Category Archives: satire

We has Got it Now!!

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See that thare Piture?? That “is” a Carbin Mollycule and Carbin it is very very Bad!!

Wel hear at Collidge we is done somthing Abote it!! We haved a meting of the Stodent Soviet last “nihght” and we desided that Fromb Now On we are going “to” has A Carbin-Free Campas!!!!!

This it has bin thunk up “by” our Smartist Interllecturals!

Yes thare woont be no more Carbin aruond hear and thare whil be Punishmint for anny boddy Who brings anny Carbin onto The Campas!! Carbin it causses Globble Warming and Climbit Change! Evry stodent who sees a Carbin Mollycule on the sidewaulk or “on” the grass yiu has to Pick “it Up” and get ridd of it!! and we willl has Socile Jutstus Teems going alll aruond to Make “sure” yiu do!!!

This hear IT ‘IS’ THE VERY FRIST STEP TO HAS A CARBIN-FREE WHORLD!!! Only of coarse if Hillery she was pressadint like she shood be only Trumpt and the Russins thay coluted, wel we wood all reddy has a Carbin-Free “Americka”!!

We are reel exytid becose our Party Chair Wimmin she sayed probly The UN it whil quick pick “up” on this and set up Carbin-free Zoans evry ware!!!!! and we wil probbly get golden meddles or statchues of us!

So iff yiu “see” any “of” them Carbin Mollycule anny ware yiu bettar deestroy themb or else!!! Ore Socile Jutstus Teems thay meen bisniss!!!

Dont make us hert yiu!!


This Just In!

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Scientists at Fanabla University have discovered “significant decrease in brain volume” in persons who are politically liberal.

“We are most grievously dismayed to discover this,” said Dr. Haffa Baggon, director of the research team, “but this is now the settled science, so there’s nothing that can be done about it.”

As the brain shrinks, he explains, the interior of the cranium fills up with “this disgusting fatty tissue” completely surrounding the brain.

The average adult liberal male, the research team found, “has a brain no bigger than a freakin’ orange,” said a team member who did not wish to be identified. “The all-time small brain champion,” he added, was a Gender Studies professor whose brain was the size of a walnut.

The researchers, according to a reliable source, are currently preparing to flee to another continent.


Constable Chumley Testifies in Kavanagh Hearings!

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Democrat Senators have been reduced to calling fictional characters to testify against Judge Brett Kavanagh’s appointment to the Supreme Court. Already heard as witnesses against Kavanagh have been Captain Ahab, Betty and Veronica, and Tristram Shandy. But the star so far has been Constable Chumley of Scurveyshire, from Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

Asked by Senator Corey “Spartacus” Booker (D-Parallel Universe) whether Judge Kavanagh had ever harassed or molested any country maids in Scurveyshire during the reign of Queen Victoria, Constable Chumley answered vigorously–well, at least as vigorously as any fictional character can manage.

“Ooh, yeye, thar’ wee no thrickin’ bawn a-tall!” The Constable nods for emphasis. “I delly, footh, ’twas mair yon Kavanagh thoo’ briggle!” He went on in this vein for 90 minutes, no one daring to interrupt him.

The next witness, Ms. Violet Crepuscular herself, testified, “My feelings are the same as Constable Chumley’s.”

TOMORROW: Democrat Senators to call on characters from books and stories that haven’t been written yet.


‘Oy, Rodney’ Explodes with Action!

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I only wrote that headline because Violet Crepuscular introduces Chapter CCXIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with the teaser, “Chapter CCXIV of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, explodes with action!” I suppose it had to, given the total lack of any action whatsoever in Chapter CCXIII, about which the less said, the better. I suspect she may have been impaired while writing it.

Before he can commandeer and hitch up a team of oxen to drag away the sinister wading pool in the vicar’s back yard, Constable Chumley has had to ask the vicar’s permission to do so. This should have happened in Chapter CCXIII. At any rate, the vicar demurs.

