Category Archives: satire

Solid Objects Are Racist!

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Solid objects are inherently racist, and anyone who handles them, or even looks at them for long enough, will become a racist–according to the Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center.

In a new pamphlet issued by the Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center, People You’re Supposed to Hate Because They’re Not Us (25 pages, $55.99), Grand Pooh-bah Caspar Schmendrick says, “The systemic racism of America has tainted everything from coffee tables to those little metal frogs that click when you squeeze them in your fingers. And just about all the people in this country are tainted, too.”

Even worse, he adds in the last paragraph, “Most solid objects are homophobic, too.”

Since solid objects are so very hard to avoid seeing or touching, is there any way one can not be a racist?

In the section entitled But There’s Hope!, Schmendrick reveals the surprising and uplifting answer to that question.

“To not be a racist anymore,” he writes, “simply send all your money to the Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center, checks made payable to cash. We will deposit your money in our safe and secure Cayman Island bank account and use it to fight for Social Justice by paying the salaries and benefits of our idealistic staff.”

Schmendrick is also the author of Heterosexuality is a No-Good Christian Conspiracy and a frequent guest on the Antifa Goon Squad radio show. The Southern Poverty Pooh-bah Center reportedly has at least $350 million squirreled away on Cayman Island.

I wonder whose poverty they’re talking about.

 

 


Shaksphere he Was A Racist!!

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I has got to luaghh at al them Shaksphere prefessers thay “tern Out” to be Not Interllectural affter al becose Now thay complaning abote Triggre Warnings and aslo thay Dont “evin” know Shaksphere he had was A Racist!!!

Wee lernt al abote “it in” Socile Jutstus 101 how he dint evin rite them Stopid Plays but insted thay was writt By a Muzlim Lesbian LBGTQU wimmin from Affricka he keeped Her “in” his seller as A Slav!!!! She wrote al them playes!! evry last “one of” them!

Socile Jutstus it sayes yiu got to has Triggre Warnings on evrything and That “is” only rihght becose ohtherwyse somboddy thay mihght reed somthing Or here somthing and “it wil” Tramatyze them!! so waht’s The “big deel”??? Yiu jist put on Al “the” Triggre Warnings and then thay Can stil stoddy watever Is Left Over! Like thare Is this one play caled Tight As Ann Dronickus it is abote Cannables thay ete eech Other and aslo some Murders,, wel yiu jist Putt duckt Tape over al them Parts and only stoddy the Rest all thogh whye any boddy thay wuld “want to” stoddy any thing buy a Wite Priblidge Guy Like Shaksphere it must Be Becose thay “are” jist Racists and Knotsys and aslo Biggits.

So us reel Interllecturals we going To get Auntyfa to jist beet Up any boddy whoo dont want no Triggre Warnings and wen Hillery she Is pressadint she wil jist get ridd of Shaksphere all togedder!!!


‘Oy, Rodney,’ Continued

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My heel spur was acting up today, and I turned my ankle yesterday on those confounded walnuts that are all over the yard, and a pipe broke in our basement so we can’t use the washing machine and I had to go to the laundromat instead–so it seemed an apt time to read Chapters XLV and XLVI of Oy, Rodney by Violet Crepuscular.

(I have been asked why I always show the cover of Lord of the Tube Socks instead of the one for Oy, Rodney. It’s really much nicer, that’s all.)

The mysterious stranger who looks like Ed Begley but isn’t, it turns out, has been in the book under false pretenses, having sneaked in from another book entirely. Ms. Crepuscular was rather put out when she discovered that, so that character has since been abruptly written out–leaving the way clear for our hero, young Lord Jeremy Coldsore, to propose marriage to Lady Margo Cargo, the richest widow in Scurveyshire. In a real stroke of luck, Jeremy finds the glass eye that fell out of Lady Margo’s head some months ago and is trying to get up the nerve to return it to her.

Meanwhile, the vicar, recovering from the conniptions he suffered when he peeked under the  backyard wading pool to see what was making that awful noise, has stopped speaking backwards and now speaks sideways, which makes him even more difficult to understand. It has not yet occurred to him that he could write down what he saw and then people would know.

Jeremy’s scheme to introduce wild koalas to Yorkshire has gone belly-up and he’s running out of time to recover his family’s lost fortune and save Coldsore Hall from another mysterious stranger who wants to tear it down and build a MacDonald’s in its place. Under pressure, Jeremy hints, “Maybe it’s time I went to see Rodney.” I still think Rodney will turn out to be a rabbit.

But that’s enough for now.


Thare’s no Sutch Plaice As Frantz!!

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Back in hi skool i useter be reel good “at” joggraffy so yiu Can gess how i feeled “to-day” when A gesst lecksurer she tolled us “evrything” I lernt It Was “all” wrongg!!!

