False Facts for the Summer!

Elmer Fudd Cardboard Cutout / Standee / Standup. Buy Looney Tunes Cardboard  Cutouts at Starstills.com

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, announcing the latest release from Acme False Facts Inc.–the Deluxe False Facts Summer Set for 2022! If you order now, before the first day of summer, you’ll get $85 taken off your shipping and handling. And you’ll also have time to memorize some of your favorite false facts, to be trotted out on the beach to an awed and admiring crowd.

Here’s a wee selection of items on the menu, just to turn you on. All facts guaranteed 100% false!

*Elmer Fudd was a real person; in fact, he was a U.S. Senator named Frank Feezle, best known for saying, “Mistah Vice Pwesident, thea’s something vewy scwewy going on awound hea!”

*Cave paintings found near Shoatsburgh, Pennsylvania, radiocarbon-dated to 2000 B.C. depict all the major characters from the “Archie” comic strip. Scientists admit they’re puzzled.

*The largest goldfish ever caught on rod and reel (by Mrs. Bertha Fandango, 1911) was really only 7 inches long; but it looked much bigger from certain angles. The entry in the record book has been slightly modified.

*World Chess Champion Boris Slitely used to practice by pushing chessmen off a shelf and watching them bounce on the floor. Then he would jump off his chair and bat the fallen chessmen around the floor until they disappeared under the furniture.

*In 1584 Sultan Abdel-el-Kukri Rogers ordered all Turkish Navy personnel to call each other by pet names. He was overthrown by Osman “Fido” McQuillan, who much later on in life became a TV talk show host.

Remember–stand tall, throw out your chest, look ’em in the eye, and recite a false fact. You’ll be amazed how it moves people to stand in awe of you. You might even have a future in politics!

Just $779.95 for the whole set.

Ye Olde Fox Hunt (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

A letter from reader Ambrose Twidgeon in Babbo Township, Pellucidar, has served as a timely reminder to the Queen of Suspense, Violet Crepuscular.

“Dear Ms. Crepuscular,” the letter reads, “what ever happened to the traditional olde English fox hunt in Scurveyshire? How can you write about English country life without the fox hunt? I am so upset with you, I had to break my model airplanes!”

Ms. Crepuscular’s reply is found in her introduction to Chapter CDLXXXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

“As a matter of fact,” she trombolizes, “I was just about to write about the fox hunt when Mr. Twidgeon’s letter arrived. Really, I do not need any guidance in writing romance novels! Let me offer this friendly reminder to Mr. Twidgeon: Get lost!”

The hereditary master of the Scurveyshire Hunt is Lady Margo Cargo, who inherited it from her father along with a persistent halitosis. She can’t ride a horse, so she leads the hunt in a golf cart driven by a condemned prisoner. No fox has been caught since Lady Margo took over.

(What about the Scurveyshire Fair, Violet? And the vicar’s backyard wading pool?)

“If I get any more friendly reminders from ignoramuses who think they know how I should write my novels, I am very much afraid that I shall lose my temper,” Ms. Crepuscular writes. So vanishes all hope of finding out about the fair and the wading pool. She’s in one of her moods.

The chapter ends without the fox hunt actually starting.

Oh, No! Worse Than Monkeypox!

Sea Monkeys: False Advertising of Science Can Still be Fascinating!

Done with COVID-19? Not yet suitably scared of monkeypox?

Well, hang onto your hats–here comes sea monkeypox!

“Yeah, folks, sorry about that, but we gotta lock you down again,” says Chief Phrenologist Otto Blotto, of the World Wellness Fanabla (WWF). “Thank goodness we already have drop boxes, absentee ballot forms, and mail-in ballots stockpiled in Mordor. So it won’t affect the midterm elections.”

According to information found inside a box of Lucky Charms, sea monkeypox can be contracted by anyone (and probably everyone) living within 2,500 miles of any salt water. Symptoms include a weird-looking physique, growth of a caudal appendage (he means a tail), a sudden eagerness to be trained, and shrinkage down to the size of a brine shrimp. Successful therapy includes casting multiple votes for the Democrat candidate in your district.

