Category Archives: satire

I seen ‘Julio’s Seezure”!!

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I went and seen a play Last nihght it “was” Julio’s Seezure wrote by some “guy” his Name its Shakaspeer, it was”at” the Stodent Centaur And it was “put on” by our Collidge’s own Socile Jutstus Players but thare Wasnt noboddy named Julio in it “and” noboddy thay had no seezure! Insted it was al theese guys thay Was waring towls and Bed Sheats and thay caled them selfs Romins, i has no Idear waht “that” was al abote!

Besides, it Was al abote Donold Trumpt!!! Frist thay coldnt find noboddy who wantedd “to” play him but finely Some boddy he sayed he wuld “do it”, The showe must go on!!

Wel i was geting pretty Board and then abote haffway “threw” the Play soddenly evry Boddy thay al stabed Donold Trumpt to deth!!! WOW! Blood all over The plaice!! and then it was OOPS! becose thay reely stabed him “and” he was reely ded, dead, deadd!! and evry Boddy thay al kinda freeked out!!

So the cops thay came and aksed A Lot of qeustoins and finely thay taked Away “the” boddy it sure was “a” Mess! and A Lot of us we was warried and We al preyed to Pressadint Obamma to make nobody get in trubble we awlyas preys to him becose us Interllecturals at Collidge we “know thare”” isnt no God!!

Abnd this “moarning” goood neuws!! The Prosticuter he “is” a Dembocrat and he sayed “it was” jist a axiddint or may be Suecide but it sure wasnt No murrder so thare wont be no Boddy gets errested!!

And my Prefesser he sayed it dont Matter becose Donold Trumpt he “is so” Bad, even if yiu jist preetend to be him yiu jist as bad as him is and It “surves” yiu rihght to get stabed and kilt!!!

But i mussed Con-fest I sort of losed My appertight wen i seen al That bloood on them nice sheats and towls!

Waht a grate Play thiouhgh!!!


A TV Series That Can’t Miss: ‘Nut Squad’

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I’ve got to publicize my idea for a hit TV series before someone else thinks of it, so here it is.

Nut Squad relates the adventures of a group of delusional crackpots who show up at crime scenes, claiming to be from a secret government organization, and provide the investigating police with totally loopy scenarios–like, say, “Inspector, this man was not murdered! That thing that looks like a gunshot wound is where a kind of alien mantis chewed its way out of his body…” And they produce credentials that look real–until they’re checked, of course–so the cops have to listen to them. It’s sort of The X-Files meets The Three Stooges. The looks on the detectives’ faces as they listen to this pure crapola–I mean, what actor wouldn’t love playing one of those scenes?

A Nut Squad episode will usually end with the police chasing the Nuts and trying to shoot them, they’re so mad at all the time that got wasted, listening to these boobs. The thing is to see how far the Nuts can push the situation before it explodes in their faces.

OK, I’m waiting for offers from producers…


Yiu Has got To Sleeep With Trans Peple!

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[Warning: a bit more revolting than usual. But that’s our culture.]

Hear at Collidge we “are” goin to Hit Trans Phobbia good “and” Hard! Thare “is” a Trans bloger she ze? reely sayed it When xe sayed and i qote, “”Not being Attracted to trans peple it is deeeply Trans Phobbic”” (http://www.dailywire.com/news/17419/apparently-youre-deeply-transphobic-if-you-dont-amanda-prestigiacomo)!!

Wel us Interllecturals we al say “it” is a biggit Hat Crime not to sleeep With Trans peple and So we revolve To Do Somthinge abote it!! Wee are Settin “up a” Cammitty that Wil deside who yiu goin To sleeep With! And aslo the cammitty it “wil” deside whoo yure Frends are and it wil Pick Them for yiu!!! Thiss is neseccary becose peple thay is All Biggits at harte and thay is Not Diverss enuohgh in Thare Frend Ships!!!

I amb not Trans Phobbic in Facked i amb deeeply Atractored to Trans Peple! I amb tryin to be Trans tooo and That is “wy” i “get” shoot Up whith al them Moth Hormoans only al it done “so Far” is jist To make thees Moth Antenners groan out of my Fourhead and aslo make Me “wantt” To Eat sox and Hankerchiffs!! Aslo i ait a peece of a Carpit once but It was awful Diffaclut to chewe! So i willlin to sleeep With any Trans Parson iff thay wuld “jist give” me a Chanse!! Al them peple whoo thay Wont have “Secks” with me thay are Biggits tooo!

Yiu see Now that ordrinary dum Peple thay are “tooo” stopid to chews thare owen Frends and Secks Pratners that “is” wy Us Smart Interllecturals we has got to “do” it four them!!!

And that wil leed To troue Socile Jutstus!!!!


