Violet Crepuscular’s Mail Bag

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

Taking a break from the narrative of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular finds time to read and share this year’s fan letter.

“This is from a Mrs. Citronella Jingles in Brushback, New Jersey. I looked it up, and there really is no such places!” impermeates Ms. Crepuscular. (I am not sure about that word.) “And she writes, ‘Why don’t the men persons in your romance go around with no shirts on like the men persons in all the other romances?’

“Well, Citronella,” Violet replies, “if you ever saw my neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, with no shirt on, it’d put you off the whole business for months. Yew! A horrible sight! Yeah, okay, it’d be nice if the men we see had those completely hairless torsos bulging with muscles–but then no one would bother to read romance novels if real life was like that!”

Privately, I don’t think she knows what to do. Having brought in both a hydra and a jackalope, and handed out injuries and conniptions galore, not to mention property damage–all she needs now is Godzilla.

“All I need now is Godzilla!” she confides in the reader. “The don’t call me the Queen of Suspense for nothing! I defy you to name another romance writer who dares to bring monsters into the plot! Like, who can be bothered with men with no shirts when a jackalope is gobbling up your garden?”

I believe she has escaped having to write Chapter CDLVI.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 4

TV Guide Ad for ABC shows (1974) | From the 1974 TV Guide Fa… | Flickr

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University (the college where there aren’t any courses–really, it’s easier that way). Here’s a little sample to get you revved up for the show!

4:25 P.M.   Ch. 11    MOVIE–Intense, almost unbearable, horror

In Pharaoh, Schmarrow (Greek/Portuguese, 1991), two workmen (Jerome Kern, Izod LaCost) carrying an unopened mummy case up the world’s longest, steepest flight of stairs, find something indescribably horrible waiting for them at the top. But first they have to get past the June Taylor Dancers on the staircase! Song: I’ve Got Chiggers

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 05   SHOTGUN SIKORSKIY–Eastern Western

Wandering the outskirts of Poland’s major cities as if they were America’s Old West, Zgismund Sikorskiy (Tim Moore) continues his hunt for the horse-thief/bank robber who shot his dad in Dog Breath, New Mexico. He has to look for him in Poland because he lost his passport. Mr. Julep: Chiang Kai-shek. Miss LaFong: Dorothy Lamour.

Ch. 18   YOU’RE FAMOUS AND WONDERFUL!–Pure B.S.

“You can be anyone or anything you want to be!” proclaims host Swami Baloni Jidrool. See less-than-ordinary guests morph into the likes of Pablo Picasso, Churchill, Joe DiMaggio, and a poached egg! And anyone who doesn’t Affirm their new identities gets beaten to a pulp. The greatest audience participation show since Queen for a Day. And speaking of Queen for a Day…

Ch. 19  EMPRESS FOR A DAY–Deranged wish fulfillment

What if you had absolute power, the power of life and death, over everyone on your block? From suburban housewife to insane dictator, Empress for a Day will show your neighbors who’s boss! Host: Frank “Dys” Topia. Expert witness: Loretta Young. See Loretta flounce down the marble staircase in a flowing gown just as this week’s Empress cries “Off with their heads!” Recommended by the United Nations Human Rights Commission.

5 P.M.  Ch. 62   MINI-SHAKESPEARE–Classic drama/Puppet show

Something wonderful happens to a Shakespearean tragedy–think Othello–when the actors in the cast are only 12 inches high, with papier-mache heads. Commentary: Soupy Sales. This week: Richard III, boiled down to 25 minutes. With Gabby Hayes and his orchestra.

So who cares about the weather, when there’s stuff like this to watch on TV? I’ll post a few more Christmas carols and then settle down with a handful of nice crisp leaves to watch Shotgun Sikorskiy, my favorite Polish Western.

Fact: We had a Western in Australia once–Whiplash, starring Peter Graves. My Grandpa Fuzzycheeks had a walk-on role that had all the platypuses talking.

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

Mmmm-um!

Haow To Get Reely Inkloosieve!!!!

Crowd Of Faceless People With Different Skin Tones Stock Photo, Picture And  Royalty Free Image. Image 2689167.

Oman, watt a lexture we hadded In Nothing Studies “this” moaning!!!! This tyme we Reely lernt “somb-Thing!”!”

Our prefesser she teeched us That A Mairaca it cant “Be” trooly Inkloosieve unlest “we” stop hasing Naimes!!!!! Becuase Naimes thay “Are” nott Inkloosieve at all in facked thay are Ex-Kloosieve!!!! and the ownlie Thing to doo “abuote” It is foar Evry Boddy to get ridd “of” thare Naimes!!!!!! and fromb naow On No Boddy whill has Naimes it whill awl “be” jist “Hay Yiu” oar somb-Thing lyke “that!!””

This heer it is Somb-thing foar “The” Guvvermin to gett “to whork” On rite aweaigh!!! So we sended a leter To the Pressadint Jobydin!!! Deer Pressadint yore Hynist Jobydin,, “we wood lyke “yiu” to maik A Man Date to get ridd of Evry Boddy’s name (Axcept yores and Hillery’s of coarse!!!!) so that A Mairica it whillbe trooly “Inkloosieve”!”!”! And we awl sined it!!!!

