Category: satire

Heer ‘Is” Waht We Reely Neeed!!! from 9/16/2022

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The History Behind Teepee Dwellings- Teepee Joy Blog

Yiu “are” nhow loooking At “a” pixture of the New Dorm we jist bilt heer At Collidge!!! We has figgred Out “waht” we reely neeed heer Is “moar” oh dam this it “is” Hard to spel!!! OK i got it= “Indagent-I-Zayshin”!”!

Yiu Are probbly aksing yore Self “Whel waht dose That “meen”?”?” I whil tel yiu! It meens maiking evry Thing jist lyke it wuz wen it was jist Indignant Peeople livving heer!!!!! Naytiff Amairakans!!!!! and no boddy Ellse!!!

Somb Hater she sayed ‘Waht iff” no boddy “wants to live In T.P.s insted of billdigns witch has Air Cundissioning and Sentril Heeting?”?”? but yiu Cant say “things” “lyke” that arowned Heer so six “Of” us we beet her Up!!!! She puled Out “one Of” my moth antcenners tho And “that” reely hert!!!!!

Fromb nhow On evry boddy thay has to Live “in” T.P.s becose That “is” “haow” It wuz befour Wyte peeple caime “And” ruinded Evry Thing!!!!!! Lookit Elizzabith Worrin!! Yiu can be Shure she is goingto Get Ridd “of” her stopid “Houwse” and live In “a” T.P. fromb nhow On!!!!! Heer At Collidge we “are” Tryying to has as mutch Intagratty as her!!!!!

Butt it whil Still “be” OK for reely impotant Peeple to live In Houwses!!!!

Ms. Crepuscular Gets Lost (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT 12/18/2022

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

“A writer must never allow herself to be distracted,” declares Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense. This is because she has lost track of what chapter she’s writing in her epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

“Really, it was Mr. Pitfall’s fault,” she writes, blaming the whole thing on her neighbor. “You know the man is hopelessly in love with me. He used one of my recipes to bake me a batch of what were supposed to be toothpaste-filled cupcakes. I ate one–and the next three days are now a total blank to me!”

So she has settled on No. DXXIII for the chapter she is currently writing. Let’s see… The rhinoceros has spun a cocoon behind Dr. Weezle’s tool shed, the royal handwriting inspector has come and gone… and Constable Chumley has auditioned for the title role in the Scurveyshire Players’ production of Hamlet.

That’s how “To be or not to be” turns into “Ay wee yearnted far thither.”

Potrick the Jovial Shepherd (there are two jovial shepherds in Scurveyshire) thinks the constable should write his memoirs. He is also working on his imitation of Alan Hale, the American movie actor who has yet to be born. Potrick is good at things like that.

I Has Fowned Sumb-Thing ‘To’ Pro-Tesst!!!! Joe Collidge reprint

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

11 Things You Shouldn't Keep in Your Glove Compartment ...

Sumbtymes I feeel Jellice becose “it” loocks lyke Evry Boddy butt me has fowned sumb-thing to Pro-tesst “abuout”!”! But too-day, Youreeka!!! I has gott “a” Pro-tesst “of” My Oan!!!!!! Haow grate “is” That???

Has yiu knowtissed that “thare” issnt no Gluvs in enny-boddy’s Gluv Cumportmint??? Thiss heer “it Is” a majer Skandle!!!!!! Go ahed and loock In one Gluv Cumportmint afftur a-nother!! Wahts “the” one thing yiu Will Nevver Fynde???

Gluvs!!!!!!

The hole “thing” it Is Nutthing butt Flase Avvertizing!!! Witch is cawzed by Climbit Chainge and Inkum Inny-quailatty!!!! This heer “It is” a Verry Impotent Isshoo!!! The car cumpannies thay “Are” liying “to” uss!!!!! And aslo Ghetting Awhay whith It!! And aslo yiu doughnt kneed Threee (&3) Gesses to gess whooze Be-hyned it!!! I whilll give yiu a Hint!

It”s Donuld Trumpt thats whoo!!!!!!!!

Ware “Are” awl themb Gluvs “that” shood awt Tobe in Gluv Cumportmints??? Eh? Eh?

I whil leeed a Pro-tesst to-nite!!!! And wen Pressadint Jobydin he fyndes auout,, then The furr it whil Flye!!!!!!!!!!

Where’s Violet? (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

I’m already running low on gas this morning, and I don’t need extra agita. Nevertheless, I find I’m short an episode of Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular’s tempestuous Victorian romance set in the jungles of Scurveyshire, in southern England.