Take frinstants the contry “of” Frantz, the Frentch frys thay come from thare and as yiu “Can” sea form the mapp it is a eyland or somthing and It “is” boarderd by Tonga, Packastan, and Myopia! And than i lernt to-day that thare is No Sutch plaice as Frantz it is alll A big fat hokes!!!! and thare never “Was” no contry caled Frantz neether and it “is” al fake and the Rushins thay done it!!!

Yiu sea It was “a” Conspearassy thay made us beleave In Frantz so thay culd cheet Hillary “Out Of” being pressadint and aslo make al That Incomb Innaqualitty!! and aslo it tterns out Thare Are lotts of othor plaices thay isnt reel neether,, like Spane and Porchagul and Asia and Grease and aslo Izreel thay Are all fake Fake FAKE!!! Jist like that thare Moon landing!! it was Donold Trumpt and the Russhins and “the Bangkers” thay done it!!! So thay culd Cover Up Globble Warming and aslo Trans Phobier!!

Wel thay wil al Be laffing out The other “side of thare mouths wen the Socile Jutstus Wirers and Auntyfa thay come And get themm!! O wil thay “be”” sari then!!


Now thay Making Us tell Time!!

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I amb so mad!!! Just becose some Hater making Fun “of” us Interllecturals and geting the Albumni al riled up now we got to lern How “to” tell time!! Just becose thay heared One of “us” say its a Quater to Novvembre”!

I got so Up-sett i sayed to my Gender Studies Prefesser, what “whe got to” tell Time for, “telling Tim it is compleetly Irrelephant!” We got mutch more impotent Socile Jutstus stufff to do!!! butt he just sayed Shut Up, it is waht the Deen he says we got to do Other wyse thay keep Makin Fun of us!!

So he maid Me loook at a Clocke and tel waht Time “it” was and i sayed its allmost Neckst Weak and he sayed No No “the” Big Hand it tels yiu waht Day it “is” and the Littel Hand it “tels” yiu, wel, i dont remmembre and so waht??? So now We got to jist sitt thare “In” the clasrooom and stair at the Clocke on the Whall and say waht Time “It” is and i was Ne vver so Board “in” al My liife!!!

Yknow thare is somb Tricke to it! Like how comb The “time” it is awlyays chainging??? Thay are jist Makin It Up!! This hear It Is jist a buntch of Racist Biggit Haters thay trying To “make Us” to loook stopid!!

So whe are Planing a reel Big Rallie to Night it is suposed to be At Ten Oclocke PM at Nihght and i wil know Waht Time “it is” wen evry boddy thay Start “the” rallie i dont need to loook At no stopid racist Clocke!!!


Back to ‘Oy, Rodney’

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I have read some more of Oy, Rodney, but I don’t seem to be any farther along in it. I think gremlins come in and add pages to it when no one’s looking.

Young Lord Jeremy Coldsore, in a desperate attempt to recoup his family fortune, has entered into a scheme with a mysterious stranger to introduce wild marsupials to the Scottish highlands. The koalas don’t like it. Jeremy is still trying to marry Lady Margo Cargo, the richest widow in Scurveyshire, but he will have to hurry because bits of her are falling off.

American adventurer Willis Twombley has discovered proof that he really is Sargon of Akkad. They still don’t believe him.

The vicar is recovering from the conniptions he suffered when he sneaked a peek under the backyard wading pool to see what was making the queer noises. The experience has so disturbed his brain that now he can only speak backwards.

So far no character named “Rodney” has  appeared in the story. After some 400 pages, this is annoying. I am beginning to suspect that “Rodney” is either a rabbit or a hamster: author Violet Crepuscular has dropped certain dark hints that it might be so. I’ll be very much put out if he turns out to be nothing at all.

NOTE: I still haven’t found a reproducible picture of the cover art for Oy, Rodney, so for the time being, Lord of the Tube Socks must suffice. We happen to know that Ms. Crepuscular has read this book and approves of it.


The Riddle of Centaur Evolution: Solved!

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In an announcement that has rocked that part of the scientific world that concerns itself with centaurs, Dr. Hobart Dogbed, Professor of Comparative Gender Studies at Jidrool University, has solved the mystery of centaur evolution.

“I laugh when I think of how long it took us to work this out,” he said, “but it’s obvious, isn’t it? Centaurs evolved from special apes!”

The thing that was special about these apes was that they were half ape and half horse. Dr. Dogbed calls them Ape-taurs.

Although no fossil remains of any Ape-taurs have been found, Dr. Dogbed defends his theory as “the only one possible. Only racists and Anti-Science fascist biggits would deny it. Since when do we have to show fossils of any of this stuff?”

The Ape-taurs, he said, lived in what is now the Bellyup Nature Preserve “somewhere in Africa” and lived in perfect harmony with all other species. “It was only when the top half started to evolve into a human that centaurs began to get a reputation as troublemakers,” he said. “But that’s what always happens when apes evolve into humans.”