Axcept then we reelized “that” we jist putt awl Our “Naimes” on a patishin to a-bollix awl Naimes!!!! So we hadded “to” cross owt Alll themb Naimes and just put Xes thare insted!!!!!

Now we “are” wating for himb “to doo” a Man Date,, i hoap “He” is nott tooo bizzy!!!!

Comrade Xi’s Most Funny Jokings

Xi-Jinping: Latest News, Videos and Photos of Xi-Jinping | Times of India

We thank Comrade Xi Jinping for letting us use his favorite funny jokings for our new book, The People’s Collective Most Funny Joking Book. Everybody laughs with great uproar at all his jokings! Here is a sample of perplexing funny riddles!

Q: What did the saddle say to the horse?

A: Nothing! (Ha, ha! Very funny, yes!)

Q: Why wasn’t the cowboy hungry?

A: Because he just ate. (Ho, ho!)

Q: What is the difference between a broken leg and a ham sandwich?

A: Shut up, you racist! (Never fails to get oodles of laughings.)

Q: Why did the lawn ornament Garden Gnome go to the doctor?

A: To get his COVID shot, it is Mandate! (Hee-hee-hee!)

See many more funny jokings in our book, The People’s Collective Most Funny Jokings Book! If you would like to give it to your friends as a most amusing present for a holiday, just send $400.95 (plus $75.49 shipping and handling) to President Comrade Jobydin!

The Day of the Jackalope (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

“I was really stuck on this chapter,” Violet Crepuscular confesses to readers of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “Being the Queen of Suspense is hard! Why, just the other day I caught some wacko going fishing in my goldfish pond! I had to have Mr. Pitfall come over and do him an injury.”

In Chapter CDLIV the suspense builds to a crescendo. Lady Margo Cargo’s wig has caught fire. Lord Jeremy Coldsore has a quadruple fracture of the coccyx (“That’s what he gets for trying to turn this drama into a musical!” sniffs Ms. Crepuscular), the wandering cowboy, having swooned to the floor, is doing nothing, Crusty the Butler is trying to find a fire extinguisher (not aware that they haven’t been invented yet), the poor vicar’s conniptions are getting really unseemly, there is a hydra loose in town…

And the jackalope emerges from the vicar’s kitchen garden.

The Jackalope, Everything Science Knows About Them [Satire]

“I have added this TV news photo of a jackalope,” explains Ms. Crepuscular, “because it is suspenseful! I mean, the hydra might devastate the town, but at least no one will go crazy for the rest of his life just because he’s seen it–but you can’t say the same for the jackalope.”

As this fearsome bunny with antlers emerges from the garden with a mouthful of parsley, Lady Margo forgets that her wig’s on fire, although it’s still on her head, Lord Jeremy oscillates, and Crusty begins to act peculiar.

Here the chapter degenerates into a defense of alcoholic toothpaste.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 27

Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day, all! It’s Byron the Multi-Tasking Underpaid Quokka, introducing this weekend’s glorious TV fare, presented by Quokka University, while at the same time trying to manage this blog’s annual Christmas Carol Contest.

Tell you what: while you watch these wonderful shows, think up some Christmas carols you can enter in the contest.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 92   SQUEAKY TOY CHAMPIONSHIPS–Sports

Live from an undisclosed location! Celebrity dogs squeeze the world’s loudest, annoyingest, and most unusual squeaky toys–far into the night. Commentators: Charles, Prince of Wales, and Redd Fox. With Grandpa Fritz’s Oom-pah Band.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 04   ADVENTURES IN DATING with Noah Peel–Romance

Contestants will be matched up by “Mr. Single” Noah Peel and forced to go on at least one date together. Noah picks the time and place–at random, out of The Magic Dating Jar! Watch the hapless couple try to deal with “2 a.m. at the deserted amusement park”! Winners get a weekend with the June Taylor Dancers on Catalina Island.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 12  MY MOTHER THE UNSETTLING ODOR–Sitcom

What if your mother came back to life as a queer odor that makes people really nervous? That’s what’s happened to mealworm expert Dib McCoy (Yuan Shih-kai) and his late mother (the voice of Ann Boleyn). This week: Mom revisits her local bridge club, causing a full-blown panic–and Dib gets the blame! Special guest star: Alan Hale.

Ch. 18   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Detective Series

Inspired by decades of film noir cliches, follow the adventures of Harry Morbid (Jock Mahoney) as he gets slugged by bad guys, bugged by his girlfriend (Heather Locklear), and mugged by the gangs who infest his wretched neighborhood. This week: Harry’s only close friend (Jimmy Walker) runs off with Harry’s cat, Farfel (voice of Rowan Atkinson).

