Rhino on the Rampage! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

We left Scurveyshire last week with a rogue Indian rhinoceros digging burrows all over the place, Willis Twombley outfitting a “shikari” because an African-type safari simply won’t do, and Lord Jeremy Coldsore locked up in a tower by Constable Chumley’s mother.

Introducing Chapter DVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “In introducing Chapter DVIII of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, I take the opportunity to introduce both a new character–and a new dimension to the plot!”

This woman has no mercy on her readers.

And so we meet Johnno the Merry Minstrel’s long-lost cousin, Jerrold Coelocanth, best known as “the Man with the Unpronounceable Word.” And if you think that’s bad, you should hear him try to say “hypoteneuse.”

As he enters the great public square of Scurveyshire Village, he exclaims, “Fbthhiw!” A statue of Mr. Spock falls off its pedestal. We are at liberty to wonder what it was doing there in the first place.

Meanwhile, his desperation increasing by the hour, Lord Jeremy continues to write messages on dinner plates and throw them out the dungeon window to various notable European rivers. Today it’s the Danube. “Alas, poor prisoner of love!” he caliphritates. (Take that, Mr. Spell-Check! Thought you knew it all, did you? Got that one past you, though, didn’t I? … Okay, I feel better now.) He has forgotten to include the dungeon’s address in his messages.

Next: The Return of Chief Oxyartes

Beware False ‘False Facts’

Fingers Crossed Kid Images – Browse 3,435 Stock Photos, Vectors, and Video  | Adobe Stock

Acme False Facts Inc. has issued a warning to its customers to steer clear of its competitor, Super False Facts Ltd.

Company president Archimedes K. Pellagra said, “If you try to use any of our competitor’s false facts, you’ll only look like an idiot. Here are a few examples of their inferior product.”

*Sheol is the capital of South Korea.

*Hoop snakes only roll down hill when no one’s looking.

*Bonomo’s Turkish Taffy was never made by Turks.

*Henry Mancini wrote “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

*Eating bacon with every meal will help you grow hair.

“Pathetic, isn’t it?” Mr. Pellagra said. “I mean, what is the point of a false fact that everybody knows is false? Whereas our false facts are Genuine False Facts, and if you recite them with enough conviction, it’s almost impossible to disbelieve them.

“Avoid cheap imitations! Our country already has enough real idiots.”

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 1

Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day, welcome to October! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got TV for you! No kidding–you’ll think you died and went to heaven. (Well, maybe not.) Here’s just a wee sample of this weekend’s offerings.

4 P.M.  Ch. 12  DOC MANOOJI–Western

Returning from a house call to Venus, Doc Manooji (George Windex) finds his home town of Batwurst, Arizona, populated by talking trees instead of people. It wouldn’t matter so much, only they never shut up! Mr. Larch: S. Hurok. Miss Maple: Joan Hickson. Little Elm: Ty Hardin


Contestants try to dilly-dally, dawdle, hem and haw, and fumfer their way to the great prize that hasn’t been delivered yet! Host Ed Mzee will lay out the rules, if he ever shows up. Music by those members of Marve Throneberry’s orchestra who have found their way to the studio.

4:06 P.M.  ANNOYING MOVIE–Psychological warfare

The Bowery Boys meet The Most Boring Man in India (Paul Lynd) in “Avast, Me Hearties” (Serbian, 2004), a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with any nautical subject and was only scheduled for 4:06 to irritate people. The Serbian Army planned to use this film against the Turks. Woody Strode: the Smothers Brothers. Susan Sontag: Heather Locklear.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 03  STREETS OF HIDEOUS DOOM–Horror/mystery

A most cruel serial killer stalks the streets of Poobah, Vermont. Can the June Taylor Dancers stop him before he kills again? With only one episode, this series won the Shortest Series Award at the Project Mohole Film Festival. Mayor Piffle: Tony Blair. Mrs. Yang: Linda Blair (no relation)

5 P.M.  Ch. 31  THE SCHMENDRICKS–Situation comedy

A door-to-door salesman (John Astin) sells Penelope Schmendrick (this girl who was in my 8th grade class and then moved away) a super-pogo stick–and when Yobo Schmendrick (Lionel Barrymore) comes home from his job at the chariot factory, he finds a huge hole in the living room ceiling… with Penny’s head stuck in it! Paper boy: Fang Hsueh-ting. Papier-mache boy: William Shatner.

Well, now, that’s what I call television! In fact, I don’t know what else to call it.