Souping Up the Classics

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Here at Effing University (home of Joe Collidge!), we at the English Dept. have found a solution to the problem of students reading literature that contains objectionable elements of White Privilege, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, Climate Change Denial, cultural appropriation, and funambulism. Most of this problematic content is found in what unenlightened persons call “the classics”–that is, old stuff, most of it written by white males. As hard as we try to restrict students’ reading to material published after 2008, there’s always someone sneaking off to read the classics.

And so, with the help of a $455 million grant from the Foundation for Pure Evil, we are going to get to work rewriting the classics to make them conform to our current understanding of–well, I don’t want to say “truth,” because our position is that there is no such thing; but you get what I mean.

Here, by way of example, is one of the classics that we have rewritten: 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Julia Verne. Yes, we changed “Jules” to “Julia” to reflect feminism’s awesome contribution to world literature.

In our rewrite, “Captain Nemo” is an African-American gay woman who has invented and built the super-submarine, the Nautilus, to fight Climate Change. That means she must also fight Climate Change Denial, which she does by sinking ships that have white males on them. All members of her crew are LBGTQ and persons of color. The involuntary guests of the Nautilus–Prof. Arronax, Conseil, and Ned Land–have been rewritten as gay women of color who are in their respective countries without documentation.

We have begun work on rewriting A Tale of Two Cities by Charlene Motumbu, with London and Paris–ugh! horrible cities, crammed full of men!–replaced by Baghdad and Aleppo.

Says our department chair, Dr. Fimbo Pantywaist, “We will not allow any of our students to pick up counterrevolutionary ideas through the medium of literature, classical or otherwise. There is no so-called ‘classic’ that cannot be improved by replacing its reactionary elements with themes of gender fluidity and man-made climate change. From now on, all books are to teach those lessons. All the time!”


How The humin Race got Started Without No men

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Oh did i here a grate lexture last Nihght!! It was bye Our “specile guesst” at Collidge she is A prefesser “of” Femnist Inter-Sexional Byology and she telled us how orgineraly al the First “humins” thay was jist gay wimmin Veggertarians and thare wasnt no mails!! Thats rihghjt, thare was onely Wimmin!!!

Thare wasnt no men Come along “untill” mutch Later wen The mails thay Evolved from some Kind of munkey that the Wimmin thay “keeped” as pets! and that “is” wen Evalution it started and them little munkeys “thay” Evolved into Cave Men and thats wen humins thay begun “to go” Down Hill!!! I forget waht kind Of munkeys thay was,, thay had a Sceintiffick name thats reel Hard to spel

This hear lexture it Made “a” lot of Things cleer to me that i diddnt undrestand befour! Like it was them Mails that infented Captolism and thay “forsed” evry One to do it and then Even wursse thay infented Religgin and thay forsed “evry One to” do that tooo! And thats How evry Thing it got so bad wen It “used to” be goood!

So iff we want To make humins good agian we Got to Transsission evry boddy “back” to Femail, witch Sceince it have showed Us how “to doo it!! and then Hillery she wil finely “be” the Pressadint insted of that Trumpt althuohgh wen he transes into a wimmin too he wont “be so” bad no more!!


A Salute to the Nooze Media

To: All staff and personnel at The New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, and other assorted nooze media

Re: James Comey hearings

In which it becomes apparent even to you–well, maybe not to you, but surely to everybody else–that President Trump is not, and has not been, under investigation, and that neither Comey nor anyone else has found any evidence that “the Russians stole the election from Hillary.”

You have been telling lies.

And here is your reward.


This Meens War!!!

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Iff yiu has not joyned #The Resistiance “yet” wel whatt Are yiu weiting for?? Yiu must be a reel stopid Racist Biggit!

Yeasterdday that Donold Trumpt he shuld Not be pressadint it shuld “be” Hillery, he went and busted “the” Intrenatonal Climbit Change Treety! That it was jist “whatt” them Russhans thay wanted him “to” do!! And now he going To Kill Everybody in the Worled and Destroy The Planit jist so he “can” make a big prophit!

Yiu jist weit til Climbit Change it takes Aweiy al the Air and yiu cant Breeth no more and aslo Every place it wil alll be Under Water!!! then yiu willl al be Sorry but it Wil “be tooo” late!! Keeth Odorman he “was” rihgjt wen “he was” on TV and he sayed Al the intellerginces in al The ohther countrys thay has got To get ridd of Trumpt! He wuld Not be on TV iff he wasnt reel Smart!

Butt no! No boddy thay didnt lissen “to” him and Now look waht hapens!

I has alyaws sayed The onely thing this evel Racist contry fill of De-Plorribles has got goin for It that “is” Us Interllecturals hear at al The Collidges and now We Are “the” only Ones that Can Save The Worled witch meens al yiu Odrinary Dum Peple yiu got to Obay us from now on!! And the frist Thing yiu got to Do is overthrough Trumpt!! Befour The Planit it runs Out “of” air and We al gets drownded!! This gots to Be done rihgjt now!!!! and then we musst make Hillery the pressadint and Pressadint Obamma he musst be Pressadint of The Worled becose onely he “is” smart enuhgh!