At all times, Dr. Blotto added, the WWF will live true to its Scientific Motto: “Democracy dies when Democrats don’t win.”

Byron’s TV Listings, May 21

multiple image galleries

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s weekend TV listings. Lee is off getting interviewed somewhere, so I’m on my own. I don’t mind if you don’t!

Here are a few samples from our weekend menu.

2 P.M.  Ch. 11   DANCE TO THE MUZAK–Game show

Our hidden camera watches contestants dance to the Muzak that’s pumped into the elevator car while regular passengers watch, confused and maybe just a little bit scared! The grand prize goes to the contestant who can annoy and unsettle the most riders without getting punched in the nose. Host: Sales vice president Jack “Happy” Pew at Metro Studebaker, Ponca City.

2:15 P.M.  Ch. 08  JIMMY FRAUD’S DELUSIONS–News

He’s only just discovered that he’s psychic, and can report the news before it actually happens. None of his predictions has come true, so far, but “that’s only natural, I’ve got to get warmed up,” he explains. Co-anchor: Dan Rather. With T’an Pu T’ing and his pots and pans orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22  HYPOCHONDRIAC HEAVEN–Variety/medical

You name it, someone in the audience has it! Join host Jacob Marley as he tries to find a disease that no one in the studio has or has had. It’s been three years since he thought he’d found one–only to have a man with just one buttock claim the prize. Color commentary by Joyce Carol Oates. Special guest: Alvin the Octopus.

3 P.m.  Ch. 36  MOVIE–Horror

“The Man Who Feared Hamsters” (Bolivian-Silurian, 1996) is Shabby Jones (bodybuilder Tom Platz), marked for death by the KBG (no, not the KGB!), must elude the killer hamsters that they’ve programed to hunt him down and eat him. Film critic Prabhu Patnabhirish called it “Absolutely the worst movie ever made.” Spymaster: Ben Gunn. Femme Fatale: June Allyson. Assassins: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “I Busted My Coccyx on the See-Saw.”

Ch. 48  DUST BUNNIES–Western adventure, with soliloquies

Who are the Dust Bunnies? The most feared gunfighters who ever hid under a bed! Marshal Pete Cottontail (Richard Simmons) recruits only the toughest, meanest, deadliest hombres. This week: The Bunnies take on savage Sea Monkeys for control of Drybones Air Force Base, just two miles out of Tucson. Hoppy: Zoe Caldwell. Floppy: John Inman. Col. Tubbs: Some guy from New Jersey.

Well, folks, I hope these have whetted your appetite for another weekend of glorious, edifying, hair-raising television!

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

(Rushing to get to my TV before I miss anything! Byron the Quokka, signing off)

 

Baybys Thay Has Got ‘To’ Go To Collidge Tooo!!!!!

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We has got a trooly exiting projjict foar “the” Stoodint Soviet nhow!!!

We jist figgured Out “that” Baybys and Twoddelers thay doughnt “go” to Collidge!!! This heer It Is Unconchable!!!!!!!

So we “are” goingto Bring Baybys and reely liddle Kids heeer to Collidge and maik themb Smart lyke us!!!!! Eech of us on “the” Spatial Chilldrin’s Eddication Projjict we wil by Big Sibblings to theeze kidds and teech “themb” Awl Abuot Sexchual Floowid and Sistembic Racism and Proatest and waht a Stinkin Countree Amairica it Is!!!!!! We whil taik themb “to” Class whith us hellp themb See how stopid “thare” Pairints “are”!”!!

Imadgine Haow smart “theeze” kidds thay “willl Be” iff thay spend lyke ayteen ((18)) oar twenny ((20)) oar moar Yeers in Collidge!!!!!! Haow Grate is that??!? Thay whil eevin Do Play-Doh whith us!!! And wen a Kid ze is fyve ((5)) Yeers Oald thenn thay Can “deeclair” thare Mayjer!!!!!!

We “can” “do” Thiss becose Jobydin he sayze he whil get us “Owt” of hasing to Pay enny “tuission” fromb nhow on!!!!!!

