Dreadful Gifts

Plastic go-go boots–admit it, you’ve always wanted them. Perfect for trotting off to do your grocery shopping. People will point at you and whisper to each other.

The world is full of dreadful gifts that you can give instead of, say, my books.  If plastic go-go boots don’t float your boat, here are a few more suggestions.

The Collected Speeches of Barack Obama: just when you thought the nightmare was finally over! This DVD, available from Mordor Video, packs 72 hours of The One’s most stultifying speeches, chock full of lies and broken promises, onto a single two-sided disc that may or may not work. $595.69

Fish-flavored Bottled Water, originally designed for cats, is guaranteed to liven up any New Year’s party. Get their DeLuxe Six-Pack featuring carp, surimi, dogfish, mossbunker, squid, and some unidentified assorted whatsits from Chinese government fish-farms. It’s only 68 cents on sale: it turned out the cats didn’t like it much.

Make America Lousy baseball caps, from the Democrat National Committee, available in da-glo pink and soylent green. $88.99 each, with all proceeds going to the Clinton Foundation.

Not-So Invisible Ink, $11.50 per bottle. Cutting-edge chemistry makes this stuff invisible in the bottle, but perfectly clear when it’s applied to paper.

The Secret Agent Jeremy Coldsore Romance Novels, by Henrietta Meshugga, famous for their blend of espionage and indescribably mushy love scenes, from Jackal Retching Press, paperback, $36.49 per book.

These are all suitable Winter Festival gifts, no un-inclusive religious overtones, perfect for the interllectural in your fambly.

One comment on “Dreadful Gifts”

  1. The Collected Speeches of Barack Obama should probably be reserved for advanced interrogation techniques. Hearing “uhhh” repeated thousands of times is enough to make anyone go crazy.

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