Category Archives: satire

Ton ey Curtus’s Hand!!

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I seen a moovie “once” it was Al Abote The Vykings befour thay was a fotboll teem “and” thare was This guy Toney Curtus he got his “hand” choped off whith a Sowrd! and the rest “of” the moovie he didnt Have no Hand!

Wel lats nihght i seen another moovie with this guy Toney Curtus “in” it And waht do yiu know… his hand IT GROWED BACK!!! wOW! Yess thare it was, Two hands. One of my Moth Antenners it broke offf once But it growed rihght back Rihght “away” butt i dint know any one his hand “it” grow back!!!

I figgered Out it must of “ben” Sceince that make his “hand grow” back, Sceince reely is The Anwser! Evry Interllectural we knows that, It “is” wyh we al gone to Collidge!


Discrimbination aginst Peple who Arent Reel!

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Hear at Collidge we Are al hapy “becose” we got a New kind “of” Discrimbination to Protest and we “had” a big Protest jist this mourning!!

Yiu has herd of Racism and Sexism, wel now we has got to protest “aginst” Reel-ism!!! We jist dis-covered It this weak when A Unreel Person she posted this grate post in some Blog In “the” Hufinkton Post and then Thay puled it becose she “is Not” a Reel Person! (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.za/shelley-garland/could-it-be-time-to-deny-white-men-the-franchise_a_22036640/)

This it is Discrimbination puere and Simpul! If i am assined Mail Gender but i Self-Idintify as Femail wel That makes me A wimmin! So waht if i am a Ficktionle Person and i Self-idintify as a Reel Person, dont that Make me Reel???

Boy this has Been goin On “for” hunderds of yeares,al this hear Discrimbination aginst Peple who amn’t Reel!! And it is time Sosity we putt a Stop “to it!!!” Reel-ism it Is a squrge and it “is” aslo A hat crime aginst Socile Jutstace!! and anyyone who dose it thay are a Biggit! And we Are goin to Protest agane as sooon As we gets a New shipmant of Play-Doh!!

Un-Reel Peple “of” the Werld, rise up! Us Interllecturals at Collidge we wil leed Yiu to take yore ritefull Plaice!!!


Solving the Riddles of Ancient History: A Whole New Approach

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See this statue? We don’t know who or what he was. We don’t know when he lived. We don’t know a single word of his language. All we know is that this statue comes from the Indus Valley Civilization, where it was found in a city built around 2500 B.C. and abandoned some six or seven hundred years later.

But according to a whole new way of studying ancient history, we can now know all those things and more.

“All I has to do is just look at it, and then I know all about it,” says Dr. I. B. Loony, a professor of Social Gender and Environmental Global Justice at 57 States University. “For instance, that statue, the one that comes from the India Valley. That guy’s name was Harold Patel or something like that, and he was originally assigned the female gender, but like you see by the statue, he self-identified as male and his transition was totally successful! And the reason there is no more India Valley Civilization is because they stopped doing gender fluidity and that caused climate change and that was the end of them. A civilization that doesn’t got no gender fluidity is doomded to climate change!”

Because the language spoken by the Indus Valley people is unknown, and their writing system undeciphered, Professor Loony was asked how he knows these things.

“You are a racist!” he explained. “Biggit, biggit, biggit! Waaaaaah!” He then rolled about on the floor and made peculiar sounds, while pounding with his fists and feet and head.

“No one is allowed to question him,” said one of his students. “He just knows things, that’s all. We take his word for it. I asked him a question once, and I was in Diversity Training for two weeks after that, learning how to think like everybody else. And now you’d better leave before I call the Diversity Response Team and report you for a micro-aggression and violation of our safe space.”

NEXT: Professor Loony reveals the secrets of Egyptian pyramid construction.


Centaur Skeleton Escapes

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The coverup is over! Centaurs are real, and the government cannot control them.