The Scurveyshire Fair (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

Every so often, by law, Scurveyshire is obliged to hold The Scurveyshire Fair at a location determined by lot. In 1806 the lot fell on Umm Shebet, a village in the marshes of Iraq. This year it’s the vicar’s back yard.

“Will this be the end of the vicar’s deadly wading pool?” Violet Crepuscular asks her readers. She waited several days for an answer but didn’t get one. It has left her in a bad mood. She refuses to write Chapter CDLXXXIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. It was all we could do to get her to introduce Chapter CDLXXXVI.

“No one has counted the victims who were sucked or pulled under the wading pool, never to be seen again,” she writes. “If the Fair is held around the pool, how many more will perish? Oh, forsooth, the suspense! I’m the Queen of Suspense and I can hardly take it!”

Meanwhile, the Useless Sheriff of Scurveyshire, whose extra nose makes him look like a cubist portrait, has fallen under the spell of Mr. Bigcheeks, the lineal descendant of the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. Mr. Bigcheeks has used his arcane power over the Sheriff to make him do ridiculous things. The Lovesick Beagle imitation has to be seen to be believed. Imagine the trouble he’d make if he knew he was descended from a genuine, real-life wizard.

We join Lord Jeremy Coldsore in Chapter CDLXXXVII next week, after the first of the pinwheel booths gets swallowed up by whatever’s under the wading pool

Byron’s TV Listings, May 14

Michael J. Hayde's BETTER LIVING THROUGH TELEVISION: Unfortunate Timing for TV  Guide

Crikey! May is already half-over. Time really flies when you’re watching great TV.

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with another weekend’s worth of skintillating television brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. Here are a few samples from our menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 46  ANNUAL DINDLE AWARDS–Duh, awards show?

Who’s the biggest dindle on TV, this year? Who’s the actor they tried to burn at the stake (lucky for him it rained)? This year’s Dindle Awards extravaganza focuses on the career of Zeb Fingle, a famous celebrity we guarantee you never heard of. There were a lot of movies Zeb meant to make, but never got around to any of them. Emcee: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 51   THE TAWAGALAWAS–Ancient sitcom

Ever since the ancient Hittite comedy/drama serial was discovered on cuneiform tablets deep underneath a modern nail salon in Tuberville, Wales, scholars have been working to translate it into Japanese, English, and Esperanto… and now it’s ready!

Meet the Tawagalawas, a 12th-century B.C. Hittite family with a rambunctious teenaged son (Floyd Vivino), a daredevil daughter (Phyllis Diller), and a tyrannical Assyrian boss (Phil Silvers) who wants to enslave them. “Best Hittite sitcom ever!”–Rex Reed. “Makes those Babylonian sitcoms look like dog-meant”–Sir Kenneth Clark.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   PRIVATE EYES, PUBLIC LEGS–Crime drama

By night they’re 16 high-kicking dancers; by day, they’re solving crimes. The June Taylor Dancers star as a dance troupe bringing law and order to a city that has defunded the police and doesn’t know how to fund them back. This week: the Dancers have a close shave when they get stuck in a closet, all trying to see the same clue at once. Guest star: Pablo Casals, without his cello.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 18  NEWS THAT NOBODY WANTS–News (sort of)

Ever wonder about the news stories that no one bothered to cover? The stuff that was left on the cutting room floor–if it even got that far?

Anchor Jimmy Fraud and his crack team of homeless beggars canvass the major studios to buy unwanted footage. Tonight: A woman finds a yellowjacket in her mailbox; an interview with some idiot mumbling with his mouth full of oatmeal; some film shot with the lens cap still on.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM–Action/adventure/philosophy

Ricardo Montalban and Phil Rizzuto star in “So Long, Cannibals!” (Norwegian, 1997), as adventurers seeking a lost city in the Amazon rain forest, only to find it inhabited by cannibals who think they’re movie stars. Featuring Soupy Sales, Denis Menke, Maggie Smith, Jacqueline Bisset, and the hit song, “Adenoids on Fire,” by Christy Schmendrick.

