayed Simpal, jist clime in and close It Up afftar yiu and wen yiu come out agian it will be the Futcher!!” and i say OK butt how wil i know its reely the Futchure??

So he shoes me His whatch and sayes “Look waht Time is it now?” butt i am not so Good At “telling Time,” thay didnt teech me it in Gender Studies so i had to ask and he toled me It “is now” 2:12 p.m. jist go in the Box and close it” whitch Is whatt i done and thare I amb in Side the Box and i thohght i was In It “kind of” long but than he sayed “Now opin the Box and clime out and see waht Time it is now” and Holy Cow! “It is 2:15 P.m. yiu has travvled 3 minits inta The Futchure!!”

Wel finely he selled it to me for jist #1 dollar and 26 scents witch was al I had butt now I can travvle into the Futchure!!!! I whanted to Thank him but than he “went Away” reel fast!

And So hear’s waht i amb going to Do!! I amb going to travvle Inta The Futchure and Stop Donold trump from evver being Borne so he cant get Elecktid Pressadint and Hillery she “wil be” Our Pressadint insted!!!

and al them dum and stopid peple whoo vhoted for him Thay wil get a reel supprise that thay wont like!!!

You Can Be a Superhero!

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Now you, too, can be a superhero! With a costume, no less!

Simply send a $500 Target Gift Card to Super-Powers “R” Us in Foshkaloksha, Uzbekistan, and you will receive our Official Superhero Starter Kit.

This lavishly-illustrated 25-page pamphlet will tell you everything you need to know about designing your own superhero costume, developing whatever super-powers you want to have–invisibility, super-strength, X-ray vision, flying, mind-reading: you name it, it’s yours!–and how to go about fighting crime, rescuing people, and stopping natural disasters like floods and hurricanes.

This is the very same pamphlet that made Sean Facehead of Ollantallambocuxhi, Bolivia, into Wow Man, the Invincible Caped Flying Man of the Andes. Don’t take our word for it–ask him!

Make sure you have the Target Gift Card made out to “Bearer.”

We’ll send it right back to you if you aren’t a genuine superhero within 365 business days.

Now we Has yogur Class!

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Hear at Our Collidge thay has started Yogur class for alumini and Interllecturals and i think Yogur “it is”” somthing that yiu “eat” butt i supose “it” is aslo al Theese hear Yogur Extrasizes and I gess yiu eat “The” Yogur afftar yiu “do the” Extrasize.!

So i runned over to the Stodent Centaur to get in “the class” and thay Toled me i culdnt Unlest i has Yogur Pants and i dint Know “waht” to “do” becose I dont know waht Yogur Pants thay look like!! and al i culd Think “of” saying was yiu Doing “the Micro Gresion on me!”” so thay let me in the Class whith-out Yogur Pants!

Now i amb al Soar from doing The Yogur and one “of “” my Moth Antenners it got bent and it sure herts!!! But that “it is” a Smalll price to Pay “becose” Yogur it keep yiu From turning “in-to” a christin, the Instrocter she sayed Yogur “it teeches” yiu That Yiu Are God!! How Abot That!!! it is jist “Waht” my prefesser he been sayin Al Allong, first yiu takes Gender Studies corses like me and than Yiu assines youself Whatevver gender yiu whant and yiu Can evvin make Up one iff yiu “dont” like any of the Genders that got listed “in” the Stodent Gyde and That “is How” we Creeights our selfs! and than i eated Some Yogur butt in Al Onesty i like jim sox bettter!!

New! Self-Esteem Golf

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Patzer Products proudly announces a new line of hi-tech golf balls specially designed to raise and reinforce the golfer’s self-esteem.

Outwardly, Patzer’s Tru-Flite balls look just like any other golf balls. But thanks to a miniaturized digital proactive guidance system on the inside, Tru-Flite will give you a hole in one every time you hit the ball! All you have to do is hit it; the ball will do the rest. Right into the cup, every single time!

Imagine a PGA tournament which everybody wins! In which every golfer hits a hole in one, every time he swings the club! Imagine someone who really stinks at golf suddenly finishing every course 70 strokes under par!

Especially recommended for today’s college students, Tru-Flite balls really do cost a lot–but that’s okay, because The Rich are going to be forced to pay for them.

Help get ridd Of Maskulinty!

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Us Interllecturals hear at Collidge we are alyaws trying “to” Fix Up this no-good Crumby american Socyty and now “we has” got a Plan to do it!!

We heared abote Printstan Collidge thay are “going ” To go get rid Of Agreasive Maskulinty but at our Collidge we “has” a evvin Better Plan, we are going “to” get rid Of All Maskulinty it jist Wont be aloud no more!!!

thats rihght, we going “to” Ban it totelly! No more mussels, No more beerds, no more Drinkin beer, No more mail cloathing! An no more Mail “Pro” nouns!! The deens thay had “a” meating to say Al them things we going to Ban so thare “wont “” be No More Maskulinty hear at all!!! Thay evvin going To “fource” guy stodents to change thare Names, No more Guy Naimes aloud so Iff yore naim it is Darnold four instants yiu got To “change” It to Prissilla or Jenifer or somthing like that! and aslo No more Acting Mail!