Meet the Quokka

My cousin Flimzy–she’s camera-shy.

Byron the Quokka, signing off!


‘Welcome to Caitlin Middle School’ (2015)

I wrote this as an over-the-top satire seven years ago, and now it’s for all practical purposes literally true. I hate it when that happens.

Welcome to Caitlin Middle School

I didn’t understand this then and I sure as hell don’t understand it now. Why do people whom you’d swear were sane suddenly start babbling about pronouns and insist that boys are girls and girls are boys. I am very sure there’s an evil purpose behind it.

*Sigh* This is not as funny as it used to be.

Get Ridd of *Work* and Aslo No Moar Graids!!!!!

Group of funny college or university students with books on tops of head  thinking hard Stock Photo - Alamy

See?? Thay reely “are” maiking us Crazy by maiking us studdy!

We helded a spacial meting of Our Stoodint Soviet tooday! Finely the Collidge amminderstacion “thay” “are” Lissining “to” us!!

Did yiu Know “that” whorking harrd “And” tryin to get good Graids, “it is” a Thrett to mential Hellth?? its troo!!!!!!~! Thay are Under-Myning our mential Hellth!!! How “the” heck are yiu sposed to Be-Cumb a Interllectural iff yore jist going Crazy al the tyme???

Obfiusly “the” sallution it is to Sweeep away ackidemmick Standerds and–wel i doughnt lyke to Say “this here” wurd becose It Is Racist!!! so i woont!! I meen Com On Man!,!, hooze idear Was “it” that we has got to Lurn stuph and studdy And “get” “good” graids??? Waht kind “of” fooolishniss Is that??? Wye it gose Aginst evvry Thing that Collidge stands four!!!!!!!!! Obfiusly we shood jist “go thare” and Stay foar A wile and then thay Give us a Deegree!!!! Waht cood maik moar cents Than that??

We hoap Thay whil Seee the lite and get ridd Of “all” that stuph!!!!! and The Neckst thing to Go it has got To “be” Tuission!!!! Wye shood we has to Pay “to be” heer?????

‘Some Books for You to Avoid’ (2015)

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Get too deep into these, and no one’ll be able to pull you out.

Just in time for Columbus Day! You just can’t go wrong by not giving any of these books as gifts.

Some Books for You to Avoid

Honest, you can learn a lot by not reading any of these! Imagine the pleasure of being able to look back over the years and say, “Y’know, I never did read Heaven Is All About Y-O-U…

The Democrats’ Path to Overwhelming Victory!

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He’s got a cunning plan!

An ace campaign consultant has drawn up an infallible plan for a “massive” Democrat victory in November’s midterm election. This “road map” has been leaked to us by several cowboys.

“All it’ll take is these six points!” says consultant Hu Phlung Dung. Let us summarize.

*”Elect Democrats and there’ll be no more hurricanes.” (“Got that from Senator Klobuchar,” Hu admits.)

*All male children are now female, and all female children are now male.”

*”Congress, if it has the courage to do so, can spend our way out of debt.” (“President Biden has always thought so!”)

*”The border is now, like, totally secure so you can all forget about it.”

*”Give a vote in our elections to anyone in the world who wants one! We’ll get a lot more really smart people voting, that way.”

*”All personal debt will be paid off by the federal government!” (“Who could possibly be against that?” he wonders.)

Mr. Hu is widely credited with engineering the upset victory of Gumby in Gumball, New York’s 2008 school board election. Gumby was running unopposed.

The Burrowing Rhinoceros (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular introduces Chapter DV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with an extensive list of flaws in her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall’s, character. “He’ll eat your toothpaste sandwich cookies and then just leave you!” she laments. “Or else he’ll just stick around and bug you!”

So much for Chapter DV.

In Chapter DVI, while the American adventurer Willis Twombley is still organizing a safari, the rhinoceros has again crept out from under the vicar’s backyard wading pool and returned to digging burrows all around the property. Twombley would see the brute if he only turned around!

“Someone’s going to fall into one of those burrows and break a leg!” excalibrates Lady Margo Cargo, who already has one wooden leg (upholstered) and would rather not have two. “Quick, darling–there it is!”

Twombley can scarcely conceal his disappointment. “Gol-durnit, honey-child! That ain’t no African rhino!” He wipes the tears from his weather-beaten cheeks. “Hell’s bells, that’s an Indian rhino! Which means I can’t use this here safari: gotta send ’em all home–” some of them have come all the way from Zanzibar, they’re that desperate for work–“and recruit Indian men for a shikari!”