Well, folks, if that doesn’t tempt you, I just give up!

Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

We Has Awl Gots to Has A Bortion!!!!

Apple Introduced 'Pregnant Man' Emoji to be Trans Inclusive, But Some Users  are Angry

Hear “at” Collidge we has awl gots to go Out “and” Demminstrait for bortions,, butt frist we hadded a lexture!! so thatt we whil Know “waht” we “are” tawlking abuot!!!!

So we heerded awl abuot a heero naimed Rovy Waid, he maid a bortion leegle!!!!! He toled the Soupreem Cort waht to do and thay “done” It!!!!! Ownly nhow the Soupreem Cort thay has broke the Law!!!!! Thay woont Let Preganint Peeple has bortions!!!!!!

So we the Stoodint Soviet we has deesided “that” “fromb” nhow On evry boddy thay has got to has a bortion! weather thay Whant “it” Or Not!!!! Becose Bortions thay whil Saive The Plannit!!!!!!!!!!

We “are” awl goingto has a Bortion!!! Evry stoodint heer “At” Collidge have got “to” get pregganint and has a Bortion!!!! Baybys thay are No Good annyhaow!!!! Whoo kneads themb?? Beeing pregganint it is jist “a” dizzeeze!!! Like meezles! Or hooping cauff!! And annywhay yiu “Are Not” a purson unlest And Untill yiu voat foar Jobydin!!!!! Thats’ waht we lurnt “in” our lexture, It was Grate!!!!

And of coarse this here it “is” awl Donold Trumpt’s fawlt!!!!!! But we can ficks it iff evry boddy thay Has a Bortion!!!

Well I gotto go And demminstrait nhow!!!!!!

 

Guest Blogger: Attila the Hun

Attila the Hun - Portraits

Greetings! Betcha thought I was dead. Well, I’m not–just enjoying an unusually long retirement. I haven’t sacked a city in, oh, must be going on 17 hundred years. You lose your taste for it–ya know?

I’m here today because there was an incident in my career that the old poops who write history books have kind of forgotten about.

I forget what year it was. I was kind of hovering around the north of Italy with my Huns, thinkin’ about goin’ to Rome and raisin’ some cane, when some Romans showed up at my camp and–you’re not gonna believe this, but it’s true!–they handed me a petition. I mean, who petitions Attila the Hun? I was so surprised, I forgot to have them put to death for bugging me.

This petition, signed by everybody and his brother, actually asked me to hurry up and invade Italy! They were so ticked off by the high taxes the Roman Senate laid on them, they figured that whatever my Huns snatched up, whatever loot and booty and plunder we took, would still be a lot less than the Senate meant to take. And maybe I’d knock out the Roman army while I was at it.

All right, I never did get all the way to Rome, and I got out of Italy because it was getting too weird there–but I never forgot that petition.

And here’s the kicker. The tax rate that all those Roman farmers and businessmen were so upset about… it was only 5 percent!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The Riddle of the Sphinx: Solved?

Great Sphinx of Giza | Description, History, & Facts | Britannica

Who says a Ph. D. in Gender Studies is worthless?

The world of archaeology is buzzing with a new theory advanced by Dr. Ringly Fungo, professor of Gender Studies at Hooza University. Who was the great Sphinx? Scholars have puzzled over this for centuries.

Now Dr. Fungo has the answer.

“It’s some guy with a lion’s body!” he declares. “It’s not some lion with a human head. Those were very, very rare!”

But who was it? A pharaoh? A prince? A high priest of Amun-Ra?

“For that information, we have to turn to Superhero Studies,” Dr. Fungo says. “That narrows it down considerable-like. The ancient Egyptians, who were all racists, concealed the statue’s identity. They also gave their superheroes silly names. But it’s either The Mighty Thor–who, it turns out, was a woman–or a superhero from Atlantis named Brandon.”

How did he come to that conclusion?

“You are triggering me with that question!” he replies. “I no longer feel welcome here! I no longer feel affirmed. Don’t even think of following me into my safe space!”