The Fat-Head’s Tool Kit: Stupid Stats

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In mustering false facts to wow your audience and make them think you’re smart, don’t neglect statistics. Who isn’t impressed by statistics? It’s best you make them up yourself, because that way people can’t check up on what you say; but you do have to make them sound convincing. Stand tall, look ’em in the eye, and lie like a rug.

Here are some examples to get you started.

*98.3% of persons who practice astral projection believe in Man-Made Climate Change.

*43.4% of American Protestants got rather bad marks in college.

*At least 12.5% of women who have had abortions have gone on to become television news reporters and elected officials.

*Scientists at the Greenland Institute of Higher Education have found a one-to-one correlation between homeschooling and social dysfunction.

*Throughout ancient history, persons living in matriarchal societies enjoyed a Happiness Index 36 points higher than those living in other kinds of societies.

*The average atheist is 2.75 centimeters taller than the average Christian.

Yes, there will be silly people who attempt to argue with you. But all you have to do is smile tolerantly, shrug your shoulders, and say “Figures don’t lie.”

There’s no limit to how far you can go with this. I wish I had a statistic for how many future U.S. senators are reading this.


7 comments on “The Fat-Head’s Tool Kit: Stupid Stats

  1. The classic book “How to Lie With Statistics,” first published in 1954, is still available in reprint — and just as pertinent now as it was then. And of course you also have to check the wording. “Teenage pregnancies drop after 20” is one of those “listen carefully or you’re lost” statements, like the question “How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?” It’s surprising how many people will answer “four.”

  2. A good example of a Senator using lying statistics is Chuck Shumer every time he boldly declares 80% of Americans want DACA “Dreamers” to be given amnesty. Maybe 80% of the “Dreamers” want amnesty would probably be more accurate. As Joseph Goebbels said: “If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth”

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