“My dear fellow, you can’t do that! I haven’t paid for it yet!”

“Yair, vicar, I screeve a delly mure,” says the constable.

“That’s exactly what I would say, if I were you,” replies the vicar.

At this point Ms. Crepuscular interjects a political observation. We shall pass over it.

Unable to get the vicar’s permission, Constable Chumley abandons that part of his assignment and returns to Coldsore Hall to search for clues that might lead him to Black Rodney’s hiding place. Lady Margo Cargo is present at Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s bedside, feeding him mealworms to speed his recovery. Both are disconcerted when the constable enters the bedroom and begin feeling about under the covers.

“What the deuce are you doing? Stop that!” cries Lord Jeremy.

“M’lord, ’tis nae fairthy twa’ wee trilling clues,” explains the constable.

“He’s right, my love,” says Lady Margo.

But there are no clues hidden in the bedclothes, and Lord Jeremy continues to complain. “Your hands are like ice, Constable! Go look for clues somewhere else!” No one minds when the constable departs to look for clues at the bottom of a tankard of ale at The Lying Tart.

Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, enters the room. Lady Margo thinks he and Lord Jeremy are the same person, so it always dazzles her to see both of them at once. In deference to her feelings, he exits without a word.


We Has got A Goolog!!

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Hear at Collidge we was going “to” make a Goolog for al them biggits and christins “and” Throw them al into It and we amlost done it too only than we Finded Out that them Goologs in Russha thay “were reely” nice plaices!!!

Somboddy i thinck he Is “a” con-servvative he sayed the Goologs “thay” was jist theese offle consintraction camps “in” Cybeeria but we quick figgered Out he ownly sayed “that” jist to try To make Commbunizzm loook bad!!! We lernt that fromb Trans stodents down thare in Brittin! thay sayed peeple thay got sended to Goologs becose that it Was “the” Cumpashenit thingg to do!!!!

Well!! Jist think how dum we wuld of fellt iff we sended Biggits to a Nice Plaice!! thay was probly jist Iching to be sended “thare”!! But hahaha the joake it is on themb!!!!!

We stil goingto has a Goolog but insted of sending biggits thare we will send our selfs!!! How abote that yiu dum biggits!??! We get the Goolog and yiu jist “has” To stay outsyde!! We whil be doing Play Doh “and” eatin Soy Cookys wile yiu has “to” whork!!

PS>.–i Lookeded up Cybeeria on a Map “butt” thare is no sutch plaice it was jist “An Other” lye them biggits tolled about Commbunizzm!


Constable Chumley: Detective (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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In Chapter CCXII of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, having discovered that the medieval sorcerer Black Rodney has been secretly planting cuss bags throughout Coldsore Hall, Lord Jeremy orders Constable Chumley to put a stop to it.

Here Ms. Crepuscular feels the need to interject some background material.”I feel the need to inject some background material,” she writes. “It must be stated that Constable Chumley is married; but his wife, Boudicca, left him because she could not understand his quaint rural dialect. She is currently serving as a mercenary soldier in Bolivia, where she is widely known as The Terror of the Andes.”

Be that as it may, the constable reports to Coldsore Hall for orders.

“I demand that you find Black Rodney and arrest him!” says Lord Jeremy. He is still confined to his bed, with his only entertainment provided by Johnno the Merry Minstrel, who can sing and play the harmonica at the same time, although he does neither especially well.

Constable Chumley’s expression turns grave. It’s quite a daunting sight.

“Aye, weel,” he replies, “that’s a snicket fair whittum, m’lord!” He shakes his head. “Gare Rodney, he’s a-flarrin’ tidy skipster, noo miscork aboot it.”

“I don’t care what you call him!” snaps Jeremy. “He’s holding up my wedding! And for heaven’s sake, get rid of that wading pool in the vicar’s back yard!”