We have a recent page of her diary, found abandoned on her coffee table. Here is what I would consider a revealing excerpt.

Feb. 28: I can’t go on!  “So don’t,” says Mr. Pitfall, my neighbor. He has a passion for me that burns like something real hot, but I can’t think of what. He thinks I should have stopped Oy, Rodney at Chapter 531.

What to do, what to do? Mammoths at the gates of Coldsore Hall, warming up to break through the doors. Mr. Pudding has been eaten! And the June Taylor Dancers are on the warpath. Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, wants to start picking them off with his hunting rifle. I try to dissuade him: “It’s not on, old boy.” “Dagnabbit, Germy, that sure is dissuasive,” he replies. Then he shoots another one.  Oh those Americans.

Meanwhile Mr. Pitfall is nagging me to run away with him. “This here passion of mine,” he said, “will make you think you’ve gone to Heaven early! Let’s start packing–do you want this Mandrake the Magician T-shirt? I once–“

And there it ends, only the one leaf torn from the diary.

I think I’ll go make mud pies.

 

Now This Heer It ‘Is” Hyer Edducasion!!!!! REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Cartoon vampire. Vector illustration with simple gradients. All in a single layer.

Is a lot “of” collidges run bye Vampires?

Heer at thiss hear collidge we “are” So Jellice of the Eunavursiddy of Whiskonsin!!! Do you “know” what they Got?? THEY GOT EKO-FEMBINISM!!!!!!

Thay has a prefesster too, “he” “is” fokissed on Trands-Giner Studdies, Queer Theery, Black femmanist theery, Vampire Litterture, and Germin litterture And “fillum” (https://www.campusreform.org/article/u-wisconsin-offers-lgbt-courses-queering-ecofeminism-performance-activism/26199). Wye caint “this” “g”uy teech At our collidge?!?! He musst “be”, lyke, The Smarttist “Man” In The Whorld [Not counting Pressadint Obomma, he “is” THE Smartist:,” hands down)!!!

Y’know, sumb-haow I knew thare hased “tobe” Vampires in this,, sumb-whare!! I betcha iff yiu “loooked” harrd Enugh and long Enogh yuiu wood Alyaws whyned Up whith Vampires!!!!!!! Thay Say the cheef pressadint of “our” collidge, he Is A VAMPIRE!!! Yiu nevver seen himb “eeting” Garlick!! I wunder iff The Mummy he is “in onn it” too!!! Betcha heeze In “The” Seller sumb-plaice!!! Whith Jobydin!!!!!!!

Speeking “of” Jobydin–wye doughnt thay Let himb be a Vampire??? Then “he” cood keeep On bein Preszadint!!!! Oar thay cood “maik himb” into a Mummy, jist a cupp-ful of Tana Leafs, thay “whil doo” the Trick!!!!!

The Funniest Book in the World (‘Oy, Rodney’) Reprint from 10/3/2021

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Book parody, Book humor, Romance novels

Introducing Chapter CDXLVII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, or, A Gentlewoman’s Malady, Violet Crespuscular–

Wait! What’s this “or” business? Since when is there an “or”?

“The subtitle,” Ms. Crepuscular explains in  a series of smoke signals, “is a staple of Victorian literature. I don’t know why I haven’t been using one!”

Be that as it may, in this chapter, none of Lady Margo Cargo’s folk remedies has sufficed to halt the vicar’s conniptions. “I have never seen more disgusting conniptions in my life,” says Lady Margo.

In desperation, Lord Jeremy Coldsore consults the Wise Woman of the Gaol, formerly the Wise Woman of the Woods; but she prefers the gaol.

“Ah, yes, conniptions!” she festiculates. “Constable Chumley has kept me well-informed of the vicar’s conniptions. They are of a special kind–Smythe-Peddington Conniptions, named for the first doctor who was unable to cure them. Fortunately, I know exactly how to cure them! And the method is simplicity itself. So simple, the patient will practically cure himself.”

“So what is this method?” cries Jeremy.

The Wise Woman lowers her voice and, almost whispering, replies, “You must read him, aloud, the funniest book in the world! That’ll stop the conniptions.”

“Excellent!” Jeremy exclaims. “And what is the funniest book in the world?”

She shrugs broadly. “So what am I–the London Times Review of Books? I haven’t read a book in 30 years. And that one wasn’t funny.”

MUCH LATER THAT DAY… A search of Lady Margo’s copious library turns up only one book that might be amusing, in a way: Baby-Talk Made Simple, by Benjamin Franklin.

“It’s our only hope!” says Margo… TO BE CONTINUED!