Dr. Dogbed is also an associate professor of Superhero Studies somewhere in Africa.


Its time Fore The Revilutoin!!

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I telled yiu Hi,llery she Was going “to” be Pressadint!!!

Yess, noaw It is Time for The Revilutoin! and it Is going “to ” Be lead by Auntyfa becose thay knows hoaw “to make” Socile Jutstus!! Thay Are going to “has” The Revilutoin on Novvembre 4oth and that “is” only Next Weak somtime so wee has alll got “to” Get reddy in a big Hury!

This hear Revilutoin it wil Be “evrywear” al at Once and it wil Sweap Donold Trump rihght out “of” ofice and Hillery she wil Be Pressadint for lyffe!!!! Auntyfa thay going “to” Shut Doown evry thing like hiways and citties and brijjis and any Biggit or Hater whoo gets “in the”” wayh thay willl get themselfs stabbbed or beat Up but goood!!And my prefesser he sayes we Wil has a New Consitutition only This “one it’ wil be wrote by Interllecturals and Trans Peple and thare willl be Socile Jutstus al over the Plaice and nobobby wil Be aloud to say nothing and noboddy wil Be aloud “to do” nothing Exep for waht is Jutstus and Fair!!! and We wil setUp campes and Put al them christins and conserfatifes and repulbikins In them Until thare “minds” Are rihght!!!

And my Prefesser he sayes It “wil Be grate” jist like Venerzala and Cuber and North Choria and al Us Interrlecturals hear at Collidge “We”” wil Rule it!!! We wil Confisticate all dirty ritch Peple thare monny and Houses and stuff and Re-disturbit it to The Poor exep for some of it witch We “wil Keepe” our selfs!!! And i runned to the Statchew of Pressadint Obamma and i preyed him to Make It hapen!!!

Wel now i gott To “go gett” reddy we are gunna burn downe Lots of Captillist billdings on Nov. $4 to keeep The “polese” and Fire deportmints busy!


Movies That Never Made It

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Jackie Chan as Edvard Grieg?

Here are a few films which, for one reason or another, never made it to market.

Song of Norway remake starring Jackie Chan. An attempt to tell the life story of Norwegian composer Edvard Grief as a kung-fu movie. It is rumored Mr. Chan refused the gig.

50 Shades of Puce. A movie about seasickness. You can imagine.

Skin Man! A new superhero who, for all practical purposes, is nothing more than an empty human skin–which allows him to travel folded up inside a suitcase. His sidekick, the faithful Fongo, goes up on the rooftops and drops him on top of the bad guys, and Skin Man does the rest. Too gross.

Oppressed Millionaire Athletes Who Deserve More of Your Money. Abandoned in mid-production when market research indicated that absolutely no one would ever want to see this film.

Feel My Feelers. A sensitive college student volunteers to be injected with moth hormones in a fruitless effort to transition himself into a woman. Done interview-style with gender-neutral pronouns and lots of Play-Doh. The only print of this low-budget masterpiece was accidentally thrown out with the trash.

 


Down whith “Mr. Nature’!!

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One of “the” Things i hat abote this hear stopid blog is that Biggit “Mr. Nature” that stopid lee lets “come in” hear and rite abote aminals “and” stuff! Yiu see “whatt” a big dum Idjit thay is, he dont evin know “how” To spel Natchure!!!

Thay shuld ouhght To boath be Put “in” jale for Evilution Denile and al the Time talkin abote God like God he is reel or somthing!! Yiu can eesly see that thay Are boath not Interllecturals lee he sayes he wented to Collidge but i dont beleave him and evin iff he “did” thay shuldnt give No boddy no collidge degreee if thay dont Beleave in Evilution!

and Like iff that is nott Bad enouhgh i bet haff the Animales he rites “abote” thay isnt evin reel! i hate al them stopid Catt vidios tooo!

If yiu can “see That’ pitctre up thare it is a pitcure i seen “this Moarning” it is caled A Cat Sharck and it is reeler than Al them stopid made Up annamals thay put on This dum blogg it livves in the Spacific Ocen arond Newark or somwear and it Evolvved becose of Trans Fobbia! that is waht ical Reel Natchure!!

I amb so sick of tham sayin ‘”Gods Stuf'” al the time and i dont know How “thay” get aweiy whith it! Dont the Consattutin it say yiu cant Never say “god” or other religgin stufff?? Becose if yiu “say” that it menes yiu are Aunti-Sciance!!!

Jist yiu weit till Hillery she is Pressadint!! i seen her book tooo and She is actrually getting Yonger! That is becose she “is” Evolvving tooo! Anyhow she “wil” putt a Stop to al this Aunti-Sciance talk and hat speach!!!

 


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