Will the Queen Elope with Willis Twombley? (‘Oy, Rodney’)

The terrible tale of the Kentucky Fried romance novel | The Delve

[Editor’s Note: Ms. Violet Crepuscular is mad at me for switching over to this book cover to illustrate the latest installment of Oy, Rodney. Well, confound it, I can’t find the regular cover anymore! This one will have to do. It’s very much in the spirit of the thing.]

Introducing Chapter CDXXII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular reminds the reader that Queen Victoria is about to elope to Abilene, Kansas, with Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad. Word of this has reached Lady Margo Cargo and threatened her impeding nuptials with Lord Jeremy Coldsore–she thinks he and Twombley are the same person and resents her fiancee cheating on her with the Queen of England.

In desperation–and you have to be really desperate to do this–Lord Jeremy turns to Constable Chumley. “Please see what you can do to salvage this mess!” vocalizes Lord Jeremy. The constable replies, “Aye, thar forthin yon cusster, M’lord!”

Making an appointment to confer privately with Lady Margo, Chumley explains to her: “Favvin’ yoster me kippens, Lady me Lad, ye netter by swelvin’ a quarn?” She gives her enthusiastic consent to this proposal. With this to sustain him, the constable arrests Twombley and forces him to bathe in the ice-cold duck pond in Scurveyshire Common. Passersby are appalled.

But just as the constable hoped, this does the trick! Twombley is practically killed with cold by the time Chumley allows him to come out of the water. Passersby turn away, unable to bear the sight.

“Well, that’s froze the romance right out of me!” truncates the American. “Now I wonder what I ever saw in that there queen of yours! But you’re lucky I didn’t shoot you, ol’ hoss.”

“Mizzen yair frocken, sir!” says Chumley. Willis sighs deeply. “One cannot but agree!” he concedes.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

Stoopid Is Smart!!!!!

Do Memes Make College Students Stupid or Vice Versa? | ScholarshipOwl

Oh themb Biggits “and” Haters!!! Thay alyaws saying Collidge it “is” stoopid and aslo “it” maiks Us Stoodints evin stoopider “then” we all-reddy Are!!!!!

Yeahwell like one “of” my Nothing Studdies prefessers he sayed,, “Stoopid is the Dore Way to Smart”!” Ha ha!!!!!!!!

He eggsplaned “it”,, “Yiu got “to Be” Stoopid befoar yiu “canbe” Smart”” and aslo he Sayed yiu Has got tobe A Ninkumpoop befoar “yiu” canbe a Interllectural!!!! Becose awl “the” Reely Stoopid ones thay are Out Thair whorking and hasing famblies and That “is” wye thair isnt no Socile Jutstus!!!! Like watt cood “be” moar Stoopid than That???

Ordrinary dum peeple thay Think yiu has got “to” knowe Inglish % Histry $ Syints & Masthmaticks @ Littertchure and boy “are” thay Stoopid for “thinkin” That!!!! No Boddy kneeds “to” knoew enny “Of” that stuph BECOSE IT IS ALLL RACIST!!!”! But us Interllecturals heer “At” Collidge we are Pro-tecktid fromb knowing dum and stoopid stuph lyke That!!!! We Know Crickital Race Theery!!!!!! and Fifftie Genders!!!! and that is awl we kneed to knoew!!!!

New! Racial Glasses for Your Racist Eyes!

Silly Glasses Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Why go to all the trouble to make a black Superman movie (https://www.inverse.com/entertainment/dc-black-superman-jj-abrams-clark-kent) when anyone can just put on a pair of glasses that lets you see anyone in any color you please? Besides which, who goes to the movies anymore? There’s nothing to see.

Ah! But imagine you’re watching a Superman movie and just burning up inside because Superman is white. What do you do?

You put on a pair of Co-lor-Spex from Pdgaa Products–and presto! Everyone in the movie, even in the crowd scenes, is black! No more whiteys anywhere. Buy a different pair of Spex for every color!

And they work with pictures in books, too. And TV broadcasts. And for stuff streaming on your computer. Even the nooze!

With Co-lor-Spex you will never again–never!–have to see people who aren’t the right color. But wait, there’s more!

Pdgaa’s crack research team is working on All Day Co-lor-Spex so that every person you see in public or in private will be in the color that you want to see! You’ll never again see anyone who’s in the wrong skin color!

And they’re only $1.99 a pair! Order yours today!

 

Yippee-Yay! Quokka University

Free Cartoon Cowboy Cliparts, Download Free Cartoon Cowboy Cliparts png  images, Free ClipArts on Clipart Library

Quokka University has added two big names to its teaching faculty!

Steven Patrick Herodotus Michael David Crockett Flanagan–his parents couldn’t decide what to name him, so they just used all the names they liked–has signed on to teach a course in Cowboy Poetry Written By Scottish Fishermen. He’s agreed to work for free, so that’s a big savings right there! Mr. Flanagan has read some of this poetry to persons who visited Kruck’s Department Store to see a vacuum cleaner demonstration, and he says that two of the shoppers really liked it.

But wait, there’s more!

We have also hired Dr. Ruth Fandango, the world’s leading expert on handy things to do with lint, as an associate professor (that means we can fire her) of Intersectional Zoology. We don’t know what that is, but it sounds very collegy! You’ve probably already seen her as a guest on the Olaf Smidgin Show–so that’s another celebrity pickup for us!

