Category Archives: satire

Our Pubic Beleaf sistum!

Image result for images of mind with padlock

Thare was a artickle on this hear blogg “a feiw” days aggo, it show yiu jist “how” stopid that dum lee is, he didnt larn not “a” Singal Thing wen he “was” In Collidge al them yeers aggo and aslo he has Forgot evrything he lernt!! He comed rihgjht out “and” addmits he dont know “the” diffrints betwine pryvet beleaf sistum and Our officile and Good Pubic Beleaf Sistum!

Some teecher in some Scool somwear she sayed to some Other teecher I “wil prey for yiu!” Can yiu beleave anyboddy she wuld Say somthing So stopid??? So she got In Trubble like she desarved and thay tole her yiu cant do no Intergreating pryvet beleaf sistim With “our” pubic beleaf sistum and That moreon lee he say he dont evven know Waht Our Pubic Beleaf Sistum it Is!!!

Wel yiu dumby let Me inlihgtin yiu! Hear is ore pubic Beleaf Sistum!

Thare istnt No god so yiu cant say Nothing abote no preying! And evrything in yuor stopid Cristinity it is wrong, wrong, Wrong!! And Sceince it is Reel and It “is”awlyays Rihghjt and Soon it wil “be” Aginst The Law if yiu deenye Climbit Change and say yiu Dont beleave in Evilutoin! And aslo Bortion and Gaye Marridge it Is “aslo” rihghjt and yiu Better Cellarbrate it Or Else!!

So that it Is our Pubic Beleaf Sistum and if yiu dont like It “yiu are” jist a idjit and a Hater and a Biggit! He aslo say he dont know Who thinked up Our Pubic Beleaf, well duhhh! It Is us Interllecturals, We thinked It up and we Are smartter than Ordrinary dum peple, thats Whye we al in Collidge!!

And yiu Better “get whith” The Programb boy or wen Hillery she “is” finly Pressadint yiu goin to Get “a” Jale sentints!! Ha Ha Ha!!!

P.S. my prefesser he “jist tole” me i shuld rite Publick and not Pubic but it dont Reely mater becose its jist “as” troe eether whay!


Wow Your Friends with These Astounding Facts!

Image result for images of speedy alka seltzer

“Unknowable” had a cool idea last night: just whip up any old thing that would stretch the credulity of a three-year-old, call it “settled science,” and presto–you’ve got a liberal column.

We can do this because liberal “facts” (e.g., “Socialism really works”) are not facts at all. Denying that there’s any truth, they can’t very well have facts. Instead, there’s only whatever helps them get their way–this they label “truth”–and whatever doesn’t. They will deny that they’re denying anything, if that’s what they think they need to do at the moment.

With this in mind, we present the following eye-popping false facts, which you can trot out for any conversation and impress your hearers with your wealth of esoteric knowledge.

*That little “Speedy Alka-Seltzer” in all those old commercials was played by Katharine Hepburn.

*The Hawaiian language was only invented in 1960, in support of Hawaii’s statehood movement. Prior to that, Hawaiians all spoke Welsh.

*The world’s largest insect is the Laotian Burping Mantis–four to five feet long and weighing, when full-grown, sixty to eighty pounds.

*In the Middle Ages it was very common for men of the nobility to propose marriage while standing on stilts.

*The gall bladder is the only organ in the human body that functions equally well when turned inside-out.

There you go–run a few of these up the flagpole and see who salutes ’em. If your hearers are prepared to accept these assertions as fact, you should be thinking about starting a career in higher education, advertising, or politics.


How us Wimmin can Stop Globbal Wraming!

Image result for images of statue of obama

I gess yiu ordrinary dum peple Who dont “go To” Collidge yiu probbly dont Know abote this grate Speach “from” Glorya Styenum so yiu nead a Interllectural to tell it To yiu.

Wow she hit “the” nale rihgjt on The hade!! Even i dint know this! She sayed wimmin thay Can stopp Globbal Wraming if they has enuhght bortions! Yes evry Time a wimmin have a bortion, she is fiting Climbit Change!! Becose one “of ” them Things that makes Climbit Change is when wimmins is Forsed Child Brith! and evry wimmin she shuld Have as manny bortions “as” she can and That it wil stop Globbal warming jist like that!!

She “is” so Hot and aslo so Cool!! and wen i heared Waht she sayed I runned rihgjht over To Our statchue of Pressadint Obamma and i preyed to him, I sayed Deer Pressadint Obamma now that yiu “are” a god sort of wuld yiu pleeze help me transmision to a Wimmim so i “can be) jist like Glorya Styenum and the frist Thing i wil do then is i wil have a Bortion!!! I wuld like “to” Stand on my haed to prey But my Moth Antenners thay gets in the Way!