Rememember, thare cant be No more life On This Planit unles yiu obays us Interllecturals!!!


More Amazing False Facts

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If we ever do go fully postmodern, and we want to get along, we must master the art of non-factuality. If nothing is true, we must rely on statements that sound true when spoken with a calm conviction. We also wish to convey non-information that will impress our hearers.

So here are a few that you can practice on. See if you can wow people you meet on the supermarket checkout line!

*The Welsh people originally came from China in the 1940s. Prior to that, Wales was inhabited by movie stars.

*The game of polo was invented by Thomas Edison–not by Tesla, as is erroneously believed. In Tesla’s game, players rode on hogs, not horses.

*The fad of indoor fireworks was responsible for the Great Chicago Fire of 1506.

*The original, classical Greek alphabet had only five letters in it, all of them vowels. Consonants were only added after the Romans complained.

*The earliest living things on Planet Earth were rocks, although they didn’t look it.

There you have it, just what you need to get started. Remember, Saving The Planet depends on making twaddle sound like wisdom.


Freee Speach It Dont Cover No Hat Speach!

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We had a Big demmastracion hear “at” Collidge this moning to forse them Biggits in Austrialier to leaglize Gay Marridge and then some Hater he come Along “and” saying Marridge jist a man And a wimmin i culdnt beleave Ennyone thay wuld say somthing So hatful And biggited so We al Beat him up and aslo we turned his Car over excep it turned out It Was “a” prefessers Car and he got kind of Mad!

And then we had a Teach-In and we lernt that Howerd the Deen, i dont know “waht Collidge he” is deen of but Iff he is a deen Then he must Be “exter” Smart, he sayed the Frist Ammendant it dont cover no hat speach and we Must Not Alow no boddy to say nothing aginst Diversity!! Enny One “whoo” deevates from *Diversity* thay got to be Stoped and throwed In Jale! thay has no Rihgjt to Dis-Respeck and Not Agreee with *Diversity*!!

I dint know thare is stil Cuontrys thay has Not leaglized Gay Marridge in Fact it shuld Be The “only kind” of Marridge that are alowed! but i gess Wee wil has to weit for Pressadint Obamma wen he’s Pressadint of the Worled and then Not have Gay Marridge “it” wil be Aginst The Law!!!

Wel alll that demmastraitin It made “me” hongry so i has got to fined Some sox to has for lunch! Becose To Morrow we has got a Even biggger demmastracion for Univercial Free Helath Care and aslo Univercial Free Tution at Collidge for as Long “as yiu” kneed to Stay thare and aslo Free Univercial Food! And iff we has Time “we” wil aslo demmastrait For “it” be Aginst The Law to say Any thing Bad abote Sceince!!!


Our Pubic Beleaf sistum!

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Thare was a artickle on this hear blogg “a feiw” days aggo, it show yiu jist “how” stopid that dum lee is, he didnt larn not “a” Singal Thing wen he “was” In Collidge al them yeers aggo and aslo he has Forgot evrything he lernt!! He comed rihgjht out “and” addmits he dont know “the” diffrints betwine pryvet beleaf sistum and Our officile and Good Pubic Beleaf Sistum!

Some teecher in some Scool somwear she sayed to some Other teecher I “wil prey for yiu!” Can yiu beleave anyboddy she wuld Say somthing So stopid??? So she got In Trubble like she desarved and thay tole her yiu cant do no Intergreating pryvet beleaf sistim With “our” pubic beleaf sistum and That moreon lee he say he dont evven know Waht Our Pubic Beleaf Sistum it Is!!!

Wel yiu dumby let Me inlihgtin yiu! Hear is ore pubic Beleaf Sistum!

Thare istnt No god so yiu cant say Nothing abote no preying! And evrything in yuor stopid Cristinity it is wrong, wrong, Wrong!! And Sceince it is Reel and It “is”awlyays Rihghjt and Soon it wil “be” Aginst The Law if yiu deenye Climbit Change and say yiu Dont beleave in Evilutoin! And aslo Bortion and Gaye Marridge it Is “aslo” rihghjt and yiu Better Cellarbrate it Or Else!!

So that it Is our Pubic Beleaf Sistum and if yiu dont like It “yiu are” jist a idjit and a Hater and a Biggit! He aslo say he dont know Who thinked up Our Pubic Beleaf, well duhhh! It Is us Interllecturals, We thinked It up and we Are smartter than Ordrinary dum peple, thats Whye we al in Collidge!!

And yiu Better “get whith” The Programb boy or wen Hillery she “is” finly Pressadint yiu goin to Get “a” Jale sentints!! Ha Ha Ha!!!

P.S. my prefesser he “jist tole” me i shuld rite Publick and not Pubic but it dont Reely mater becose its jist “as” troe eether whay!


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