As for when Quokka U. will actually open–well, I’m Byron the Quokka, I’m supposed to teach Political Science… and I don’t know!

Willis Twombley’s Romance (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Livin' the Dream with Green Stamps: A 1975 Catalog - Flashbak

Editor’s Note: We are again unable to find an illustration for the Oy, Rodney cover. It was actually easier to find a Green Stamps saver book from 1960. This bodes ill for Violet Crepuscular’s book sales.

Introducing Chapter CDXXI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular cites a letter received from reader Jennifer Solstice in Bad Axe, Michigan.

“This clod of a reader,” she begins–she must be really mad–“has accused me, Violet Crepuscular, a college graduate, mind you, of ‘turning this wonderful story into a mushy kissing book–yew! Who wants to read that? And Willis Twombley, of all people! Unless you put the kibosh on him romancing Queen Victoria, I won’t read you anymore!'”

“And thus,” declares Violet, “I am corruscated to write a romance that has no romance in it! Well, Jennifer Solstice, write your own shimshing romance novel! I have real readers to attend to!”

That being said, she has barely enough space to mention that Willis Twombley and Queen Victoria are feverishly planning to elope to Abilene, Kansas–the queen doesn’t know anybody there–and open up a Greek restaurant without any Greeks. It will be an excellent opportunity for Victoria to learn to cook. And to throw Scotland Yard off the scent, they plan to call themselves Mr. and Mrs. Orestes Papadapoulos.

“I warn you, Lord Jeremey,” exclaims Johnno the Merry Minstrel, who has made a study of these matters, “this is the work of Black Rodney the medieval sorcerer. He’ll by the ruin of the entire British Empire if we don’t stop him!”

Lord Jeremy Coldsore can only sigh. He’s had a lot of practice sighing, lately.

Did we mention Willis Twombley is an American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad? We do not know whether Queen Victoria believes him.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 8

Vintage 1960 Tv Listings Related Keywords & Suggestions - Vintage ... |  Keyword suggestion, Tv guide listings, Tv guide

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.

8:06 A.M.  Ch. 2  GUMBY’S STOCK MARKET TIPS

You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.

8:08   Ch. 3   WANTED FOR FRAUD: GUMBY

Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.

Ch. 32   MY MOTHER THE GUNSLINGER–Western

While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

We Get Moar Woak Evry Day!!!!

Artificial respiration | Britannica

Heer “at” Collidge we alyaws “are” Try to get moar and maor Woak becose yiu Jist cant “get” Tooo Woak!!!! and So our Stoodint Soviet we has voated “to” Ban Artrafissile Repserration AND aslo CPR!!!!!

As yiu can sea fromb “The” pixture,, theez heer things they can maik yore Arms and Leggs fawl offf!!!!!!! but that isnt wye we band themb!!

No! Wee band Artrophycial Rasporassion becose It Is Kisssing!!!! It is Kisssing whith-oat Consent!!!!!!!!! Waht cood be moar Secksist???

And CPR it “is” jist “the” saim!!!! It is dooing somb thing To somb boddy whith-oaut thare Con-Sent!!!!! I mean comb on Man (pressadint Bydin he sayes That al “the” Tyme!!)!!! Lyke, watt “iff” thay doughnt Whant no CPR??? Watt iff “thay” doughnt whant no Icky Perdson who probbly has The Vyris kisssing themb???

Whell of coarse The Woak Thing “to do” is to jist leeve themb Aloan!!!!!!!!!!

We “Are” alll prowd Of our Woak=ness heer!!!

Somb Hater he sayed whell yiu “doughnt ask” a Baybe’s Con-Sennt befoar yiu has a Bortion, do yiu???? Butt we jist beet “himb” up!!!!!

‘Excuse Me–Is This Your Brain?’

They’re still trying to find the owners of nine brains that turned up loose on the sidewalk of a village in upstate New York some years ago.

Excuse Me–Is This Your Brain?

“If only we had a college or a university nearby, it’d be easy to track down nine people with missing brains,” said police chief Agnes Morehead. “They’re always losing their brains–and half the time they never miss ’em.”

The fact that the brains are somewhat undersized “points to higher education,” said the chief. “After all, it’s not like they had any use for ’em.”

If you have any information which might re-unite one of the brains with its owner, contact the Squalid Village Police Dept.

New Drug Makes You a Deep Thinker!

See the source image

New from Bustem Labs! “Profunditol” (TM) will turn you into a deep thinker rivaling the greatest philosophers and scientists of all time!

Accidently discovered while pursuing research into hair restoring creams, Profunditol’s effects were immediately apparent. “You eat a bowl of it, or put a couple of scoops of it on a sugar cone, and take it like it’s ice cream,” explained company janitor Sid Viscous. “It tastes terrible! But it’ll make you smarter in a hurry. Look at Joe Biden: he takes it every day.”

So does Violet Crepuscular, “But she’s now too smart,” said Viscous, “to do an endorsement for free.”

Profunditol is expected to transform the human race into vast multitudes of scientists, philosophers, artistes, and vagabonds.

Ask your community organizer about it today!