Aslo i figgered out a Wimmin she can Have a Bortion any time she whants, yiu dont has to be pregganent to has a Bortion! i bett if a fore or fyve Billion Wimmins thay al had bortions at once thare wuldnt Be no Climbit Change at all!!!

Wel that is “how” wee Can Save The Planet and yiu De-Plorabbles yiu al Can jist Shut Up!!!!


Joe Collidge Hates This Blog

Image result for Komodo Dragon Teeth

Man I hate this blogg!! I hate them religgius “hims” and i hate them prares and i hate “al” the hat speach and Biggitry that stopid guy he “has” in this blogg!

And i hate “al that” stopid aminal stufff too! Like yeasterdday he have this stopid Arcticle “abote” some kind of Kimono Draggin it bited “some” guy’s leg. Waht a lode of Anti-sceince poo-poo!! Bille Niy he is Rihjght, we “must” awlyays lissen To Sceince and do “waht” Sceince says and Sceince it sayes thare isnt “no sutch” thing as no Kimono Draggin!

Yiu know waht he is doin? it is al “parrt of” him Climbit Change Denile! He “is tryin” To Scar ordrinary dum peple into Beleaving “in” draggins so thay wil Becolm christins and be anti-Sceince like him!! This hear is Whatt hapens when yiu Not a Interllutural and yore brane it dosn’t Work rihjght! that is Whye evry boddy whoo dont “go To” collidge thay shuld Go to jale “insted”!”

Im so Up-set, i wil prey to Pressadint Obamma that he Wil Come back “and” shut down This hear stopid blogg “four Good!!””


Sceince Dose it Agan!!

Image result for images of putting things into an open head

I was washin my Prefesser’s Toylet Paper to Save The Planet it is reely hard “to” do becose i alyaws fall apart “befour” i can hang It Up to dreye whenn he Come in he has got Grate News!!

He sayed “soon thay goin” To has Compueters thay can “deleat” yuor thohghts without yiu Even know it hapens and The compueters thay can reed yuor Mind and aslo Put thuhghts In! He sayed boy “That “is” jist” fan tastic! “Thay can” take all The Bad thouhgts out and Put good thoohghts in!

Do yiu seee waht this meens!? Noboddy thay wont has no bad thuhhgts anymore! Us Intellecturals whoo are Smart we wil de-side waht Ordrinary “dum” peple thay wil “Think from” now on!! thay wil ownly Think watever thuohgts we lett Them think!! It wil bee lyke al of them thay are In “sensativvity trainin al” the tyme Evry day!!! So now “thay wil” al beleave in Climbit Change and Gender Fludity and Woorld Govermint! and aslo thare wont Be “no moore” christins and evry boddy wil suport A Wimmin’s Rihght To chose!

So yiu see it “is” jist lyke we alyaws Say, that Sceince it alyays has Got the Antser! and oncet We gets al “them ” Peple plugged In To the compueters thare Wont “be no” moar Questoins neether!!!


Ton ey Curtus’s Hand!!

Image result for images of tony curtis

I seen a moovie “once” it was Al Abote The Vykings befour thay was a fotboll teem “and” thare was This guy Toney Curtus he got his “hand” choped off whith a Sowrd! and the rest “of” the moovie he didnt Have no Hand!

Wel lats nihght i seen another moovie with this guy Toney Curtus “in” it And waht do yiu know… his hand IT GROWED BACK!!! wOW! Yess thare it was, Two hands. One of my Moth Antenners it broke offf once But it growed rihght back Rihght “away” butt i dint know any one his hand “it” grow back!!!

I figgered Out it must of “ben” Sceince that make his “hand grow” back, Sceince reely is The Anwser! Evry Interllectural we knows that, It “is” wyh we al gone to Collidge!


Discrimbination aginst Peple who Arent Reel!

Image result for images of unreal people

Hear at Collidge we Are al hapy “becose” we got a New kind “of” Discrimbination to Protest and we “had” a big Protest jist this mourning!!

Yiu has herd of Racism and Sexism, wel now we has got to protest “aginst” Reel-ism!!! We jist dis-covered It this weak when A Unreel Person she posted this grate post in some Blog In “the” Hufinkton Post and then Thay puled it becose she “is Not” a Reel Person! (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.za/shelley-garland/could-it-be-time-to-deny-white-men-the-franchise_a_22036640/)

This it is Discrimbination puere and Simpul! If i am assined Mail Gender but i Self-Idintify as Femail wel That makes me A wimmin! So waht if i am a Ficktionle Person and i Self-idintify as a Reel Person, dont that Make me Reel???