A centaur skeleton has escaped from a secret facility operated by the U.S. Secret Facilities Agency, according to reports by Clickbait. The skeleton escaped by pretending to be a skeleton. While custodians were counting the flesh-and-blood centaurs, the skeleton slipped out via the fire escape.

There is no cause for alarm, stated William “Boffo” Paczynski, mayor of Pleurisy City, Kentucky. His comment led to speculation that the secret facility is located in or near his town.

Persons catching sight of the fleeing centaur skeleton are advised to shut up about it.


Reeding Grate Litterture!

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Haters thay think jist becose we in Gender Studies “it” meanes we hasnt got no taiste in litterture! Boy is that stopid thing to say! We “are” Interllecturals so of corse we reed grate litterture al the time!!

I has reeded al the grates,, Spiderman and Battman and Trans Formers witch “is my” favrote becose al them chacterers thay “are” Trans Gender! and to-day we “had a” guesst lectrer she teached us al “abuot how” Not to reed Racist litterture wrote by Wite Privledge Hattero-Sexist Mails! Becose it wil Rot yuor Mind and yiu only shuld “reed” litterture by wimmim and gay and peple thay are Not wite!

She sayed the porpose of litterture it “is to” Expant yuor Mind and make you Self more Progrestive! so i buyed me a isstue of “this” Doom Patrol Comick becose it got a pitcure of this hear Wite Mail he turnt into a Monster part Tryanosaurrus and part Octapuss! i think he “looks” like Donold Trumpt! and it taked me a Long Time to reed it and then i Had “to” throw it Out becose it didnt have no Gay Heero in it! and Besides it was “kind of” Racist tooo!

From Now On i wil onely reed litterture that cellerbates Diversity and thare istnt no Bynary Gender peple in it!!! and i wented To our Statchue of Pressadint Obamma and prombised him I wuld nevver reed no more Strait Wite Prifflidge litterture no more! That sure Made me feeel better!

PS, somboddy he jist toled me That thare wasnt no Octapuss in that comick After All it was some “kind of” Tree insted so now i has got to treye to Get my monny back!!!


Beware the Jackalope!

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All along we were thinking the jackalope is a mythical beast, and it turns out we were wrong!

Jackalopes have been sighted several times this week in various locations throughout the United States, leading some to believe that the creatures have been purposely released into agricultural areas–released as part of a cunning plan by Russia’s leader, Vladimir Putin, and in cahoots with President Donald Trump–to prevent progressive candidates from being elected to local office.

A spokesman for jackalopes said jackalopes are above politics and have too much self-respect to get involved in it.


Most Fantastic Education Reform Ever!

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Inspired by New York State’s decision to provide free college tuition to anyone whose family makes less than $125,000 a year, an esteemed progressive think tank has come up with “an even better plan.”

Democrats for Universal, Nice College Education (DUNCE) is now proposing not just free tuition for four years, but a scheme to keep every student enrolled in college until he or she earns a Ph.D.

“Gov. Cuomo is, like, y’know, sooo right when he says that college is the new high school!” said DUNCE People’s Comrade Iza Waiste. “Why stop at a bachelor’s degree–huh? huh!–when you can go on to get a master’s, and then a Ph.D.?

“Can you dig it? Can you imagine it? The whole country, the whole 300 million people, all with Ph.D.’s! It just don’t get more educated than that! And it only takes, what, 15-20-25 years! That’s like no time at all! Even if it takes 30 years, so what, it’s worth it!

“And it’s universal free tuition that makes it all possible. Think of the expansion! Think of all the new professors that we’ll have to hire! Think of the pensions! We’re talking, oh, 60, 70, or even 80 million sitting in our college classrooms every day. Think of all the new degree programs we’ll come up with!”

Asked how many prospective employers would be interested in hiring a 35-year-old Ph.D. in Hispanic Gender Studies for an entry-level job, Comrade Waiste laughed and said, “A few multi-million-dollar civil rights lawsuits will solve that problem in a hurry!”