7:17 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Chess

In Pawn to King-Four (1979), Bobby Fischer Wannabe (Johnny Cash) invents a new chess opening that flattens (literally!) all opposition and seems likely to lead to a world championship–if the KGB, the CIA, and the UJA don’t get him first! Song: “I’m Just a Poor Boy En Passant.” Trivia note: this was the last film ever directed by a hamster.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, there you have it–just a sample of this weekend’s entertainment. Make sure you’ve got plenty of crispy leaves handy for snacks!

I love that squeaky toy show!

Baby Quokka Eating Ficus Leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Image of  herbivorous, eyes: 201938562

We Has to Roon Thancks-Giving!!!

How to Avoid a Food Fight This Thanksgiving

Thancks-Giving it shood “Not” be aloud no moar!!!!!

Heer “at” the Stoodint Soviet we has cumpozed a Ee-male and sended It to awl “the” famblies arowned The Collidge to oardur themb “to” Dee-Collinize thare stopid Thancks-Giving dinnor!!! Becose Thancks-Giving it “is” No-Good stinkin holladay that’s awl abuote Shooting Peeple Of Culler!!!!!

Wen the Pillgrimbs thay kame heer fromb Itally or sombplaice thay shooted awl the Indains who come heer Fromb Indier!!!!!! Then thay starrtid Capatolizm!!!! and aslo brung in Religgin!!!! Thay rooned evry-Thing!!!!!!!!!!

So we sayed In our Ee-male “”Haow dair yiu cellarbrate this Badness!?!? Yiu are jist No-Good durty Capatolist Collownolists!!””! We “are” Glaad we done it becose we fouwned Out that awl the skools in Warshingtin DeC thay done “it” too! And thay has got a Equitty Teemb to teech famblies how To Be Mizrable on Thancks-Giving insted “of” hapy!!!!! We shood has “one Of” thoase too!!!

And we thanck Jobydin the Pressadint for maiking this stopid holladay Cost “so” mutch!!! We woont be hapy “un-till” al themb famblies Thay “are” Un-Hapy!!!!!

Becose “thats” Socile Jutstus!!!!!!!!!

My Newswithviews Column, Nov. 25 (‘What We’re Getting for Our Money’)

See the source image

Okay, here it is, the satire that I promised you. Welcome to Commieland!

What We’re Getting for Our Money

See? Right there in the opening sentence, I spilled the beans. But I know that some people are going to believe it anyhow. I did try to make it as ridiculous as I could, while still maintaining a tenuous grasp on reality. But the nooze these days is so spectacularly awful, calling a theme park Commieland seems like something any public school board would be only too happy to do.

Oh–and have the FBI “investigate” us if we complain!

Here Comes a Satire

The Rise and Suspiciously Rapid Fall of Freedomland U.S.A. - Atlas Obscura

I’m going to write a satire for Newswithviews this week, and I want to warn my regular readers that that’s what it is–a satire. I’ve already run it up the flagpole for my wife and my editor, and they both found it appallingly believable. Well, we don’t want to alarm anybody, do we?

So I’m going to say the Democrats’ insane spending bill includes $20 billion to set up half a dozen theme parks throughout America. The parks will be called “Commieland.”

When I was a boy in 1960, a theme park called “Freedomland USA” was constructed in the Bronx, NY. Tons of TV commercials! I wonder if any of you remember it. By 1964 it was bankrupt and had to be closed.

*Sigh* It’s increasingly difficult to do satire, these days. You make up something ridiculous and almost immediately something even more ridiculous crops up in real life. Especially now.

The fact that so many people find really wild satires completely believable is not a good sign.

 

 

Adding Suspense to ‘Oy, Rodney’

Pin by Ross Johnston on totally judging books by their covers | Book parody, Funny romance, Romance novels

Being “The Queen of Suspense” isn’t quite a bed of roses, Violet Crepuscular is finding out.

“Yesterday they picked up stones and stoned me!” she recalls, introducing Chapter CDLIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “They stoned me for subjecting them to too much suspense! I was lucky to get away without an injury. And this morning a couple of ’em came after me with pitchforks–for not being suspenseful enough!”

Well, she would bring hydras and jackalopes into the story… I could’ve told her a lot of readers wouldn’t stand for it. I didn’t get where I am today by bringing hydras and jackalopes into my story.

Now, everybody knows–well, everybody but Lord Jeremy and Lady Margo–that the only way to get rid of a hydra is to cut off each of its heads with a sword and then quickly hold a live torch to the stump, to keep two more heads from growing back. That’s how Hercules did it, and his method has stood the test of time–just ask anyone in Flotsam, Maine.

So there’s the hydra in the vicar’s garden, with the vicar himself rendered horse de combat by his latest conniptions, and the helpful cowboy in a swoon on the floor… and Lady Margo’s crusty old butler, Crusty, comes in with a look on his face that would freeze the blood of a cactus. [Editor’s Note: I just can’t stop her.]

He is positively coruscating. “What’s all this, then?” he thunders.

The hydra, hearing this and thinking it’s Zeus, high-tails it off to the center of town.

And that’s when the jackalope swings into action.

“And that’s where I stop–hah!” writes Ms. Crepuscular. “I stop here in order to build up suspense for the next chapter. Eat your heart out, Barbara Cartland!”