“Nae veen, m’lord, ’tis a wallow thing, right enough.” He salutes Lord Jeremy and plods off to do his duty.

“What did he just say?” Jeremy wonders.

“He’ll give it his best shot, Germy,” explains the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, “but he don’t expect he’ll live to tell about it.”

Lord Jeremy sends for Johnno to perform “The Old Oaken Bucket.” This will require him to sing a duet with himself.


Joe Collidge’s Future in Doubt

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Usually on Fridays this blog gets a visit from Joe Collidge, and we get an update on educational failure and intellectual mischief. But now Joe’s future is a bit iffy. I mean the future of those “Joe Collidge” posts. We know his actual future is somewhat worse off than just iffy.

At least one reader wants Joe to go away. At least one wants him to stay. What about the rest of you? Should he be voted off the island?

The picture above is not Joe himself, but one of his Gender Studies professors. Joe puts a waste basket over his head whenever anyone tries to take his picture. The fact that he has grown a pair of moth antennae seems to embarrass him.


We has Got A Free Speach Zone!!

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Them consturvatiffs thay Are such “cry babys”!! alyaws carying On “abote” free speach and some Frist Amentmint or somthing! So hear at Collidge wee hadto Give “them” a Free Speach Zone ware thay “culd” say al thair stopid stuff!!!

So now we got a Free “Speach” Zone and it is this hear Old phone boooth, the phone it dont work no “More” and al the biggits and christins thay can go insyde thare and say stuff! Only Of Coarse we hadd to make Excceptoins!!

Thay can say what evver thay whant Insyde the Free Speach Zone as long As “thay” dont say none of the follering,

hat speach, Homo Fobier, Izlambo Fobier, Trans Fobier, Climbit Chainge De Nile, and aslo thay cant alloud to say Anny thing bad “abote” Hillery, she shuld Be pressident!, Pressident Obamma (becose he Is “the” Gratest guy evver!!), anny Demmo Crat, and aslo “thay” cant say Anny thing good abote Stopid Donold Trumpt, Repulbbicans, the bybble, christanity, wite peeple, Americka, and thay cant “say” nothing goood abuot Them Selfs neither—butt othir Than That it’s all Free Speach!!!!

We whill addd More Restrickcions layter as we think of them,, we probly Fourgot some wenh we writ up “the” list!

And aslo we wil has our Micro Grecian and Divercity Responts Teem standin out syde the phone boooth to get “them” whan thay come “out”!!!


Kavanagh Cheated at Football!

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Well, they’ve got the goods on him now! Judge Brett Kavanagh will never be confirmed to the Supreme Court… because, years ago, he cheated in a football game.

Democrat senators have turned up an eyewitness to the cheating. Che Lastima, an activist with Everybody Is Nazis But Us, describes the incident he saw. Mr. Lastima, 29, is a student majoring in Minority Gender Studies at Fimbo College University.

“I seen it in a football game, it was many years ago but the memory it is seared, seared, seared into my memory! Brett Kavanagh, he was playing football, and he was the quarterback, and he throwed a long, long pass, 45 yards if it was a foot–to hisself! And it is against the rules to throw a long pass to yourself, and he runned real fast and caught it, and he made a touchdown, and it was just total dirty cheating! Also he is a racist!”

“This alone is enough to disqualify him,” said Sen. Diane Feinstein.

Asked where, exactly, that particular football game was played, Mr. Lastima skillfully parried, “Only a white supremacist would ask that question!”


‘A Millenial Want Ad’ (2016)

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Just what kind of work do today’s college graduates intend to pursue? What are they best suited for?

https://leeduigon.com/2016/06/22/a-millenial-want-ad/

In a spirit of charity, we must always remember that such stupidity, such slothfulness, such ignorance is very rarely born but must be laboriously and carefully cultivated. From kindergarten to grad school, trillions of dollars are spent on making young people as dumb as brickbats.

To an alarming degree, the effort has succeeded.


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