Asked how the work of the country would get done, with 80 million people tied up all day in college classrooms, Comrade Waiste made a rude noise and ran away.


How we To Fix The Midleast!

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Thares this cuountry called Cereal or Somthing “like” that and The Rushians thay has took it over “so thay” can use it to Controll our electrons in Amarica and stopp Hillery from being Pressadint and then That big dop Donold Trumpt he gose and Bombs it!!! wel that is waht Hapens when yiu hastnt got No Interllecturals like us hear at Collidge runnning yore Fareingn Pollisy! And “that is” Whiy the World it is so messed up!!

Evryboddy knows Donold Trumpt he “wants To start” Worldwar III so he can maike Humin Beans exstinked and make A Huge Prophit!! Wel wee cant Let him doo that!!

The whay yiu fikx the Midleast is yiu Convints them al to Be Transgender that is waht wee lernt to-day In Gender Studies 666! Thay can al Still be Muslams but If al the men is wimmin and al wimmin thay is men then Thay “wil alll” be Hapier! To do this We wil has to Send them Nantsy Pullosy and Chuk Shoemer and aslo Jon Kerry he Is a War Hearo like Willam The conkerer! and thay wil Advice al the peple in Cereal how To Transision into Altranate Genders! And aslo to Maike them Feeel good abote “them Selfs” we must give them Nucular Whepins so thay can Bamb al them biggits and Racists whoo dint Vote For Hillery!!!

Thare is aslo peple thare caled Aribs but we jist Take them Out of Cereal and put them al in Sweeden and Germy, that “wil” maike Cereal less Crouded. And finily the Congris and Suepream Cort thay has got to Impeech Trumpt and make Hillery Pressadint and that wil Save The Plannit!!! And that is waht “us” Interllecturals we wuld doo to fiks The Midleast!


Transgender Centaur Sighting!

A reader who wishes his identity protected at all costs arranged for this video to be smuggled out of a university’s gender research facility. “If they know it was me who gave you this, I’m toast,” he says. Well, Dr. Gesundheit, your secret’s safe with us!

The video, it is claimed–by who? search me–is proof positive that centaurs, like humans, are sometimes transgendered. “You’ll see that for yourself if you watch carefully,” said Name Withheld. “This is a blockbuster discovery–on a par with discovering a Blockbuster Video store still open. It just blows away everything we thought we knew about centaurs.”


How we Wil stop Trump!

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Thay let me out “of” The infirmbery yeasterdday thay coldnt find nothing “wrong” With my brane evven thohgh i runned into the Class Room Dooor al that did Was it bended My Moth antenners! Thay thught i mihght of got A Concushion butt X-rays of my haed thay showed Nothing!

But oooh boy was I Up-set “whenh” i come Out of thare and i herd that No Good “Donold trump” he has Declaired War Aginst The Planet! and he throwed Out all Pressadint Obamma’s Climbit Change Regolatins and Trump he is goin To “make” the hole Humin Race extinked!!! jist so he Can make more Mony$$$!

Wel us Interllecturals hear At Collidge we has Got “to do” Somthing abote that!!! So ferst we played Whith Play-Doh and then “the” Prefesser of Spritulality she teached us This hear “thing” we can say Over And Over Again until Trumpt he is stoped coled! and yiu, yiu can Say it tooo and This is waht it is,

“klaatu barada nikto!”

It is a kinda Chant we got To Say like a Hundret times a Day “‘Klaatu barada nikto’ And it wil actavate The Force of The Unaverst and The Planet it wil get mad “at” Trumpt and Not let him De-stroy The humin race and The Planet it wil “take care of” him For good!!! Som stopid conservitive he aksed The Prefesser what “does it” mean klaatu barada nikto so She toled him to Shut Up and stop bein a biggit and makin hat speech and he “got” put in Sensortivaty Traning! that whil fix him!

wel my Antenners thay stil hurtin a lot but thay wil Be “okay” when i Get them stratened out.


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