“Couldn’t you just…er… shoot the rhino, now that he’s here? Oooh, he’s digging up my gladiolus! Will you please just shoot the bloomin’ rhino!”

Twombley floxerizes. “No can do, dearie! The rajahs get mad if you shoot their rhinos without their permission. Gotta find the rajah and square it with him. And then go about hiring new bearers and beaters.”

Lady Margo screams (they heard her in Detroit), “There are no flaming rajahs in Scurveyshire!” The chapter ends before she can have full-fledged conniptions.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 24

multiple image galleries

Yo-ho-ho, Byron the Quokka here with a weekend of spectacular TV! Here’s a little sample of what we’ve got lined up for you.

6:15 P.M.  Ch. 55  NIGHTLY GNUS–(Don’t ask)

Everything you want to know about wildebeests! Anchored by Jimmy Fraud–the absolute low point in his career. You don’t know what torment is until you’ve seen a journalist try to interview a gnu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  ALL ALONE AT THE MOVIES–Movie reviews

How about those movies that no one gets to see before they’re pulled out of circulation? Movies like Buccaneers vs. Sea Monkeys. Or The June Taylor Dancers Visit the Tomb of Svashnach the Terrible. Your hosts, Joe Collidge and Greta Thunberg, have seen ’em all!

Ch. 21  THE TWADDLERS–Sitcom with metaphysical overtones

Suddenly the Twaddlers have an extra grandpa (Felipe Alou) hiding in the closet! While Spurius (Gabby Hayes) frantically checks the family tree, Flotsam (Heather Locklear) tries to make borscht for the third grandpa before he carries out his threat to speak The Deplorable Word. King Edward III: Art Carney. The Other King Edward: Warren Oates.

7 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Really stupid ‘Moby Dick’ wannabe

“Gimme That There Harpoon, Matey!” (Greek, 1951) was the movie that made star Otto Fungus’ career… as a bricklayer. Shot his acting career right down at once. Fungus plays Captain Jehoahaz, the fanatic who pursues a small dogfish called Roscoe but can’t catch him because, well, all dogfish tend to look like. A one-armed man (Barry Manilow) obsessively pursues Cap. Jehoahaz. Song: “Don’t Step on My Coccyx.”

Ch. 35  YOU BET YOUR LASSO!–Western drama/Game show

Before there was any technology to support such a venture, Popstone Studios introduced this “interactive Western.” Audience members were challenged to write letters to the producers suggesting where the plot should go next, and any viewer whose suggestion was used got to guest-star in that episode–usually as Marshall Pete Bazooka’s easily dispensable deputy. He also got some luggage, and a special lunch box with a secret compartment.

Well! I’ll be flabbergasted if these shows don’t give you a whole new perspective on something or other. Make sure you have plenty of nice leaves to munch!

Baby Quokka Eating Ficus Leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Image of  herbivorous, eyes: 201938562

(Fig leaves are good for something besides you-know-what!)

Fromb Pass “and’ Fale to Jist Pass!!!

Science with The Amoeba Sisters - Home

It taked somb yeers Butt we “fynoly” done It!!!!!

Frist we hadded Graides! Well evry-boddy thay knows “that” Graides thay “Are” Racist!!!!!! Thenn “it” whent To Pass & Fale! But evry-boddy thay knows that Pass-/Fale it is Abel-ist!!!!!

Now its Jist Pass, evry boddy thay Passes!!!!! No moar hurted Feeelings!!!!!! Butt “thare” is Still One Moar Steppe “togo”!”!”

Afftur foar (4!) yeers “In” Collidge,, Evry-boddy thay gets “the” Onners Deegree “of” Thair Choysse!!!!!!! I amb goingto Get a Deegree “In” Fizzicks,, i lyke fizzy Soder!!!! Thiss heer it is Haow Amairacka it is the Bestist-Eddicaytid Nashin “in” “The” Whirld!!!! This whil keeep Going “un-till” evry-boddy “inthe” U.SA has a addvants’d Deegree!!!!!! No othor Cuountrie cann Mach It!!!!!!!!

Naow yiu Are probbly aksing yore Selph “Haow comb he Putt “up” pixture Of Ameba Sissturs???”? Wal ghess waht!!? Themb too (2!) Ameba Systurs thay Wur “the” frist stodents to Get onners Deegrees “in” Past Lyves Of Souper Heeroes”!~” Awl yiu has to doo Is Show Up!!!!!!!!!!