(“There! How’s that for heightening suspense?” crows Violet. We sigh in unison.)

 

Collidge ‘it’ Is Hard Sumbtimes! From 2018

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

Sumbtimes Gender Studdies “it” is So hard butt our Prefesser xe knows “that” and xe Dont whant us “to” get al Stresszed Out so tooday xe taked Awaiy our Tecksbook becose it “Is” hard four us to reed thare Are a lott “of” big Words in “it” and makes Us feeel so Bad and so insted fromb now On wee wil Studdy car toons and graffic novles!! And aslo we wil get More Play Doh!

xe aslo gaved us This hear graffic Novle it “is” caled Oy Rodney and ze sayed we shuld Oauhght to studdy it to fined al “The” micro Gresions and biggity thats In it!! Xhe aslo ze sayed we Got to whach Out four al “the” Wite Privvlidge that in it and then We whill has a Test witch it shuld Not be “two hard” becose Al we “has to” Do is go out And key cars!!!

This hear Oy Rodney it “is” jist tarrible!!!!  That is becose “it” shoes jist wat Wimmins thay is Up “aginst” and aslo thare “Is” a lot of Sexule Horassmint in it tooo;, It makes “me” so Mad i has to Stopp and play whith Play Doh til my Moth Antenners thay stopp twitchin And wuld yiu beleave it I got in trubble for That!!! The prefesser xe sayed “Cant yiu” stop “that?? it is distracking al The “othher” stodents”! Wel i cant Help it its becose Of “al” them Moth Hormoans thay shot me Up whith to try to get my cromo-Soames to turn intto Wimmin cromo-Soames and i cant Help It if “the” exspearmint it dint work!!! So xe mayed me ware this hear Pointy Hat so no one thay “wuld see” my Antenners!

O wel! in jist Fyve moar yeers I “wil” Get my Batchler’s Deegree in Gender Studdies and “Than” i can start on My Masters! and Eaventurly i wil Be a reel Intrallectural!!!

The Accordion Man Cometh (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We are offered a rare glimpse into the creative mind at work, thanks to a notebook carelessly left on a windowsill by Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense.

With the June Taylor Dancers, from the 1950s, lurking in the woods around Scurveyshire in the 1850s, what role will Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s 20-pound accordion play in saving the town? And don’t forget Mr. Pudding and his newts! A reader in Pastiche Grove, Michigan, forgot… and a giant spider got her.

The notebook, written in Cretan Linear A, provides tantalizing sketches of the June Taylor Dancers warding off the attacking newts while a bearded man with strange anatomical features (two left hands, for instance) plays a large accordion.

“Over the past 70 years,” she writes, reverting to English for the nonce, “I have found Cretan Linear B superior to the Indus Valley Script when it comes to keeping notes. And either one will drive would-be plagiarists crazy! Go ahead, sucker–plagiarize this!”

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

“I like the Indus Valley Script for day-to-day reminders involving goldfish food, etc.; but as you can see by this example, Linear A has it beat.”

Indus Script - World History Encyclopedia Obviously not suitable for serious literary porpoises!

Quokka U.: Coming Along REPRINT from March 2020

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

Ipso loquitur mannimota, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest news about the creation of Quokka University.

We’ve got our Latin motto, we’ve hired a coach for our pick-up sticks team–she insists on remaining incognito, wherever that is–and we’ve appointed half a dozen deans. For that we did “one potato, two potato.” We make a lot of important decisions that way.

This week we wrestled with the question of whether or not we need to set up a cafeteria. We quokkas eat a lot of leaves and bark, grass, fruit and berries, all of which, well, grow here on Rotnest Island so there’s always something to eat, we don’t have to go looking for it. So a faction led by Aunt Feezy said we didn’t need a cafeteria, but every college I ever heard of has one, so we decided we’d better have one, too. Just in case. Two quokkas named Arnie and Asshurbanipal found this nice big cardboard box that we can use. Just bring some food inside and eat it there. It’ll do for starters.

As for degree programs and courses and things like that, we’re still trying to figure out how many humans we can admit as students and what kind of courses they would like. We want to offer stuff they can’t get in human colleges–and how much should we charge them for it? We don’t use money, so how would they pay for their higher education? Who knew it was so much work to set up a college?

We’re also thinking maybe we won’t have courses. Uncle Ripcord says that would be “real cutting-edge, it’ll probably start a trend.” We shall see!

Meanwhile, we want you all to know we’re putting a good twenty minutes a week into this enterprise and that’s why it’s taking shape so fast.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

 

 

 

 

 

Rabbit Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

 

From July 10, 2020

I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!