The Fat-Head’s Tool Kit: Stupid Stats

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In mustering false facts to wow your audience and make them think you’re smart, don’t neglect statistics. Who isn’t impressed by statistics? It’s best you make them up yourself, because that way people can’t check up on what you say; but you do have to make them sound convincing. Stand tall, look ’em in the eye, and lie like a rug.

Here are some examples to get you started.

*98.3% of persons who practice astral projection believe in Man-Made Climate Change.

*43.4% of American Protestants got rather bad marks in college.

*At least 12.5% of women who have had abortions have gone on to become television news reporters and elected officials.

*Scientists at the Greenland Institute of Higher Education have found a one-to-one correlation between homeschooling and social dysfunction.

*Throughout ancient history, persons living in matriarchal societies enjoyed a Happiness Index 36 points higher than those living in other kinds of societies.

*The average atheist is 2.75 centimeters taller than the average Christian.

Yes, there will be silly people who attempt to argue with you. But all you have to do is smile tolerantly, shrug your shoulders, and say “Figures don’t lie.”

There’s no limit to how far you can go with this. I wish I had a statistic for how many future U.S. senators are reading this.

 

About leeduigon

I have lived in Metuchen, NJ, all my life. I have been married to my wife Patricia since 1977. I am a former newspaper editor and reporter. I was also the owner-operator of my own small business for several years. I wrote various novels and short stories published during 1980s and 1990s. I am a long-time student of judo and Japanese swordsmanship (kenjutsu). I also play chess, basketball, and military and sports simulations. View all posts by leeduigon

7 responses to “The Fat-Head’s Tool Kit: Stupid Stats

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