This hear Is The Futcher of Man to al be Wimmins! and than Thare “wont ” be No more Warr or Pobberty or Unfavrable Gender Outcomes!

&And yiu can “thank” Us Interrlecturals four it!

Emergency! Joe Collidge Stricken

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The management regrets to inform the readership that Joe Collidge has been rushed to the emergency room at Dizzy Dean Hospital following an attempt to spell the word “weltanschauung.” The word means “world view.” It is not known why Mr. Collidge did not simply write “world view.”

According to a confidential source, “The top of his head come off and there wasn’t nothing in it.”

A full recovery is expected, according to another source, we forget which one.

the Gratest Idear ever!!!

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I amb alyaws pleazed when The smartest “peple in” The whorld thay agreee whith me!! Yiu shuld of seed my Moth Antenners thay stould strate Up wehn i heared “the” guy he oanes Fasce Book he sayed Thare shuld ouhght to Be “a”  Univarsel Garanteed Parsonal Freee Income!! I has ben sayin That “for” yeers!!!

Yiu see that “whay” no boddy thay “has got” to work becose Work it blows,, yiu know “whaht” i’m sayin and The Govvermint thay gives yiu A “pay check” evry weak and yiu can jist stay all chiled out And play viddo Games or studdy more Gender Studies!! or Evin do whaht nantsy Palosy she sayes and write Sympathys ful of Claspicle Musick!!! And mabe some grate Cow Boy Potery too! Or jist lay thare and Do Nothing at all and the Govvermint thay will stil Pay “yiu”!

Now only Biggits and Racists and Hatters thay are opoased to this and thay al shuld ouhght to Be throwed “in” Jale and aslo The Ressistiants # it got to overthrough Trumpt so We can “have” a Garinteed Univarsle Free Stuff Income rihght awway “and” aslo rihght “now” tooo!!

Hay yiu know whaht!? If no boddy have got to “work” than thay “Can” al go to Collidge and bee Interllecturals like me!!! Axcept we shuldnt let no christins in becose al thay Transphobbic Biggits!

Now we Got to Hate! Spidor Man!

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I awlyays loved Spidor Man butt now i hat him “and” i was wrong Wrong WRONGG! fore liking him! and so are yiu!

Its “a ” goood thing i reeded a blog or somthing “abote” this hear New Spidor Man Moovie ( it suposed “to” bee Diverse but gess what?? Iff it going to be Diverse than How Come Spidor Man he is stil White??? Evryboddy thay knows That yiu cant has no Diversity with no White Peple in it!!!

And than I thinked “of” somthing Else! How Come Spidor Man he “is” stil a Man??? Huh? Huh?? when evryboddy thay aslo knows he shuld “ouhght to” be A Wimmin! in fackt he “shuld” ouhght to Be A Wimmin Of Collor!!! and aslo probly a Musslim tooo!

I am so Gladd i been pluggged “in” to this It has opaned my iyes!! and if yiu trying to say But “Joe” yiu are a White Peple tooo! wel “that” is jist whatt we cal a Micro Gresion becose i amb reely “a” Musslim Wimmin of Coler traped “in” a White Peple boddy!! Like Mikle More he sayed “We Are al Musslims!!!

The strogle for Truue Reel Diversity “it” jist gose On and “on”!! it “is” A reel strogle for Socile Jutstus!!

How to Talk Real Smart

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The biggest gun in the liberals’ arsenal is the claim, and the resulting perception, that they are smarter than the rest of us. Heck, it must be so–politicians, college professors, lawyers, TV noozies. They’ve gotta be smarter than ordrinary dum peple.

But now you, too, can be as smart as any liberal! All it takes is just a few little words, judiciously employed so as to be devoid of any meaning. A lot of intellectuals say there is no meaning to anything, anyhow; so you’re always on safe ground if you’re babbling.

Never say “I don’t know.” Instead, say, “Whatever we say or do must be proactive.”

If someone then gives you a blank look and says “Huh?”, tack on this sure-fire clincher: “Think digital, man! Think digital!” People hear that word a hundred times a day and hardly anybody knows what it means.

If, in the unlikely event that this line does not produce wise nods from your hearer, and he tries to question you some more, it’s time for the all-purpose conversation stopper:

“The way you’re talking, dude, anyone would think you were a racist. In fact, you probably are a racist.” You will either stop him in his tracks, and force him to agree with you, or else divert him into a total sidetrack as he tries to deny his racism. Expect a lot of fumfering!

There are, of course, other words that you can use, meaningless words that never commit you to any particular position. But these few are enough to get you started in a satisfying career as a real smart talker.

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