Boy this has Been goin On “for” hunderds of yeares,al this hear Discrimbination aginst Peple who amn’t Reel!! And it is time Sosity we putt a Stop “to it!!!” Reel-ism it Is a squrge and it “is” aslo A hat crime aginst Socile Jutstace!! and anyyone who dose it thay are a Biggit! And we Are goin to Protest agane as sooon As we gets a New shipmant of Play-Doh!!

Un-Reel Peple “of” the Werld, rise up! Us Interllecturals at Collidge we wil leed Yiu to take yore ritefull Plaice!!!


Solving the Riddles of Ancient History: A Whole New Approach

Image result for images of harappan priest king statue

See this statue? We don’t know who or what he was. We don’t know when he lived. We don’t know a single word of his language. All we know is that this statue comes from the Indus Valley Civilization, where it was found in a city built around 2500 B.C. and abandoned some six or seven hundred years later.

But according to a whole new way of studying ancient history, we can now know all those things and more.

“All I has to do is just look at it, and then I know all about it,” says Dr. I. B. Loony, a professor of Social Gender and Environmental Global Justice at 57 States University. “For instance, that statue, the one that comes from the India Valley. That guy’s name was Harold Patel or something like that, and he was originally assigned the female gender, but like you see by the statue, he self-identified as male and his transition was totally successful! And the reason there is no more India Valley Civilization is because they stopped doing gender fluidity and that caused climate change and that was the end of them. A civilization that doesn’t got no gender fluidity is doomded to climate change!”

Because the language spoken by the Indus Valley people is unknown, and their writing system undeciphered, Professor Loony was asked how he knows these things.

“You are a racist!” he explained. “Biggit, biggit, biggit! Waaaaaah!” He then rolled about on the floor and made peculiar sounds, while pounding with his fists and feet and head.

“No one is allowed to question him,” said one of his students. “He just knows things, that’s all. We take his word for it. I asked him a question once, and I was in Diversity Training for two weeks after that, learning how to think like everybody else. And now you’d better leave before I call the Diversity Response Team and report you for a micro-aggression and violation of our safe space.”

NEXT: Professor Loony reveals the secrets of Egyptian pyramid construction.


Centaur Skeleton Escapes

Image result for Centaur Skeleton

The coverup is over! Centaurs are real, and the government cannot control them.

A centaur skeleton has escaped from a secret facility operated by the U.S. Secret Facilities Agency, according to reports by Clickbait. The skeleton escaped by pretending to be a skeleton. While custodians were counting the flesh-and-blood centaurs, the skeleton slipped out via the fire escape.

There is no cause for alarm, stated William “Boffo” Paczynski, mayor of Pleurisy City, Kentucky. His comment led to speculation that the secret facility is located in or near his town.

Persons catching sight of the fleeing centaur skeleton are advised to shut up about it.


Reeding Grate Litterture!

Image result for images of stupid comic book

Haters thay think jist becose we in Gender Studies “it” meanes we hasnt got no taiste in litterture! Boy is that stopid thing to say! We “are” Interllecturals so of corse we reed grate litterture al the time!!

I has reeded al the grates,, Spiderman and Battman and Trans Formers witch “is my” favrote becose al them chacterers thay “are” Trans Gender! and to-day we “had a” guesst lectrer she teached us al “abuot how” Not to reed Racist litterture wrote by Wite Privledge Hattero-Sexist Mails! Becose it wil Rot yuor Mind and yiu only shuld “reed” litterture by wimmim and gay and peple thay are Not wite!

She sayed the porpose of litterture it “is to” Expant yuor Mind and make you Self more Progrestive! so i buyed me a isstue of “this” Doom Patrol Comick becose it got a pitcure of this hear Wite Mail he turnt into a Monster part Tryanosaurrus and part Octapuss! i think he “looks” like Donold Trumpt! and it taked me a Long Time to reed it and then i Had “to” throw it Out becose it didnt have no Gay Heero in it! and Besides it was “kind of” Racist tooo!

From Now On i wil onely reed litterture that cellerbates Diversity and thare istnt no Bynary Gender peple in it!!! and i wented To our Statchue of Pressadint Obamma and prombised him I wuld nevver reed no more Strait Wite Prifflidge litterture no more! That sure Made me feeel better!

PS, somboddy he jist toled me That thare wasnt no Octapuss in that comick After All it was some “kind of” Tree insted so now i has got to treye to Get my monny back!!!


%d bloggers like this: